Good morning. Okay well it's really almost noon but I am just kind of getting up and around. Sipping some coffee, waiting on my sister to come get me so we can head to the gym. I'm going to hit the treadmill even though it's a fairly nice day here because my sister is motivated to go to the gym and I'm all for supporting to her when she is feeling in the groove.

Yesterday I did weights in the morning, then I met my mom for lunch. I tried to make good choices but a few fries sneaked in there for sure. Then of course some friends of ours got engaged last night, so we all went to this bar on the 27th floor of a hotel overlooking downtown Denver to celebrate. It was fun - I took it slowly and on snacked on some pita and hummus, and had a few glasses of wine and one beer. Not 100% perfect and pure, but dammit I'm out having fun with my friends and I'm not going to let my diet control my life.

Right?

Right!

Tonight is another story however, we've been invited to a 30th birthday celebration at a Mexican restaurant, and I honestly am a little worried about that. I love love love mexican food and I always have a really hard time around it. I've done a great job making healthy versions of the things I love (burritos, nachos, etc.) at home, but when I'm out it's definitely hard to make good choices. Unfortunately the place we're going doesn't have a menu online, but I'll figure it out.

The rest of this weekend is going to be filled with lots of relaxing with the boy and the dog and maybe seeing a movie or something equally chill tomorrow. Hope you all have a great one!

P.S. Here are my new glasses!

Eyes

Today is a weird day. I am so spacey for some reason. I think it actually all started yesterday at the gym. I had lunch with my girls from my old job (went well actually, there was minimal gossip, etc. and it was soooo good to see them). Anyway, then I went to the gym to meet my trainer, and he seriously kicked my butt.

We started in the stairwell, where I carried two 20 lb dumbells up and down four flights of stairs, interspersed with some pushups. It was hardcore, and it only got worse from there. I was doing fine and actually enjoying my butt kicking until about 5 minutes left in the hour, when I was doing some tricep dips and all of the sudden I got completely nauseated and had to stop immediately. Trainer was worried and wondering if I was going to puke/pass out. I had bonked, and bonked hard.

Luckily the workout was almost over, so he got me some gatorade (third ingredient, high fructose corn syrup btw, WTF?) and had me just chill and stretch out. After I had gotten my blood sugar in check with about half of the gatorade, I showered and went home, but I still felt just icky. I had a turkey sandwich for dinner and pretty much just sat around the rest of the night, feeling fine for the most part, but sort of weird. It made me realize how important simple carbohydrates are when you're working your body that hard.

This morning I was planning on doing another hardcore workout, but I just could never seem to get up my energy, so I ended up doing just a run/walk type thing for about 45 minutes. It was fine, and I came home, showered and made some lunch before heading to the mall to get some new glasses.

I only really wear glasses for reading/computer/watching movies, etc. and I seem to have lost mine the day of the lay off. I think I must have just misplaced them during the frenzy of it all, but I've called everywhere and after about a zillion headaches I decided it's probably time to just go ahead and get a new pair.

They said it would only take about a half hour, so I headed to the new Nordstrom to get some coverup, and ended up getting my whole face done. I was the canvas. The girl was the artist. It was hilarious. I normally don't wear that much makeup, but I do like a little, so I figured what the hell. She ended up putting some fun, but fairly subtle, purple eyeshadow on me. I took a pic but the lighting is pretty bad in here right now.



Anyway, maybe you can get the idea? It's so fun, I kind of want to go out to dinner and bat my eyes at my husband, but I guess we'll just make frozen dinners or something and sit on the couch like old people.

My glasses didn't end up being ready on time and I had to run, but I'll show you guys a pic when I get those too. Tomorrow is another weights day, hopefully I'll be back to full strength by then.

Weigh In

Down .6 this morning. Wow. Slow slow slow. My fault because I had a pretty rough weekend with eating and stuff. I'm sure my only saving grace was the workouts I've been doing, and luckily I have the time to do it since I'm jobless right now. Since I bought a ten pack with the trainer at the gym before I got laid off I still have about 5 sessions left with him, and he's been giving me some ideas for increasing my workout time while I have the time.

