Thursday, December 29, 2005

Salad for Breakfast

So. Christmas. My Birthday. Another Christmas. And another Christmas. And I ate pretty much nonstop. It's funny, I went to the trainer last Thursday, and he took my measurements and my bodyfat percentage. Let's just say it wasn't good. I knew it was going to be bad, but it still hurt to see those numbers. He estimated my body fat based on my scale weight and the measurements of my legs, arms, waist, neck, etc... He had a little book he used. I don't know how accurate the book is, but he estimates I'm between 38-40% body fat. Ouch. The good news is, we're working to get that off.

Anyway back to Christmas. So I had my session with the trainer on Thursday night, worked my ass off and got nice and sweaty, then got in the car to drive to Texas. We stopped for a sandwich for dinner on Thursday night, so all was good. On the road on Friday, I started the day with an Egg and Cheese biscuit from McDonald's. Blech. I never eat there. I'm morally against eating there. But guess what, eating there was my only option. Or at least that's what I told myself. Of course I could have eaten something else. And that pretty much started my week of gluttony.

There was pie, there was chocolate, chips and queso, a cheese ball, banana bread, biscuits, chocolate, chicken strips, bean burritos, and more chocolate. It wasn't pretty. And as you might imagine, the scale is showing it. But I'm back now I've had Christmas with both sides of the family and the boy's family, eaten my birthday dinner at my favorite restaurant, and I'm ready to get hardcore.

I saw the trainer tonight, and he has a plan to get me in fighting shape. Last week I brought him a detailed food journal so he could review my eating habits, and he has some suggestions. Apparently I'm doing okay on veggies, but not as good as I should be. Duh. And I snack too much in the afternoon. Duh. And I don't get enough protein. Duh. All things I knew he would say. But still its good to hear a third party say it.

So here's the plan going forward: I've got to do my weight training three times a week (including one session with the trainer). Cardio twice a week on top of that, after the weights or on a different day alone. As far as the food goes, I'll be sticking to the no sugar and no sugar substitute thing. In addition, I have to have a large salad for breakfast along with a protein shake every morning. Salad! A Salad!

The salad should have two different types of leafy greens, I'm thinking romaine and spinach. It also has to have four different types of vegetables. I'm having trouble thinking of four that I'm really going to like, especially for breakfast, but I'm going to do my best. I'm thinking cucumber, carrots, zucchini, and something else. But what else? Does anyone have any suggestions? Again, not a big fan of the crazy veggies, and I know its going to be especially difficult first thing in the morning. Maybe broccoli. Or snow peas?

If the trainer thinks it'll be good for me, then I'm going to stick to it. I'm going shopping this weekend for my veggies and protein shakes, and I'll keep you posted on how it goes. In the meantime, I'm going to try to kick some arse on my workouts and not overdo the alcohol on New Year's Eve. I'm also going to post here more often, so I'll see you all soon.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Quick Update

Hi everyone! I just got back in town last night from visiting my dad, and I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm here. Today's my birthday and with the end of this day comes the end of December indulgences. Besides New Year's Eve of course. I'll be back later this week with a full update on Christmas, my birthday, visiting the crazy state of Texas, the trainer, and everything else that's been going on. Until then, hope you all are having a fabulous December!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


I'm here. Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I have no excuse. Except that I'm so effing busy I can hardly stand it right now. There just isn't enough time. The good news is, I am dunzo with the Christmas shopping. Thank the lord. Spent waaaaay too much money but that's okay. I just like giving people stuff. What can I say? Plus I'm not very good and finding bargains. I suck at that actually. I can't wait to give the boy his gift! I won't tell you what it is here in case he reads it this (hi there boy) but I'll tell you after Christmas. It rawks!

So remember I'm writing everything down this week? OMG I am so embarrassed to give my little sheet to the trainer on Thursday. Let's just say the no-sugar thing is not really working out this week with the holidays and what not. There is so much chocolate in my office it is not even funny. And a girl can only resist so much chocolate. Also, I had holiday parties to attend on both Friday and Saturday, and I'm not going to lie, heavy drinking on Saturday may have led to a grilled cheese and a side of ranch. Damn you Denver Diner!

Workouts are going well; I'm sticking to my plan and tonight I did an hour of weights plus 25 minutes interval cardio. I'm happy about it. I feel good. I'm terrified because Thursday the trainers going to test my body fat, like he was supposed to do last week but he forgot. And I conveniently forgot to remind him. I know I should know so I can measure my progress, but I don't want to cry. Especially in front of the whole gym.

Still shooting for under 190 by the end of the year, then I'm telling you, we are going hardcore this. Who's with me?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Writing it all down

Hello! How's it going everyone? Things are good here, just sore as all hell. I had a meeting with the trainer yesterday. Holy crap. Side lunges with a little hop. Suck my ass. And about a zillion other things he made me do. Big news is though, he's making me write down everything single thing I eat. And at what time.

It's weird because I've been doing WW online for a while now, and while sometimes it works and sometimes I'm slack about it, I've pretty much been tracking what I eat on a daily basis for over a year now. If I'm being honest with myself though, I haven't been tracking very well since I stopped losing weight in about March. I haven't been tracking well and I haven't been losing. In fact I've been gaining. Not a ton, but still gaining.

So I'm going to make a concerted effort this week to track every morsel that goes into my mouth. Meaning every little bite of cookie. Every drink. Every fry. Every chip. Every little bit. And the trainer is going to see it. He's going to see that today I had soup and salad for dinner but then I had half a chocolate chip cookie and 4 bites of the boy's macaroni. He's going to see that I'm going to two parties this weekend and I'll probably drink more than I should. He's going to see that the lack of vegetables in my diet is appalling.

It's all good though; I'm excited about it, and I think this is really going to work. I'm sort of afraid to be optimistic at this point, being so close to the holidays and with so much potential for disaster, but I just feel pretty good. I know my eating isn't spot on, but I'm working out and I'm feeling good about it. And the trainer said, and I quote, "by this summer, you'll be a lean mean machine."

Oh I hope so!!!!!!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Back from Santa Fe

So the boy and I went to Santa Fe this weekend. And pretty much ate and drank nonstop. I'm okay with it because it was my decision to have a great weekend and enjoy myself and that's exactly what I did. So remember I had gained five pounds. Well last week I lost all but two of that, which still sucked because it was a two pound gain. Then of course I went and probably gained about 30 pounds, but I'm going to try to get some of that bloat and water weight off before I step on the scale again.

The good news is, I did work out in Santa Fe. I didn't have the little book where my trainer wrote down all of my moves, but I did my best. All in all, a fabulous weekend with the boy and a couple pound gain will be worth it. Let's hope that doesn't happen anyway though. Today is serving as sort of a detox day, and I made it to the gym tonight as well. I'm feeling good and ready to kick some pre-holiday ass. I don't have any delusions about how hard these next two weeks are going to be, but I'm still going to give it a shot. If I can come out of 2005 under 190, I'll be happy. About 10 weeks ago I said I wanted to come out of 2005 at 175. Clearly that is not happening. I'm sort of ambivalent about that I guess.

Anyway, I have my next session with the trainer on Wednesday, where he's going to weigh and measure me. Great. Not looking forward to finding out my body fat percentage. It is what it is though.

Monday, December 05, 2005


So the holiday party season is now in full swing. Starting tomorrow with the office holiday party. Our holiday party sounds extremely exciting, but frankly I'm sort of bummed that it's just employees and we aren't bringing significant others. I mean I see these people every day. I want to show off my cute boy to them and actually enjoy some time out of the office with these people. Either way I'm sure it will still be fun. And food filled. Check it out:

We're going to a local cooking school and learning how to cook a full Italian meal. I'm not too sure on the details, but I know it includes an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. And wine. Lots of wine. But having dessert means sugar will be present. Lots of sugar. And I'm sure it will be delicious. I haven't yet decided how I'm going to approach the holiday party tomorrow. On one hand, I could say this is a once a year event and throw caution to the wind. On the other hand, I could strictly stick to my no sugar on weekdays plan and avoid dessert altogether.

But if I'm going to make this a lifestyle, I'm going to need to incorporate these kinds of events into my daily life. And I seriously doubt I'm going to be able to or even want to resist a delicious Italian dessert that I created with my own two hands. I'm not a great cook, so I'm really excited and nervous to see what I can prepare. We'll see how I feel about that tomorrow night though.

To update you on the no sugar, no sugar substitute plan; I've been doing pretty well. Not perfect, but good. Since last Thursday night when I discussed the plan with the trainer, I've had no soda, diet or otherwise. I'm pretty proud of that. I have however, had some sugar free syrup with kashi waffles (I mean I just bought these waffles and what else am I going to eat with them), one bite of cheesecake, and one cookie. Now I know this looks like I completely effed it all up, but this was all on Saturday and Sunday, days he said I could be a little more lax with myself. Today went extremely well, I was dying for a piece of chocolate after dinner but I resisted and made some cinnamon tea instead.

I also completed my assigned workouts on Saturday and tonight, even with a massive amount of soreness. After I got my blood pumping with some cardio I felt okay, but it is truly amazing what lifting weights can do to weakly muscles like mine. So I feel good about how I've done when it comes to focusing on my new plan. Like I said, I'll probably have some sugar tomorrow night at the holiday party, but after that I should be all good.

All should be well and good then right, and I should be on track for another loss this week, right? NO.

I weighed myself this morning - up a whopping FIVE pounds from my weigh-in on Friday. FIVE pounds! I know there are reasons for this. Sore muscles holding water. Period due on Thursday. Big pasta dinner Sunday night. But still. FIVE pounds! Seriously.

Hopefully I'll be able to get rid of it, but its looking like we'll see that same yo yo gain this week and I'll be right back to 190 or above, where I've been for weeks and weeks on end. Damn you five pounds. Damn you.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Trainer Day 2

I feel so great right now! Besides the lingering hacking-up-a-lung cough, I'm fabulous. I went to see the trainer tonight for free session number two, and it was great. He taught me some more weight exercises and we came up with a plan for me to stick to so that I can achieve my goals. It is as follows:

I will be attending the gym at least three times a week, focusing on the resistance training workouts he has taught me. (I'll probably try to do more, but this is the workout I'll do at LEAST three times a week).

