I Love My Body

So I've heard (or read) through the grapevine that today is Love Your Body Day. And I just wanted to come here and say that I LOVE MY BODY.

I love how even though sometimes I worry that my lips are too small, I can break them into a big wide bright smile.

I love how my eyes are sometimes green and sometimes blue and sometimes hazel, depending on what I'm wearing.

I love looking in the mirror when I'm working out in the gym and seeing my strong muscles flex as I lift something heavy.

I love my hourglass figure and the curve of my waist.

I love my perfectly straight hair.

I love that my fingers are double jointed.

I love that I can kick the crap out of my husband playing Wii Boxing because of all that my body has learned going to kickboxing.

I love that I can run and jump and sweat and breathe. Sometimes all it takes is to just breathe.

Even though I'm constantly striving to improve, I can honestly say that I LOVE MY BODY. And I hope you love yours too.

Only Happy Songs

Okay miraculously, I lost .4 lbs this week. I am not happy with that because I am not going to work my butt off 75% of the time just to let it all go to hell 25% of the time and end up with what amounts to maintaining. It is just a waste of freaking time.

Clearly I have some issues to deal with. I am happy, you know? I'm happy, I have a good life. I love my husband, I love my dog. I love my house and my family and my neighborhood. I know that I'm lacking a sense of purpose in my life right now and that is causing me some stress, especially because I'm not sure how or where to find that purpose. I keep thinking I want a job, but the idea of going back to work full time in my field stresses me out. Not that there is anything available at the moment anyway. Then I think I'll go back to school. I'm taking a class right now that I'm really enjoying. But looking at the requirements for admittance and the idea of spending all that money on a phd stresses me out too. Because what if I still can't find my purpose, even after all of that. Part of me just thinks I need to hold out a little longer because something will eventually just HAPPEN, but part of me thinks I need to make things happen. I don't know.  On that part I am just confused.

I just tend to get really introspective, and I think that just increases when the boy is out of town because I spend a lot of time by myself. I think about who I am and what I want and what I would have thought of who I am today when I was 15. But you know, I was kind of an idiot when I was 15 in a lot of ways, so maybe it's okay if I'm not exactly the person I thought I was going to be.

It's just that I have the same struggles, the same struggles about myself, my weight, my purpose in life, what I want to do, who I want to be. It's as if I've gotten nowhere and here it is, I've doubled my life span, yet inside I'm still this angry teenager kicking and screaming and wondering why I am who I am. Why wasn't I born a skinny supermodel? Why don't I have a genius grant? I'm just an ordinary American girl struggling with the same shit as a ton of other people, putting myself in boxes and giving myself labels that I don't really want, and I definitely don't need.

I know my self-worth does not exist entirely in how much I weigh. Nor does it lie in my job description. It's who I am and the choices I make each day, and I am a good person. I care about other people, and I want the world to be a better place. I am sick of putting this crap on myself every day and I'm done listening to sad songs on my iPod. Only happy songs today. Only happy songs.

Monday Musings

Oh Monday. It feels kind of gloomy today but I am determined to just get my butt moving and work on some projects and break out of any funky feelings I might be feeling. This weekend was good, hard but good. I stayed within my calorie limits on Friday after my minor freak out about Thursday, but then Saturday ended up with a little emotional eating (read: grilled cheese at dinner) and went high again. Yesterday was great though, and I'm taking some time to plan some menus for the week today so I am hopeful that when I weigh on Wednesday I'll at least be down a little.

You know what sucks though? How one day can screw up an entire week of careful planning, measuring, counting, working? One freaking day. That's all it takes to ruin a lot of really hard work. I don't think that's going to happen to me this week, but honestly it is no wonder that people have a hard time losing weight. Changing habits is HARD and all takes is a little slip up to kill what might have been a two pound weight loss for the week. Or three or four. I guess that's why it's an ongoing process and so many people (myself included of course) struggle for years and years with their weight.

One thing I did do this weekend was declare my intentions to two people in my life that have never had weight problems and often contribute to my losing focus. These are two of my really good girlfriends, both around size 2-4. These women are great, they would never purposefully try to sabotage me or anything like that, but they've also never had to think about their weight. They both work out and eat consciously, it's just not really an issue for them the way it is for me. The main issue is our tendency to get together and make one glass of wine turn into three or four, which then totally throws me off course. It's not a problem for them, they can totally handle it. But it is for me.

So yesterday at the mall, all crammed in to one dressing room together, I acknowledged that issue by telling them I am trying to lose 15 lbs by my Mexico trip in December. I was a little nervous about it because I've made tons of declarations like this in the past that haven't really panned out, but they were both really supportive and nice about it, which was great. After we finished shopping, we went to grab lunch, where they both had a glass of wine. One got a grilled cheese and ham with a side of fries, and one got a chicken sandwich with a side of fries. I got a salad and stuck to water. At first I was really worried about it, but I think I was just wrapped up in my own shit because neither one of them mentioned my lack of wine or how their food was "worse" than mine or any of that crap. We still sat and chatted and had a great time, and the food just wasn't an issue.

I was thinking about it, and I really want to try to make every meal like that. I'm sick of worrying about what I'm going to order and what other people will think and whether or not they'll secretly be mocking me inside of their heads. These people are my friends, so why would they do it? They wouldn't, and if they did, that means they're assholes anyway. If I'm being honest, nobody really cares what I choose to eat, and if they do take issue with it, they're probably just projecting they're own issues on to me.

I know I'll still encounter food and alcohol pushers, that is just a part of life. But I really need to learn to be confident with my choices and no that in the end, they are going to take me the direction I want to go.