Q&A

First, I'm not even going to discuss Thanksgiving. It wasn't good. I'll leave it at that. Why do I use family time as an excuse to stuff my face? I suck. Moving on.

Anne and Jodi both did this on their blogs today and I thought I'd follow suit. Here are the answers to a few questions about why I'm losing weight.

1. Why are you trying to lose weight?

Wow. I could go on and on. But mostly because I want to be at a healthy weight - a weight where I'm not worried about getting Type II diabetes and a weight where I feel comfortable in my own skin. A weight where I can run and be active and not have to worry about what all the extra poundage is doing to my joints. And, if we're being honest here, so I can buy ridiculously expensive jeans and look hot in them.

2. Do you have a reward for yourself once you reach goal?

I've tried the rewards thing before - a manicure for ten pounds, etc. - but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I know I'll go shoppping when I hit my goal, and maybe I should think about doing something a little more serious, but for right now I don't have a specific reward in mind. It's sad to say, but sometimes my goal seems so far off that I can't even imagine what I'd want as a reward when I finally get there. I know I should think positively about it though. Maybe I should do like a trip to a spa or something, a really fancy one, as a reward. I guess I'll have to think about that one a little more.

3. What food do you wish had zero calories and zero fat?

OMG a lot of stuff, but mostly ice cream. I love ice cream and could seriously eat it ever day. Mmmmm......

4. As you lose weight, what do you find yourself enjoying more?

I'd have to agree with the other bloggers out there that I love shopping. I always hated it when the only place I could shop was LB or other big girl shops. It was so discouraging to go into the regular shops and just look at clothes, and maybe try on an XL shirt in one of them only to have it be too tight. Ugh. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I still can't buy clothes everywhere, but I'm getting closer.

As far as other things I find myself enjoying more - going out with friends is definitely one. Denver is a decent sized city, but I can be sure that if I go out downtown with friends on a Saturday night I'll see either someone from high school or college. Sometimes that's great, but sometimes it's mortifying. It's getting better though.

5. What's your new favorite low fat food/treat?

I don't know that they are low fat specifically, but I have a few staples when it comes to being on plan. And by on plan I mean eating right, working out and in losing mode. My favorites include wheat bread with peanut butter, spinach salads and salmon. As far as treats go, I'm a big fan of small bites of the good stuff rather than eating a bunch of fake crap. It just never satisfies me and I always end up eating more than I should.

Okay that's it for now I guess. It's snowing here and the boy is stuck in traffic, so I'm in for a dinner of scrambled eggs and chopped bell peppers by myself. I'm so gourmet. Have a good one!

Monday

Feh. Up a half pound from last week. I guess I should have known that the seven pound loss wouldn't have lasted. I'm just glad I'm only up a half a pound this week instead of more. I'm still mostly on track, although I had a little too much wine over the weekend and that's probably what led to the gain. It's weird how disappointing it is though. Like I knew it was coming, but it still sucks. When you try so hard, you expect to be skinny all the sudden. Right away dammit!

Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and the foodfest sort of terrifies me and excites me at the same time. We're headed to Texas to see my dad and the roadtrip always always means lots of fast food and crap. I haven't figured out what my plan is yet. I probably should have a plan but I don't.

Work is blah. Monday blues I guess. Trying to keep trying.

Fat and Salt and Sugar

I want a big fat burrito with cheese and sour cream. And then some ice cream for desert. Argh! Really I'm just trying out beta. But I also just wanted to complain for a minute. It's weird, even when I have an awesome weigh-in, or maybe especially when I have an awesome weigh-in, I just can't wait to go and fuck it all up. I am CRAVING Mexican food big time. It's killing me. Maybe I just haven't been getting enough fat.

I'm not even going to attempt to make a low fat version of what I really want, because I know that just won't do. Instead I'm making a baked potato with broccoli and I'm going to mix up some cottage cheese in the magic bullet until it's all smooth and put that on the top. Now I know that may sound fairly disgusting to you all, but I'm just going to have to do it. It's got fiber, protein and a little fat, and I think it will satiate me. I know it will.

But God, sometimes food isn't just about being satiated. I've been doing great lately, but I'm missing the social fun of food. And the solace I find in food. The comfort of dialing P1zza Hut. The joy of cracking open a bottle of wine and having that and a bag of popcorn for dinner and that's it. I know I wouldn't enjoy how I'd feel afterward, and I'd never resort to it, but I miss it sometimes. Guess we can't be perfect all the time eh. It's going to take a while, maybe forever, to retrain this brain of mine. Luckily I've got nothing but time.

