Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Q&A

First, I'm not even going to discuss Thanksgiving. It wasn't good. I'll leave it at that. Why do I use family time as an excuse to stuff my face? I suck. Moving on.

Anne and Jodi both did this on their blogs today and I thought I'd follow suit. Here are the answers to a few questions about why I'm losing weight.

1. Why are you trying to lose weight?

Wow. I could go on and on. But mostly because I want to be at a healthy weight - a weight where I'm not worried about getting Type II diabetes and a weight where I feel comfortable in my own skin. A weight where I can run and be active and not have to worry about what all the extra poundage is doing to my joints. And, if we're being honest here, so I can buy ridiculously expensive jeans and look hot in them.

2. Do you have a reward for yourself once you reach goal?

I've tried the rewards thing before - a manicure for ten pounds, etc. - but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I know I'll go shoppping when I hit my goal, and maybe I should think about doing something a little more serious, but for right now I don't have a specific reward in mind. It's sad to say, but sometimes my goal seems so far off that I can't even imagine what I'd want as a reward when I finally get there. I know I should think positively about it though. Maybe I should do like a trip to a spa or something, a really fancy one, as a reward. I guess I'll have to think about that one a little more.

3. What food do you wish had zero calories and zero fat?

OMG a lot of stuff, but mostly ice cream. I love ice cream and could seriously eat it ever day. Mmmmm......

4. As you lose weight, what do you find yourself enjoying more?

I'd have to agree with the other bloggers out there that I love shopping. I always hated it when the only place I could shop was LB or other big girl shops. It was so discouraging to go into the regular shops and just look at clothes, and maybe try on an XL shirt in one of them only to have it be too tight. Ugh. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I still can't buy clothes everywhere, but I'm getting closer.

As far as other things I find myself enjoying more - going out with friends is definitely one. Denver is a decent sized city, but I can be sure that if I go out downtown with friends on a Saturday night I'll see either someone from high school or college. Sometimes that's great, but sometimes it's mortifying. It's getting better though.

5. What's your new favorite low fat food/treat?

I don't know that they are low fat specifically, but I have a few staples when it comes to being on plan. And by on plan I mean eating right, working out and in losing mode. My favorites include wheat bread with peanut butter, spinach salads and salmon. As far as treats go, I'm a big fan of small bites of the good stuff rather than eating a bunch of fake crap. It just never satisfies me and I always end up eating more than I should.

Okay that's it for now I guess. It's snowing here and the boy is stuck in traffic, so I'm in for a dinner of scrambled eggs and chopped bell peppers by myself. I'm so gourmet. Have a good one!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Monday

Feh. Up a half pound from last week. I guess I should have known that the seven pound loss wouldn't have lasted. I'm just glad I'm only up a half a pound this week instead of more. I'm still mostly on track, although I had a little too much wine over the weekend and that's probably what led to the gain. It's weird how disappointing it is though. Like I knew it was coming, but it still sucks. When you try so hard, you expect to be skinny all the sudden. Right away dammit!

Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and the foodfest sort of terrifies me and excites me at the same time. We're headed to Texas to see my dad and the roadtrip always always means lots of fast food and crap. I haven't figured out what my plan is yet. I probably should have a plan but I don't.

Work is blah. Monday blues I guess. Trying to keep trying.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Fat and Salt and Sugar

I want a big fat burrito with cheese and sour cream. And then some ice cream for desert. Argh! Really I'm just trying out beta. But I also just wanted to complain for a minute. It's weird, even when I have an awesome weigh-in, or maybe especially when I have an awesome weigh-in, I just can't wait to go and fuck it all up. I am CRAVING Mexican food big time. It's killing me. Maybe I just haven't been getting enough fat.

I'm not even going to attempt to make a low fat version of what I really want, because I know that just won't do. Instead I'm making a baked potato with broccoli and I'm going to mix up some cottage cheese in the magic bullet until it's all smooth and put that on the top. Now I know that may sound fairly disgusting to you all, but I'm just going to have to do it. It's got fiber, protein and a little fat, and I think it will satiate me. I know it will.

But God, sometimes food isn't just about being satiated. I've been doing great lately, but I'm missing the social fun of food. And the solace I find in food. The comfort of dialing P1zza Hut. The joy of cracking open a bottle of wine and having that and a bag of popcorn for dinner and that's it. I know I wouldn't enjoy how I'd feel afterward, and I'd never resort to it, but I miss it sometimes. Guess we can't be perfect all the time eh. It's going to take a while, maybe forever, to retrain this brain of mine. Luckily I've got nothing but time.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Thin

So - just to clarify, yes I did lose seven pounds this week, but I know most of that was bloat and water weight, so I'm not expecting any miracles next week.