Today I'm going to lunch with two of the women who got laid off with me, so that should be interesting. I'm looking forward to it because I miss spending time with them (you know how you get to know your coworkers better than you know your own family? yeah, that was them) but I'm also kind of dreading the bitch session/speculation/shit talking that will undoubtedly happen. I'ts weird how we all responded so differently to the lay off.

I did the sad/hurt thing, but now I feel like I'm making the best of it and just trying to enjoy not having a full time job (of course while simultaneously not freaking out about money).

One woman did the seriously pissed off thing, yelling and screaming and just going off. The other one I'm having lunch with did the denial thing. It's like she just didn't believe it was really happening.

It's funny, you'd think someone died or something by the way we all responded.

Hurt. Anger. Denial.

But I guess in a way, losing your job is kind of like a death. I don't mean to say it hurts as much as losing someone you love, but it's stressful and scary and just all around lame. I think I've finally moved on though and I'm trying to embrace what I have now. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I'll be okay. And I'm looking forward to having lunch with these two to make sure they are okay too. In a way, I almost feel responsible for helping them along with their searches, even though I had nothing to do with them losing their jobs.

The hard part is, we're having lunch at Gordon Biersch. And when I start talking about emotional things like this, I tend to want to just stuff my face. I plan to hit the gym after lunch again like I did last week when I had a lunch meeting, and I think that will really help keep me in check. Hopefully I'll find a decent salad on the menu and then I'll be good to go.

On that note, it's time to walk the dog, check on some job stuff, and get ready to go. Have a wonderful day!

Tuesday

Thank goodness the weekend is over! I of course would never be saying that if I had to get up and go to work this morning, but alas, I did not. Instead I was sort of glad to see my husband get out of the house and give me a chance to get some things sorted and of course get my food in order.

Starting with Valentine's Day last Thursday I had a few crappy eating days. Thursday night I actually made a beautiful healthy meal - lobster tails, roasted new potatoes and broccoli with strawberries dipped in chocolate. It was healthy, but a LOT of food and I definitely overate. Then the long weekend hit and I didn't do great any day, but I guess I didn't blow it too badly either. I have to say I don't think I'll be seeing a loss tomorrow though. Ahh, this is what I get I guess.

I just went for an awesome run though - it's a beautiful day here and I couldn't resist getting outside for an hour or so. This afternoon I'm going to help a friend with 5 month old twins go swimsuit shopping (yikes - are we already doing that?). I don't think I'll venture into a swimsuit yet, just help her hold the babies and what not while she shops, but you never know. Honestly I'm in an okay place with body acceptance right now though and I don't know if it's a good idea for me to try anything on in that glaring florescent light.

Off to shower, then make some lunch. Have a great day!

February 14

Oh Valentine's Day. Another day when those who fight the fat are faced with loads of sugary snacks, cookies and cupcakes, and of course the little heart shaped box of chocolates. My grandpa still sends me one every year, complete with a Charlie Brown V-Day card. I love him for it. It makes me smile and I look forward to it every February. I was in the middle of splitting open one of those chocolates to see what was inside when my husband proposed. :)

Anyway, this year I'm doing my best to manage. Last night I got a package from my stepmom with some sugar cookies inside. I was home alone missing my husband and I ate two. But I counted them and then slowly stepped away from the kitchen. And it was fine. Especially considering my workout yesterday.

I didn't make it to the pool after my trainer meeting but I did get a half hour on the treadmill, so I feel pretty good about my workout. 90 minutes of sweating (and an eyebrow wax at the gym spa to boot) and I was feeling great yesterday afternoon. I also stuck to my plan at P.F. Changs, so all in all it was a good day.

This morning the boy is finally home, and I found some Fiber One apple cinnamon muffin mix at the store, so I'm making those for our special Valentine's Day breakfast. I don't even care about Valentine's Day but it's still an excuse to do something different. Then it's off to lunch with my mom and sister, hopefully a treadmill session this afternoon and then I'm going to attempt to cook a nice dinner. Still haven't decided exactly what, but hopefully I can whip out some awesome cooking skills. *smirk*

Have a happy Valentine's Day and don't let the sugar get you down!

