Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy New Year's Eve!

Happy New Year's Eve! I hope you all have very fun plans tonight. We're going to a party at a friend's house, should be a nice last hurrah for the year.

I've been thinking about goals and what not this morning. I've spent about an a hour and a half so far just writing and planning and thinking about what I really need and want from 2007. I've decided to keep all of that stuff private for right now, not because I don't want to you guys to see it all, but because I just need to keep it close to my heart. I need it to be just for me in order to really make it work.

One thing I will say here though, and it's something I've written about before, is that I really need to not center my life so much around what I weigh, what I've eaten on any given day, and whether or not I've been to the gym. Those are all important things of course and will be important in my life moving forward, but right now I think I'm letting it control my moods a little too much.

Don't get me wrong, I am still blogging and I still plan to kick 2007 in the ass as far as fitness is concerned, but I have to find a way to calm down all of this internal dialogue that is constantly in my head. I don't know how I'm going to do that yet, but it's something I'm really going to work on for 2007.

Anyway, I hope you all had a fantastic 2006 and are looking forward to an even more fantastic 2007. I know I did, and I am! See you in the new year!

Thursday, December 28, 2006


Hi all. So I took Jodi's suggestion and made a few changes to my blog. It's different, but I like it. I also updated links - so if I put you on and you'd like to be removed or I missed someone, please let me know.

Looks like it's blizzard number 2 here in Denver, so we're getting all tucked in for the weekend. Okay it's probably not going to be a blizzard, but we're expecting at least a foot by morning and it's going to keep going after that. Wow.

I'll leave you all with a few pics from the festivities from the first blizzard last week. Please excuse my hat hair and lack of makeup. It was a blizzard - I was in my pajamas all day!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006


So Christmas. It was good. It was fantastic. I love my family so much. And my husband. So so much.

Unfortunately, I have not been on the wagon and I hate to say it, but it's just another year of me falling on my face during the holiday season. I do not handle it well. I love Christmas, but the stress this time of year brings, coupled with darkness, and this year the blizzard and the incident (see last post), just does me in. I have a million excuses, but the bottom line is I've fucked it up in the weight loss department. Again. Meh.

The first official married Christmas with the boy was amazing. It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtful and caring he can be. He really just wants me to be happy, which I love. And I know its hard for him to see me wallowing in self-pity and despair like I have been the past couple of weeks. So tomorrow is my birthday, and the boy is off buying himself a new video game console, so I'm thinking this is probably a good time for me to do some thinking about what exactly I'm looking for in my 27th year.

I think part of the reason I'm in a funk right now is because I am all out of big events to look forward to. 2006 was an incredible year for me, and I'll probably do a recap post in a couple of days, but to sum it up, I got engaged, I got bought my first home, I got married and I made a ton of progress on myself both mentally and physically. The fact that all those things have already happened though, means I'm sort of left without anything to anticipate. Of course I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I don't have that one defining event that I"m working toward the way I sort of did with my wedding. I mean don't get me wrong, my whole life is not about being a wife, but the wedding was just something I could set my sights on. And then I had Christmas, and my birthday. But now those things will be over too and the thought of having to get back to work and just live my boring life kind of makes me sad. It's really silly too, because I have an awesome life. I have a great husband that loves me and a cool little dogger and a fairly decent job that I enjoy for the most part.

Something just seems missing though, and I think that something is me finally coming to peace with my mental issues around food and exercise and my body. So in my 27th year, that's what I really want to do. And I don't want to hinge that on losing weight. Because I know that even if I do lose every single ounce I want to lose and hit my goal weight and look fabulous and am running marathons every damn day, I'm not going to be happy unless I make peace with my body image issues.

Unfortunately days like last week don't help. And days like today, where I went to Nordy's to try on some hot little jeans that I could barely get up over my big ass don't help either. So I think it's finding a happy medium. I think it's being mindful of the food I put in my mouth. It's realizing that I do want to lose some weight and I will have to make a few sacrifices (alcohol and dessert just to name a few). It's also realizing that if I slip up, or have bad days once in a while, that's going to be okay. Just as long as I don't let it get out of control the way I have this past couple of weeks. And as long as I don't let my relationship with food effect every single other aspect of my life. I need NOT to be thinking about what my next meal will be every minute, and whether it will be a healthy or an unhealthy choice, and how what I eat will effect the rest of my day.

