Okay it is time to admit it, I am struggling. I do not want to come back here in two months, after the holidays are over, and have gained weight. Back on August 25th I "re-dedicated" myself to losing weight, specifically 17 lbs in the 17 weeks before my trip to Mexico, and it's time to take a hard look at what I've been doing since then. That day I weighed in at 176.6. Today I weighed 172.1. That means I've lost 4.5 lbs since I wrote that post 11 weeks ago. And I don't really even know how realistic that loss is because I tend to fluctuate so much based on how much salt/booze I eat and how big my meals are. So realistically, most of that weight is just water weight anyway.

I guess I'm just frustrated with myself because I was feeling great, on track and kicking ass, and over the past couple of weeks I have really let that slide and have not been focusing on my goals. And then last night, I came across Lucas' post about how difficult it can be to push through when you feel and look great (and by the way you look great if you're reading this lady!). Reading that post was sort of like a catalyst for me. As I read through the comments, I thought, this is me! This is the issue I am constantly struggling with.

I am a healthy, fit girl. I work out 4-5 times a week. I eat healthy foods. I feel good. BUT, on the other hand, I'm still overweight. I definitely have extra fat on my body, and it needs to go. And yes I'm fit, but I am by no means where I want to be. I can't run as fast or jump as high as I want to. And I'm pretty sure if Jillian saw me waffling like this, she'd tell me to get over  myself and tackle the issue at hand.

I guess what I'm saying is that although I want to be comfortable in my own skin, I don't want to get TOO comfortable. Because too comfortable leads to lax behavior, like pizza every Sunday night and beers during the Bronco game and then suddenly it will be Thanksgiving and Christmas and I'll have eaten everything in site and gained 15 lbs. I know my body and I know that is a very real possibility, and I will not let that happen this year.

Instead I, once again, am setting out my intentions here. I'm going to do the very best I can not to let the holidays overwhelm me. I'm going to limit my vino consumption, because that is constantly getting me in trouble. I'm going to get in those workouts 5 times a week and I am going to focus on training to get better for snowboarding season, which is rapidly approaching. I'm going to remove the excess sugar I've been consuming. I'm going to count my calories, and I'm going to stick to my limits. I'm not going to ruin five days of healthy behavior with two days of excess. NOT GONNA DO IT.

On that note, I am heading to the gym. Time to stop talking about it and actually do it. :)

Change

Okay. I think it's time I face it. I am not into this blog right now. I want to be, I think about it all the time, but I'm just not. I don't know what the problem is. I want to write, I want to have something to write, but I don't. Weight loss is hard. I'm basically maintaining, which is not what I want to be doing, but apparently something in me just isn't clicking to make this work right now.

I can't even write this post because I feel like I need to write a goodbye post or something. And I'm not ready to stop blogging, but I dunno, I guess my heart hasn't been in it for a while. I've been toying around with the idea of starting another blog, or just writing personally, or even just making this one private, but I'm just not sure what I want to do right now.

Anyway, I'm not shutting down right this minute, but I think maybe it's time for a change. I just don't know what that change should be right now.

All over the place

I was doing so good with the blogging and now? Crickets. Well I guess it's time for an update. Let's see - I decided not to take the class. Part of me is bummed about it and part of me is relieved. I just don't think I was ready for it and the idea of a career change was sort of freaking me out. I am still accepted and can register for the class in the fall if I want, but now at least I have the summer to weigh my options a bit. 

As far as the job goes, I had my second interview yesterday and I think it went okay, but it is just so hard to know. I was there for about an hour and a half talking with them, and then they gave me this little test to do which took about an hour. By the end of it I was exhausted. Man being on point like that just takes it out of me. I guess they are hoping to make a decision by the end of next week, so now it's pretty much just wait and see. I do know that they have one internal candidate they are considering, so that makes me a little nervous. I feel like internal people always have the upper-hand. BUT, if they were just going to hire that person automatically, they probably would have just done it and wouldn't be considering outside people. So I think there's still a chance. I'm definitely interested in the job and would be excited to have it, but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I am a cool cat. (Someone please remind me of this if I start freaking out like I did last time I got rejected from a job).

Food and exercise - going okay. The first week I was really back on the wagon I only lost .4, and it kind of pissed me off. Stupid scale. Then last weekend I had a couple of really bad days, and I gained .6. So overall I am up .2. Which is basically maintaining. Great. 

