Monday, August 31, 2009

Monday Musings

Oh Monday. It feels kind of gloomy today but I am determined to just get my butt moving and work on some projects and break out of any funky feelings I might be feeling. This weekend was good, hard but good. I stayed within my calorie limits on Friday after my minor freak out about Thursday, but then Saturday ended up with a little emotional eating (read: grilled cheese at dinner) and went high again. Yesterday was great though, and I'm taking some time to plan some menus for the week today so I am hopeful that when I weigh on Wednesday I'll at least be down a little.

You know what sucks though? How one day can screw up an entire week of careful planning, measuring, counting, working? One freaking day. That's all it takes to ruin a lot of really hard work. I don't think that's going to happen to me this week, but honestly it is no wonder that people have a hard time losing weight. Changing habits is HARD and all takes is a little slip up to kill what might have been a two pound weight loss for the week. Or three or four. I guess that's why it's an ongoing process and so many people (myself included of course) struggle for years and years with their weight.

One thing I did do this weekend was declare my intentions to two people in my life that have never had weight problems and often contribute to my losing focus. These are two of my really good girlfriends, both around size 2-4. These women are great, they would never purposefully try to sabotage me or anything like that, but they've also never had to think about their weight. They both work out and eat consciously, it's just not really an issue for them the way it is for me. The main issue is our tendency to get together and make one glass of wine turn into three or four, which then totally throws me off course. It's not a problem for them, they can totally handle it. But it is for me.

So yesterday at the mall, all crammed in to one dressing room together, I acknowledged that issue by telling them I am trying to lose 15 lbs by my Mexico trip in December. I was a little nervous about it because I've made tons of declarations like this in the past that haven't really panned out, but they were both really supportive and nice about it, which was great. After we finished shopping, we went to grab lunch, where they both had a glass of wine. One got a grilled cheese and ham with a side of fries, and one got a chicken sandwich with a side of fries. I got a salad and stuck to water. At first I was really worried about it, but I think I was just wrapped up in my own shit because neither one of them mentioned my lack of wine or how their food was "worse" than mine or any of that crap. We still sat and chatted and had a great time, and the food just wasn't an issue.

I was thinking about it, and I really want to try to make every meal like that. I'm sick of worrying about what I'm going to order and what other people will think and whether or not they'll secretly be mocking me inside of their heads. These people are my friends, so why would they do it? They wouldn't, and if they did, that means they're assholes anyway. If I'm being honest, nobody really cares what I choose to eat, and if they do take issue with it, they're probably just projecting they're own issues on to me.

I know I'll still encounter food and alcohol pushers, that is just a part of life. But I really need to learn to be confident with my choices and no that in the end, they are going to take me the direction I want to go.

Friday, August 28, 2009

All or Nothing

Okay. I am having a REALLY hard time with my all or nothing personality today and it is making me very nervous going into this weekend, which I want to go very well as my first weekend really back on a weight loss program. It should be fine, the thing is, yesterday wasn't perfect. And up until yesterday, this entire week (okay it was three days, but still) was perfect.

Or I had what I considered to be perfect weight loss days. Kick ass workouts. Lots of sleep. Healthy, nutritious food. Low calories. It's just that when I get on a roll like that, I don't want anything to screw it up. But yesterday I ended up going to the baseball game with my mom and having some sugared nuts for a snack. Probably not the best choice, but still no big deal right? It kind of went downhill from there though.

I cooked a healthy dinner, but I did end up having some of the wine that our dinner guests brought, and I ended up drinking more than I should have. Which led to me saying yes to the ice cream they brought for dessert. I only had a little bit, but still, I consumed more sugar and alcohol calories than I should have, and those are the two things that I have been trying to avoid because they are my downfall. Argh!

I know it's no emergency, and I still only consumed about 1800 calories yesterday, so I don't really think it's going to interfere with my weight loss this week, but I'm just nervous that I'm going to let that little voice, the one in my head telling me I screwed up, so I might as well just screw the whole weekend, win. And I DO NOT want that to happen. So I'm here writing, hoping that getting this all out on "paper" will help.

It's funny, I've been doing this so long, in one way or another, that it's just so easy for me to fall back into my bad habits. This time I'm trying to approach it a little differently and know that even if things aren't perfect and don't go EXACTLY as planned, it's going to be okay. My entire program doesn't have to go in the shitter because I had one off night. And the entire weekend, which could stretch into four days if I let it, doesn't have to be ruined.