Thin

So - just to clarify, yes I did lose seven pounds this week, but I know most of that was bloat and water weight, so I'm not expecting any miracles next week.

Anywho, I'm watching this documentary on HB0 called Th1n. It follows four women at an eating disorder clinic in Florida and it is incredible to watch. It's strange for me how fascinated I am with eating disorders. I'm overweight, and at times slightly obsessive about my weight, but I've never had a full blown eating disorder and I certainly don't plan to. But I'm still a woman who has serious issues with food, and I guess I can relate to a certain extent.

Food is such a powerful thing. It's amazing the control it can have over people. It can be as bad or worse than any drug out there. In my humble opinion.

Anyway, I don't have a point here, but you should watch it if you get a chance.

172

Yippee! I'm back down to 172. 8 days of clean eating, and I mean seriously clean eating, has its rewards. Seven pounds to be exact. Wow. I could not be happier with this. And I finally hit the gym really hard tonight and burned some calories. My stamina still leaves something to be desired, but I'll get it back. I get it back and I'll do even better.

Before the wedding, I was running a 5K in about 37 minutes, or about a 12 minute mile. Today it took me 42 minutes because I had to stop and walk about four times. I'm okay with that though. It could have been worse.

I'm doing great now, but we'll see what happens when the boy gets home in a couple of days. The real test will be the trip to see my dad for Thanksgiving, a holiday I'm not exactly sure what to think about. I've mentioned trips to see my dad before. Usually they are filled with food, but this time I'm really going to try to nip that in the bud. That's probably a whole nother post for another time though.

So this past week has been great, and even though I hate Mondays, I feel pretty good about stuff right now. Had an awesome dinner of roasted chicken, sauteed zucchini and bell peppers and brown rice after a kick butt workout. Now I'm all settled in on my couch to read blogs and watch Heros and chillax for an hour or two before bed. Have a great night!

All By Myself

Sing it to the tune of the sappy love song people. And if you don't know the song, then consider yourself lucky. So my husband, aka the boy, has been in China for a week now. And I've taken that week to get back on track eating wise. Quite fabulously I might add. As I mentioned previously, I'm changing my official weigh-in day to Monday's, but I'm confident I will be very happy with my progress via the scale tomorrow. Workouts aren't exactly back on track yet, but I'm working on it. It will come in time.

It's interesting to me how self-centered I become when I'm in the groove of losing weight. I've heard lots of talk about how women are too worried about everyone else's happiness and we never take time to worry about our own happiness. And if you want to lose weight and get healthy and fit, you have to worry about yourself. You have to say no to favors and decline social invitations and sometimes you have to do things that make people feel uncomfortable.

I've almost been lucky that the boy has been out of town this week, because it's given me a chance to really focus on myself without having to worry about anything else. This weekend has been all about planning and cooking and shopping and I know that probably wouldn't have been the case had he been here. Believe me, I would rather cuddle on the couch with him and a glass of wine than make yet another chicken salad with water as my beverage of choice, but that's not quite as healthy of an option now is it?

Where I really feel the "making other people happy" is not with the boy, because he's so awesome and supportive no matter what I do, but when I'm out in social situations. For the most part I'm a pretty fun gal. I like to go out and have a good time and when I'm out I like to make sure everyone else is having a good time too. But when I'm in the weight loss groove so to be speak, I can't be as worried about whether or not everyone else is having a good time. I am not going to get wasted with you just because you need to let loose. I'm not going to stay up until 2 and sacrifice hours of precious sleep to make sure your party keeps going. I just can't. And I know that sounds selfish and bitchy, but I just need to put myself first right now.

I need to put myself first on Thanksgiving day, at my office Christmas party, and during every single holiday event that happens this year. I need to put myself first, and believe me, you won't even remember that I didn't eat your sugar cookies in a couple of weeks. So please, just let me put myself first. Just for a little while.

P.S. Thanks for the comments about my weight loss jealousy. You guys were right. I talked to her and complimented her and I think we ended up striking up a little weight loss friendship. Nice!

