Future Me

Swimming

2009-11-12T12:39:00.001-07:00

Okay I know I said I wasn't going to try to rock a bikini for my 30th birthday Mexico trip in December, but man I really wish I could. I don't know what possessed me, but for some reason I started looking at swimsuits online this morning and I just couldn't stop.

Let me back up. The last swimsuit I purchased was at the illustrious Target, and while it has done quite well for me over the past two years, it was officially retirement time when the summer ended. I spent a lot of time at the pool when we were living in Singapore, and between that and occasional use this summer, it is just shot. It's a classic tankini and I really liked it, cute black and white flower pattern on top and solid black bottoms, and I guess I felt as good in that suit as I could possibly feel in a suit. Which probably isn't saying a whole lot, but still. But now the elastic is gone, it's all stretched out, and you know, nobody's girls look good in a stretched out top.

I probably should have looked for a new suit at the end of the summer, but I guess I sort of had it in the back of my mind that I was going to lose! all! this! weight! so I should wait until I really needed one to do it. Man it kills me that I still do that all the time, put off buying things or doing things until I lose weight, because honestly, that is such a stupid thing to do. I am not putting anything on hold until I lose weigh anymore!

Sorry, tangent. Anyway, now I'm going to Mexico and while I don't leave until December 17, I want to find something that I feel really happy and comfortable in. I probably won't make a purchase until early December, but I want to have a plan of action so I don't start freaking out about it and then just end up going with my old stretched out suit. Typically I prefer a tankini because it's just easier to go to the bathroom, etc. but I've been looking and some of the one-pieces out there now are pretty cute.

What do you guys think? Have any good brands you recommend? Pissed off that I'm even mentioning swimsuits in November?

ETA: I had some pics of swimsuits up here but they disappeared! ARgh! Sorry about that.

Check In

2009-11-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Oh man. Well I guess I am on my second day of "getting my shit together, take 1,347,984." It is going well so far, as it usually does during the week. I am feeling good about the fact that I was invited to go out for lunch by a friend and I asked if we could do coffee instead. For me, eating out, even though I usually sometimes make good choices, just typically means more calories in my bod. Not to mention the amount of money it costs!

Anyway, I guess I'm here to check in for myself more than anything else. It is my weigh-in day, and I was at 172 even, so there's that. Not really good or bad yet, just is what it is. Last night I had your classic healthy dinner of salmon and broccoli, with a little risotto thrown in for good measure. Today's meals consist of Ezekial toast w/ almond butter and honey for breakfast and scrambled eggs with spinach and laughing cow cheese for lunch. Not sure what's on tap for dinner yet, although I suspect we'll have turkey burgers or whole wheat pasta. Or maybe black bean soup. That sounds pretty delicious. And Bob challenged me (okay fine everyone who follows him on Twitter) to eat 40 grams of fiber today, so I am definitely going to need some beans to hit that goal.

This morning I went to kickboxing and it was brutal, as usual. I swear I am on the road to death every Wednesday morning. You'd think it would be routine by now but it's not. I guess that's why I love it so much. I ran on the treadmill yesterday and realize running just doesn't make me as happy as kickboxing does. I just find it so monotonous, even when I have good music. I do like listening to my podcasts while I'm incline walking, but I need some beatz when I'm running, ya know?

Hope everyone had a good hump day. I'll holla at ya later.

2009-11-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

Okay it is time to admit it, I am struggling. I do not want to come back here in two months, after the holidays are over, and have gained weight. Back on August 25th I "re-dedicated" myself to losing weight, specifically 17 lbs in the 17 weeks before my trip to Mexico, and it's time to take a hard look at what I've been doing since then. That day I weighed in at 176.6. Today I weighed 172.1. That means I've lost 4.5 lbs since I wrote that post 11 weeks ago. And I don't really even know how realistic that loss is because I tend to fluctuate so much based on how much salt/booze I eat and how big my meals are. So realistically, most of that weight is just water weight anyway.

I guess I'm just frustrated with myself because I was feeling great, on track and kicking ass, and over the past couple of weeks I have really let that slide and have not been focusing on my goals. And then last night, I came across Lucas' post about how difficult it can be to push through when you feel and look great (and by the way you look great if you're reading this lady!). Reading that post was sort of like a catalyst for me. As I read through the comments, I thought, this is me! This is the issue I am constantly struggling with.

I am a healthy, fit girl. I work out 4-5 times a week. I eat healthy foods. I feel good. BUT, on the other hand, I'm still overweight. I definitely have extra fat on my body, and it needs to go. And yes I'm fit, but I am by no means where I want to be. I can't run as fast or jump as high as I want to. And I'm pretty sure if Jillian saw me waffling like this, she'd tell me to get over myself and tackle the issue at hand.

I guess what I'm saying is that although I want to be comfortable in my own skin, I don't want to get TOO comfortable. Because too comfortable leads to lax behavior, like pizza every Sunday night and beers during the Bronco game and then suddenly it will be Thanksgiving and Christmas and I'll have eaten everything in site and gained 15 lbs. I know my body and I know that is a very real possibility, and I will not let that happen this year.

Instead I, once again, am setting out my intentions here. I'm going to do the very best I can not to let the holidays overwhelm me. I'm going to limit my vino consumption, because that is constantly getting me in trouble. I'm going to get in those workouts 5 times a week and I am going to focus on training to get better for snowboarding season, which is rapidly approaching. I'm going to remove the excess sugar I've been consuming. I'm going to count my calories, and I'm going to stick to my limits. I'm not going to ruin five days of healthy behavior with two days of excess. NOT GONNA DO IT.

On that note, I am heading to the gym. Time to stop talking about it and actually do it. :)

I Love My Body

2009-10-21T12:03:00.000-06:00

So I've heard (or read) through the grapevine that today is Love Your Body Day. And I just wanted to come here and say that I LOVE MY BODY.

I love how even though sometimes I worry that my lips are too small, I can break them into a big wide bright smile.

I love how my eyes are sometimes green and sometimes blue and sometimes hazel, depending on what I'm wearing.

I love looking in the mirror when I'm working out in the gym and seeing my strong muscles flex as I lift something heavy.

I love my hourglass figure and the curve of my waist.

I love my perfectly straight hair.

I love that my fingers are double jointed.

I love that I can kick the crap out of my husband playing Wii Boxing because of all that my body has learned going to kickboxing.

I love that I can run and jump and sweat and breathe. Sometimes all it takes is to just breathe.

Even though I'm constantly striving to improve, I can honestly say that I LOVE MY BODY. And I hope you love yours too.

Butternut Squash Salad

2009-10-20T20:59:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to show you my delish dinner tonight. It consisted of:

Tons of spinach
Roasted butternut squash
apple slices
candied walnuts
Rotisserie chicken breast.

So good. And I candied the walnuts myself! Probably not the best, but a little sugar isn't going to kill me when I have a nutritious dinner like this. Weigh in tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

Failure Happens

2009-10-19T15:35:00.000-06:00

Oh hi. I haven't been around here in a couple of weeks, and for that I'm sorry. A few rough things happened, including a major bout of insomnia (more on this later), getting sick and the death of my hard drive, and I've been trying to put things back together again. My weight is the same, no real gains, no real losses. I'm sick of maintaining. But you've heard that sad song before. So I'm not going to sing it.

I'm here to say I don't know if I'm going to make my 160 by December goal. I'm still trying, but I'm cutting myself some slack with the realization that I want to enjoy fall, enjoy Halloween and the onslaught of food that comes with all of the holidays, and I don't want to feel guilty about it. No I'm not throwing the baby out with the bathwater and I am still actively trying to lose weight. In fact I am still going to try to make that goal of 160. I'm just giving myself permission to fail I guess.

Is that the right way to go about it? Some will say no. Some think you can't cut yourself any slack, and if you do you are just setting yourself up to fail. I was probably one of those people way back when. But I'm not like that anymore, I CAN'T be like that anymore. I don't want to be miserable because I'm forcing myself to follow some arbitrary rules that I put in place. I won't. So yes, I hope to make my 160 goal by December 17. That is still 8 weeks away and stranger things have been done. But if I don't, well, that's just going to have to be ok.

Anyway, tonight is Monday Night Football and the Broncos are playing, so my sister and brother-in-law are coming over for tacos. I bought the Garden of Eatin Blue Corn Taco Dinner Kit because it was the only taco seasoning packet I could find without MSG and only taco shells I could find without hydrogenated oils, so I'll be using that and some ground organic turkey to whip up a healthy, fun taco night. Reading ingredients is something I will never stop doing now that I've started, but honestly it is so depressing. I feel like everything I look at has SOMETHING wrong with it. MSG, trans-fat, GMOs, high-fructose corn syrup, the list is endless.

All I know is I feel good about the choices I make when it comes to being conscious about my purchasing decisions. I really do feel like I'm voting with my wallet when it comes to grocery shopping. So yeah, I may not be perfect when it comes to weight loss, but for the most part I am a healthy, conscious consumer and I'm putting good things into my body. Even if it is full-fat cheese.

DC Bound

2009-09-29T15:17:00.000-06:00

Hi hi hi! I'm going to make this quick because I'm leaving for the airport in a few minutes, but I wanted to check in before I go. This week - think I should see a loss but I won't be able to weigh in officially on my scale tomorrow because I'll be in D.C. I did weigh in this morning and was down .4, which I know is not very much and still in line with my SLOW losses, but I think by tomorrow maybe it'll be more? Who knows?

Anyway, I'm not worrying too much about what the scale says because I know I have been on track and doing things right and I feel good. This weekend was a little higher calorie, but I've come to accept that is always going to happen because I just eat out more on the weekends and even when you make good choices, there is just always MORE and you can't control things the way you can when you're at home. So yes, even though I chose the grilled fish tacos at the Mexican restaurant, I still had some tortilla chips and a Corona Light. But that is what makes life enjoyable and I am not changing that!

So my trip: I leave for DC tonight! Hooray! I'm so excited to go see some of my old friends from grad school and see my husband, who I haven't seen in what feels like FOREVER. It's only been ten days but man, I miss that boy. My flight leaves at 5:53 so I have packed some homemade trail mix, a kashi pumpkin spice flax bar, and a single serving bag of Oogies popcorn. That will have to be my dinner. I know there are no vegetables anywhere to be found in that mix, but that's just too bad. I'll have to eat my veggies tomorrow.

I feel good about this trip even though traveling is usually a death knell in my weight loss efforts. I know I will have to eat out every meal and I know that will be difficult, but I'm confident that I'm going to make good decisions. Yes there will probably be drinks with friends multiple nights in a row, but I plan to run around the mall and monuments and hit the hotel gym while the boy is working so I think I will be fine. I've been really interested to see how food bloggers like Kath and Jenna do when they're traveling. They make it seem so easy to make good choices, so I'm going to do my best to follow in their footsteps.

I'll probably be tweeting a little about my trip, but if I don't holla at ya while I'm gone I'll see you next week. Have a good one!

More Weights, Less Cardio

2009-09-24T17:48:00.000-06:00

I'm here and I'm listening to happy songs today! No really, I am. I am in a good mood. I swear. This melancholy had to end at some point right?

Things are good. I took the day off from working out because rest is important. Rest! This goes back to my all or nothing mentality, but I have a hard time with rest days. I'm always afraid one will turn into two and on and on until one day, suddenly, it's been three years since I've been to the gym and I have gained 200 pounds. Yes realistically I know that's not going to happen, but still.

The one thing I've been hitting really hard this week is weights, actually Body Pump classes to be specific. I normally focus a bit more on cardio, but from everything I've been reading lately, it appears I need to chill on the cardio bunny side of myself and try to hit weights 2-3 times a week hard, and do shorter, harder cardio intervals. If I go to Body Pump tomorrow morning, I will have done weights three times this week, and I can't remember the last time I did that. I work out consistently, but I just dread weights so I do them once, maybe MAYBE twice a week. I think the main problem is I don't feel like I burn a ton of calories when I lift weights, so somehow I think that kind of workout isn't "good enough."

I know now that is old-fashioned mentality and chronic cardio can lead to inflammation (something this arthritis-suffering girl doesn't need any more of) and over-use injuries (also do not need). So I'm chilling on the running (will still go to kickboxing because I LOVE it and why should I stop doing something I love?) and am doing more weights. It should be interesting to see my progress because I know I'll be burning less calories a week than I typically do and that sort of freaks the number-crunching, calorie-counting side of me out, but I think it's worth a shot to see what happens.

Aside from that, all is well in my little world. I'm looking forward to the season premiere of Grey's tonight. My sister is coming over and we are ordering in Thai food and watching it together, so that should be some nice bonding time. I plan to get tofu in peanut sauce with broccoli and of course will only eat a proper portion size thank you very much. Oh and no wine because tomorrow is a friend's birthday and we are going to Octoberfest. Yikes. I will be successful though. You can count on that!

TTFN!

Only Happy Songs

2009-09-23T09:44:00.000-06:00

Okay miraculously, I lost .4 lbs this week. I am not happy with that because I am not going to work my butt off 75% of the time just to let it all go to hell 25% of the time and end up with what amounts to maintaining. It is just a waste of freaking time.

Clearly I have some issues to deal with. I am happy, you know? I'm happy, I have a good life. I love my husband, I love my dog. I love my house and my family and my neighborhood. I know that I'm lacking a sense of purpose in my life right now and that is causing me some stress, especially because I'm not sure how or where to find that purpose. I keep thinking I want a job, but the idea of going back to work full time in my field stresses me out. Not that there is anything available at the moment anyway. Then I think I'll go back to school. I'm taking a class right now that I'm really enjoying. But looking at the requirements for admittance and the idea of spending all that money on a phd stresses me out too. Because what if I still can't find my purpose, even after all of that. Part of me just thinks I need to hold out a little longer because something will eventually just HAPPEN, but part of me thinks I need to make things happen. I don't know. On that part I am just confused.

I just tend to get really introspective, and I think that just increases when the boy is out of town because I spend a lot of time by myself. I think about who I am and what I want and what I would have thought of who I am today when I was 15. But you know, I was kind of an idiot when I was 15 in a lot of ways, so maybe it's okay if I'm not exactly the person I thought I was going to be.

It's just that I have the same struggles, the same struggles about myself, my weight, my purpose in life, what I want to do, who I want to be. It's as if I've gotten nowhere and here it is, I've doubled my life span, yet inside I'm still this angry teenager kicking and screaming and wondering why I am who I am. Why wasn't I born a skinny supermodel? Why don't I have a genius grant? I'm just an ordinary American girl struggling with the same shit as a ton of other people, putting myself in boxes and giving myself labels that I don't really want, and I definitely don't need.

I know my self-worth does not exist entirely in how much I weigh. Nor does it lie in my job description. It's who I am and the choices I make each day, and I am a good person. I care about other people, and I want the world to be a better place. I am sick of putting this crap on myself every day and I'm done listening to sad songs on my iPod. Only happy songs today. Only happy songs.

Dinner for One

2009-09-22T20:26:00.000-06:00

Grilled swiss, pear and spinach on Ezekial bread with a spinach, pear and walnut salad on the side.

Dreary

2009-09-21T12:03:00.000-06:00

Monday monday. It is dreary and COLD here. Summer is officially over. Or that's what everyone keeps saying. I just got home from taking the dog on a walk and my fingers are so cold I can hardly type. This weekend was not a success at all. I am not going to lie. As I wrote on Friday, I had a shitty night on Thursday. I was determined to get back on the wagon after that, but it just did not happen.

On Friday I guess food wasn't so bad - I had a relatively healthy sushi dinner. But oh the booze. There were three girls at dinner. We split a bottle of wine between the three of us. Fine. Then we went back to E.'s house and proceeded to drink two more bottles of wine. That's one bottle per person. Oops. I'm not sure I did indeed drink an entire bottle, but still. It was enough where I certainly couldn't drive my car. Which means I missed kickboxing on Saturday morning because we had to go get it. And it was pretty much downhill from there.

We went to brunch. We had pizza for dinner. I'm not even going to go into the details. Last night I may have had ice cream for dinner. Wow. It was ugly.

The boy left to go out of town yesterday and I am bummed that he is gone. It just feels lonely around here. Not to mention the cold dreary weather makes me want to eat mac and cheese or some other equally bad for you comfort food. I guess I'm still in my cranky pants mood. I blame it on my period. I'm also having another "I hate the world" joblessness cycle. I haven't even had an interview in weeks. I know it's to the point where I know I should just go get a job in retail or something but I just don't want to. Sometimes it feels like the walls are just closing in on me.

I'm trying to do things to combat these feelings. I've got my other new blog. I'm taking a class. I'm reading. I'm venting here, even though I'm sure this is not the kind of thing you're looking for if you came here for a weight loss blog. It's all whine whine whine.

It's just an ongoing process. Today I am picking myself up off of the floor and I'm dealing. I'm going to make turkey chili for dinner because it's a nice comfort food but it's healthy, and I can eat the leftovers all week. I'm going to give myself permission to watch a movie this afternoon, and watch lots of new TV tonight. I will get to the gym this afternoon. I may not see a loss this week, but that will be okay. There is always next week.

Little Miss Cranky Pants

2009-09-18T12:10:00.000-06:00

Should be happier that it's Friday but I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Or rather "got up" because I barely slept at all last night. I've been having trouble sleeping for quite some time, and I KNOW the things that cause it and yet I continue to do them anyway. When I don't sleep I miss my workout (this morning) and I just want to eat all day and I'm cranky. I'm also pissed at myself because if we're using the wagon metaphor, I got ran over last night.

I should have known this was going to happen. I was having major PMS issues yesterday, just feeling emotional and tired and pissed off about my job situation and life in general. So of course when my sister wanted to go to happy hour, I said yes. Where I promptly drank three margaritas and ate my body weight in tortilla chips. Have some salt much? And sugar? No wonder I couldn't sleep last night. Ugh. At the end of the day, the happy hour did not make me happier. Must remember that in the future.

I did end up going to the gym this morning, but I did sort of a half-assed weight workout instead of the Body Pump class I had planned. I have a massage scheduled for this afternoon which I'm really looking forward to, so hopefully that will get me out of my funk and help relax me a little. I'm also trying to drink a ton of water to flush that salt out of my body.

Tonight - sushi with the girls, and then tomorrow I'm going to kickboxing in the morning and hanging with the boy all day before he leaves for Denmark for 10 days. I still plan on showing a loss this week - I just know I am going to have to work really hard this weekend to make that happen.

Weigh In, Body Pump, BL

2009-09-16T11:42:00.000-06:00

Okay let's get this over with. Weighed today and I'm down .8, sitting at 173 even. Down 3.6 lbs total over the past three weeks. SO SLOW. I was thinking about it this morning because I was a little annoyed with the scale after such a small loss and I realize that I'm pretty much never happy with my loss. If it's .8, I always want it to be 1. Last week it was 1.6, and I wanted it to be 2. Would I be happy if I was losing 3 pounds every week? I don't know. Maybe I would wish it was 4.

The bottom line is, I need to stop beating myself up over it and be happy with the results I am getting. Yes it's only 3.6 lbs, but I am being consistent, and I need to be proud of that. I have losses three weeks in a row, and that is awesome! I think I am getting anxious over this looming 170 mark because I'm afraid that I'll get there and then I'll just gain again like I have in the past, so I want to bust through it as quickly as possible. I have to accept that it might take another three weeks, or even more, for me to get into the 160's. And that's okay, because in the long run, three weeks is not a big deal. Zen thoughts and deep breaths because I am not going to let myself get worked up over this. Ommmmmmmmmm.

Moving on, I went to my first Body Pump class at the gym this morning and holy lord, I think I am going to be massively sore tomorrow. It's sort of weird because I know I didn't burn a ton of calories and that makes me nervous, but it's a strength class and I definitely burned out my muscles. As I mentioned on twitter this morning, I won't be surprised if I can't lift my arms over my head to blow dry my hair tomorrow morning. (Aside, my updates are protected, but only because I'm paranoid, so please feel free to send me a follow request).

So I know everyone is talking about this already, but I wanted to give my thoughts on the Biggest Loser premiere last night. I have been looking forward to the show for quite some time and for me, it did not disappoint. As you probably know, I love Jillian and think she's great. The screaming was a little intense at times, but I accept that we see about 30 seconds of footage and she's spending hours upon hours with these contestants. She has her methods and I think she's been pretty damn successful, so I like it. I also really liked seeing the workouts - that Jacob's Ladder thing she had Shay on looks a little like a medieval torture machine. I think I'd like to try it.

I'm really glad we don't have family members on together this season, I think it's good to allow people to focus on themselves and not have to worry about their mom/dad/brother/wife/husband etc. I am also really thrilled that Daniel came back and am rooting for him to do well. Of course Abby's story made me cry like a baby and I can already tell I like Rebecca, I think because I can really relate to her "pretty face" comment that she says she gets all the time, although who knows if that will change as the season goes on. I just hope we don't have a lot of backstabbing, game play and crappy people like we have had on season's past. I know I will definitely be looking forward to Tuesday nights. I just think the show is so motivational and it makes me want to improve my life.

That's it for now I think. I hope everyone is having a great Wednesday. Hugs and tears.

Hunger Strikes

2009-09-13T17:14:00.000-06:00

Today is a really hard day and I just need to vent. I want to eat everything in site and I am having trouble handling it. This weekend has been okay, both Friday and Saturday were high(er) calorie days, but I worked out and it was nothing out of control. Today though, I just woke up and WANT TO EAT.

We went to breakfast at a local joint the boy loves, and I got my usual veggie benedict. I was hungry but since that is a really high calorie dish I tried to exercise portion control so I only ate a little more than half and a few of the potatoes, so that was a success. Aside from a few errands, we've been home pretty much all afternoon watching football (HOLY COW BRONCOS, that was close) and it has been a constant battle to stop myself from going into the kitchen. I had some olives. Then I had some strawberries. Then I had some crackers and hummus. And a pice of cheese. Aaahh!

Maybe it's my period coming, or maybe my body is just fighting this weight loss thing but I am hungry! It's only 5, but I think I just need to make a big, healthy meal for dinner and be done with it. Nom nom nom.

Books, Brownies and Bells

2009-09-10T13:34:00.002-06:00

I reserved The End of Overeating at the library and guess what number I am on the waiting list? 141! Holy crap I guess a lot of people had the same idea I did. I could technically go purchase it but I am trying to cut down on my spending and the library has really been helping with that, so I guess I'll just wait. In the meantime I decided to reserve Naturally Thin, which I've heard pretty good things about. That should be ready for pick up at my local branch in a few days so I'll let you know what I think. I follow Bethenny on twitter and really love her SkinnyGirl margarita (let's face it it's mostly just tequila) so I think it should be an interesting read, if anything.

Yesterday I was having a bit of a craving for chocolate and I got an email from Wh0le Foods about these black bean brownies, so I decided what the heck and decided to give them a shot. Brownies with beans in them? Weird. But OMG they were (are) so good. I cut them into teeny tiny pieces and did the math on Spark People and they came out to about 100 calories each. Perfect little dessert, if you can stop at one. I will be giving most of them away I'm sure.

Man I really need to work on the food photography. So speaking of the brownies, I guess it's about time I spilled the beans here. I started a new blog, it's called (non)Working Girl. It's mostly about my life as an unemployed, 20-something (okay almost 30) woman and it gives me a chance to write, which is what i really love to do. I've still got a lot of work to do in terms of design, etc. but I've been posting so I figured I may as well mention it here. I would love it if you would visit, but I understand if you don't because it's not really weight loss-related. I will be sharing this blog with my friends and family in real life, so if you do come by, please don't mention this blog. Thanks for understanding. :)

In other news, the boy recently purchased a kettlebell and will be attending a class on what to do with said kettlebell tonight, so I'm really interested to see how that goes. I would like to use them as well but I'm kind of waiting to see what he learns before I check it out. Unfortunately we don't have any at my gym and I don't want to pay to go to another class, so I'll probably have to rely on what he learns and videos we find on the Internet if I do want to give them a shot. Also, I think the weight he purchased is going to be quite a bit too heavy for me, so if I do want to try it out, I'm going to have to buy another one that is just my size. ;)

That's it for now. Hope you all have a great day!

Weigh In

2009-09-09T13:44:00.000-06:00

Wow I was on such a posting roll and then one silly Labor Day weekend ruined it all. I won't lie, it was a hardcore weekend, and there were some not-so-great moments, but that is life, and for the most part, I did well. You know how I know? Because I weighed in today and was down 1.6! Yay! Oh I would love to see another loss next week because I never get losses three weeks in a row, so I am going to work it as hard as I can. And I want to get the hell out of the 170's. They are my nemesis.

I have to say it feels really good to be on track and doing well. I'm trying not to be too OCD about it all, but it's kind of hard. I get a little reclusive when I'm really focusing on weight loss because I know social events can really throw me off track, so I'm trying not to do that this time around. Why do so many social events revolve around food? And why do I suddenly lose sight of my goals when confronted with chips, salsa and margaritas? I do not know. It's like some kind of wire trips in my brain and I just lose my mind. Maybe I'll read that book The End of Overeating and it will give me some insight. I've heard it's pretty mind-blowing.

