Pokes Head Up

I may finally be on the mend. I'm still coughing a bit and for some reason I can't shake this sense of utter exhaustion, but besides that I'm feeling a zillion times better. I don't know what this plague is all about but is an absolute ass-kicker. And what is it about the plague that just makes me want to eat? There is this new Mexican place down the street from my house that is so freaking amazingly delicious and I wish I hadn't tried it. But of course I did and now all I want to do is drown myself in bean burritos. Ugh.

I attempted to hit the gym for the first time in a full week on Saturday morning before I had to go to a friend's baby shower, but I lasted a paltry 20 minutes before I had to get off and go lay on my couch. After lounging about pretty much all day Sunday and Monday, I finally managed to make it back to the gym this morning for a boot camp class, and although it was super tough and I can tell my body still isn't 100%, I was SO happy to be back. I really have made fitness a part of my life, and while it amazes me, taking more than a week off from working out really makes me crazy. I miss the movement, I miss the sweat, I miss the way my body feels when my heart rate is up and I'm sucking wind. I actually like inflicting pain on myself. :)

But, with the lack of working out over the past couple of weeks and the crappy food intake, my goals have sort of fallen by the wayside. I feel puffy and bloated and yucky. And it's not just because of the plague. I'm ready to get myself back on track on all accounts. AND, I need to take advantage of my current jobless situation while I still can, because (fingers crossed) I had an interview last week and I think it went really well. So while I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I am cautiously optimistic about potentially having a day gig to go to soon! 

So what does that mean for this week? Back to the gym, back to kickboxing and the treadmill and hopefully, even back to broccoli. I need to get my mojo back stat.  The boy had to go out of town for work so it's just me and the dogger, and I think this is the perfect time to get moving.

Check In

Hi. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm around, I've just been sick for what seems like ages and I'm just over it. I'm snotty and gross and feel like crap and it is ruining everything. Whine.

I'll be back when I have something a little more positive to say. 

Weigh In and Goals Update

173.8. That's a loss of two pounds since two weeks ago, when I set my goals. I didn't weigh in last week because I'm a slacker and I have no excuse for it. Wasn't a good start to achieving those goals but here I am now and that's what counts right? So let's see, I'm on my way to my 5 lb loss by May 1, so goal #3 is on its way to being met. Woo to the hoo! It is SO nice to see the numbers go down on the scale for once. Maybe it was those Brussels sprouts I had last night? More on those later...

Sorry, I'm totally out of order, so now I'm going back to Goal #1, which was to work out 4-6 times a week. I just got home from kickboxing, which was my third workout this week, and I plan to hit Camp24 tomorrow and snowboard Saturday, so that will make a minimum of five workout this week.  I may even try to run Friday depending on the weather/how I feel because I woke up this morning kind of snotty and icky. I better not be getting sick because I am a pillar of freaking health. A pillar I tell you. 

Anyway. Goal #2 was stay within my calorie range 6 days a week. Eh. I don't think I've been perfect but I'm doing what I can. I'm still struggling with my alcohol intake on weekends. I swear it's just a couple of glasses of wine at a baby shower (and you KNOW I needed them) and then a couple of glasses that night, okay maybe three, but it just adds up and it's killing me. I haven't been going over by much, but I don't want to be replacing healthy food calories with alcohol calories (i.e. drunkorexic) so I'm just trying to find my balance. During the week I seem to be doing great, so I guess I'll just keep doing the best I can and one of these days I will figure it out. 

Goal #3, we've already been over, and goal #4 was to improve my form in kickboxing. LOL. For real. I am still mostly flailing about, in fact today I had a particularly bad day, but I'm blaming that on the fact that I haven't been sleeping well and I'm not feeling great today. I was just so tired and when I'm tired, I have crappy form. So we'll keep working on that.

Goal #5 was to cook, and I've been doing that! I made veggie chili for lunch yesterday and then last night I made Brussels sprouts. Hmm, how do I say this politely? I don't think I'll be buying them frequently. I roasted them with olive oil and salt and pepper and they looked quite lovely coming out of the pan, but the insides were just a little mushy for me. Maybe I didn't cook them long enough? I don't know, I'm going to try again because I have at least two servings left in my frig, so hopefully next time they will come out better. 

On today's menu:

B: Banana w/ almond butter

L: turkey sandwich, small side salad

S: spicy trail mix

D: leftover veggie chili

I guess that's it for me today. I know this was kind of a a boring post, but it's so good for me to write out updates on my goals like this. Now if I can only keep it up! I hope you all have a wonderful day. :) 

Random Blah Blah

I have been having trouble getting motivated to write. So instead of something coherent I guess I'll just word vomit and see if anything interesting comes up. 