All By Myself

Sing it to the tune of the sappy love song people. And if you don't know the song, then consider yourself lucky. So my husband, aka the boy, has been in China for a week now. And I've taken that week to get back on track eating wise. Quite fabulously I might add. As I mentioned previously, I'm changing my official weigh-in day to Monday's, but I'm confident I will be very happy with my progress via the scale tomorrow. Workouts aren't exactly back on track yet, but I'm working on it. It will come in time.

It's interesting to me how self-centered I become when I'm in the groove of losing weight. I've heard lots of talk about how women are too worried about everyone else's happiness and we never take time to worry about our own happiness. And if you want to lose weight and get healthy and fit, you have to worry about yourself. You have to say no to favors and decline social invitations and sometimes you have to do things that make people feel uncomfortable.

I've almost been lucky that the boy has been out of town this week, because it's given me a chance to really focus on myself without having to worry about anything else. This weekend has been all about planning and cooking and shopping and I know that probably wouldn't have been the case had he been here. Believe me, I would rather cuddle on the couch with him and a glass of wine than make yet another chicken salad with water as my beverage of choice, but that's not quite as healthy of an option now is it?

Where I really feel the "making other people happy" is not with the boy, because he's so awesome and supportive no matter what I do, but when I'm out in social situations. For the most part I'm a pretty fun gal. I like to go out and have a good time and when I'm out I like to make sure everyone else is having a good time too. But when I'm in the weight loss groove so to be speak, I can't be as worried about whether or not everyone else is having a good time. I am not going to get wasted with you just because you need to let loose. I'm not going to stay up until 2 and sacrifice hours of precious sleep to make sure your party keeps going. I just can't. And I know that sounds selfish and bitchy, but I just need to put myself first right now.

I need to put myself first on Thanksgiving day, at my office Christmas party, and during every single holiday event that happens this year. I need to put myself first, and believe me, you won't even remember that I didn't eat your sugar cookies in a couple of weeks. So please, just let me put myself first. Just for a little while.

Jealousy

So, I am doing good. I'm changing my official weigh in to Monday, so I won't post anything here until then, but I think my water weight is off and now I only have a few pounds before I'm back down to where I was before the wedding madness set in. I feel good about it.

I also finally made it back to the gym, although it was pure torture forcing myself to go. Once I got there I kept telling myself, you can stop in five minutes, you can stop in five minutes. I ended up doing the whole 45 on the new ellipticals there and kept my heart rate in the low 150's the whole time. I know it's not a substitute for running, but I think switching it up to the elliptical once in a while is just fine. At least I got through it, right?

The weird thing is, even though my heart rate was up there, I barely sweat at all. Usually I've got buckets of the stuff pouring off of me, and I've even noticed it more since I've gotten in better and better shape. But now that I've taken some time off of working out, my sweat is gone? Weird. I bet it comes back.

Bah, I have about a billion things to say about the eating habits and weight and blah blah blah, but it all has to do with work and I'm terrified to post it here. In a nutshell, I'm having issues and I think it's jealousy because of this woman who has lost about 50 lbs since May and I feel crappy that I can't be more happy for her. She's great and she completely deserves it. But she's getting to the point where she's looking really awesome and tons of people are complimenting her. And I want that. I'm such an evil person.

Holla

I'm back and I'm considering this day 2. Yesterday I finally got back on the wagon. And actually, I sort of slapped the wagon in the face. But looking back on it, I guess I sort of did ease myself back in. It's like I tip toed up to the ledge, but then once I got there I just fucking jumped. You know?

So as of yesterday, I pretty much cut out all sugar and anything refined. I'm chillin with the chicken and the eggs and the veggies and the water and trying to get all the crap out of my system. And I'm okay with it and I'm feeling good and I'm actually happy. Which is sort of a miracle. I'm sort of terrified about getting through the next two months without gaining any weight, so instead my plan is to go the opposite way. That's right, I plan to lose weight over this holiday season, and lose a fairly significant amount. I'm going for at least 12 lbs for January 1. This will put me firmly in the 160's for the new year.

In year's past I've lost weight during the year, sometimes all the way up until October, and then proceeded to gain most of it back during November and December. But not this year. I don't want my grandpa secretly watching how much pie I take at Thanksgiving dinner. I don't want the family Christmas pictures to make me cringe. I don't want to feel sick on the drive back home from Texas because I just stuffed my face with a food from a fast food chain I abhor.

I will plan. I will focus. I will work out and I will eat right and I will kick these upcoming holiday's right in the ass. I turn 27 two days after Christmas and I will not let this next year be another one where I gain and lose weight over and over again.