Until I figure it out for good, I guess I'll just stick to being mindful of every bite. One day at a time and all. Just keep swimming. Etc. Etc. Etc. :)

Numbers

2009-09-04T12:23:00.000-06:00

Hi. I think this might be a random post because I have a lot of random things on my mind.

1. Sorry if yesterday's post was too snarky. I think I was in a bad mood. I'm better now.

2. Even though I just said I was sorry about complaining about things, I'm going to complain about one more thing: guy at the gym, if you have to GRUNT that loud, your weights are too heavy. Also, don't ever use the phrase "sling some iron" again. Seriously.

3. I got my lip waxed today. Never done that before. I've been doing my eyebrows for some time, but I have really light hair and have never had a problem with the lip before. Lately though, even those light fuzzies have been bothering me. So off it went. It hurt like a mother, but I think I like it. When it comes to my lady parts, I stick to shaving. I've done the waxing thing down there and I guess I'm just too sensitive (aka I'm a wuss).

4. Foodwise, I have been AMAZING this week. I am so proud. The weekend will be the test as per usual, but I am feeling great. The food landmines start at lunch out with my sister, then happy hour with friends tonight, then the boy and I are going to this new fancy "local food" restaurant tomorrow, so we shall see. Oh and it's labor day so I know there will be a BBQ and beer involved somewhere. I will persevere though. I am kind of a badass like that, don't know if you knew it or not.

5. Workouts: eh, not sure if I'll make the 350 minutes this week. I ended up taking a rest day yesterday and did ten minutes on the stepmill and about 40 minutes of weight training today, but that leaves me with 100 minutes to do tomorrow. Don't think that's gonna happen. Oh well, still had lots of great workouts and I'll get close enough. Maybe I'll ride my bike to happy hour. That counts right?

6. So we have a hot tub right? We've had it for the entire time we've owned our house (3 years) and it has never worked. For some reason the boy has taken it upon himself to get it up and running, and the word on the street is he is close to fixing it. So I might have a hot tub soon! Yippeeee! I can't wait to sit in it after snowboarding this year.

7. I love my dog so much.

8. That is all for now. Have a great weekend.

Take Your Advice and Shove It

2009-09-03T12:16:00.000-06:00

There was an interesting article in the New York Times yesterday about trainers and other health club employees giving unsolicited advice to people working out at they gym. The article doesn't really come to any conclusions, it mostly just interviews a few people, some who would bristle at unsolicited advice, and some who would welcome it.

It got me thinking though, and honestly I think even if a trainer was just trying to be helpful, if someone came over and told me that I should really let go of the stair climber to burn more calories or I should tuck my hips under when I'm doing lunges, I don't think I'd like it. In fact I think I'd hate it. I do welcome it when I'm taking a class, but I think then I've chosen to do a workout where there is an instructor and I'm sort of obligated to listen to their direction. But if I haven't asked you for it, please don't give it to me.

Even though I go to a crazy crowded gym, I think of my workouts as "me" time. I am very private, I don't really like to chat or make small talk, even when others try. I think it's just the way I maintain my focus. And I also think I have a hard time with criticism, even if it is constructive. Couple that with a situation in which I'm already VERY sensitive (my body, my weight, etc.) and you might just have a recipe for disaster. Or else a very stabby Jeni.

On the surface you might say, well if you really want to improve your fitness level, you should welcome this kind of advice shouldn't you? Maybe so, but you have to look at the reality of the situation. I work out at a big (cheap) chain gym where at least half of the trainers probably got their certification online, have about six months of experience and can't remember what they had for breakfast, let alone how best to work out the quadricep muscle. I know there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, I think I probably know just as much, if not more, about fitness than quite a few of them. Or maybe that's just my superiority complex talking. Who knows?

The point is, I am hostile to unsolicited advice. If I ask you for it, by all means bring it on. But if I'm running my ass off on the treadmill, jamming to some punk rock music, and you make me stop to tell me I should turn my feet inward a little more, I might have to cut you. Just sayin.'

The same goes for dieting really. I mean how many times have you had someone say, "oh, you're trying to lose weight? You should join weight watchers, go low carb, get lap band, go vegetarian, count calories, go low fat" and on and on and on. ORLY? Ya think? Thanks for the advice. I'll get right on that.

Weigh In

2009-09-02T10:38:00.004-06:00

Weighed today - down 1.2 lbs since I "re-dedicated myself" last Tuesday, putting me at 175.4 this week.

I dunno, I kind of have mixed feelings about it. Part of me feels like oh, it's my first week back on track, I should be down 3 or 4 lbs, some kind of huge loss, etc. But I guess mostly I'm really happy to see the scale moving down, and know that I'm not having to totally restrict entire food groups or anything like that. I didn't do Phase 1 of South Beach or any other "program." I just counted my calories and upped my exercise and watched the crap intake. Geez, for all the reading and research I do, you'd think this was rocket science.

It's so easy on the surface isn't it? Just eat less and move more. That's what "they" say. Well yes. It's the mental part that makes it so difficult. And when you are so on top of it, doing all the right things and using every ounce of strength you have to not order the fries at the baseball game, then it's just sort of hard not to be disappointed with 1.2 lbs. I need instant gratification! I am American after all. ;)

The 350 min. at the gym thing is still happening. So far this week I've done the following:

Mon: 60 min. kickboxing class

Tuesday: 60 min. boot camp class

Wed: 60 min. kickboxing class + 20 min. incline treadmill walk

That's 200 minutes so far, meaning I have the rest of the week to get in another 150. I'll probably do this athletic training/weights class the gym tomorrow and kickboxing on Saturday, and then add 15 minutes or so to each of those workouts to get to my goal. It is still a LOT of exercise but I like having a goal like that to work toward each week instead of sort of haphazardly going here and there. And I'm probably overdoing the kickboxing, but for right now I really like it and it's a hell of a workout, so I don't really see it being a problem. If it gets old or not hard or boring, then I'll change it up.

I bought stuff to make homemade pizza (whole wheat crust, lots of veggies on top) so we'll have that for dinner tonight. I'm a regular Suzy homemaker right now, (still no job on the horizon) but it is what it is and I'm learning to embrace it. I'll be writing more about that soon. Now I'm off to get my hair did, which will hopefully be a nice self-esteem boost. I love that fresh salon feeling. ;)

Monday Musings

2009-08-31T10:22:00.003-06:00

Oh Monday. It feels kind of gloomy today but I am determined to just get my butt moving and work on some projects and break out of any funky feelings I might be feeling. This weekend was good, hard but good. I stayed within my calorie limits on Friday after my minor freak out about Thursday, but then Saturday ended up with a little emotional eating (read: grilled cheese at dinner) and went high again. Yesterday was great though, and I'm taking some time to plan some menus for the week today so I am hopeful that when I weigh on Wednesday I'll at least be down a little.

You know what sucks though? How one day can screw up an entire week of careful planning, measuring, counting, working? One freaking day. That's all it takes to ruin a lot of really hard work. I don't think that's going to happen to me this week, but honestly it is no wonder that people have a hard time losing weight. Changing habits is HARD and all takes is a little slip up to kill what might have been a two pound weight loss for the week. Or three or four. I guess that's why it's an ongoing process and so many people (myself included of course) struggle for years and years with their weight.

One thing I did do this weekend was declare my intentions to two people in my life that have never had weight problems and often contribute to my losing focus. These are two of my really good girlfriends, both around size 2-4. These women are great, they would never purposefully try to sabotage me or anything like that, but they've also never had to think about their weight. They both work out and eat consciously, it's just not really an issue for them the way it is for me. The main issue is our tendency to get together and make one glass of wine turn into three or four, which then totally throws me off course. It's not a problem for them, they can totally handle it. But it is for me.

So yesterday at the mall, all crammed in to one dressing room together, I acknowledged that issue by telling them I am trying to lose 15 lbs by my Mexico trip in December. I was a little nervous about it because I've made tons of declarations like this in the past that haven't really panned out, but they were both really supportive and nice about it, which was great. After we finished shopping, we went to grab lunch, where they both had a glass of wine. One got a grilled cheese and ham with a side of fries, and one got a chicken sandwich with a side of fries. I got a salad and stuck to water. At first I was really worried about it, but I think I was just wrapped up in my own shit because neither one of them mentioned my lack of wine or how their food was "worse" than mine or any of that crap. We still sat and chatted and had a great time, and the food just wasn't an issue.

I was thinking about it, and I really want to try to make every meal like that. I'm sick of worrying about what I'm going to order and what other people will think and whether or not they'll secretly be mocking me inside of their heads. These people are my friends, so why would they do it? They wouldn't, and if they did, that means they're assholes anyway. If I'm being honest, nobody really cares what I choose to eat, and if they do take issue with it, they're probably just projecting they're own issues on to me.

I know I'll still encounter food and alcohol pushers, that is just a part of life. But I really need to learn to be confident with my choices and no that in the end, they are going to take me the direction I want to go.

All or Nothing

2009-08-28T13:44:00.003-06:00

Okay. I am having a REALLY hard time with my all or nothing personality today and it is making me very nervous going into this weekend, which I want to go very well as my first weekend really back on a weight loss program. It should be fine, the thing is, yesterday wasn't perfect. And up until yesterday, this entire week (okay it was three days, but still) was perfect.

Or I had what I considered to be perfect weight loss days. Kick ass workouts. Lots of sleep. Healthy, nutritious food. Low calories. It's just that when I get on a roll like that, I don't want anything to screw it up. But yesterday I ended up going to the baseball game with my mom and having some sugared nuts for a snack. Probably not the best choice, but still no big deal right? It kind of went downhill from there though.

I cooked a healthy dinner, but I did end up having some of the wine that our dinner guests brought, and I ended up drinking more than I should have. Which led to me saying yes to the ice cream they brought for dessert. I only had a little bit, but still, I consumed more sugar and alcohol calories than I should have, and those are the two things that I have been trying to avoid because they are my downfall. Argh!

I know it's no emergency, and I still only consumed about 1800 calories yesterday, so I don't really think it's going to interfere with my weight loss this week, but I'm just nervous that I'm going to let that little voice, the one in my head telling me I screwed up, so I might as well just screw the whole weekend, win. And I DO NOT want that to happen. So I'm here writing, hoping that getting this all out on "paper" will help.

It's funny, I've been doing this so long, in one way or another, that it's just so easy for me to fall back into my bad habits. This time I'm trying to approach it a little differently and know that even if things aren't perfect and don't go EXACTLY as planned, it's going to be okay. My entire program doesn't have to go in the shitter because I had one off night. And the entire weekend, which could stretch into four days if I let it, doesn't have to be ruined.

I just have to keep telling myself to look at the big picture. Big picture big picture big picture. I can do this.

Motivation

2009-08-27T09:00:00.004-06:00

Okay this whole 350 minutes of exercise thing is a LOT! I mean I have been working out consistently for years now, but I guess over the past couple of months I have let things slide to 3-4 times a week. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at, but after four days in a row I am definitely sore and tired! I think I've hit about 270 minutes so far this week, which means I've got 80 to go. I'll definitely go to kickboxing for an hour on Saturday, so I can either do a little mini workout tomorrow or take the day off and add 20 minutes of strength after kickboxing on Sat. Guess I'll just see how I feel in the morning and go from there, but I'm thinking a rest day might be in order.

This morning I went to a class at the gym called Athletic Training - it's really just one of the trainers kind of training a big group of people all at once, but I really like it. And the instructor comes around and really helps everyone, which is nice. For instance, my pathetic mountain climbers needed a little help, but he was so good about being nice and correcting my hand placement, etc. It makes me want to go back to a personal trainer once or twice a week, but unfortunately that is just not in the financial cards for us right now. Oh well, maybe one of these days.

I'm actually feeling really great about things right now though - motivated and happy, which I think is a feeling I've been missing for the last couple of months. I am just going to do everything in my power to make sure it stays that way! Tonight I am entertaining - well we are just having an ex-colleague of mine and his fiancee over for dinner, so I am planning on making a classic summer meal of turkey burgers, grilled zukes from the garden, and a watermelon feta salad. I'll try to take pics and post the recipe tomorrow or later tonight!

I am off to shower and try to stretch out my sore calves a little more. Hasta!

P.S. Is it annoying to write "zukes?" It's just that I always spell zucchini wrong and zukes just seems more convenient. But I can see how someone might think that was annoying. ;)

Seventeen Weeks

2009-08-25T16:35:00.005-06:00

Okay I'm not going to give up here. I just can't. But I AM starting a new project - details will follow soon, but I'm keeping it under wraps while I get it up and running. While I've been working on that though, it's made me realize that I do like writing here about my weight and about my fitness. It's GOOD, really good, for me to have this outlet. Because I want to talk about things!

For instance, I know this is way old news, but I really, really miss Jillian's radio show.

And, I'm really excited for the Biggest Loser to come back.

And, this is not really weight loss/fitness related, but what the hell was Heidi thinking with that performance during Miss Universe. Child please.

So let's see, what else? I weighed 176.6 this morning. Shocker. I have pretty much weighed between 175-180 for the entirety of 2009. Looking back at my records, I was at 171 for a week in January, probably when I was hitting South Beach Phase 1 pretty hard, but that obviously didn't last. Clearly my body is happy at this weight. I believe it's called a set point, right? It's a place where I'm just happy to settle.

Well I think I don't want to settle here any more. I'd really like to just push through and lose this last 15 lbs. You know it's funny, for so long, I think forever really, I've had this goal weight of 140. I think I got it from WW weight range charts or something way back when. But honestly, I don't think that's realistic for me right now. But 160 definitely is. It's so close. I mean it is so close. But so far away.

I've mentioned before that I have this weird barrier with getting below 170. Every time I'm successful losing weight, that is the point at which something clicks, and I just kind of quit trying. I get comfortable. And I bump up a couple five pounds, and then suddenly I'm back at this set point.

I think it's really time for me to get past that though. I'm going to Mexico in 17 weeks, on Dec. 17, and I really want to be at 160 for that trip. That works out to roughly 1 lb a week if I start today. That should be so do-able right? I'm not trying to rock a bikini. I'm not trying to be a supermodel. I'm just trying to set a goal and stick to it the best way I know how.

So right now, as of today, I am seriously off to the races. I'm going to be cutting way back on my wine and sugar intake. These "discretionary" calories are killing me, especially on weekends! And I think they are contributing to my continual psoriasis/arthritis flare-ups. I'm also going to take Self's advice and shoot for 350 min. of exercise a week. That is a LOT of exercise but I think I can handle it. 60 minutes x 5 days a week is 300. So I just need to up it to six days or try to do an extra ten minutes of cardio each day and I'll be there.

So here I go, I am back, and back with a vengeance! 160's here I come!

Change

2009-08-10T09:59:00.001-06:00

Okay. I think it's time I face it. I am not into this blog right now. I want to be, I think about it all the time, but I'm just not. I don't know what the problem is. I want to write, I want to have something to write, but I don't. Weight loss is hard. I'm basically maintaining, which is not what I want to be doing, but apparently something in me just isn't clicking to make this work right now.

I can't even write this post because I feel like I need to write a goodbye post or something. And I'm not ready to stop blogging, but I dunno, I guess my heart hasn't been in it for a while. I've been toying around with the idea of starting another blog, or just writing personally, or even just making this one private, but I'm just not sure what I want to do right now.

Anyway, I'm not shutting down right this minute, but I think maybe it's time for a change. I just don't know what that change should be right now.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2009-07-10T09:31:00.004-06:00

Oh man. Again with the lack of posting. Sorry. I guess it just is what it is right now. Things are okay - kind of crazy because we are leaving for our trip to Ireland bright and early tomorrow morning and for some reason I just can't shake this feeling of exhaustion that is settling over me. It's been here for a week. I keep trying to chalk it up to PMS, but it just won't go away. And the thought of waking up at 4 in the morning tomorrow sort of makes me want to cry, but I know it's for a good cause. Because we are going on vacation!

I think I really need this trip. I just need to get out of my house, away from my routine and my computer and my lack of a job. I have another prospect that looks interesting and of course they want me to come in next week and I can't because I'll be out of town, and we haven't been able to schedule anything yet and I've been worrying about getting it taken care of before we leave. I swear I will find anything to worry about. It is ridiculous. All of this anxiety and for what? A job I MIGHT get an interview for? I need to chill.

Food/working out is okay. I gained again this week, just .4, and I'm PMSing as I mentioned before, so basically I'm just maintaining right now. Which is what I've been doing for the past six months. I'm planning on letting a loose a little during our trip, although I must say I'm a little worried that I'm going to have to mainline fish and chips and I don't know what else, because from what I can tell Ireland is not exactly veggie-friendly. We'll see though. Maybe that's just a misconception.

That's about it for now, I'm hoping to recommit to this and hopefully be in a better mood when we're back from our trip. Take care and have a great week everyone.

Update

2009-06-23T20:07:00.003-06:00

First off - let me say sorry I haven't been around since my downer post from last week. I was feeling pretty crappy about it, but you guys are right, I am not a failure. So thank you for all of your sweet comments. I needed them.

Things are better this week, although I did spend pretty much the entire day yesterday answering questions for a potential job opp and if I don't hear from them either I'm sure I will probably be sad. But, I guess if it's meant to be it will be. Maybe I'll just be a lady of leisure for the rest of my life. That's actually not sounding too bad now that the sun has finally come out in Denver and the weather is nice.

I went to yoga tonight and that felt great. Yoga is so weird, I never want to go and even when I get there I'm kind of dreading it the whole time, but when I'm done I'm so happy I went. If only I could force myself to go more often. I think I'm just kind of in my happy place when it comes to working out and I don't like changing up my schedule, even though I know I should because the body gets used to the same moves all the time. I'm just loving kickboxing and the classes change fairly often so I think I'm going to stick to that for a while.

Food has been okay, mostly good, although this weekend was tough as you know weekends can be. Tonight I was going to make a chicken orzo salad but when I took the chicken out of the frig it just smelled a little funny, so I decided to chuck it. Better safe than sorry and I do not want salmonella. Instead I did a quick little search for a zucchini recipe and ended up finding this, which was actually pretty good. We accidentally put a little too much garlic in the dressing, so now the boy and I are doing some Internet searches on how to get rid of garlic breath. I gotta say the mint tea just isn't working.

Alright I am boring even myself so I will end this post and go cringe at America's Got Talent. Wow.

Rejection Sucks

2009-06-17T08:26:00.002-06:00

I didn't get the job. Second place, again. I guess it came down to me and one other person. Ugh. I know there are a million reasons why it probably wouldn't have been that great of a job anyway, (or as my husband says, it probably would have been "soul crushing") but it still hurts.

And I still feel like a failure. Again.

I found out Monday night, when I got a call from the recruiter. He of course was not helpful at all and had virtually no information about why they chose the other candidate. So I need to call the actual hiring manager and find out if I did something wrong or if it was just my skill set, etc. But I just haven't been able to face it yet. I guess I'll call him this morning.

To top it all off, I weighed in today and I maintained. I'm just kind of feeling crappy all around right now I guess. I'm going to lunch with my mom at the brand new Wh0le F00ds down by her house though, so I guess that will be a treat. And my friend had a healthy baby boy yesterday, so I might get to go visit them in the hospital later this afternoon. That should definitely cheer me up. In the meantime, I'll just pet the dog, go to the gym and try to ward off this funk.

Cruisin'

2009-06-13T10:00:00.004-06:00

Oh Saturday. I love you. And I LOVE that my husband is home, all snuggled up with the dog in our bed upstairs. Man I missed that boy. His flight got in around 7 last night, so I picked him up from the airport and we went straight to Chipotle. It was even my choice - I thought for sure he'd be craving it after being in China for so long, but he was kind of blah. I think he was just so tired. I ended up with my usual, a veggie bowl, no rice. Yum. After that, we came home and caught up, looked at his pictures, and went to bed early. And now, almost 12 hours later, he's still sleeping. That's what a 24-hour flight and 14-hour time change will do to you.

I'm up enjoying a coffee/green smoothie/water breakfast and catching up on blogs. I'm thinking about heading to an 11 a.m. kickboxing class too, but I think it kind of depends on whether or not the boy decides to get out of bed because he needs new running shoes and I told him I'd go with him. One thing I know is that if the weather holds and doesn't rain like it has been doing EVERY.SINGLE.DAY we are going on a bike ride. Why? Because I got a new bike this week!

Yay! We've been waiting and waiting for it to come in and it finally did. It's just a cruiser, not for hardcore riding, but mostly for me to be able to ride to the grocery store, the gym, those kinds of places. Oh yeah and to get fro yo. I love me some fro yo.

Truth be told, we are thinking about selling the boy's car and becoming a one-car family while I am out of work. I think I can handle it, especially for the summer, and I know it would be really good for our finances. So, without further ado, here's a new pic! I really want to do the disclaimer thing about how I had already gone for a ride and I wasn't prepared blah blah blah so I don't look my best, but eh, oh well. Actually I guess I just did it.

ANYWAY, I don't know if you can tell, but it has teh awesome colorful seat and fun black and white floral patterns on the rest of it. Oh and the green wheels! I heart it so much.

Time to go crusin'!!!!

Weigh In

2009-06-10T09:53:00.003-06:00

Weigh in today = down .6. What?!? I am P.O.'d! I have had a fabulous week. I have been working out like a mother. I have been downing green smoothies, haven't touched a french fry or a scoop of ice cream or even a beer! What is going on? I should have lost at least 7 or 8 lbs this week!

Right?

Isn't that the part about losing weight that just sucks? You can work so hard for a full week and only see teeney tiny amounts of progress. But I know, I know, there are a million reasons for it. I'm about to get my period. I'm bloated from soy sauce and miso soup. I'm sore from my workout yesterday so my muscles might be holding water. But still. Still! When you work hard it's nice to see results in terms of the scale going down. And believe me, I could scoot my butt over to the Mexican place down the street for lunch and gain that .6 lbs back in about ten minutes flat.

Stupid body evolved to hold on to fat in case of a famine.

Boxing and Babies

2009-06-08T21:13:00.004-06:00

I am becoming sort of a kickboxing snob. I'm certainly not the best in the class and I'm still sucking wind most of the time, but I guess I'm sort of a regular now, so it annoys me when shit goes wrong. Or what I perceive to be wrong. Like when the instructor decides to go off on a tangent instead of sticking to the basic routine. A crappy tangent. A tangent that sucks. Stick to the choreography woman! I mean, they've designed it that way for a reason.

I guess I should try to be flexible and just enjoy my workout, but today I burned almost 100 less calories than I do in a normal class and that just bugs. Anyway, sorry I just had to vent about that. I am really trying not to get annoyed by stupid things like this, but if I say it "out loud" here, then at least it's out there and I can set it free instead of sitting here on my couch fuming about it.

In other news I had my yearly gyno appointment today, well that was fun. Ugh. I actually appreciate the fact that my doc tries to distract me by just chatting the whole time she is performing the exam, but it just seems weird to be talking about vacations and stuff while her hands are all up in my lady business. I like her a lot though, and it makes me feel good to know I have someone I can trust to go to when I do decide to start trying for a baby. We talked about it some, and just feel like I have so much to think about. I know that it is definitely going to have to be a planned endeavor because I have to be off of the medicine I'm on for my arthritis for at least 3 months before I start trying, and then of course I have to get my IUD removed as well. So even if I wanted to start today, it'd be September before we could actually do anything about it. And I'm definitely not ready to start today. But I have to say, I can feel my clock tickin' a bit.

It's just so scary to think about getting pregnant. And having a baby. I want it, but it terrifies me. Will I ever not be terrified? I don't know. There's still plenty of time, so I'm not going to worry about it right now if I can help it, but it is definitely crossing my mind more and more often.

Alright I am going to get in bed. Tomorrow morning I'm definitely having a green smoothie - I swapped it for oatmeal this morning and couldn't believe how much I missed it. Nighty night everyone.

You Won't Believe Your Eyes!

2009-06-03T17:26:00.003-06:00

OMG. Has anyone seen the cartoon commercial for SlimSh0ts, those little things you drink that look like creamer that supposedly make you lose weight? Well in the commercial, the cartoon lady goes from looking all bloated and round to looking all hourglassy and slim, just by drinking SlimSh0ts! Of course! Why didn't I think of this?!?

I love how at the bottom of the screen it says:

Cartoon dramatization. Results not typical. REAL PEOPLE need diet and exercise to lose fat.

Hahahahahahaha! So you mean, if we aren't a cartoon, we're actually going to have to eat right and exercise to lose weight? Wow. What a concept.