I know it takes a lot of practice and a lot of dedication and hard work, but I want this year to be the year it really becomes a habit. The year eating right just comes naturally and I don't have to worry about it so much. I have about 30 lbs to go before I hit my goal weight. Honestly, that isn't that much. I want this year to be the year I get there. I want to spend my 28th birthday eve thinking about what ELSE I'm going to do instead of what I should have done. Like I said, I've achieved a lot this year, but I'm not there yet.

I guess my blog title still applies. I'm still becoming my future me. In fact, I probably always will be.

Right now I need to think about what it's going to take to get me through the rest of December. Tomorrow is my birthday. I plan to go to the gym in the morning to start the morning off right. I have a lunch out with the girls, and then happy hour with a friend who's in town, then dinner reservations with the boy and my sister and her boyfriend, but the restaurant is a surprise. I will make good choices at both restaurants, but I will be indulging a bit I'm sure and having some alcohol to boot.

After my birthday and the New Year's celebrations have come and gone, I'll start a new program, along with millions of other folks. This will be the same program I've been on, but it will just be a kick start for me to get into the new year. It will include lots of vegetables and working out and other things too. I'll write about it more once it commences. In the meantime, I'm going to try to enjoy my b-day tomorrow and get out of this stupid funk. Hope you all had an excellent holiday.


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

My Blizzard Day

So as I mentioned, things have not been going well. And then today, I pretty much had the worst possible day in the world. Let me give you the background:

Work has been sucky. I've been working long hours and it has really been cutting into my sleep, workout, and grocery shopping time. That, coupled with all of the holiday nonsense, leads to a cranky, weight gaining Jeni. I've been bloated and feeling like shit but I can't seem to get it in check. Every day I think about it, and every day I try, but then something or another happens and I end up stuffing my face with shit. And then I end up feeling like shit.

Every day I make excuses and then every day I beat myself up and it's becoming a vicious cycle. I'm unhappy and I feel guilty and I'm not in a good place as far as my body is concerned. Mentally, I'm just fucked up when it comes to every decision I make. And I just don't want to worry about it anymore. But I have to, because I'm not at my goal weight, and if I'm not mindful, I will gain all of this weight back and then some.

So yeah, all that, and I'm feeling shitty. That's the basic background info. So last night I was at work late, and we had a big presentation in Boulder this morning, and my boss was unhappy and it wasn't really my fault but I was the only one there and she just needed someone to take it out on so I got the brunt of it. All I wanted to do was go home and crash.

Instead I had to go to a mediocre french restaurant with some friends for a birthday celebration. I wanted to eat well, and I tried, but I succumbed to some wine as soon as I got there because of my shitty day. And I just wanted some wine. I had bread, soup, and risotto (the vegetarian plate). Tons of carbs. But it was cheap and I didn't want to spend 25 bucks on some fish that wasn't really going to be good anyway.

Got home and went to bed feeling bloated and yucky, knowing I had to wake up in 6 hours to brave the coming onslaught of snow to drive to Boulder for a client presentation. The drive to Boulder wasn't that bad, the snow wasn't really coming down to much yet and we made it there rather quickly (for the record, it's regularly about an hour or so from my office in rush hour traffic).

Had the client presentation, it went well, I thought I sounded smart. I was tired, but I had one big presentation down and one to go. By this time it was around 11 or so and the snow had really started coming down. My colleagues and I were standing in the lobby chatting with the client, who's fairly new and we've just met, but getting ready to go scrape the car. I'm going to use fake names, but here's how the conversation went. Keep in mind there were about seven people standing here - five people on my team and two clients.

Joe: "I'm going to go scrape the car"
Jeni: "Sounds good, we'll be here" (in joking manner)
New client man: "Hey, that sounded kind of sexist" (trying to joke, team laughing nervously)
"Maybe we should let the man stay inside and make the pregnant lady go scrape the car." (Turns to Jeni) "You're pregnant, right?"
Jeni: (Stammering) Ugh, no, I guess my scarf just looks big under my coat
Team immediately disperses and says goodbye, goes to the car. Jeni bites her lip trying not to start crying.
Sarah quietly says to Jeni: "You don't look pregnant."
Jeni dies a little inside.

Car ride home from Boulder in what's been deemed the holiday blizzard of 2006 takes 3 hours. Five people squashed in a little car trying not to complain and just make it down freaking US 36 alive. Of course everyone nervously avoids what just happened. Jeni is depressed.