In other news, the boy went to China for work, so now I'm a lonely newlywed. I miss him more than I usually do when he's gone; I guess it's the newness of the whole marriage thing. I'm trying to use this time to cook and work out and like I said, generally dive back in hardcore, but I just miss him. He's my support system, he's watched me do this about a million times and he's never negative about it. He's always rooting me on and I guess sometimes I don't realize how important it is to have that support behind me. The good news is, my sister is taking the plunge with me, so at least I have her to talk to about the whole weight loss thing while the boy is out of town. And you guys of course!

I'm doing this right now; I really am.

Wagons

For a lot of us in the weight loss game, losing weight isn't a process that just begins and ends. Instead there are ups and downs and good times and bad times. Some of us go days, weeks, months, even years on the wagon. The people who've really figured it out do it for the rest of their lives.

But some of us backslide once in a while. Or maybe even more than once in a while. Sometimes it's a hardcore fall and we gain a lot of weight. Sometimes its that we just quit losing for a period of time and plateau a little. Or maybe our losses slow to a snail's pace. Maybe it's stress, or maybe it's that we're just sick of thinking about it, or maybe it's a planned vacation from the whole thing.

For me, my slip up was the last - a planned vacation. I knew what I was doing. I wanted to do it. And I have gained weight. So when I got back from my honeymoon last week, I had it in my mind that I was going to get back on the wagon and detox and quickly lose the weight I had gained.

I've been doing this for a long time now, practically all of my life I guess, but really focusing on it for at least a couple of years. And ususally, when I fall off the wagon or gain some weight back, I get to a point where I'm just sick of it, I just can't take it any more, and I start again. I've always been able to start again. The problem is that I'm always having to start again.

This year has been the first year where I haven't had to do that. Until now that is. I lost weight slowly and had a few stalls, but I started the year at 195, and as of about a month ago I saw the virgin fat territory, albeit fleetingly, of 170.5. Now, as of this morning I weighed 179. That's an 8.5 lb gain. I can attribute that to a couple of things, carb bloat, beer bloat, travel bloat, lack of sleep, but first and foremost, it's due to lack of exercise and taking in way too many calories. Knowing my body, I think some if I'll get rid of quickly, probably about three pounds, and the rest of it will take some time.

The problem is, I'm having a hard time focusing on what I need to do. Like I said before, in the past, I've always been able to jump right back on the wagon and go with it. But the past couple of days have been hard for me and I've had a really slow start. Take this morning for instance.

Woke up and had a cup of spinach, a banana and some almond butter. Lunch was a salad with a pear and walnuts and some balsamic vinaigrette. So far so good right? I had an apple and two small pieces of dark chocolate for a snack and I was good to go. But I was tired. Tired from the weekend and traveling and the time change and from waking up earlier than I've had to in a long time. Too tired to go to the gym. Too tired. I should have had some protein earlier in the day and I probably wouldn't have been so tired.

Point is, I came home and had a huge dinner and way too much Halloween candy and now I've gone way over my allotted calories for the day and skipped my workout. I should have just come home and had a healthy, well-portioned dinner and been done with it. But for some reason I just can't seem to want it that badly, and that's what really scares me.

What's it going to take for me to get back to that mindset, the mindset where I know I can do it and where I'm taking the steps I need to take to lose this weight? Gaining another pound, another five or ten pounds? Will it be gaining all of the weight back that I've lost this entire year? What's it going to be? Right now I just don't really know.

Cooking

So I made Buckwheat Groats for breakfast this morning. Have you guys ever eaten them? One cup of buckwheat groats, two cups of soy milk, one mashed banana and some cinnamon. Bring to a boil and then let simmer for 15 to 20 minutes. It was...interesting. Not quite as tasty as oatmeal. But judging by the difficulty I had cleaning the pan, that shit is good for my insides if you know what I mean! I don't know if I'll make it again. We'll see.

I'm on kind of a cooking kick now that I've gotten home; eating out so much on our trip sort of got boring and I miss eating home-cooked meals. Not that I'm much of a cook, but I like to have what I like to have, you know? Last night the boy had a steak and mashed potatoes and I had salmon and sweet potatoes. They were delicious, and I love knowing exactly what I'm putting in my mouth.

