Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Getting Well and TBL

Feeling much better, but still definitely not 100%. The coughing and lack of air to breathe continues, but like I said, I'm getting better. I went back to work today and it was hard. In total I had six days off, what with the Thanksgiving holiday and the weekend and then the staying home sick. I'm run down and tired, and my body just needs love.

So that's what I'm trying to give it. I've been eating well (okay well better than I had been, of course minus my sister's birthday dinner last night, more on that later). I'm going back to the gym tomorrow after work; I'm actually rescheduling the session with the trainer. I'm excited to go back; it's amazing how much I miss working out. Hopefully he'll go easy on me since he knows I've been sick. I'm super excited to see the new moves he's going to show me.

So The Biggest Loser. I had to TiVo it since we went to P.F. Chang's for dinner last night for my little sister's birthday. She's 14. Wow. I got the kung pao chicken with brown rice and only ate about half of it, so I thought I did okay. Obviously I know Chinese food isn't great, but at least it's white meat chicken without too much sauce on it. Then of course I went back to my parents house and had a giant piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Nice work.

Okay, so I'm allowed to indulge once in a while, but the problem is, it hasn't just been once in a while. It's more like all the time. And after watching TBL, I was floored. So happy and excited for those people; yet so sad and ashamed that I can't commit to doing the same thing. I found myself with a perma-grin, just smiling from ear to ear watching Suzy jump up and down. She was so happy and content, and it just showed. She looked amazing. They all did. I was kind of bummed that Matt won because to be honest, I've been slightly annoyed with him throughout the show, but he really did deserve it. To lose 185 pounds is an amazing feat. I just want to lose 50.

One thing that did come out of last night's cake fiasco was the desire and motivation to do more. To eat better and to work out and to just take better care of myself. So tonight I'm making a WW recipe I found for six points, I'm skipping dessert, and I'm going to bed early. Tomorrow I'm eating a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then going to go meet with the trainer. I'm pumped.

Monday, November 28, 2005


Quick update to let you all know that I'm not dead, but practically. I have bronchitis. Needless to say this past Thanksgiving weekend wasn't as much fun as it could have been. I didn't get to go see my trainer, I haven't been working out at all in fact, my diet has been crap, and I feel like complete shit. Can't breathe. But I went to the doctor and I'm confident I'll be getting better soon.

I'm taking another day off of work tomorrow and as soon as I feel better I'm going to get back on the wagon full force.

Monday, November 21, 2005


Went to the gym tonight and did my 5K on the treadmill. Saw the trainer there but I'm not sure if he saw me. I kind of wanted him to see me so he would know that I was committed to working out. Like he cares. My 5K took me about 41 minutes. Not great, especially because I don't think I'm making much progress on my time, but I think I'm afraid to push it much further.

Today was tough because I hadn't been on the treadmill in over a week due to the soreness from the initial encounter with the trainer. It was probably also tough because I've been eating like shit. I've barely even been attempting to eat right. I had some broccoli in my lo mein last night. How's that for veggies? And I know it will probably get worse before it gets better. My head isn't in the game right now.

I am into working out still though. Well at least I think I am. My actions this past week might say otherwise. But again, that was mostly because of the soreness. I have another encounter with the trainer tomorrow. I'm afraid he'll ask me how much I worked out this week, and I'll have to tell him I only did two cardio sessions and I didn't practice any of the moves he taught me because I was too sore to even think about a squat, let alone actually do one. I think he'll understand this time. I hope so.

But part of the reason I'm excited about the trainer is the fact that he WILL ask me about my program and I WILL have to tell him what I have and have not done. And next week, I'm telling you, I will be able to tell him I worked out at least four times. Even with Thanksgiving coming up. Especially with Thanksgiving coming up. Thanksgiving....

Saturday, November 19, 2005


Sore beyond belief. On Thursday I could barely even sit down on the toilet. I had to gingerly place myself there. I know its a good thing to be sore, but the extent to which my soreness has gone on makes me realize that my muscles were and are seriously weak. Over the past couple of months, okay maybe even more like the past 8 months, I haven't been lifting consistently at all. I MIGHT have done a circuit at the gym. Or MAYBE I would do a Firm tape.

