Random Thoughts on Goals

I ate like six mini snickers today. Maybe even more. Damn. After all the rah rah posting I've been doing lately. And what do I go and do but fuck it up. I need to start planning a little better because I get hungry in the afternoon and I have nowhere to go except straight for the chocolate. I also skipped my workout yesterday due to trying to find a coffee table and all of the zillion other things we have to do for the move/wedding. I know excuses excuses.

I think my hardcore goals might be freaking me out a little. I'm going to scale back my goals a little, but maybe not much. I don't know. Really what I want to do is hit 160 or even see the 150's by my wedding. Realistically I'm not sure if that's possible. I mean as of last Thursday I was 177.5. I doubt I'll lose this week because I've been a little lax with diet and exercise, but we'll see. As of this Saturday I have 11 weeks until the wedding. That means if I lose 1 lb a week, I'll be down to 166.5. If I lose 1.5 lb a week, I'll be down to 161, so I mean theoretically I should be able to do this with no problem.

Also, I know this is a boring post, but I just need to write out my thoughts about all of this right now so I'm sorry.

Anyway, so the problem with these goals is that the 170's are sort of a stopping point for me. I've mentioned here before that I was at my lowest weight, 171, in 2004 when I was in grad school and really focusing on weight loss. I never got out of the 170's though, the holiday's hit and I pretty much lost it after that. Before 2004 I never really weighed myself religiously, and I'm sure I was in the 160's at some point, (maybe early undergrad?) but I don't really know. And I guess I'm just scared I'm never going to find out. All these thoughts keep running through my head, like why do I sabotage myself when I get firmly into the 170's? Am I afraid of what will happen if the scale keeps going down? What if I have some mental block that means I'll stay in the 170's forever? Or what if my body just thinks this is a good stopping point and no matter what I do I won't be able to get out of here?

I know the physical thing isn't true, but I'm afraid the mental thing may actually be true. The problem is; I don't know why. If I knew why then maybe I'd be able to confront it, but right now I don't really know why. Maybe I'm just afraid of actually achieving my goals. Now I know I have a long way to go and I haven't achieved any goals yet, but it's like the possibility is finally in sight.

I don't see myself going back to that person I used to be. I don't see myself never working out, eating pizza and drinking wine every night. Sure I see myself doing that occasionally, but not all the time like it used to be. I have truly changed. And because of that, there should be no reason why I can't achieve my goal of seeing the 150's by my wedding. But I'm going to start small and see if I can just make it to the 160's for now. Then we'll see about the next set of numbers. It's weird how this seems so easy some days, and so scary and daunting the next. I guess if it was easy we'd all have it figured out by now. I guess that's why they say to take it one day at a time.

Sibling Rivalry

I think I've figured it out. For now at least. Eating and exercising is going well and I'm losing. I think my sister is having a hard time with it. I've mentioned her before here, and you probably know that she also struggles with her weight, but we've always sort of struggled together. I mean at least for the past three years, but probably more like our entire lives, we've sort of lost and gained weight on the same basic cycles. Sometimes she'll be more dedicated and focused while I'm just sort of so-so, and sometimes it's vice versa. At one point about a year ago she was kicking my ass and I felt like shit. It's not really that we're competitive, but there is some sort of mutual cheering/jealousy thing that goes on. It's never overt and we both want each other to be happy and healthy, but it does bum me out when she's looking happy and thin and fabulous and I'm feeling crappy and fat and sad. And I know it's the same for her.

Here's a pic of us from this past Christmas (I'm on the left). You would know it from the pic because my face is so bloated and round, but she weighs about 15 lbs more than me in this pic. My weight is distributed fairly evenly across my body, including my face, while hers resides mainly in the lower half of her body. She's so freaking pretty. Currently I weigh about 18 lbs less than I do in this pic (yay!).

The one thing that's really separated us over the past year though is our differing feelings on exercise. I've been very dedicated to exercising, especially since I started with the trainer in January, while she's just never been able to get excited about it. She hits the gym occasionally, but never seems to really get into it. Even when my eating has been crappy and I've been on the verge of gaining or plateauing, I've been lifting weights and riding my bike and attempting to run. It's something I've finally learned to enjoy, and now I can't imagine my life without it.

Anyway, my sister and I are really close, best friends really, and I know she's having a hard time right now with the weight situation. She's back to where she started in January and I'm on a roll with my new approach to my diet. She made quite a few nice comments on how I was looking tonight which makes me happy, but it also makes me sad because I know she's beating herself up inside thinking that she should be looking the same way I do. I can just tell she's having the mental struggle that I've had so many times. She just seems bummed.

Tonight at dinner I didn't drink, ordered the salmon and had frozen yogurt at the ice cream shop instead of ice cream. I watched her waver back and forth, but ultimately she chose a salad and frozen yogurt as well. I was proud of her, but I know she didn't do it because she wanted to. She did it because she felt like she had to make good choices because I was making good choices, and she was afraid people would judge her if she decided on something else. That sucks.

