Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Frozen Meal Hell

I am in frozen meal hell right now. You may or may not know that I can't cook. I mean seriously. I suck at it. I make due though, usually with sandwiches or pasta, things that are easy and quick.

I realize though, that I need to get on the ball and just figure it out. Out of six meals in the past two days, I've had three frozen meals. Now these are great for portion control. They help me stick to my points and even help me get in my vegetables. But they have a ridiculous amount of sodium and icky preservatives. So I need to chill with the frozen meals. But what am I going to eat?

Here's a typical day in the life of Jeni (and on plan day anyway):

Breakfast: All Bran Bar, Yogurt w/ Fiber One, or Cereal
Lunch: Turkey Sandwich, Pita and Hummus, or Frozen Meal (usually with carrots or some sort of fruit)
Snack: Granola Bar (usually before a bike ride)
Dinner: Frozen Meal, Spaghetti, Soup and Salad, something else easy

Looking at it now, it certainly doesn't look that great. And that's supposed to be a healthy day. Crikey. I try to throw in veggies whenever I can. I don't eat much meat, mostly just turkey, chicken, sometimes tuna and other fish. I'm going to thaw out some turkey meat for tomorrow and try to make some chili or something. I suppose that will have a lot of sodium too. But at least it'll be fresh. I am an adult. I can cook dinner. I just need a little guidance sometimes. Anyone have any thoughts?

On the exercise front, my obliques are seriously sore from yoga. I had an awesome bike ride tonight, although my tire is having issues and I need to figure that out. It's the middle of the week and I feel good.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Doing Okay

Okay so thanks for your comments. It isn't about being completely perfect. It's about making this part of my life. You guys are right. Oh I do like blogging! It's so nice to hear from people going through the same thing I am.

I did a Firm yoga video this morning. It's amazing how one yoga workout can calm me down and change my perspective. Of course I'm back on my mid-week kick. One thing I've definitely realized though, is that even though I enjoy having some drinks with my friends on the weekend, I'm depressed the next day after I drink alcohol. I just feel guilty and bad about myself. I don't like that feeling. So I'm going to work on that. It's not that I drink that much. But even that little bit makes me feel icky. And I don't want to feel icky.

I rode 22 miles on Sunday, all the way to the Cherry Creek Reservoir and back. It was awesome. And hot. And I was a little hung over. But it really helped my mood. It appears I may not lose any weight for Renee's challenge. But I'm thinking I need to stop worrying about the numbers so much. I have made a lot of progress during this challenge regardless of the number. I've ridden my bike longer than I ever had before. I made it up a huge hill without stopping or falling over. I've found a sport to do with the boy that we both love.

I'm doing okay. I want to lose weight. But I'm doing okay.

Sunday, August 28, 2005


I'm having a hard time right now. Friends in town from D.C. and I've let my eating go to shit. Literally. I ate a bad Mexican dinner last night. I drank too much. I ate pizza late night. These are the old habits from college that led to a seemingly neverending weight gain.

I just can't seem to find that place where I'm completely dedicated to my eating. I'm still doing well with working out. But the food thing isn't so easy. Friends are leaving town tomorrow, and the boy is going on business travel this week as well. Hopefully this week will be a chance for me to get back on track.

I guess I didn't even post my normal Friday weigh in. I gained 1.5 lbs to put me back at 185.5. It sucks. In the past six weeks I basically haven't lost any weight. I'm going to struggle to take off even a few pounds for Renee's challenge.

I'll try to post again when I'm in a better mood. Right now I'm just really down.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Wow. Thanks to those who mentioned I should take it easy for my first week back to work. You guys were right. I am exhausted. I managed a ride yesterday after work, but tonight I'm going to have to take a day off from working out. I just can't muster up the energy. I know a ride would probably invigorate me, but I have a flat and the thought of changing a tire, going on a ride and semi-darkness, and then staying awake past 10 is almost more than I can take. So I'll rest.

I've been mostly on track with my goals for the week, although I did eat a few activity points yesterday. I haven't been stress eating, I managed a workout, and I've been eating a good breakfast every morning. Okay I'm only two days in, but still. I think the breakfast thing will be easy. I can definitely see the need for happy hour arising soon though.

I've pretty much accepted I won't be making my Labor Day goal, which sucks. That also means I won't be filling a beaker of fat for Renee's challenge. But I'm still going to get as close as I can.