Yesterday I went to everyone's favorite health store and spent my whole non-existent paycheck. Ridiculous, but I hadn't been grocery shopping in a while and I've committed to locking myself in my house and eating every meal at home save a lunch date on Friday. The boy is out of town this week for a conference, so it's pretty easy for me to eat whatever I want and not have to worry about making extra for him. Typically he eats what I eat, but I always make an extra carb or side dish for him (risotto, tortillas for tacos, that kind of thing) so not having to do that is kind of fun. Actually, if I'm being honest, I haven't really cooked anything for myself. Last night for dinner I had a turkey sandwich. But I have PLANS to cook. And that's what counts. 

Anyway, while I was at Wh0le F00ds I purchased a new sweetener that I am now attempting to enjoy in my coffee. It's called XyloSweet, an all natural Xylitol sweetener. Since I'm obsessed with Jillian Michaels and have heard her recommend this on her podcast a couple of times, I decided to give it a shot. I've eliminated most artificial sweeteners from my diet, I'm off diet soda and try not to buy too much sugar free stuff (although I'm still sort of addicted to SF pudding, but I'm working on that). However, this means that lately in my coffee, I've just been using full sugar, full fat creamer and I'm here to tell you this was not a good idea. Aside from the fact that is full of crap and the calories can add up quickly, it was so sweet and delicious in the morning it was giving me cravings all day. So, I'm hopeful that trying XyloSweet will nip that in the bud and also help me get rid of cravings. 

Now I know you're probably thinking, "but aren't you just replacing one artificial sweetener with another?" And I was thinking that too, but apparently this stuff is all natural, not bleached and processed within and inch of it's life like Splenda (which I still like) and Aspartame. I don't know, I haven't done loads of research on it yet and I can't debate the merits per se, but it tastes ok in my coffee so I'm going to give it a shot. I did learn that it is toxic to dogs, so I'll be keeping it away from the dogger. 

Oh yeah I also got some Jay Robb protein powder for smoothies and man, that stuff is good. I made one yesterday with chocolate protein powder, water, and almond butter and it was freaking delish. I have been having trouble figuring out how/what to eat on Mondays when I go to kickboxing from 6:30-7:30, which is during my normal dinner hour. So yesterday I made the protein shake around 5 as a pre-workout meal, then came home and had a small turkey sandwich around 8. This seemed to work well, I was properly fueled for my workout and I think I got the right nutrients I needed afterward too.

Today I'm going to make some veggie chili around lunchtime to have for the rest of the week, and I'm going to hit the Camp24 class at 4:30. I'm thinking about staying for step afterward, I've seen some people who do that, but for some reason I'm terribly afraid of taking a step class. What if I trip over the step and fall on my face? What if I sprain my ankle? What if my thong hangs out? We'll see. 

Dinner is going to consist of leftover chicken salad and tomato soup. I guess it's a good thing it snowed last night and is freezing today, I'll get my soup fix in times two today! 

P.S. I'm watching the View, and why oh why does Lady GaGa not ever wear pants?  

New Career Path?

First, I must say hi to anyone who found me through Jess. Welcome, and make yourself at home. Wow Jess, I have to say, you sent a lot of visitors my way. I got home from a trip to the mountains last night and checked my stats and immediately became paranoid about writing a new! exciting! post so that my new visitors would want to stick around and read. After watching some old House reruns and somehow getting sucked into the Celebrity Apprentice (don't want to talk about it, it won't happen again) I decided I didn't have anything new! and exciting! to say. So I went to bed. 

Here I am this morning in the same state, so I think I'll just stick to what I usually do. Which is just babbling on about fitness and food and booze. Since I continue to toil about with no job and no hope of one in sight, I tried to go snowboarding on Friday with some girlfriends. Well, we got up to A-Basin and it was snowy and cold and windy and we took one run and turned around and came home. Not worth it. Saturday ended up being beautiful and we went to Breckenridge, along with pretty much every other person in Colorado and all the tourists too. The lift lines were long, but we had a great day and I am experiencing some wonderful delayed-onset muscle soreness today. Enough that I'm thinking I should probably just spend most of the day on the couch relaxing, even though it is supposed to be 72 today. I'm sure it'll be nice again tomorrow too. 

Also contributing to my desire to veg is the fact that I think I may be getting sick. We spent the weekend with my brother-in-law's cute little mutt of a dog and I thought my throat was hurting and ears were itching due to allergies, but I've been home for a while now and it is still happening. Boo to sickness. I can't be sick. I don't even have anywhere to call in sick to. Isn't that the whole point of getting sick? 

Tonight I'm going to see Jimmy Eat World at the Ogden, which I could not be more excited about. I love this band, loved them since high school, and even though I'm sure I'll be surrounded by way too many screaming teenagers, I am going to rock out to every song. And then I'm going to come home and make myself a cup of tea like a grown up. No booze tonight because of course this weekend was a little nutty, although I am quite proud of my food choices. My goals are still in place; I am a woman on a mission.

