All or Nothing

Okay. I am having a REALLY hard time with my all or nothing personality today and it is making me very nervous going into this weekend, which I want to go very well as my first weekend really back on a weight loss program. It should be fine, the thing is, yesterday wasn't perfect. And up until yesterday, this entire week (okay it was three days, but still) was perfect.

Or I had what I considered to be perfect weight loss days. Kick ass workouts. Lots of sleep. Healthy, nutritious food. Low calories. It's just that when I get on a roll like that, I don't want anything to screw it up. But yesterday I ended up going to the baseball game with my mom and having some sugared nuts for a snack. Probably not the best choice, but still no big deal right? It kind of went downhill from there though.

I cooked a healthy dinner, but I did end up having some of the wine that our dinner guests brought, and I ended up drinking more than I should have. Which led to me saying yes to the ice cream they brought for dessert. I only had a little bit, but still, I consumed more sugar and alcohol calories than I should have, and those are the two things that I have been trying to avoid because they are my downfall. Argh!

I know it's no emergency, and I still only consumed about 1800 calories yesterday, so I don't really think it's going to interfere with my weight loss this week, but I'm just nervous that I'm going to let that little voice, the one in my head telling me I screwed up, so I might as well just screw the whole weekend, win. And I DO NOT want that to happen. So I'm here writing, hoping that getting this all out on "paper" will help.

It's funny, I've been doing this so long, in one way or another, that it's just so easy for me to fall back into my bad habits. This time I'm trying to approach it a little differently and know that even if things aren't perfect and don't go EXACTLY as planned, it's going to be okay. My entire program doesn't have to go in the shitter because I had one off night. And the entire weekend, which could stretch into four days if I let it, doesn't have to be ruined.

I just have to keep telling myself to look at the big picture. Big picture big picture big picture. I can do this.

All over the place

I was doing so good with the blogging and now? Crickets. Well I guess it's time for an update. Let's see - I decided not to take the class. Part of me is bummed about it and part of me is relieved. I just don't think I was ready for it and the idea of a career change was sort of freaking me out. I am still accepted and can register for the class in the fall if I want, but now at least I have the summer to weigh my options a bit. 

As far as the job goes, I had my second interview yesterday and I think it went okay, but it is just so hard to know. I was there for about an hour and a half talking with them, and then they gave me this little test to do which took about an hour. By the end of it I was exhausted. Man being on point like that just takes it out of me. I guess they are hoping to make a decision by the end of next week, so now it's pretty much just wait and see. I do know that they have one internal candidate they are considering, so that makes me a little nervous. I feel like internal people always have the upper-hand. BUT, if they were just going to hire that person automatically, they probably would have just done it and wouldn't be considering outside people. So I think there's still a chance. I'm definitely interested in the job and would be excited to have it, but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I am a cool cat. (Someone please remind me of this if I start freaking out like I did last time I got rejected from a job).

Food and exercise - going okay. The first week I was really back on the wagon I only lost .4, and it kind of pissed me off. Stupid scale. Then last weekend I had a couple of really bad days, and I gained .6. So overall I am up .2. Which is basically maintaining. Great. 

I know my body is at a happy weight, a weight that I tend to get stuck at, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to bust out of that. I am still trying to stay on plan and hopefully this week I will actually lose a couple of pounds (gasp!) but we'll see how this weekend goes. The Nuggets are in the playoffs and the party atmosphere is seriously hindering my ability to say no to sports-watching goodies like beer, nachos, etc. Tonight we are going to watch the game at a bar with some friends, so I'm just going to try and watch my alcohol intake and order a salad or something along those lines. We shall see. I can't be held accountable if a chicken strip accidentally makes its way into my mouth.

One thing that has been going really well is our produce delivery. Thanks to Jess for turning me on to this - we get a Bitty Box of organic fruits and veggies delivered every week, and it's been awesome for my produce intake. I've been jumping on the green smoothie bandwagon that seems to be all over the place in blogland right now, adding a couple of handfuls of spinach to a smoothie made with banana, frozen berries, protein powder, almond butter and water and it is awesome. I love feeling like I've eaten a salad first thing in the morning, and honestly you can barely taste the spinach. So good. 

So I know this post is all over the place, but at least I'm updating right? The boy is going to China on Sunday for two frakking weeks, so I'll be all by my lonesome, meaning I'll probably update a lot. I'm hoping to use that time to really stay on track, get lots of workouts in and just enjoy being home with the dogger. Oh and maybe finally get my act together and plant the veggies. I'm just so scared of the veggies. 

Anyway, have an awesome weekend and go Nuggets! :) 

Day 1 and 2. Hanging In

I had a good day yesterday. I mean, I finally felt like I was in control of my impulses and I was able to make good choices. And I was rewarded with a three pound loss this morning, which I know of course is all the water weight and bloat I was experiencing. I ate vegetables. I ate lean protein and healthy fats. I went to kickboxing and I drank tea after dinner instead of eating ice cream. 

And today, even though it's my sister's birthday and I ate out for lunch and will eat out again for dinner, I'm still in control. I had a salad at lunch and skipped the chips. I have a plan for dinner even though we're eating Italian, which I know will be difficult for me. I do love the pasta. But I know that's not what I need right now. We're eating at a "family-style" place, meaning HUGE HUGE portions of food and we all have to figure out something to agree on, but I'm just going to make sure I fill up on as much salad as I can, and then watch my portion of anything else we choose. I will be mindful of my fullness level and I'll stop when I'm full, not when I'm stuffed. 