Losing weight is so hard. So all-consuming.

I'm mostly in a good place emotionally. I want to stay here. But I know if I don't actually lose some weight, instead of bobbing up and down within the same five pounds, I'm eventually going to get fed up. And that means I'll either let it all go to hell and gain, or I'll get hardcore and lose. Right now, I've got a lot of change to deal with. I'm going to focus on performing well in my new job, loving my boy, my family, and my friends, and being the best person I can be. This includes taking care of my body. Eating well. Riding my bike. Getting enough sleep. If I lose over the next couple of weeks, great. If I maintain, fine. I don't want to use this life change as an excuse to gain though. I won't.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Weekend Wrap Up

Tomorrow is the big day. I start my new job. I think I'll be fine. But still I'm nervous. This weekend has had its ups and downs. Last night we went out to a nice dinner. And I chose the fish, just like I said I would. But unfortunately the fish wasn't very good and I ended up mostly eating mashed potatoes. Not so good. And as often happens after a big meal out, I came home way too full. I paid for it on the scale this morning.

I know I know, I'm not supposed to weigh in every day. But I usually do. I never count it until Friday morning though. I'm good about that at least.

Today has been great. We rode 22.12 miles and it was awesome! We even maintained a 14.5 mph pace, which is the fastest I've gone for a ride that long. That feels good. I do know I should be doing even longer rides on the weekend at this point, but for some reason I'm scared to go over that 22 mile mark. Maybe next weekend.

Food has also been good today. I've earned a LOT of activity points but I will probably only eat one or two. Hopefully those calories burned will go toward some poundage lost!

So goals for my first week back with a full time job are:

1. Eat breakfast every day.
2. Work out at least 3 out of 5 business days.
3. Stick to 24 points every day.
4. No stress eating!

I think these goals are attainable. The stress eating will probably be the toughest goal, but I know I can do this. There are only 2 weeks left in Renee's challenge and I have to lose 2 lbs a week to make my goal. If I don't make it; I'll be okay. But if I do make it; I'll be ecstatic!

Friday, August 19, 2005

Weigh-In Day

Down .5 today to put me right at 184. Now I know a .5 loss is pretty miniscule, but I'm happy because it is still a loss and represents two weeks in a row of losing now. Which is awesome! Because I'm the type of person who, when I see a good loss one week, instead of getting even more motivated, usually takes that as an excuse to overeat and then of course I gain it back the next week. And on. And on. And on.

Thus the reason why I haven't lost a significant amount of weight in the past year.

Any who.

Back to my loss. I dare say it may have even been a bigger loss if I hadn't had my monthly visitor, but that's just an excuse so I'll try to put it out of my mind. My net loss for Renee's challenge is still only 1.5 lbs because of my big gain in the first two weeks, so I still have a way to go to hit my beaker, and of course my personal goal of being under 180 by Labor Day. I think I can do it though. I'm aiming high.

I have one weekend left until I start my new job. Now normally this would be an excuse for me to go hog wild and eat everything in sight because I'm getting ready to encounter that next milestone in my career and other such bullshit excuses. But this weekend I am NOT going to do that. I'm going to dinner with my parents to celebrate, but I will once again choose the fish. In fact, I think "choose the fish" is going to be my new mantra. I kind of like the sound of that. It's funny how words can take on strange new meanings in my head. To me, choosing the fish is somehow symbolic of my decision to take on a healthy lifestyle. To get outside and work my body and to enjoy activity more than couch surfing and to eat fruits and veggies and ride my bike and avoid too much sugar and to, you know, choose the fish.

So this weekend will not be a binge fest. I will eat well so that come Monday morning, I feel refreshed and healthy rather than bloated and disgusting for my first day. Yes. I will choose the fish.

Edit: Today Slim Spirited has a great question for what she calls Fit and Fabulous Friday! What keeps you going on the weekends? Check it out!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


So yesterday I was all gung ho about The Firm, which I hadn't done in a while even though I had said I was going to do it twice a week. Typical. But I did it yesterday, which is what counts. And I am so effing sore it is unbelievable. That "I have to lower myself down on the toilet like I'm pregnant because my legs hurt so bad" type of sore. You know, the kind where it hurts to dry your hair because you don't want to hold your arms up for so long. The kind where... well you get the idea. I'll quit complaining. But ow.