It's funny, we were talking with some friends this weekend about what I could do with my time since I'm having so much trouble finding a job in my field right now, and it came up that I spend a great deal of time at the gym, so why don't I think about becoming an instructor of some sort. I've thought about it a lot because I do enjoy classes and I'd really like to spend my day working with other people on their fitness. But here's the thing: I'm not a hard body. I'm not in perfect shape. And my roundhouse kicks are sort of pathetic. Somehow I think I have to be a perfect specimen of fitness in order to even think about going in that direction. 

I know logically that's mostly not true, although I'm sure there are fitness tests and what not you need to take in order to be an instructor of say, kickboxing. But in terms of what I look like, what my body fat percentage is and what size my pants are, it shouldn't really matter should it? Yes I want to lose some weight, but I am a firm believer that you can be fit and fat, so why shouldn't I be able to teach a class? Or do some personal training? Is it because I'm so vain and obsessive about my size? I've had so many issues over the years I'd be afraid of everyone judging me? Is it because I'm afraid I'd fail? 

I'm sure people have written about overweight fitness instructors somewhere. Have you ever had one? What do you think about it? 

Piece of Cake

Hey! Well I am feeling good about my goals. Everything is in place and honestly, it's nice to just have that out there. I did weigh in yesterday and I was at 175.8. This is a .4 loss from last week. Woo hoo? I dunno, whatever. As I said, my goal is to lose 5 lbs by May 1, but in all honesty, I think that is setting the bar too low. I have a full two months to lose 5 lbs? I know I am a slow loser, but I also want to give myself some motivation, so I'm going to say 8 lbs, putting me squarely in the middle of the upper 160's, which is a place I have never been. So the goal by May 1 is 8 lbs, or 167.8 lbs. This is going to be easy. I am going to do this no problemo.

One thing I do need to do is spend a little more time looking at my calorie allowance. I use Spark People and it says I should be eating 1200-1550, which is a pretty big range, and based on my BMR, I think I should be at about 1400 on days I don't work out in order to create a big enough deficit to lose 1-2 lbs a week. Usually I'm good with sticking right around this, but sometimes I think I might need a little more food, especially on days where I'm burning major calories. Sure it'd be nice to create a monstrous deficit on those days, but if I don't give my body enough food, it's sure to end either with starvation mode or a binge, neither of which I want. 

So my question is, how much leeway should I give myself if I have an intense workout and am feeling extra hungry? Yesterday in kickboxing I'm estimating I burned 500-600 calories based on what my heart rate monitor says (it kept showing 00 at random times, methinks I need to clean the strap). And then after that workout, I was super hungry all day, but I was trying to stay within my allotted calories, per my goals of course. Well I ended up eating 1723 cals, which is of course over the 1550, but not by much. So TECHNICALLY I didn't meet that goal yesterday, but I'm not going to get all psycho about this, because that isn't good for anyone's mental health. Hell, the fact that I'm even writing this out is a little over the top. That's it, I've officially decided that I can consume up to 1800 calories on days I kickbox or have another really tough workout. I trust myself and I know that if I need the calories, I need the calories. Even if they are in the form of wine. :) 

Speaking of being psycho and having too much ego, Angie had a really great post yesterday about living in the present and how our weight loss isn't always the battle we think it is. This really resonated with me - I am always always worrying about this shit and letting it define my life and sometimes I really think I just need to get over myself and DEAL. This is my life, I love it, and things are going to be okay. Yes I want to continue to lose and yes I have my goals, but my world doesn't always have to revolve around this subject. As one of Angie's commenters said, sometimes you just have to tell yourself it's going to be easy. So as I said above, my goal of 8 lbs by May 1 is going to be a piece of cake!*

Tonight I'm going to that Camp24 interval class again, which I love, and then afterward we are heading out with our best friends to a new restaurant by our house. This week is Denver Restaurant Week, so tons of restaurants around town are having awesome pre-fix menus for $52.80 (the Mile High city, that's how we roll) per couple. I don't know what's on the menu, but I'm sure it will involve dessert and wine, so I'm just going to do my best to make good choices and enjoy a nice dinner on the cheap! I'll work it into my calorie budget, don't you worry! Hope everyone has a great day. 

Mother Lovin GOALS

Good bad up down on off. Consistency has left the building. Actually I don't know if I EVER had it. The past two months have just been hard. I really feel like every day is a battle. When it comes to my food choices, I'm just not strong. I can plan and plan but it seems I have one little slip-up and my whole day gets turned on it's side. Too much alcohol one night turns into pizza and cookies the next day. A bite of my husband's french fries and suddenly I want to go out for ice cream. Who is this person? Not me. 

The good news is I have been working out like a fiend. And I do have my good days. So at least I'm maintaining. And I think I may even be down a pound or so this week, but I'm still up at least four lbs from my lowest weight, and I don't know if I'll ever break that elusive 170 barrier. Actually eff that, I do know. I'm putting it out in the universe. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? I will see the 160's in March or April. As fatblogland as my witness, I will do this. 

In that spirit, I think I need a few more goals. SMART goals. Specific, measurable, achievable, r.... what's the r stand for again? And t? I don't know t either. Anyway, the first three will do. 

