Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Home Alone

The boy is out of town AGAIN this week. Damn travel. But it's kind of nice to be home alone. I miss him of course, but I also miss the solace of living alone sometimes. Just me and the dogger chillin out.

In fact, sometimes I think if I just completely cut myself off from society I could lose all of this weight in no time. I know, I'd go crazy and probably chew my arm off just for something to do, but if I didn't have to deal with the pressures of society, with going out to dinner and having work lunches and all of that nonsense, it seems like it would all be so easy. If I got to go live on a ranch and have Bob the trainer kick my butt every day ala biggest loser, would I be able to do this?

It seems like a no brainer, right? Of course I'd be able to do it. But if I think about it, I mean really think about it, I'm not sure. If I had 0prah's personal trainer and personal chef and all the time and money in the world, I still don't think it would be that much easier. Because its not just about doing the things I need to do. Eating right and working out. It's about releasing myself from the mental chain that bind me to food. It's about learning how to cope with difficult days without diving into a vat of ice cream. It's really about changing my mentality completely.

I'm working on that. In the past a night home alone without the boy might have meant cracking open a bottle of wine and chowing on a pizza. Tonight I went to the gym, came home and had a mini-meal of an English Muffin with peanut butter and honey and some pineapple. I didn't need a big dinner. Yes it wasn't perfect, it could have used some vegetables, but it's a great post-workout snack. And that's all I need.

I know all of my recent posts are waxing poetic about the mental struggle I'm having with weight loss, but it's honestly helping me stay on track to write about these things. I didn't lose this week, but I'm sure I'm going to lose next week. I'm focused, motivated, and above all I'm truly happy with my life right now. This should be my time. And it will be my time. I really think I can do this!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

A Part of Me

Ha, the 9:30 bedtime is SO not happening this week. Who am I kidding? I just can't do it. It's 9:20 right now and I'm just not ready. I think part of it is that I don't get home from the gym until around 7:30 on most nights, and two hours just isn't enough time for me to wind down and eat dinner and read blogs and write a post and take the dogger on a walk and do all of the things I want to do. Damn work. If I didn't have to go then I wouldn't have to worry about all of this.

I had a long conversation tonight with my sister about food and weight loss and working out and how hard and long and trying and sucky it all is. The boy and I are thinking about having the wedding in November. Or maybe even September. If we have it toward the end of September, that gives us seven months to lose weight. (My sister will be my maid of honor, she's also about 50 lbs overweight).

Seven months seems like nothing. I read bloggers out there, and I know they've lost a ton of weight during seven months, or even six months or less than that, but I think back over my past seven months and the seven months before that and before that, and I haven't really lost a bit. I've been trying; I've even been ocassionally obsessed. But for some reaosn nothing has ever clicked for me. This is the year I want it to click. I want to look back at my wedding photos and smile, not cringe. I want to wear a cute dress to the wedding shower. I am vain dammit. I want to look HOT in a bikini on my honeymoon.

Sometimes I just feel so dejected about it all, like it's never going to happen. Then I get pissed, and I think I shouldn't have ever gotten this way in the first place. Then I think I carry my weight well. I'm in a US size 14. Some days I think thats okay. Some days I think I'm a giant cow and I should be ashamed of myself. Some days I think my body is strong and powerful. Some days I think it's soft and flabby (not to mention pale).

So what am I going to do about all of this? I'm going to keep pushing and really try to lose this weight before my wedding. I'm going to keep working out and try to complete a triathlon. I'm going to keep thinking about it and writing about it and reading about it and I'm going to accept this is going to be part of my life forever. This battle has become part of who I am. It by no means defines me. And sometimes its awesome. And sometimes it sucks. But it is a part of me.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


Leftover minestrone soup for dinner for the third night in a row. Wow. I actually am still enjoying it too. I think it has too many carbs though. I need more protein. I've been tracking my calories and what not and I definitely haven't been getting enough. Such is life. I just don't enjoy meat all that much. I was a vegetarian for a while. I still don't eat red meat. But I definitely need the protein, so I'll keep trying to force it down.

I know I can eat beans, and tofu, and soy, and I do eat all of that, I promise. But sometimes those things get old. It's funny, I always tell the boy that hamburgers on TV look so good, but I would never in a million years eat one. If I was presented with a hamburger right in front of my face, I would probably gag. My office is above a restaurant and sometimes I can literally smell the charred flesh. How's that for a mental picture?