I lost 2.4 lbs this week. Just by using SlimSh0ts. No, actually because I'm eating really well I think. Sadly, I attribute a lot of that to the boy being out of town. He's always totally supportive, but I use him as an excuse to eat out, eat crap, etc. So when he's gone it's just all about me - my decisions, my choices.

I have to say I'm a bit lonely right now, so tonight I'm going to have a few glasses of wine with the girls and catch up on some trashy TV. 3 nights down, 10 to go. Ugh.

Drinking Vegetables and Blood

2009-06-01T09:56:00.006-06:00

Wow I am moving REALLY slowly this morning. Husband left town yesterday early early in the A.M. and of course when he is gone I sleep like absolute crap. I don't know what it is. I just lay in bed, thinking about how I should be sleeping, but scanning my eyes around the room like a crazy person at every little noise, every little creak. And my house was built in 1890, so trust me there are a lot of creaks. The dogger is also super vigilant - his ears are constantly perked up listening for something or someone. He's just trying to be the man of the house I guess.

This weekend ended up being really nice except for Friday night. Friday night sucked, mostly because we ended up staying in to watch the game, which meant ordering a pizza, and I totally went overboard. To the point where I was so full I couldn't sleep, woke up feeling like a shit sandwich, with massive guilt to boot. And the Nuggets lost. Overall it just sucked.

I was determined to have a better day on Saturday, so I woke up, made myself a nice big green smoothie and then we set out toward the garden center to purchase vegetables for the garden! We spent the better part of Saturday weeding, tilling and planting, and it was hard work, but I am thrilled because the garden is planted.

Aren't they the cutest?

I know it doesn't look like much, but this is our first year so we decided we would start small, see how it goes and then go from there. In the back we have one tomato plant and one raspberry bush. After that it's rows of cucumbers, zucchini, butternut squash, jalapeno and cabbage. On the bottom level, which you can't really see, are the herbs: lavender, sage, rosemary, basil and chives. Yum! I only bought things I thought we would really eat, so we'll see what comes of it. We spent $88 on all the veggies, soil amendment and a few tools that we didn't have, so we'll see if we're able to make that back. Of course it's going to take 2-3 months for any of this stuff to be ready for harvest, except some of the herbs I guess, but I think it's going to be great. In the meantime, we're still getting our CSA delivery, which I am just loving. I am a vegetable whore right now.

Saturday night we had a low key dinner w/ my sis and his bro, then I did laundry watched the boy pack. He is going to be in China for two weeks, and it took him two hours to pack, but he fit it all in his little carry-on suitcase. There is no way in hell I would be able to do that. Sunday we were up super early getting him off to the airport, but I went back to bed at about 6:30 and slept until 10, which was awesome. I love sleep.

Yesterday I pretty much spent the entire day home alone save one trip to the gym and grocery. I am a slug, but I don't care. I spent an obscene amount of time in front of the TV watching True Blood on demand. OMG have you guys seen that show? Why did I not know about it? I guess Season 2 starts in a couple of weeks, so I'll be trying to get totally caught up on Season 1 before that. I love it! I love the vampires and the Southern accents (which are really terrible for the most part) and I love the S.E.X. It is out of control dirty and I swear I spend half of each episode totally mortified, but it is awesome. So yeah, there's that.

I'm really only four episodes in, so I've got a long way to go, but they are an hour long each and I've got to watch The Bachelorette tonight too so I'm really going to have to monitor my TV watching while the boy is out of town. My brain is going to rot! Like it isn't rotting anyway.I just want to know what will happen! Who is killing these women? Will Sookie do it with Bill? Will that evil chick vampire bite her first? Is it my imagination or can Sookie's boss whose name I forgot turn into a dog? So many questions.

Okay I am off to lunch with Jess! Have a good Monday!

All over the place

2009-05-29T15:44:00.003-06:00

I was doing so good with the blogging and now? Crickets. Well I guess it's time for an update. Let's see - I decided not to take the class. Part of me is bummed about it and part of me is relieved. I just don't think I was ready for it and the idea of a career change was sort of freaking me out. I am still accepted and can register for the class in the fall if I want, but now at least I have the summer to weigh my options a bit.

As far as the job goes, I had my second interview yesterday and I think it went okay, but it is just so hard to know. I was there for about an hour and a half talking with them, and then they gave me this little test to do which took about an hour. By the end of it I was exhausted. Man being on point like that just takes it out of me. I guess they are hoping to make a decision by the end of next week, so now it's pretty much just wait and see. I do know that they have one internal candidate they are considering, so that makes me a little nervous. I feel like internal people always have the upper-hand. BUT, if they were just going to hire that person automatically, they probably would have just done it and wouldn't be considering outside people. So I think there's still a chance. I'm definitely interested in the job and would be excited to have it, but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I am a cool cat. (Someone please remind me of this if I start freaking out like I did last time I got rejected from a job).

Food and exercise - going okay. The first week I was really back on the wagon I only lost .4, and it kind of pissed me off. Stupid scale. Then last weekend I had a couple of really bad days, and I gained .6. So overall I am up .2. Which is basically maintaining. Great.

I know my body is at a happy weight, a weight that I tend to get stuck at, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to bust out of that. I am still trying to stay on plan and hopefully this week I will actually lose a couple of pounds (gasp!) but we'll see how this weekend goes. The Nuggets are in the playoffs and the party atmosphere is seriously hindering my ability to say no to sports-watching goodies like beer, nachos, etc. Tonight we are going to watch the game at a bar with some friends, so I'm just going to try and watch my alcohol intake and order a salad or something along those lines. We shall see. I can't be held accountable if a chicken strip accidentally makes its way into my mouth.

One thing that has been going really well is our produce delivery. Thanks to Jess for turning me on to this - we get a Bitty Box of organic fruits and veggies delivered every week, and it's been awesome for my produce intake. I've been jumping on the green smoothie bandwagon that seems to be all over the place in blogland right now, adding a couple of handfuls of spinach to a smoothie made with banana, frozen berries, protein powder, almond butter and water and it is awesome. I love feeling like I've eaten a salad first thing in the morning, and honestly you can barely taste the spinach. So good.

So I know this post is all over the place, but at least I'm updating right? The boy is going to China on Sunday for two frakking weeks, so I'll be all by my lonesome, meaning I'll probably update a lot. I'm hoping to use that time to really stay on track, get lots of workouts in and just enjoy being home with the dogger. Oh and maybe finally get my act together and plant the veggies. I'm just so scared of the veggies.

Anyway, have an awesome weekend and go Nuggets! :)

Figuring it out

2009-05-21T08:59:00.002-06:00

I have a dilemma. So I've talked about my job situation here a bit - the fact that I've had trouble finding anything since we've come home from overseas and how that has been really tough on my ego and self-esteem. So I've been pretty much continually looking and sending my resume around for the past five months or so, but in the mean time thinking about doing other things. This of course led me to exploring the whole Registered Dietician thing.

So here's the deal: I applied to a local school, was accepted into their nutrition program and signed up for a nutrition class that starts next week. I decided I'd take the one class just to see if I liked it - just to get a feel and really see what it's like to be back in the classroom (well the online classroom anyway) and to see if I really like the subject matter. I mean I know I like reading food and nutrition and weight loss and fitness blogs and what not, but I don't know if or how that might actually translate into a career. And I don't know if I want to spend a ton of money and time trying to find out.

So fine, I was going to take this class, and just see. But now I had this interview this week, and it went pretty well, and I'm actually pretty excited about it, and I have a second interview next Thursday. And even though I'm interested in the nutrition thing, and I probably still have a long way to go before I find out if I get this job or not, I've started worrying. Worrying about my ability to take a class and start a new job. Worrying about the money it's going to cost us for me to even take this ONE class, let alone more. Worrying about whether or not it would be a mistake to completely abandon a career that I've worked hard for and spent a lot of time and effort on. And that frankly, I still enjoy and get excited about for the most part. I mean I'll never be like my dental hygienist friend who absolutely LOVES going to work every.single.day but I don't think I'd be like that with any job.

Anyway, the point is, tuition is due tomorrow and I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about deferring the class until the fall, so that way I can at least see what happens with this job, but what if I don't get it and I end up wishing I would have taken the class? But what if I do get it and I've spent a lot of money to take this class that I'm not going to be able to focus on completely?

I don't know. Part of me just wants something - anything - to help me feel productive and like I'm learning. But I don't want to waste money just to feel that way. Ugh. If only I knew what was going to happen with this job. I just don't know if I can handle another rejection right now.

Beets are Scary

2009-05-18T09:14:00.004-06:00

Ahh Monday morning. Once again I am happy for the start of the week to be here. The weekend just seems to throw off my routine too much and while weekends are of course always fun, I am a creature of habit. And I happen to like my habits. Especially when they are good ones.

This was a good weekend, the engagement party went off without a hitch. I MAY have been slightly over-served, (wink, wink) but that's okay. We had a great time. Actually I think what contributed to my inebriation was the fact that I was trying to be so careful about accounting for a few glasses of wine in terms of my calorie allotment and I didn't end up eating enough. Empty stomach + too much alcohol when you haven't been drinking for a while = bad news.

I survived though and actually didn't lose my shit on Sunday either. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen, but chose a frozen yogurt instead. And I wanted to get movie theater popcorn, but I made some at home in my popper instead. I think those were good choices. And even though the scale is up this morning, I know it's probably just the salt I ate yesterday and hopefully those lbs will go away after a day of clean eating. Official weigh-in is on Wednesday.

Today I have an interview, so that should be interesting. Of course it's at 1:00, and it's about 30 minutes away, which means I have to leave an hour before because I am a freak and if I get lost it might be a disaster and I might hyperventilate, and I'd just rather sit in my car for 20 minutes and be early than even have to worry for one second that I might be late. So that means I have to leave at 12, which is right around lunchtime, and isn't it sort of pathetic that I'm worried about how my interview is going to make me re-arrange my eating schedule? Wow. That is sad. I guess I'll just have a snack before I go and then have a proper lunch afterward, because while I don't want my stomach growling, I'd rather not be full of food and lethargic during it anyway.

Yeah so there's that. I'm hoping it goes well but that's all I'll really say about that until afterward because you never know who's watching. This is the Internets after all.

Oh question: does anyone know what to do with beets? We got some in our CSA delivery this week and I am at a loss. I want to include them with a meal this week but honestly, I have no idea. They look like they were pulled directly out of the ground. Do I peel them? Then cook them? Or just eat them raw? I guess I'll have to do some research on this one.

Maybe You Should Just Wear a Garbage Bag

2009-05-15T14:56:00.003-06:00

So yeah sore from yoga? Kind of an understatement. I am pretty much half dead. But in different places than I thought I would be. My obliques for one thing, are screaming, and so are my glutes. But it's good because it makes me realize that maybe I'm not working out these muscles quite as well as I should be. So there will be another yoga class in my future, but maybe not right away as I need a little time to heal. I'm totally taking an Epsom salt bath or something. Friday night, woo! I am such a rockstar.

This morning I did get up and jog on the treadmill for about 45 minutes (with walking interspersed) at the gym, then I did the stepmill for about ten minutes when I was done, because seriously that is all I can handle on that death machine. And of course the girl next to me is wearing a fleece jacket, a hat, and she's been on there for like 90 minutes or something and she's doing like level 1, but she's reading a book and acting like she's lounging about instead of working her ass off. What is it with people like that? They make me so mad. I know I shouldn't waste my energy thinking negative thoughts about other people just trying to get their workout in, but I can tell she's so used to doing the same thing over and over, she never changes it up and she's there because that's what she does. It's her thing and her routine and she thinks maybe if she wears a fleece jacket she'll sweat more or something? Well maybe you would sweat more if you actually tried a little harder, ever thought of that?

Okay rant over. Sorry.

Yeah. ANYWAY. Husband and I are going out to dinner (post-Epsom salt bath I guess) but we haven't decided where yet. He'll probably want pizza or Italian and I'll probably have to veto that due to my new found resolve, so I'm off to scour Yelp to find a new and exciting place where I can eat a salad. Yay. Peace out!

Chicken City

2009-05-14T13:50:00.002-06:00

Happy Thursday. I am just home from a sorely needed brow wax and chillaxing on the couch because I am pretty knackered from a yoga class I went to this morning. More on that later though.

First, I'm actually feeling pretty proud of myself because I, along with my grill-master husband, made an awesome dinner last night. We made this Rosemary Mustard chicken, along with grilled artichokes and for dessert, grilled pears! Yum. It ended up being so delicious and pretty much a perfectly healthy meal. After that we settled in to watch the Nuggets obliterate the Mav's (woot!) and I drank a cup of peppermint tea while the boy and his brother had beers. Score for me! I went to bed feeling just a tiny bit hungry, which I really enjoy. I like the idea that my body is burning fat while I'm sleeping, even if biologically that's not really true.

This morning I got up and had some greek yogurt with frozen blueberries for breakfast, went straight to Target to get a new yoga mat, and then hit a Vinyasa class at a studio only about 6 blocks from my gym. I really liked the studio and think I'll be going back - I can't believe how much I've missed doing yoga. I think I get so caught up in going to classes at the gym and what not and I tend to think of yoga as something extra that I don't really need. Well that is changing because I feel great today, totally stretched out and zen. I'm definitely tired though, my body is not used to all of those poses anymore, and I can already tell I'm going to be sore in the shoulders and back. Good sore though!

Had leftover grilled chicken with a salad for lunch, and come to find out we're grilling chicken with our BFFs tonight, so I guess that's kind of a lot of chicken for one day, but oh well. I'm just happy we're doing something healthy instead of ordering pizza. It's going to take enough willpower to show up with a bottle of Perrier instead of a bottle of wine, but I'm going to do it anyway! And probably get some shit for it but oh well. The weekend is fast approaching, and with it my first test of my newfound resolve. I feel great though so it's all good. Hope you all are feeling good too.

Rockin' and Rollin' and What Not

2009-05-13T08:01:00.004-06:00

Well, it's Day 3 and I'm feeling like blogging about what's going on with me is helping, so I'm just going to keep it up. I don't know how many people are even still out there reading, but I guess this is mostly just for me anyway. If you are out there, hi!

Today I'm up early, for me anyway, mostly because I woke up about five times last night itching my hands like crazy. My hands are both swollen, itchy, and if this is anything like the last ten years, some of my fingers will probably swell so much they crack, and in other places I'll scratch the skin right off of my hands, usually while I'm asleep. I know it sounds gross but it isn't that bad, I'm not skinless or anything. This is just another product of my psoriasis, which I've had since I was 18. Since I have psoriatic arthritis too I'm on an injection that is supposed to help both, but every once in a while I get flare-ups like this. It usually happens when I've been traveling, when the weather gets hot, or when I'm too hot when I sleep. I have no idea why, maybe dehydration, but I hate it. Itching is the worst. It drives me absolutely insane.

Anyway, so there's that to deal with, but other than that I am feeling good. I made some amazing choices at dinner, and while I did have two bites of chocolate cake and two chocolate covered strawberries, I am absolutely fine with that. Because people, look at the things I encountered, but did NOT eat yesterday.

tortilla chips

chilled queso

cheesecake bites

warm Italian bread

wine

three types of pasta

gelato

I mean really? Really? That is a lot of delicious food that I did not eat. But I woke up this morning feeling springy (springy? yes I just used springy) instead of with a massive food hangover, and that feels great.

After dinner last night I came home to find that my DVR was not recording the Biggest Loser season finale, and I was pissed, but come to find out the show was on for three freaking hours, so I got to see the last hour. I wish I would have gotten to see more of the transformations, but I'm glad I saw the final three anyway. I'm actually kind of bummed Helen won, I thought it kind of sucked that she stayed and let her daughter go home. But hopefully they worked that out between the two of them and there won't be any resentment or anything like that. And hopefully the money will go toward something positive. Tara looked amazing of course, she is hot. And Mike, he's so cute. But I have to say he looked totally uncomfortable in his hipster pants. I don't think he was quite ready for that.

Jillian and Helen are supposed to be on the Today Show this morning, so I'm hoping they come on before I leave for kickboxing. I just love Jillian.

Aight, that's it for me. Have a wonderful day!

Day 1 and 2. Hanging In

2009-05-12T16:22:00.003-06:00

I had a good day yesterday. I mean, I finally felt like I was in control of my impulses and I was able to make good choices. And I was rewarded with a three pound loss this morning, which I know of course is all the water weight and bloat I was experiencing. I ate vegetables. I ate lean protein and healthy fats. I went to kickboxing and I drank tea after dinner instead of eating ice cream.

And today, even though it's my sister's birthday and I ate out for lunch and will eat out again for dinner, I'm still in control. I had a salad at lunch and skipped the chips. I have a plan for dinner even though we're eating Italian, which I know will be difficult for me. I do love the pasta. But I know that's not what I need right now. We're eating at a "family-style" place, meaning HUGE HUGE portions of food and we all have to figure out something to agree on, but I'm just going to make sure I fill up on as much salad as I can, and then watch my portion of anything else we choose. I will be mindful of my fullness level and I'll stop when I'm full, not when I'm stuffed.

I think these early days are both so easy and so hard. On the one hand I feel great because I've recommitted to getting some weight off. I have goals in mind and I know what I need to do to achieve them. But the sugar cravings are there. My stomach is clearly stretched out because I'm hungry, neigh starving, even though I know I'm eating plenty. I have to constantly remind myself not to open up the pantry and grab some chips or some crackers or what have you.

So yeah, I'm doing well right now, but I know the road is going to be hard. My first big test will be this weekend. On Saturday I'm hosting my sister's engagement party, and there will be lots of stress, but lots of merriment and lots of friends eating and drinking copious amounts. So there's that. And that will be hard. BUT I'm just going to do the best I can and try to think about WHY I'm making the choices I'm making and know that in the end, although sometimes it sucks to eat broccoli and drink water instead of wine, this is worth it for me right now.

In other news, I also found a yoga studio in my neighborhood and called them this morning about classes. I was doing yoga quite a bit in Singapore and haven't done it at all since I've been back, and I'm really missing it. My hips are bothering me, probably from all the kickboxing I've been doing, and I know getting back into yoga will help that. I was also listening to Jillian Michael's radio show the other day and she was talking about the benefits of investing in massage, and I decided I'm going to take that to heart and schedule an appointment. Yes it's expensive and it feels like an indulgence with the crappy economy, but it's an investment in my health and I think I deserve it.

I guess that's it for today. Gotta go get ready for dinner. Thanks for listening to my whining all the time. :)

Thinking to Do

2009-05-11T16:20:00.003-06:00

Hi. Long time no write. Mostly because I've been waffling about what I'm going to do. Not just about my life and my future and my career. I'm waffling day-to-day, about what goes in my mouth and what kind of workouts I'm doing and mostly I've been struggling. Somehow I can't get it moving and even though I know what the right choices are, I can't seem to make them.

We went to Maryland over the weekend for a wedding and had a fantastic time, but looking back on it and the choices I made I think it's time I acknowledge I have some major issues with food. I mean, I guess I've known this all along, but I really need to figure out why I do the things I do. Why I sabotage any success I might have. Why I use any occasion, small or big, as an excuse to binge. This weekend I ate starburst, cheez-its, chicken strips, french fries, red velvet cake, ice cream and who knows what else, just because I was on "vacation." No other reason. Ridiculous. I came back weighing at least 5 more lbs than I did when I left. It all started the night before we left, with a giant falafel sandwich. And pretty much went straight downhill from there.

So what is it? What are my motivations? What is behind this? Is it food addiction? Yes. Is it self-medication? Yes. Is it pure boredom? Yes. I know these things. Yet I cannot CAN. NOT. for the life of me figure out how to stop myself in the moment. How to take a step back and say, do NOT put that in your mouth. Do not continue opening Starbursts like a zombie, without even thinking about it, and put them in your mouth. Actually I can figure out how to say it, because even as I'm partaking in these bad behaviors I'm thinking I shouldn't be doing it, yet I still go ahead and do it. My brain thinks "no, no, no" and my mouth goes "yes, yes, yes."

And I don't know how to stop it. All I can do for right now is get back on the wagon, yet again, and try to keep going. It think I feel like if I keep trying, just keep trying, no matter how many times I fail at this, one of these days I'll succeed. Today I'm feeling bloated, and gross, and like I want to do something drastic. But I know drastic never works for me, so I'm just going to go back to my normal eating habits, my HEALTHY eating habits. I'm eating nourishing, whole foods and I'm giving my body what it wants.

I just don't want to go through another year where all I think about is the weight I'm not losing and the weight I should be losing. I really want to hit my goal weight. And if I really want it, and know how to do it, it should be attainable. It will be attainable. I'm going to keep trying, day in and day out. In the meantime I thin I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Progress

2009-04-22T10:50:00.002-06:00

Okay I have been on the phone. Calling and making appointments and figuring this out. I now have appointments with two different advisors in the state of Colorado regarding their Dietetics program. As far as I can tell, this is serious stuff. I mean this isn't just take one class and then all of the sudden you're a dietician. No, there is lots of chemistry and biology and stuff that this English major never even considered taking. And it could take years. Years where I'm not making any money, in fact where I'm paying to be in school AGAIN. But you know what? I'm excited!

Even if I don't end up pursuing a degree in Dietetics, I feel good about taking the time to look into these programs and schedule these meetings and learn more about it. And yes, part of me is nervous about going into these meetings and having advisors wonder why an overweight girl wants to be come a Dietician, but you know what, I'm not gonna let that bother me. I'm just not. I'm interested in this, and yes my body isn't perfect and I still have work to do, but I'm done letting my body hold me back.

I was excited to learn today that even if I don't decide to pursue this degree, I might be able to take an intro to nutrition class this summer, which could be really cool and fun. Or maybe totally boring? Who knows. But at least it's a possibility.

And since I've spent the entire afternoon on my computer and on the phone, I haven't gotten anything else accomplished today. I guess that's okay too since I'm thinking about my FUTURE and my CAREER and all that crap. Yay.

My mom is coming over in about an hour to help me address invites for my sister's engagement party, then we're going over to the location to decide on the food we'll be serving. I guess that means lots of little bites and nibbles of this and that for dinner, but hopefully I can refrain from overdoing it. I know there will be hummus involved, and I love hummus, so hopefully its all good. On that note, I'm off to pick up the house so my mom doesn't yell at me about how dirty it is (don't ya love being scared of what your mom thinks even at the ripe old age of 29?). Hope everyone is having a great day.

Career Outlook?

2009-04-20T09:42:00.003-06:00

Eh. I just feel eh. Can't really think of any other way to describe it. So much crap has been going on in my life, and sadly none of it is really that positive. I keep thinking I should be footloose and fancy free or carefree or some other crap, but if I honestly examine my feelings most of the time, I'm pissed off, sad, angry or just plain annoyed. I'm still sort of feeling that apathy I was talking about in my last post I guess.

Part of it is my current job situation. I had an interview, two interviews and then they took me out to lunch and schmoozed me and and showed me the office and I was so, so excited because I thought finally, finally! I'm going to get a job and go back to work. I thought I had it in the bag.It wasn't my dream job, but it was a good job and I was happy that my career wasn't going down the shitter anymore and I was going to make some money and feel like a contributing member of our household and it was going to be good. I would wear pants again on a regular basis. Not just workout clothes, which I practically live in now.

Then the recruiter called and left me a message on my voicemail telling me they had offered it to another candidate. What?!? Why take me out to lunch? Why the schmoozing? What did I do wrong? I am not going to lie, I cried. A lot. I just didn't get it. I was rejected. I hate being rejected. I finally talked to my would-be boss and he told me they were worried I was a little overqualified, that I might be bored, etc. and although he gave valid reasons, it still really hurts. I don't like being told no. I am not good at processing no. I automatically go to the "I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough" place and that is not a good place for me to be.

I cried and ate a lot of frozen yogurt and then I went to Texas to see my dad/stepmom/stepsisters and I ate so much food when I was there. As is typical, I totally reverted back to my childhood behavior and comforted myself with lots and lots of food. Good Mexican food. I'll bet I ate 1,000 calories worth of tortilla chips alone one day. I did go on a run while I was down there, which was the talk of the family. Everyone was so amazed by one little run. And both of my grandfathers made semi-inappropriate comments on how I'd lost weight (they hadn't seen me since I'd been back from Singapore). Still, I came home from Texas and I had gained about 6 lbs. Most of that was water weight blah blah and I took most of it right back off, but I'm still up a bit and I can see myself on that brink. I don't think I'm ready to just maintain for a few months. Maybe that's what I'll end up doing, but I think I still need to try.

Now that I'm back in Denver, I'm still pissed off about the job situation and I feel like I'm back at square one. My husband has really encouraged me to think about what I want to do with myself, and I keep coming back to my interest in diet/fitness. Maybe I should pursue a career in this after all? But what kind of career? I don't think fitness trainer. As much as I love the gym, it's just not for me. I'm not mentally or physically ready to pursue that and I think it's possible I have too many issues with my body for me to ever be ready for that. So what else is there?