So, a few small goals, and a few bigger goals. 

1. Workout 4-6 times per week. This should be a breeze given my current level of activity. I am including snowboarding and snowshoeing in this as well as trips to the gym, outdoor runs, bike rides, whatever else I come up with. This does not include walking the dog. 

2. Stay within my calorie range at least 6 days a week. I can go over one day IF it is a day that I have worked out and IF I have stayed in my range the other six days. It isn't an all-out blowout, but I will allow myself some extra calories. 

3. Lose a minimum of 5 lbs by May 1. I know I can do this. I will do this. This will be 5 lbs below my official weigh-in as of tomorrow, February 25. 

4. Improve my form in kickboxing. I am loving this workout right now and I want to improve. I don't know how to measure that, but I think aiming to always jack instead of march might be a good start. Also to try to actually kick out instead of just toward the ground. 

5. Cook. Starting with going to the grocery store right now. 

Okay I think that's it. I feel good having some goals down. 

Antsy Pants

Let's talk about workout pants. I am having a major problem and I really don't know what to do. The situation is as follows: 

Lucy has been my go-to for workout pants for a couple of years now, although I have gotten a few items from Target and Lululemon and some other places. I typically like a capri length, black pant. Fairly tight, but maybe flared at the bottom. Not necessarily tights if you know what I mean. For the most part, all the pants I've had have served me well. 

Here's my problem though. Lately, whenever I run, like really book it doing intervals, or go to kickboxing and we do lots of jumping jacks, or do any other high impact cardio, my pants fall down. They just sort of slowly creep downward to this area right above my lady parts, and then I have to reach back down and hike them up. And the things is, this happens with pretty much any pair I have. It happens with an old stretched out pair of Lucy pants. A brand new pair that is relatively tight. A pair of actual running tights (actually it seems worse with this pair that is meant to be extremely tight-fitting). A pair of wind pants. Everything! It's kind of like that rolling-down pantyhose phenomenon, if you know what I mean. 

I know what the problem is. It's my belly. I've always thought my extra weight was pretty evenly distributed, but if I really look at myself, I do have quite a bit of extra jiggle in my tummy area. And when I'm really moving, I guess that part of me just wiggles right out of my pants. And I do NOT like that. I am not like my teeney tiny instructor, whose pants only come up about three inches below her belly button but it doesn't matter because her stomach is so perfectly flat. I guess I am an old lady but I need the support of a waistband around my belly.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should start buying pants a size too small? Or is there a brand I haven't found that is going to be my savior? What do the girls on the Biggest Loser wear? I mean, it's not like I'm asking for anything outrageous here. Just a good pair of size L workout pants that won't drop when I'm jab jab crossing!  

I should be on a cooking reality show

Because I am THAT good. I made the BEST dinner tonight. I am such a superstar. I mean truly, I rock. I love having an oven and Wh0le F00ds and my iPod in my kitchen. Shit, Americans are truly lucky. So I can't find a job right now, I'm up half the night worrying about stupid crap like whether that little clip from my snowpants is still on the dryer, and I had to go the dentist today. I had an awesome dinner. 

My dentist is down south near my parent's house (I've been going to him forever) and so after I was done, I went to the the mecca that is the Wh0le F00ds down there. We have a pretty nice one sort of close to me, but not close enough to justify going there a lot. But the one I went to this afternoon is freaking amazing. It's huge and full of so much gorgeous food it is just ridiculous. I probably could have spent two or three hours in there just walking around, but I was sort of in a rush so I just picked up a few things here and there. I didn't really know what to do about dinner so I ended up getting these pre-made spinach and feta salmon burgers, some broccoli and some sweet potatoes. So good. 

OMG American Id0l just totally effed up. Ha ha. Seacrest is not that great of an improviser. Okay side note over. 

The thing about dinner was that is was so easy. I turned the oven to 425, threw in the sweet potatoes, prepped the broccoli, (used this recipe, and it truly is the best broccoli of your life) and then threw that in. The salmon burgers were already together, so all I had to do was saute them for about five minutes on each side. Piece of cake and ended up all being so so good. 

Now that I'm all full of healthy food I'm settling in to watch BL and read some blogs. Oh yeah and I've been on twitter for a while as my normal self, but I decided to set up a special account just for this blog, so if you're interested, I'm here. I' think I'm going to experiment with tweeting my food and exercise as well as you know, all my witty thoughts throughout the day. :) 

P.S. This weekend was great - we did a 6 mile snowshoe! Holy crap. I hate my husband sometimes. I mean love. I love him. 

ETA: Just realized DG totally posted about this broccoli today too. Or maybe yesterday. Anyway, it's broccoli time in fatblogland. 

