Thinking to Do

Hi. Long time no write. Mostly because I've been waffling about what I'm going to do. Not just about my life and my future and my career. I'm waffling day-to-day, about what goes in my mouth and what kind of workouts I'm doing and mostly I've been struggling. Somehow I can't get it moving and even though I know what the right choices are, I can't seem to make them. 

We went to Maryland over the weekend for a wedding and had a fantastic time, but looking back on it and the choices I made I think it's time I acknowledge I have some major issues with food. I mean, I guess I've known this all along, but I really need to figure out why I do the things I do. Why I sabotage any success I might have. Why I use any occasion, small or big, as an excuse to binge. This weekend I ate starburst, cheez-its, chicken strips, french fries, red velvet cake, ice cream and who knows what else, just because I was on "vacation." No other reason. Ridiculous. I came back weighing at least 5 more lbs than I did when I left. It all started the night before we left, with a giant falafel sandwich. And pretty much went straight downhill from there. 

So what is it? What are my motivations? What is behind this? Is it food addiction? Yes. Is it self-medication? Yes. Is it pure boredom? Yes. I know these things. Yet I cannot CAN. NOT. for the life of me figure out how to stop myself in the moment. How to take a step back and say, do NOT put that in your mouth. Do not continue opening Starbursts like a zombie, without even thinking about it, and put them in your mouth. Actually I can figure out how to say it, because even as I'm partaking in these bad behaviors I'm thinking I shouldn't be doing it, yet I still go ahead and do it. My brain thinks "no, no, no" and my mouth goes "yes, yes, yes." 

And I don't know how to stop it. All I can do for right now is get back on the wagon, yet again, and try to keep going. It think I feel like if I keep trying, just keep trying, no matter how many times I fail at this, one of these days I'll succeed. Today I'm feeling bloated, and gross, and like I want to do something drastic. But I know drastic never works for me, so I'm just going to go back to my normal eating habits, my HEALTHY eating habits. I'm eating nourishing, whole foods and I'm giving my body what it wants. 

I just don't want to go through another year where all I think about is the weight I'm not losing and the weight I should be losing. I really want to hit my goal weight. And if I really want it, and know how to do it, it should be attainable. It will be attainable. I'm going to keep trying, day in and day out. In the meantime I thin I've got a lot of thinking to do. 

I AM FINE

Okay I am fine. I have gained some pounds and am having trouble getting on track but really, I am fine. I have been to the gym every day this week. I had a salad for lunch because I was craving greens. So really, I am fine. I have to keep telling myself this because I can see where I'm going, I can see how I'm falling and I need it not to happen. I need not to gain weight and in fact I need to lose 15-20 more lbs forever. And ever. I am going to be fine. I need to make sure I'm fine. 

We decided to go to the mountains for the weekend and stay at the boy's parent's house. i think it's good. It'll be just the two of us and the dogger. I think we need the time together, and I think it'll be good for me to remove myself from some of the social situations that have been causing me to overdo it on the food and alcohol front. Tonight we'll probably just stay in, cook something easy. Tomorrow we're going to get up and go snowshoeing, which is always a butt-kicker. I don't know about tomorrow night, I guess we're just going to find someplace up in the mountains to go eat, although we may end up staying in again as it's sure to be packed with tourists given it's President's Day weekend. 

Anyway, I'm hoping I can pull it together and have a good weekend. I know just a couple of good days in a row will really help me get to a better place mentally. And that's what I need right now.

Hopefully It Lives Up to Its Name

I took a pregnancy test today. 

It's so weird how I've been doing all this waffling back and forth about how soon I want to get pregnant and whether or not I'm ready and this and that and then, things started happening and I thought, well maybe I'll just be pregnant and I won't have planned for it and that's how it'll be. 