Well... I started thinking about it and I thought maybe I could become a registered dietician? It's not easy to do, it takes a lot of schooling and a degree and then passing another test and that all takes time and money. But I'm still young enough, and even though I have a career and two degrees already, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere at the moment so maybe I do have the time do pursue something else, something I'm actually already pretty passionate about?

There are two Universities in the Denver area that offer R.D. programs, so I sent them both emails about my credentials and about whether or not they have openings, and I actually heard back from one and may be meeting with the director of the University of Northern Colorado's program this week! This is all very early days, so I'm not getting too excited about anything yet, but at least I can pick her brain about what the market is like for dieticians right now and find out whether or not this might be something I'd actually want to do.

There are so many things to consider. I'd have to commute to Greeley for this program, which is NOT close (1 hour 10 minutes away) but maybe I could cluster my classes in such a way that I'd only have to do it a couple of times a week? I'd also have to take a LOT of science classes, which might be hard for this former English major, but you know, I think I'm pretty smart and I can handle it. I'd also have to find the money, and resign myself to not having a job for at least two years, if not more, and that is kind of a scary thing. And what if I never get to my goal weight and then I'm this overweight dietician? Isn't that kind of hypocritical? AND we've been thinking about the pregnancy thing, and what if being in school and having a baby is too much for me? And what if I go back to school, and I decide to do this, and then I'm not happy with this either? What if I'm never happy? I don't know.

I do know it's something I'm at least interested in exploring, and even if that's all it ever is, at least I'll have looked into it and I'll know that I'm not letting life just pass me by, I'm actively thinking about what I want to do and who I want to be. I'm still trying to think about other jobs/things I could do in this field, because clearly it's a hobby of mine, and I haven't come up with much. All I know is each as each new week comes and goes, I get more and more upset about my situation, my lack of a job, a direction, a purpose, and I think something has to change.

Apathy

2009-04-03T09:41:00.003-06:00

Well I guess I'm not THAT ready to get back on track. I think I'm stuck in this up down cycle because I'm at a place where I'm sort of happy with my weight. I don't know if happy is the right word. But I'm content. I'm in an OKAY place I mean. I don't know how to say it right because I'm not content, I still have more weight to lose and I want to lose it, but I think I'm in this middle place where I'm not feeling SO bad about things.

I'm not depressed every single day. I'm healthy, for the most part. I wear a size 14, sometimes a 12, which means I can shop at regular stores, for the most part. I can keep up at the gym, for the most part. Here in the U.S., even though I live in the fittest state in the nation, I can usually walk into a restaurant or a shop and know that I'm not the biggest person in the room. (This was so not the case in Singapore). And I have some level of body confidence. Sure I'm not prancing around in a bikini yet, not that I'd ever prance, but you know, I'm not there yet. I'm still pinching at my arms when I'm in a tank top.

For some reason though, I'm at a place where I WANT to care, but when it comes down to it, when it comes down to making the right choices and not drinking that beer or eating those nachos, I just don't. I just don't care.

So now what? Maybe I'll care more once the sun starts shining and wearing a swimsuit becomes an actual possibility. Maybe I'll care when I go to buy those designer jeans and I have to go to the men's section because the women's are all too small. Maybe I'll care after I have lunch with my friend who just had twins and already has her razor sharp hip bones jutting over the top of her jeans.

I don't know. I know I still have some weight to lose so that I can be fit and healthy and be in the best possible shape for my body. But I also know that some of those pounds are purely vanity pounds. Ten pounds, those are maybe health pounds. Twenty pounds, those are probably vanity pounds.

When I look back, I've basically been maintaining my weight since we returned from Asia. I've been bouncing up and down here and there, but for the most part it's been 3-4 months of pure maintenance. Which is good, it leads me to believe I can maintain. But that sad part is, I've really just been maintaining under the guise of "trying" to lose. And I know I'm not being honest unless I admit that I haven't really been trying at all.

It is a fact that I still have some weight to lose. How much is debatable. But how do I get to that place where I care again? I don't want it to have to come to one of those moments where I break a chair in an Italian restaurant in front of my entire extended family (yes, I've done that and no, I don't think I'll ever recover). I want it to matter because it should matter and wearing a 14 is great because it's not a 20 anymore, but it's not good enough. Problem is, right now it sort of is.

I don't know what to do. Maybe the answer is to focus on trying to maintain and not actually losing for a few months? And then maybe by June or July I'll be ready to try again? Or should I just shut the eff up and do it and lose this weight for good and quit worrying about it? (Like it's so easy ha ha). Or should I just get over the vanity pounds? I don't know. I'm so apathetic it's becoming pathetic. Is that possible? Blah blah blah I'm probably going to be talking about this forever. Ugh.

Pokes Head Up

2009-03-31T15:18:00.003-06:00

I may finally be on the mend. I'm still coughing a bit and for some reason I can't shake this sense of utter exhaustion, but besides that I'm feeling a zillion times better. I don't know what this plague is all about but is an absolute ass-kicker. And what is it about the plague that just makes me want to eat? There is this new Mexican place down the street from my house that is so freaking amazingly delicious and I wish I hadn't tried it. But of course I did and now all I want to do is drown myself in bean burritos. Ugh.

I attempted to hit the gym for the first time in a full week on Saturday morning before I had to go to a friend's baby shower, but I lasted a paltry 20 minutes before I had to get off and go lay on my couch. After lounging about pretty much all day Sunday and Monday, I finally managed to make it back to the gym this morning for a boot camp class, and although it was super tough and I can tell my body still isn't 100%, I was SO happy to be back. I really have made fitness a part of my life, and while it amazes me, taking more than a week off from working out really makes me crazy. I miss the movement, I miss the sweat, I miss the way my body feels when my heart rate is up and I'm sucking wind. I actually like inflicting pain on myself. :)

But, with the lack of working out over the past couple of weeks and the crappy food intake, my goals have sort of fallen by the wayside. I feel puffy and bloated and yucky. And it's not just because of the plague. I'm ready to get myself back on track on all accounts. AND, I need to take advantage of my current jobless situation while I still can, because (fingers crossed) I had an interview last week and I think it went really well. So while I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I am cautiously optimistic about potentially having a day gig to go to soon!

So what does that mean for this week? Back to the gym, back to kickboxing and the treadmill and hopefully, even back to broccoli. I need to get my mojo back stat. The boy had to go out of town for work so it's just me and the dogger, and I think this is the perfect time to get moving.

Check In

2009-03-26T14:33:00.003-06:00

Hi. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm around, I've just been sick for what seems like ages and I'm just over it. I'm snotty and gross and feel like crap and it is ruining everything. Whine.

I'll be back when I have something a little more positive to say.

Weigh In and Goals Update

2009-03-11T08:29:00.003-06:00

173.8. That's a loss of two pounds since two weeks ago, when I set my goals. I didn't weigh in last week because I'm a slacker and I have no excuse for it. Wasn't a good start to achieving those goals but here I am now and that's what counts right? So let's see, I'm on my way to my 5 lb loss by May 1, so goal #3 is on its way to being met. Woo to the hoo! It is SO nice to see the numbers go down on the scale for once. Maybe it was those Brussels sprouts I had last night? More on those later...

Sorry, I'm totally out of order, so now I'm going back to Goal #1, which was to work out 4-6 times a week. I just got home from kickboxing, which was my third workout this week, and I plan to hit Camp24 tomorrow and snowboard Saturday, so that will make a minimum of five workout this week. I may even try to run Friday depending on the weather/how I feel because I woke up this morning kind of snotty and icky. I better not be getting sick because I am a pillar of freaking health. A pillar I tell you.

Anyway. Goal #2 was stay within my calorie range 6 days a week. Eh. I don't think I've been perfect but I'm doing what I can. I'm still struggling with my alcohol intake on weekends. I swear it's just a couple of glasses of wine at a baby shower (and you KNOW I needed them) and then a couple of glasses that night, okay maybe three, but it just adds up and it's killing me. I haven't been going over by much, but I don't want to be replacing healthy food calories with alcohol calories (i.e. drunkorexic) so I'm just trying to find my balance. During the week I seem to be doing great, so I guess I'll just keep doing the best I can and one of these days I will figure it out.

Goal #3, we've already been over, and goal #4 was to improve my form in kickboxing. LOL. For real. I am still mostly flailing about, in fact today I had a particularly bad day, but I'm blaming that on the fact that I haven't been sleeping well and I'm not feeling great today. I was just so tired and when I'm tired, I have crappy form. So we'll keep working on that.

Goal #5 was to cook, and I've been doing that! I made veggie chili for lunch yesterday and then last night I made Brussels sprouts. Hmm, how do I say this politely? I don't think I'll be buying them frequently. I roasted them with olive oil and salt and pepper and they looked quite lovely coming out of the pan, but the insides were just a little mushy for me. Maybe I didn't cook them long enough? I don't know, I'm going to try again because I have at least two servings left in my frig, so hopefully next time they will come out better.

On today's menu:

B: Banana w/ almond butter

L: turkey sandwich, small side salad

S: spicy trail mix

D: leftover veggie chili

I guess that's it for me today. I know this was kind of a a boring post, but it's so good for me to write out updates on my goals like this. Now if I can only keep it up! I hope you all have a wonderful day. :)

Random Blah Blah

2009-03-10T09:52:00.002-06:00

I have been having trouble getting motivated to write. So instead of something coherent I guess I'll just word vomit and see if anything interesting comes up.

Yesterday I went to everyone's favorite health store and spent my whole non-existent paycheck. Ridiculous, but I hadn't been grocery shopping in a while and I've committed to locking myself in my house and eating every meal at home save a lunch date on Friday. The boy is out of town this week for a conference, so it's pretty easy for me to eat whatever I want and not have to worry about making extra for him. Typically he eats what I eat, but I always make an extra carb or side dish for him (risotto, tortillas for tacos, that kind of thing) so not having to do that is kind of fun. Actually, if I'm being honest, I haven't really cooked anything for myself. Last night for dinner I had a turkey sandwich. But I have PLANS to cook. And that's what counts.

Anyway, while I was at Wh0le F00ds I purchased a new sweetener that I am now attempting to enjoy in my coffee. It's called XyloSweet, an all natural Xylitol sweetener. Since I'm obsessed with Jillian Michaels and have heard her recommend this on her podcast a couple of times, I decided to give it a shot. I've eliminated most artificial sweeteners from my diet, I'm off diet soda and try not to buy too much sugar free stuff (although I'm still sort of addicted to SF pudding, but I'm working on that). However, this means that lately in my coffee, I've just been using full sugar, full fat creamer and I'm here to tell you this was not a good idea. Aside from the fact that is full of crap and the calories can add up quickly, it was so sweet and delicious in the morning it was giving me cravings all day. So, I'm hopeful that trying XyloSweet will nip that in the bud and also help me get rid of cravings.

Now I know you're probably thinking, "but aren't you just replacing one artificial sweetener with another?" And I was thinking that too, but apparently this stuff is all natural, not bleached and processed within and inch of it's life like Splenda (which I still like) and Aspartame. I don't know, I haven't done loads of research on it yet and I can't debate the merits per se, but it tastes ok in my coffee so I'm going to give it a shot. I did learn that it is toxic to dogs, so I'll be keeping it away from the dogger.

Oh yeah I also got some Jay Robb protein powder for smoothies and man, that stuff is good. I made one yesterday with chocolate protein powder, water, and almond butter and it was freaking delish. I have been having trouble figuring out how/what to eat on Mondays when I go to kickboxing from 6:30-7:30, which is during my normal dinner hour. So yesterday I made the protein shake around 5 as a pre-workout meal, then came home and had a small turkey sandwich around 8. This seemed to work well, I was properly fueled for my workout and I think I got the right nutrients I needed afterward too.

Today I'm going to make some veggie chili around lunchtime to have for the rest of the week, and I'm going to hit the Camp24 class at 4:30. I'm thinking about staying for step afterward, I've seen some people who do that, but for some reason I'm terribly afraid of taking a step class. What if I trip over the step and fall on my face? What if I sprain my ankle? What if my thong hangs out? We'll see.

Dinner is going to consist of leftover chicken salad and tomato soup. I guess it's a good thing it snowed last night and is freezing today, I'll get my soup fix in times two today!

P.S. I'm watching the View, and why oh why does Lady GaGa not ever wear pants?

New Career Path?

2009-03-02T09:36:00.002-07:00

First, I must say hi to anyone who found me through Jess. Welcome, and make yourself at home. Wow Jess, I have to say, you sent a lot of visitors my way. I got home from a trip to the mountains last night and checked my stats and immediately became paranoid about writing a new! exciting! post so that my new visitors would want to stick around and read. After watching some old House reruns and somehow getting sucked into the Celebrity Apprentice (don't want to talk about it, it won't happen again) I decided I didn't have anything new! and exciting! to say. So I went to bed.

Here I am this morning in the same state, so I think I'll just stick to what I usually do. Which is just babbling on about fitness and food and booze. Since I continue to toil about with no job and no hope of one in sight, I tried to go snowboarding on Friday with some girlfriends. Well, we got up to A-Basin and it was snowy and cold and windy and we took one run and turned around and came home. Not worth it. Saturday ended up being beautiful and we went to Breckenridge, along with pretty much every other person in Colorado and all the tourists too. The lift lines were long, but we had a great day and I am experiencing some wonderful delayed-onset muscle soreness today. Enough that I'm thinking I should probably just spend most of the day on the couch relaxing, even though it is supposed to be 72 today. I'm sure it'll be nice again tomorrow too.

Also contributing to my desire to veg is the fact that I think I may be getting sick. We spent the weekend with my brother-in-law's cute little mutt of a dog and I thought my throat was hurting and ears were itching due to allergies, but I've been home for a while now and it is still happening. Boo to sickness. I can't be sick. I don't even have anywhere to call in sick to. Isn't that the whole point of getting sick?

Tonight I'm going to see Jimmy Eat World at the Ogden, which I could not be more excited about. I love this band, loved them since high school, and even though I'm sure I'll be surrounded by way too many screaming teenagers, I am going to rock out to every song. And then I'm going to come home and make myself a cup of tea like a grown up. No booze tonight because of course this weekend was a little nutty, although I am quite proud of my food choices. My goals are still in place; I am a woman on a mission.

It's funny, we were talking with some friends this weekend about what I could do with my time since I'm having so much trouble finding a job in my field right now, and it came up that I spend a great deal of time at the gym, so why don't I think about becoming an instructor of some sort. I've thought about it a lot because I do enjoy classes and I'd really like to spend my day working with other people on their fitness. But here's the thing: I'm not a hard body. I'm not in perfect shape. And my roundhouse kicks are sort of pathetic. Somehow I think I have to be a perfect specimen of fitness in order to even think about going in that direction.

I know logically that's mostly not true, although I'm sure there are fitness tests and what not you need to take in order to be an instructor of say, kickboxing. But in terms of what I look like, what my body fat percentage is and what size my pants are, it shouldn't really matter should it? Yes I want to lose some weight, but I am a firm believer that you can be fit and fat, so why shouldn't I be able to teach a class? Or do some personal training? Is it because I'm so vain and obsessive about my size? I've had so many issues over the years I'd be afraid of everyone judging me? Is it because I'm afraid I'd fail?

I'm sure people have written about overweight fitness instructors somewhere. Have you ever had one? What do you think about it?

Piece of Cake

2009-02-26T10:12:00.003-07:00

Hey! Well I am feeling good about my goals. Everything is in place and honestly, it's nice to just have that out there. I did weigh in yesterday and I was at 175.8. This is a .4 loss from last week. Woo hoo? I dunno, whatever. As I said, my goal is to lose 5 lbs by May 1, but in all honesty, I think that is setting the bar too low. I have a full two months to lose 5 lbs? I know I am a slow loser, but I also want to give myself some motivation, so I'm going to say 8 lbs, putting me squarely in the middle of the upper 160's, which is a place I have never been. So the goal by May 1 is 8 lbs, or 167.8 lbs. This is going to be easy. I am going to do this no problemo.

One thing I do need to do is spend a little more time looking at my calorie allowance. I use Spark People and it says I should be eating 1200-1550, which is a pretty big range, and based on my BMR, I think I should be at about 1400 on days I don't work out in order to create a big enough deficit to lose 1-2 lbs a week. Usually I'm good with sticking right around this, but sometimes I think I might need a little more food, especially on days where I'm burning major calories. Sure it'd be nice to create a monstrous deficit on those days, but if I don't give my body enough food, it's sure to end either with starvation mode or a binge, neither of which I want.

So my question is, how much leeway should I give myself if I have an intense workout and am feeling extra hungry? Yesterday in kickboxing I'm estimating I burned 500-600 calories based on what my heart rate monitor says (it kept showing 00 at random times, methinks I need to clean the strap). And then after that workout, I was super hungry all day, but I was trying to stay within my allotted calories, per my goals of course. Well I ended up eating 1723 cals, which is of course over the 1550, but not by much. So TECHNICALLY I didn't meet that goal yesterday, but I'm not going to get all psycho about this, because that isn't good for anyone's mental health. Hell, the fact that I'm even writing this out is a little over the top. That's it, I've officially decided that I can consume up to 1800 calories on days I kickbox or have another really tough workout. I trust myself and I know that if I need the calories, I need the calories. Even if they are in the form of wine. :)

Speaking of being psycho and having too much ego, Angie had a really great post yesterday about living in the present and how our weight loss isn't always the battle we think it is. This really resonated with me - I am always always worrying about this shit and letting it define my life and sometimes I really think I just need to get over myself and DEAL. This is my life, I love it, and things are going to be okay. Yes I want to continue to lose and yes I have my goals, but my world doesn't always have to revolve around this subject. As one of Angie's commenters said, sometimes you just have to tell yourself it's going to be easy. So as I said above, my goal of 8 lbs by May 1 is going to be a piece of cake!*

Tonight I'm going to that Camp24 interval class again, which I love, and then afterward we are heading out with our best friends to a new restaurant by our house. This week is Denver Restaurant Week, so tons of restaurants around town are having awesome pre-fix menus for $52.80 (the Mile High city, that's how we roll) per couple. I don't know what's on the menu, but I'm sure it will involve dessert and wine, so I'm just going to do my best to make good choices and enjoy a nice dinner on the cheap! I'll work it into my calorie budget, don't you worry! Hope everyone has a great day.

Mother Lovin GOALS

2009-02-24T08:50:00.004-07:00

Good bad up down on off. Consistency has left the building. Actually I don't know if I EVER had it. The past two months have just been hard. I really feel like every day is a battle. When it comes to my food choices, I'm just not strong. I can plan and plan but it seems I have one little slip-up and my whole day gets turned on it's side. Too much alcohol one night turns into pizza and cookies the next day. A bite of my husband's french fries and suddenly I want to go out for ice cream. Who is this person? Not me.

The good news is I have been working out like a fiend. And I do have my good days. So at least I'm maintaining. And I think I may even be down a pound or so this week, but I'm still up at least four lbs from my lowest weight, and I don't know if I'll ever break that elusive 170 barrier. Actually eff that, I do know. I'm putting it out in the universe. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? I will see the 160's in March or April. As fatblogland as my witness, I will do this.

In that spirit, I think I need a few more goals. SMART goals. Specific, measurable, achievable, r.... what's the r stand for again? And t? I don't know t either. Anyway, the first three will do.

So, a few small goals, and a few bigger goals.

1. Workout 4-6 times per week. This should be a breeze given my current level of activity. I am including snowboarding and snowshoeing in this as well as trips to the gym, outdoor runs, bike rides, whatever else I come up with. This does not include walking the dog.

2. Stay within my calorie range at least 6 days a week. I can go over one day IF it is a day that I have worked out and IF I have stayed in my range the other six days. It isn't an all-out blowout, but I will allow myself some extra calories.

3. Lose a minimum of 5 lbs by May 1. I know I can do this. I will do this. This will be 5 lbs below my official weigh-in as of tomorrow, February 25.

4. Improve my form in kickboxing. I am loving this workout right now and I want to improve. I don't know how to measure that, but I think aiming to always jack instead of march might be a good start. Also to try to actually kick out instead of just toward the ground.

5. Cook. Starting with going to the grocery store right now.

Okay I think that's it. I feel good having some goals down.

Antsy Pants

2009-02-18T09:49:00.001-07:00

Let's talk about workout pants. I am having a major problem and I really don't know what to do. The situation is as follows:

Lucy has been my go-to for workout pants for a couple of years now, although I have gotten a few items from Target and Lululemon and some other places. I typically like a capri length, black pant. Fairly tight, but maybe flared at the bottom. Not necessarily tights if you know what I mean. For the most part, all the pants I've had have served me well.

Here's my problem though. Lately, whenever I run, like really book it doing intervals, or go to kickboxing and we do lots of jumping jacks, or do any other high impact cardio, my pants fall down. They just sort of slowly creep downward to this area right above my lady parts, and then I have to reach back down and hike them up. And the things is, this happens with pretty much any pair I have. It happens with an old stretched out pair of Lucy pants. A brand new pair that is relatively tight. A pair of actual running tights (actually it seems worse with this pair that is meant to be extremely tight-fitting). A pair of wind pants. Everything! It's kind of like that rolling-down pantyhose phenomenon, if you know what I mean.

I know what the problem is. It's my belly. I've always thought my extra weight was pretty evenly distributed, but if I really look at myself, I do have quite a bit of extra jiggle in my tummy area. And when I'm really moving, I guess that part of me just wiggles right out of my pants. And I do NOT like that. I am not like my teeney tiny instructor, whose pants only come up about three inches below her belly button but it doesn't matter because her stomach is so perfectly flat. I guess I am an old lady but I need the support of a waistband around my belly.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should start buying pants a size too small? Or is there a brand I haven't found that is going to be my savior? What do the girls on the Biggest Loser wear? I mean, it's not like I'm asking for anything outrageous here. Just a good pair of size L workout pants that won't drop when I'm jab jab crossing!

I should be on a cooking reality show

2009-02-17T19:26:00.006-07:00

Because I am THAT good. I made the BEST dinner tonight. I am such a superstar. I mean truly, I rock. I love having an oven and Wh0le F00ds and my iPod in my kitchen. Shit, Americans are truly lucky. So I can't find a job right now, I'm up half the night worrying about stupid crap like whether that little clip from my snowpants is still on the dryer, and I had to go the dentist today. I had an awesome dinner.

My dentist is down south near my parent's house (I've been going to him forever) and so after I was done, I went to the the mecca that is the Wh0le F00ds down there. We have a pretty nice one sort of close to me, but not close enough to justify going there a lot. But the one I went to this afternoon is freaking amazing. It's huge and full of so much gorgeous food it is just ridiculous. I probably could have spent two or three hours in there just walking around, but I was sort of in a rush so I just picked up a few things here and there. I didn't really know what to do about dinner so I ended up getting these pre-made spinach and feta salmon burgers, some broccoli and some sweet potatoes. So good.

OMG American Id0l just totally effed up. Ha ha. Seacrest is not that great of an improviser. Okay side note over.

The thing about dinner was that is was so easy. I turned the oven to 425, threw in the sweet potatoes, prepped the broccoli, (used this recipe, and it truly is the best broccoli of your life) and then threw that in. The salmon burgers were already together, so all I had to do was saute them for about five minutes on each side. Piece of cake and ended up all being so so good.

Now that I'm all full of healthy food I'm settling in to watch BL and read some blogs. Oh yeah and I've been on twitter for a while as my normal self, but I decided to set up a special account just for this blog, so if you're interested, I'm here. I' think I'm going to experiment with tweeting my food and exercise as well as you know, all my witty thoughts throughout the day. :)

P.S. This weekend was great - we did a 6 mile snowshoe! Holy crap. I hate my husband sometimes. I mean love. I love him.

ETA: Just realized DG totally posted about this broccoli today too. Or maybe yesterday. Anyway, it's broccoli time in fatblogland.

I AM FINE

2009-02-13T15:25:00.004-07:00

Okay I am fine. I have gained some pounds and am having trouble getting on track but really, I am fine. I have been to the gym every day this week. I had a salad for lunch because I was craving greens. So really, I am fine. I have to keep telling myself this because I can see where I'm going, I can see how I'm falling and I need it not to happen. I need not to gain weight and in fact I need to lose 15-20 more lbs forever. And ever. I am going to be fine. I need to make sure I'm fine.

We decided to go to the mountains for the weekend and stay at the boy's parent's house. i think it's good. It'll be just the two of us and the dogger. I think we need the time together, and I think it'll be good for me to remove myself from some of the social situations that have been causing me to overdo it on the food and alcohol front. Tonight we'll probably just stay in, cook something easy. Tomorrow we're going to get up and go snowshoeing, which is always a butt-kicker. I don't know about tomorrow night, I guess we're just going to find someplace up in the mountains to go eat, although we may end up staying in again as it's sure to be packed with tourists given it's President's Day weekend.