I AM FINE

Okay I am fine. I have gained some pounds and am having trouble getting on track but really, I am fine. I have been to the gym every day this week. I had a salad for lunch because I was craving greens. So really, I am fine. I have to keep telling myself this because I can see where I'm going, I can see how I'm falling and I need it not to happen. I need not to gain weight and in fact I need to lose 15-20 more lbs forever. And ever. I am going to be fine. I need to make sure I'm fine. 

We decided to go to the mountains for the weekend and stay at the boy's parent's house. i think it's good. It'll be just the two of us and the dogger. I think we need the time together, and I think it'll be good for me to remove myself from some of the social situations that have been causing me to overdo it on the food and alcohol front. Tonight we'll probably just stay in, cook something easy. Tomorrow we're going to get up and go snowshoeing, which is always a butt-kicker. I don't know about tomorrow night, I guess we're just going to find someplace up in the mountains to go eat, although we may end up staying in again as it's sure to be packed with tourists given it's President's Day weekend. 

Anyway, I'm hoping I can pull it together and have a good weekend. I know just a couple of good days in a row will really help me get to a better place mentally. And that's what I need right now.

Oh. My. God. 

I have no willpower. Just ate a cupcake. Must pull it together. 

At The Gym: Taking Some Classes

Oh hello. I am in a much better mood today and not so worried about my life and my future and all of those things. I swear I am so up and down I must be bi-polar. Not really, but it never ceases to amaze me how much my moods swing. Hormones anyone? Wow. 

Actually I think one reason I'm feeling better is the fact that I've been getting my ass to the gym and working that shit out. I am a big believer in exercise being a mood enhancer. Now I'm not going to lie, it's not as good as some of the pharmaceuticals out there, but hey, sometimes you have to work with what you've got. 

Yesterday I knew I really needed to hit some weights, but I just DID. NOT. FEEL LIKE IT. I dilly-dallied all day. Had lunch with my mom and sister. Went to the mall and tried on shoes. Ate some chocolate-covered almonds. Read all about Chris Brown and Rhianna (side note - will be taking his songs off of my workout mixes. NEVER EVER is violence okay). 

Anyway, around 4 I decided to check out the gym's class schedule, and wouldn't you know it, there was a class starting at 4:30. I decided to go for it. The class, called Camp24 at my local Biggest Loser sponsored-club, is described as a circuit designed to improve cardiovascular  and muscular strength. I figured it was kind of like a mix between Body Pump and step class. I was basically right.

Well I got there at about 4:20 and the room was already packed, all the girls had their steps all set up and their weights ready to go. So I scurried over and set up my step in one of the only places left, of course at the very front of the room, and sat down to wait. What is it about a room full of women waiting to get their work out on? Honestly it kind of scares me. It must be all that estrogen. 

When the instructor came in and told us it was a mix of strength exercises and cardio based on kickboxing moves, I relaxed a little. I'm obsessed with kickboxing right now, so I knew it would be perfect. We did lots of fake jump roping, jumping jacks, running in place, that sort of thing and then mixed it up with your basic weight moves - lunges, squats, bicep curls, chest presses, etc. I liked it and I think I got a good workout, although my muscles aren't really as sore as I think they should be after a good weight session. I really wish I knew how many calories I burned, but for some reason my heart rate monitor isn't registering my heart rate consistently right now, so it didn't give me a very accurate reading for the workout. 

So yeah, I'm liking classes right now. I'm liking that taking one class gets me in the gym for a full 60 minutes, and I'm liking that I don't really have to think about what I'm supposed to be doing. I just follow the instructor like a robot. An intense, hardcore robot. Umm yeah. I went to regular kickboxing this morning, and I'm betting I can find another good class tomorrow or Friday. That's three good classes for the week, couple that with a few runs on my own (okay maybe just one) and maybe one weight circuit, and that should be a really good week of workouts. 

What about you? Do you take any classes I should check out?

Hopefully It Lives Up to Its Name

I took a pregnancy test today. 

It's so weird how I've been doing all this waffling back and forth about how soon I want to get pregnant and whether or not I'm ready and this and that and then, things started happening and I thought, well maybe I'll just be pregnant and I won't have planned for it and that's how it'll be. 

Let me back up. So since we've been back from Singapore, I've been trying to go back on my food plan (aka not eat everything in sight) but I've been having a really hard time sticking to it. Meaning I think I've gained a couple of pounds. Actually I know it. Then my boobs started getting sore. Really sore. Painfully sore. Then I started getting emotional about some things. And last night, some little thing just clicked in the back of my head and I thought, shit, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm fat and hormonal and pregnant. 

So what did I do? Pretty much the stupidest thing in the world. I got on the Internets. And I started reading. And self-diagnosing. Now I have an IUD or IU whatever they are calling it these days. It's the Mirena and it's supposed to be 99% effective at preventing pregnancy. Wouldn't you know it though, there are lots of ladies on the good old world wide web that have gotten pregnant even with this sucker in place. Lots. And they have stories. Lots and lots of stories. So I started reading the stories and thinking hmmm, maybe I'm one of these stories.