First, I'll warm up on the treadmill for five to seven minutes.

Next comes resistance training: 2 sets of 15-20 reps, increasing weight on the second set. I'll do one exercise for each muscle group. Some of the exercises he taught me are squats on the bosu ball, simultaneous tricep pushdown and bicep curl, and bosu pushups. Everything is focused on moving multiple body parts at once and improving core strength as well. This will change up in the future, but for now it's the plan and should take around 25-30 minutes.

After resistance training I'll do 20-25 minutes of cardio interval training, alternating one minute of hardcore, but not quite puke level running or whatever my fancy is that day, and two minutes of recovery time. I'll work up to doing longer intervals of the running and shorter intervals of recovery.

Now comes the diet part. We talked about what I eat on a daily basis and he surmised what I already know: I eat too much sugar and not enough fruits and vegetables. So the first thing I'm focusing on with diet is eliminating straight sugar and artificial sweeteners from my diet. This includes all soda, even diet. It also includes the mini Hershey bar I eat almost every day after lunch. It also includes ice cream. It's going to be hard, but he said some things that really made me think. This may be a load of crap, but he said even one tablespoon of sugar raises your insulin levels so much that it can suppress your immune system for four hours. When that sugar adds up, your body is pretty much screwed, and losing weight becomes extremely difficult.

I know this is going to be hard, but he wants me to tackle this beast in manageable sections. Right now I'm going to focus on having sugar free and sugar-substitute free days three to four days a week. Right now, this should be do-able. I'm going to give it a shot. Once I can maintain this, we'll try to make more changes.

I'm excited about the things I've learned and the plans I've made. Hopefully these changes will really help me become the strong, athletic person I want to be. They'll help me prepare for the sprint triathlon I want to do next summer. And they'll help me lose some weight.


Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Getting Well and TBL

Feeling much better, but still definitely not 100%. The coughing and lack of air to breathe continues, but like I said, I'm getting better. I went back to work today and it was hard. In total I had six days off, what with the Thanksgiving holiday and the weekend and then the staying home sick. I'm run down and tired, and my body just needs love.

So that's what I'm trying to give it. I've been eating well (okay well better than I had been, of course minus my sister's birthday dinner last night, more on that later). I'm going back to the gym tomorrow after work; I'm actually rescheduling the session with the trainer. I'm excited to go back; it's amazing how much I miss working out. Hopefully he'll go easy on me since he knows I've been sick. I'm super excited to see the new moves he's going to show me.

So The Biggest Loser. I had to TiVo it since we went to P.F. Chang's for dinner last night for my little sister's birthday. She's 14. Wow. I got the kung pao chicken with brown rice and only ate about half of it, so I thought I did okay. Obviously I know Chinese food isn't great, but at least it's white meat chicken without too much sauce on it. Then of course I went back to my parents house and had a giant piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Nice work.

Okay, so I'm allowed to indulge once in a while, but the problem is, it hasn't just been once in a while. It's more like all the time. And after watching TBL, I was floored. So happy and excited for those people; yet so sad and ashamed that I can't commit to doing the same thing. I found myself with a perma-grin, just smiling from ear to ear watching Suzy jump up and down. She was so happy and content, and it just showed. She looked amazing. They all did. I was kind of bummed that Matt won because to be honest, I've been slightly annoyed with him throughout the show, but he really did deserve it. To lose 185 pounds is an amazing feat. I just want to lose 50.

One thing that did come out of last night's cake fiasco was the desire and motivation to do more. To eat better and to work out and to just take better care of myself. So tonight I'm making a WW recipe I found for six points, I'm skipping dessert, and I'm going to bed early. Tomorrow I'm eating a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then going to go meet with the trainer. I'm pumped.

Monday, November 28, 2005


Quick update to let you all know that I'm not dead, but practically. I have bronchitis. Needless to say this past Thanksgiving weekend wasn't as much fun as it could have been. I didn't get to go see my trainer, I haven't been working out at all in fact, my diet has been crap, and I feel like complete shit. Can't breathe. But I went to the doctor and I'm confident I'll be getting better soon.

I'm taking another day off of work tomorrow and as soon as I feel better I'm going to get back on the wagon full force.

Monday, November 21, 2005


Went to the gym tonight and did my 5K on the treadmill. Saw the trainer there but I'm not sure if he saw me. I kind of wanted him to see me so he would know that I was committed to working out. Like he cares. My 5K took me about 41 minutes. Not great, especially because I don't think I'm making much progress on my time, but I think I'm afraid to push it much further.

Today was tough because I hadn't been on the treadmill in over a week due to the soreness from the initial encounter with the trainer. It was probably also tough because I've been eating like shit. I've barely even been attempting to eat right. I had some broccoli in my lo mein last night. How's that for veggies? And I know it will probably get worse before it gets better. My head isn't in the game right now.

I am into working out still though. Well at least I think I am. My actions this past week might say otherwise. But again, that was mostly because of the soreness. I have another encounter with the trainer tomorrow. I'm afraid he'll ask me how much I worked out this week, and I'll have to tell him I only did two cardio sessions and I didn't practice any of the moves he taught me because I was too sore to even think about a squat, let alone actually do one. I think he'll understand this time. I hope so.

But part of the reason I'm excited about the trainer is the fact that he WILL ask me about my program and I WILL have to tell him what I have and have not done. And next week, I'm telling you, I will be able to tell him I worked out at least four times. Even with Thanksgiving coming up. Especially with Thanksgiving coming up. Thanksgiving....

Saturday, November 19, 2005


Sore beyond belief. On Thursday I could barely even sit down on the toilet. I had to gingerly place myself there. I know its a good thing to be sore, but the extent to which my soreness has gone on makes me realize that my muscles were and are seriously weak. Over the past couple of months, okay maybe even more like the past 8 months, I haven't been lifting consistently at all. I MIGHT have done a circuit at the gym. Or MAYBE I would do a Firm tape.

And now I'm paying for that. It's Saturday and I'm still sore, but the worst of it has definitely gone away. I just hope I'm ready for my next session with the trainer on Tuesday. I think I will be. I'll be there and I'll be pumped.

So due to soreness I haven't really done much cardio except one 40 minute session on the elliptical, which I thought might help get my blood flowing, etc. It didn't really help that much. I'm going to attempt some sort of other cardio today, maybe swimming or a bike ride. It's freezing cold outside today though so I'll have to venture over to the gym.

So I've been thinking a lot about how it's often said that overweight women, or maybe just women in general, aren't selfish enough and don't take enough time for themselves. We're always so worried about someone or something else that we don't stop to think about the damage we're doing to our bodies. I don't think I ususally have that problem. I'm fairly in tune with my needs (sleeping, working out, eating, etc..) and I usually don't put those needs on the back burner for other people. But I often put those needs on the back burner in favor of the other side of me, the side that wants to pretend she's a skinny party girl that can just eat and drink whatever she wants and stay up late and not have to worry about it or face the consequences of those actions.

I know I'm not that person. But sometimes I just wish so badly that I was. And I make bad decisions based on those stupid thoughts inside of my head. Pretty much every weekend. And I know this will continue into the holidays. I'm nervous about the holidays. For a variety of reasons. Because my family will be crazy. Because I will get stressed about money. Because if history repeats itself, which it may, I will gain weight. More weight. I don't want that to happen. On the surface I don't want that to happen. Underneath though, I'm not sure.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Okay so I met with the trainer today. The little trainer might I add. I mean little bitty. I shall call him little bitty Bill. Okay I won't call him that because I'm sure he could make up some really mean names for me that I would not want to hear and I'm sure he wouldn't really appreciate being called little bitty. Seriously though, his body fat percentage is probably about 4. Or maybe less. And he's 5'3" max. But that's okay because he's awesome!

I had such a good time. It was just so nice to have someone tell me what to do. And boy am I going to be sore. Squats on the Bosu ball. OMG those are seriously hard. I think I'm going to like having a trainer. He said if we do long term he could help me with nutrition too. Yes I'm seriously thinking about paying an assload of money to some random stranger to tell me how to work out. I think it will be good for me.

I'm going to another free session next Tuesday and then I'll make my final decision. But I can tell you right now that I want to do this. I hate lifting weights. Maybe Bill will help change all of that.

P.S. The boy read the entire blog. He noticed that I yo yo. In reality I've only gone up between 4-5 pounds over the last couple of months. But I know my resolve does yo yo. It's something I need to work on.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The Boy Knows About the Blog

And I was going to go through all my posts and change every single time where I had written about how much I weigh. I started to do it. I even changed my stats on the sidebar so now it really just show how much less I have to lose. But you know what?

We live together. He's seen me naked. Many times. I'm pretty sure he has a good idea of how much I weigh. And he still loves me. So if he decides to pop by, which I'm going to tell him he can, he'll know for sure exactly how much I weigh. And he will still love me. So hi baby if you're reading this right now. I hope you aren't mortified that I write about you sometimes. :)

I just dropped my dad and my stepmom off at the airport and I'm home chillin with the dogger (above). I feel kind of icky. I did okay with food this weekend, but nowhere near perfection. I ate soup and salad on Friday night, which was great. Had fries for lunch with a turkey sandwich yesterday, but I made a pretty good choice for dinner. I still overate though (damn you dessert) and felt like crap last night. Lunch today was a veggie burger and fries. I have a serious issue with fries. Maybe I'll ban fries. Not sure if I can do that. It's a thought though. Something to consider.

All in all not great, but not as bad as it could of been, which is key. This new salad place called Mad Greens just opened up down the street from us, so I'm going to pop down there and have a nice fresh salad for dinner after I watch the stupid Broncos waste away their lead like they seem to do every week. Oh nevermind they just scored! Go Broncos! I'm not disloyal I swear! Ooh 2 pointer! We rock! Enough exclamation points!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Friday, November 11, 2005

Feeling Better

Hey everyone. Or at least my one reader. :)

I'm feeling much better today. Tuesday and Wednesday were NOT good days. I subsisted on chicken soup and baked cheetos. I know that probably sounds bad but it was one of the only things I could keep down. Yesterday I was feeling much better but I was absolutely ravenous, and I ate like it. I probably consumed 2500 calories. I guess I just needed that nutrition that I had been missing for the past two days.

