27

So Christmas. It was good. It was fantastic. I love my family so much. And my husband. So so much.

Unfortunately, I have not been on the wagon and I hate to say it, but it's just another year of me falling on my face during the holiday season. I do not handle it well. I love Christmas, but the stress this time of year brings, coupled with darkness, and this year the blizzard and the incident (see last post), just does me in. I have a million excuses, but the bottom line is I've fucked it up in the weight loss department. Again. Meh.

The first official married Christmas with the boy was amazing. It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtful and caring he can be. He really just wants me to be happy, which I love. And I know its hard for him to see me wallowing in self-pity and despair like I have been the past couple of weeks. So tomorrow is my birthday, and the boy is off buying himself a new video game console, so I'm thinking this is probably a good time for me to do some thinking about what exactly I'm looking for in my 27th year.

I think part of the reason I'm in a funk right now is because I am all out of big events to look forward to. 2006 was an incredible year for me, and I'll probably do a recap post in a couple of days, but to sum it up, I got engaged, I got bought my first home, I got married and I made a ton of progress on myself both mentally and physically. The fact that all those things have already happened though, means I'm sort of left without anything to anticipate. Of course I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I don't have that one defining event that I"m working toward the way I sort of did with my wedding. I mean don't get me wrong, my whole life is not about being a wife, but the wedding was just something I could set my sights on. And then I had Christmas, and my birthday. But now those things will be over too and the thought of having to get back to work and just live my boring life kind of makes me sad. It's really silly too, because I have an awesome life. I have a great husband that loves me and a cool little dogger and a fairly decent job that I enjoy for the most part.

Something just seems missing though, and I think that something is me finally coming to peace with my mental issues around food and exercise and my body. So in my 27th year, that's what I really want to do. And I don't want to hinge that on losing weight. Because I know that even if I do lose every single ounce I want to lose and hit my goal weight and look fabulous and am running marathons every damn day, I'm not going to be happy unless I make peace with my body image issues.

Unfortunately days like last week don't help. And days like today, where I went to Nordy's to try on some hot little jeans that I could barely get up over my big ass don't help either. So I think it's finding a happy medium. I think it's being mindful of the food I put in my mouth. It's realizing that I do want to lose some weight and I will have to make a few sacrifices (alcohol and dessert just to name a few). It's also realizing that if I slip up, or have bad days once in a while, that's going to be okay. Just as long as I don't let it get out of control the way I have this past couple of weeks. And as long as I don't let my relationship with food effect every single other aspect of my life. I need NOT to be thinking about what my next meal will be every minute, and whether it will be a healthy or an unhealthy choice, and how what I eat will effect the rest of my day.

I know it takes a lot of practice and a lot of dedication and hard work, but I want this year to be the year it really becomes a habit. The year eating right just comes naturally and I don't have to worry about it so much. I have about 30 lbs to go before I hit my goal weight. Honestly, that isn't that much. I want this year to be the year I get there. I want to spend my 28th birthday eve thinking about what ELSE I'm going to do instead of what I should have done. Like I said, I've achieved a lot this year, but I'm not there yet.

I guess my blog title still applies. I'm still becoming my future me. In fact, I probably always will be.

Right now I need to think about what it's going to take to get me through the rest of December. Tomorrow is my birthday. I plan to go to the gym in the morning to start the morning off right. I have a lunch out with the girls, and then happy hour with a friend who's in town, then dinner reservations with the boy and my sister and her boyfriend, but the restaurant is a surprise. I will make good choices at both restaurants, but I will be indulging a bit I'm sure and having some alcohol to boot.

After my birthday and the New Year's celebrations have come and gone, I'll start a new program, along with millions of other folks. This will be the same program I've been on, but it will just be a kick start for me to get into the new year. It will include lots of vegetables and working out and other things too. I'll write about it more once it commences. In the meantime, I'm going to try to enjoy my b-day tomorrow and get out of this stupid funk. Hope you all had an excellent holiday.

Jeni