Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy New Year's Eve!

Happy New Year's Eve! I hope you all have very fun plans tonight. We're going to a party at a friend's house, should be a nice last hurrah for the year.

I've been thinking about goals and what not this morning. I've spent about an a hour and a half so far just writing and planning and thinking about what I really need and want from 2007. I've decided to keep all of that stuff private for right now, not because I don't want to you guys to see it all, but because I just need to keep it close to my heart. I need it to be just for me in order to really make it work.

One thing I will say here though, and it's something I've written about before, is that I really need to not center my life so much around what I weigh, what I've eaten on any given day, and whether or not I've been to the gym. Those are all important things of course and will be important in my life moving forward, but right now I think I'm letting it control my moods a little too much.

Don't get me wrong, I am still blogging and I still plan to kick 2007 in the ass as far as fitness is concerned, but I have to find a way to calm down all of this internal dialogue that is constantly in my head. I don't know how I'm going to do that yet, but it's something I'm really going to work on for 2007.

Anyway, I hope you all had a fantastic 2006 and are looking forward to an even more fantastic 2007. I know I did, and I am! See you in the new year!

Thursday, December 28, 2006


Hi all. So I took Jodi's suggestion and made a few changes to my blog. It's different, but I like it. I also updated links - so if I put you on and you'd like to be removed or I missed someone, please let me know.

Looks like it's blizzard number 2 here in Denver, so we're getting all tucked in for the weekend. Okay it's probably not going to be a blizzard, but we're expecting at least a foot by morning and it's going to keep going after that. Wow.

I'll leave you all with a few pics from the festivities from the first blizzard last week. Please excuse my hat hair and lack of makeup. It was a blizzard - I was in my pajamas all day!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006


So Christmas. It was good. It was fantastic. I love my family so much. And my husband. So so much.

Unfortunately, I have not been on the wagon and I hate to say it, but it's just another year of me falling on my face during the holiday season. I do not handle it well. I love Christmas, but the stress this time of year brings, coupled with darkness, and this year the blizzard and the incident (see last post), just does me in. I have a million excuses, but the bottom line is I've fucked it up in the weight loss department. Again. Meh.

The first official married Christmas with the boy was amazing. It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtful and caring he can be. He really just wants me to be happy, which I love. And I know its hard for him to see me wallowing in self-pity and despair like I have been the past couple of weeks. So tomorrow is my birthday, and the boy is off buying himself a new video game console, so I'm thinking this is probably a good time for me to do some thinking about what exactly I'm looking for in my 27th year.

I think part of the reason I'm in a funk right now is because I am all out of big events to look forward to. 2006 was an incredible year for me, and I'll probably do a recap post in a couple of days, but to sum it up, I got engaged, I got bought my first home, I got married and I made a ton of progress on myself both mentally and physically. The fact that all those things have already happened though, means I'm sort of left without anything to anticipate. Of course I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I don't have that one defining event that I"m working toward the way I sort of did with my wedding. I mean don't get me wrong, my whole life is not about being a wife, but the wedding was just something I could set my sights on. And then I had Christmas, and my birthday. But now those things will be over too and the thought of having to get back to work and just live my boring life kind of makes me sad. It's really silly too, because I have an awesome life. I have a great husband that loves me and a cool little dogger and a fairly decent job that I enjoy for the most part.

Something just seems missing though, and I think that something is me finally coming to peace with my mental issues around food and exercise and my body. So in my 27th year, that's what I really want to do. And I don't want to hinge that on losing weight. Because I know that even if I do lose every single ounce I want to lose and hit my goal weight and look fabulous and am running marathons every damn day, I'm not going to be happy unless I make peace with my body image issues.

Unfortunately days like last week don't help. And days like today, where I went to Nordy's to try on some hot little jeans that I could barely get up over my big ass don't help either. So I think it's finding a happy medium. I think it's being mindful of the food I put in my mouth. It's realizing that I do want to lose some weight and I will have to make a few sacrifices (alcohol and dessert just to name a few). It's also realizing that if I slip up, or have bad days once in a while, that's going to be okay. Just as long as I don't let it get out of control the way I have this past couple of weeks. And as long as I don't let my relationship with food effect every single other aspect of my life. I need NOT to be thinking about what my next meal will be every minute, and whether it will be a healthy or an unhealthy choice, and how what I eat will effect the rest of my day.

I know it takes a lot of practice and a lot of dedication and hard work, but I want this year to be the year it really becomes a habit. The year eating right just comes naturally and I don't have to worry about it so much. I have about 30 lbs to go before I hit my goal weight. Honestly, that isn't that much. I want this year to be the year I get there. I want to spend my 28th birthday eve thinking about what ELSE I'm going to do instead of what I should have done. Like I said, I've achieved a lot this year, but I'm not there yet.

I guess my blog title still applies. I'm still becoming my future me. In fact, I probably always will be.

Right now I need to think about what it's going to take to get me through the rest of December. Tomorrow is my birthday. I plan to go to the gym in the morning to start the morning off right. I have a lunch out with the girls, and then happy hour with a friend who's in town, then dinner reservations with the boy and my sister and her boyfriend, but the restaurant is a surprise. I will make good choices at both restaurants, but I will be indulging a bit I'm sure and having some alcohol to boot.

After my birthday and the New Year's celebrations have come and gone, I'll start a new program, along with millions of other folks. This will be the same program I've been on, but it will just be a kick start for me to get into the new year. It will include lots of vegetables and working out and other things too. I'll write about it more once it commences. In the meantime, I'm going to try to enjoy my b-day tomorrow and get out of this stupid funk. Hope you all had an excellent holiday.