Weigh In

Well it isn't as much as I was hoping for but I had a 1 lb loss this morning, taking off the .4 I gained last week and another .6 from the week before. Wow this is a slow process right now. I think the sickness really put a damper on the weight loss. I wasn't really eating any different than I do when I'm healthy, but I definitely missed at least four workouts. It just makes me realize how important my workouts are to my continued progress.

The good news is, I hit the gym on Monday for a hardcore strength workout and I am super sore since then. I've always sort of avoided working my calves because they seem to be pretty muscular without any direct work, but my trainer has me doing a lot of calf raises now and they are killing me! Yesterday I took the dog on a 2 mile walk (a lot for him since he's so little) and then I did a 3 mile run, so I luckily I was feeling pretty good about myself when I ran into my husband's ex girlfriend!

This isn't just any ex-girlfriend, this is THE ex-girlfriend. The one he was with for like 3 years. The one he thought he was going to marry. All that was a long time ago (they started dating in high school, we started dating in college after he had gone through a couple of rebound girls) but still, it was sort of nerve-wrecking to see her. I said hello and chatted with her briefly about what she was up to, etc. but it was just so weird. Nothing like one of your mate's old flames to bring out the old comparisons.

I truly did feel fine about the encounter, no jealousy, no worries, nothing, just a nice chat, but it left me thinking. How would I have felt if I hadn't worked out before I ran into her? If I hadn't showered, done my hair and donned a cute outfit for a meeting with a job prospect. It's amazing how much better I feel about myself when I know I've done everything I can to make my body be the best it can be. It wasn't just about how I looked, it was about how I felt. I felt good.

On that note, I'm off to do another long walk with the dog, then I have a lunch meeting for another potential job at P.F. Chang's. I've decided I'm going to order the Ma Po Tofu and hopefully only eat about half, with brown rice. I know I'll be motivated to stay on plan because I have a meeting with my trainer at 2, and I don't want to be all sluggish and gross for our workout. I may actually go swimming after we meet too depending on how hard the workout is and what I'm up to.

Tonight I'm going to try to plan a healthy but nice Valentine's Day dinner to cook tomorrow for my husband, who gets back from traveling tonight. Yay! Have a great day everyone!

Canned

So I jumped gung ho into blogging again (well for me at least) and then I disappeared again. WTF, you ask? Well, bad times. Bad times.

Two Friday's ago I got laid off. As in, sort of fired. Well not really fired, as all my friends and family keep telling me, but laid off. The entire marketing team got the ax, and it feels like getting fired, but really it's just getting laid off due to lack of money and what not. I know it's not personal, and I know it's just business, but still it was sort of an ego blow. That's what you get when you work for a startup I guess.

I've always been that Type A, highly competitive type. And honestly, losing my job has made me feel pretty effing inadequate.

So of course the night it happened I went out and got utterly toasted, starting with some martinis and then beer and then who knows what after that. That set off a weekend of eating a load of crapola, culminating with a cold that hit me last Sunday morning like a ton of bricks. Put all of this together and I have been fairly incapacitated for the past week or so.

I was able to get my eating back on track and miraculously only gained .4 last week, after a stellar loss of 2.8 the week before that I never reported here, so I'm okay with that. The cold has been brutal, so I haven't been able to work out as I planned, but I got back on track with that today as well. The cough remains and my chest isn't completely cleared up, but I'm doing much better.

The loss of the job has sort of put me in an introspective mood - trying to figure out what I want to do with myself and how I'm going to sort out my future. Of course the loss of my salary is going to hurt, but luckily we can survive on my husband's for the time being, although it won't be too much fun.

