Here it goes again

What the hell is wrong with me? Last night I was awakened by a sneak allergy attack. Coughing, sneezing, snotting, all that lovely stuff. I don't mind that stuff so much because I know I can just run to Target (say it the french way) and pick up my drug of choice. What I do mind is that once I woke up, my mind was racing, mostly with thoughts on food and working out and fatness and swimsuits and all that crap until at least 5, if not later.

I don't know what the deal is right now. If I'm looking at myself, I know I'm at least 15 lbs over my "happy weight" right now, and to be honest with you, that wasn't really a happy weight either. I thought I'd give this slow carb thing a try, but I've decided to abandon it because frankly, I sucked at it. I had a couple of days where I did it perfectly, but the monotony and stringent rules of a plan like that don't work for me. You'd think I would know this by now, but I guess I don't. I don't even like egg whites, and I've been eating them every morning. Choking them down. And that is no way to live, even if it is only for four weeks.

Last night at dinner, I had more than one bite of the oatmeal whoopie pie dessert that my husband picked out (as usual, the eating habits of a five year old). And then I berated myself for the rest of the night for not "sticking to the plan."

Excuse my french, but fuck that. I cannot do this to myself for the rest of my life. I know what works for me and for some reason I'm doing everything but that. I'm having super clean eating days, and then I'm blowing them with crazy weekends that start on Thursday and go until Sunday. There is no moderation in my life right now. It just seems to be one extreme or the other.

So today I am starting something different. It's April 1, spring is here (even though it's still freaking cold here) and I want to drop at least these 15 lbs. That should put me back squarely in a size 12 dress, which is the size I'd like to be when I'm a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding at the end of June. The good news is, we're wearing black and get to pick out our own dresses, so I have some time before I have to order what I want.

I think I'm going to try tracking my calories on Spark People again for a bit just to see where I am, but for the most part I'm just going to go back to what was working for me in the fall of '06 before my wedding. Lots of veggies, limiting sugar and alcohol but mostly just taking care with what I eat. Giving my body healthy, nourishing foods. I can do this. I want to do this and I will do this.