I just have to keep telling myself to look at the big picture. Big picture big picture big picture. I can do this.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Okay this whole 350 minutes of exercise thing is a LOT! I mean I have been working out consistently for years now, but I guess over the past couple of months I have let things slide to 3-4 times a week. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at, but after four days in a row I am definitely sore and tired! I think I've hit about 270 minutes so far this week, which means I've got 80 to go. I'll definitely go to kickboxing for an hour on Saturday, so I can either do a little mini workout tomorrow or take the day off and add 20 minutes of strength after kickboxing on Sat. Guess I'll just see how I feel in the morning and go from there, but I'm thinking a rest day might be in order.

This morning I went to a class at the gym called Athletic Training - it's really just one of the trainers kind of training a big group of people all at once, but I really like it. And the instructor comes around and really helps everyone, which is nice. For instance, my pathetic mountain climbers needed a little help, but he was so good about being nice and correcting my hand placement, etc. It makes me want to go back to a personal trainer once or twice a week, but unfortunately that is just not in the financial cards for us right now. Oh well, maybe one of these days.

I'm actually feeling really great about things right now though - motivated and happy, which I think is a feeling I've been missing for the last couple of months. I am just going to do everything in my power to make sure it stays that way! Tonight I am entertaining - well we are just having an ex-colleague of mine and his fiancee over for dinner, so I am planning on making a classic summer meal of turkey burgers, grilled zukes from the garden, and a watermelon feta salad. I'll try to take pics and post the recipe tomorrow or later tonight!

I am off to shower and try to stretch out my sore calves a little more. Hasta!

P.S. Is it annoying to write "zukes?" It's just that I always spell zucchini wrong and zukes just seems more convenient. But I can see how someone might think that was annoying. ;)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Seventeen Weeks

Okay I'm not going to give up here. I just can't. But I AM starting a new project - details will follow soon, but I'm keeping it under wraps while I get it up and running. While I've been working on that though, it's made me realize that I do like writing here about my weight and about my fitness. It's GOOD, really good, for me to have this outlet. Because I want to talk about things!

For instance, I know this is way old news, but I really, really miss Jillian's radio show.

And, I'm really excited for the Biggest Loser to come back.

And, this is not really weight loss/fitness related, but what the hell was Heidi thinking with that performance during Miss Universe. Child please.

So let's see, what else? I weighed 176.6 this morning. Shocker. I have pretty much weighed between 175-180 for the entirety of 2009. Looking back at my records, I was at 171 for a week in January, probably when I was hitting South Beach Phase 1 pretty hard, but that obviously didn't last. Clearly my body is happy at this weight. I believe it's called a set point, right? It's a place where I'm just happy to settle.

Well I think I don't want to settle here any more. I'd really like to just push through and lose this last 15 lbs. You know it's funny, for so long, I think forever really, I've had this goal weight of 140. I think I got it from WW weight range charts or something way back when. But honestly, I don't think that's realistic for me right now. But 160 definitely is. It's so close. I mean it is so close. But so far away.

I've mentioned before that I have this weird barrier with getting below 170. Every time I'm successful losing weight, that is the point at which something clicks, and I just kind of quit trying. I get comfortable. And I bump up a couple five pounds, and then suddenly I'm back at this set point.

I think it's really time for me to get past that though. I'm going to Mexico in 17 weeks, on Dec. 17, and I really want to be at 160 for that trip. That works out to roughly 1 lb a week if I start today. That should be so do-able right? I'm not trying to rock a bikini. I'm not trying to be a supermodel. I'm just trying to set a goal and stick to it the best way I know how.

So right now, as of today, I am seriously off to the races. I'm going to be cutting way back on my wine and sugar intake. These "discretionary" calories are killing me, especially on weekends! And I think they are contributing to my continual psoriasis/arthritis flare-ups. I'm also going to take Self's advice and shoot for 350 min. of exercise a week. That is a LOT of exercise but I think I can handle it. 60 minutes x 5 days a week is 300. So I just need to up it to six days or try to do an extra ten minutes of cardio each day and I'll be there.

So here I go, I am back, and back with a vengeance! 160's here I come!

Monday, August 10, 2009


Okay. I think it's time I face it. I am not into this blog right now. I want to be, I think about it all the time, but I'm just not. I don't know what the problem is. I want to write, I want to have something to write, but I don't. Weight loss is hard. I'm basically maintaining, which is not what I want to be doing, but apparently something in me just isn't clicking to make this work right now.

I can't even write this post because I feel like I need to write a goodbye post or something. And I'm not ready to stop blogging, but I dunno, I guess my heart hasn't been in it for a while. I've been toying around with the idea of starting another blog, or just writing personally, or even just making this one private, but I'm just not sure what I want to do right now.

Anyway, I'm not shutting down right this minute, but I think maybe it's time for a change. I just don't know what that change should be right now.