So I weighed in this morning at 188 (-3), which I'm fairly happy with given the fact that I was really at 191 last week and didn't report it, and also considerting that I ate a lot of food late at night. I guess I thought I might lose some extra due to the fact that I basically didn't eat for two days, but I made up for it yesterday.

Enough about that I guess. So my dad is coming to town this weekend with my stepmom, which will be nice but almost always turns into a stressful situation and ends with a ton of eating. My dad is a big guy, and mimicking his eating habits is part of the reason why I have such bad habits myself. He's developed Type II diabetes in the past year and even though he's married to a nurse, he barely does anything to control it.

Let me back up a little. My parents were divorced when I was 6, and my mom moved my sister and I to Colorado when I was 9. So I haven't really lived with my dad in a long time. In fact I don't really have any memories of actually living with him. But when he did come to visit, our visits always centered around food. We just didn't really have anything else to do. It's not that I don't love my dad, because I do very much, but his visits have always been a time of stress for my sister and I. Food just mitigated that stress a little.

He was very bitter that my mom got remarried and moved to Colorado. My sister and I both think it was for the best; we get along great with my stepdad and we had an awesome childhood growing up in the Denver suburbs. It was probably very different than what our life would have looked like growing up in a small town in West Texas, where my dad still lives today. I'm a well-adjusted child of divorce and I know in my heart it was what my mom needed to do to be happy. But my dad, he just doesn't see things that way.

Anyway, when he comes to visit its been hard to find activities to do with him. It's better now that he has my stepmom, but he's still very controlling and wants to spend every single moment with us. Now that we are grown women and have lives of our own, that is becoming more difficult. It usually goes something like this: He gets in on Friday night, we go out to dinner and then maybe go for ice cream. Saturday morning he gets up and putters around while we sleep, then we go eat lunch. We may go shopping or see a movie in the afternoon, but we definitely have some sort of snack. Then we go out for a big dinner, with dessert. Sunday same thing. It's all focused around food! It's like that's the only thing there is to do.

When we were still really little, we used to have to go visit him for six weeks every summer. My mom said we'd come back and we'd have each gained like 10 pounds. Our little faces would be all puffy. I guess it's a comfort thing; it's all we know how to do when we're with him.

Honestly I doubt this will ever change. We'll probably do the same thing this weekend. But I'm going to do my best to make good choices and set a good example for my dad. He needs to know that I won't love him any more or any less based on whether or not I get an ice cream cone. I'm not a little girl anymore. I know how to make good choices. Sometimes its just hard not to fall back into old habits.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


Warning: This post most definitely has TMI.

Jeni Sicky. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was all pumped about my yummy strawberry dessert and feeling a little better about my eating. Then today happened.

I woke up feeling okay, not super peppy, but I'm never super peppy at 6:30 in the morning. I noticed a few pains in my stomach, but I thought it was gas or something so I just took some gas pills and went to work. Well the pain only got worse at work, it was coming in waves and was almost crippling me. I didn't have to go to the bathroom, didn't think I needed to throw up, but I could barely sit up straight when I'd get these waves of pain, like something was seriously eating away at my stomach.

I went home around noon and have been laying on the couch, sleeping on and off for the rest of the day. I don't know what's going on; I'm just in serious pain. I tried to eat a banana to see if having something in my stomach would help, but it didn't. I've finally had some "movement" if you know what I mean, but the pain is just not going away. Yick. I just feel tired and achey and crappy and I guess its a bug or something. Help me! I'm a whiney baby I know. But the boy isn't here and I'm all alone and just want it to stop. Blech.

So clearly I'm not working out today. I've barely even had 100 calories. I think I'm going to try to make some chicken soup, but I'm scared of what might happen. Hopefully this is a 24-hour thing and it'll be gone tomorrow.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Better Than Ice Cream

Yumacious. I just had the best dessert for two points. A pudding cup, cool whip, and strawberries. Delicious.

I know I would be doing so much better if I would just plan out my meals and give it a little effort. That's all it takes its a little effort. I mean making that dessert took about two minutes, and it was so much better than eating a big ole Cold Stone. Okay not really better, but at least I feel better about myself eating it.

I still haven't signed up for the personal training session yet. I was planning on doing it tonight at the gym tonight. But then when I was leaving, all hot and sweaty and red-faced, I realized I didn't really want to go up to the cute guy at the counter and tell him I wanted to sign up with the trainer who specializes in weight loss. I was just too self-conscious. So I think I'll call tomorrow and do it over the phone. I'm such a wuss. Oh well.

Sunday, November 06, 2005


Oh. My. Gawd. I have been sitting on the couch all afternoon watching My Fair Brady on VH1. It is a trainwreck. I can't stop watching. I had pizza for dinner. Too much tequila last night. I'm bloated and I probably weight about 2 tons right now. Blech. I know I probably present a really pretty picture in your head.

I have to do some ironing now, which will be the most exercise I've gotten all day. On a better note, I did work out both yesterday and Friday, which is something I don't usually do on the weekends. I just feel so much better about myself when I work out. But clearly its not happening today.

So with my new fancy gym membership I get one free session with a personal trainer. I was thinking I probably want to do this with a woman trainer because for some reason I think about a personal trainer the same way I think about the gynecologist. It's so personal. I just want a woman. But I was looking on the gym's website, and it looks like there's a male trainer who specializes in weight loss. So I'm thinking maybe I should request him. I'm going to see if he's available this week and try out a session. Mostly I just want someone to tell me what to do. Literally. To give me meal plans and to kick my ass if I deviate. I think I might need that in my life right now. Because right now no one knows I'm eating pizza for dinner but myself, and that's not helping anything. And of course you guys...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


So you may or may not have read back in my archives to the post where I declared my intention to do a sprint distance triathlon next summer. I haven't posted about it much since then, but I still have that intention.

I made a ton of progress on the bike this year, but as its gotten colder I've turned my focus more toward running and swimming. I am by no means officially training, just sticking to those three sports as far as my workouts go. Weight lifting is sporadic at best, although I do know I need to be building more muscle if I ever want to reshape my body. I hate weights though. Blech.

Anyway, so for the past two weeks I've been swimming about twice a week. Tonight I swam about 1300 meters, which sounds so measly but at the time seemed incredibly hard. I don't really know what a good swim workout is though, and I'm not sure how long I'll even have to swim if I do go for the sprint distance triathlon. I think it's .75K, so that's a 7500, which is exactly half of what I did today, so it's good to know that I can do that But I'm not sure about that. I guess I have access to the net right now and I should just look it up, but I'm not going to right now. Okay I'm rambling.

My run is what's really going to need work in the upcoming months if I plan on doing this. I'm doing my 5K in about 40 minutes right now, which I know is extremely slow. And I'm sure I'll be much slower after I've been swimming and riding for an hour or more prior to the run. I pretty much still hate running. I get that runner's high thing going on, but I still don't like it. I have to force myself to do it. And that's just on the treadmill. Forget actually going outside. I'm not too that point yet. Plus, the weather. And the darkness. And I can't even think about getting up before work. It's just not happening. Jeni needs sleepy time.

Eventually I'll start a training plan, probably in January, but for right now I'm thinking maybe I should concentrate on shedding some of this excess weight so I can improve my speed in all three sports. Of course, I'm having a hard time focusing on the whole eating right/weight loss thing right now so that might not actually happen. I think I need to go read some triathlete blogs to see what people do in the off season. Mostly I'm just pondering different courses of action right now and I'm not really sure what to do. I know I want to lose some weight. I know I know how to lose weight. For some reason I'm just not putting those things in motion right now. Maybe it's the fun size box of Milk Duds sitting next to me right now? Gah.

So it goes on. But if the candy is making into my routine, then so are the workouts. At least I've got that.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Darkness Falling

It's getting dark already. I can't believe it. It's not even 5 yet. I guess that's how it happens with the time change. It's okay though, I'm feeling good about the things I've accomplished today. I cleaned up the house, did some laundry, and had lunch with the boy.

I also went shopping and spent way too much money on new workout clothes, but it motivated me and I did 50 minutes on the treadmill and burned an obscene amount of calories. Which is good because I have not been doing well with the Halloween candy. I guess it should be expected but still it's annoying. My weakness for sugar is impossible to reign in . Eh.

I didn't lose again this week. Holding steady at 189 and it just isn't bothering me as much as it should be. I've heard from two people this week that I'm looking slim, so maybe the working out is changing my body shape, but just not the number on the scale. Or maybe those people are crazy. Either way it's nice to hear.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Biggest Loser

Today went well, although I had to forgo the gym due to soreness from swimming and the need to go buy the dogger a Halloween costume. He's being SuperDog and he is seriously cute. I'll try to post a picture next week if I ever get access to a digital camera and if I can figure out how.

So I'm watching The Biggest Loser right now. I can't decide what I think about it. I'm strangely fascinated by the show. But I also think its just depressing. For a number of reasons. But mostly because of the spectacle it makes. I still love it though.

Suzy, on the show, weighed in at 182 today. That's seven pounds less than I weigh right now. I don't know how tall she is. I doubt she's 5'6". It's weird to see someone on TV who's around the same size as I am though. I think I'm so used to seeing these teeny thin women it just surprises me to see someone who looks similar to me. I think she's pretty. But she's definitely still overweight. Maybe that's how I look? I don't know. I guess I don't really have a point here. Just that it's weird.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Swimming Along

Literally. I went swimming tonight. Probably the first time in about 6 months I've been swimming. And I can tell you right now my arms are going to be feeling it tomorrow. And my legs. In fact my whole body will be feeling it. I think even my brain will be feeling it.

So my swimming experience:

When I arrived it was fairly crowded, so I had to share a lane with a buff man in a tiny little swimsuit. I smirked to myself and then realized he was probably gaping at the whale who just took over his lane, so then of course I felt bad about the smirk. But those little swimsuits. They're just so. Little. And okay I know I'm not a whale and I should really be practicing positive self talk, but the whale metaphor is just so appropriate with the pool and what not. Anywho, so I get in the pool and realize I have no idea what I should do. There's a workout posted on the whiteboard in the pool area, so I decide to give that a shot.