So while I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do, I'm taking this time to really focus on myself and my health. I've been grocery shopping on a budget and cooking every meal at home, and I'm enjoying getting the extra sleep and spending time with the dogger. This week I'm going to spend a good chunk of time at the gym, hang out with some of my stay-at-home mom friends that I don't get to see very often, and read Michael P0llan's new book. Oh yeah, and try to remain positive. And cook. :)

So losing my job wasn't exactly what I was planning on for 2008, but maybe I can make the best of it.

Weigh In

Down .2 again this week. For a grand total of 2.8 in my first three weeks back on track. I'm not gonna lie - I'm kind of bummed. I've really been working hard and to see these tiny losses these past two weeks is sort of disheartening. I've been working my butt off in the gym and I've been diligent about counting everything I put in my mouth.

Now I haven't been perfect, my dad was in town over the weekend and we went to the mountains, meaning we ate out pretty much every single meal over the weekend. But I made relatively good choices, and I counted everything, so I thought I would be okay. AND - we went snowshoeing for a good chunk of the day on Saturday, which was pretty tough and burned a ton of calories.

Anyway, I'm hopeful that maybe I'll get a whoosh next week, and I'm going to keep at it, but it's just sort of disappointing when I've been working so hard. I actually had a mini Milky Way today and I think it was sort of just to spite myself. How stupid is that?

In other news, I went to my first kickboxing class last night, and it was hardcore! I was sweating my ass off and I have absolutely coordination, so my roundhouse kicks were pretty lame looking, but I had a great time. It was nice to change it up a bit, and my muscles are definitely feeling it. And it's fun to imagine kicking someone's ass - sort of gets the aggression out. Not that I need that or anything. ;)

It's going to be tough for me to make the class because of the time it starts and my work obligations, but I'm going to try to do it once a week or so moving forward. Here's hoping next week the scale shows more of a loss. :)

Weigh In

Down .2 lbs today. Not exactly what I was hoping for this week but at least it's in the right direction. Did not want to go to the gym after work because I'm still sore from Monday, work sucked and I'm tired, but I powered through and did my workout. Glad it's out of the way.

Food was rough today - went out for lunch with some coworkers and got a half a caprese sandwich and a small salad, then I went back and logged on to count my points and realized it was a 17 point lunch. Um yah.

I've done this about a million times over the years and could tell you the points of pretty much half of the food on the planet without even thinking twice, yet I can't figure out that I probably shouldn't eat so much for lunch. I guess it's called denial.

Also had some interesting conversations about body image with my coworkers and we pretty much came to the consensus that almost every woman we know (in her late 20's, early 30's at least) would like to be one to two dress/pant sizes smaller.

How sad is that? And we work in Boulder, CO, one of the fittest cities in the entire nation. I mean everywhere I look I only see beautiful people. Still, nobody is happy. Sucks.

For me, I'm just trying to remain positive while doing something to improve my health/lose weight/become all around fitter. Some days the positive thing is really effing hard, but I guess all I can do is try. And not let the stupid scale get me down.

Cardio?

Hello! Hope everyone is well. I am doing great - am under flex points for the week and worked out six out of seven days this past week. I peeked at the scale yesterday and I was actually up a pound. WTF? I'm sure it's my muscles holding water and blah blah blah but I'm still motivated by numbers at this stage. We'll see what the official weigh in tomorrow says though, so who knows.

Anyway, I met with the trainer last night and he worked my ass hard! I am majorly sore tonight. And I'm sure I'll be worse tomorrow. We were talking about cardio though and I'm not sure what to think. I know there are sort of two schools of cardio - interval and steady state. Interval seems to be the new thinking lately from everything I've read, and he agrees with that as well, but he also wants me to do lots of steady state too in order to improve my baseline fitness level.

Even though I ran that half marathon in October, my fitness level when it comes to cardio could be a lot better. So he wants me to aim for 200 minutes of cardio a week, and that will include both interval and cardio work. 200 minutes is a lot though, especially when I'm also doing an hour of weight training 3x/week. Basically, that is 380 minutes of exercise a week.