And now I'm paying for that. It's Saturday and I'm still sore, but the worst of it has definitely gone away. I just hope I'm ready for my next session with the trainer on Tuesday. I think I will be. I'll be there and I'll be pumped.

So due to soreness I haven't really done much cardio except one 40 minute session on the elliptical, which I thought might help get my blood flowing, etc. It didn't really help that much. I'm going to attempt some sort of other cardio today, maybe swimming or a bike ride. It's freezing cold outside today though so I'll have to venture over to the gym.

So I've been thinking a lot about how it's often said that overweight women, or maybe just women in general, aren't selfish enough and don't take enough time for themselves. We're always so worried about someone or something else that we don't stop to think about the damage we're doing to our bodies. I don't think I ususally have that problem. I'm fairly in tune with my needs (sleeping, working out, eating, etc..) and I usually don't put those needs on the back burner for other people. But I often put those needs on the back burner in favor of the other side of me, the side that wants to pretend she's a skinny party girl that can just eat and drink whatever she wants and stay up late and not have to worry about it or face the consequences of those actions.

I know I'm not that person. But sometimes I just wish so badly that I was. And I make bad decisions based on those stupid thoughts inside of my head. Pretty much every weekend. And I know this will continue into the holidays. I'm nervous about the holidays. For a variety of reasons. Because my family will be crazy. Because I will get stressed about money. Because if history repeats itself, which it may, I will gain weight. More weight. I don't want that to happen. On the surface I don't want that to happen. Underneath though, I'm not sure.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Okay so I met with the trainer today. The little trainer might I add. I mean little bitty. I shall call him little bitty Bill. Okay I won't call him that because I'm sure he could make up some really mean names for me that I would not want to hear and I'm sure he wouldn't really appreciate being called little bitty. Seriously though, his body fat percentage is probably about 4. Or maybe less. And he's 5'3" max. But that's okay because he's awesome!

I had such a good time. It was just so nice to have someone tell me what to do. And boy am I going to be sore. Squats on the Bosu ball. OMG those are seriously hard. I think I'm going to like having a trainer. He said if we do long term he could help me with nutrition too. Yes I'm seriously thinking about paying an assload of money to some random stranger to tell me how to work out. I think it will be good for me.

I'm going to another free session next Tuesday and then I'll make my final decision. But I can tell you right now that I want to do this. I hate lifting weights. Maybe Bill will help change all of that.

P.S. The boy read the entire blog. He noticed that I yo yo. In reality I've only gone up between 4-5 pounds over the last couple of months. But I know my resolve does yo yo. It's something I need to work on.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The Boy Knows About the Blog

And I was going to go through all my posts and change every single time where I had written about how much I weigh. I started to do it. I even changed my stats on the sidebar so now it really just show how much less I have to lose. But you know what?

We live together. He's seen me naked. Many times. I'm pretty sure he has a good idea of how much I weigh. And he still loves me. So if he decides to pop by, which I'm going to tell him he can, he'll know for sure exactly how much I weigh. And he will still love me. So hi baby if you're reading this right now. I hope you aren't mortified that I write about you sometimes. :)

I just dropped my dad and my stepmom off at the airport and I'm home chillin with the dogger (above). I feel kind of icky. I did okay with food this weekend, but nowhere near perfection. I ate soup and salad on Friday night, which was great. Had fries for lunch with a turkey sandwich yesterday, but I made a pretty good choice for dinner. I still overate though (damn you dessert) and felt like crap last night. Lunch today was a veggie burger and fries. I have a serious issue with fries. Maybe I'll ban fries. Not sure if I can do that. It's a thought though. Something to consider.

All in all not great, but not as bad as it could of been, which is key. This new salad place called Mad Greens just opened up down the street from us, so I'm going to pop down there and have a nice fresh salad for dinner after I watch the stupid Broncos waste away their lead like they seem to do every week. Oh nevermind they just scored! Go Broncos! I'm not disloyal I swear! Ooh 2 pointer! We rock! Enough exclamation points!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Friday, November 11, 2005

Feeling Better

Hey everyone. Or at least my one reader. :)

I'm feeling much better today. Tuesday and Wednesday were NOT good days. I subsisted on chicken soup and baked cheetos. I know that probably sounds bad but it was one of the only things I could keep down. Yesterday I was feeling much better but I was absolutely ravenous, and I ate like it. I probably consumed 2500 calories. I guess I just needed that nutrition that I had been missing for the past two days.