So this morning I decided to do a sort of recovery ride type of thing just to clear out my muscles a little and help with the soreness. I think it was probably a good decision because I'm feeling a little better. But I was SO slow. Probably the slowest I've been since I got my bike about 6 weeks ago. I only rode 10 miles, but at least I got out there. It's better than nothing. In fact it's pretty damn good if I think about where I've come from.

Last night went well as far as the fourth night in a row having dinner out. I had the halibut and asparagus, no dessert, and only one tiny slice of bread. It's nights like that where I know I can make good decisions when I'm out in social situations. But unfortunately those nights are fairly rare right now. I'm working on it though. We'll see how this weekend goes.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Rawr! I'm feeling especially fabulous today for no apparent reason. I'm starving (2 days and counting until the monthly visitor) but that hasn't really stopped me from feeling great. I credit it all to The Firm. I did Complete Body Sculpting this morning and my legs are all wobbly and tired but I just feel like such a strong woman. Just like Keryn, who has reminded herself that she is an athlete. Go Keryn! Well I'm an athlete too damn it! I feel good.

No bike today, but that's okay because I did the Firm workout and my ass needs a break from the bike every once in a while. I may have a lot of padding there, but too much time in the saddle and I'm definitely feeling it. I think I need to obtain some of that Chamois Butter I've been reading about.

So tonight will mark the 4th night in a row that I've had dinner out at a restaurant, and this is not even by choice people. It's the boy's brother's b-day (if that makes sense) so we're going to fancy Elway's. Yes folks, this is the famous quarterback John Elway's steakhouse. It's actually pretty yummy, and I plan to get some sort of fish, but it's a little expensive. Oh well, it's a celebration. I've heard they even have some sort of retro Ding Dong dessert, but you can bet I'll be avoiding that. I don't need no stinkin' Ding Dong. See ya on the flip!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Back to the Grind

I officially have a job. I start next Monday. I'm excited about the company and the position. And I'm really excited to not have to worry about money all of the time anymore and have something to do with my days. I'll miss leisurely mornings of waking up at 9:30, working out whenever I want, and hanging out with the dogger all day. But at least I'll have something productive to do.

This brings me to a new set of anxieties. Will I fit in to any of my old work clothes? Will my clothes be stylish? Will I get along with my colleagues? Will I be the fattest person in the room? All day long. Every day. All week. I hate this question. But I know it's a question I'll always ask myself. I have my confident days. I know I have a pretty face. Believe me, I've heard that one a million times. As many overweight women have. I like my hair. I dress well. I'm smart and get along with people. But starting a new job is hard. So I'm excited, but I'm nervous.

The good news is, the position is about 4 miles away from my house and I plan to ride my bike once in a while. Hopefully even a lot. I'll save money and I'll burn some calories at the same time. I am concerned about getting all beautified before work and then putting on my helmet and getting all sweaty and gross before I even get to the office. How do people who ride to work deal with that issue? Do they take their work clothes in a bag and change at the office? I need to find someone who does this so I can figure it all out. At this point I'll probably drive the first couple of days or maybe even weeks until I'm sure of the culture around the office, etc...

As far as eating habits go, hopefully I'll be surrounded by colleagues who make healthy choices. I plan to bring my lunch most days of the week, but I'm easily influenced by candy dishes lurking on desks and things of that nature. But, they say it takes 21 days to make a habit, so if I start out eating well hopefully it will just become routine.

Now I have one more week of freedom before I'm hitting it hard from 8:30-5:30 or longer. I'm going to ride my bike every day. I'm even going to do a test run to the new office. I'm going to go out to dinner to celebrate my new position. I'm going to spend a lot of time with the dogger. And I'm going to enjoy being me.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Some Days

Last week was awesome. I lost 2.5 lbs. Now the boy is home. And I think this week is going to be much more difficult. Losing weight is easier when I can just hole up inside my apartment, decline lunch and dinner invitations and spend lots of time working out. I didn't work out Friday or Saturday. I've eaten almost every meal this weekend out at a restaurant. Which means I've eaten a shitload of points. Still haven't used up all of my flex points, but that's only because I rode 17 miles today and counted allegedly earned 10 activity points (according to WW Online Activity Points Calculator). And my heart rate monitor said I burned 1316 calories.