Anyway, I'm hoping I can pull it together and have a good weekend. I know just a couple of good days in a row will really help me get to a better place mentally. And that's what I need right now.

2009-02-12T13:26:00.001-07:00

Oh. My. God.

I have no willpower. Just ate a cupcake. Must pull it together.

At The Gym: Taking Some Classes

2009-02-11T11:41:00.004-07:00

Oh hello. I am in a much better mood today and not so worried about my life and my future and all of those things. I swear I am so up and down I must be bi-polar. Not really, but it never ceases to amaze me how much my moods swing. Hormones anyone? Wow.

Actually I think one reason I'm feeling better is the fact that I've been getting my ass to the gym and working that shit out. I am a big believer in exercise being a mood enhancer. Now I'm not going to lie, it's not as good as some of the pharmaceuticals out there, but hey, sometimes you have to work with what you've got.

Yesterday I knew I really needed to hit some weights, but I just DID. NOT. FEEL LIKE IT. I dilly-dallied all day. Had lunch with my mom and sister. Went to the mall and tried on shoes. Ate some chocolate-covered almonds. Read all about Chris Brown and Rhianna (side note - will be taking his songs off of my workout mixes. NEVER EVER is violence okay).

Anyway, around 4 I decided to check out the gym's class schedule, and wouldn't you know it, there was a class starting at 4:30. I decided to go for it. The class, called Camp24 at my local Biggest Loser sponsored-club, is described as a circuit designed to improve cardiovascular and muscular strength. I figured it was kind of like a mix between Body Pump and step class. I was basically right.

Well I got there at about 4:20 and the room was already packed, all the girls had their steps all set up and their weights ready to go. So I scurried over and set up my step in one of the only places left, of course at the very front of the room, and sat down to wait. What is it about a room full of women waiting to get their work out on? Honestly it kind of scares me. It must be all that estrogen.

When the instructor came in and told us it was a mix of strength exercises and cardio based on kickboxing moves, I relaxed a little. I'm obsessed with kickboxing right now, so I knew it would be perfect. We did lots of fake jump roping, jumping jacks, running in place, that sort of thing and then mixed it up with your basic weight moves - lunges, squats, bicep curls, chest presses, etc. I liked it and I think I got a good workout, although my muscles aren't really as sore as I think they should be after a good weight session. I really wish I knew how many calories I burned, but for some reason my heart rate monitor isn't registering my heart rate consistently right now, so it didn't give me a very accurate reading for the workout.

So yeah, I'm liking classes right now. I'm liking that taking one class gets me in the gym for a full 60 minutes, and I'm liking that I don't really have to think about what I'm supposed to be doing. I just follow the instructor like a robot. An intense, hardcore robot. Umm yeah. I went to regular kickboxing this morning, and I'm betting I can find another good class tomorrow or Friday. That's three good classes for the week, couple that with a few runs on my own (okay maybe just one) and maybe one weight circuit, and that should be a really good week of workouts.

What about you? Do you take any classes I should check out?

Hopefully It Lives Up to Its Name

2009-02-09T09:47:00.002-07:00

I took a pregnancy test today.

It's so weird how I've been doing all this waffling back and forth about how soon I want to get pregnant and whether or not I'm ready and this and that and then, things started happening and I thought, well maybe I'll just be pregnant and I won't have planned for it and that's how it'll be.

Let me back up. So since we've been back from Singapore, I've been trying to go back on my food plan (aka not eat everything in sight) but I've been having a really hard time sticking to it. Meaning I think I've gained a couple of pounds. Actually I know it. Then my boobs started getting sore. Really sore. Painfully sore. Then I started getting emotional about some things. And last night, some little thing just clicked in the back of my head and I thought, shit, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm fat and hormonal and pregnant.

So what did I do? Pretty much the stupidest thing in the world. I got on the Internets. And I started reading. And self-diagnosing. Now I have an IUD or IU whatever they are calling it these days. It's the Mirena and it's supposed to be 99% effective at preventing pregnancy. Wouldn't you know it though, there are lots of ladies on the good old world wide web that have gotten pregnant even with this sucker in place. Lots. And they have stories. Lots and lots of stories. So I started reading the stories and thinking hmmm, maybe I'm one of these stories.

I stayed up way too late, tossed and turned and had visions of babies dancing in my head. I was scared and sort of freaked out but part of me, and I don't think it was that little of a part, was kind of excited. So I got up this morning, went straight to Safeway and purchased the error proof test.

I didn't even make coffee because I thought, well, if I am pregnant I'm going to have to give up caffeine. Nevermind the massive amounts of alcohol I consumed all weekend. What can I say, I thought I had pregnant brain. Already using it as an excuse.

Moving on.

I came home and put some eggs on to boil. I peed. I looked. I wasn't pregnant.

And it's fine, I'm glad I'm not pregnant because I wasn't planning on that yet and I would have been freaking out about my alcohol consumption and my arthritis medication and a host of other things, so it's good, but part of me, part of me was really sad too.

So now what? Does that mean that I'm more ready than I thought? Am I really just hormonal and on some kind of period that really isn't a period and that's why I'm bloated and my boobs hurt? I don't know. I am going to think about it and process it all and try to understand what I'm feeling. I think it's important to try to take a step back and observe my reactions and figure out what they mean. I'm certainly not rushing to make an appointment to get the goalie removed. But I'm not so scared anymore. My husband and I will make this decision together and whatever and whenever we decide, it'll be fine.

In the meantime, I need to get my shit together and stop letting things slide on the weekends. I need to cut way back on my alcohol intake. I'm not in college anymore and this is getting ridiculous. Being healthy is important to me and I need to make it a priority. Right now today.

Saving Money

2009-02-03T09:16:00.003-07:00

So I was watching Oprah today and she had the alleged "thriftiest family in America" on. This family was insane - they were saving money at every turn, only using one cell phone for emergencies, cutting each other's hair, eating at only restaurants where the kids eat free, etc. And then another woman, the "coupon mom," bought $127 worth of groceries, and got $88 off from coupons and ended up spending only $39 for a week's worth of food for her entire family. She said she plans her entire week's worth of of meals based on what's on sale at that store. That week they had a whole chicken and free carrots.

So here's the deal, I'm all for saving, and this is something I've been trying to do since we got back from Singapore. I've been using coupons where I see them, buying things on sale, that sort of thing. Here's my question though, and I know it's not a new question, but how do you reconcile eating healthy with saving money?

For me, it's important to buy organic dairy and meat, and buy local if I can. I also like to buy organic produce whenever possible, although I'm not very militant about it. I feel those things are important to mine and my husband's health, and I guess I'm willing to pay a little bit extra for that. I also try to buy things with a low number of ingredients, no high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, those kinds of things. And I think we all know that sadly, the cheapest foods are often the ones with ingredients you can hardly pronounce and little to no nutritional value. Can we say Twinkies?

So how does this work? How do I save money, yet still buy quality foods that will help me stay healthy? Americans spend less than ten percent of their income on food, while Europeans spend almost 30 percent. What's up with that? What are we spending our money on? What am I spending my money on? Makeup? Snowboarding? The gym? Cable Internet and HBO and clothes? I'm trying to save where I can, but I'm not going to skimp on quality food. And I love Big Love and Flight of the Conchords way too much to get rid of HBO. ;) So what's a girl to do?

Monday Blah

2009-02-02T09:05:00.003-07:00

STILL can't figure it out. This weekend was worse than ever. I think it's my surroundings. And maybe even my friends. It's my lack of structure. It's the overwhelming amount of choices. It's the stupid Super Bowl and the peanut butter cookies and the wine, oh the wine, and the tortilla chips and and and...

Okay, that's bullshit. It's all these things, but mostly it's just me. I make the decisions about what goes in my mouth and what doesn't. I am the one. And if I don't make good choices, I don't lose. It's as simple as that.

I look at what I wrote last Friday, and I'm completely clear about my problems and what I need to do in order to get this weight off. The problem is turning those thoughts, these words on a page, into action. Action. Each freaking meal. Each day. One meal at a time. All of those things I know, I just need to do.

I'm going back to South Beach pretty strict this week. I just need to see some success, and I know that works for me. I won't be doing Phase One again, but I will only have whole grain carbs one meal per day and fruit one meal per day. I'm also going to try to avoid alcohol for at least this week, if not more. Surely I should be able to do that. I think if I can get the scale moving in the right direction again, maybe I'll find that happy motivated good place I so desperately need right now.

February is here. The year is moving on. And I won't let it be just another up and down year. That is not going to happen. Not again.

Tracking

2009-01-30T10:00:00.002-07:00

Oh man. Yesterday I kind of lost it. I went out for dinner with a girlfriend and she wanted to order chips and salsa. So we did. And of course I just totally overdid it. And once I did that I guess I was kind of like, oh well, my day's ruined, why not just make it worse? We did split a salad for our actual dinner, but I also had two beers, and then of course dug into the ice cream and dove squares when I got home.

Sigh.

Two steps forward, one step back. It's a roller coaster this thing. I know it's one I will never ever get off of either. Just the other day I was entering my food intake into SparkPeople, and the boy was watching and he asked how many years of tracking my food intake, weight, workouts, I have. Well, I've been tracking my weight on a weekly basis in an Excel spreadsheet since 2004. But I've been using SparkPeople sporadically since 2006, and it is crazy to me that I can go back and pick a random day, say September 5, 2006, and know I had oatmeal for breakfast, a salad for lunch, a luna bar, and some kind of egg and cheese tortilla concoction for dinner. I ate 1348 calories. That is insane. Don't get me wrong, in a way it's cool to have all of this information, but in a way I'm wondering - where has all of this gotten me?

At that time in my life, I weighed .6 lbs more than I do now. It was about a month before my wedding and I was at one of my lowest adult weights. In the past 2+ years, I've re-gained, and then re-lost, more than 20 lbs. But I know I can go back and look at the big stretches where this is no information, where I wasn't tracking, and see that that is when I was gaining.

Tracking works for me. It's a pain in the ass and sometimes I think I'm crazy for dealing with all of this information all the time, but I know it works. When I can see that I've already eaten X amount of calories and I need to keep dinner on the smaller side, that is a good thing. I think in a way, I'll probably always track calories. I like seeing the data right there in front of me, and knowing how it correlates to my weight.

Anyway, today is a new day, and I'm going to do the best I can. Right now that means heading to the gym to burn off some of those tortilla chips. Not sure what's on tap for tonight, but tomorrow will be an early day so we can make it to Breck before the lines get too long. Wish me luck with my apres-ski eating challenges!

2009-01-28T11:13:00.002-07:00

Holy kickboxing! I love that class. Remind me why I haven't been going every week? Oh because I'm too lazy to get out of bed that early? Well no more. I am making a commitment to going every Wednesday. It is incredible. I am totally uncoordinated and just flail about most of the time but still, I love it. And I think I have a little girl crush on the instructor.

So where the eff was Jillian on BL last night? It felt like she was barely in the episode, and honestly she is the whole reason I watch that show. I like seeing the workouts, the yelling and the screaming. The challenges and the hour-long weigh-ins don't really do it for me. I think they are stretching out the show to be way too long. Come on NBC, don't you have any other programming? I want more info about what they eat, what their workouts are really like, and I want more Jillian. Isn't Alison Sweeney an adorable pregnant person though? Somehow I don't think I'm going to be that adorable when I'm pregnant.

Today it is finally warming up, which of course means all the snow is melting and there is dirty slush everywhere. I guess the mountains are getting dumped on, which means snowboarding this weekend though! I'm stoked to go, we've barely been up at all this year because of our traveling, but I finally got a helmet and I think that is going to lead to a lot more confidence on my snowboard. Maybe I'll venture on to some more blacks this year. We'll see.

Still no news on the job front, not one freaking call. I'm giving it until the end of February and then I'm going to start exploring other options. Coffee shop? Retail? The idea of doing retail makes me want to poke my eyes out with a stick, so hopefully someone calls me soon. I guess in the meantime I'll keep doing the housewife thing. ;)

I'm trying to stay on the South Beach wagon this week, so lunch will be leftover vegetarian chili (recipe from the book, made it for dinner last night) and dinner is out with the girls so I'll probably just order a salad. Oh yeah and I weighed in today, down 1.2 from last week. Still up about 2 lbs from my lowest, but I'm breaking through in February. It's happening baby!

Catch Up

2009-01-27T09:30:00.002-07:00

Hi. I'm still sucking at blogging. I also had a very personal moment and realized there are some people out there, in real life people, reading this, and I'm not sure if I like that. I know I am out there in this public forum doing this on the giant big Internet, but I don't know, it still feels anonymous. And mostly I like that. I went private for a minute, but I'm back now. We'll see how long it lasts.

Anyway, things are okay. I haven't found a job. I haven't even gotten any call backs, which is insane to me. I don't know if I am just over-confident or what, but I feel like anybody who sees my resume should immediately want to call me. I mean I'm a bad-ass right? Yet, it's crickets. There could be a lot of reasons for this, of course the shitty economy being one, and the fact that I have this giant blank spot on my resume from living in Singapore, but I still feel like I should be getting calls. I need something to help me feel successful, and I feel like my career has always been one of those things. And I don't have that right now.

It's okay though, I still sort of like being on my own every day and just being able to hit the gym whenever I want. Yesterday, even though it was snowing and single digit temps, I ventured out and hit the treadmill for an amazing workout. Ever since we got back from Singapore, I've had some trouble running because my body is taking FOREVER to adjust to being back at altitude. I've never had this problem before because I've lived here most of my life, so it has been a drag. But yesterday, I felt great. I hopped on the treadmill, started running, and didn't stop for 40 minutes. And I ran the whole time! No walk breaks. It felt amazing. My lungs felt great. My legs felt great. I spent the last 20 walking at an incline, and when I was finished I was so pumped. Runner's high is real.

My main problem right now is social interaction and the fact that a lot of my social life revolves around drinking. There are so many people I still have to catch up with now that I'm back, and inevitably that involves happy hour or wine and cheese or something like that. It's not binging, but alcohol calories add up fast and they lead to me not reaching my goals. This is a constant struggle and I don't think I've figured out how to handle it yet. Just this week, I've got happy hours today (Tuesday), Wednesday, and Friday. Tonight I'm just going to get an Iced Tea and take the ribbing I'm sure to get. I'm thinking about ducking out of tomorrow's thing. But canceling social plans and hibernating, while it sounds nice, isn't always going to be an option. I have to figure this out somehow.

On that note, I am going to head out to walk the dog and then go lift some weights. There are so many things I want to talk about, including Biggest Loser, DietTribe, life at the gym, my family's weight loss efforts, and jeans shopping, but it seems like every time I come here all I'm doing is playing catch up. Hopefully this will serve as a reminder for next time.

The Jobless Wonder

2009-01-15T09:29:00.003-07:00

I am trying really hard to get back in the blogging groove. Why is this hard for me? I like reading. I like writing. It's not like I don't have the time right now. So it's morning and I'm going to try a morning-time post.

Remember how I was all "oh pilates, that class was crap, etc. etc. complain complain."? Well yeah, my abs are ridiculously sore today. So I guess even though I hated the class, at least I got some good ab work in. Enough that it made turning over in bed last night quite a process.

This morning I'm doing my usual no-job routine, which is to say get up, check email, blogs, twitter, etc. and see if there are any new job postings. There aren't. Make some hard-boiled eggs and coffee for breakfast. Give the dogger a little bit of leftover egg. Realize that probably wasn't a good idea in terms of the assault on my nose. Blog (this one is new). Take the dog on a walk, come back, go to the gym. Home, shower, more Internet and lunch and then figure out how to spend the afternoon. Usually it's some combination of cleaning/washing something and then some errand outing.

Ugh. Looking at it written out it looks so pathetic. I think I need a job. My brain is melting. I miss having interaction with people. I miss getting creative. But the economy is what it is, and I will find a job if I can and in the meantime, I will try to do things I love and enjoy this time. I will read more books. Lots of books. I will figure out what to do with my travel blog. And I will go see Twilight (tonight!) because I still haven't seen it.

I weighed myself again this morning and I'm still up. The gain does not seem to be going away. I'm resolved to have a low calorie day today. Which means no chocolate. I can do one day with no chocolate for crying out loud. The movie will be hard, but I will survive.

I guess since I'm sooooo busy I better get moving. Have a good day everyone.

Lots of things

2009-01-14T16:29:00.003-07:00

Okay I think I've talked myself off of the ledge with the baby thing. I know I don't need to have a baby right this minute. If I want to work on myself for a while longer, be selfish and enjoy this time with my husband, that's okay. I've accepted that. Life is what you make it. And while I'm still thinking about starting a family pretty soon, I know whatever decision I ultimately make, this isn't the only thing that defines me.

As far as the whole diet realm goes, I've been struggling a bit. I got back on the south beach bandwagon right after the new year, but it has definitely been harder sticking to it now that I'm faced with so many more temptations. This weekend I sort of lost my mind and had a crazy ridiculous day that included ordering pizza and Dairy Queen (WTF???). Anyway, this, along with numerous other indiscretions, led to a 1.8 lb gain this week. Boo. I totally deserve it, but it sucks. Once again I find myself wavering just over that 170 lb barrier.

I don't know why but I just cannot seem to get past that number. It is driving me up the mother effing wall. It's like I get to this comfortable place, where I'm cozy and feeling on the thinner side and then all of the sudden I just hit a wall. And I gain. I realize I even talked about this in my last post, and then what did I go and do this week? I gained. Of course.

I have got to figure out some way to turn this around. I know what to do. But man it is hard. And this week is going to be a major test, because we are heading to Vegas for the weekend. Oh Vegas. Booze and food and no sleep. I'm going to try to combat those issues though and bring some healthy snacks, really watch my alcohol intake and stick to ordering the healthy basics I know will help get me toward my goals.

In other news, I joined the big chain gym by my house, which is completely too crowded, but way less expensive than the gym I belonged to before I left for Singapore. I tried a pilates class this morning and absolutely hated it. I hated the instructor, all the people in there, everything about it. There was no direction on form, no fundamentals. We just flew through the exercises without a second thought. It sucked. If I hadn't had the basics of pilates down I would have had no clue what I was doing. And I probably would have injured myself. That is not good. I was really annoyed when the class was over, so I hopped on the elliptical and did 40 minutes to blow off some steam. It ended up being an okay workout, but it still annoys me that they have crap classes like that at the gym. I did like kickboxing last week, so maybe I'll try that again next week.

Tonight I'm making a delicious recipe that I found on Kalyn's Kitchen. It's baked chicken stuffed with sun-dried tomato pesto, basil and goat cheese. OMG this stuff is the bomb-diggity. I am on a big goat cheese kick now that I have access to it. I can hardly get enough. I'll probably pair this with a spinach salad (yes, with some goat cheese). On that note, I better get cooking!

Confusion

2009-01-09T15:23:00.004-07:00

Hi. I'm back from Singapore. I've been back for a while but I haven't been blogging. I know I need to get back to it though. I need to have something to keep me accountable. I just feel a little lost right now. I don't know what to think.

Food and exercise are probably the only things that I can control in my life right now, but honestly I feel like even with those I'm hanging on by a thread. Japan was amazing, but it was really hard on me emotionally to not spend Christmas and my birthday (two days after Christmas) with my family. And then on the 28th, when our plane finally pulled up to the gate in Denver and we were home, I was so happy. So happy to see my friends and my family and my dogger. But I think the initial high has worn off and now I'm starting to worry about my future. I've always been a worrier but now it's getting really bad.

We came home to a whirlwind of activity. New Year's eve parties, belated Christmas and birthday celebrations with both my family and the boy's family, a couple of days in the mountains snowboarding with friends. We ate so much and drank so much and got so little sleep that by the end of last week, we were both pretty much running on empty. The jet lag caught up with us big time and we were cranky and just wanting to settle into a routine. That routine started on Monday with the boy going into the office and me doing... well, doing nothing.

This is the problem. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm back on track with food and exercise. I was so excited to go to an American grocery store and get all of the food products I've been missing. But other than that, I don't know what I'm doing. I've been thinking about going back to work. I updated my resume and started looking. But as you know, this is pretty much the worst possible time to be doing that. My prospects don't look good. And I don't even know if I want to go back to my current career. I wasn't that happy with it before I got laid off last year. But I also don't want to let all my aspirations go down the toilet. I don't want to become just someone's wife. Or just someone's mom. I'm more than that. Not that being a full-time mom isn't amazing, because I know it is. Please don't think I'm insulting anyone here. I'm just scared for me. Scared that I'll forget something about myself. That I won't know who I am anymore.

Everyone says I should get pregnant. I'm 29. Tons of my friends are getting pregnant or have just had babies. The boy and I have talked about it and made a tentative plan to start trying later this year. But I'm scared. I want to have a baby. I think. I'm not sure. I mean I do, I want kids. But I don't know. It's scary. I think I could be ready. But I don't know if I'm ever going to have that magic moment where my ovaries start thumping and I just have to have one NOW. Do people have that?

The other problem is my arthritis. My doc wants to put me on all these drugs. I'm worried about side effects. Especially if I do decide to get pregnant. I will go off of them before I start trying but still. Long term it just scares me to be on hardcore drugs. But I'm scared if I don't take them I will do long-term damage to my joints. I'm so confused.

And this is the big secret, the one I haven't told anyone yet, because it seems so superficial and disgusting. I really wanted to be thin before I got pregnant. I wanted some time to enjoy it. I have tried so many effing diets. I have lost and gained so much weight over the years. 2008 was the first year I can remember where I actually lost weight and didn't regain any of it over the year. I started in January at 194 lbs. On Dec. 31 I weighed in at 174.4. And as of this past Wednesday I was back down to 170.8, which is after a couple of days being back on track and losing all of the water weight and carb bloat that I probably had. This is basically the same weight I was around the time of my wedding in October of 2006, and pretty much the lowest weight of my adult life. But unlike that time around my wedding, I don't plan on gaining it all back. Well I guess I didn't plan on it then, but I did.

It's the start of a new year and I feel confident I can lose more weight. My initial goal is 160. But I think I could hit 150. That's 20 more pounds. And I really think I can do it. I want to do it. I want to get out of this rut of losing and gaining the same 20-something pounds and staying stuck between 170 and 190. I swear to you I will shout it from the rooftops once I get into the 160's, because I haven't seen scale numbers like that since I can't even remember.

But yeah, what happens if I get pregnant? What happens to my awesome momentum and all that? What if I gain all my weight back and then some and then I can't get it off because of the baby?

But what if I wait too long to start trying, and then I have problems? What if I can't get pregnant and then all this waxing about my weight is fucking useless and I should have tried sooner? Am I being selfish? Yeah, I guess I am. And how can I be a good mom if I'm this fucking selfish? What kind of person am I anyway?

I feel like a self-absorbed asshole. I don't know what to think.

Off to the races

2008-12-17T20:23:00.003-07:00

Well it looks like all the goodbye brunches and lunches and dinners caught up with me this week - I gained a pound. I'm okay with it, I definitely deserve it. And in the grand scheme of things, I enjoyed myself, got to drink one last glass of wine with some amazing friends I've met here in Singapore, and I don't regret it at all.

Things have been crazy the past couple of days. Since we'll be in Japan for nine days before we head back to the States, we're trying to figure out what gets packed away, what comes to Japan, etc. It's a process and I am a terrible packer, so I hate it. When we were packing to move to Singapore my sister basically came over and took control because I was pretty much a blithering idiot. Same situation here, but unfortunately no sister to help. One thing I'm nervous about is our lack of warm clothing for Japan. We both have jeans and a couple of sweatshirts, long sleeves, so we should be fine, but we didn't bring any coats or anything like that. Hopefully it'll just stay cool, but not freezing. I hear when we get back to Denver it's going to be a totally different story though. Luckily all are warm clothes are snug inside our little house there.

Today is our last day in Singapore. I'm about to go hit the gym for a good workout, then spend the afternoon finishing packing and trying to get the boy to get his shit together. Tonight we'll go have one last local meal, beers with friends, and then tomorrow we're off to Japan. I'm looking forward to lots of sushi, Harajuku girls and hopefully purchasing some cool electronics. I probably won't post until I get back to the States, so happy holidays to everyone. Enjoy the season and don't forget to take care of YOU!

Food, Singapore Style

2008-12-15T01:10:00.009-07:00

Food porn alert. I had the most fabulous brunch this weekend. Total food and booze coma overload. It was insane. I am not guilty, as this was a very very special occasion and I will probably never have the opportunity to do it again.

We're coming up on our last days here in Singapore, so to celebrate Christmas/say goodbye to some of our good friends, we went out for one of Singapore's infamous Sunday brunches yesterday. These things are insane. All over Singapore fancy hotels and even just normal restaurants host extravagant brunches with free-flowing champagne and gobs of food. We've been wanting to go to one since we've gotten here, but the occasion just never presented itself. We like to go out for weekend breakfasts, but usually not for anything this fancy.