I think these early days are both so easy and so hard. On the one hand I feel great because I've recommitted to getting some weight off. I have goals in mind and I know what I need to do to achieve them. But the sugar cravings are there. My stomach is clearly stretched out because I'm hungry, neigh starving, even though I know I'm eating plenty. I have to constantly remind myself not to open up the pantry and grab some chips or some crackers or what have you. 

So yeah, I'm doing well right now, but I know the road is going to be hard. My first big test will be this weekend. On Saturday I'm hosting my sister's engagement party, and there will be lots of stress, but lots of merriment and lots of friends eating and drinking copious amounts. So there's that. And that will be hard. BUT I'm just going to do the best I can and try to think about WHY I'm making the choices I'm making and know that in the end, although sometimes it sucks to eat broccoli and drink water instead of wine, this is worth it for me right now. 

In other news, I also found a yoga studio in my neighborhood and called them this morning about classes. I was doing yoga quite a bit in Singapore and haven't done it at all since I've been back, and I'm really missing it. My hips are bothering me, probably from all the kickboxing I've been doing, and I know getting back into yoga will help that. I was also listening to Jillian Michael's radio show the other day and she was talking about the benefits of investing in massage, and I decided I'm going to take that to heart and schedule an appointment. Yes it's expensive and it feels like an indulgence with the crappy economy, but it's an investment in my health and I think I deserve it. 

I guess that's it for today. Gotta go get ready for dinner. Thanks for listening to my whining all the time. :) 

Pokes Head Up

Hello? Is anybody out there? I'm thinking some of you may have me in your feed readers still so if you do, hi! I'm back. Honestly I never really left, not totally. I've been reading tons of blogs the whole time I've been in Singapore. And I've been writing in a travel blog. And kind of wishing I was writing in this one.

So now I'm back.

In a way I regret taking a hiatus from fatblogland. There are so many new awesome blogs out there and so many relationships that I have let fall by the wayside. And I'm sorry for that. But I do know that it was the right decision for me to take a step back from writing about weight loss, specifically my weight loss (or lack thereof at times). When the boy and I moved to Singapore at the beginning of July I thought maybe it would be best to try to put some of my issues and obsessions with my weight aside for a while, and I thought stopping writing here might help that a bit.

And you know what, Singapore has been good for me in that regard in a way. When we first got here I didn't want to worry about food. I didn't want to worry about carb counts and calorie counts and fat and all of that crap. I just wanted to try new things. Living here, and going to Indonesia and Cambodia and Thailand, I've gotten to try tons of new food. Chicken rice and banana cakes and black sesame ice cream and greasy fried noodles and durian and dragonfruit and the list goes on and on. Some of it I loved, some of it I hated. Some of it was good for me, some of it was terrible for me.

I did gain a couple of pounds when we got to Singapore, and I was probably wavering back and forth in about a five pound range for the first four months. It depended on whether or not we were traveling (traveling always means lots of booze and eating out and you know how that can be).

Sometime in October though, I realized that just because I was halfway around the world didn't mean I could use that as an excuse to gain weight. Or more importantly, to not lose the weight. I've been hovering with being 25-50 lbs overweight for my entire adult life. There have been times when I've been gung-ho about getting it all off. There have been times when I'm resigned to just being "a big girl." There have been times when I'm eating or drinking without any restraint because I just don't give a fuck anymore. There have been times when I say "I'm going to lose it this time" but then I continue to maintain or just half-ass it.

The past couple of years I've fallen into a really bad pattern of losing weight at the beginning of the year - 10, 15, even 20 lbs. The for some reason the fall comes and I slowly gain. Gain all or most of it back during the holidays, and then I start over again the next year. In the fall of 2006, the year I got married, I was at the lowest weight I'd been at in a long time. But I gained back almost 25 lbs over the next year. Wow that is crazy to write it out here. But it's true.

At the beginning of 2008 I set out to lose that weight, again. And as of July, when we moved to Singapore, I was down about 15 lbs. Then I gained the five or so I just mentioned. Which brings us to October, at which point I started with a fresh resolve. Part of it was the thought of coming back to the U.S. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have daydreams about losing all the weight while I'm out here and coming home and shocking everyone with my new hot bod. And while I know that's not really realistic, I do know that I have an amazing opportunity. This year I won't be with my family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I won't have the food pushers and the pressures and the environmental factors that have caused me to gain weight every single holiday season I can remember.

Instead, I have myself. I have the boy, and I have about a month left in Singapore and then I have ten days in Japan, where I'll celebrate Christmas and my 29th birthday (on December 27). I know I can choose how to spend this time. And I choose to spend it losing weight, not gaining weight. I will not deprive myself from the sensory experiences here that I may not get for the rest of my life. But I will not let them take over my other needs either.

So what does that mean for me? That means I want to be conscious about my weight loss, and I want to participate. I want to take my blog back. I want to build relationships with other bloggers and tell the people I've let down I'm sorry. I want to steal some of the awesome ideas I've seen on a few blogs, like photographing my food more often and posting recipes. I want to talk about all of the things I'm loving right now and how living as an overweight person in Asia has changed my perspective a bit.

So I'm back. I'm going to be working on updating the links to the right and adding all of the new bloggers I've been reading. I'm going to be stopping by to say hi more often. And I'm going to be writing about my weight loss, my workouts, what I'm eating. And probably some non-weight loss things too. I'm going to go back to doing a weekly weigh-in on Wednesdays. I feel good today, I feel positive. Things aren't always going to be sunshine and lollipops I know. But I'm going to write about the good times and the bad times. I think getting started was the hardest part.