But dammit those calories are supposed to be for creating a deficit, not just so I can eat way too much food. Again its the weekend issues. And again I say I'm going to be better during the week. And I know I can do better this week. But I don't know if I'll make up for the damage I've caused these past two days. Some days its easy. Some days its just so hard.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Weigh-In Day

Down 2.5 this week to 184.5! I guess I shouldn't have been worried after all. This has been a great week overall; I'm proud of myself for kicking some 'arse this week. It's strange though, how I'm slightly depressed at seeing this weight. I'm happy and I feel good about the progress that I'm making, but I can't help thinking about where I could be if I hadn't gone off program. I suppose I just need to focus on the positive changes and let go of any negativity and guilt. I see my weight chart though, and I see how it was down at 176 earlier this year, and it makes me kind of sad.

I guess that's just part of the mental conflict I experience as a part of losing weight. I think most people who are going through this process question themselves, and I'm no different. Am I doing this for the right reasons? I think so. But I don't want my weight to envelop me; to become the only thing I think about, the only thing I do. Maybe I'll go ride my bike. I think it will help clear my head.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Random Update

OH MY gawd I am so hungry right now. Phew. Just wanted to get that off of my chest. I just went to get a highlight/cut and it took forever. And I only had a small Jamba Juice for lunch, not exactly a good choice but it was the only thing I had time for.

I'm feeling much much better today, so I went on a ride this morning. Did 12.67 miles, but I did go at a slower pace than I normally do. Which is fine, I don't want to push it too hard. I also road through a section of the park where the sprinklers were on and got completely drenched, and not in a good way. Of course they use lake water in the sprinklers, so it was disgusting and dirty and just gross. It would have been nice if it would have been super hot out, but of course it wasn't. Ah well such is life.

So I'm completely out of food and need to go grocery shopping terribly. I'm cooking up a South Beach Diet Pizza, which is pretty much my only option right now. It's probably not the best choice considering all the sodium it has and that tomorrow is my weigh in day, but its better than Pizza Hut.

The boy was supposed to come home from London today, but stupid British Airways obviously doesn't pay its people enough because the catering group has decided to strike. I feel so sorry for him, having to sit at the airport all day, then go back to the hotel, then figure out how the hell he's going to get home. He's decided to fly out of Gatwick on American Airlines instead, so at least he'll get home at some point. I just feel for him; traveling delays are the worst. Especially when all you want to do is be at home.

I don't know why, but I'm terrified of my weigh in tomorrow. Probably because I gained 1.5 last week, and I was really disappointed. I really want to get rid of that gain plus a little, and I think I've done all I can do to lose this week. I ate right. I exercised. I got enough sleep. I guess that's what's so scary. If I can't lose on a week where I've given it my all, how will I ever lose this weight? I'm not going to worry about that until tomorrow though.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

My Little Secret

Argh. Stupid blogger. I had an entire post written and voila, it disappears when I go to publish. Turns out blogger was down for an hour for maintenance. I guess I should have known realized. Oh well. New post.

Today I am not feeling well. I haven't mentioned this yet, but I guess its time to go ahead and get it out there, seeing as how I've put pretty much everything else out there so far. I have psoriasis, and a pretty bad case of it. It's mostly all over my hands and feet, but I have little spots all over my body. It's annoying, but its not life threatening, and its something I've lived with since I was 18. It appeared during my freshman year in college, coinciding with some serious stress as well as weight gain. I guess I've always secretly thought if I lost weight it might go away. I know that's probably not the case because all of the doctors say it doesn't really have anything to do with how much you weigh. But still. A girl can dream.

Anyway, so yesterday I started a new treatment for my psoriasis, it's called Raptiva, and I give it to myself via injection once a week. The side effects for your first injection include flu-like symptoms, but its supposed to subside after the first two to three injections. Today I'm feeling achey, feverish, tired, and just all around icky. So I skipped my workout in favor of a nap.

This makes two days in a row without working out, and I definitely feel restless. I hate skipping a day when I planned to ride. But I know I need to take care of my body, so rest was probably the best thing for me to do today.