Anyway, on to the meal. I got up and tried to hit the gym before we went, but of course I didn't leave myself very much time and when I got there both treadmills were occupied. I ended up doing some weights and some elliptical, but I didn't get to burn the calories I was hoping for with a good sweaty run. Did get that in today though so it's all good.

I was hungry by the time we arrived, but not starving, which was good. Once I saw all the food though, I knew I was in trouble. So much to choose from means I want a bite of everything, which means I end up rolling myself home. I started with some yummy sushi and a heap of vegetables so I could feel like I started my day off right with protein and veggies. Here's a shot of the sushi table.

After my sushi/veggie plate I hit the egg station to get a vegetarian eggs benedict. This ended up being the only part of the meal I was really disappointed with - my egg was pretty much hard-boiled instead of soft and runny like it should be with eggs benny, so I didn't end up eating very much of that.

Finally, I was off to hit the desserts, which I could hardly hold myself back from. I only got this shot of the chocolates but I must tell you, there was so much much more. A chocolate fountain. About ten kinds of cake. Berries flambe. Five different kinds of ice cream. I was in paradise. Sugar addiction, I thought I'd gotten rid of you. Yeah, not so much.

All in all, I think I did okay. I took mainly tiny pieces of all the food I ate and I definitely ate more than I normally do, but not to the point of illness. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for my husband. Poor boy was not a happy camper after our meal and promptly fell asleep on the couch as soon as we got home. I was able to rouse him later in the afternoon, so it was all good.

We ended up going down to Merlion Park to see the big Merlion (Singapore's national animal? or mascot?). Something. Anyway Singapore is the Lion City of course, but the mere part of it represents its origins as a simple fishing village. It was a fun touristy thing to do and I'm glad we did it before we leave.

Tonight we have to go out to dinner with the boy's boss, and I'm sort of nervous about it because we're going to a famous local place that serves lots of crazy local specialties like chili crab. We've never been because they serve shark's fin soup, and I make it a rule not to go to places that serve it, but this dinner is sort of out of the boy's hands and I pretty much have to go, so we'll see how it goes. I assume I'll end up with some sort of shrimp dish.

Only four more days left in Singapore. I can't believe it!

ETA: On the mouse front - All of the mice were caught, and humanely, and the hole has been filled! I will hopefully come home to a mouse-free house later this month.

Eek! A Mouse!

2008-12-11T02:16:00.011-07:00

So, apparently mice have invaded my home. In Denver, that home. I guess it is cold now, mice want somewhere warm to go, and since my doggie is no longer living there, they decided my house would be a good place to go. This is stressing me out, even from thousands of miles away.

My girlfriend, who is living there while we are gone, is of course not happy. She has caught three of them in a humane trap (oh how I love the Internet) and set them free at a park a couple of miles away, but one looked like a baby and she thinks there might be more. Yuck. I'm sure they are cute little guys and I certainly don't want to poison them, but I hate the idea of little mice running around my beautiful little house. And I hate that I'm so far away there is virtually nothing I can do. Ugh.

In other news, let's see. Things are fine here, if boring. It is amazing how I occupy my time, even without a job. That said, the only person I've actually spoken to all day is the girl behind the counter at Starbucks. Wow, that is sad. I enjoy the alone time though, it gives me a chance to think. I know I'll miss it when we're back home.

I am working on a slide show of all of our pictures from our travels since we've been in Singapore. We've been to Bintan, Indonesia, Bali, Cambodia, Thailand, and will add Japan to that list before we go home. I'm making it in iDVD, which is a very cool program. Figure it will be a nice gift for our parents, etc. It feels a little narcissistic but I guess that's never been a problem for me given all the blog writing and what not. I've noticed I haven't written in my travel blog as much since I started writing here again. I guess I just can't get the juices flowing for both at the same time.

Tonight I'm on my own because the boy has going-away drinks with his coworkers, so I'm making myself another omelet with laughing cow and spinach. I'm on an omelet kick right now. I need to keep it healthy and under control while I can, because this weekend is going to be a challenge.

Tomorrow we're having going away drinks with friends from our building and then out to dinner, which I'm sure will be a calorie minefield. Saturday is the BBQ with the boy's coworkers and their families, who knows what we'll have there. Local food I'm sure. Then Sunday we're going to a fancy bon voyage brunch with our Thanksgiving buddies. What does this mean? Lots and lots of food. And booze. Hopefully I can offset any damage with some good workouts and actually being mindful about my eating. I'm all about approaching these things with intention right now. :)

Here's a pic of the last spinach omelet I made. Doesn't look that appetizing, I know, but it is. And yes, I realize I suck at the food photography thing. Sorry.

Weigh In

2008-12-09T18:59:00.004-07:00

Weigh in results today: down .6 lbs. Boo. That is not very much. I know I know, moving in the right direction and all of that lovely nonsense, but really? Really? Just .6. After all of that worrying about being tired and wondering if my calories were too low. Hrmph.

Oh well. Such is life and I will keep going. I guess I can't have stellar results every single week. I can tell you that I am so looking forward to getting back to the States and having some more healthy options in terms of eating out. I know that might sound funny to some of you, given the U.S. is known for all of its frighteningly unhealthy restaurants and fast food joints, where it's no problem to sit down to consume an entire day's worth of calories in one sitting.

Well yes, we do have all of the crap. But where I'm from in Colorado, we also have lots of healthy, fast casual options. One of my favorite lunch spots is a little build-your-own salad place, and I know for a fact that everything I am getting there is wholesome and nutritious. Not to mention yummy.

Even Chipotle, which I am missing like crazy, allows me to get a bowl with good beans, veggies, etc. Here it's just not that easy. Salad just isn't very common, and when you do find places that serve Western food, it's often a poor imitation.

Take yesterday for instance. I mentioned I was having lunch with a girlfriend. When I got down to her office building, she suggested three places. One had pizza, one had American style diner food (think greasy french fries and burgers with kangaroo meat, although they'd never tell you that) and one was an Irish place that had sandwiches and salads. Of course there was also a sea of local food, greasy noodles and rice dishes dishes, which I do enjoy from time to time, don't get me wrong, but yesterday wasn't the day.

Anyway, I chose the Irish place. I figured the best approximation of western food was probably the pizza place, but I thought I might be able to find something a bit healthier on the Irish menu because I spied a salad on an advertisement in the front.

And there was a salad option. Yes, it was a Caesar, but hey, that's okay. A little Caesar dressing isn't going to kill me. I ordered it with no bacon, add chicken, and hold the croutons. And on the side I ordered a cup of mushroom soup. Sounds good, no?

It wasn't. It was gross. The chicken was thigh (breast is relatively rare in most places, and I should have known) so it was chewy and just not to my liking. The dressing was okay, so I mostly at the romaine leaves and picked around the chicken. The soup tastes like dirt, literally. Like they picked some dirty mushrooms off the ground, didn't wash them, and stuck them in a blender. I had about 2 bites. Gross. And to top it all off, this meal cost me like 17 Singapore dollars (around 11 US).

I was not impressed. And the thing is, this happens all the time. It is just really hard to find a cheap, fast, but healthy meal. It's like that old triangle goes. You can have cheap and fast, but not healthy. You can have healthy and fast, but not cheap. Although that's debatable too. Healthy and cheap, but not fast? I doubt it. Anyway, this is why I mostly stick to eating at home for lunches.

When you move to a new country it does take some adapting, and of course food has been one of the hardest things. There are things I've learned to absolutely love, like dim sum. But for the most part, it makes me realize how set in my ways I am when it comes to food and how lucky I am to have a shining beacon of health and wellness like Whole Foods so close. I honestly think as our move home date approaches, I'm just getting more anxious about things like this and I'm ready to have the comforts of home back, like RIGHT NOW. Not in three weeks or whatever it is. I probably need to just chill and enjoy Singapore's quirky food while I can, because next thing you know I'll be complaining about all the crap in the US. :) I am looking forward to eating lots of yummy healthy sushi when we go to Japan for Christmas though.

On today's agenda, a LONG workout, laundry, and beginning to sift through all the crap we have accumulated here so I can figure out how we are going to get everything home. Hope everyone is having a nice week. :)

Weekend wrap up

2008-12-08T19:11:00.004-07:00

This weekend was good, we had lots of fun and got in some essential Singapore tourist opps before we leave in a couple of weeks. One was the night safari, which is pretty freaky. I'm not a big zoo person because I tend to get sad about seeing the animals in captivity. I felt the same way during this trip, but it's a bit different because you ride this tram around this open area and all the animals are kind of free to move around. There are natural barriers and what not, but it's still sort of scary to see them up close and personal like that. Let me tell you a rhino is a scary thing. And then there are the hippos. Wow. Apparently hippos kill more people in Africa than any other animal. I did not want to die at the hands (or mouth) of a hippo so I cowered inside the tram like a big baby the whole time.

At the night safari we were supposed to have dinner, but our schedule ended up getting all messed up and we weren't going to be able to eat until like 9:30, and then it was at a burger joint, so I secretly ate a Think Thin bar. I felt kind of silly sneaking it, but I was hungry and didn't want to scarf down a bunch of crap later just because I had missed dinner. I ended up not really eating anything once we got to the burger place, but only because the bar filled me up and my only options were burgers and of course I don't do red meat. So I ended up picking at a few of the boy's fries, but besides that I was satisfied and happy I had planned in advance.

Friday and Saturday I did have higher calorie days, mostly because we went out for dinner both nights and I ended up with a few adult beverages and just generally ate a bit more. I was happy with my choices though and think I did a good job. I think I'm really just going to have to play with my calories a bit to see what really works for me and what doesn't. It seems like it's going to be a lot of tinkering.

Eating out is what really gets me, it always has. It's just so hard to make a good decision when confronted with so many options. I'm extremely nervous about this when we get home, but also over the next couple of weeks. We've got lots of goodbye lunches and dinners and what not scheduled so I'm going to have to be very aware of what I'm doing. In fact, I need to go get ready for a goodbye lunch right now. I am meeting a girlfriend down by the river. I don't know where we're going, but she's American too and we tend to like similar things, so hopefully she'll choose something good. Tomorrow's my weigh-in day, and I'm hoping it goes well. Fingers crossed.

Zzzzzzz........

2008-12-05T01:49:00.004-07:00

I am tired. I am losing weight and I am tired. I know this has happened to me before when I've been losing. I can't remember where or when but I know it's happened. I'm working out a lot. I'm keeping my calories low. Not too low, I'm eating, oh I'm definitely eating, but still. Low.

And I think that's making me tired. I took the day off from working out yesterday to try and recover a bit, and I do think it helped, but I'm still tired. Part of me thinks this is normal and just part of the process, my body is getting used to a lower amount of calories and its having to work hard to process all that fat that is dropping down the toilet (or that's where I imagine my fat going when I'm losing it, sorry if that's TMI). But part of me, and I think it's the wild child devil on my shoulder part, is saying, "oh, this is a sign. up your calories. have some ice cream. have some pie. dive face first right into that mac and cheese sitting in the cupboard." My wild child doesn't use capitalization.

I'm not overly hungry. I'm not depriving myself. I'm eating enough. But I just feel worn out. I want to keep this momentum but it's hard to know how to manage this tiredness. Losing weight is just not something your body wants to do. It kicks and screams and wants to hold on to every last drop of fat. It pounds its fists on the floor.

I think I'm going to trick my body tomorrow and see if that helps. I'm going to have a higher calorie day tomorrow - just ONE day. And it's not going to be all booze either. ;) I'm just going to ramp it up for one day and then go right back to what I'm doing, because I know what I'm doing is working. And if I still feel tired, well then maybe it's something else and I'll have something else to worry and fret over.

In the meantime, I'm just going to go close my eyes for a bit...

Klutz-o-rama

2008-12-03T02:31:00.004-07:00

Weigh in day - down 1.8 lbs! Woot! I'm happy, really happy given the extravagance of Saturday night. Looking back, one high calorie day isn't so bad. In fact I think it's a good thing to switch it up now and then. Whatever I'm doing, it's working so it is ALL GOOD. No excuses for another crazy night, but I'm just sayin'.

Today I am a klutz for some reason. This morning I mixed up some Fage Greek yogurt with some frozen blueberries. It turned into this beautiful shining blue bowl of healthy goodness. And as I sat on the couch, distractedly trying to read the Interwebs and eat at the same time, I dumped it all over floor. Blue goo all over the carpet. Yes the housekeeping staff of this lovely service apartment does not love me. I ended up with some hard-boiled eggs. Can't make too much of a mess with those.

Workout was awesome today. I didn't feel like going, but I went and did a weight circuit, arms, legs, the whole bit, with two minute jogs here and there thrown in to keep the heart rate up. I also downloaded this podcast and added it on the end of my workout. Jillian Michaels I'm obsessed with you. You are a goddess. Major girl crush on Jillian. Don't tell my husband. Luckily when I almost fell on my face during the plank pose there wasn't anyone else in the gym.

This afternoon, same thing happened as this morning, only this time with my celery and peanut butter snack. I just cannot keep my food on the plate. Or in my mouth. Maybe I should stop trying to multi-task and just focus on eating my food when I'm eating my food. Duh.

Tonight I'm making a Mexican fiesta. Boy will have burrito(s) and I will have a taco salad. No shell of course. Delish. Let's hope I can get through dinner without ruining the rug.

Boredom

2008-12-02T04:05:00.003-07:00

Boring. I feel like I have been eating the same foods over and over and I am getting bored.

Isn't this the classic weight loss issue? You find something that works, something you maybe even like, and you eat it. A lot. You overdo it. Then you get sick of it or you get bored with it and you go off of your plan because you want something different and then you run into trouble.

This is how it always happens with me. And usually, when I'm in my weight loss mode, I overcompensate for this boredom by spending entirely too much time online, scouring the web for recipes. That way I can find new favorites and go-to's.

It hasn't been so easy to do this in Singapore. Why? Because we live in a tiny service apartment. It's furnished, with dishes and pots and pans, but in a very sparse way. I have four plates. Four bowls. Four forks, knives, spoons. One big pot. One small pot. One big frying pan. I have a stove top with four burners. I have a refrigerator the size of a greeting card. And I have a microwave.

I don't have an oven. I didn't have a cheese grater until I specially requested one. My knives are pathetically un-sharp. I don't have a blender or a food processor. I definitely don't have a dishwasher. Not to mention the fact that finding my preferred ingredients, not always so easy.

It really hasn't been that bad. I've been making lots of soups and chili and salads. I can scramble and sauté with the best of 'em. I can microwave the hell out of anything you can throw at me.

I've been managing, but I'm definitely ready to get back to my kitchen. I want options. I want to make baked sweet potato fries. I want to have a smoothie for breakfast. I want to pulverize some veggies and make fresh salsa. I want to dive headfirst into Cooking Light and see what I can come up with.

For now, I'll stick to my tuna salads for lunch. My veggie chili for dinner. All of my healthy basics. And yeah, I'm probably going to have to go get my fill of some very unhealthy Singaporean food that I won't be able to have for a long time. I'm going to keep it in check though and hopefully, leave this country quite a bit lighter than I was when I entered it.

New day

2008-11-30T22:12:00.004-07:00

Okay so I'm over it. Over beating myself up. Moving on. It's a new day, new month, new everything. Done-zo.

Yesterday I lazed on the couch all day and watched a ton of episodes of Lipstick Jungle online. We hardly get any current TV shows over here, they're all last seasons reruns, but I choose to watch this show online? I will never understand myself. Somehow I'm hooked on it though. I don't know.

This morning I got up and had breakfast with a friend, just eggs and a piece of wheat toast. I then went straight to the gym and did a weight circuit followed by 30 minutes on the elliptical. I'm still not feeling great physically, probably because I slept like crap again last night, so I may take a nap this afternoon and see if that helps. I can't believe I'm so old that I have two day hangovers. That is just sad.

Our Thanksgiving hosts did send us home with some turkey, stuffing, and about half of a pie, but thank goodness today none of it even sounds good. I may have some of the turkey in a salad for dinner but we'll see. No pie though. I need to go the store and get food for the week but I'm just not motivated at all. Waaaahhh waaahhhh wahhhh. Wow I'm a serious Debbie downer today. Maybe I'm not over it after all. These things take time I guess.

I can't believe it, but we are actually leaving Singapore in 19 days. The time has gone by so fast. We are leaving on the 19th and spending Christmas in Japan, then we head back to the States on the 28th. Have I mentioned that here? I can't remember. While I'm super excited to get back to my family and friends, I just can't believe I'm leaving here already. I have to make the most of my time here. And I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to get all my crap back into the two suitcases I brought over here. Not gonna stress about it now though. Now it's naptime.

Gross

2008-11-29T22:15:00.005-07:00

I'm hungover and feeling guilty. I ate too much yesterday. It feels shitty. It's amazing how one day of overeating and drinking can change your whole outlook. I was feeling so great. But now the guilt it setting in. So instead of dwelling on it, I'm just going to get it off my chest here and try to go back to being successful.

The good news is, we had a great time yesterday celebrating our American Thanksgiving in Singapore. I started off the day well with a great hour-long treadmill workout and burned about 600 calories. Then we went to some friends apartment and had almost all of the traditional dishes. Turkey, stuffing, an asparagus casserole (which was new to me but quite delicious). I brought a salad so I would be sure to have at least one healthy dish. I did great to start, took only a little bit of each item, didn't overeat, but I allowed myself a treat piece of pie.

So far so good right? Well that's when the drinking started. Wine with dinner. Then vodka. And more vodka. We ended up going out to karaoke. It was hilarious and really fun. But we were out until almost 1:30, and having eaten at around 5, I was starving again. Couple that with a McDisgusto around the corner from my apartment and you have a recipe for disaster.

Let me preface this my saying I never eat McD's. I am morally against it. I think the food is gross. But sometimes my head just doesn't work properly. It's like I was on auto-pilot last night. Last night I succumbed to my french fry craving and also had a Big Mac with no meat. Talk about carbs. I probably spiked the hell out of my blood sugar and then promptly went to bed. Yuck.

So yeah, it feels shitty. I tracked all my calories in Spark People and it is not pretty. About 2500 for the day and who knows if I remembered everything. I am really glad I got that workout in. I'm glad we had a nice celebration with friends and had a good night out. I'm trying not to feel guilty. I don't want to let this throw me off track. So even though I'm feeling yucky and craving sugar today, I stuck to a turkey sandwich with lots of veggies for lunch. I am trying to chug water even though I don't want to. I'm going to make a healthy dinner.

I'm also trying to think about why I did this. I was on such a roll. I am on such a roll. I don't think I was sad and missing my family and trying to soothe myself with food. I think I was just drunk and falling back into old, bad habits. I gave myself permission to indulge a little yesterday, but I took advantage of that permission. I took advantage of myself. So next time I give myself permission to indulge, I'm just going to have to be that much more aware. This clearly is one battle that I'm never going to stop fighting.

I wasn't worried about Thanksgiving, I had planned to kick Thanksgiving's ass. And honestly I think I did kick it's ass for the most part. It was just the night out drinking that got me. I'm going to learn from this though. I'm going to remember this feeling and I'm going to move on.

Turkey Day Freakout

2008-11-26T02:24:00.004-07:00

Okay dudes. I'm getting the sense that people in the U.S. are starting to freak out about Thanksgiving. And honestly, that is one stress I'm kind of glad I don't have right now. Every year I look forward to the holidays with a mixture of anticipation and dread, but I just don't seem to have that this year.

I am sad I'm missing out on a traditional Thanksgiving in the U.S. I'm sad I don't get to spend time with my grandparents, who I know don't have tons of holidays left. I'm sad I won't get to roll my eyes in secret at my crazy aunt. I'm sad I won't get to eat my grandma's homemade rolls. I'm sad I won't get to hear the inappropriate comments that some older relatives are bound to make. I'm sad I won't get to get crazy playing board games and drinking too much wine.

So yeah, I'm definitely bummed that I'm missing out on all the good family time, and I'm sure it'll be even worse when Christmas rolls around. But I'm focusing on the positive things about being overseas this year, and one of the positive things is definitely a lack of stress and specifically a lack of stress about food.

The holidays are usually just a minefield for me. Every year, Every. Single. Year. I gain weight. I come up with strategies on what to do when faced with hard decisions or food pushers or this and that but it never fails. I gain weight.

This year though, I'm not even worried about it. I just don't have those pressures. I don't have an office filled with holiday goodies. I don't have parties and leftovers and family members that lead me to binge drink. I don't have those routines, those rituals that I have gone through every year that have led me to gain. They just aren't there.

Instead, I have different things. Different rituals to take part in. People in Singapore will barely notice it's Thanksgiving tomorrow, but the boy and I will go out to dinner and give thanks together. It won't be anything crazy though. It'll just be another nice dinner and I'll make a good choice because that's where my head is right now.

And then on Saturday afternoon, we've been invited to an American expat's house for a makeshift Thanksgiving celebration, but I'm not really worried about that either. I'm bringing a big salad and I'm sure I'll eat some turkey, but I'm going to keep it under control. I'm going to remember all of those little tips and tricks I go armed with every year and I'm actually going to use some of them this time. This year, Thanksgiving will not kick my ass. I will kick it's ass!

By the way, I weighed in today and I maintained. I'm pretty bummed about it because I feel like I've been on such a roll this week. I worked out six days and I ate great except for a little splurge on Saturday night, but it wasn't out of control. Last week was a big loss of 3.2 lbs, so maybe my body just wasn't ready to let go of any more weight this week. It sucks, but all I can do is keep trying. Meh.

Food Photo Experiment

2008-11-25T05:45:00.007-07:00

Picture time! But first, I gotta say, you bloggers who take pics of your food every day and then post, I so admire you. This was hard! Hard to remember, hard to take good photos, and kind of scary because of the judgement factor. I'm not sure if this is something I could do every day, but I think here and there it can definitely be a good thing. It was actually kind of fun.

So without further ado, on to the food. I woke up a little late this morning after a very fitful night's sleep. I don't know what it was but I was tossing and turning all night. It sucked. Maybe because I worked out later in the day than I normally do? I don't know. Anyway, I got up and wanted a little comfort so I made some steel-cut oats. I added a little canned pumpkin, cinnamon and walnuts to make it feel like fall, even though I'm boiling in the tropics. (I know poor little me right?)

After breakfast I went to the gym and did cardio. Today I did 20 minutes of intervals, alternating between sprinting and walking. Then I did a steady jog for 8 minutes. For the last half hour I did my walking routine, increasing the incline every 30 seconds. It was tough! I was sweating my ass off. I sweat so much here. I think it's the humidity. Even though I'm indoors, the sweat just pours off of me. What a delightful picture.

Lunch was last night's leftover chicken salad. Supposed to be on a bed of lettuce, but since I wasn't able to get lettuce yesterday I had to improvise on vegetables, thus the red pepper strips. It actually ended up pairing quite nicely. I ended up filling up so I didn't eat the bonbel, even though it's on the plate. The chicken salad is just shredded chicken, mayo, celery, walnuts and green grapes. Yum!

So this is where the whole picture-taking thing went downhill. I went for a coffee with a friend (got a nonfat cappuccino) and totally spaced the photo. Then I spent an hour making chili, but I sat and consumed it before I got a photo taken. I did take one of the leftovers going into the tupperware, but it certainly isn't very pretty.

This meal was topped with some cheddar cheese and a little light sour cream. Oh and of course some Cholula. Thank goodness we get Cholula in Singapore. I'm obsessed. After dinner I had some sugar free chocolate pudding with cool whip on top, but of course I forgot to photograph that too. Clearly I suck at this. Maybe with practice I can get better.

So that's it. That's my day. I entered all my food into SparkPeople and I consumed about 1400 calories. Right on target. If only I could do this every day. I probably should have gotten more vegetables in but I think I did fairly well overall.

It's time to call it a night here, but most of you are only waking up, so have a great day!

Monday at the Grocery Store

2008-11-24T02:45:00.007-07:00

Mondays. I've actually come to look forward to them a little bit since living in Singapore. I'm sure the ENTIRE reason for that is I don't have to get up and go to a job. Instead I look forward to the boy going back to work and having the place to myself again. Not that I don't love the weekends, don't get me wrong. I just love "me" time.

This morning I went and did a pretty big shop at the market. It doesn't look like a ton of stuff, but when you have to walk a good mile to the grocery and then carry everything back, you tend to get a little more conservative with what you buy. I took a shot so you could see what I ended up with.

It's funny, I think I shop so differently here, but I guess I end up with pretty much the same types of foods I would be eating if I were back in the U.S. There are definitely things I'm missing, but for the most part it's the same. Since Singapore is an island and it doesn't have it's own farming system or really much food production at all, pretty much the entire food supply, even the water, is imported. I live in an area where there are a lot of expats, mostly British, Australian and American, so most of the food in the market is imported from those regions. There's another market that really caters to the Japanese expats. Then of course there are the markets where the locals shop, which have lots of local foods and foods from Malaysia and China.

