So as I mentioned, things have not been going well. And then today, I pretty much had the worst possible day in the world. Let me give you the background:
Work has been sucky. I've been working long hours and it has really been cutting into my sleep, workout, and grocery shopping time. That, coupled with all of the holiday nonsense, leads to a cranky, weight gaining Jeni. I've been bloated and feeling like shit but I can't seem to get it in check. Every day I think about it, and every day I try, but then something or another happens and I end up stuffing my face with shit. And then I end up feeling like shit.
Every day I make excuses and then every day I beat myself up and it's becoming a vicious cycle. I'm unhappy and I feel guilty and I'm not in a good place as far as my body is concerned. Mentally, I'm just fucked up when it comes to every decision I make. And I just don't want to worry about it anymore. But I have to, because I'm not at my goal weight, and if I'm not mindful, I will gain all of this weight back and then some.
So yeah, all that, and I'm feeling shitty. That's the basic background info. So last night I was at work late, and we had a big presentation in Boulder this morning, and my boss was unhappy and it wasn't really my fault but I was the only one there and she just needed someone to take it out on so I got the brunt of it. All I wanted to do was go home and crash.
Instead I had to go to a mediocre french restaurant with some friends for a birthday celebration. I wanted to eat well, and I tried, but I succumbed to some wine as soon as I got there because of my shitty day. And I just wanted some wine. I had bread, soup, and risotto (the vegetarian plate). Tons of carbs. But it was cheap and I didn't want to spend 25 bucks on some fish that wasn't really going to be good anyway.
Got home and went to bed feeling bloated and yucky, knowing I had to wake up in 6 hours to brave the coming onslaught of snow to drive to Boulder for a client presentation. The drive to Boulder wasn't that bad, the snow wasn't really coming down to much yet and we made it there rather quickly (for the record, it's regularly about an hour or so from my office in rush hour traffic).
Had the client presentation, it went well, I thought I sounded smart. I was tired, but I had one big presentation down and one to go. By this time it was around 11 or so and the snow had really started coming down. My colleagues and I were standing in the lobby chatting with the client, who's fairly new and we've just met, but getting ready to go scrape the car. I'm going to use fake names, but here's how the conversation went. Keep in mind there were about seven people standing here - five people on my team and two clients.
Joe: "I'm going to go scrape the car"
Jeni: "Sounds good, we'll be here" (in joking manner)
New client man: "Hey, that sounded kind of sexist" (trying to joke, team laughing nervously)
"Maybe we should let the man stay inside and make the pregnant lady go scrape the car." (Turns to Jeni) "You're pregnant, right?"
Jeni: (Stammering) Ugh, no, I guess my scarf just looks big under my coat
Team immediately disperses and says goodbye, goes to the car. Jeni bites her lip trying not to start crying.
Sarah quietly says to Jeni: "You don't look pregnant."
Jeni dies a little inside.
Car ride home from Boulder in what's been deemed the holiday blizzard of 2006 takes 3 hours. Five people squashed in a little car trying not to complain and just make it down freaking US 36 alive. Of course everyone nervously avoids what just happened. Jeni is depressed.
Meanwhile, we haven't eaten anything all day. Everyone talking about how hungry then are but Jeni is afraid to talk about food because she's so fucking fat she obviously looks pregnant.
Once we got back to the office, I got in my car and drove directly home (took an hour), at which point I proceeded to down some tortilla chips and salsa, a half a pint of Ben & J3rry's and some beer. And snap at loving husband even though he's just trying to make me feel better.
And that's why I had the worst day ever.
I love severe weather. I love blizzards. It's usually fun, right? But while other people's offices are closing tomorrow, I have to work from home and deal with a bunch of client crap and talk to people who have just witnessed one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
Anyway, I want to write about what I'm going to do. I want to write about my plans for 2007 and my goals and what I'm going to do and how I'm going to fix my fat pregnant belly. But right now I just want to cry. For fuck's sake I can't even pick which tense I want to write in, let alone write down some coherent goals.
Why do people have to be such assholes? I mean, I get that I'm sort of chubby still, and I don't try to act like I'm skinny. I don't wear inappropriate clothing and I don't draw attention to the area. I know my belly is a problem area, but I don't think it's disproportionate with the rest of my fat. Whatever. I'm not going to even think about it anymore. I'm just going to go to bed. I hate people.*
*Of course not you guys, but everyone else.