Food-wise, things are going very well. I've been sticking to my points, even though I did break down and go get a salad from Whole Food's last night. I'm glad I did though, because I got in some much needed veggies. I'm also sitting here drinking my first ever cup of Adagio tea, and I must say it is quite delicious. I got a new teapot as well. So fun! Nicole, if you pop by here, thanks for promoting this tea on your site. It's so yummy!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Today I am battling food boredom. I'm not off track. I don't want to get off track and I don't plan to get off track. But I am severely lacking when it comes to cooking skills. It's actually not so much that I can't cook. It's just that I don't want to. It's just not something I enjoy. I enjoy going out to eat, it's fun for me. And we eat out a lot. Partly because we like to, partly because of time constraints, and partly because I don't really like to cook. The boy likes to cook occasionally, but not often.

Anyway, I ate every meal of the day at home yesterday. Now to some people, that sounds completely normal. But for me it really isn't. And I had breakfast and lunch at home today as well. I have 14 points left for the day, and I want to go out. I guess I just want to get out of the house more than anything. I know I shouldn't spend money, but it's either buy groceries or go buy a cheap dinner. I'm thinking maybe Quizno's. Or Jamba Juice. Oh god this is bad. I'm sitting here; I just finished lunch, and I'm spending my afternoon thinking about what I can have for dinner.

Okay in other news, I'm taking today off from working out. Yesterday was a tough ride and I think my body needs some time to recover. It's so weird though, I almost hate to take the day off. It's exciting because I'm finally back in that place where working out is such an important part of my life, I just don't feel right if I take too much time off. Now if the scale will only budge this week.

Monday, August 08, 2005


I wrote in an earlier post, last week, that I didn't think my problem was binging. But I've been thinking about that a lot lately. And I think I was lying to myself, and the Internet, when I wrote that. Yes it is true that I have a major problem with eating in social situations. It is no doubt my biggest obstacle. But that isn't the only reason that I weigh what I do. I too, like so many others out there, use food as an emotional crutch.

Two years ago, when I moved to Washington D.C., I was all alone. I was so excited, I was moving across the country ALL BY MYSELF and I was going to go to grad school. But I was also terrified. I was leaving my family, who'd been no more than 45 minutes away for my entire life. Now they were going to be a 4 hour plane ride, minimum. I was leaving the boy and attempting a long distance relationship. I've always been an independent person; it's something I pride myself on. But it can also be overwhelming to be alone.

My mom drove out to D.C. with me and helped me set up my apartment. I had no furniture. I had a bed, a desk, and a T.V. stand with a tiny T.V. on it. I had an empty living room. No couch, no nothing. The day my mom left I sat on the floor in that empty room and cried. My dog was scared to death. But he couldn't have been half as scared as I was. So I ordered a pizza. Pizza Hut pan pizza, black olives only. And I got a bottle of wine. A bottle of wine and a pizza from Pizza Hut became my new friends.

Grad school is hard. And making new friends in a new city is hard. There were countless nights in those first months when I ordered that pizza and drank that wine. And sure, all the while I tried to maintain a diet program of some sort. But I binged when I was sad, when I missed the boy and my family, and when the work just got too stressful. Because I thought those things could fill me up.

I haven't binged in a while. I've lost 30 lbs since those days. I've gained 15 of them back, but it wasn't due to binging. I'm back to losing those pounds now, and I'm feeling good about where I'm going. I'm finally back home, in a city where I'm happy. I have my family and friends and the boy close at hand. And I'm using my free time to do things I've always wanted to do, like ride a bike further than I ever imagined.

I may see the dormant binging monster that lies inside of me wake up once more. He may be gone for good. I'm not going to lie and say that Pizza Hut and a bottle of wine don't appeal to me right now, at this very minute. But right now, I like how I'm feeling mentally. And I don't want to ruin that with grease and alcohol. I don't need those things to fill me up.



I did another 20 miles today (21.5 actually, but who's counting? Oh yeah ME!), and I think I need a nap. I didn't have my usual peanut butter on a whole wheat English muffin for breakfast, and I waited until noon to leave, and the combination of the heat and lack of good protein in my system made me tired. Very tired. I didn't bonk, but I think I might have been close. I've read a little bit about bonking but I've never done it, at least I don't think I have.

I started out with Frosted Mini Wheat's this morning because I wasn't really planning on going for a long ride, just maybe doing some elliptical or something of that nature. But I felt like riding, so I went. I went the opposite direction of my normal route, and rode down the Platte River Trail for quite a while. I was even considering making today my 30 mile ride, but it started getting incredibly hot and my arms looked like little red sausages, so I turned back. Also there was this man in a red jersey riding behind me for about 7 miles or so, and I started getting paranoid about it.

