Thursday, May 31, 2007

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

So I'm leaving for Austin tomorrow to go see my dad - probably won't be around for a while. Unfortunately, my stomach seems to already think I'm on vacation. I can't even say what I had for dinner tonight.

Plan for tomorrow is to get up and go on a run, have some cereal and then hit lunch with a friend at work. Work is out of control right now and the stress level is high, so it's tempting to go out and self-medicate over lunch right now. I'm going to attempt to have something with lots of veggies I think.

Anyway, have a great weekend and wish me luck with my dad. I'll be back late Tuesday night, so I'll probably check in on Wednesday. Bye!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007


So I signed up for the half marathon. After a lot of talking with the boy about my motives and my wants and needs and my freaking innumerable neuroses, I signed up.

I swear to god I am freaking out, but I'm also completely at peace with my decision.

We'll see how it goes when training is starting in June and I'm really freaking out.

So after a fantastic Memorial Day Weekend with too much alcohol, we're getting ready to leave for Austin on Friday to see my dad. My parents divorced when I was six, and I haven't lived in the same state as my father since I was eight. Of course, he was great and made every effort to see my sister and I as much as possible. He did the best he could, which was actually really great, even though he had no idea what he was doing. He made us Frit0s and Ranch dressing for lunch. No wonder I gained some weight, eh?

So now my dad is battling Type II diabetes. He's probably pushing 300 lbs. And while I know my stepmom, who is a nurse, is doing everything she can to help him, I worry about him. So when I go to Austin on Friday, I'm going to do my best to set a good example.

But how do you set a good example for someone who IS your example? My dad taught me everything I know about loving food. Taking pleasure in a meal. Enjoying the process of going out to eat.

I know it's going to be hard, because inevitably I struggle when I'm on vacation, but I'm going to do everything I can to make this a healthy one. I'm going to run on Saturday morning. I'm going to eat cereal for breakfast and choose a salad at lunch. I'm going to eschew dessert most days, even when I really want it.

I'm going to do everything I can, because seeing my dad, at his weight, with his issues, makes me nervous. It makes me nervous not only for him, but for my sister and me as well. So I'm going to do my best, and I'm going to tell him I'm training for the half marathon. I can do this, right? I can set a good example.

Thursday, May 24, 2007


Thank you all so much for your encouragement about the marathon. I still haven't officially decided what I'm going to do, but I'm leaning toward the half. The main thing I'm worried about is the early Saturday morning runs. I just don't want to commit to something that I know I won't be able to handle. I don't know though; I'm still considering it.

So this morning I did the same 3 mile run I did on Monday, only today it seemed much harder. I think it was partly because I was still half asleep and hadn't eaten, and partly because I didn't have the boy with me pushing me along. I did keep basically the same pace I kept on Monday, but this time I had to take two minutes to walk about 20 minutes in. And my legs just felt like cement. I got it done though, and that's what counts.

I'm glad I got up and did it, because I had a really crappy night last night. I have this friend, well a friend of a friend. She's one of the thin, fit marathon runners and she's really intelligent and blah blah blah, but sometimes she just has zero tact. Last night she was discussing, with another one of my girlfriends, how her legs look like tree trunks, but at least she doesn't have any back fat. Right in front of me.

WTF? Am I invisible? I know you can see me. And you know I have WAY more back fat than you. So what is your problem? Are you completely insensitive? Do you not realize that your conversation about your tree trunk legs and your nonexistent back fat is making me completely uncomfortable, especially when they are actually the size of little twigs if you really think about it.

Now believe me, I am cognizant of those folks who truly have body issues. Who look in the mirror and see something completely different than what is truly there. I know a number of those people and I truly feel for those people. Shit, I'm one of those people.


This girl is NOT one of those people. She is just fishing for compliments. She just wants us to say, "Oh M, you aren't fat. Your legs are beautifully sculpted. You are gorgeous. Etc. Etc. Etc.

And honestly, it just hurts my feelings. It hurts because she knows I struggle. And she knows I have a hard time. Yet she makes comments like this in front of me anyway. I think she's just insecure. I know she's just insecure. But I'm insecure too dammit. And I don't need that from her right now. I don't know, maybe I'm just being a bitch. Maybe I should sit her down and talk to her about it. But she's kind of superficial. And I just don't know that she'd understand. Truly understand.

Yeah. So it's frustrating. And I think for right now, I'm just going to try to remove myself from situations where I might be around her. I think avoidance is just easier.