I start swimming. I'm doing okay, not moving too quickly but definitely getting my heart rate up. Things are going quite well. But swimming is hard people, especially when you haven't done it in a long time. After about 40 minutes I had only made it through half of the workout and by the way my arms and legs were flailing about I decided it was probably time to get out. So I didn't make it through the whole workout (and who knows who that workout was for anyway, it could have been the Olympic swim team for all I know), but at least I tried.

And it feels so good to change up the workout a little, use different muscles and really feel my body working. I think I'll try to swim more often.

So now I'm completely exhausted from my swim, and this coupled with the fact that I've drastically lowered my calories in order to actually lose some weight for once and the fact that I haven't been sleeping well means I'll be going to bed at around 9:00 p.m. tonight. I'm such a party animal.

I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of nights because the boy is out of town and apparently the dogger thinks he needs to be extra vigilant about noises that go bump in the night. The little guy only weighs about 8 lbs and he sleeps in bed with me. So imagine some typical noises happening at 2 in the morning, he races off of the bed and practically breaks his little legs because he's moving so fast in order to go bark his head off at the phantom at the door. This of course freaks me out, because I think well what if there actually is someone at the door?

I can't open the door to check if someone is at the door, because if there is someone at the door he might come in and kill me. I have no peephole to see if someone is at the door, so instead I lay in bed awake, fretting for hours as to whether someone is actually at the door or not. Last night I just sucked it up, got a kitchen knife and the phone, and peeked my head out the door. Of course all I saw was an empty hallway.

So tonight I'm crossing my fingers that there will be no barking at the door. Hopefully I will get some sleep and be refreshed for my Tuesday. I've planned the following meals:

High fiber cereal with fat free milk (4)

Turkey sandwich on wheat (5)
banana (2)
Pudding Cup (1)

Snack (if needed)
Granola bar (2)

South Beach Diet Frozen Pizza (6)
Ranch Dressing (2)

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Damn Blogger

Ugh! I just finished writing this whole post about goals and planning and how I'm setting goals and trying to plan but nothing is working. And it was deep. I'm telling you it was seriously deep and I just don't know if I can rewrite the whole thing.

Basically it comes down to the fact that I keep talking about all of the things I'm going to do but I'm not doing them. Instead I'm gaining weight. I'm eating mini candy bars. I'm drinking too much wine. And this is all killing me.

I'm not sure if it's something going on with my subconscious, or if it's that I just lack motivation and willpower.

Actually that's a lie. I know it's something more than just the fact that I like chocolate. For some reason I'm terrified to keep going with this whole weight loss thing. I think I'm just scared that once I'm skinny, I won't be happy, and then what am I going to blame everything on? I won't be able to blame it on the fat anymore, and that terrifies me. I need to get things together. I need to quit setting goals and then not sticking to them.

I need to eat right. I need to consider what I want for myself over the long term. Things are hard right now. And I'm not sure how to fix that.


Things aren't going so well with my eating right now. I gained 2 lbs this week, putting me all the way at 189. I keep making plans and setting goals but I'm not even coming close to sticking to them. I'm getting to the point where I think there really is something subconscious going on with me.

I hear this all the time from other weight loss bloggers, that there's some reason or other why they can't lose weight. And those things are all completely valid. I just never thought I had one. My mom, dad, and sister are all overweight. I just thought I grew up with bad eating habits and I never could get rid of them.

I'm just not sure if that's the case anymore though. I keep setting these goals of doing things I know I can do because I've done them before, but then not an hour later I'm stuffing my face with mini candy bars. And I'm thinking "I shouldn't be doing this" but I'm doing it anyway. It's like some higher power just takes over and I can't compete.

Maybe it's something in my subconscious that wants me to stay this way. Maybe I'm afraid people won't like me in my skinny body. Or that I'll be more appealing to other men and I'm scared of what could happen if people think I'm pretty. Or that I'll still be unhappy but I won't have anything to blame it on. I don't really know.

I know I have a good life. I'm completely in love with the boy. Every day he makes me smile. I have the best dogger in the world and he's practically like my child. I'm close to my family; I see my sisters all the time and I know what's going on in their lives. I have close friends that I know care about me.

But sometimes that's just not enough. And I don't know if anything ever will be. Maybe I'm just destined to always want more. I need to get it together in a number of ways right now. And first that means getting my eating in check.

I'm not going to set goals here right now, because I've done that before and it hasn't happened. Instead I'm just going to do the best I can. And go to the grocery store.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

They Came!

Okay I have to make this quick because I have to go to work, but I just wanted to let you all know that everyone showed and a good time was had by all. I don't know why I get so nervous about these things, because they usually work out fine, but I guess that's just who I am.

Off to work today where I'm going to make a major effort to avoid sugar all day. Then I'm heading to the gym, where I think I'll take a class or some sort. I need to check and see what they're offering today, but a class always puts me straight. Have a great day everyone!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Freak Out

Mini freak out going on here. I'm having six girls over for dinner and none of them are here yet. And I cooked! I hate cooking. Why aren't they here? OMG if no one shows I'm going to be really sad. I'll probably sit here and eat all of this food. No I won't . I'll update later and let you know if anyone showed.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Sometimes it's about vanity

So I made a plan. And you might be wondering if I stuck to it. I didn't.

Unfortunately I just plain failed to meet my goals last week. I only went to the gym three times. I didn't get my veggies in most days. And I ate too much sugar.

But I am doing better. I'm under flex points for the week and I made it through the weekend alive. I rode my bike 25 miles on Saturday. I took a yoga class tonight. So I feel like I'm on my way back to hitting those goals. The veggie thing is hard. So is the sugar thing. But that's why they are goals. If they were easy I wouldn't even be talking about them.

So I'm going to keep trying to push these things.

On another note, I'm still not engaged. Believe me Internet, you'll be at least the 20th to know if I am. Work is really busy and filled with lots of tiny women who eat tons of food and don't worry about their weight at all. It's depressing. I guess I get some satisfaction out of the fact that I'm more athletic than most of the women there, but then I get sad again when it's Friday jeans day and they all show up in the cutest little outfits. I'm so petty, I know. But sometimes it's about health. And sometimes it's about vanity. So I'm still pushing. I will lose this weight at some point.

I'm so behind on all of my favorite blogs, so I now plan to use the evening to catch up. I miss you guys!

Monday, October 10, 2005

On Waiting and Not Waiting

I'm finally home after being in Albany all weekend. A good friend got married. The weather was awful, but the wedding was beautiful. The bride looked gorgeous. And it made me think about my wedding. A lot. I'm not yet engaged. But the boy and I have talked about it a lot. And I think it will be happening sooner rather than later. I love him very much and can't imagine spending a day without him.

So I'm thinking that within a year or maybe two at the most, I'll be participating in the whole white dress ritual. It's a milestone in anyone's life, and when I look back on it, I don't want to wish I had lost more weight. I don't want to see those pictures and cringe because I'm fat. These past few months, I haven't really been doing much as far as losing weight goes. I've been working out a lot, yes. But I've also been eating pretty much whatever I want.

I think in the back of my mind I've been waiting to get engaged. I guess I'm thinking once I'm engaged, I'll put my weight loss into high gear. Because I'll have something to shoot for. But you know what? I seriously doubt that will make that much difference. I need to start now. I can't wait until I get engaged. Because I really don't know when that's going to happen. And in the meantime I could gain another 20 lbs. And I just don't want to do that. I want this weight off. Not later. Now.

I have goals. I want to be at 175 by Christmas. I think I can do this.

Over the next 11 weeks, weeks that include Halloween and Thanksgiving, I will be accomplishing the following things:

Work out 4-6 times a week. These workouts will be tough. No wimpy workouts. Wimpy workouts don't produce results.

Eat at least 3 servings of veggies a day. I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it is. My body needs these nutrients.

Eat significantly less sugar. I will not deprive myself, but I will not give in to my dessert habit every day. I do not need a popsicle after dinner every night. I can have a low calorie dessert three nights a week. That is all.

I think if I do these three things and focus on sticking to my points, I should be able to make my goal of 175 by Christmas, and hopefully surpass it. Wish me luck!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I'm back!

I've been slacking on posting. So sorry. Mostly because I've been so busy with work, life, etc.., but partly because I'm sucking it up at this whole weight loss thing. Or if I'm being really honest, this whole weight gain thing. I'm back up to 187.5. Not horrible, but it sucks considering I've been stagnant for about the past 3 months. I've done a lot of exercising, but a lot of eating too. I basically have nothing to show for this blog. It shouldn't really even be considered a weight loss blog at all. It's more of a "Jeni blathering" blog.

That's okay though. I'm not killing myself over this. I'm still progressing and working toward achieving my fitness goals. This weekend we went to the boy's parents house in Dillon (up in the mountains for you non-Coloradans.) I wish I could post pictures, but alas, no digital camera. It was absolutely beautiful though. Leaves were changing, the sun was out, the air was crisp. It was a perfect fall weekend.

We rode 45 miles yesterday. It was awesome. We did a loop around Lake Dillon, then went and did the ride to Breckenridge. We stopped there and had a yummy tuna sandwich for lunch, then came home the same way we started. It was hard. There were hills. Lots of hills. We were in the mountains. And I won't lie. I almost started crying on one big hill.

But I made it without having to be carried home. And I'm so proud of that. I would have never imagined myself riding my bike from Dillon to Breckenridge. But now it's something I can't wait to to do again. In fact I'm looking to do Vail Pass. One thing is for sure though, the altitude really got to me. After the first mile I was seriously winded. Granted that was up a fairly steep incline, but still. It was the first mile.

Even having lived in Denver for years, I was still winded. I guess there's a reason why elite athletes train at high altitudes. 5,280 feet is one thing. But 10,000 is another altogether.

In other news, I'm taking the plunge and joining a fancy gym this week. I can barely afford it, but I'm thinking if I put my money there maybe it won't go to high calorie dinners, etc... I did a trial run of the gym last week, and I'm in love. It's got a pool. And a sauna. And cardio chisel classes. And a pilates studio. It's beautiful. And I'm going to get my money's worth damn it. I've decided to do the triathlon next summer. So treadmill and pool, here I come.

Now if I could only hire a personal chef. Then all would be right with the world. :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

To Triathlon?

Devil Spammers. I'm turning on word verification for comments, sorry y'all. Not that I get that many comments, but I do love them anyway!