This is how my paranoid mind works. Instead of thinking, oh this man thinks I'm riding at a good pace and he's just using me to pace himself, I start thinking this: This man is a rapist. He's going to follow me until I get super tired. Then when I pull over for a rest, he's going to make his move and attack me on this random trail and I barely even know where I am. And I'm going to be so tired from this ride, I won't even be able to fight.

What the eff is wrong with me? I pulled over and let the man go by. Turns out he's probably about 150 years old. No wonder he thought I was going at a good pace! I'm so freaking negative sometimes. But the good news is, he sort of inspired me. I mean I hope I'm that old and I'm still riding. Okay he was really 150, but he did have some serious wrinkles going on.

Anyway back to the ride. So I was getting sunburned, so I turned back around at the Overland Golf Course (I think that's the name). Luckily I thought ahead enough to put some sunscreen on, but I didn't think about that little space on my back where my shirt rides up when I'm tucking. So now I have this funny little sunburn line on my lower back. Eh. This is just one more reason why I need a cycling jersey instead of a cheap Old Navy tank top. Oh how I wish. I also really want to move to clipless pedals and shoes, but alas, I lack the funds.

At about 17 miles, I stopped at Confluence Park for a little rest, and seriously considered eating my granola bar. The thought of eating it didn't sound great, and I only had 4.5 miles left, so I decided against it. Bad move. With 2 miles left I was struggling. I pulled over and ate half of the granola bar. I gave the rest to a homeless man looking through the trash. And I pushed through the heat to make it home, but it was definitely a slower ride than it should have been. I"m new to doing these long distances, but I'm pretty sure I need to put some Gatorade or something in one of my water bottles. I think.

I came home, sat on the couch for a while, finally got off of my arse and had a shower and some real food, and now I just want to sleep. But I'm not going to. I'm going to take the dogger for a walk.

I weighed myself this morning and it wasn't pretty and I'm pissy about that. Why am I working out so much and not losing. I need to do a math post like Joy, but I'm too lazy and not good enough at tracking my calories. I feel like I've said this before. I probably have.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Weekend Wrap Up

This weekend was 100% better than last weekend. It wasn't perfect in the sense of clean eating, but I think it was great considering the conditions.

Friday night, after my 20 mile ride, we ended up at cheesy Denver landmark Casa Bonita with about 15 other people. You probably don't know anything about Casa Bonita, so let me just tell you that it isn't so well-known for its food. This huge Mexican restaurant seats about 1100 people, and judging from my experience it's mostly families with screaming kids. The restaurant has indoor cliffs complete with cliff divers, little one-act plays, Black Bart's cave, and an arcade. When you enter you are shuffled through a line and pick up your food buffet style, with choices of beef or chicken all-you-can eat plates. Yuck. Well being my picky self (don't eat beef, very sensitive with other meat) I ended up with a cheese enchilada plate. I ate the processed cheese enchiladas because I knew I had to have something in my stomach or else the beers I planned on having would go to my head. They weren't a great choice point-wise, but they were the best I could do in the situation. I'm not going to bust out a Zone bar or something in front of 15 of my friends. Sorry but I just can't do that. And I'm proud of myself for not overeating just because I had the all you can eat opportunity.

Saturday I took my little sister to see a movie. A movie all about candy. I think you know which one I'm talking about. I refrained from the candy but I did have some popcorn, but I had the points for it so it was fine. I also took yesterday as a rest day workout-wise to recover my long ride on Friday.

Today I did a short, 10 mile ride, and ate clean all day until tonight, we went to Chili's. I had some fries, which dipped me into activity and flex points, but it's still fine because that's what those points are for right? I feel a little fuller than I'd like to, but overall I'm pretty happy with my weekend. I'm feeling great about all the riding I've been doing, and I'm thinking about trying out 30 miles this week at some point. We'll see if I actually get up the nerve to do it without the boy along for moral support (he's out of town) but I'd really like to. I played around with the most excellent gmap Pedometer, and I think I could find some really cool routes.

This is the first weekend in a while that I've actually had flex points left on Sunday night, so I'm feeling really great about that. I'd like to keep those flex points all week and see how that contributes to my loss this week (because I do plan on losing this week). The goal of course will not be a weight loss goal, although secretly I'd like to get rid of that 1.5 lb gain from the last 2 weeks as well as another .5. But scale weight aside, I'd like to continue to focus on getting my veggies in and kicking up my mileage on the bike. Now it's off to read before bed!