So I weighed in this morning at 188 (-3), which I'm fairly happy with given the fact that I was really at 191 last week and didn't report it, and also considerting that I ate a lot of food late at night. I guess I thought I might lose some extra due to the fact that I basically didn't eat for two days, but I made up for it yesterday.

Enough about that I guess. So my dad is coming to town this weekend with my stepmom, which will be nice but almost always turns into a stressful situation and ends with a ton of eating. My dad is a big guy, and mimicking his eating habits is part of the reason why I have such bad habits myself. He's developed Type II diabetes in the past year and even though he's married to a nurse, he barely does anything to control it.

Let me back up a little. My parents were divorced when I was 6, and my mom moved my sister and I to Colorado when I was 9. So I haven't really lived with my dad in a long time. In fact I don't really have any memories of actually living with him. But when he did come to visit, our visits always centered around food. We just didn't really have anything else to do. It's not that I don't love my dad, because I do very much, but his visits have always been a time of stress for my sister and I. Food just mitigated that stress a little.

He was very bitter that my mom got remarried and moved to Colorado. My sister and I both think it was for the best; we get along great with my stepdad and we had an awesome childhood growing up in the Denver suburbs. It was probably very different than what our life would have looked like growing up in a small town in West Texas, where my dad still lives today. I'm a well-adjusted child of divorce and I know in my heart it was what my mom needed to do to be happy. But my dad, he just doesn't see things that way.

Anyway, when he comes to visit its been hard to find activities to do with him. It's better now that he has my stepmom, but he's still very controlling and wants to spend every single moment with us. Now that we are grown women and have lives of our own, that is becoming more difficult. It usually goes something like this: He gets in on Friday night, we go out to dinner and then maybe go for ice cream. Saturday morning he gets up and putters around while we sleep, then we go eat lunch. We may go shopping or see a movie in the afternoon, but we definitely have some sort of snack. Then we go out for a big dinner, with dessert. Sunday same thing. It's all focused around food! It's like that's the only thing there is to do.

When we were still really little, we used to have to go visit him for six weeks every summer. My mom said we'd come back and we'd have each gained like 10 pounds. Our little faces would be all puffy. I guess it's a comfort thing; it's all we know how to do when we're with him.

Honestly I doubt this will ever change. We'll probably do the same thing this weekend. But I'm going to do my best to make good choices and set a good example for my dad. He needs to know that I won't love him any more or any less based on whether or not I get an ice cream cone. I'm not a little girl anymore. I know how to make good choices. Sometimes its just hard not to fall back into old habits.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


Warning: This post most definitely has TMI.

Jeni Sicky. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was all pumped about my yummy strawberry dessert and feeling a little better about my eating. Then today happened.

I woke up feeling okay, not super peppy, but I'm never super peppy at 6:30 in the morning. I noticed a few pains in my stomach, but I thought it was gas or something so I just took some gas pills and went to work. Well the pain only got worse at work, it was coming in waves and was almost crippling me. I didn't have to go to the bathroom, didn't think I needed to throw up, but I could barely sit up straight when I'd get these waves of pain, like something was seriously eating away at my stomach.

I went home around noon and have been laying on the couch, sleeping on and off for the rest of the day. I don't know what's going on; I'm just in serious pain. I tried to eat a banana to see if having something in my stomach would help, but it didn't. I've finally had some "movement" if you know what I mean, but the pain is just not going away. Yick. I just feel tired and achey and crappy and I guess its a bug or something. Help me! I'm a whiney baby I know. But the boy isn't here and I'm all alone and just want it to stop. Blech.