I know my body is at a happy weight, a weight that I tend to get stuck at, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to bust out of that. I am still trying to stay on plan and hopefully this week I will actually lose a couple of pounds (gasp!) but we'll see how this weekend goes. The Nuggets are in the playoffs and the party atmosphere is seriously hindering my ability to say no to sports-watching goodies like beer, nachos, etc. Tonight we are going to watch the game at a bar with some friends, so I'm just going to try and watch my alcohol intake and order a salad or something along those lines. We shall see. I can't be held accountable if a chicken strip accidentally makes its way into my mouth.

One thing that has been going really well is our produce delivery. Thanks to Jess for turning me on to this - we get a Bitty Box of organic fruits and veggies delivered every week, and it's been awesome for my produce intake. I've been jumping on the green smoothie bandwagon that seems to be all over the place in blogland right now, adding a couple of handfuls of spinach to a smoothie made with banana, frozen berries, protein powder, almond butter and water and it is awesome. I love feeling like I've eaten a salad first thing in the morning, and honestly you can barely taste the spinach. So good. 

So I know this post is all over the place, but at least I'm updating right? The boy is going to China on Sunday for two frakking weeks, so I'll be all by my lonesome, meaning I'll probably update a lot. I'm hoping to use that time to really stay on track, get lots of workouts in and just enjoy being home with the dogger. Oh and maybe finally get my act together and plant the veggies. I'm just so scared of the veggies. 

Anyway, have an awesome weekend and go Nuggets! :) 

Apathy

Well I guess I'm not THAT ready to get back on track. I think I'm stuck in this up down cycle because I'm at a place where I'm sort of happy with my weight. I don't know if happy is the right word. But I'm content. I'm in an OKAY place I mean. I don't know how to say it right because I'm not content, I still have more weight to lose and I want to lose it, but I think I'm in this middle place where I'm not feeling SO bad about things. 

I'm not depressed every single day. I'm healthy, for the most part. I wear a size 14, sometimes a 12, which means I can shop at regular stores, for the most part. I can keep up at the gym, for the most part. Here in the U.S., even though I live in the fittest state in the nation, I can usually walk into a restaurant or a shop and know that I'm not the biggest person in the room. (This was so not the case in Singapore). And I have some level of body confidence. Sure I'm not prancing around in a bikini yet, not that I'd ever prance, but you know, I'm not there yet. I'm still pinching at my arms when I'm in a tank top. 

For some reason though, I'm at a place where I WANT to care, but when it comes down to it, when it comes down to making the right choices and not drinking that beer or eating those nachos, I just don't. I just don't care. 

So now what? Maybe I'll care more once the sun starts shining and wearing a swimsuit becomes an actual possibility. Maybe I'll care when I go to buy those designer jeans and I have to go to the men's section because the women's are all too small. Maybe I'll care after I have lunch with my friend who just had twins and already has her razor sharp hip bones jutting over the top of her jeans. 

I don't know. I know I still have some weight to lose so that I can be fit and healthy and be in the best possible shape for my body. But I also know that some of those pounds are purely vanity pounds. Ten pounds, those are maybe health pounds. Twenty pounds, those are probably vanity pounds. 

When I look back, I've basically been maintaining my weight since we returned from Asia. I've been bouncing up and down here and there, but for the most part it's been 3-4 months of pure maintenance. Which is good, it leads me to believe I can maintain. But that sad part is, I've really just been maintaining under the guise of "trying" to lose. And I know I'm not being honest unless I admit that I haven't really been trying at all. 

It is a fact that I still have some weight to lose. How much is debatable. But how do I get to that place where I care again? I don't want it to have to come to one of those moments where I break a chair in an Italian restaurant in front of my entire extended family (yes, I've done that and no, I don't think I'll ever recover). I want it to matter because it should matter and wearing a 14 is great because it's not a 20 anymore, but it's not good enough. Problem is, right now it sort of is. 

I don't know what to do. Maybe the answer is to focus on trying to maintain and not actually losing for a few months? And then maybe by June or July I'll be ready to try again? Or should I just shut the eff up and do it and lose this weight for good and quit worrying about it? (Like it's so easy ha ha). Or should I just get over the vanity pounds? I don't know. I'm so apathetic it's becoming pathetic. Is that possible? Blah blah blah I'm probably going to be talking about this forever. Ugh.