I stayed up way too late, tossed and turned and had visions of babies dancing in my head. I was scared and sort of freaked out but part of me, and I don't think it was that little of a part, was kind of excited. So I got up this morning, went straight to Safeway and purchased the error proof test. 

I didn't even make coffee because I thought, well, if I am pregnant I'm going to have to give up caffeine. Nevermind the massive amounts of alcohol I consumed all weekend. What can I say, I thought I had pregnant brain. Already using it as an excuse. 

Moving on. 

I came home and put some eggs on to boil. I peed. I looked. I wasn't pregnant. 

And it's fine, I'm glad I'm not pregnant because I wasn't planning on that yet and I would have been freaking out about my alcohol consumption and my arthritis medication and a host of other things, so it's good, but part of me, part of me was really sad too. 

So now what? Does that mean that I'm more ready than I thought? Am I really just hormonal and on some kind of period that really isn't a period and that's why I'm bloated and my boobs hurt? I don't know. I am going to think about it and process it all and try to understand what I'm feeling. I think it's important to try to take a step back and observe my reactions and figure out what they mean. I'm certainly not rushing to make an appointment to get the goalie removed. But I'm not so scared anymore. My husband and I will make this decision together and whatever and whenever we decide, it'll be fine.

In the meantime, I need to get my shit together and stop letting things slide on the weekends. I need to cut way back on my alcohol intake. I'm not in college anymore and this is getting ridiculous. Being healthy is important to me and I need to make it a priority. Right now today. 

Saving Money

So I was watching Oprah today and she had the alleged "thriftiest family in America" on. This family was insane - they were saving money at every turn, only using one cell phone for emergencies, cutting each other's hair, eating at only restaurants where the kids eat free, etc. And then another woman, the "coupon mom," bought $127 worth of groceries, and got $88 off from coupons and ended up spending only $39 for a week's worth of food for her entire family. She said she plans her entire week's worth of of meals based on what's on sale at that store. That week they had a whole chicken and free carrots. 

So here's the deal, I'm all for saving, and this is something I've been trying to do since we got back from Singapore. I've been using coupons where I see them, buying things on sale, that sort of thing. Here's my question though, and I know it's not a new question, but how do you reconcile eating healthy with saving money? 

For me, it's important to buy organic dairy and meat, and buy local if I can. I also like to buy organic produce whenever possible, although I'm not very militant about it. I feel those things are important to mine and my husband's health, and I guess I'm willing to pay a little bit extra for that. I also try to buy things with a low number of ingredients, no high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, those kinds of things. And I think we all know that sadly, the cheapest foods are often the ones with ingredients you can hardly pronounce and little to no nutritional value. Can we say Twinkies? 

So how does this work? How do I save money, yet still buy quality foods that will help me stay healthy? Americans spend less than ten percent of their income on food, while Europeans spend almost 30 percent. What's up with that? What are we spending our money on? What am I spending my money on? Makeup? Snowboarding? The gym? Cable Internet and HBO and clothes? I'm trying to save where I can, but I'm not going to skimp on quality food. And I love Big Love and Flight of the Conchords way too much to get rid of HBO. ;) So what's a girl to do? 

Monday Blah

STILL can't figure it out. This weekend was worse than ever. I think it's my surroundings. And maybe even my friends. It's my lack of structure. It's the overwhelming amount of choices. It's the stupid Super Bowl and the peanut butter cookies and the wine, oh the wine, and the tortilla chips and and and...

Okay, that's bullshit. It's all these things, but mostly it's just me. I make the decisions about what goes in my mouth and what doesn't. I am the one. And if I don't make good choices, I don't lose. It's as simple as that. 

I look at what I wrote last Friday, and I'm completely clear about my problems and what I need to do in order to get this weight off. The problem is turning those thoughts, these words on a page, into action. Action. Each freaking meal. Each day. One meal at a time. All of those things I know, I just need to do. 

I'm going back to South Beach pretty strict this week. I just need to see some success, and I know that works for me. I won't be doing Phase One again, but I will only have whole grain carbs one meal per day and fruit one meal per day. I'm also going to try to avoid alcohol for at least this week, if not more. Surely I should be able to do that. I think if I can get the scale moving in the right direction again, maybe I'll find that happy motivated good place I so desperately need right now. 

February is here. The year is moving on. And I won't let it be just another up and down year. That is not going to happen. Not again. 

Tracking

Oh man. Yesterday I kind of lost it. I went out for dinner with a girlfriend and she wanted to order chips and salsa. So we did. And of course I just totally overdid it. And once I did that I guess I was kind of like, oh well, my day's ruined, why not just make it worse? We did split a salad for our actual dinner, but I also had two beers, and then of course dug into the ice cream and dove squares when I got home. 

Sigh. 