Meanwhile, we haven't eaten anything all day. Everyone talking about how hungry then are but Jeni is afraid to talk about food because she's so fucking fat she obviously looks pregnant.

Once we got back to the office, I got in my car and drove directly home (took an hour), at which point I proceeded to down some tortilla chips and salsa, a half a pint of Ben & J3rry's and some beer. And snap at loving husband even though he's just trying to make me feel better.

And that's why I had the worst day ever.

I love severe weather. I love blizzards. It's usually fun, right? But while other people's offices are closing tomorrow, I have to work from home and deal with a bunch of client crap and talk to people who have just witnessed one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Anyway, I want to write about what I'm going to do. I want to write about my plans for 2007 and my goals and what I'm going to do and how I'm going to fix my fat pregnant belly. But right now I just want to cry. For fuck's sake I can't even pick which tense I want to write in, let alone write down some coherent goals.

Why do people have to be such assholes? I mean, I get that I'm sort of chubby still, and I don't try to act like I'm skinny. I don't wear inappropriate clothing and I don't draw attention to the area. I know my belly is a problem area, but I don't think it's disproportionate with the rest of my fat. Whatever. I'm not going to even think about it anymore. I'm just going to go to bed. I hate people.*

*Of course not you guys, but everyone else.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


So things aren't great right now. I'm holding steady around 174ish but my workouts are nill, I'm completely unmotivated and stressed and having a hard time dealing with the holiday season. I'll try to post more this weekend, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive. Barely.

Saturday, December 02, 2006


Saturday afternoon and I'm wasting it by sitting here watching Jurassic Park 3. Probably one of the worst movies of all time. I could be watching a variety of Oscar-worthy films but instead I'm watching this. And I'm completely enthralled. I just can't stop. In fact I can barely write this post because my eyes are glued to the TV.

It makes me wonder, if I was trapped on an island being chased by dinosaurs that were probably smarter than I was, would I be able to survive? I'd have to do a lot of running, and climbing up trees and finding caves to hide in. I'd have to swim across rivers and there would be no hot shower waiting for me when I was through.

I'm probably not in good enough shape yet to survive being chased by dinosaurs. Well the raptors at least. I bet I could outrun a brontosaurus though. At least that's something.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


First, I'm not even going to discuss Thanksgiving. It wasn't good. I'll leave it at that. Why do I use family time as an excuse to stuff my face? I suck. Moving on.

Anne and Jodi both did this on their blogs today and I thought I'd follow suit. Here are the answers to a few questions about why I'm losing weight.

1. Why are you trying to lose weight?

Wow. I could go on and on. But mostly because I want to be at a healthy weight - a weight where I'm not worried about getting Type II diabetes and a weight where I feel comfortable in my own skin. A weight where I can run and be active and not have to worry about what all the extra poundage is doing to my joints. And, if we're being honest here, so I can buy ridiculously expensive jeans and look hot in them.

2. Do you have a reward for yourself once you reach goal?

I've tried the rewards thing before - a manicure for ten pounds, etc. - but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I know I'll go shoppping when I hit my goal, and maybe I should think about doing something a little more serious, but for right now I don't have a specific reward in mind. It's sad to say, but sometimes my goal seems so far off that I can't even imagine what I'd want as a reward when I finally get there. I know I should think positively about it though. Maybe I should do like a trip to a spa or something, a really fancy one, as a reward. I guess I'll have to think about that one a little more.

3. What food do you wish had zero calories and zero fat?

OMG a lot of stuff, but mostly ice cream. I love ice cream and could seriously eat it ever day. Mmmmm......

4. As you lose weight, what do you find yourself enjoying more?

I'd have to agree with the other bloggers out there that I love shopping. I always hated it when the only place I could shop was LB or other big girl shops. It was so discouraging to go into the regular shops and just look at clothes, and maybe try on an XL shirt in one of them only to have it be too tight. Ugh. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I still can't buy clothes everywhere, but I'm getting closer.

As far as other things I find myself enjoying more - going out with friends is definitely one. Denver is a decent sized city, but I can be sure that if I go out downtown with friends on a Saturday night I'll see either someone from high school or college. Sometimes that's great, but sometimes it's mortifying. It's getting better though.

5. What's your new favorite low fat food/treat?

I don't know that they are low fat specifically, but I have a few staples when it comes to being on plan. And by on plan I mean eating right, working out and in losing mode. My favorites include wheat bread with peanut butter, spinach salads and salmon. As far as treats go, I'm a big fan of small bites of the good stuff rather than eating a bunch of fake crap. It just never satisfies me and I always end up eating more than I should.