Tonight we've got a Halloween party to go to and of course I will be the loser with no costume, but I can't put the effort or money into it today. Eh. It will be the first time we've seen all of our friends since the wedding though, so I'm looking forward to that. Hope you all are having a great weekend! I'll leave you with a pic from the wedding!

I'm Back!

And I'm happily married! Thanks to everyone for your well wishes and Alea, you are the sweetest!

The wedding was fantastic. We had so much fun and like everyone says, it flew by. It was everything I could have ever dreamed of and I am so incredibly happy right now. The ceremony was beautiful and the party was rockin and I just had so much fun. I'll post pics when I get some from someone in my family or the photographer, but for now I'll just have to give you a few from the honeymoon in Hawaii.



The honeymoon got off to a rocky start when there was the earthquake in Hawaii. We were at the airport pretty much all day on Sunday the 15th, and then they finally cancelled the flight for good. Luckily the boy is resourceful, and we got another flight early the next morning to Maui. We were exhausted, but so happy to be there.

Our honeymoon was spent laughing and indulging and loving each other. We had so much fun it was ridiculous. I ate a ton, but I also ran on the beach, did sunrise yoga on the beach, swam and snorkeled and rode in a helicopter (and let me tell you, I think fear does burn calories). I'm home now and weighing quite a bit more than I did when I left, but I'm happy with every single thing I did. We got home yesterday and spent the day opening wedding gifts and playing with the dog, and this morning I got up and went straight to the grocery to stock up on fruits and veggies. I'm doing a little bit of detox over the next week or so to see if I can get rid of some of this bloat and water weight, but I know I've definitely gained some fat and I want to get rid of that as well. I've missed you guys so much, and I can't wait to go read about how you've been doing.

Update!

Hey everyone. So sorry I've been gone. The wedding is nuts! Super fun though. Eating is crap, I can't seem to get it under control right now but for some reason I can't really make myself care either. I guess I just need a break from it and right now is the time because I've got so many other things to worry about.

So the wedding - things are going well and I am seriously excited. We have about one million events going on. Thursday the bridesmaids and I are doing nails, and then my dad and co get in town so I'll be doing dinner or some such thing with them. Then Friday morning is a ladies luncheon (and no, I didn't name it that, you can thank my aunt for that). The the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, then Saturday is lots of hair and makeup and beautifying and then the wedding.

On Sunday we will leave early for our honeymoon to beautiful Hawaii! I won't be wearing a bikini, but dammit I will be sitting in the sun enjoying myself. And hopefully taking a helicopter ride.

Anyway, I have to go write thank you notes, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm here and thank you for all of your comments. You guys are the best. If I'm not here before the wedding, I'll be back at the end of October to catch up on all your blogs and I'm sure hit the eating right/exercise thing hardcore again for the final push to the end of the year. Can you say 150's??????

Oh yeah, and I'll have pictures too!

Back

Okay so sorry I had this great news with hitting the virgin fat territory and then I just disappeared. Thank you all for all of the wonderful comments; you don't know how much I appreciate it.

Maybe it's mental, or maybe I'm stressed, but as soon as I hit that number my eating went to shit. I haven't been doing well at all and I'm sorry to say I've definitely gained a few pounds in the past few weeks. With the wedding and work right now, I'm just not able to focus as much as I'd like and I'm struggling a bit.

I had my last fitting of my dress on Tuesday, and I know a few pounds isn't going to make that much of a difference either way. I'm so excited to be getting married and to be wearing that dress. I know I'm going to feel fab no matter what.

Anyway, I have to run to work, but I'll try to write a real post sometime soon. The wedding is nine days away!

VFT

Woo hoo! Virgin fat territory! 170.5 and I am officially the lowest weight I've been since I have no idea when. Probably since I was three or four. :P

It's exciting and super fun and fabulous. Now I just need the 160's! Bring it on though, I can do this. I can! I realize I won't be making my 160 goal by the wedding, which is three weeks from today, but hey, I'm okay with that. I'm happy right now.

I'm also a little nervous, because today is a major shopping outing. We're going to Hawaii for our honeymoon, and I realized last week that pretty much all of my summer clothes are way too big. So I hope I can find some sales with some leftover capris, sun dresses, etc. Also, I need a new swimsuit. And a nightie to wear on my wedding night.

Going to try on revealing clothes such as these is usually a recipe for disaster no matter how happy I am with my body, but today I'm going to do the best I can to keep a positive attitude and just enjoy the fact that I'm fitting in size 12's. I'm really going to do my best to keep it upbeat. Wish me luck.