So I'm not getting enough protein, but I am doing okay in other areas. I went to the gym tonight and took a spinning class and lifted weights, for a total of 1 hour and 45 minutes at the gym. Hardcore! The trainer has me on a new cardio schedule because he wants me to do the triathlon. Maybe I already told you guys that. I don't know. It's six days a week though, with only Sunday to rest. Daaaaaauuuuuuummmm! If I don't lose weight with this schedule I swear to god I'm going to kick someone in the face. And it might be Ronald McDonald.

I'm supposed to do a 30 min run tomorrow at 70% max heart rate, which I think is around 134 for me. Oh yeah, like I can actually run and keep my heart rate that low. It'll more likely be a fast walk/jog occasionally. If I actually start running my heart rate will skyrocket. But that's the whole point of this I guess. I'm building my cardio base right now so that in the future I'll be able to run faster with less exertion.

On Thursday I'll attempt to get back in the pool. The trainer said I only have to do 12 minutes to start, so that should be easy enough. It's when I get in for long periods of time that will suck the big one. Yick.

Also, I forgot to mention that I ran into the trainer on Friday night out at the karaoke bar. I may or may not have had about 5 or so beers by that point and was fairly drunk. Oopsie. Oh well, I'm human and I'm sure he knows that. He knows it for sure now. :P I'm off to watch the Olympics now and attempt my 9:30 bedtime.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Minestrone Soup

I made the most awesome, healthy dinner tonight. Can you believe it? I actually cooked! A friend of mine gave me a minestrone soup recipe, sans actual measurements of course, and I figured it out and actually made it. Delicious.

First, saute celery, onion, carrot, and garlic.
Next, add squash, zucchini, and potato.
Blend 1/2 cup white beans with 1/2 cup vegetable stock.
Add blended mixture with the rest of a box of vegetable stock, a can of kidney beans and a can of white beans.
Watch the yummy flavors blend.
Finally, add 1/2 cup of orzo and a sprig of rosemary and cook until orzo is al dente.
Serve with a piece of garlic bread and a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese on top.

So yummy, filling, and healthy. Too bad I can't say that for the rest of my meals this weekend. I just can't seem to get my motivation back. You think I'd be all about losing this weight now that I'm getting married in less than nine short months, but I'm not. Dammit! I was really hoping this would be the catalyst I needed. I'm still pushing through and doing okay, but not great. Feh.

At least the soup was good!

Thursday, February 16, 2006


I haven't been getting much of it over the past couple of weeks due to all of the excitement going on in my life. I've always been one of those people that could sleep 9 or 10 hours a night if my life would let me. I don't know if it has to do with being overweight or what, but I just love a really good night's sleep. When I didn't have a job this past summer, I would go to bed around 12:30 and just wake up naturally around 9:30 or 10. It was so great. I felt so good during that time.

Nowadays I probably get about seven hours a night, with maybe 9 or 10 on weekends if I don' t go out. I'm tired a lot, and I think I complain about it a lot. I know I complain about it a lot. I know seven hours probably sounds like enough to some people, but it just isn't for me right now. I have no idea what I'll do when I have a kid (not happening anytime soon mind you). People say you get used to it, but I just can't imagine waking up every 2 hours.

I've read that sleep is essential to weight loss. Your body needs that time to get out all of the toxins and repair muscles and do all of that good stuff. And if you don't get enough sleep, your body can't do its job. So is it possible that I'd be losing more quickly if I was sleeping more? Or is this just wishful thinking and me trying to make excuses? I don't know. I do know that its very unlikely I'll go to bed earlier than 11 on any given work night. Which means I end up with about seven hours.

Is it possible that sleep is the magic ingredient? Would I be happier if I slept more? I'm going to do an experiment next week and find out. I'll try to go to bed by 9:30 every night and see what happens. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


It's Valentine's Day, and I'm sitting home alone eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, so maybe now would be a good time to tell you about the big proposal! The boy had to go to San Francisco today on business, so I'm home by myself, but I'm okay with it, because I get to look at my ring!