Okay that's it for now I guess. It's snowing here and the boy is stuck in traffic, so I'm in for a dinner of scrambled eggs and chopped bell peppers by myself. I'm so gourmet. Have a good one!

Monday, November 20, 2006


Feh. Up a half pound from last week. I guess I should have known that the seven pound loss wouldn't have lasted. I'm just glad I'm only up a half a pound this week instead of more. I'm still mostly on track, although I had a little too much wine over the weekend and that's probably what led to the gain. It's weird how disappointing it is though. Like I knew it was coming, but it still sucks. When you try so hard, you expect to be skinny all the sudden. Right away dammit!

Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and the foodfest sort of terrifies me and excites me at the same time. We're headed to Texas to see my dad and the roadtrip always always means lots of fast food and crap. I haven't figured out what my plan is yet. I probably should have a plan but I don't.

Work is blah. Monday blues I guess. Trying to keep trying.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Fat and Salt and Sugar

I want a big fat burrito with cheese and sour cream. And then some ice cream for desert. Argh! Really I'm just trying out beta. But I also just wanted to complain for a minute. It's weird, even when I have an awesome weigh-in, or maybe especially when I have an awesome weigh-in, I just can't wait to go and fuck it all up. I am CRAVING Mexican food big time. It's killing me. Maybe I just haven't been getting enough fat.

I'm not even going to attempt to make a low fat version of what I really want, because I know that just won't do. Instead I'm making a baked potato with broccoli and I'm going to mix up some cottage cheese in the magic bullet until it's all smooth and put that on the top. Now I know that may sound fairly disgusting to you all, but I'm just going to have to do it. It's got fiber, protein and a little fat, and I think it will satiate me. I know it will.

But God, sometimes food isn't just about being satiated. I've been doing great lately, but I'm missing the social fun of food. And the solace I find in food. The comfort of dialing P1zza Hut. The joy of cracking open a bottle of wine and having that and a bag of popcorn for dinner and that's it. I know I wouldn't enjoy how I'd feel afterward, and I'd never resort to it, but I miss it sometimes. Guess we can't be perfect all the time eh. It's going to take a while, maybe forever, to retrain this brain of mine. Luckily I've got nothing but time.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


So - just to clarify, yes I did lose seven pounds this week, but I know most of that was bloat and water weight, so I'm not expecting any miracles next week.

Anywho, I'm watching this documentary on HB0 called Th1n. It follows four women at an eating disorder clinic in Florida and it is incredible to watch. It's strange for me how fascinated I am with eating disorders. I'm overweight, and at times slightly obsessive about my weight, but I've never had a full blown eating disorder and I certainly don't plan to. But I'm still a woman who has serious issues with food, and I guess I can relate to a certain extent.

Food is such a powerful thing. It's amazing the control it can have over people. It can be as bad or worse than any drug out there. In my humble opinion.

Anyway, I don't have a point here, but you should watch it if you get a chance.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Yippee! I'm back down to 172. 8 days of clean eating, and I mean seriously clean eating, has its rewards. Seven pounds to be exact. Wow. I could not be happier with this. And I finally hit the gym really hard tonight and burned some calories. My stamina still leaves something to be desired, but I'll get it back. I get it back and I'll do even better.

Before the wedding, I was running a 5K in about 37 minutes, or about a 12 minute mile. Today it took me 42 minutes because I had to stop and walk about four times. I'm okay with that though. It could have been worse.

I'm doing great now, but we'll see what happens when the boy gets home in a couple of days. The real test will be the trip to see my dad for Thanksgiving, a holiday I'm not exactly sure what to think about. I've mentioned trips to see my dad before. Usually they are filled with food, but this time I'm really going to try to nip that in the bud. That's probably a whole nother post for another time though.

So this past week has been great, and even though I hate Mondays, I feel pretty good about stuff right now. Had an awesome dinner of roasted chicken, sauteed zucchini and bell peppers and brown rice after a kick butt workout. Now I'm all settled in on my couch to read blogs and watch Heros and chillax for an hour or two before bed. Have a great night!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

All By Myself

Sing it to the tune of the sappy love song people. And if you don't know the song, then consider yourself lucky. So my husband, aka the boy, has been in China for a week now. And I've taken that week to get back on track eating wise. Quite fabulously I might add. As I mentioned previously, I'm changing my official weigh-in day to Monday's, but I'm confident I will be very happy with my progress via the scale tomorrow. Workouts aren't exactly back on track yet, but I'm working on it. It will come in time.