Things are okay here, I seriously doubt I'm losing anything this week. In fact I'm not really losing weight right now. I'm okay with it sometimes, and sometimes I'm just flat out annoyed. I'm exercising a ton still, but as fall and winter approach, I'm getting nervous. What happens when it gets cold outside and I can't ride my bike as much? I'm so dedicated to my bike. I just love that feeling I have after I get off my bike and I've burned a zillion calories and I've smashed my fastest time ever. I'm going to get myself some cutesy tights and arm warmers, but there's only so much you can do when there's snow on the ground. I'm sort of dreading it. I love the snow, but I hate those winter blues. Short, dreary days just aren't good for my psyche.

On the other side of things though, I know winter will be a great chance for me to excel in some other sports. If I really do want to do a sprint distance triathlon next summer, I HAVE to figure out how to run. Right now I just kind of waddle along for about a minute at a time. I've thought about doing the couch to 5k program a lot, but running just does not appeal to me the way that cycling does. But strangely, completing a triathlon does appeal to me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not thrilled about hundreds of people who are all faster and stronger and thinner than I am kicking my butt in a race. But after doing the Buffalo Bicycle Classic last week, I know how awesome it feels to finish an organized athletic event.

So I could just stick to cycling, and I'm sure that would be fine. I can concentrate on strength training and elliptical workouts and things of that nature when its too cold to be outside. Or I could try to run. And join a gym with a pool. And I could work toward completing a triathlon. I guess I'm just hesitant to say I'm going to do it, because what if I don't? What if I slack on training and I'm not ready come race time? What if I'm still too fat to run? What if I'm still embarrassed to be seen in public in shorts. These are serious concerns. Things I need to think about.

Friday, September 16, 2005


Up and down up and down. Back up two pounds this week to 187. I'm bouncing. No doubt this week's gain is due to my total lack of activity. After the long ride this weekend I guess I just didn't feel the need to workout. Or I didn't have time. HONESTLY!

I did get up this morning and do a Firm workout, but by then it was too late. I'm 30 points in the hole flexwise. It wouldn't be that bad if I was overeating healthy food. But I ate pizza twice this week. And I'm contemplating some leftovers right now, even though I'm due to leave for dinner in an hour. I won't eat them. But I want to.

I'm not caring about it all that much right now. I'm tired. Work is really busy. I miss hanging out with my dogger. I miss my boy. I'm going to try to get a good night's sleep tonight and see if that helps. I need to get back on the bike. That'll help too. Have a good Friday all.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

The Ride

The Buffalo Bicycle Classic was today. It was tough, but it was awesome! I feel so great! We did the 35 mile ride, and after doing that, I am in just in complete awe of those people that do century rides. Thirty five miles was seriously hard, so I can't imagine what doing a century is like. Maybe next year.

We woke up around 6 and after a breakfast of whole wheat English muffins with peanut butter and honey, we were on the road before 7. We were in the third wave of riders, so we had plenty of time to warm up and mill around after we got up to Boulder. It was so nice to see campus again; I forget how beautiful it is. I loved going to school there.

As this was my first organized ride, I was slightly nervous and didn't sleep very well last night, so I was pretty tired this morning. Once we got on the road though; I was pumped. We started with a gradual uphill that lasted about 5 miles, and by the time we got to the top I was terrified that I wouldn't make it the whole way. My heart rate was up there and I was struggling. Luckily we had a downhill and a nice rest stop coming up, so that helped a lot.

The aid stations were great on the ride, there was tons of fruit and energy drinks and lots of water and sports drink to choose from. The middle part of the ride was awesome; I felt good and I was cruising along. There were lots of uphill climbs, but lots of coasting on the way down too. On one downhill I even hit 38 mph, which for me on a bike is absolutely insane. I was repeating "Please don't die, please don't die" over and over again. Oh yeah, like that's gonna help when I crash my bike at that speed. Luckily (or maybe not) it didn't last very long and we were going back uphill soon enough.

The last 10 miles of the ride were killer. Mostly uphill and in 90 degree heat. By the last mile, I was cranky and snapping at the boy, but luckily he remained calm and my mood didn't ruin it for us. We got to the finish in about 2 hours and 47 minutes, for an average speed of 13.8 mph. Not as fast as I usually ride, but we had a lot of hills to deal with so that's my excuse. I'm just proud that I did it! I love feeling the strength in my legs and knowing how athletic my body is. Finding cycling has been such a blessing for me; it's a sport that I absolutely love and I continually want to do better. I have miles to go, literally!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

No Need For Sugar Around Here!

I kicked butt on the no sugar thing today! Of course right now, sitting on the couch watching TV just vegging, is prime sugar time, but I will refrain. It was definitely hard, but not impossible. I'm sure I can do it again. Now if I could only drop five pounds immediately. Wouldn't it be nice?

It is amazing just how much I crave sugar after a meal though. Especially this afternoon after my turkey sandwich and baby carrots; all I wanted was a damn cookie or something. I mean I REALLY wanted a cookie. But I stuck with my banana and I was all good. I made it through. And tonight I'm making some tea and I'll just go to bed early if the cravings get too bad.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm not going to be so strict with myself but I'll probably try it again. It is of course, the season premiere of The O.C., so we're having people over for Mexican food and to watch. I know, I know, I'm a total dork, but it's just so fabulous. I also can't wait for The Biggest Loser next week. Talk about motivation!

Tonight I did a basic ten mile ride, but I really pushed it on the speed. I averaged 16.2 mph in 10 miles, which for me is absolutely awesome. I think I need to do short speed rides like that once in a while to get me out of my comfort zone. I'm riding the Buffalo Bicycle Classic this weekend, only the 35 mile route, but I'm still sort of nervous about it. I've never participated in an organized bike ride like this before, and I think its probably going to be sort of tough. After all, as much as I've progressed over the past couple of months, I'm not exactly Lance Armstrong. But I'm going to do my best. I just got around to registering, but I'll post my donation page tomorrow in case anyone wants to support the University of Colorado Arts and Sciences scholarship fund.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


I rode to the reservoir yesterday, which means I rode over 60 miles in a Friday to Monday period. Go me! Unfortunately, I probably ate every single calorie that I burned this weekend. Holidays always get me like that.

Today I'm taking the day off from exercise, but I did stick to points all day so that feels good. I even cut down on the Chewy Peps. I still had a few, but I'm making progress. Tomorrow I'm going to try a day without any sugar. I think its going to be hard because I know that even though I keep my calories fairly low most of the time, I'm still completely addicted to sugar.

I've tried low carb diets like Atkins before and I know how hard the initial sugar withdrawal can be, and I always fall off of the wagon if I restrict myself too much. So I'm not going to do that, but I am going to work on cutting out the sugar. It's just wasted calories that I don't really need. I can have a piece of fruit instead.

I do need to keep carbs in my diet, especially with all of the riding I've been doing. I even need some simple sugars sometimes in the middle of a ride. This does not mean ice cream after dinner. Nope. A little treat once in a while is fine. But I've become accustomed to dessert after dinner and that is just not going to work.

So tomorrow is just one day without sugar. Wish me luck.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Things I Know

I am obsessed with Chewy Peps. Have you ever had one? They these hard peppermint candies that slowly become chewy as you suck on them. They are delicious and I eat way too many of them. I think for some reason I don't think of mints as candy. But all they really are is sugar. So I need to chill on the Chewy Peps.

This weekend has gone quite well so far aside from the fact that I've eaten more food than I should have. I've ridden almost 40 miles so far, I've avoided alcohol, and I'm sleeping well. The food thing is a struggle (what is it with me and nachos?), but today I'm feeling optimistic about my future. I like to look back on the positive changes I've made when I'm feeling guilty about this or that; it helps me remember that although I'm not perfect I've come a long way.

I've probably written some other version of this post before, but it helps me out so I'm going to do it again.

I now know what a proper portion size is, and my portion sizes are consistently smaller than they once were. I now crave exercise, where before I used to dread it. I know my body. I know my body like I know the back of my hand if that isn't too cliche for you. I'm extremely in tune with how I feel if I've eaten too much sugar, or too much fat, or pushed myself too hard or not hard enough in my workouts.

Good nutrition and healthy eating; they are part of my life now. And although sometimes I want to drop to the floor and kick and scream rather than eat one single vegetable, I've moved beyond that. Things are good. I'm not perfect. I may never be. But I'm doing okay.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Once again...

186.5. Wow. This sucks. Gained two weeks in a row. And lost a big fat nada for Renee's challenge.

Was I really committed? Probably not. But I'm not beating myself up. I'm just going to keep doing what I can do and hope it kicks in at some point.

My life is good right now. I have an awesome bike which provides a kick-ass workout. I have a nice hot shower. I have a couch and snacks and college football. I have the luxury of knowing that all of my friends and family are okay.

I know I have all of these things, and I cherish them even more as the news about Katrina's devastation grows ever worse. I feel so awful for everyone affected. I just can't imagine how difficult it must be.

My thoughts are with you right now.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Frozen Meal Hell

I am in frozen meal hell right now. You may or may not know that I can't cook. I mean seriously. I suck at it. I make due though, usually with sandwiches or pasta, things that are easy and quick.

I realize though, that I need to get on the ball and just figure it out. Out of six meals in the past two days, I've had three frozen meals. Now these are great for portion control. They help me stick to my points and even help me get in my vegetables. But they have a ridiculous amount of sodium and icky preservatives. So I need to chill with the frozen meals. But what am I going to eat?

Here's a typical day in the life of Jeni (and on plan day anyway):

Breakfast: All Bran Bar, Yogurt w/ Fiber One, or Cereal
Lunch: Turkey Sandwich, Pita and Hummus, or Frozen Meal (usually with carrots or some sort of fruit)
Snack: Granola Bar (usually before a bike ride)
Dinner: Frozen Meal, Spaghetti, Soup and Salad, something else easy

Looking at it now, it certainly doesn't look that great. And that's supposed to be a healthy day. Crikey. I try to throw in veggies whenever I can. I don't eat much meat, mostly just turkey, chicken, sometimes tuna and other fish. I'm going to thaw out some turkey meat for tomorrow and try to make some chili or something. I suppose that will have a lot of sodium too. But at least it'll be fresh. I am an adult. I can cook dinner. I just need a little guidance sometimes. Anyone have any thoughts?