Anywho, I'm watching this documentary on HB0 called Th1n. It follows four women at an eating disorder clinic in Florida and it is incredible to watch. It's strange for me how fascinated I am with eating disorders. I'm overweight, and at times slightly obsessive about my weight, but I've never had a full blown eating disorder and I certainly don't plan to. But I'm still a woman who has serious issues with food, and I guess I can relate to a certain extent.

Food is such a powerful thing. It's amazing the control it can have over people. It can be as bad or worse than any drug out there. In my humble opinion.

Anyway, I don't have a point here, but you should watch it if you get a chance.

Monday, November 13, 2006

172

Yippee! I'm back down to 172. 8 days of clean eating, and I mean seriously clean eating, has its rewards. Seven pounds to be exact. Wow. I could not be happier with this. And I finally hit the gym really hard tonight and burned some calories. My stamina still leaves something to be desired, but I'll get it back. I get it back and I'll do even better.

Before the wedding, I was running a 5K in about 37 minutes, or about a 12 minute mile. Today it took me 42 minutes because I had to stop and walk about four times. I'm okay with that though. It could have been worse.

I'm doing great now, but we'll see what happens when the boy gets home in a couple of days. The real test will be the trip to see my dad for Thanksgiving, a holiday I'm not exactly sure what to think about. I've mentioned trips to see my dad before. Usually they are filled with food, but this time I'm really going to try to nip that in the bud. That's probably a whole nother post for another time though.

So this past week has been great, and even though I hate Mondays, I feel pretty good about stuff right now. Had an awesome dinner of roasted chicken, sauteed zucchini and bell peppers and brown rice after a kick butt workout. Now I'm all settled in on my couch to read blogs and watch Heros and chillax for an hour or two before bed. Have a great night!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

All By Myself

Sing it to the tune of the sappy love song people. And if you don't know the song, then consider yourself lucky. So my husband, aka the boy, has been in China for a week now. And I've taken that week to get back on track eating wise. Quite fabulously I might add. As I mentioned previously, I'm changing my official weigh-in day to Monday's, but I'm confident I will be very happy with my progress via the scale tomorrow. Workouts aren't exactly back on track yet, but I'm working on it. It will come in time.

It's interesting to me how self-centered I become when I'm in the groove of losing weight. I've heard lots of talk about how women are too worried about everyone else's happiness and we never take time to worry about our own happiness. And if you want to lose weight and get healthy and fit, you have to worry about yourself. You have to say no to favors and decline social invitations and sometimes you have to do things that make people feel uncomfortable.

I've almost been lucky that the boy has been out of town this week, because it's given me a chance to really focus on myself without having to worry about anything else. This weekend has been all about planning and cooking and shopping and I know that probably wouldn't have been the case had he been here. Believe me, I would rather cuddle on the couch with him and a glass of wine than make yet another chicken salad with water as my beverage of choice, but that's not quite as healthy of an option now is it?

Where I really feel the "making other people happy" is not with the boy, because he's so awesome and supportive no matter what I do, but when I'm out in social situations. For the most part I'm a pretty fun gal. I like to go out and have a good time and when I'm out I like to make sure everyone else is having a good time too. But when I'm in the weight loss groove so to be speak, I can't be as worried about whether or not everyone else is having a good time. I am not going to get wasted with you just because you need to let loose. I'm not going to stay up until 2 and sacrifice hours of precious sleep to make sure your party keeps going. I just can't. And I know that sounds selfish and bitchy, but I just need to put myself first right now.

I need to put myself first on Thanksgiving day, at my office Christmas party, and during every single holiday event that happens this year. I need to put myself first, and believe me, you won't even remember that I didn't eat your sugar cookies in a couple of weeks. So please, just let me put myself first. Just for a little while.

P.S. Thanks for the comments about my weight loss jealousy. You guys were right. I talked to her and complimented her and I think we ended up striking up a little weight loss friendship. Nice!

All By Myself

Sing it to the tune of the sappy love song people. And if you don't know the song, then consider yourself lucky. So my husband, aka the boy, has been in China for a week now. And I've taken that week to get back on track eating wise. Quite fabulously I might add. As I mentioned previously, I'm changing my official weigh-in day to Monday's, but I'm confident I will be very happy with my progress via the scale tomorrow. Workouts aren't exactly back on track yet, but I'm working on it. It will come in time.