So just over six hours of exercise a week. Writing it out doesn't seem like all that much, but actually making it happen seems like quite a lot. I mean I like it and I know I can do it, especially if weekend cardio is like snowshoeing or other fun stuff like that, but I'm sort of scared about my ability to commit to this.

So what do you guys think? How much do you exercise in any given week. Am I being a baby?

Weigh In

Woo to the hoo! Lost 2.4 this week. Not as much as my sister's 6. effing 5, but a good loss nonetheless.

I've also worked out every day this week and I get to sleep in tomorrow because I have a doctor's appointment at 9:30, so I'm a happy camper all around. Although I think I am slightly addicted to my new popcorn popper. As I told my husband though, it's better than being addicted to bon bons.

Does anyone even eat bon bons?

Argh. Day six and I've kind of had a meltdown. Okay not really a meltdown but this was the first day I really struggled. Mentally I freaking struggled.

I got a good night's sleep, had a good breakfast and lunch but then afternoon hit and of course it was the work birthday celebration and my HR Director got effing German Chocolate Cheesecake from the Factory of Cheesecake. Devil Woman.

I caved and split a piece with our marketing coordinator. Then I had a mini Milky Way. WTF? This was after I declined pizza for lunch in favor of a veggie sandwich. I think there were just too many temptations and I was missing sugar and I just lost it. I guess I could have had some tea or taken a walk or done any of those things they tell you to do when a craving hits. But I didn't. I ate the cheesecake.

After that, I was tempted to just say fuck it and go home and crack a bottle of wine, especially when my new trainer called and asked why I missed our appointment last night (I thought it was tonight). Dammit.

But, I persevered, forced myself to go to the gym and do my workout and now I'm home watching the Biggest Loser. I had a frozen meal for dinner, which may cause me to retain some water for my weigh in tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to see a loss even with the stupid cheesecake. I really need to see the scale move right now. I'm not completely relying on it as a barometer of my success, but I have got to get out of the decade I'm in. Got to.

This is when it starts to get hard. When the shiny newness of my routine wears off and now I just have to slog through it every day. But this is when these little changes start to make a difference, and when these new routines start to become habits. I can do this. Even when it sucks and I screw up, I can do it.

The Kitchen is Closed!

I have spent the better part of the day surrounded by food. In a good way though, not in the diving head-first into a vat of Oreos way that has marked the previous month or so.

This morning the boy and I got up and make breakfast sandwiches using some of the only remaining items in our refrigerator - eggs, mozzarella cheese, spinach and whole wheat english muffins. Delicious and a yummy protein-packed way to start the day.

After brekkie, I sat down and planned out meals for the week and headed to the grocery (where I saw the man who cut my hair when I was a kid - WEIRD - I totally avoided him And yes I am totally anti-social.)

After a very successful and fairly easy shopping trip (I only had to peruse the pages of UsWeekly for about 3 minutes in line), I came home and made chicken salad (shredded chicken breasts, grapes, celery, walnuts and low fat mayo) to put in whole wheat wraps for lunches, helped the boy take down Christmas decorations and declutter the house, and then started in making this month's Cooking Light's version of Salmon Croquettes, which turned out to be fantastic. And I feel so virtuous with my Omega Fatty Acids doin' their thang inside of me now.

Overall the weekend was a good one - I got relaxed, got some exercise, ate well and planned for the week. If only we had one more day to go see movies (saw Juno yesterday, fantastic for those of you who haven't seen it yet).

Tonight I'm going to veg in front of the TV, make some tea and catch up on blogs. If you're so inclined, here's the salmon croquette recipe.

1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon chopped fresh dill (they were out at the store so I used what I had in my spice drawer)
3 tablespoons light mayonnaise
1/2 teaspoon grated lemon rind
1/2 teaspoon black pepper (I like more)
1 (15-ounce) can salmon
1 egg white
5 tablespoons dry breadcrumbs
Cooking spray

To prepare croquettes, combine flour and the next 6 ingredients (through egg white) and 3 tablespoons breadcrumbs. Divide mixture into 4 equal portions, shaping each into a 1/2 inch thick patty. Refrigerate for 1 hour. Place remaining breadcrumbs on a plate; dredge patties in breadcrumbs.

Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Coat pan with cooking spray. Add patties to pan; cook 9 minutes on each side or until golden (it only took me about 7 minutes each side). Serve with tartar sauce.

Yield: 4 servings (about 4 points or 200 calories per patty if you're interested).

This came with a tartar sauce recipe too, but I just made my own with a little lowfat mayo, some dill relish, lemon juice and black pepper. Served with fresh green beans, this was a yummy, healthy dinner.

Looking back on the day, I realize it sounds like I had a lot of contact with lowfat mayo today, but I'm okay with it. Better that than the aforementioned vat of oreos.

:)

Two..

Hello! Whew. I made it through this day. Not without some crying, but ultimately I made it through.

This morning I had to literally drag myself out of bed, I was so tired. I think I'm still recovering from the holidays to some extent, but I also remember this super tired feeling that I get when I'm on the healthy eating train. I know it takes a good night's sleep to help promote weight loss, but for some reason I feel like I need even more when I'm living a more healthy lifestyle. I swear I could sleep nine hours a night if I had the time.

Anywho, I had to go out to lunch with a colleague, but I persevered and got the soup and salad. BORING. But it was actually pretty good and I felt good about my decision afterward. I also did 45 min on the dreadmill and had the rest of my veggie chili from last night for dinner.

The crying part we'll just skip over because I'm trying to focus on the positive right now, so that's another story for another time.

Tomorrow the weekend comes, and that will be a test for sure. I'd like to lay low and watch movies, but some social engagement or another always seems to come up. I just need to keep repeating positive statements and reaffirming why I want to do this, and I know I'll be okay. 21 days to a habit right?

Crawling Back

Tail between legs.

Bleh. So I know I haven't been around in a while. Looks like a really long while. And I feel bad about it. Scratch that - I felt bad about it. But I'm done with the guilt and and just going to crawl my way back on the wagon kicking and screaming. If not now, when?

The bad news is - I'm not at a happy weight. At all. And it's not just the number on the scale. It's the way my clothes fit and the way I'm not as strong as I was and the way I don't have the stamina for exercise I once did.

The good news is - I think I'm ready to do something about it. I could come up with a bazillion excuses about why December was so hard for me - work stress, best friend's wedding, travel, holidays, etc. (okay so I just did) but I'm trying to just set that shit free right now.

Like lots of others today, I decided to hit the WW web site and get back to the basics. I know there are tons of debates going on right now about what's a diet and what's not a diet and the best way to approach weight loss and getting fit and all of that, but for me I know tracking through WW online is a powerful tool. I don't let it rule my life, but I do let it guide me. So I'm going to go back to tracking every day. My first goal is to try Core for one week. ONE WEEK. If I can't handle it or don't like it, I will go back to Flex. Either way, I will track my food and make good choices, including eating at least five servings of fruits and veggies a day.

I also took the step of meeting with a new trainer last week, and I had my second session with him today. Working out with a trainer really helped me the last time I lost a good chunk of weight, so I'm excited to get going with that again. Working out has never been hard for me because I love doing it, but I need to get in a consistent, positive routine. So my goal for working out is to hit the gym at least four times a week, and go snowboarding at least 7 more times this season, and go snowshoeing at least 5 more times this season.

The last thing I'm going to work on is posting here to make myself more accountable. I'd like to post meals every day like some bloggers do, but I also don't know if that's realistic given my previous attempts, and I'm not big on setting goals I know I can't achieve.

I've written some private goals, and I've posted these here, so I think I'm off to a good start. Today was a painful sugar withdrawal, and I'm sure tomorrow will be hard too, but I know I will easily fall back into good habits if I can just get through these first couple of days.

Meals were:

B - shredded wheat cereal, green tea
L - spinach salad w/ olive oil/balsamic, strawberries, sweet potato
S - banana and nonfat latte
D - Amy's veggie chili
S - popcorn

Thanks so much to you all for keeping up with your blogs and continuing to write - knowing you're all out there doing a great job really helps strengthen my resolve. Here's to a happy and healthy 2008!