On the exercise front, my obliques are seriously sore from yoga. I had an awesome bike ride tonight, although my tire is having issues and I need to figure that out. It's the middle of the week and I feel good.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Doing Okay

Okay so thanks for your comments. It isn't about being completely perfect. It's about making this part of my life. You guys are right. Oh I do like blogging! It's so nice to hear from people going through the same thing I am.

I did a Firm yoga video this morning. It's amazing how one yoga workout can calm me down and change my perspective. Of course I'm back on my mid-week kick. One thing I've definitely realized though, is that even though I enjoy having some drinks with my friends on the weekend, I'm depressed the next day after I drink alcohol. I just feel guilty and bad about myself. I don't like that feeling. So I'm going to work on that. It's not that I drink that much. But even that little bit makes me feel icky. And I don't want to feel icky.

I rode 22 miles on Sunday, all the way to the Cherry Creek Reservoir and back. It was awesome. And hot. And I was a little hung over. But it really helped my mood. It appears I may not lose any weight for Renee's challenge. But I'm thinking I need to stop worrying about the numbers so much. I have made a lot of progress during this challenge regardless of the number. I've ridden my bike longer than I ever had before. I made it up a huge hill without stopping or falling over. I've found a sport to do with the boy that we both love.

I'm doing okay. I want to lose weight. But I'm doing okay.

Sunday, August 28, 2005


I'm having a hard time right now. Friends in town from D.C. and I've let my eating go to shit. Literally. I ate a bad Mexican dinner last night. I drank too much. I ate pizza late night. These are the old habits from college that led to a seemingly neverending weight gain.

I just can't seem to find that place where I'm completely dedicated to my eating. I'm still doing well with working out. But the food thing isn't so easy. Friends are leaving town tomorrow, and the boy is going on business travel this week as well. Hopefully this week will be a chance for me to get back on track.

I guess I didn't even post my normal Friday weigh in. I gained 1.5 lbs to put me back at 185.5. It sucks. In the past six weeks I basically haven't lost any weight. I'm going to struggle to take off even a few pounds for Renee's challenge.

I'll try to post again when I'm in a better mood. Right now I'm just really down.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Wow. Thanks to those who mentioned I should take it easy for my first week back to work. You guys were right. I am exhausted. I managed a ride yesterday after work, but tonight I'm going to have to take a day off from working out. I just can't muster up the energy. I know a ride would probably invigorate me, but I have a flat and the thought of changing a tire, going on a ride and semi-darkness, and then staying awake past 10 is almost more than I can take. So I'll rest.

I've been mostly on track with my goals for the week, although I did eat a few activity points yesterday. I haven't been stress eating, I managed a workout, and I've been eating a good breakfast every morning. Okay I'm only two days in, but still. I think the breakfast thing will be easy. I can definitely see the need for happy hour arising soon though.

I've pretty much accepted I won't be making my Labor Day goal, which sucks. That also means I won't be filling a beaker of fat for Renee's challenge. But I'm still going to get as close as I can.

Losing weight is so hard. So all-consuming.

I'm mostly in a good place emotionally. I want to stay here. But I know if I don't actually lose some weight, instead of bobbing up and down within the same five pounds, I'm eventually going to get fed up. And that means I'll either let it all go to hell and gain, or I'll get hardcore and lose. Right now, I've got a lot of change to deal with. I'm going to focus on performing well in my new job, loving my boy, my family, and my friends, and being the best person I can be. This includes taking care of my body. Eating well. Riding my bike. Getting enough sleep. If I lose over the next couple of weeks, great. If I maintain, fine. I don't want to use this life change as an excuse to gain though. I won't.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Weekend Wrap Up

Tomorrow is the big day. I start my new job. I think I'll be fine. But still I'm nervous. This weekend has had its ups and downs. Last night we went out to a nice dinner. And I chose the fish, just like I said I would. But unfortunately the fish wasn't very good and I ended up mostly eating mashed potatoes. Not so good. And as often happens after a big meal out, I came home way too full. I paid for it on the scale this morning.

I know I know, I'm not supposed to weigh in every day. But I usually do. I never count it until Friday morning though. I'm good about that at least.

Today has been great. We rode 22.12 miles and it was awesome! We even maintained a 14.5 mph pace, which is the fastest I've gone for a ride that long. That feels good. I do know I should be doing even longer rides on the weekend at this point, but for some reason I'm scared to go over that 22 mile mark. Maybe next weekend.

Food has also been good today. I've earned a LOT of activity points but I will probably only eat one or two. Hopefully those calories burned will go toward some poundage lost!

So goals for my first week back with a full time job are:

1. Eat breakfast every day.
2. Work out at least 3 out of 5 business days.
3. Stick to 24 points every day.
4. No stress eating!

I think these goals are attainable. The stress eating will probably be the toughest goal, but I know I can do this. There are only 2 weeks left in Renee's challenge and I have to lose 2 lbs a week to make my goal. If I don't make it; I'll be okay. But if I do make it; I'll be ecstatic!

Friday, August 19, 2005

Weigh-In Day

Down .5 today to put me right at 184. Now I know a .5 loss is pretty miniscule, but I'm happy because it is still a loss and represents two weeks in a row of losing now. Which is awesome! Because I'm the type of person who, when I see a good loss one week, instead of getting even more motivated, usually takes that as an excuse to overeat and then of course I gain it back the next week. And on. And on. And on.

Thus the reason why I haven't lost a significant amount of weight in the past year.

Any who.

Back to my loss. I dare say it may have even been a bigger loss if I hadn't had my monthly visitor, but that's just an excuse so I'll try to put it out of my mind. My net loss for Renee's challenge is still only 1.5 lbs because of my big gain in the first two weeks, so I still have a way to go to hit my beaker, and of course my personal goal of being under 180 by Labor Day. I think I can do it though. I'm aiming high.

I have one weekend left until I start my new job. Now normally this would be an excuse for me to go hog wild and eat everything in sight because I'm getting ready to encounter that next milestone in my career and other such bullshit excuses. But this weekend I am NOT going to do that. I'm going to dinner with my parents to celebrate, but I will once again choose the fish. In fact, I think "choose the fish" is going to be my new mantra. I kind of like the sound of that. It's funny how words can take on strange new meanings in my head. To me, choosing the fish is somehow symbolic of my decision to take on a healthy lifestyle. To get outside and work my body and to enjoy activity more than couch surfing and to eat fruits and veggies and ride my bike and avoid too much sugar and to, you know, choose the fish.

So this weekend will not be a binge fest. I will eat well so that come Monday morning, I feel refreshed and healthy rather than bloated and disgusting for my first day. Yes. I will choose the fish.

Edit: Today Slim Spirited has a great question for what she calls Fit and Fabulous Friday! What keeps you going on the weekends? Check it out!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


So yesterday I was all gung ho about The Firm, which I hadn't done in a while even though I had said I was going to do it twice a week. Typical. But I did it yesterday, which is what counts. And I am so effing sore it is unbelievable. That "I have to lower myself down on the toilet like I'm pregnant because my legs hurt so bad" type of sore. You know, the kind where it hurts to dry your hair because you don't want to hold your arms up for so long. The kind where... well you get the idea. I'll quit complaining. But ow.

So this morning I decided to do a sort of recovery ride type of thing just to clear out my muscles a little and help with the soreness. I think it was probably a good decision because I'm feeling a little better. But I was SO slow. Probably the slowest I've been since I got my bike about 6 weeks ago. I only rode 10 miles, but at least I got out there. It's better than nothing. In fact it's pretty damn good if I think about where I've come from.

Last night went well as far as the fourth night in a row having dinner out. I had the halibut and asparagus, no dessert, and only one tiny slice of bread. It's nights like that where I know I can make good decisions when I'm out in social situations. But unfortunately those nights are fairly rare right now. I'm working on it though. We'll see how this weekend goes.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Rawr! I'm feeling especially fabulous today for no apparent reason. I'm starving (2 days and counting until the monthly visitor) but that hasn't really stopped me from feeling great. I credit it all to The Firm. I did Complete Body Sculpting this morning and my legs are all wobbly and tired but I just feel like such a strong woman. Just like Keryn, who has reminded herself that she is an athlete. Go Keryn! Well I'm an athlete too damn it! I feel good.

No bike today, but that's okay because I did the Firm workout and my ass needs a break from the bike every once in a while. I may have a lot of padding there, but too much time in the saddle and I'm definitely feeling it. I think I need to obtain some of that Chamois Butter I've been reading about.

So tonight will mark the 4th night in a row that I've had dinner out at a restaurant, and this is not even by choice people. It's the boy's brother's b-day (if that makes sense) so we're going to fancy Elway's. Yes folks, this is the famous quarterback John Elway's steakhouse. It's actually pretty yummy, and I plan to get some sort of fish, but it's a little expensive. Oh well, it's a celebration. I've heard they even have some sort of retro Ding Dong dessert, but you can bet I'll be avoiding that. I don't need no stinkin' Ding Dong. See ya on the flip!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Back to the Grind

I officially have a job. I start next Monday. I'm excited about the company and the position. And I'm really excited to not have to worry about money all of the time anymore and have something to do with my days. I'll miss leisurely mornings of waking up at 9:30, working out whenever I want, and hanging out with the dogger all day. But at least I'll have something productive to do.

This brings me to a new set of anxieties. Will I fit in to any of my old work clothes? Will my clothes be stylish? Will I get along with my colleagues? Will I be the fattest person in the room? All day long. Every day. All week. I hate this question. But I know it's a question I'll always ask myself. I have my confident days. I know I have a pretty face. Believe me, I've heard that one a million times. As many overweight women have. I like my hair. I dress well. I'm smart and get along with people. But starting a new job is hard. So I'm excited, but I'm nervous.

The good news is, the position is about 4 miles away from my house and I plan to ride my bike once in a while. Hopefully even a lot. I'll save money and I'll burn some calories at the same time. I am concerned about getting all beautified before work and then putting on my helmet and getting all sweaty and gross before I even get to the office. How do people who ride to work deal with that issue? Do they take their work clothes in a bag and change at the office? I need to find someone who does this so I can figure it all out. At this point I'll probably drive the first couple of days or maybe even weeks until I'm sure of the culture around the office, etc...