Let me back up. So since we've been back from Singapore, I've been trying to go back on my food plan (aka not eat everything in sight) but I've been having a really hard time sticking to it. Meaning I think I've gained a couple of pounds. Actually I know it. Then my boobs started getting sore. Really sore. Painfully sore. Then I started getting emotional about some things. And last night, some little thing just clicked in the back of my head and I thought, shit, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm fat and hormonal and pregnant. 

So what did I do? Pretty much the stupidest thing in the world. I got on the Internets. And I started reading. And self-diagnosing. Now I have an IUD or IU whatever they are calling it these days. It's the Mirena and it's supposed to be 99% effective at preventing pregnancy. Wouldn't you know it though, there are lots of ladies on the good old world wide web that have gotten pregnant even with this sucker in place. Lots. And they have stories. Lots and lots of stories. So I started reading the stories and thinking hmmm, maybe I'm one of these stories.

I stayed up way too late, tossed and turned and had visions of babies dancing in my head. I was scared and sort of freaked out but part of me, and I don't think it was that little of a part, was kind of excited. So I got up this morning, went straight to Safeway and purchased the error proof test. 

I didn't even make coffee because I thought, well, if I am pregnant I'm going to have to give up caffeine. Nevermind the massive amounts of alcohol I consumed all weekend. What can I say, I thought I had pregnant brain. Already using it as an excuse. 

Moving on. 

I came home and put some eggs on to boil. I peed. I looked. I wasn't pregnant. 

And it's fine, I'm glad I'm not pregnant because I wasn't planning on that yet and I would have been freaking out about my alcohol consumption and my arthritis medication and a host of other things, so it's good, but part of me, part of me was really sad too. 

So now what? Does that mean that I'm more ready than I thought? Am I really just hormonal and on some kind of period that really isn't a period and that's why I'm bloated and my boobs hurt? I don't know. I am going to think about it and process it all and try to understand what I'm feeling. I think it's important to try to take a step back and observe my reactions and figure out what they mean. I'm certainly not rushing to make an appointment to get the goalie removed. But I'm not so scared anymore. My husband and I will make this decision together and whatever and whenever we decide, it'll be fine.

In the meantime, I need to get my shit together and stop letting things slide on the weekends. I need to cut way back on my alcohol intake. I'm not in college anymore and this is getting ridiculous. Being healthy is important to me and I need to make it a priority. Right now today. 

The Jobless Wonder

I am trying really hard to get back in the blogging groove. Why is this hard for me? I like reading. I like writing. It's not like I don't have the time right now. So it's morning and I'm going to try a morning-time post. 

Remember how I was all "oh pilates, that class was crap, etc. etc. complain complain."? Well yeah, my abs are ridiculously sore today. So I guess even though I hated the class, at least I got some good ab work in. Enough that it made turning over in bed last night quite a process. 

This morning I'm doing my usual no-job routine, which is to say get up, check email, blogs, twitter, etc. and see if there are any new job postings. There aren't. Make some hard-boiled eggs and coffee for breakfast. Give the dogger a little bit of leftover egg. Realize that probably wasn't a good idea in terms of the assault on my nose. Blog (this one is new). Take the dog on a walk, come back, go to the gym. Home, shower, more Internet and lunch and then figure out how to spend the afternoon. Usually it's some combination of cleaning/washing something and then some errand outing. 

Ugh. Looking at it written out it looks so pathetic. I think I need a job. My brain is melting. I miss having interaction with people. I miss getting creative. But the economy is what it is, and I will find a job if I can and in the meantime, I will try to do things I love and enjoy this time. I will read more books. Lots of books. I will figure out what to do with my travel blog. And I will go see Twilight (tonight!) because I still haven't seen it. 

I weighed myself again this morning and I'm still up. The gain does not seem to be going away. I'm resolved to have a low calorie day today. Which means no chocolate. I can do one day with no chocolate for crying out loud. The movie will be hard, but I will survive. 

I guess since I'm sooooo busy I better get moving. Have a good day everyone.