It sucks because I love her and I want her to make good choices because it makes her feel good to make those choices, not because she feels obligated to. It sucks because I know she didn't even like her salad and she probably feels screwed out of a nice dinner. It sucks because the truth is, no one at that table would ever judge her for the choices she makes. We love her and want to see her happy and healthy, but damn it if she wants a cheeseburger I want her to have a cheeseburger.

Ultimately I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. I want us to find that groove where we're both losing and confident and happy. I want to cheer her on and motivate her and have her do the same for me. But she's just not ready for that right now and if I push it to hard she'll just get annoyed and frustrated. Sometimes I'll suggest going to the gym together or making a healthy dinner and she's all for it, and sometimes it's like she just gets annoyed that I'm even bringing it up. I don't know how to handle it because I suck at the fine art of compassion. Even when I intimately know the struggle she's facing, I just want her to do what I'm doing. I'm trying, but maybe I'm just rotten on the inside. I don't know. It's a fine line, but I guess I just have to walk it. I love my sister and I want her to be happy with herself no matter what she weighs. I think she probably needs to confront some emotional stuff, but I'm the last person to help with that because I need to confront that shit as well. Sucks.

Anyway, I guess I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and try to set a good example for her and my dad and my mom. Things are going well for now, so let me do my woo hoo carrots part of the post.

I'm down 1.5 lbs this week for a total of 5.5 lbs in 4 weeks of the challenge. I'm stoked about the loss and am going to continue to abstain from alcohol for as long as possible, even though I died a tiny bit inside when I couldn't have a glass of wine at dinner. Okay not really, it was actually fine, but still that's the hardest part for me. I just love a good night out to dinner with some wine, ya know? I've worked out seven times this week so far with a run planned for tomorrow with the boy to make it eight. I did have pizza for lunch today and some chocolate earlier in the week, but I've kept my portions small and think I'm well within my calorie range for the amount of exercise I'm doing. I'm a little tired from it all, but here it is 10:20 on Friday night and I'm getting ready to go to bed in a little while. I'm such an old lady.

I hope things are good with you all. Keep it up and stay focused!

Beyond Hot

People, I live in Denver. We have some of the best weather in the States. I mean, sure we have our share of snow in the winter, but we also have more sunny days than San Diego. We have all four seasons, and they are beautiful. When I lived in D.C. I realized just how awesome the weather in Denver is. That's why we're a city full of thin, outdoorsy types. But this weekend!

What am I supposed to do with 102 on Saturday and 103 on Sunday? I can't go on a long bike ride. I'll die. I can't go on a long run. I'll die. I can barely even walk the dogger. I took him out this morning, like I always do on Saturday morning, for a long walk. And he turned around about halfway down the block. Poor little guy just couldn't take it.

We're going to the new house today for the sellers to "show us the ropes," so it'll be interesting to see what the house feels like in this heat. I'm excited because she's going to show me the vegetable garden and what she's done with all of the flowers. I really hope I can keep everything alive. I've never really experienced what it's like to have a yard and a garden, but I just can't wait. We move on August 1, and I'm literally counting down the days. Our first time in a real house!

As far as the heat goes, I guess I'm going to have to head into the air conditioned gym. I'm on a roll with eating and working out right now and I don't want to mess that up because I tried to overdo it on a hot day. Hope everyone has a great weekend planned. Stay focused!

170's!

Quick post to say I lost three pounds this week to make it to 179! I haven't seen the 170's since February of 2005, when I hit my low weight of 176. Alas, I only stayed there for a few weeks. Not this time though, I'm keeping on keeping on and I hope to hit the 160's in the next 6 weeks.

I still have a pretty hardcore goal of 25 lbs for this 12 week challenge, and so far, three weeks in, I've lost 4 lbs. Obviously I'm not hitting my target of 2 lbs a week, but like I said before, I like to aim high so that even if I don't make my goal, I'll still be losing.

Today is the first attempt at the two-a-day workouts - I did a high intensity interval run for about 25 minutes this morning and I'm going to the gym after work to hit the weights. Have a great day everyone and keep pushing! We can do this!

Back

So...I'm back from my trip. All things considered, I think I did a pretty damn good job. I mean I definitely indulged, but I never really overdid it and I'm hopeful I'll still see a maintain or even a loss this week. As soon as I got back I got right back on track and tried to catch up on my sleep. I still don't feel 100% as far as that's concerned, but otherwise I feel good.

Tonight I met with the trainer and we talked about my game plan for the next fourteen weeks (because that's how long I have until my wedding, OMG!). I'm going to incorporate some two a day workouts, even if that means 15-20 minutes of high intensity cardio in the morning and then steady state cardio or weights in the evening. This should help keep my metabolism burning all day. On top of that, I've got to up my veggies again. I mean I'm still doing the salad in the morning thing, but he wants me to eat a good chunk of veggies at every single meal. It's going to be tough and at times not all that appetizing. But I know it will help keep me full and prevent me from eating too many calories.

So I'm keeping on keeping on with the AFW challenge, even though I did end up gaining 1 lb last week. My next weigh in is on Thursday though, so we shall see how that goes. In the meantime I'm just going to try to do what I know I need to do and focus on myself. The rest should come naturally.