Ping!

"You're pretty good at ping pong for a girl."

LOL - that's what I heard at work today. And no, sadly, it was not in reference to me. It was a coworker.

So I haven't really talked about my new job that much here except to say that I'm working a lot, but the good news is, it's at a little start-up type company and we are growing really fast, so we just moved into a new office.

Part of the move included acquiring a ping pong table, meaning there is a ton of competition and game play happening after work and during lunch breaks and what not. And of course, the boys (ahem, men) are super competitive.

I'm definitely into it too though, I'm not going to lie. The sad thing is I'm not that good, and I'm trying really hard not to feel that "last kid picked for the team" type of feeling, but sometimes I still feel inadequate because I'm just not a ping pong pro. I sort of secretly want to stay late one day and practice so I can get better, but of course that takes a partner to play with so then I'd have to tell somebody and we can't have that.

There are only four females in my office right now, and I'm probably the third best. Not that I'm ranking us or anything though of course. Heh.

Anyway, no matter how good or bad I am, it's fun to have something to get me out of my chair and get rid of that sedentary feeling I get after staring at my computer for hours upon end. But it is on. It is so on. I'm off to do some reading about strategy now. ;)

Dinner

So this weekend - blah. I had a shower for one of my good friend's at my house on Saturday and it involved lots of wine, too many snacks and some pizza. Then yesterday, for no apparent reason, I just ate crap all day. Bleh.

This morning I pulled it together and went to the gym and I've had a great day so far. I even made a pretty yummy dinner. I've made this a couple of times - you can really do any kind of pasta you have around the house and any cheese too, but today I used fettuccine and asiago cheese.

Chop up about 8 cups of fresh spinach (this is a lot, but you get your veggies in this way!)
Add 1 can of rinsed white beans, a couple of tablespoons olive oil, some asiago cheese, fresh pressed garlic, and the fettuccine. Mix together, top with a little extra Parmesan and you have yourself a lovely, healthy meal.

So I think I just needed to complain a little last night, and I'm glad I got it out, because I think I'm over it. I feel much better today. I had a good eating day today - avoided ice cream and two potentially negative food situations.

I also made it to the gym tonight, just a short interval workout on the treadmill, but it is truly amazing how getting your heart rate up for even just a little bit improves your mood.

So I'm doing some work with some high school students right now and today we met a few of them to discuss what we're doing. For a half an hour I sat and talked to a high school senior, an incredibly intelligent girl who is definitely going places.

During the half hour we talked, she consumed the following:

2 large slices of cheese pizza
One peach smoothie
Two squares of chocolate.

I assume this was approximately 1000 - 1100 calories by the looks of it all.

And this girl was a twig! Now she also plays tennis and is going through some serious growth and probably has the metabolism of a hummingbird. But wow. It made me realize just what a screwed up relationship I have with food. If I sat and ate what she just ate, I would have flogged myself and felt guilty for the entire rest of the day. I'm trying to let go of that type of behavior, but it isn't always easy.

I hope so much for that girl that she can maintain a normal relationship with food. That she doesn't gain weight, and then lose it and then do it again and again and again. That no asshole calls her fat when she's really not. That she loves and is loved, no matter what her body size.

I truly hope that for her, and for me too, and all of you guys too.

Ta ta - I'm off to watch some skinny people act like doctors. :)

Lonely Wednesday

Lonely right now. Husband is out of town and the days at work are long. I race home to spend some time with my poor little dog (who is also lonely I think) but then when I get here I wonder why I was in such a hurry. Because it's just me. Just me and a frozen dinner. And my little dog.

Gym time is basically non existent because I can't bear the idea of leaving the little guy by himself for one more minute. He even went to daycare today, but they close at 7 so I had to head back to Denver right after work instead of hitting the gym. Blah blah excuses but it really is hard to find the time, and motivation, when work is so crazy and the commute sucks so bad and I have another little life (even if it is just a dog) relying on me.