Stoopid Blogger

I just wrote a whole post and poof, disappeared. I hate you blogger.

Anyway, I was just lamenting about how I'm not feeling well - my lungs are tight and I'm tired and a little dizzy. It all started when I went to work out with the trainer today and he made me do sprints around the basketball court first thing. My lungs got all tight and I just couldn't seem to recover. I spent most of the day coughing at work and just being tired and useless. Eh.

So yeah, I'm considering calling in sick tomorrow. It's so weird, because you know, people get sick, but there's some weird little good girl inside of me that just doesn't want to do it. I'm a total corporate soldier. It's sad. I think I'm going to do it anyway though. I'm just effing tired and I need a day to chill. My teams can handle it without me. I think they'll be fine.

Also, I just wanted to report back on my daily weigh in. I think I'm going to report it here when I post, but my official weigh in will still be Thursday. Or I still might do that ten day average thing. Honestly, I don't think it really matters that much as long as the numbers are moving. Right? Oh well I still like to let you guys know.

Today I was at 172. So 171 is the lowest I can EVER remember being, so I'm still just over one lb away from virgin fat territory. I'm telling you, when I actually see the 160's, I might die. I seriously might die. Just another chunk of numbers to blow through though right?

Oh yeah, I did my wedding hair this weekend - it was fun but I'm sort of glad it's over with and one less thing I have to deal with. I decided to go with it "half up" if you know what I mean. She did a low bun at first, but it was just too severe and I didn't like it. I'm going for the romantic look. Or, the messy look if you don't want to use euphemisms. Four weeks to go and I'm getting so excited! Yippee!

Saturday

Five days in a row this week of pretty hardcore workouts have left me sore and in dire need of rest today. So I'm sitting on the couch right now enjoying some coffee and catching up on your blogs rather than going on a run. The run can wait until tomorrow. This was the first week I decided to see the trainer two days, and I'm definitely feeling it. As Martha would say, "it's a good thing." Yeah.

So food this week wasn't horrible, but it probably could have been better. I logged a gain of 1 lb which sort of suck, but I'm also in the middle of my cycle, so we'll see what next week holds. Pasta Queen wrote something about doing a 10 day average rather than just a once a week weigh in, and I'm thinking about doing that as well.

I pretty much weigh myself every day anyway, so I may as well see how that pans out. I like knowing what I'm eating and burning off day to day affects the number on the scale. I'm sort of obsessive like that.

So yeah, today is a rest day. I'm going to the salon to practice my hairstyle for the wedding this afternoon, so I'm sort of excited about that. The rest of the weekend, and this week and next weekend, are going to be pretty chill I think. The boy is leaving for London for work tonight, which I'm kind of bummed about. Then he comes home for one night on Thursday and leaves again for his Bachelor party in Vegas the next day. Yikes! Thirteen guys in Vegas. Wow. They are going to get crazy. I'm just looking at it as a chance to spend some time focusing on myself and enjoying being alone.

Enjoy your Saturday!

Will I Never Learn?

Okay so last Friday, I flew completely off the handle and had chips and salsa, french fries, pasta, and bread. I was bloated and disgusting. And then I decided I was going to do the Master Cleanse. Have you guys heard of this? It's a cleanse that was invented in the 70's or 50's or something. Basically, you drink a mixture of maple syrup, lemon juice, water and a dash of cayenne pepper. You're supposed to drink this mixture for 10 days (seriously, ten days) and it cleans you out and detoxifies you and you're all brand new and a baby on the inside.

I thought it would be good; I thought it would be a good reset so to speak - a way to focus on the good foods and really think about what I'm putting into my body every day. So I spent all day Saturday fasting basically, and drinking this weird mixture. It was hard. And not very tasty. By 7:00 or so, I really wanted to eat. Not just for the food in my body, but for the social aspect of it as well. I was bored out of my mind from having so much free time. It's amazing how much food prep/eating/going out to eat takes out of your day. It's a good thing though; I like that part of my life. The eating part. :)

So anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling gross and empty and I realized that I don't need to fast. I don't need to cleanse. My body may have some issues, but for the most part I am damn healthy. Yes, I eat crap once in a while, like on Friday, but mainly my diet is filled with whole grains and fruits and veggies and legumes and lean meats and those are the things that fuel my intense workouts every day.