So Wednesday night, I went to spinning, got home and dinner was on the table. Grey sole with orzo, grilled asparagus, and wine. Delicious. He cooks sometimes, so I didn't think it was strange, but it did look beautiful. Anyway, long story short, we had a great dinner but I thought it was just dinner. I got up to take a dish to the sink, and he sort or ran around the table, pushed me back down in my chair, got down on one knee, and proposed! It was so romantic. I'm so happy I cannot even tell you right now!

We went to D.C. for a whirlwind weekend of celebrating and I ate waaaaaaay too much but I'm okay with it for now. I weighed in yesterday up two pounds, but I'm not going to claim it because I think its just carb bloat, etc.

So now comes the hard part. It is possible we might try to do this in November, which means I have nine months to get to goal.

Nine months.


When I've been trying to do this my entire life, I'm now going to attempt it in nine months?

Yes. But there's one caveat. Well maybe a couple. I will not treat myself poorly, and I will not have negative thoughts, even if I don't lose one more pound. I am happy and in love and I know the boy loves me just the way I am. I want to do this for me. But I can see my life now. And it's going to be great no matter what.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Be Back Soon!

You guys, I'm engaged! I don't have much time, but I just wanted to let you know that things are a whirlwhind right now, and I'm headed back to D.C. today to see some friends for the weekend and celebrate with the boy! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it! Time to get in fighting shape!!!

I'll be back soon, sometime next week. Until then, have a great weekend!

Monday, February 06, 2006

Figuring it Out

Maintained this week. Still at 187.5. Eh. I guess at least it isn't a gain. So that's good. But you know I like to see that movement. I guess I'm about five weeks in, so maybe that's about the time my body is trying to re-calibrate or something. Also, time of the month intervenes. Or maybe I just effed up this week with food.

I absolutely bought a carton of B&J chocolate fudge brownie frozen yogurt and found myself running to the freezer three days in a row to eat out of the carton. Not a good situation. But I learned something, I'm not ready for just a little frozen yogurt, and so I threw the carton out with at least a serving left. I think I'm not ready for any sugar at all. I've been avoiding it for the past five weeks, and I'm going to stick to that. It's obviously been working for me up to this point, so I may as well continue. I can still have one "bad" day or day with dessert, etc., but that doesn't mean having a fake dessert every single day.

I am still rocking it on the working out front. Even so, I've been thinking a lot about the goal I set this year of doing a sprint triathlon, and I'm not sure I'm going to be ready for it. I fear I got caught up in something a lot of bloggers and a lot of my friends are doing, but I'm not sure I'm committed to it and ready for it. Maybe by the time the summer rolls around I will be, but for right now I want to focus on losing this weight rather than full-on training for a sporting event. I'm still tinkering with it, but I'm not sure.

In the mean time, I did go to spinning tonight and it felt great! I haven't been to this instructor before and she kicks ass! She is in awesome shape, I mean to-die-for shape, and she pushed it like I have never seen. And she made me push it too and it felt great. I can't wait to get back outside and get back on the bike. I guess its the running and swimming part of the triathlon that I'm just not sure I'm going to be ready for. I haven't been swimming in a month or so, and I just can't get excited about getting back in the pool. I'm too focused on completing my weight routines and getting cardio in on the treadmill, elliptical, and bike.

So I guess I'm just not really sure what I'm wanting to do about it all. I'm sure this post is completely random because I'm just blathering on about it all. I do want to achieve all of the goals I set out for myself. But some goals take priority. And right now I guess the weight loss has got to take priority. If I've lost enough weight by April or so, maybe I'll work on on the triathlon thing. If not, maybe I'll postpone the triathlon until next year.

Saturday, February 04, 2006


Hey people. Sorry I haven't been around much. I've been kind of down. I weighed in with the trainer on Tuesday, and according to him it had taken me 5 weeks to lose .75 inches on my waist, .75 from my hips, and nothing from my arms and legs. I was seriously bummed. I've been working out so much. And trying so hard with food. I don't know what it is, but I guess things just aren't clicking inside my body.

And to top it off, this week hasn't been that great with food. It's that time of the month, and I'm hungry and lacking willpower. I've had three diet sodas in the past two days. I've had two tootsie rolls, and some Ben and Jerry's. It was frozen yogurt, but still. This is not in the plan. And if I start letting these little things sneak their way back into my diet, I'm setting myself up for failure. So I'm trying to get re-focused, but I'm just down and blah about it all. I guess I'm just pre-occupied with some other things right now.