It's interesting to me how self-centered I become when I'm in the groove of losing weight. I've heard lots of talk about how women are too worried about everyone else's happiness and we never take time to worry about our own happiness. And if you want to lose weight and get healthy and fit, you have to worry about yourself. You have to say no to favors and decline social invitations and sometimes you have to do things that make people feel uncomfortable.

I've almost been lucky that the boy has been out of town this week, because it's given me a chance to really focus on myself without having to worry about anything else. This weekend has been all about planning and cooking and shopping and I know that probably wouldn't have been the case had he been here. Believe me, I would rather cuddle on the couch with him and a glass of wine than make yet another chicken salad with water as my beverage of choice, but that's not quite as healthy of an option now is it?

Where I really feel the "making other people happy" is not with the boy, because he's so awesome and supportive no matter what I do, but when I'm out in social situations. For the most part I'm a pretty fun gal. I like to go out and have a good time and when I'm out I like to make sure everyone else is having a good time too. But when I'm in the weight loss groove so to be speak, I can't be as worried about whether or not everyone else is having a good time. I am not going to get wasted with you just because you need to let loose. I'm not going to stay up until 2 and sacrifice hours of precious sleep to make sure your party keeps going. I just can't. And I know that sounds selfish and bitchy, but I just need to put myself first right now.

I need to put myself first on Thanksgiving day, at my office Christmas party, and during every single holiday event that happens this year. I need to put myself first, and believe me, you won't even remember that I didn't eat your sugar cookies in a couple of weeks. So please, just let me put myself first. Just for a little while.

P.S. Thanks for the comments about my weight loss jealousy. You guys were right. I talked to her and complimented her and I think we ended up striking up a little weight loss friendship. Nice!

All By Myself

Sing it to the tune of the sappy love song people. And if you don't know the song, then consider yourself lucky. So my husband, aka the boy, has been in China for a week now. And I've taken that week to get back on track eating wise. Quite fabulously I might add. As I mentioned previously, I'm changing my official weigh-in day to Monday's, but I'm confident I will be very happy with my progress via the scale tomorrow. Workouts aren't exactly back on track yet, but I'm working on it. It will come in time.

It's interesting to me how self-centered I become when I'm in the groove of losing weight. I've heard lots of talk about how women are too worried about everyone else's happiness and we never take time to worry about our own happiness. And if you want to lose weight and get healthy and fit, you have to worry about yourself. You have to say no to favors and decline social invitations and sometimes you have to do things that make people feel uncomfortable.

I've almost been lucky that the boy has been out of town this week, because it's given me a chance to really focus on myself without having to worry about anything else. This weekend has been all about planning and cooking and shopping and I know that probably wouldn't have been the case had he been here. Believe me, I would rather cuddle on the couch with him and a glass of wine than make yet another chicken salad with water as my beverage of choice, but that's not quite as healthy of an option now is it?

Where I really feel the "making other people happy" is not with the boy, because he's so awesome and supportive no matter what I do, but when I'm out in social situations. For the most part I'm a pretty fun gal. I like to go out and have a good time and when I'm out I like to make sure everyone else is having a good time too. But when I'm in the weight loss groove so to be speak, I can't be as worried about whether or not everyone else is having a good time. I am not going to get wasted with you just because you need to let loose. I'm not going to stay up until 2 and sacrifice hours of precious sleep to make sure your party keeps going. I just can't. And I know that sounds selfish and bitchy, but I just need to put myself first right now.

I need to put myself first on Thanksgiving day, at my office Christmas party, and during every single holiday event that happens this year. I need to put myself first, and believe me, you won't even remember that I didn't eat your sugar cookies in a couple of weeks. So please, just let me put myself first. Just for a little while.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


So, I am doing good. I'm changing my official weigh in to Monday, so I won't post anything here until then, but I think my water weight is off and now I only have a few pounds before I'm back down to where I was before the wedding madness set in. I feel good about it.

I also finally made it back to the gym, although it was pure torture forcing myself to go. Once I got there I kept telling myself, you can stop in five minutes, you can stop in five minutes. I ended up doing the whole 45 on the new ellipticals there and kept my heart rate in the low 150's the whole time. I know it's not a substitute for running, but I think switching it up to the elliptical once in a while is just fine. At least I got through it, right?