As far as eating habits go, hopefully I'll be surrounded by colleagues who make healthy choices. I plan to bring my lunch most days of the week, but I'm easily influenced by candy dishes lurking on desks and things of that nature. But, they say it takes 21 days to make a habit, so if I start out eating well hopefully it will just become routine.

Now I have one more week of freedom before I'm hitting it hard from 8:30-5:30 or longer. I'm going to ride my bike every day. I'm even going to do a test run to the new office. I'm going to go out to dinner to celebrate my new position. I'm going to spend a lot of time with the dogger. And I'm going to enjoy being me.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Some Days

Last week was awesome. I lost 2.5 lbs. Now the boy is home. And I think this week is going to be much more difficult. Losing weight is easier when I can just hole up inside my apartment, decline lunch and dinner invitations and spend lots of time working out. I didn't work out Friday or Saturday. I've eaten almost every meal this weekend out at a restaurant. Which means I've eaten a shitload of points. Still haven't used up all of my flex points, but that's only because I rode 17 miles today and counted allegedly earned 10 activity points (according to WW Online Activity Points Calculator). And my heart rate monitor said I burned 1316 calories.

But dammit those calories are supposed to be for creating a deficit, not just so I can eat way too much food. Again its the weekend issues. And again I say I'm going to be better during the week. And I know I can do better this week. But I don't know if I'll make up for the damage I've caused these past two days. Some days its easy. Some days its just so hard.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Weigh-In Day

Down 2.5 this week to 184.5! I guess I shouldn't have been worried after all. This has been a great week overall; I'm proud of myself for kicking some 'arse this week. It's strange though, how I'm slightly depressed at seeing this weight. I'm happy and I feel good about the progress that I'm making, but I can't help thinking about where I could be if I hadn't gone off program. I suppose I just need to focus on the positive changes and let go of any negativity and guilt. I see my weight chart though, and I see how it was down at 176 earlier this year, and it makes me kind of sad.

I guess that's just part of the mental conflict I experience as a part of losing weight. I think most people who are going through this process question themselves, and I'm no different. Am I doing this for the right reasons? I think so. But I don't want my weight to envelop me; to become the only thing I think about, the only thing I do. Maybe I'll go ride my bike. I think it will help clear my head.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Random Update

OH MY gawd I am so hungry right now. Phew. Just wanted to get that off of my chest. I just went to get a highlight/cut and it took forever. And I only had a small Jamba Juice for lunch, not exactly a good choice but it was the only thing I had time for.

I'm feeling much much better today, so I went on a ride this morning. Did 12.67 miles, but I did go at a slower pace than I normally do. Which is fine, I don't want to push it too hard. I also road through a section of the park where the sprinklers were on and got completely drenched, and not in a good way. Of course they use lake water in the sprinklers, so it was disgusting and dirty and just gross. It would have been nice if it would have been super hot out, but of course it wasn't. Ah well such is life.

So I'm completely out of food and need to go grocery shopping terribly. I'm cooking up a South Beach Diet Pizza, which is pretty much my only option right now. It's probably not the best choice considering all the sodium it has and that tomorrow is my weigh in day, but its better than Pizza Hut.

The boy was supposed to come home from London today, but stupid British Airways obviously doesn't pay its people enough because the catering group has decided to strike. I feel so sorry for him, having to sit at the airport all day, then go back to the hotel, then figure out how the hell he's going to get home. He's decided to fly out of Gatwick on American Airlines instead, so at least he'll get home at some point. I just feel for him; traveling delays are the worst. Especially when all you want to do is be at home.

I don't know why, but I'm terrified of my weigh in tomorrow. Probably because I gained 1.5 last week, and I was really disappointed. I really want to get rid of that gain plus a little, and I think I've done all I can do to lose this week. I ate right. I exercised. I got enough sleep. I guess that's what's so scary. If I can't lose on a week where I've given it my all, how will I ever lose this weight? I'm not going to worry about that until tomorrow though.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

My Little Secret

Argh. Stupid blogger. I had an entire post written and voila, it disappears when I go to publish. Turns out blogger was down for an hour for maintenance. I guess I should have known realized. Oh well. New post.

Today I am not feeling well. I haven't mentioned this yet, but I guess its time to go ahead and get it out there, seeing as how I've put pretty much everything else out there so far. I have psoriasis, and a pretty bad case of it. It's mostly all over my hands and feet, but I have little spots all over my body. It's annoying, but its not life threatening, and its something I've lived with since I was 18. It appeared during my freshman year in college, coinciding with some serious stress as well as weight gain. I guess I've always secretly thought if I lost weight it might go away. I know that's probably not the case because all of the doctors say it doesn't really have anything to do with how much you weigh. But still. A girl can dream.

Anyway, so yesterday I started a new treatment for my psoriasis, it's called Raptiva, and I give it to myself via injection once a week. The side effects for your first injection include flu-like symptoms, but its supposed to subside after the first two to three injections. Today I'm feeling achey, feverish, tired, and just all around icky. So I skipped my workout in favor of a nap.

This makes two days in a row without working out, and I definitely feel restless. I hate skipping a day when I planned to ride. But I know I need to take care of my body, so rest was probably the best thing for me to do today.

Food-wise, things are going very well. I've been sticking to my points, even though I did break down and go get a salad from Whole Food's last night. I'm glad I did though, because I got in some much needed veggies. I'm also sitting here drinking my first ever cup of Adagio tea, and I must say it is quite delicious. I got a new teapot as well. So fun! Nicole, if you pop by here, thanks for promoting this tea on your site. It's so yummy!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Today I am battling food boredom. I'm not off track. I don't want to get off track and I don't plan to get off track. But I am severely lacking when it comes to cooking skills. It's actually not so much that I can't cook. It's just that I don't want to. It's just not something I enjoy. I enjoy going out to eat, it's fun for me. And we eat out a lot. Partly because we like to, partly because of time constraints, and partly because I don't really like to cook. The boy likes to cook occasionally, but not often.

Anyway, I ate every meal of the day at home yesterday. Now to some people, that sounds completely normal. But for me it really isn't. And I had breakfast and lunch at home today as well. I have 14 points left for the day, and I want to go out. I guess I just want to get out of the house more than anything. I know I shouldn't spend money, but it's either buy groceries or go buy a cheap dinner. I'm thinking maybe Quizno's. Or Jamba Juice. Oh god this is bad. I'm sitting here; I just finished lunch, and I'm spending my afternoon thinking about what I can have for dinner.

Okay in other news, I'm taking today off from working out. Yesterday was a tough ride and I think my body needs some time to recover. It's so weird though, I almost hate to take the day off. It's exciting because I'm finally back in that place where working out is such an important part of my life, I just don't feel right if I take too much time off. Now if the scale will only budge this week.

Monday, August 08, 2005


I wrote in an earlier post, last week, that I didn't think my problem was binging. But I've been thinking about that a lot lately. And I think I was lying to myself, and the Internet, when I wrote that. Yes it is true that I have a major problem with eating in social situations. It is no doubt my biggest obstacle. But that isn't the only reason that I weigh what I do. I too, like so many others out there, use food as an emotional crutch.

Two years ago, when I moved to Washington D.C., I was all alone. I was so excited, I was moving across the country ALL BY MYSELF and I was going to go to grad school. But I was also terrified. I was leaving my family, who'd been no more than 45 minutes away for my entire life. Now they were going to be a 4 hour plane ride, minimum. I was leaving the boy and attempting a long distance relationship. I've always been an independent person; it's something I pride myself on. But it can also be overwhelming to be alone.

My mom drove out to D.C. with me and helped me set up my apartment. I had no furniture. I had a bed, a desk, and a T.V. stand with a tiny T.V. on it. I had an empty living room. No couch, no nothing. The day my mom left I sat on the floor in that empty room and cried. My dog was scared to death. But he couldn't have been half as scared as I was. So I ordered a pizza. Pizza Hut pan pizza, black olives only. And I got a bottle of wine. A bottle of wine and a pizza from Pizza Hut became my new friends.

Grad school is hard. And making new friends in a new city is hard. There were countless nights in those first months when I ordered that pizza and drank that wine. And sure, all the while I tried to maintain a diet program of some sort. But I binged when I was sad, when I missed the boy and my family, and when the work just got too stressful. Because I thought those things could fill me up.

I haven't binged in a while. I've lost 30 lbs since those days. I've gained 15 of them back, but it wasn't due to binging. I'm back to losing those pounds now, and I'm feeling good about where I'm going. I'm finally back home, in a city where I'm happy. I have my family and friends and the boy close at hand. And I'm using my free time to do things I've always wanted to do, like ride a bike further than I ever imagined.

I may see the dormant binging monster that lies inside of me wake up once more. He may be gone for good. I'm not going to lie and say that Pizza Hut and a bottle of wine don't appeal to me right now, at this very minute. But right now, I like how I'm feeling mentally. And I don't want to ruin that with grease and alcohol. I don't need those things to fill me up.



I did another 20 miles today (21.5 actually, but who's counting? Oh yeah ME!), and I think I need a nap. I didn't have my usual peanut butter on a whole wheat English muffin for breakfast, and I waited until noon to leave, and the combination of the heat and lack of good protein in my system made me tired. Very tired. I didn't bonk, but I think I might have been close. I've read a little bit about bonking but I've never done it, at least I don't think I have.

I started out with Frosted Mini Wheat's this morning because I wasn't really planning on going for a long ride, just maybe doing some elliptical or something of that nature. But I felt like riding, so I went. I went the opposite direction of my normal route, and rode down the Platte River Trail for quite a while. I was even considering making today my 30 mile ride, but it started getting incredibly hot and my arms looked like little red sausages, so I turned back. Also there was this man in a red jersey riding behind me for about 7 miles or so, and I started getting paranoid about it.

This is how my paranoid mind works. Instead of thinking, oh this man thinks I'm riding at a good pace and he's just using me to pace himself, I start thinking this: This man is a rapist. He's going to follow me until I get super tired. Then when I pull over for a rest, he's going to make his move and attack me on this random trail and I barely even know where I am. And I'm going to be so tired from this ride, I won't even be able to fight.