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

My Blizzard Day

So as I mentioned, things have not been going well. And then today, I pretty much had the worst possible day in the world. Let me give you the background:

Work has been sucky. I've been working long hours and it has really been cutting into my sleep, workout, and grocery shopping time. That, coupled with all of the holiday nonsense, leads to a cranky, weight gaining Jeni. I've been bloated and feeling like shit but I can't seem to get it in check. Every day I think about it, and every day I try, but then something or another happens and I end up stuffing my face with shit. And then I end up feeling like shit.

Every day I make excuses and then every day I beat myself up and it's becoming a vicious cycle. I'm unhappy and I feel guilty and I'm not in a good place as far as my body is concerned. Mentally, I'm just fucked up when it comes to every decision I make. And I just don't want to worry about it anymore. But I have to, because I'm not at my goal weight, and if I'm not mindful, I will gain all of this weight back and then some.

So yeah, all that, and I'm feeling shitty. That's the basic background info. So last night I was at work late, and we had a big presentation in Boulder this morning, and my boss was unhappy and it wasn't really my fault but I was the only one there and she just needed someone to take it out on so I got the brunt of it. All I wanted to do was go home and crash.

Instead I had to go to a mediocre french restaurant with some friends for a birthday celebration. I wanted to eat well, and I tried, but I succumbed to some wine as soon as I got there because of my shitty day. And I just wanted some wine. I had bread, soup, and risotto (the vegetarian plate). Tons of carbs. But it was cheap and I didn't want to spend 25 bucks on some fish that wasn't really going to be good anyway.

Got home and went to bed feeling bloated and yucky, knowing I had to wake up in 6 hours to brave the coming onslaught of snow to drive to Boulder for a client presentation. The drive to Boulder wasn't that bad, the snow wasn't really coming down to much yet and we made it there rather quickly (for the record, it's regularly about an hour or so from my office in rush hour traffic).

Had the client presentation, it went well, I thought I sounded smart. I was tired, but I had one big presentation down and one to go. By this time it was around 11 or so and the snow had really started coming down. My colleagues and I were standing in the lobby chatting with the client, who's fairly new and we've just met, but getting ready to go scrape the car. I'm going to use fake names, but here's how the conversation went. Keep in mind there were about seven people standing here - five people on my team and two clients.

Joe: "I'm going to go scrape the car"
Jeni: "Sounds good, we'll be here" (in joking manner)
New client man: "Hey, that sounded kind of sexist" (trying to joke, team laughing nervously)
"Maybe we should let the man stay inside and make the pregnant lady go scrape the car." (Turns to Jeni) "You're pregnant, right?"
Jeni: (Stammering) Ugh, no, I guess my scarf just looks big under my coat
Team immediately disperses and says goodbye, goes to the car. Jeni bites her lip trying not to start crying.
Sarah quietly says to Jeni: "You don't look pregnant."
Jeni dies a little inside.

Car ride home from Boulder in what's been deemed the holiday blizzard of 2006 takes 3 hours. Five people squashed in a little car trying not to complain and just make it down freaking US 36 alive. Of course everyone nervously avoids what just happened. Jeni is depressed.

Meanwhile, we haven't eaten anything all day. Everyone talking about how hungry then are but Jeni is afraid to talk about food because she's so fucking fat she obviously looks pregnant.

Once we got back to the office, I got in my car and drove directly home (took an hour), at which point I proceeded to down some tortilla chips and salsa, a half a pint of Ben & J3rry's and some beer. And snap at loving husband even though he's just trying to make me feel better.

And that's why I had the worst day ever.

I love severe weather. I love blizzards. It's usually fun, right? But while other people's offices are closing tomorrow, I have to work from home and deal with a bunch of client crap and talk to people who have just witnessed one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Anyway, I want to write about what I'm going to do. I want to write about my plans for 2007 and my goals and what I'm going to do and how I'm going to fix my fat pregnant belly. But right now I just want to cry. For fuck's sake I can't even pick which tense I want to write in, let alone write down some coherent goals.

Why do people have to be such assholes? I mean, I get that I'm sort of chubby still, and I don't try to act like I'm skinny. I don't wear inappropriate clothing and I don't draw attention to the area. I know my belly is a problem area, but I don't think it's disproportionate with the rest of my fat. Whatever. I'm not going to even think about it anymore. I'm just going to go to bed. I hate people.*

*Of course not you guys, but everyone else.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


So things aren't great right now. I'm holding steady around 174ish but my workouts are nill, I'm completely unmotivated and stressed and having a hard time dealing with the holiday season. I'll try to post more this weekend, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive. Barely.

Saturday, December 02, 2006


Saturday afternoon and I'm wasting it by sitting here watching Jurassic Park 3. Probably one of the worst movies of all time. I could be watching a variety of Oscar-worthy films but instead I'm watching this. And I'm completely enthralled. I just can't stop. In fact I can barely write this post because my eyes are glued to the TV.

It makes me wonder, if I was trapped on an island being chased by dinosaurs that were probably smarter than I was, would I be able to survive? I'd have to do a lot of running, and climbing up trees and finding caves to hide in. I'd have to swim across rivers and there would be no hot shower waiting for me when I was through.

I'm probably not in good enough shape yet to survive being chased by dinosaurs. Well the raptors at least. I bet I could outrun a brontosaurus though. At least that's something.