So clearly I'm not working out today. I've barely even had 100 calories. I think I'm going to try to make some chicken soup, but I'm scared of what might happen. Hopefully this is a 24-hour thing and it'll be gone tomorrow.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Better Than Ice Cream

Yumacious. I just had the best dessert for two points. A pudding cup, cool whip, and strawberries. Delicious.

I know I would be doing so much better if I would just plan out my meals and give it a little effort. That's all it takes its a little effort. I mean making that dessert took about two minutes, and it was so much better than eating a big ole Cold Stone. Okay not really better, but at least I feel better about myself eating it.

I still haven't signed up for the personal training session yet. I was planning on doing it tonight at the gym tonight. But then when I was leaving, all hot and sweaty and red-faced, I realized I didn't really want to go up to the cute guy at the counter and tell him I wanted to sign up with the trainer who specializes in weight loss. I was just too self-conscious. So I think I'll call tomorrow and do it over the phone. I'm such a wuss. Oh well.

Sunday, November 06, 2005


Oh. My. Gawd. I have been sitting on the couch all afternoon watching My Fair Brady on VH1. It is a trainwreck. I can't stop watching. I had pizza for dinner. Too much tequila last night. I'm bloated and I probably weight about 2 tons right now. Blech. I know I probably present a really pretty picture in your head.

I have to do some ironing now, which will be the most exercise I've gotten all day. On a better note, I did work out both yesterday and Friday, which is something I don't usually do on the weekends. I just feel so much better about myself when I work out. But clearly its not happening today.

So with my new fancy gym membership I get one free session with a personal trainer. I was thinking I probably want to do this with a woman trainer because for some reason I think about a personal trainer the same way I think about the gynecologist. It's so personal. I just want a woman. But I was looking on the gym's website, and it looks like there's a male trainer who specializes in weight loss. So I'm thinking maybe I should request him. I'm going to see if he's available this week and try out a session. Mostly I just want someone to tell me what to do. Literally. To give me meal plans and to kick my ass if I deviate. I think I might need that in my life right now. Because right now no one knows I'm eating pizza for dinner but myself, and that's not helping anything. And of course you guys...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


So you may or may not have read back in my archives to the post where I declared my intention to do a sprint distance triathlon next summer. I haven't posted about it much since then, but I still have that intention.

I made a ton of progress on the bike this year, but as its gotten colder I've turned my focus more toward running and swimming. I am by no means officially training, just sticking to those three sports as far as my workouts go. Weight lifting is sporadic at best, although I do know I need to be building more muscle if I ever want to reshape my body. I hate weights though. Blech.

Anyway, so for the past two weeks I've been swimming about twice a week. Tonight I swam about 1300 meters, which sounds so measly but at the time seemed incredibly hard. I don't really know what a good swim workout is though, and I'm not sure how long I'll even have to swim if I do go for the sprint distance triathlon. I think it's .75K, so that's a 7500, which is exactly half of what I did today, so it's good to know that I can do that But I'm not sure about that. I guess I have access to the net right now and I should just look it up, but I'm not going to right now. Okay I'm rambling.

My run is what's really going to need work in the upcoming months if I plan on doing this. I'm doing my 5K in about 40 minutes right now, which I know is extremely slow. And I'm sure I'll be much slower after I've been swimming and riding for an hour or more prior to the run. I pretty much still hate running. I get that runner's high thing going on, but I still don't like it. I have to force myself to do it. And that's just on the treadmill. Forget actually going outside. I'm not too that point yet. Plus, the weather. And the darkness. And I can't even think about getting up before work. It's just not happening. Jeni needs sleepy time.

Eventually I'll start a training plan, probably in January, but for right now I'm thinking maybe I should concentrate on shedding some of this excess weight so I can improve my speed in all three sports. Of course, I'm having a hard time focusing on the whole eating right/weight loss thing right now so that might not actually happen. I think I need to go read some triathlete blogs to see what people do in the off season. Mostly I'm just pondering different courses of action right now and I'm not really sure what to do. I know I want to lose some weight. I know I know how to lose weight. For some reason I'm just not putting those things in motion right now. Maybe it's the fun size box of Milk Duds sitting next to me right now? Gah.

So it goes on. But if the candy is making into my routine, then so are the workouts. At least I've got that.