Tomorrow starts the long weekend, and I cannot wait. I am going to do an interval workout tomorrow morning, head to work and hopefully we'll be out by 3. Lunch is out with some coworkers, but I plan to choose a salad or a veggie burger or something along those lines. I'm doing okay. Each day is a struggle, but I'm doing okay.

Monday, May 21, 2007


I ran 3 miles today in 36 minutes. Without stopping. Ever since my boot camp I've been running on and off, a couple of times a week, but I've really been half assing it if I'm being honest with myself. Tonight was great though. My husband went with me and it was great to just have someone next to me, going at my pace. He hasn't run probably since our honeymoon, and all he ate was a banana today, but he kept right with me until then end. Men. How annoying.

Anyway, it was nice to have someone with me. So last night I was doing a little thinking, and while there is a lot about myself I don't understand (like why I'm so excited that a Long John Silvers just opened up down the street from my house) one thing I do understand is that I do well with specific time frames, with goals. That's why I liked boot camp so much, it was a set period of time, I knew when it was going to be over, and it kicked my ass.

I'm thinking I need something like that, but I'm not exactly sure what. One idea I'm entertaining is the Denver Marathon. This year is the second year of the marathon and it just so happens to fall on the date which will mark one year of marriage for the boy and I: October 14, 2007. Wouldn't running a marathon be a cool way to celebrate? Or a half marathon?

So yeah, right now I'm proud of myself for running three miles without dying. What makes me think I could run a marathon?

Honestly, I have no idea. I have some girlfriends who are hardcore runners and they're training for a marathon right now, and they are suffering. SUFFERING. And they each weigh like 120 lbs. And they've been running for years.

But I dunno, regular people do it all the time. Tons and tons of people have trained for marathons and survived. Even liked it. And my optimistic side says, I'm going to lose a ton of weight training for it. I have six months, and they even have a marathon training team with a pace group that goes at my level.

The training starts on June 23. There are shorter runs and training sessions on Thursdays at 6:00 p.m. and long runs on Saturday morning. At 7:00 a.m.

7:00. That's the hard part. 7:00 on a Saturday morning. I don't even get up for work until 7:00 on weekdays. And I'm going to be running at that time on weekends? For training runs all the way up to 20 miles? (Or 10 or 12 if I decide to do the half marathon).

I don't know. That sounds like a big commitment. But I'm 27 and it's only six months of my life and what an awesome accomplishment it would be. It's scary, even terrifying to think about.

I haven't decided if I'm going to do it or not. Part of me thinks I should just continue doing what I'm doing, or maybe try Turbulence Training, or do another boot camp or join another gym or sign up for a cycling race or do something else. But part of me thinks this would be the coolest thing I could do. What do you guys think?

Thursday, May 17, 2007


Argh! I know I don't really mention my job much here, but I'm in public relations, and right now I'm not exactly very happy with my current position. Long story, but I'm sort of digging around for positions in the area and tonight I had a phone interview with an outdoor gear company based in Boulder. It sounds super fun, relaxed and like they'd be really open to people wanting to take off during lunch and get in a workout, that sort of thing.

I don't think it went very well on the phone tonight, partly because I've done mostly tech stuff in my career and I don't have any outdoor gear experience, and partly because I was super nervous. Why? All I could think about was, what if they call me in for a second interview?

Then they'll see me. They'll see that I'm fat. And why would an outdoor gear company hire a fat girl. I mean, technically, they can't not hire me because of it, but I know it would be a questions. It would be an issue. Wouldn't it? Or am I just being paranoid. The boy thinks I'm being paranoid. What do you guys think? Is weight an issue when you're at work?

Monday, May 14, 2007


It's Monday and I never thought I'd say this, but I was actually kind of glad for this weekend to be over. It was just jam packed and I felt like I didn't get much time for myself. Between taking my little sister to a concert, my other sister's birthday and Mother's Day yesterdsay, I spent zero time at home and thus zero time preparing myself healthy meals. And I'll confess, I didn't always make the best choices when eating out.

Moving on though, I had a great day today and I'm feeling rejuvenated. For lunch, I tried Kashi's new Chicken Pasta Pomodoro. I wanted to like this so much. I really did. And it was okay. It just wasn't excellent. The nutritional stats are great, and it has less sodium than a lot of the frozen meals I typically eat, but it just didn't have the taste. I'm always sensitive to meat; I don't eat it all that often, and I rarely buy frozen meals that contain meat. Typically I stick to the pasta and bean dishes. But I thought I'd give this one a shot. And I guess I just reiterated why I don't typically buy frozen meals with meat - the chicken was a little chewy and really just not that appetizing. I guess I'll stick to my Lean Cuisines and add a salad with some nuts or cheese to get the extra veggies and protein. Oh well.