What the eff is wrong with me? I pulled over and let the man go by. Turns out he's probably about 150 years old. No wonder he thought I was going at a good pace! I'm so freaking negative sometimes. But the good news is, he sort of inspired me. I mean I hope I'm that old and I'm still riding. Okay he was really 150, but he did have some serious wrinkles going on.

Anyway back to the ride. So I was getting sunburned, so I turned back around at the Overland Golf Course (I think that's the name). Luckily I thought ahead enough to put some sunscreen on, but I didn't think about that little space on my back where my shirt rides up when I'm tucking. So now I have this funny little sunburn line on my lower back. Eh. This is just one more reason why I need a cycling jersey instead of a cheap Old Navy tank top. Oh how I wish. I also really want to move to clipless pedals and shoes, but alas, I lack the funds.

At about 17 miles, I stopped at Confluence Park for a little rest, and seriously considered eating my granola bar. The thought of eating it didn't sound great, and I only had 4.5 miles left, so I decided against it. Bad move. With 2 miles left I was struggling. I pulled over and ate half of the granola bar. I gave the rest to a homeless man looking through the trash. And I pushed through the heat to make it home, but it was definitely a slower ride than it should have been. I"m new to doing these long distances, but I'm pretty sure I need to put some Gatorade or something in one of my water bottles. I think.

I came home, sat on the couch for a while, finally got off of my arse and had a shower and some real food, and now I just want to sleep. But I'm not going to. I'm going to take the dogger for a walk.

I weighed myself this morning and it wasn't pretty and I'm pissy about that. Why am I working out so much and not losing. I need to do a math post like Joy, but I'm too lazy and not good enough at tracking my calories. I feel like I've said this before. I probably have.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Weekend Wrap Up

This weekend was 100% better than last weekend. It wasn't perfect in the sense of clean eating, but I think it was great considering the conditions.

Friday night, after my 20 mile ride, we ended up at cheesy Denver landmark Casa Bonita with about 15 other people. You probably don't know anything about Casa Bonita, so let me just tell you that it isn't so well-known for its food. This huge Mexican restaurant seats about 1100 people, and judging from my experience it's mostly families with screaming kids. The restaurant has indoor cliffs complete with cliff divers, little one-act plays, Black Bart's cave, and an arcade. When you enter you are shuffled through a line and pick up your food buffet style, with choices of beef or chicken all-you-can eat plates. Yuck. Well being my picky self (don't eat beef, very sensitive with other meat) I ended up with a cheese enchilada plate. I ate the processed cheese enchiladas because I knew I had to have something in my stomach or else the beers I planned on having would go to my head. They weren't a great choice point-wise, but they were the best I could do in the situation. I'm not going to bust out a Zone bar or something in front of 15 of my friends. Sorry but I just can't do that. And I'm proud of myself for not overeating just because I had the all you can eat opportunity.

Saturday I took my little sister to see a movie. A movie all about candy. I think you know which one I'm talking about. I refrained from the candy but I did have some popcorn, but I had the points for it so it was fine. I also took yesterday as a rest day workout-wise to recover my long ride on Friday.

Today I did a short, 10 mile ride, and ate clean all day until tonight, we went to Chili's. I had some fries, which dipped me into activity and flex points, but it's still fine because that's what those points are for right? I feel a little fuller than I'd like to, but overall I'm pretty happy with my weekend. I'm feeling great about all the riding I've been doing, and I'm thinking about trying out 30 miles this week at some point. We'll see if I actually get up the nerve to do it without the boy along for moral support (he's out of town) but I'd really like to. I played around with the most excellent gmap Pedometer, and I think I could find some really cool routes.

This is the first weekend in a while that I've actually had flex points left on Sunday night, so I'm feeling really great about that. I'd like to keep those flex points all week and see how that contributes to my loss this week (because I do plan on losing this week). The goal of course will not be a weight loss goal, although secretly I'd like to get rid of that 1.5 lb gain from the last 2 weeks as well as another .5. But scale weight aside, I'd like to continue to focus on getting my veggies in and kicking up my mileage on the bike. Now it's off to read before bed!

Friday, August 05, 2005

My Thumbs Hurt

My thumbs hurt.

I decided to do my 20 mile ride today. Not for any specific reason, but just because I felt really good when I was out there. The temperature was perfect and I just felt good. I tried to keep my heart rate down a bit, but I ended up averaging about 155, which is still pretty high I guess. Final numbers were:

Distance: 20.57 miles
Time: 1.35.06
Avg. Speed: 13.4
Avg. Heart rate 155
Calories Burned: 1634.

Can you believe I burned that many calories? I can't. I still can't believe I burn as many calories as I do every time I work out. But I trust my heart rate monitor. It's new. It's not that fancy. But I trust it. Am I wrong to trust it? I don't use that calories burned number as an excuse to eat more. I try to stick with WW activity points. It's hard for me to tell really because I haven't been tracking my food as well as I should be, and I've definitely been eating more calories than I've burned over the past two weeks at least. Thus the gain.

But back to my thumbs. I think I rest a lot of my weight on my thumbs when I'm riding, especially when I'm trying to stay right on the breaks in case I get going to fast (which I'm still very scared of). So I'm working on not resting on my thumbs. But I can tell my legs are getting stronger. Hills still kill me. I was going so slow up one hill this afternoon that I was practically at a dead stop. I was wobbling. I was about to fall over. But I pushed through. For about two more strides. Then I had to stop and turn around. So yes, I need to work on hills. I live in Denver. I have giant mountains less than 50 miles away. If I ever want to climb one of those giant mountains I need to work on the hills.

But I feel good about the ride, it's the furthest I've gone yet. I'm sort of all over the place with my workouts, no real schedule or plan, but at least I'm doing them. Even if I'm wobbling occasionally.

Weigh-In Day

As of 2 weeks ago I was at 185.5. Today I weighed in at 187, for a 2 week gain of 1.5. I'm disappointed, but I guess I knew it was coming. I ate poorly while in Texas and I'm paying for it now. So as of today I'm modifying my labor day goal of 175.5, which is just unrealistic at this point. And if I don't succeed I don't want to be feeling guilty and pissed off at myself. Instead I'm going to work toward getting under 180. Even if that means 179.5 (my scale weighs me in .5 increments). I will do this by labor day. I will have lost my one beaker of fat, and hopefully even a little more.

What this means though, is that there is little room for straying off plan. Tonight a bunch of people will be coming over to hang out and then go out in my neighborhood. There will be beer. And I will drink some. But I don't want to get drunk because I don't want to feel like shit tomorrow and I want to go on a ride tomorrow. I'm doing an easy ride today, probably about 10 miles depending on the condition of the trail. I want to do 20 tomorrow. And I know I won't do that if I overdo it tonight.

I know today will be the day I use my flex points, which is fine because the boy is going out of town for work tomorrow so I should be able to eat at home all week long. But even so, I don't want to eat 50 points today just because it's Friday. I guess I'm just sitting here trying to psych myself up for tonight, because I know I'm going to encounter lots of challenges. But like I said in my previous post, I'm going to be in a social situation and I'm going to think about Renee's challenge and all of the ladies out there who are kicking some fat ass!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Okay. So I said I meant it. But yesterday I completely screwed up. It's the lure of free food I guess. Right now money is really tight because I still don't have a job. But eating out is one of my favorite pastimes (no doubt much of the reason why I'm so hefty). Suffice it to say yesterday I ate out, for free, for both lunch and dinner. And no I did not make good decisions.

But I'm back today. I wonder how many times I've said that? Will I always say it, for the rest of my life? Or will one day actually be the day that I say I'm back and then I stay back? Maybe. But then again, I don't really think of these little slip-ups as "falling off the wagon," per se. Instead I think of them as little obstacles that I need to overcome. And hopefully those obstacles will make me that much better. And make me work that much harder.

Today for instance, I rode my bike 15 miles. I burned 1374 calories. And it felt great. After a workout like that I should be starving. I'm not today, most likely because I overate yesterday. But I'm not going to eat just because I have the points. Today I've been eating until I feel satisfied. And that's all I really need to eat every day. But when there's a plate of free pizza sitting there, somehow I can't just eat until satisfied. I have to eat until stuffed.

Maybe this all has to do with my Type-A, stingy personality. Or maybe it has to do with my childhood. I'm reading Tales From the Scale right now. And I feel some sort of connection with these women. I read it at night, then I go to sleep full of optimism and ideas about my future me. But somehow I can't get those thoughts to stay with me. When I'm out to dinner and I encounter a plate of nachos I can't remember those inspiring women. Instead I think about why shouldn't I be able to eat the same thing as my skinny friend, and everyone else at the table. I have a serious problem making good decisions in social situations.

You'd think it would be in those situations that I would feel most self-conscious about my food choices. I've heard countless stories about overweight women choosing celery at a BBQ but binging on oreos at home. And that's the struggle they face. And I know it's a hard one.

But I think my struggle is different. I go to a BBQ and eat chips the entire time. I try to minimize the amount of food people actually see me eat, don't get me wrong, but I still eat way too much. And people do see me eat it. And I know it's why I haven't lost more weight. I'm not lacking in exercise. I love the way exercise makes me feel. But I can't stop eating. And people notice. Most of the people in my life would never say anything. My grandpa would. But most of the other people wouldn't.

I don't know if this post will even make any sense when I read it over again. I don't know if I'm coming to any conclusions about how to change my behavior. I guess I'm just trying to identify what the behavior is right now. Maybe I'm not ready to change it. I don't know if I ever will be.

I know the person I want to be. I want to be fit and healthy. I want to ride my bike. I want to look good in my bike shorts. I want to make good decisions naturally when I go out to eat. But I don't want to be the nitpicky fat girl. I don't want people to think my choices are strange or that I'm fighting a losing battle. And I absolutely DO NOT want to just stay home so that I don't have to deal with these types of situations. I do that a lot already. But I'm not going to do it all the time. It's just who I am.

For now I guess I'm just going to think about the healthy foods I bought at the grocery store today and try to figure out something good for dinner. And I'm going to get up in the morning and work out. And I'm going out to lunch with my sister. So I'm going to do my best to make a good choice there. Because Friday is my weigh-in day, and I fear I'm going in the wrong direction. I'm going to focus on Renee's challenge when I'm out in social situations. And hopefully I'm going to make this work.