Two steps forward, one step back. It's a roller coaster this thing. I know it's one I will never ever get off of either. Just the other day I was entering my food intake into SparkPeople, and the boy was watching and he asked how many years of tracking my food intake, weight, workouts, I have. Well, I've been tracking my weight on a weekly basis in an Excel spreadsheet since 2004. But I've been using SparkPeople sporadically since 2006, and it is crazy to me that I can go back and pick a random day, say September 5, 2006, and know I had oatmeal for breakfast, a salad for lunch, a luna bar, and some kind of egg and cheese tortilla concoction for dinner. I ate 1348 calories.  That is insane. Don't get me wrong, in a way it's cool to have all of this information, but in a way I'm wondering - where has all of this gotten me?

At that time in my life, I weighed .6 lbs more than I do now. It was about a month before my wedding and I was at one of my lowest adult weights. In the past 2+ years, I've re-gained, and then re-lost, more than 20 lbs. But I know I can go back and look at the big stretches where this is no information, where I wasn't tracking, and see that that is when I was gaining. 

Tracking works for me. It's a pain in the ass and sometimes I think I'm crazy for dealing with all of this information all the time, but I know it works. When I can see that I've already eaten X amount of calories and I need to keep dinner on the smaller side, that is a good thing. I think in a way, I'll probably always track calories. I like seeing the data right there in front of me, and knowing how it correlates to my weight. 

Anyway, today is a new day, and I'm going to do the best I can. Right now that means heading to the gym to burn off some of those tortilla chips. Not sure what's on tap for tonight, but tomorrow will be an early day so we can make it to Breck before the lines get too long. Wish me luck with my apres-ski eating challenges! 

Holy kickboxing! I love that class. Remind me why I haven't been going every week? Oh because I'm too lazy to get out of bed that early? Well no more. I am making a commitment to going every Wednesday. It is incredible. I am totally uncoordinated and just flail about most of the time but still, I love it. And I think I have a little girl crush on the instructor. 

So where the eff was Jillian on BL last night? It felt like she was barely in the episode, and honestly she is the whole reason I watch that show. I like seeing the workouts, the yelling and the screaming. The challenges and the hour-long weigh-ins don't really do it for me. I think they are stretching out the show to be way too long. Come on NBC, don't you have any other programming? I want more info about what they eat, what their workouts are really like, and I want more Jillian. Isn't Alison Sweeney an adorable pregnant person though? Somehow I don't think I'm going to be that adorable when I'm pregnant. 

Today it is finally warming up, which of course means all the snow is melting and there is dirty slush everywhere. I guess the mountains are getting dumped on, which means snowboarding this weekend though! I'm stoked to go, we've barely been up at all this year because of our traveling, but I finally got a helmet and I think that is going to lead to a lot more confidence on my snowboard. Maybe I'll venture on to some more blacks this year. We'll see. 

Still no news on the job front, not one freaking call. I'm giving it until the end of February and then I'm going to start exploring other options. Coffee shop? Retail? The idea of doing retail makes me want to poke my eyes out with a stick, so hopefully someone calls me soon. I guess in the meantime I'll keep doing the housewife thing. ;) 

I'm trying to stay on the South Beach wagon this week, so lunch will be leftover vegetarian chili (recipe from the book, made it for dinner last night) and dinner is out with the girls so I'll probably just order a salad. Oh yeah and I weighed in today, down 1.2 from last week. Still up about 2 lbs from my lowest, but I'm breaking through in February. It's happening baby! 

Catch Up

Hi. I'm still sucking at blogging. I also had a very personal moment and realized there are some people out there, in real life people, reading this, and I'm not sure if I like that. I know I am out there in this public forum doing this on the giant big Internet, but I don't know, it still feels anonymous. And mostly I like that. I went private for a minute, but I'm back now. We'll see how long it lasts. 

Anyway, things are okay. I haven't found a job. I haven't even gotten any call backs, which is insane to me. I don't know if I am just over-confident or what, but I feel like anybody who sees my resume should immediately want to call me. I mean I'm a bad-ass right? Yet, it's crickets. There could be a lot of reasons for this, of course the shitty economy being one, and the fact that I have this giant blank spot on my resume from living in Singapore, but I still feel like I should be getting calls. I need something to help me feel successful, and I feel like my career has always been one of those things. And I don't have that right now. 

It's okay though, I still sort of like being on my own every day and just being able to hit the gym whenever I want. Yesterday, even though it was snowing and single digit temps, I ventured out and hit the treadmill for an amazing workout. Ever since we got back from Singapore, I've had some trouble running because my body is taking FOREVER to adjust to being back at altitude. I've never had this problem before because I've lived here most of my life, so it has been a drag. But yesterday, I felt great. I hopped on the treadmill, started running, and didn't stop for 40 minutes. And I ran the whole time! No walk breaks. It felt amazing. My lungs felt great. My legs felt great. I spent the last 20 walking at an incline, and when I was finished I was so pumped. Runner's high is real. 