Friday, August 05, 2005

My Thumbs Hurt

My thumbs hurt.

I decided to do my 20 mile ride today. Not for any specific reason, but just because I felt really good when I was out there. The temperature was perfect and I just felt good. I tried to keep my heart rate down a bit, but I ended up averaging about 155, which is still pretty high I guess. Final numbers were:

Distance: 20.57 miles
Time: 1.35.06
Avg. Speed: 13.4
Avg. Heart rate 155
Calories Burned: 1634.

Can you believe I burned that many calories? I can't. I still can't believe I burn as many calories as I do every time I work out. But I trust my heart rate monitor. It's new. It's not that fancy. But I trust it. Am I wrong to trust it? I don't use that calories burned number as an excuse to eat more. I try to stick with WW activity points. It's hard for me to tell really because I haven't been tracking my food as well as I should be, and I've definitely been eating more calories than I've burned over the past two weeks at least. Thus the gain.

But back to my thumbs. I think I rest a lot of my weight on my thumbs when I'm riding, especially when I'm trying to stay right on the breaks in case I get going to fast (which I'm still very scared of). So I'm working on not resting on my thumbs. But I can tell my legs are getting stronger. Hills still kill me. I was going so slow up one hill this afternoon that I was practically at a dead stop. I was wobbling. I was about to fall over. But I pushed through. For about two more strides. Then I had to stop and turn around. So yes, I need to work on hills. I live in Denver. I have giant mountains less than 50 miles away. If I ever want to climb one of those giant mountains I need to work on the hills.

But I feel good about the ride, it's the furthest I've gone yet. I'm sort of all over the place with my workouts, no real schedule or plan, but at least I'm doing them. Even if I'm wobbling occasionally.

Weigh-In Day

As of 2 weeks ago I was at 185.5. Today I weighed in at 187, for a 2 week gain of 1.5. I'm disappointed, but I guess I knew it was coming. I ate poorly while in Texas and I'm paying for it now. So as of today I'm modifying my labor day goal of 175.5, which is just unrealistic at this point. And if I don't succeed I don't want to be feeling guilty and pissed off at myself. Instead I'm going to work toward getting under 180. Even if that means 179.5 (my scale weighs me in .5 increments). I will do this by labor day. I will have lost my one beaker of fat, and hopefully even a little more.

What this means though, is that there is little room for straying off plan. Tonight a bunch of people will be coming over to hang out and then go out in my neighborhood. There will be beer. And I will drink some. But I don't want to get drunk because I don't want to feel like shit tomorrow and I want to go on a ride tomorrow. I'm doing an easy ride today, probably about 10 miles depending on the condition of the trail. I want to do 20 tomorrow. And I know I won't do that if I overdo it tonight.

I know today will be the day I use my flex points, which is fine because the boy is going out of town for work tomorrow so I should be able to eat at home all week long. But even so, I don't want to eat 50 points today just because it's Friday. I guess I'm just sitting here trying to psych myself up for tonight, because I know I'm going to encounter lots of challenges. But like I said in my previous post, I'm going to be in a social situation and I'm going to think about Renee's challenge and all of the ladies out there who are kicking some fat ass!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Okay. So I said I meant it. But yesterday I completely screwed up. It's the lure of free food I guess. Right now money is really tight because I still don't have a job. But eating out is one of my favorite pastimes (no doubt much of the reason why I'm so hefty). Suffice it to say yesterday I ate out, for free, for both lunch and dinner. And no I did not make good decisions.

But I'm back today. I wonder how many times I've said that? Will I always say it, for the rest of my life? Or will one day actually be the day that I say I'm back and then I stay back? Maybe. But then again, I don't really think of these little slip-ups as "falling off the wagon," per se. Instead I think of them as little obstacles that I need to overcome. And hopefully those obstacles will make me that much better. And make me work that much harder.

Today for instance, I rode my bike 15 miles. I burned 1374 calories. And it felt great. After a workout like that I should be starving. I'm not today, most likely because I overate yesterday. But I'm not going to eat just because I have the points. Today I've been eating until I feel satisfied. And that's all I really need to eat every day. But when there's a plate of free pizza sitting there, somehow I can't just eat until satisfied. I have to eat until stuffed.