It's interesting to me how self-centered I become when I'm in the groove of losing weight. I've heard lots of talk about how women are too worried about everyone else's happiness and we never take time to worry about our own happiness. And if you want to lose weight and get healthy and fit, you have to worry about yourself. You have to say no to favors and decline social invitations and sometimes you have to do things that make people feel uncomfortable.

I've almost been lucky that the boy has been out of town this week, because it's given me a chance to really focus on myself without having to worry about anything else. This weekend has been all about planning and cooking and shopping and I know that probably wouldn't have been the case had he been here. Believe me, I would rather cuddle on the couch with him and a glass of wine than make yet another chicken salad with water as my beverage of choice, but that's not quite as healthy of an option now is it?

Where I really feel the "making other people happy" is not with the boy, because he's so awesome and supportive no matter what I do, but when I'm out in social situations. For the most part I'm a pretty fun gal. I like to go out and have a good time and when I'm out I like to make sure everyone else is having a good time too. But when I'm in the weight loss groove so to be speak, I can't be as worried about whether or not everyone else is having a good time. I am not going to get wasted with you just because you need to let loose. I'm not going to stay up until 2 and sacrifice hours of precious sleep to make sure your party keeps going. I just can't. And I know that sounds selfish and bitchy, but I just need to put myself first right now.

I need to put myself first on Thanksgiving day, at my office Christmas party, and during every single holiday event that happens this year. I need to put myself first, and believe me, you won't even remember that I didn't eat your sugar cookies in a couple of weeks. So please, just let me put myself first. Just for a little while.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Jealousy

So, I am doing good. I'm changing my official weigh in to Monday, so I won't post anything here until then, but I think my water weight is off and now I only have a few pounds before I'm back down to where I was before the wedding madness set in. I feel good about it.

I also finally made it back to the gym, although it was pure torture forcing myself to go. Once I got there I kept telling myself, you can stop in five minutes, you can stop in five minutes. I ended up doing the whole 45 on the new ellipticals there and kept my heart rate in the low 150's the whole time. I know it's not a substitute for running, but I think switching it up to the elliptical once in a while is just fine. At least I got through it, right?

The weird thing is, even though my heart rate was up there, I barely sweat at all. Usually I've got buckets of the stuff pouring off of me, and I've even noticed it more since I've gotten in better and better shape. But now that I've taken some time off of working out, my sweat is gone? Weird. I bet it comes back.

Bah, I have about a billion things to say about the eating habits and weight and blah blah blah, but it all has to do with work and I'm terrified to post it here. In a nutshell, I'm having issues and I think it's jealousy because of this woman who has lost about 50 lbs since May and I feel crappy that I can't be more happy for her. She's great and she completely deserves it. But she's getting to the point where she's looking really awesome and tons of people are complimenting her. And I want that. I'm such an evil person.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Holla

I'm back and I'm considering this day 2. Yesterday I finally got back on the wagon. And actually, I sort of slapped the wagon in the face. But looking back on it, I guess I sort of did ease myself back in. It's like I tip toed up to the ledge, but then once I got there I just fucking jumped. You know?

So as of yesterday, I pretty much cut out all sugar and anything refined. I'm chillin with the chicken and the eggs and the veggies and the water and trying to get all the crap out of my system. And I'm okay with it and I'm feeling good and I'm actually happy. Which is sort of a miracle. I'm sort of terrified about getting through the next two months without gaining any weight, so instead my plan is to go the opposite way. That's right, I plan to lose weight over this holiday season, and lose a fairly significant amount. I'm going for at least 12 lbs for January 1. This will put me firmly in the 160's for the new year.

In year's past I've lost weight during the year, sometimes all the way up until October, and then proceeded to gain most of it back during November and December. But not this year. I don't want my grandpa secretly watching how much pie I take at Thanksgiving dinner. I don't want the family Christmas pictures to make me cringe. I don't want to feel sick on the drive back home from Texas because I just stuffed my face with a food from a fast food chain I abhor.

I will plan. I will focus. I will work out and I will eat right and I will kick these upcoming holiday's right in the ass. I turn 27 two days after Christmas and I will not let this next year be another one where I gain and lose weight over and over again.

In other news, the boy went to China for work, so now I'm a lonely newlywed. I miss him more than I usually do when he's gone; I guess it's the newness of the whole marriage thing. I'm trying to use this time to cook and work out and like I said, generally dive back in hardcore, but I just miss him. He's my support system, he's watched me do this about a million times and he's never negative about it. He's always rooting me on and I guess sometimes I don't realize how important it is to have that support behind me. The good news is, my sister is taking the plunge with me, so at least I have her to talk to about the whole weight loss thing while the boy is out of town. And you guys of course!

I'm doing this right now; I really am.