And honestly, the whole fasting thing was really throwing a wrench into my healthy lifestyle. I was weak, couldn't work out, and I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed. I know the human body can withstand fasting and people have been doing it for hundreds of years, but I don't want to fast. So I don't have to.

Sunday I ended up eating mostly fruits and veggies (and some wheat thins), and I felt a ton better. I like eating. I like fueling my body. And as this week progresses, I see that the things I do every day are good things, and I don't have to resort to crazy tactics to be a healthy person. I already am.

This Sweetness

It's raining here. And I feel like I could eat an entire house full of potato chips. Or some other monstrous amount of food. I just want to snack, you know? Just sit on the couch and munch. I think part of it is that I allowed myself some sugar today. Clearly that is leading to the cravings. I had a really bad day at work yesterday, and today one of my best girl's at work brought me a brownie.

Very sweet of her, and I don't really voice my weight loss efforts too much at work, so it isn't like she was intentionally trying to sabotage me. But she sorta did.

So yeah, the brownie was sitting on my desk as of 9:00 a.m. The girl who brought it for me sits right next to me, so I couldn't exactly chuck it while she was right there. So I put it aside and tried to hide it underneath some papers. The morning went smoothly and I sort of forgot the brownie was even there.

But then, after a healthy Subway lunch, the brownie started calling my name. I had an hour and a half meeting, and my the time I got out of it, I just needed the sugar. I was craving it. So I ate about half of it. It's amazing how sensitive I am to the sugar now though, it just tasted so sickly sweet. Don't get me wrong, it was delicious, but it still tasted very sweet.

Since then I've pretty much wanted to eat all afternoon. It's weird how some unexpected sugar can do that to your system. Eh. I guess that should teach me not to eat a brownie after lunch.

The good news is, I weighed in today for a loss - I'm down to 172.5. Woo hoo! And guess what, if I can lose 2 lbs next week, I will be entering virgin fat territory. Meaning I'll be at the lowest adult weight I've seen since I've been weighing myself obsessively, which probably means I'll be at the lowest weight I've been since hmmmm, I dunno, maybe some time in high school? Wow. I hope I make it next week. That will be super exciting. Okay off to read your blogs. Have a great Friday tomorrow!

Stop Losing? On Purpose?

That's what I have to do. Well, at least after two weeks.

You see I went to try on my wedding dress today. It is definitely too big. Which is good; I'm happy about that. It means I can see progress since I ordered it. And, it's very pretty and I did feel a little bit like a princess. In fact I'm actually feeling very good about the way I'm going to look on my wedding day, so I just hope this feeling lasts. And I hope it lasts when I get all of my pictures back from the wedding day.

But, the woman at the bridal shop told me that I really shouldn't lose anymore weight after the first real fitting in two weeks. At that point, they'll pin everything up and get it ready for cutting, but they won't do any cutting. Then the next week I go in for another fitting to make sure everything is pinned correctly. Then she cuts it, and I go in for my final fitting.

So, if I lose any more weight after she does the second fitting, which is actually in three weeks I guess, then when she cuts it it will still be too big and she'll have to re-cut it. So basically, even though I have almost six weeks until the wedding, I really only have three more to lose all the weight that I want. At best that's like 7 lbs. That sucks. I mean, I'd only have three more weeks after that, and most likely the amount of weight I could lose in those three weeks wouldn't really change the way the dress fits, but I just want it to be perfect. Completely perfect. You know?

I guess what I should really be worrying about is why I'm so obsessed over the numbers of it. It isn't what the number on the scale says, but how I look and feel. And I know that I'm going to look and feel amazing at my wedding no matter what that number on the scale says. I guess I just envisioned myself really hitting it hard and being able to get to 160 or a little over, and now that vision is sort of screwed. Let's face it, it probably wasn't going to happen anyway, but I still had a little glimmer that I could get down there. Eh.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm going to be just fine no matter what my weight is at my wedding. I still want to continue to lose, but I think if I stay where I am or only lose 5 -7 more lbs before the wedding, I'll be okay with it. It's all good. I'm going to just do whatever I can over these next couple of weeks, and then I'm going to enjoy my wedding. Yippee.

P.S. I'm not going to look anything like the chick in the picture. I'll have a soft updo, and obviously I have blonde hair. Also, I will not be rocking the pink choker. I can't really pull that off. :)