Today I got the basics for vegetarian chili, lots of peppers, beans, tomatoes and some light sour cream to go on top. I also got chicken, grapes and walnuts for chicken salad, yogurt, berries and bananas for breakfasts this week and a big bar of dark chocolate (you know I couldn't stay away). Oh yeah and of course the Kettle chips, which the boy specially requested today. I won't be eating those. They were out of mixed greens for salad, which I've noticed happens a lot on Mondays. Actually they tend to be out of a lot of things on Mondays. I think it's just a function of people doing their grocery shopping on the weekends. But in Singapore, if something is out of stock, sometimes it can take weeks to get more. There was a period of about 3 weeks that I was without Greek yogurt and I was so happy when they got more in. You'd have thought they got chocolate covered bars of gold or something by my excitement level.

So today was a good day overall. I did about 45 minutes of weight circuits and 30 minutes on the bike for my workout and I ate really well. I didn't photograph my meals, but that's something I'm still toying with doing. I like seeing what other people are eating so maybe if I do it'll have the same effect? Or maybe it will bore people to tears. I guess we'll see. Perhaps I'll try it tomorrow.

Chocolate Hangover

2008-11-22T18:46:00.003-07:00

I have a headache. Didn't sleep well last night at all. Most likely because I tried so hard to be good at dinner last night and I don't think I ate enough. That combined with drinking a few beers and then a few (or five) dark chocolate squares when I got home just made me feel kind of gross. These are all small things, but lately my body has been running really well on all the healthy food and exercise I've been giving it, so I think any variation from routine causes problems.

The dark chocolate thing is hard. I keep a big bar in the apartment and just have a few squares every now and then. I think it's good in a way, they say nothing can substitute for a chocolate craving and I am buying the good stuff with antioxidants and all that. And it's not like I eat much at one time. But it probably shouldn't be an every day thing and I'm sort of turning that way. So today, no dark chocolate snacks.

The boy is still sleeping blissfully but when he gets up we'll head to a little French cafe down the street for some breakfast. I love this place because I can get yummy scrambled eggs and a nice cappuccino and he can get his beloved Eggs Benedict. It's a relatively healthy protein packed meal for me and it makes for a nice Sunday morning routine.

This afternoon I'm going to try to find some new running shoes since I didn't get to that yesterday and mine have been pounded into the ground, then I'm hoping to get in a long cardio workout. Lately I've been doing 20 minute intervals on the treadmill, with one minute running fast and one minute walking recovery. After that 20 is up I'll switch to walking, gradually increasing the incline every 30 seconds until I hit 10, then going back down. I do that until I've done an hour total. It's a great workout that gets my interval training in, but adds that extra calorie burning time as well.

Oh yeah in regard to that hardcore yoga I mentioned yesterday, okay maybe I was exaggerating a little. :) I have been going to yoga every Friday here though and it is a tough class. We do handstands on the wall and backbends and everything, which is something I had never done in yoga before but I like a lot. I come home feeling like I actually worked my body, which is something I had never really gotten from yoga in the past. Maybe I just wasn't going to the right classes. I hope I can find a class this good when I get back to the U.S.

Okay time to wake the boy up and get some grub. Ciao!

South Beach Saturday

2008-11-21T19:38:00.006-07:00

I realize I have so much to talk about. But I'm not going to just word vomit all over the screen, I'm going to try to space some things out.

So let's see. I mentioned yesterday that I got back into actively trying to get some weight off in October. That's when I started doing the South Beach thing. I did the first two weeks, which is hardcore no sugar and pretty low carb, and I ended up taking off about seven lbs. I have to say at least four of that was probably water weight. Once I started adding back some carbs though, my losses slowed pretty dramatically and then I went to Thailand for a week. While I was there I pretty much let myself eat/drink whatever, but I didn't go crazy and binge or anything like that. Anyway, when I got back I had gained a few lbs, but I took them right back off the next week, and now I'm on the downward trend again.

In total though, since I started doing South Beach, I've lost about 11 pounds. I'm definitely happy with that. I hate hate hate this, but I know that limiting carbs is important for me if I'm going to lose weight. I'm clearly sensitive to them, and it does help when I reduce them. I wouldn't say I'm following South Beach to the letter of the law right now, I'm more just limiting sugar and sticking to a lower carb diet. I emphasize lower because it's still not all that low, given I'm eating tons of veggies and tons of beans still. I am just not a big meat person, never have been. I still don't eat red meat or pork at all. I used to eat turkey quite a bit, but turkey is just not common in Singapore. The only place I've found it is at Subway. Now I'm eating a lot of chicken, tuna, salmon, etc. Oh and peanut butter. My god I practically support the entire peanut industry all by myself.

The other thing I've dramatically reduced is my alcohol intake. One reason for this is that alcohol is ridiculously expensive in Singapore. A six pack of beer, local Tiger beer that is brewed here, costs around $18 Singapore dollars. That is about $12 US. Seems kind of ridiculous when I know I can buy a sixer of Bud Light for $5.99. And you don't even want to know what it costs to get alcohol in restaurants.

The other thing that's reduced my alcohol intake is my social life. In Denver we have a huge social circle and a big part of daily life is drinking. Not binge drinking or anything, but happy hour after work, apres ski beers, wine and cheese with the girls, that sort of thing. And don't get me wrong, I love that part of my social life and I'm excited to get back to it, but it isn't always conducive to weight loss. So being in Singapore, without a big group of friends to socialize with on the weekends means we just aren't drinking as much. We have met a few good friends here and we do still have drinks with them from time to time, it just isn't as often as I'd be doing it in the U.S. It's one thing I'm nervous about going back and facing honestly. But for now, as Martha would say, it's a good thing.

So yeah, clearly lower carbs and lower alcohol intake helps with weight loss. No shit Sherlock right? I am a genius. Maybe I should write a book on this.

Today is hard, as are all Saturdays. I think weekends in general are just rough on me. We eat out more often, and I often get frustrated with my options here. I miss having fast casual options where I know I can just pick up an easy salad. You'd be amazed at how hard it is to find salad here. Sometimes we go to the Hard Rock Cafe just to get semi-decent salads. Sad.

Tonight we're going to a fun Euro-American brewery place that has an outdoor grill. They have a ton of different skewer options, so I'll probably go with shrimp and get some veggies on the side. I'll also probably have some beer or a glass of wine, but nothing too crazy. I took the day off of working out because I worked out every day this week and I'm extremely sore from a hardcore yoga class yesterday (more on that soon) but I'll be back in my little apartment gym tomorrow. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Pokes Head Up

2008-11-20T19:54:00.004-07:00

Hello? Is anybody out there? I'm thinking some of you may have me in your feed readers still so if you do, hi! I'm back. Honestly I never really left, not totally. I've been reading tons of blogs the whole time I've been in Singapore. And I've been writing in a travel blog. And kind of wishing I was writing in this one.

So now I'm back.

In a way I regret taking a hiatus from fatblogland. There are so many new awesome blogs out there and so many relationships that I have let fall by the wayside. And I'm sorry for that. But I do know that it was the right decision for me to take a step back from writing about weight loss, specifically my weight loss (or lack thereof at times). When the boy and I moved to Singapore at the beginning of July I thought maybe it would be best to try to put some of my issues and obsessions with my weight aside for a while, and I thought stopping writing here might help that a bit.

And you know what, Singapore has been good for me in that regard in a way. When we first got here I didn't want to worry about food. I didn't want to worry about carb counts and calorie counts and fat and all of that crap. I just wanted to try new things. Living here, and going to Indonesia and Cambodia and Thailand, I've gotten to try tons of new food. Chicken rice and banana cakes and black sesame ice cream and greasy fried noodles and durian and dragonfruit and the list goes on and on. Some of it I loved, some of it I hated. Some of it was good for me, some of it was terrible for me.

I did gain a couple of pounds when we got to Singapore, and I was probably wavering back and forth in about a five pound range for the first four months. It depended on whether or not we were traveling (traveling always means lots of booze and eating out and you know how that can be).

Sometime in October though, I realized that just because I was halfway around the world didn't mean I could use that as an excuse to gain weight. Or more importantly, to not lose the weight. I've been hovering with being 25-50 lbs overweight for my entire adult life. There have been times when I've been gung-ho about getting it all off. There have been times when I'm resigned to just being "a big girl." There have been times when I'm eating or drinking without any restraint because I just don't give a fuck anymore. There have been times when I say "I'm going to lose it this time" but then I continue to maintain or just half-ass it.

The past couple of years I've fallen into a really bad pattern of losing weight at the beginning of the year - 10, 15, even 20 lbs. The for some reason the fall comes and I slowly gain. Gain all or most of it back during the holidays, and then I start over again the next year. In the fall of 2006, the year I got married, I was at the lowest weight I'd been at in a long time. But I gained back almost 25 lbs over the next year. Wow that is crazy to write it out here. But it's true.

At the beginning of 2008 I set out to lose that weight, again. And as of July, when we moved to Singapore, I was down about 15 lbs. Then I gained the five or so I just mentioned. Which brings us to October, at which point I started with a fresh resolve. Part of it was the thought of coming back to the U.S. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have daydreams about losing all the weight while I'm out here and coming home and shocking everyone with my new hot bod. And while I know that's not really realistic, I do know that I have an amazing opportunity. This year I won't be with my family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I won't have the food pushers and the pressures and the environmental factors that have caused me to gain weight every single holiday season I can remember.

Instead, I have myself. I have the boy, and I have about a month left in Singapore and then I have ten days in Japan, where I'll celebrate Christmas and my 29th birthday (on December 27). I know I can choose how to spend this time. And I choose to spend it losing weight, not gaining weight. I will not deprive myself from the sensory experiences here that I may not get for the rest of my life. But I will not let them take over my other needs either.

So what does that mean for me? That means I want to be conscious about my weight loss, and I want to participate. I want to take my blog back. I want to build relationships with other bloggers and tell the people I've let down I'm sorry. I want to steal some of the awesome ideas I've seen on a few blogs, like photographing my food more often and posting recipes. I want to talk about all of the things I'm loving right now and how living as an overweight person in Asia has changed my perspective a bit.

So I'm back. I'm going to be working on updating the links to the right and adding all of the new bloggers I've been reading. I'm going to be stopping by to say hi more often. And I'm going to be writing about my weight loss, my workouts, what I'm eating. And probably some non-weight loss things too. I'm going to go back to doing a weekly weigh-in on Wednesdays. I feel good today, I feel positive. Things aren't always going to be sunshine and lollipops I know. But I'm going to write about the good times and the bad times. I think getting started was the hardest part.

Checking In

2008-07-23T06:15:00.002-06:00

Hi guys. Just want to let you know I'm going on hiatus for a while. Things are good - the boy and I are here in Singapore, and of course I'm not falling off the wagon, just focusing on other priorities. I do have a travel blog and I'd love for you all to read it, but right now I know I can't give this blog the time and love it deserves. Please know that I'm still out there reading you all and cheering for you, and I'll be by to comment for sure, but I'm just not going to post much here for a bit. If you'd like to read the travel blog I'd love to have you. Please just email me at myfutureme at gmail dawt com.

XOXO

2008-06-25T09:29:00.003-06:00

Packing packing packing. That's all I'm supposed to be doing, but I never seem to do it. Today is the day though - I am going to do a practice pack and then leave everything I don't need for the next five days in the suitcase - it is not coming back out! I have had lots of helpers come over the past week or so - my mom, my sister, friends, etc. but I still cannot seem to get it together. I don't know if it's fear or procrastination or what. I'm actually getting really really excited to go, so you'd think I'd want to get the packing situation handled. It's the boring parts that get me - cleaning out the linen closet so our renter can have room for her stuff - BORING. But I will do it.

In other news, I lost .2 this week, which is kind of a miracle based on what I've been eating and the lack of exercise. Over the weekend we went to a wedding, then we had a bon voyage BBQ, and then last night our best friends took us out to the Melting Pot, a fantastic fondue restaurant, as kind of a last hurrah for the four of us. So yeah, needless to say, copious amounts of food and alcohol have been consumed.

What I'm getting really nervous about is not having a scale to monitor my progress on when I'm gone. Perhaps I'll buy one when I get out there, but I don't plan on taking one. I've been a daily weigher for quite some time now, and it's always been a good way for me to monitor my progress. Yes, sometimes it can get borderline obsessive, but for me that's never been really a negative thing. Instead it keeps me from backsliding. If I don't look at the scale, I'm usually avoiding it for a reason.

So as of Monday morning, I won't have a scale and doubly scary, I'll head off into the great unknown when it comes to food. No clue what I'll be eating on a regular basis when I get to Singapore, but I hope I can continue on this downward trend when I get there. As of today I've lost 14.6 lbs this year, which isn't stellar considering the gain from last year, but it is working for me!

The boy and I have created a new blog, so I'll be posting that here soon. I decided to just give you ladies the link, and if you're interested you can come on by. It's not quite ready yet, but I can guarantee that we'll be posting more often than I do here (I'm a slacker) and that we'll have some interesting posts about our travels to Asia. I'll still be here too, so I hope you'll visit. Be back before I leave, I promise!

Breathe In. Breathe Out.

2008-06-19T11:16:00.002-06:00

Phew. Deep breaths. Okay thank you all for talking me off the ledge. I am making lists and I'm getting through things. Yesterday after my post I decided to just screw it all and go to kickboxing instead, and I'm so glad I did. It was such a good way to get all of that stress out. After that I came home, made some lists, got some boxes, and then pretty much did nothing the better part of the day.

I think I just needed to relax a little. This morning I'm in getting things done mode and I'm happy to say I'm making some progress. For now at least. ;)

One thing that helps is that my mom is going to come over this afternoon. She's always good at getting me organized. I guess I still need that parental help once in a while. Even if I am 28.

So no workout today, but I'll be busy moving my body, so at least there's that. Food is still pretty good, but I have to confess I bought some Sweet and Spicy Doritos for the boy and they are damn good. And I kind of want to eat some. I think I will. But I'll make it work with my calories and we'll be fine.

Thanks again to everyone for being so sweet. I love you guys. And I'm sorry if I'm not around much in the next couple of weeks, but I'll be back, I promise. :)

What is it

2008-06-18T09:45:00.004-06:00

I suck suck suck right now at being a blogger. I'm stressed and I want to cry almost every day. I should be happy right now. There is just too much. It is too much for me right now and I want to let it all go to hell. I don't know how to organize myself for this move. I don't know how many effing pairs of pants to bring. I am letting these things overwhelm me.

HOW MANY PAIRS OF PANTS SHOULD I BRING????

Okay I just needed to yell that. Sorry.

I am scared. We don't even have a place to live yet. We leave in a week and a half. A week and a half. A week and a half.

It's only six months. I just need to chill out. For real.

A week and a half, and before that, I have to - go to a friend's wedding this Saturday. Be the guest of honor at a BBQ (at my house!) on Sunday. Be in a friend's wedding (including pre-parties, rehearsal dinners, etc.) next Saturday. Miss another friend's wedding next Saturday. Not tell that friend I don't think she should marry him.

Not to mention pack, get my shit in order so that someone can move into this little, messy house we won't be calling home anymore, and do things. So many things. Turn off my cell phone. Sell the car. Sweep the floors. Mow the lawn. Call my dad.

Weigh in today - gained .8. As long as I can stop myself from stuffing my face in stress I think I'll be fine.

Weigh In

2008-06-11T10:39:00.002-06:00

Down 2.6 today! Woo hoo! How did that happen? Maybe it's a fluke due to the sickness on Monday, but I do believe some of it is real. Yippee! Yesterday I stuck to my plan perfectly and I think the Chinese chicken salad turned out really nicely. All I did was mix some romaine and spinach together, add some shredded chicken, shredded carrots, mandarin oranges, slivered almonds, and a few crunchy chow mein noodles. It was delicious. Oh yeah and Newman's Own Lowfat Sesame Ginger dressing. So good.

Today is already totally effed up because I was up until 3:30 with the dogs, so I'm basically a walking zombie. If I want to make kickboxing I have to leave in 15 min, so it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'll figure something out this afternoon though I'm sure. In the meantime I need to order my yellow shoes for the wedding I'm in coming up in 2 weeks (yes I don't have my shoes yet, I am a slacker).

Anyway, yay for the weigh in! I'm so close to a new decade, I can taste it. Next week ladies. Next week.

Recovering Nicely

2008-06-10T11:44:00.003-06:00

Okay I'm feeling much better today. Slept like crap, mostly because we are dogsitting for my parents and while their little King Charles is adorable, she snores something fierce and is definitely not on the same schedule we are. She's also really sad; I think she just misses my mom. Anyway, other than that, I'm back to my old self.

This morning I walked the dogs for about 40 minutes, dropped them off, and went back out for some additional Jeni time. I ran down to the elementary school soccer field (about half a mile away) and spent some time doing a rotation of bodyweight exercises: squats, lunges, push ups, tricep dips, planks and V-sits. The I did 5 one minute interval sprints up and down the field, followed by the half mile job home.

Holy moly. I am dead. Sweaty dead. I think it's already about 85, and I am just not used to the heat yet. I need to start getting my workouts in earlier. I can't imagine how dead I'm going to be when I'm in Singapore and the humidity is one million percent. I feel great though, it's always so nice to get my body back in working order after a period (even though it was brief) of illness.

I don't think I actually had salmonella poisoning, it was just too short for that, but I definitely ate something that did not sit well with me. Today I'm going to try to stick to my tried and true meals and just hope that I don't have anymore issues.

On the menu today:
Breakfast: banana and peanut butter
Lunch: Turkey sandwich, pear
Dinner: Girls are coming over - I'm making Chinese Chicken Salad with breadsticks and homemade rice krispy treats for dessert. And probably some wine. :)

I know you were so interested in knowing that. Today I just need the accountability. Have a good one!

Tomato Scare!

2008-06-09T18:06:00.003-06:00

Bwahahahahahaha. Run for your lives!

Just kidding. But apparently there is some sort of scare about tomatoes and salmonella? I don't know if tomatoes were the culprit, but I spent the afternoon puking my face off after what I thought was a delicious veggie sandwich at one of my favorite little sandwich shops downtown. I called and they said they haven't had any complaints, but I'm wondering if the tomatoes were to blame? I don't really know what the symptoms of salmonella are, in fact I can't imagine salmonella would kick in that fast (I was sick about an hour after I ate, if that) but I do know that I was not a happy camper after that sandwich.

I'm feeling better now, still kind of yucky and headachey, but I'm starting to get a little munchy so I sent the boy out for some noodles. And a rice krispy treat. That's healthy right? Right. It's one of the only things I can think of that sounds good to eat right now, so I'm going to eat it.

And in the future, I'm going to proceed with caution around those yummy red globes of death.

Dinner for Seven?

2008-06-06T08:56:00.002-06:00

Ahh Friday, how I long for you. And you've finally welcomed me into your open arms. I don't know if I completely have my workout mojo back, but I did drag my ass to the gym (I was literally halfway home, convincing myself that I would run outside, even though it was raining, but I turned around and forced myself to go to the gym). I got on the treadmill, but could see that was going to be brutal with no iPod, so I decided to do a fast 20 minute interval workout rather than drone away for hours. It was killer.

After that, I hit the basketball court and did lunges up and down the court, squats, pushups on the Bosu ball, dips on the regular ball, bicep curls, and ended by running about 20 flights of stairs. Wow. My glutes are screaming today! It is amazing how running stairs can hurt a girl.

Food was okay not great yesterday - I haven't been to the grocery store in weeks and we're suffering for it. I did limit my portions and eat lots of veggies, but I also picked on some fries at lunch and had a few pieces of candy. Bleh.

I was on such an awesome cooking kick, and I really don't know what happened to it. My friend S. says I just got bored with it, and I think she might be right. I am hosting girl's dinner at my house next Tuesday (seven girls, including me) so if anyone has any ideas for fun, easy recipes to make for us, healthy of course and including some kind of healthy dessert, they are much appreciated. Let me give you an idea of what we usually have:

Last week, a huge chicken Cesar salad, garlic bread and strawberry shortcake for dessert.
Week before, pasta (rigatoni maybe?) baked with low fat mozzarella on top - most of the girl's had sausage but I always get a little one made without meat for me :)
Week before that, homemade mini pizzas and a huge salad.

So you get the idea, it has to be easy and cheap enough to feed seven women, but still yummy right? I was thinking of doing this lemon angel hair pasta and salad but I want something with a little more kick (and maybe more protein?). I usually stick to vegetarian these nights but I'm willing to add some chicken or shrimp or what have you for fun.

On today's agenda - wrapping up my contract work, short run if my booty can handle it, lunch for a friend's birthday, I'll be ordering the soup and salad, and hopefully getting some yard work done this afternoon. My peony's finally opened and they are so pretty! I love my backyard. Have a great weekend everyone!

Weigh In, Allergies and Bad Spinning Music

2008-06-05T09:50:00.003-06:00

Weigh in yesterday - down 1.4. That is after a one lb gain last week that I conveniently forgot to post. I am so sneaky right? I bet you guys are catching on to my little game by now. Guess who doesn't post when they gain? Me. But I am stopping that right now. I will post even if I gain 8 billion pounds. Because that's how it works around here. I've been really bad about posting and commenting on your blogs and I'm sorry, I just haven't been online/home much so that's getting neglected.

Anyway, things are moving in the right direction, albeit very slowly. Workouts are suffering and I'm just feeling all around flabby, but I just can't seem to get into the kick ass workout groove I was in. I am still getting them in, but just not as frequently and they just aren't as good. I guess I'm in a workout lull. The move is taking up lots of thinking time, but very little doing time. As are all of these doctors appointments.

Yesterday I had to get an abdominal ultrasound and an echo to determine that I don't have a "leaky heart valve" due to this collagen synthesis problem I have. It was weird. The echo was especially weird because your heart is right under your boob and I just felt like I was being molested the whole time. I know I wasn't but still. Weird. Can I say weird some more?

It was kind of nice in a way, because the girl who did it actually has rheumatoid arthritis, and she's only 26, so we started talking about all of the drugs they have for treatment and how they really have no idea what the long term side effects are for people who start so young like we are. She said she just started doing all of this research and freaked out and decided not to treat it at all. But - she said she's adopted a gluten free diet, and that has helped a lot.

So that got me thinking, maybe, just maybe, I could feel better if I looked into what I'm really eating, whether or not I have any food allergies, all that stuff? I don't know if I'm ready to forgo medication completely, but I'm very open to trying other things. I was tested for food allergies in college when my psoriasis was really bad, and of course it came back that I was allergic to like everything, but I kind of blew it off and was like, there is no way I can live like that.

But, this morning I'm looking to see if I can track down all of those old tests. I remember wheat was on there, as were some random things like coconut (which I happen to love). But don't they say you're usually allergic to the things you love/crave/eat most? Yeah probably. So I'm thinking there could be some truth to this allergy thing. Whether or not it helps my arthritis, I don't know, but I'm going to give it some time and see if I can dig up those old records.

In the meantime, the cardiologist thinks my heart is just fine, so I'm relieved about that. I guess I'll try to keep it pumping with some sort of workout this afternoon, after I hit up Denver's most famous vegetarian restaurant with a friend for lunch. Maybe I'll see if i can order something gluten free.

On a completely different note, I went to spinning yesterday and the instructor played this weird classical/house mix the entire time and I HATED it. So did a lot of people I think. It made the workout brutal and it seemed like it took forever. I like spinning to songs I mostly know, even if they are cheesy pop songs, because then at least I know when the song is going to end and we are going to move on to something different. But this was just never ending beats and violins and stuff and I just couldn't hang. Like 6 people left early. I felt bad for her but she didn't seem to mind. I guess they are just trying to bring variety to the classes but I would not be going back to that one.

Okay enough complaining, off to be productive. Have a great day everyone!

What to do?

2008-06-02T18:32:00.003-06:00

How was everyone's weekend? Mine was great - not enough downtime but lots of fun. The bachelorette party was fantastic and I ate pretty dang well if I do say so myself. There was lots of laughter and fun and yes, a lot of wine, but overall I think I kept it in check quite well. Yesterday I went to see Sex and the City with my sisters, which was fun just because it was sister time but I thought the movie was kind of a downer. I mean, it was fun to see all the ladies back together again and resume the story, but for a such a supposedly fun-loving story, it seemed pretty down in the dumps a lot of the time. I dunno, it was still fun to go I guess.

This morning I had to go to a meeting about freelancing, after which I was planning on going to spinning, but of course it took three freaking hours, then they asked me to go to lunch, and my whole plan was shot. I know I totally could have gone to the gym after, but I had just eaten and I was tired and hot and whiny and the boy was leaving for the airport and I wanted to see him before he left for the week, and blah blah blah bottom line is I didn't work out today.

Isn't it funny how when you don't work out for a couple of days you get in a slump, and it just becomes easier and easier to stretch it into one more day? Well I know one more day becomes a week and then a month and that would be way too easy to do with all of the stuff we have going on, so I have a plan for tomorrow.