I am doing okay - I lost 1.4 last week and I think I should go down another pound or so this week too - but I just don't feel excited about it. I don't feel like woo hoo I'm kicking ass and I have my weight loss mojo and I'm totally focused and rah rah rah woo hoo carrots. I don't feel it.

I think I'm just sick of doing this. I'm sick of losing the same 15 lbs. And then gaining it. And then having to lose it again.

I'm sick of thinking about it and worrying about it and having it be such a huge part of my identity.

I want it just to be easy to not have to think about it and for the weight to just come off and finally just stay off once and for all.

But I know that's not going to happen. I know I'll always have to think about it. Always. As in - forever always. So right now, I'm thinking about it, but not too much. I'm almost on autopilot. And yes, for this week, and maybe next week, I'm doing okay and the numbers are moving in the right direction. Hopefully I can keep that happening, but I need to find that groove.

I need to find the mojo kick ass woo hoo carrots groove. I know I'll get it back at some point. But if I can keep faking it, and keep losing a pound a week while I'm at it, I think that's okay with me too.

November is Here

Hello! Hope you all had a fantastic Halloween. Mine was okay - my husband is out of town so I hung with some friends and handed out candy, but it just didn't feel the same without him around.

I didn't go to WW this week, but I may try to scoot over there tomorrow during work. I'm sure it will be a maintain/gain, but I am just doing the best I can right now so I'm okay with that.

This week I've been listening to the book Skinny Bitch on CD during my commute (which is a horrid 45 minutes each way on a good day) and I thought I'd give you all a little review here.

I didn't realize it when I bought it, but this book is predominately about becoming vegetarian/vegan. According to the sassy narrator, the only way to become a so-called "Skinny Bitch" is to completely abolish all animal meat and products from your diet.

It's interesting really, and for a couple of days I was seriously considering going vegan for a little while to see what happened. I know this subject could potentially be very controversial, and I don't want to get into all of that here, but I do like the idea of removing animal products from my diet.

I was vegetarian in high-school and college for a number of years, but added meat back into my diet because I wasn't getting enough protein. To be honest, I was what they call a "7-11 vegetarian." That means I wasn't good about substituting plant foods for animal foods. Instead, I just substituted crap foods for animal foods, and of course I gained weight during that time and I felt like crap too.

I haven't reintroduced red meat at all since that time and I have no plans to. In fact, I'd say I have at least 3-4 vegetarian days per week, as I just don't like eating meat all that much. That's what they call a "flexetarian."

But removing meat from my diet occasionally isn't going to prevent factory farming, and it isn't going to really help cleanse my body of all of the crap antibiotics and other shit that goes into meat and animal products these days.

Becoming a vegan is a huge commitment though. I mean huge. And frankly, selfishly, I just don't know if I can handle that commitment right now. Or ever. I wish I could, but I can readily admit that I can't.

The book did get through to me on a number of levels though, and I have been thinking about cleaning up my diet in terms of reducing animal products, sugar and sugar substitutes. Specifically, I've decided to cut out all sugar substitutes, at least for a little while.

This means no more aspartame. No more Splenda. No more diet soda, no more sugar free energy drinks, no more fake desserts. It's going to be hard because I rely on these things a lot on WW, but I know this will be good for my body. I know I do not need to be putting all that chemical crap in me.

I started on Tuesday, and so far, it hasn't been that bad. I've ordered iced tea at restaurants, no soda, and I haven't really missed it. I may miss it moving forward, but at this point, I feel truly good about my decision to eliminate this shit from my diet.

A couple of days is one thing, but forever is another, so I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I'm enjoying a nice glass of red wine tonight. No aspartame in that right? :)

Anyway, the book was interesting and informative and I may well adopt some of the practices it suggests, but not all of them. It did open my eyes to all of the processed crap and other shit I've been putting into my body, so all in all, I think it was a great thing to be exposed to.

Now I'm off to watch my recorded Biggest Loser and hit the sack early. Bye!