Maybe this all has to do with my Type-A, stingy personality. Or maybe it has to do with my childhood. I'm reading Tales From the Scale right now. And I feel some sort of connection with these women. I read it at night, then I go to sleep full of optimism and ideas about my future me. But somehow I can't get those thoughts to stay with me. When I'm out to dinner and I encounter a plate of nachos I can't remember those inspiring women. Instead I think about why shouldn't I be able to eat the same thing as my skinny friend, and everyone else at the table. I have a serious problem making good decisions in social situations.

You'd think it would be in those situations that I would feel most self-conscious about my food choices. I've heard countless stories about overweight women choosing celery at a BBQ but binging on oreos at home. And that's the struggle they face. And I know it's a hard one.

But I think my struggle is different. I go to a BBQ and eat chips the entire time. I try to minimize the amount of food people actually see me eat, don't get me wrong, but I still eat way too much. And people do see me eat it. And I know it's why I haven't lost more weight. I'm not lacking in exercise. I love the way exercise makes me feel. But I can't stop eating. And people notice. Most of the people in my life would never say anything. My grandpa would. But most of the other people wouldn't.

I don't know if this post will even make any sense when I read it over again. I don't know if I'm coming to any conclusions about how to change my behavior. I guess I'm just trying to identify what the behavior is right now. Maybe I'm not ready to change it. I don't know if I ever will be.

I know the person I want to be. I want to be fit and healthy. I want to ride my bike. I want to look good in my bike shorts. I want to make good decisions naturally when I go out to eat. But I don't want to be the nitpicky fat girl. I don't want people to think my choices are strange or that I'm fighting a losing battle. And I absolutely DO NOT want to just stay home so that I don't have to deal with these types of situations. I do that a lot already. But I'm not going to do it all the time. It's just who I am.

For now I guess I'm just going to think about the healthy foods I bought at the grocery store today and try to figure out something good for dinner. And I'm going to get up in the morning and work out. And I'm going out to lunch with my sister. So I'm going to do my best to make a good choice there. Because Friday is my weigh-in day, and I fear I'm going in the wrong direction. I'm going to focus on Renee's challenge when I'm out in social situations. And hopefully I'm going to make this work.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Road Trip Wrap Up

Back from the road trip. And I confess, I definitely ate waaaaay too much and didn't work out at all. I did stick to my goal of eating a salad or veggies with almost every meal except for on two occasions. One was Taco Villa, where I had to have my bean burrito, and one was yesterday on the road. Our choices for lunch were McDonald's or Dairy Queen, and I hate giving McDonald's money, in fact up until earlier this summer I hadn't eaten there in almost two years. But that's another story. Anyway we went to Dairy Queen and I made the not so great choice of the chicken strip basket. It wasn't even good. I ended up mostly just eating Cheez-It's in the car yesterday. Which obviously wasn't good either.

And I definitely didn't make the "only two desserts goal." What is it about vacations and trips that just destroys all good-eating resolve I have? I can't seem to focus when I'm not sleeping in my own bed, when I don't have a routine to stick to. I brought my workout clothes. But did I even take a walk? No. Instead I ate the cookies my stepmom made and drank margaritas and was just gluttonous. And I'm sure I'll be paying for it on the scale. I was definitely paying this morning during my workout. Usually I do 45 minutes on the elliptical, and while I push myself to make it difficult, this morning it was all I could do to make 35 minutes. Ugh. And I know it's because all of the crap I put into my body this weekend.

The good news is, I now know exactly how my body responds to this type of treatment, and I know how it responds when I treat it well. I don't want to feel sluggish, tired and depressed because I've eaten so many sugary and fatty foods. I want that energetic, elated feeling I get when I've been eating clean and working out and I'm seeing the numbers go down.

I'm still focusing on Renee's challenge, and this week I'm going to hit it hardcore. No alcohol all week. I know I've said before I don't like depriving myself of specific foods, but I need to detox a little. And I'm stepping up the workouts a bit, maybe even doing two-a-days for a few days in here. I want to at least maintain my 185.5 number this week, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that without kicking some ass. My labor day goal is still 175.5 and if I want to make that I need to get in gear. Is this all your typical Monday morning blather? Maybe. Probably. But I don't care. I mean it.