I went back down to the elementary school after work today and ran sprints and did some pushups, squats, etc while the boy shot hoops and the dogger ran around. We had a great time; it was so nice to spend that time together after work NOT sitting on the couch. Came home and had an easy turkey sandwich and some applesauce and now I'm just chilling getting ready to watch some bad reality TV (does anyone besides me still watch The Bachelor?)

P.S. Thanks for all of your great comments on the driver's license post. I am so jealous of everyone who doesn't have to post their weight! Lucky! I got my license in the mail today and I'm actually okay with the picture. Imagine that!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Driver's License Renewal

I went to get a new driver's license today with my new last name. I know, I know, I've been married six months. It's just taking me a while to give up my last name. I know a lot of people have very strong feelings on taking your husband's last name when you get married, but I know it's the right decision for me. Anyway, it just took me a long time. The last name is really neither here nor there.

What was there was my weight. After waiting for two hours, I wanted nothing more than to just get the task over with and get the hell out of there, go home and make some dinner. As soon as I handed over my documentation and told the woman why I was there, the questions started flying, as if she was some kind of robot.

Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Hazel
Height: 5'6
Weight: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

The newly 16 year-old boy next to me turned to look.

And out of my mouth, popped 165.

Yes, I said 165. And I'm admitting here that I lied. I really lied. I do not weigh 165. I weigh around 188 right now. But in that split second, all I could think was, yeah, I weigh what I weigh today, but I won't weigh that forever. Hell, it was only last October that I was weighing 170, and that's only 5 lbs more than what my brand new driver's license will say.

So the new license will come in the mail in the next two weeks. Maybe I can lose 23 lbs by then? I know, I know, I can't. But I plan to have this license for a long time, and hopefully the next time I have to renew, I'll be able to lower the weight even more. Maybe I'm delusional, but I prefer to think of it as optimistic.

So do you think I'm a bad person? What does your license say? (Or other legal documentation, if you have it?)

Monday, May 07, 2007

Back, Sort of

Ack! Okay so I've had my breakdown and I've decided that all the planning in the world isn't going to make this better. Okay it might make it better, but it's not going to fix it, and it's not going to make me happy. So I'm just taking it one day at a time and I'm going to do whatever I can do. I'm strangely missing boot camp right now. I think I liked having that hardcore workout. It made me feel useful or something.

I've been trying to cook more often with my husband, and even if it isn't completely 100% healthy and fabulous, at least I'm cooking and getting away from eating out. I figure if I can hone my cooking skills at least a little, eventually I'll be able to make some more sophisticated recipes that are a tad bit healthier. Tonight for instance, we had angel hair pasta with marinara. So white flour pasta, not so great. But, in the long run, probably a lot better than the bean burrito at the shady Mexican joint down the block that I was craving.

I saw myself in a picture this weekend. It was awful. I mean, slightly devestating. But at this point, it's kind of sad that I've basically resigned myself to knowing that I look like a big lard ass in pictures. I mean, there was once a point in time that I would have stolen my friend's digital camera and endeavored to delete anything even remotely unflattering. But now, I kind of just don't give crap. I know I'm going to look fat, and I do, and I'm not even trying to do anything about it. Kind of sounds like a microcosm of my entire life right now, doesn't it?

Eh. Also, my lips are itching like crazy now, and I'm hoping they're just chapped, but I'm terrified the impetigo I had a couple of months ago is coming back. I will not be a happy camper if that happens again.

Friday, May 04, 2007

I might be miserable. I’m worried about my weight. My heart. My hormones. How many antioxidants I’m eating. Am I getting enough calcium? Fiber? Protein?

I worry and I ponder and I fret and I make plans, plans in my head. Then I forget and I eat a whole bag of tortilla chips. And some margaritas. And some ice cream and some macaroons and some wine and some trail mix.

And then I eat a veggie sandwich. And I like it. And I think... maybe.

I work out and I join boot camp and I kick ass. I do pushups and situps and mountain climbers. I run.

And then I sit on my ass. I slump in front of the computer. I read weight loss blogs. I think about doing something. I plan. I plan in my head. But I sit.

I think about being the kind of person who eats only organic. Vegan. No hormones. No sugar. No dairy. Nothing fried. Only complex carbohydrates. Virtuous.

Then I eat some nachos.

I am conflicted. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I'm confused.