Family Ties

Hrmph. I don't think I'm going to lose tomorrow. It's only Week 2 of this challenge and I seem to have screwed it up already. I may even gain. Lame. My big problem is that I strayed from the no alcohol except on special occasions thing and it really did screw me up.

We closed on the house on Thursday, so I had two glasses of wine. That was okay though right? Well then Saturday night we went out to celebrate, and I ended up drinking quite a few beers. And then yesterday was a holiday, and we went to a friend's BBQ, and I ended up drinking way too many beers. And having some cookies, and chips and dip, and blah blah blah. It wasn't good. And this morning I was all set to have a really low cal day and work out after work, but of course we have no food in the house since we are getting ready to go to Texas and we haven't gone to the grocery store, and I had to work late so the gym was out and Annie's Cafe was in.

I know it's all a bunch of lame excuses but I like doing the woo hoo carrots thing rather than bitching about falling off the wagon. So I'll weigh in tomorrow and probably maintain or gain, and that's going to make achieving my goals for this challenge extremely difficult. I'm going to do everything I can to climb back on the wagon, but we're going to Texas tomorrow, and going to Texas and eating well just don't mix for me right now.

Here's the backstory. I was born in this town, Midland, in west Texas, where my mom and dad both grew up. So all of my grandparents and cousins and etc. still live there, along with my dad and my stepmom and stepsisters. My mom and dad got divorced when I was six, then my mom remarried and moved us to Denver. I was born in Midland, but I consider Denver my home. I grew up here, I went to school here, I'm planning my future here, and I love it here. But going to Midland has always been a part of my life. When my sister and I were still little, we'd go for the entire summer to stay with my dad. My mom said we used to come back about 10 lbs heavier every year, and she'd have to work for months for us to get back down to a normal (but still chubby) weight.

Why?

Because my dad didn't know what else to do with us. He was a single guy just trying to manage two little girls who he barely ever got to see. So he made fed us Taco Villa and chili dogs and fritos with ranch dressing (seriously, could it get any worse than fritos with ranch dressing?). And my sister and I binged because the food made everything okay for a minute. It made us forget how unhappy my dad was and how hard it was for us to cope with the bitterness he had toward my mother.


Eating has just become a way of life for my sister and I when we go to Texas. There isn't much else to do when we go visit our dad, so we go out to eat. It's just how we relate to each other. We go out to lunch, then popcorn and candy at the movies, then out to dinner, then out to ice cream, and by the end of the day we just all roll into bed like fatty fatty two by fours. It's disgusting and I hate the bad habits we've learned while we're down there. But every time it's like something just kicks in and we forget who we really are. The food has some sort of weird power over us.

My dad is a big guy, and we've just recently learned he has Type II diabetes. I've tried to set a good example the past couple of times I've seen him, but bad habits are hard to break. My stepmom struggles with it more than anyone, because she's a nurse, but unfortunately you can't always tell a grown man what to do. And to top it off, she thinks if she cooks big meals for us we'll love her more, which is absolutely not the case. But I can see how my dad may have trained her to believe this.

It really just goes to show you how much your environment can shape the person you are. I know there is something to be said for nature vs. nurture, and in this case I really do think it's all nurture. I mean I will have all of the best intentions in the world, but as soon as I get in that car for the long drive, it will all go out the window. I have the same relationship with food that my dad has, and sometimes I can't seem to break free of the grasp it has on me.

We're going down there because my dad and my grandparents are throwing us an engagement party. It will be fun, because it will be me and the boy and my sister and his brother (who are dating by the way, have I mentioned that?) hanging out in the car road trippin. I'm really looking forward to seeing my family, and spending time with everyone and showing them what an amazing man I snagged (they've all met him before, but still). What I'm not looking forward to is the food situation.

I have a plan to combat the food situation, and I know exactly how it's going to go. Tomorrow morning I will go on a run before work. Then I'll have my normal healthy breakfast and lunch, come straight home, grab the crew and bags, and hit the road. Dinner will be something on the road. I'm hoping for a Subway stop so I can attempt to have a really healthy day tomorrow. But then it really starts. We'll spend the night in some podunk town in Texas or New Mexico (no offense to you guys but you don't have many healthy options). So I'm going to try to bring a Zone Bar or something of that nature instead of resorting to an egg and cheese biscuit. We'll probably have lunch on the road too, most likely another fast food joint. I'll just have to make the best decision I possibly can. And it goes on and on and on.

Basically, I'll be completely bombarded with food this entire weekend. But you know what, I do not want to gain again! I don't need it! I can have fun and enjoy being around my family without reverting to the thirteen year old binger that I used to be. I don't need food to make me comfortable or happy or okay with myself. My life is great right now, and I'm going down there to celebrate the person I am. That person makes healthy choices and goes on long runs on the weekends and is going to set a good example for her struggling father.

Okay I know this post was really long and probably boring, but I just needed to psych myself up for what I'm about to encounter this weekend. I'll be back Monday to let you know how it all went. I can do this!