The plan is this:

Get up, breakfast, shower, walk the dog, get to my gyno appt., go straight to the gym, grab lunch from the gym cafe, then get to my dermatologist appt., then come home, walk the dog again, then hit girl's dinner.

I know you were really excited to hear that. But sometimes it just helps to write it all out, you know? I am so freaking sick of all of these doctor's appointments, but I guess I just have to get them all out of the way before we leave.

So, question. I've mentioned we want to blog about Singapore right? Well, problem. This is my fatblog right? And yes, all of my friends know I'm fat. Or overweight. Or whatever. But they don't know about this blog. And no, I don't want them to know. I'm sure the industrious among them could probably find it if they wanted to, and I'm not going to any serious trouble to hide it or anything, but I don't really want to be advertising it so to speak. And I don't want it to be EASY to find.

So the issue is this: How do I blog about Singapore for my friends and family, but make sure you guys are in on it too? That is if you want to be. I know I could just email or write out the link here, but then if anyone comments, it might be easy to trace back to this blog. Too easy.

The boy suggested I have all of our traveling blog posts copy here automatically, but I don't want to hijack this blog that way for people who don't necessarily want to read about that stuff. I could make this blog private, but I know that I'd lose a lot of you because that would be a pain for you guys. The good thing about making this blog private is that I'd probably be a lot more candid here than I am now, and I might go to posting daily weights like I've seen other people do, stuff like that. I might also get to talk about work or other stuff more openly as well. But....I don't want to totally kill the fun that is having people stumble across your blog. And it's not like I have tons of readers or anything, not that that's what I'm really worried about because this is mostly for me, but I like the community I've built with you guys and I wouldn't want to lose that.

So, should I just get over it because I've put myself out there on the innernets for all to see and I should have known this was going to happen? Should I just suck it up and deal with it if people I know stumble across this blog while reading my new blog? Is there anything I'm not thinking of that would allow you guys to read both?

I don't know what to do here. I'm feeling kind of tortured about this and I know it's stupid but shit, I'm a drama queen and it worries me. To anyone out there who does know me and is smirking because I don't know you're reading, please tell me, because then I'll know how to deal with this in a better way.

Weekend Fun

2008-05-30T10:17:00.006-06:00

Hi! Sorry I've been MIA for a week, no excuse, just not getting around to posting after we got back from our trip to the lake. We had an amazing time, I am sunburned, dehydrated and overall exhausted, but I'm slowly getting myself back together. It's funny, it's really hard to get back to my normal eating schedule after a weekend of craziness. Since we stayed in my dad's condo on the lake we went to the hilariousness that is Wal-Mart and got groceries for the weekend, meaning I was able to eat fairly normally, except of course of the massive amounts of booze that were consumed over the weekend.

In addition, I spent much time in a swimsuit, making me much more aware of what I was eating. Overall, it wasn't too bad. I had a few body image crisis moments, especially when I saw some of the pics, but it wasn't all bad. I decided I couldn't let those types of worries govern what I was going to do, and dammit I wanted to do water sports. And water sports I did. Wakeboarding (okay I never actually got up, but I tried like a mofo) tubing, and just playing around on the waverunners. I love love love going to this lake. I wish I could go more often.

Before we went to the lake, we went to see my dad, which was nice but probably too short. He's already talking about coming to visit us once again before we leave for Singapore, but honestly there is just no time. Every weekend through June is filled with events, not to mention the fact that we are seriously slacking on getting our shit together before we leave. I did call the phone company about putting our landline on vacation hold while we're gone. Does that count?

I know, I know, who still has a landline? But the boy works from home usually at least three days a week and he likes it for works calls. In fact he's talking (very loudly) on it as we speak.

In other news, I went to the doctor yesterday, was there for three freaking hours, to figure out my arthritis treatment plan, and I feel pretty good about what I'm going to do. I'm going off of my psoriasis medication for a while since that may be exacerbating the problem, then I'm going to try methotrexate for a while and see how I do on that. The one thing that concerns me is that this medication has been known to cause birth defects, and of course if I do decide to start trying (maybe in a year????) I'll go off of it, but it still makes me nervous. I also feel good about my doc monitoring me while I'm gone and working with whoever I find in Singapore, so that's kind of a relief. Thank god for email.

This weekend I should be able to keep it together food and exercise-wise. Tonight we're going to maybe see a movie - I'm dying to see Sex and the City but I don't know if the boy is up for that - or maybe just stay in and lay low, which would give me a chance to cook a healthy dinner and get a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow I have a shower/bachelorette party to attend, but since I'm still sort of recovering from this weekend (do I sense a theme on this blog? I swear I say this every week) I'm going to try to keep the craziness under control. Go, attend the party, have fun and celebrate with the bride, but maybe take it easy on the cocktails and appetizers. It's kind of a weird group of people so we'll see how it goes. I'll definitely get a workout in of some sort before I go.

Speaking of workouts, I better go get mine in for today. I'm thinking a run to the park with some lunges, squats, abs and plyometric type exercises before I run home. Yesterday I hit upper body weights hard, and I'm surely feeling it today.

I'll leave you with a pic from the weekend - me on the wave runner, with a nice shot of one of the boys with a beer in the foreground. Pretty much how the entire weekend went. :)

Jean Pain

2008-05-21T09:06:00.003-06:00

I know I said I was going away yesterday but I just needed to post my weigh in today. I'm down 2.6 lbs! Now that is based on my weigh in 2 weeks ago, because I skipped last week's weigh in. Two weeks ago I had gained a pound, so really, I'm down 1.6 from my weigh in 3 weeks ago. Which means it took me approximately 3 weeks to lose about a pound and a half. Averaged out to half a pound a week. Le Sigh. Sorry to bore you with all of that math.

Not really le sigh though because I am happy to see this number moving in the downward direction. I was just looking through my graphs, because you know I love the graphs, and I am down about 11 lbs for the year. That starting weight was pretty horrendous and I'm still about 10 lbs above my wedding weight, but I'm getting there.

Interestingly enough, I am fitting fairly well into a pair of (size 32) Lucky jeans I bought a couple of months before the wedding, when I probably weighed at least 6 lbs more than I do now. Now I know that 6 lbs may not sound like that much, but I swear each lb really impacts my body, the way I fit into my clothes, all of that. I was working out like a fiend at the time too, but I wonder if I was working out in a different way or this time around I've lost more inches in different places (e.g. my BUTT). I don't know, but I've decided to keep using these jeans as a barometer. (I've also been in a pair of Old Navy 14's for about a month).

Speaking of jeans, it's always been my dream to fit into some hot ass, really expensive designer jeans. Over the years I've continued to try them on, whether I'm at a higher or lower weight, and over the years I've been frustrated beyond belief by the sizing. I have never, ever been able to find a pair that works for me. So, Nordstrom is having their women's half-yearly sale right now, and I decided to do a little research on the jean situation.

Based on my current pair of Lucky's, a 32 is equal to approximately an American size 14. This sounds about right to me. But looking at the sizing charts of various designer jeans, here is what I found out.

Hudson's are similar to Lucky's - a 32 = 14

Citizen, Seven's, and Paige Premium Denim size 32's = 12

Meanwhile, Rock and Republic and True Religion are just plain mean. Size 32 for them = 10.

To me, this is crazy. Of course the designers are free to size their jeans however they choose, but how upset am I going to be when I finally feel like I can fit into a pair of designer jeans, and I go to get my True Religion's and find I can't even pull them up over my ass. Because really, I still have to go down two more sizes to fit into them!

I know it's a status thing, and to have these jeans you have to be two things: rich, and thin. If you don't have the money, or the size 10 or less booty, you just can't have them. I guess that's how they keep them just out of reach of the fat masses like me. Assholes.

One of these days I'll fit into some designer jeans. In the meantime, I'm just going to take my size XL workout pants to the gym and do kickboxing before I head to the airport. Bye!

Procrastination City

2008-05-20T10:09:00.002-06:00

I am having a major problem getting the things done that I need to get done. I think it's a function of me not having enough to do. It's like I only have a few things to do, so I keep putting those few things off. Like I want to stretch them out throughout the week or something. But I'm leaving tomorrow for Texas and I need to clean, organize files, and start cleaning out the guest room, blah blah blah. I guess it's more than a few things, but I just can't seem to get started.

My friend H. is going to rent our house from us while we're in Singapore, which is nice because we'll have a trustworthy person here, and double nice because we're going to leave almost all of our crap as is: furniture, dishes, etc. and she's just going to use it all. Of course we'll clean out closets and that kind of thing so she can move her stuff in, but for the most part we don't have to move too much. One thing is for sure, we won't be taking very much to Singapore. Mostly just clothes, computers and some personal items to help us feel at home.

I think I'm still sort of in denial that I'll be in this other country for six months starting in about six weeks. I'm excited about it, but I don't know that it's really hit me. In fact I don't know if it will until I get there. One thing that isn't helping is that we still don't know where we'll be living. The boy's company is working on that, but I just want to see pictures, that kind of thing. I think it will help things become more real for me.

I just have so many questions. What will my day be like? What will I have for breakfast? I assume they don't sell Thomas Whole Grain Light english muffins there. ;) Will I be able to work out normally? Will I make friends? Will I be lonely?

I know I'll be lonely. I'm sure of it. But I think I'll figure it out. I have to. In the meantime I guess I just have to take one step at a time and get organized. Oh and also enjoy the fun events I have going on until I leave.

.............

So tomorrow I leave for Midland to see my dad, where I'll be for two days with my sister and her BF. Then we'll drive up to the lake on Friday, and that's when the boy flies in with two of our best friends and we'll party like we're 21 again. I haven't even thought about the pain that will be being in a swimsuit around this couple, but honestly, they are our best friends, they know everything about us, and seeing me in all my glory is just one more thing. I may not be a size 6, or 4, or whatever the new perfection is, but I'm not going to let that stop me from having a good time on the lake.

On that note, I guess I should try to go get my shit together. Peace.

Panini Monday

2008-05-19T16:54:00.002-06:00

Hello. Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend. I did, really enjoyed not having too many plans. The boy and I spent a good chunk of Saturday doing yard work, which is of course not that exciting but very fulfilling. It's always nice to see the fruits of your labor. Yesterday we saw Iron Man, which I actually really liked, even though I'm a movie snob, and then hung out at the park with some friends just playing volleyball and chillin'. Overall, an excellent couple of days.

This morning I ran down to the park, where I did some boot camp style exercises. Up downs (also known as burpies) push ups, tricep dips, squats, lunges, etc. I didn't push it quite as hard as one of those boot camp instructors probably would have, but it was a tough workout nonetheless. Felt good to sweat out all of the beer toxins from the weekend. ;)

I'm making dinner for a friend tonight who may rent our house for the six months we're out of the country. On the menu is a spinach salad and chicken pesto panini's. I cheated and went and got rotisserie chicken for the panini's to make it a bit easier, but my plan is to do chicken, pesto, mozzarella, and sliced tomatoes. Not exactly diet friendly, but I'm fitting it to my daily calorie allotment and I think I'll be fine as long as I keep my portion small.

Also, I know I'm not a teenage girl, but damn I'm excited for Gossip Girl tonight. What can I say, I'm a sucker for the dramz.

Vegas Hangover

2008-05-14T09:25:00.003-06:00

Back from Vegas and definitely a little worse for the wear. I guess I just need to accept that I absolutely cannot party like I used to. We had an amazing time, how can 8 girls in Vegas not have an amazing time really, but the 40 hours I was there was more than enough. I drank way too much champagne and generally just partied like a rock star.

Sunday night I got back and all I wanted to do was go to sleep, but of course I had to do some writing that I had put off. That was a dumb idea. But it got done, and then the boy and I hit the couch to catch up and watch a movie. Ratatoullie. It was cute but I know why I put off watching it for so long. It's a cartoon. Duh. I know I totally missed out on Mother's Day, so I hope all of you mothers out there had a great day.

I hadn't worked out for five whole days until today, which I hated, but my ankle needed the rest and after five weeks of boot camp, I think I'm okay with it. I don't want to train my body to think it's going to burn 700 calories every day either, because I know that is going to head me down a road I don't want to go. My ankle is feeling close to 100% now, which is nice.

I did hit an abs class and then a kickboxing class at the gym today, which they just added, and might I say it was quite the workout. The abs class was just okay, but kickboxing was phenomenal. Of course this guy walks in, he has maybe 4% body fat, and he is just ready to rock. He was so ripped, but in a hot, not gross way, and man, did he know how to work it out. I'm so freaking uncoordinated and I'm sure I looked like a fish out of water flailing about, but I got a great workout and had lots of fun. He kept saying "yes you can!" the entire time, which I kind of liked because even though no one said it, I'm sure we were all thinking in our heads "there's absolutely no way I can get my leg to kick that high." It was great, I'll definitely be going back next week.

I'm skipping my weigh in this week because I still feel a bit bloated and out of sorts from the weekend, and I know it won't be what I want to see. I'm leaving for Texas to see my dad for a couple of days and then meet some friends at the lake near Austin, so I have one more week to get in gear before that trip, on which I'm sure I'll party like a rock star again and completely forget how hungover and gross I felt on Sunday. And Monday. And yesterday.

Tomorrow we are going to see Flight of the Conchords! I hope they play their song Jenny in honor of me. :)

Stupid Hose

2008-05-08T09:13:00.002-06:00

Hello. It's Thursday morning and I have a crapload to do before I head to Vegas tomorrow, and I don't know if I'm going to get to post again before I go, so I thought I'd check in and say hi. I'm already having a shitty morning because I forgot to get coffee yesterday so we're out, and when I don't get my caffeine I am not a pretty picture.

Yesterday went exactly as planned. I worked on my article for a good chunk of the day, dropped the boy's kidney stone (yes, the one he got two years ago and has done precisely nothing about) off at the doctor for testing, and then met my mom and my sister for lunch at a new Mexican restaurant by my sister's office. I got the shrimp tacos, but only ate about half. It took everything in my power not to order a giant bean burrito the size of my arm, but I persevered. Mexican food is hard though. It seems like everything is loaded with cheese and sour cream and the tortillas are terrible too. I thought shrimp tacos on corn tortillas was a good choice, and I took off most of the cabbage and sauce goo goo they had on there.

Last night at boot camp we did all indoor stuff, a lot of boxing and "learned" how to jump rope. Well I thought I knew how to jump rope, but apparently there is something of an art to it. And, believe it or not, I'm a "natural" according to the instructor. That just makes me laugh my ass off. It's the way you tap your toes and move the rope around I guess that makes jumping rope such a great exercise for boxers. Think Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby. That's exactly how I looked. Oh except with about 40 more lbs on. Yeah. It was a nice, sweaty workout and I felt great afterward.

So when I got home last night after girl's dinner what did I do? Promptly tripped on the hose (that I left out) and turned my left ankle. Hard. Like I was writhing around on the grass in the dark trying not to cry. It hurt so effing bad. I iced it last night and mainlined some advil, but it is still pretty swollen and hurty this morning. Which means, unless it gets better throughout the day, I might be missing the last day of boot camp. The day we test to see how far we've come. And I'm pissed dammit! I don't want to miss it.

But, as the boy said last night, I better not push it if I want to avoid really injuring myself. The other thing I'm pissed about is Vegas. I do not want to be walking around in ugly supportive shoes if we are going to clubs and what not. Not that I'm a big club person, but I'm just going to go with what the ladies want to do and I'm sure we'll get dressed up and go out. It's not really that bad right now, but it certainly hurts, so I'm just going to see how I feel this afternoon but I doubt I'm doing a whole of activity for the next few days.

Today is lunch with another friend (I'm really lunching it up these days but now that I'm not working in an office it's one of the only ways I get to connect with some of my friends) maybe or maybe not boot camp and then shows with the boy. I love Thursdays, so much good TV, so little time. We usually save Lost for Saturday morning so we can rewind everything about a million times, but I guess we'll watch it tonight since I'll be leaving.

Vegas here I come!

Weigh In

2008-05-07T09:52:00.002-06:00

Up 1 lb this week. Boo! I lost 1 last week so the last two weeks have been a wash I guess. I know working out doesn't give me a license to eat crap, and that's what I did a couple of days this weekend, even if it was in smaller amounts, so I just have to take this gain for what it is. It's funny, every night at boot camp my heart rate monitor says I burn at least 700 calories, but I know I could completely cancel that out with one tiny little blizzard at Dairy Queen (the boy's new obsession - why oh why?!?) or some spinach dip out with friends or a million other yummy foods.

This is the last week of boot camp and I'm kind of sad to see it go, but I'm also really excited to get back to doing the workouts I want to do. I think I've mentioned this, but this is the first camp at the new downtown location and they've been trying out different instructors on us. While it's nice to have lots of different types of instructors, sometimes I don't think they talk enough about what the person did the night before. So last week we did tons of cardio and not enough weights for my taste, and this week we've done shoulders both on Monday and Tuesday. Don't get me wrong I know my shoulders need work, but we've barely done any biceps at all this camp and I want to do that too.

Last night was another really tough workout and I'm feeling it today for sure. Lots of push ups, dips, and shoulder presses, along with running around the park 5 freaking times and jumping rope for a year and a half. After the workout the boy and I went to get sushi for dinner, which was yummy, but today I feel sort of bloated and puffy. All the soy sauce I guess. I've always considered sushi a really healthy meal, but salt really does do a number on me as a get older. Wow even just writing that made me feel old. And now to talk about my arthritis, which isn't an old people disease at all, right?

Last week when I got my arthritis diagnosis, they took a ton of blood to run a bunch of tests. Yesterday I got a call that my complete blood count (CBC) test came back low, so they want me to come back in and have it redone. I'm going on Monday for an MRI of my foot anyway to see if I have any erosion in my joints, so I'm just going to have it done then, but I'm wondering what that means. My mom said (and the Internets confirmed) that they use CBC as a test for anemia sometimes, which could make sense given I don't eat red meat. But I eat a ton of spinach, so I don't know, that sounds sort of weird to me.

I guess I'll find out next week.

Today it's rainy and gloomy, which I secretly love. I've got a lot of writing to do this morning, taking the dogger to the groomer, lunch with my sister and then more writing before boot camp and girl's dinner tonight. Should be a fun-filled, rainy day!

Back to it Monday

2008-05-05T11:04:00.004-06:00

I feel like crap-o-la today. I wasn't totally off track this weekend - did pretty well up until yesterday, but my body is just so much more sensitive to what I put into it and this weekend I did not give it lots of fruit and vegetable and water love.

Especially yesterday I guess - we did an early Mother's Day lunch. I had a Bloody Mary (hey, vegetable juice, right?) while sitting out in the sun, and along with my Avocado Benedict (delicious, and I only ate half) I thought I wasn't doing too bad. But then I had some crappy snacks, some beers, and we ended up going to a crappy pizza joint (really crappy, I've had frozen pizza a million times better) and now I just feel crappy. I didn't even eat that much, stayed under 1500 calories, but it was 1500 of the wrong calories. The worst part about eating gross food is that you know you just put all of these gross calories and fat into you, and the food wasn't even that good or worth it. I'd much rather gain weight from eating things like high-end cheese and gelato. But I do still like the beer.

Anyway, couple all of that with a weekend of poor sleep (having guests always does that to me) and no working out for three days and I just feel bloated and gross. I'm trying to chug water, reintroduce the veggies and just have an all-around good day - just like most of my other Mondays, especially because I know I've got another really tough weekend ahead of me.

A bachelorette party in Vegas. I know there will be lots of drinking and probably not good eating, and I'm preparing myself for that, so I want to stay in my really good place before I go.

This is the last week of boot camp, and I'm prepared to kick major ass this week in both the exercise and the food arenas. When I get back from Vegas I have lots of doctors appointments to figure out how to treat this arthritis, a lot of stuff to do to get ready for our move, and only two weeks before we go to the lake with some friends.

I'm still not so sure I'm ready to be in a swimsuit, but I am glad that I've dropped at least five or so extra pounds. I'd like to say I could drop five more by that trip, but I'm not sure. I guess a girl can try, right? Hope everyone has a nice Monday.

ETA: By the way, my mom is doing much better. I think she just had food poisoning. That's what she gets for eating at a place called Chubby's. LOL.

Mom to my Mom

2008-05-02T09:08:00.003-06:00

Happy Friday! I'm super duper tired this morning because I didn't get to bed until about 1:30, and even then I didn't sleep well at all. Last night was hectic and crazy, but I'm hoping it sets the stage for a good weekend.

First: boot camp. Last day of week four, and it was brutal brutal. So brutal I almost puked. We ran the entire time. It's no secret here that I'm one of the slowest in the group, but on the way back from our run out (it was kind of staggered and interspersed with some squats, lunges and sprints so we all kept catching up to each other) we ran together for the entire 30 minutes home. Now I'm no stranger to long runs - I did that half marathon in October and I know how to manage that. But I am a stranger to running fast, and running without any walking breaks at all. I had to keep pace with the group, and the instructor decided V. and I (another one of the slower girls) were going to do it come hell or high water.

So to keep us moving at a fast pace, he did this technique where he put two fingers on the small of our backs (he traded off every once in a while) and sort of "pushed" us along. It was only two fingers, but it really did help. He also talked to us pretty much nonstop about our breathing, our pace, etc. It was actually really nice to have someone help me out like that (this is not the instructor I was previously worried about) and I ended up running the whole way back MUCH faster than I normally run. I even sprinted at the very end, and that's what led to the almost puking incident. It was hard. Painfully hard. But I was so freaking proud of myself afterward. And honestly, I'd say we ended up running almost 5 miles when all is said and done. It was great. And if I have to do it again I think I will kill someone. ;)

After boot camp I came home to my clean house (love a clean house just before guests arrive), hopped in the shower, almost fell down in the shower, and realized I needed some food pretty immediately. So I went downstairs, made myself a protein shake, half a sweet potato and a delicious salad with mixed greens, goat cheese, craisins, and balsamic viniagrette and watched some Thursday night TV. I had to leave to pick up my aunt from the airport around 8:30.

The plan was to take her back to my parents, where she is staying, but since they were at the hockey game (umm, not so great) we decided to go have a drink while waiting for them and waiting for my cousin's flight to get in. Well little did we know that my mom was actually at home, throwing up, and had been for hours. When my sister called to ask how my mom was doing, I had no idea. I felt so bad, here we were sitting and chatting, when she was home alone so sick.

So we rushed to her house, then I rushed out and bought her some Pepto and 7Up. I think she had food poisoning, I swear, in all of my 28 years, I have never seen my mother this sick. I felt awful. It's so weird when it's turned around, this woman who has taken care of me so many times when I'm sick, and here I am taking care of her. I just talked to her this morning and she's finally feeling better so I'm glad to hear that.

I finally left to come home around 11:30, was home before 12, and waited on the boy to come home with cousin and her husband. He ended up taking a later flight and arriving at the airport around the same time they did, so it worked out that I didn't have to go pick them up after all. Everyone was finally home and in bed by 1:30, but it was a big night for sure.

It looks like everyone is just getting up and around, so I better run. Wish me luck on eating out this weekend. Hope you all have a great one!

May Day

2008-05-01T09:38:00.003-06:00

A couple of things today.

1. Last year - my toes were swollen and I had a couple of theories about why that was. Well some of the swelling has moved to my fingers as well, and it's becoming a major pain/inconvenience/worry. So I finally went to a rheumatologist this week and found out I do indeed have psoriatic arthritis, which is an extension of my psoriasis.

This sucks. Getting it so young means I'm going to have to closely monitor my joints, and be on some sort of medication (read: weekly shots) for probably the rest of my life. I'm getting an MRI in a couple of weeks to find out if I have any erosion in my toes already, and if I do that is going to be a very bad thing. The other thing is figuring out what I'm going to do to take care of this while I'm in Singapore. Getting doctors, finding out what kind of medication I'll have access to, etc.

It's funny, because I called my toes sausage toes, and the doctor said they actually do call it sausage toe. Like that is a medical term. I knew I should have been a doctor.

2. I also have something else called Ehler's-Danlos syndrome. It means I have a defect in collagen synthesis. I don't really know what that means. What it means to me is that my skin is more stretchy than normal, that my fingers are "double-jointed" (nothing to do with the arthritis) and that I have hypermobility in my elbows and knees. In my case it's nothing to really worry about, but it's interesting to know that I have this nonetheless.

3. Yesterday it was 80 degrees here. Today it is snowing. Big, wet sloppy snowflakes. WTF? Stupid weather.

4. My cousin and her husband are flying in late tonight to stay with us until Monday. I have to pick them up at 11:30 or something. I don't want to stay up that late. I'm so selfish.

5. Last night at bootcamp we ran probably about 3 miles, then we came back and did 30 minutes of abs. Ouch.

6. I have to vacuum. I hate vacuuming. This post is getting boring so I'm off now...