My main problem right now is social interaction and the fact that a lot of my social life revolves around drinking. There are so many people I still have to catch up with now that I'm back, and inevitably that involves happy hour or wine and cheese or something like that. It's not binging, but alcohol calories add up fast and they lead to me not reaching my goals. This is a constant struggle and I don't think I've figured out how to handle it yet. Just this week, I've got happy hours today (Tuesday), Wednesday, and Friday. Tonight I'm just going to get an Iced Tea and take the ribbing I'm sure to get. I'm thinking about ducking out of tomorrow's thing. But canceling social plans and hibernating, while it sounds nice, isn't always going to be an option. I have to figure this out somehow. 

On that note, I am going to head out to walk the dog and then go lift some weights. There are so many things I want to talk about, including Biggest Loser, DietTribe, life at the gym, my family's weight loss efforts, and jeans shopping, but it seems like every time I come here all I'm doing is playing catch up. Hopefully this will serve as a reminder for next time.

The Jobless Wonder

I am trying really hard to get back in the blogging groove. Why is this hard for me? I like reading. I like writing. It's not like I don't have the time right now. So it's morning and I'm going to try a morning-time post. 

Remember how I was all "oh pilates, that class was crap, etc. etc. complain complain."? Well yeah, my abs are ridiculously sore today. So I guess even though I hated the class, at least I got some good ab work in. Enough that it made turning over in bed last night quite a process. 

This morning I'm doing my usual no-job routine, which is to say get up, check email, blogs, twitter, etc. and see if there are any new job postings. There aren't. Make some hard-boiled eggs and coffee for breakfast. Give the dogger a little bit of leftover egg. Realize that probably wasn't a good idea in terms of the assault on my nose. Blog (this one is new). Take the dog on a walk, come back, go to the gym. Home, shower, more Internet and lunch and then figure out how to spend the afternoon. Usually it's some combination of cleaning/washing something and then some errand outing. 

Ugh. Looking at it written out it looks so pathetic. I think I need a job. My brain is melting. I miss having interaction with people. I miss getting creative. But the economy is what it is, and I will find a job if I can and in the meantime, I will try to do things I love and enjoy this time. I will read more books. Lots of books. I will figure out what to do with my travel blog. And I will go see Twilight (tonight!) because I still haven't seen it. 

I weighed myself again this morning and I'm still up. The gain does not seem to be going away. I'm resolved to have a low calorie day today. Which means no chocolate. I can do one day with no chocolate for crying out loud. The movie will be hard, but I will survive. 

I guess since I'm sooooo busy I better get moving. Have a good day everyone. 

Lots of things

Okay I think I've talked myself off of the ledge with the baby thing. I know I don't need to have a baby right this minute. If I want to work on myself for a while longer, be selfish and enjoy this time with my husband, that's okay. I've accepted that. Life is what you make it. And while I'm still thinking about starting a family pretty soon, I know whatever decision I ultimately make, this isn't the only thing that defines me. 

As far as the whole diet realm goes, I've been struggling a bit. I got back on the south beach bandwagon right after the new year, but it has definitely been harder sticking to it now that I'm faced with so many more temptations. This weekend I sort of lost my mind and had a crazy ridiculous day that included ordering pizza and Dairy Queen (WTF???). Anyway, this, along with numerous other indiscretions, led to a 1.8 lb gain this week. Boo. I totally deserve it, but it sucks. Once again I find myself wavering just over that 170 lb barrier. 

I don't know why but I just cannot seem to get past that number. It is driving me up the mother effing wall. It's like I get to this comfortable place, where I'm cozy and feeling on the thinner side and then all of the sudden I just hit a wall. And I gain. I realize I even talked about this in my last post, and then what did I go and do this week? I gained. Of course.

I have got to figure out some way to turn this around. I know what to do. But man it is hard. And this week is going to be a major test, because we are heading to Vegas for the weekend. Oh Vegas. Booze and food and no sleep. I'm going to try to combat those issues though and bring some healthy snacks, really watch my alcohol intake and stick to ordering the healthy basics I know will help get me toward my goals. 

In other news, I joined the big chain gym by my house, which is completely too crowded, but way less expensive than the gym I belonged to before I left for Singapore. I tried a pilates class this morning and absolutely hated it. I hated the instructor, all the people in there, everything about it. There was no direction on form, no fundamentals. We just flew through the exercises without a second thought. It sucked. If I hadn't had the basics of pilates down I would have had no clue what I was doing. And I probably would have injured myself. That is not good. I was really annoyed when the class was over, so I hopped on the elliptical and did 40 minutes to blow off some steam.  It ended up being an okay workout, but it still annoys me that they have crap classes like that at the gym. I did like kickboxing last week, so maybe I'll try that again next week. 

Tonight I'm making a delicious recipe that I found on Kalyn's Kitchen. It's baked chicken stuffed with sun-dried tomato pesto, basil and goat cheese. OMG this stuff is the bomb-diggity. I am on a big goat cheese kick now that I have access to it. I can hardly get enough. I'll probably pair this with a spinach salad (yes, with some goat cheese). On that note, I better get cooking!