The weird thing is, even though my heart rate was up there, I barely sweat at all. Usually I've got buckets of the stuff pouring off of me, and I've even noticed it more since I've gotten in better and better shape. But now that I've taken some time off of working out, my sweat is gone? Weird. I bet it comes back.

Bah, I have about a billion things to say about the eating habits and weight and blah blah blah, but it all has to do with work and I'm terrified to post it here. In a nutshell, I'm having issues and I think it's jealousy because of this woman who has lost about 50 lbs since May and I feel crappy that I can't be more happy for her. She's great and she completely deserves it. But she's getting to the point where she's looking really awesome and tons of people are complimenting her. And I want that. I'm such an evil person.

Monday, November 06, 2006


I'm back and I'm considering this day 2. Yesterday I finally got back on the wagon. And actually, I sort of slapped the wagon in the face. But looking back on it, I guess I sort of did ease myself back in. It's like I tip toed up to the ledge, but then once I got there I just fucking jumped. You know?

So as of yesterday, I pretty much cut out all sugar and anything refined. I'm chillin with the chicken and the eggs and the veggies and the water and trying to get all the crap out of my system. And I'm okay with it and I'm feeling good and I'm actually happy. Which is sort of a miracle. I'm sort of terrified about getting through the next two months without gaining any weight, so instead my plan is to go the opposite way. That's right, I plan to lose weight over this holiday season, and lose a fairly significant amount. I'm going for at least 12 lbs for January 1. This will put me firmly in the 160's for the new year.

In year's past I've lost weight during the year, sometimes all the way up until October, and then proceeded to gain most of it back during November and December. But not this year. I don't want my grandpa secretly watching how much pie I take at Thanksgiving dinner. I don't want the family Christmas pictures to make me cringe. I don't want to feel sick on the drive back home from Texas because I just stuffed my face with a food from a fast food chain I abhor.

I will plan. I will focus. I will work out and I will eat right and I will kick these upcoming holiday's right in the ass. I turn 27 two days after Christmas and I will not let this next year be another one where I gain and lose weight over and over again.

In other news, the boy went to China for work, so now I'm a lonely newlywed. I miss him more than I usually do when he's gone; I guess it's the newness of the whole marriage thing. I'm trying to use this time to cook and work out and like I said, generally dive back in hardcore, but I just miss him. He's my support system, he's watched me do this about a million times and he's never negative about it. He's always rooting me on and I guess sometimes I don't realize how important it is to have that support behind me. The good news is, my sister is taking the plunge with me, so at least I have her to talk to about the whole weight loss thing while the boy is out of town. And you guys of course!

I'm doing this right now; I really am.

Monday, October 30, 2006


For a lot of us in the weight loss game, losing weight isn't a process that just begins and ends. Instead there are ups and downs and good times and bad times. Some of us go days, weeks, months, even years on the wagon. The people who've really figured it out do it for the rest of their lives.

But some of us backslide once in a while. Or maybe even more than once in a while. Sometimes it's a hardcore fall and we gain a lot of weight. Sometimes its that we just quit losing for a period of time and plateau a little. Or maybe our losses slow to a snail's pace. Maybe it's stress, or maybe it's that we're just sick of thinking about it, or maybe it's a planned vacation from the whole thing.

For me, my slip up was the last - a planned vacation. I knew what I was doing. I wanted to do it. And I have gained weight. So when I got back from my honeymoon last week, I had it in my mind that I was going to get back on the wagon and detox and quickly lose the weight I had gained.

I've been doing this for a long time now, practically all of my life I guess, but really focusing on it for at least a couple of years. And ususally, when I fall off the wagon or gain some weight back, I get to a point where I'm just sick of it, I just can't take it any more, and I start again. I've always been able to start again. The problem is that I'm always having to start again.

This year has been the first year where I haven't had to do that. Until now that is. I lost weight slowly and had a few stalls, but I started the year at 195, and as of about a month ago I saw the virgin fat territory, albeit fleetingly, of 170.5. Now, as of this morning I weighed 179. That's an 8.5 lb gain. I can attribute that to a couple of things, carb bloat, beer bloat, travel bloat, lack of sleep, but first and foremost, it's due to lack of exercise and taking in way too many calories. Knowing my body, I think some if I'll get rid of quickly, probably about three pounds, and the rest of it will take some time.

The problem is, I'm having a hard time focusing on what I need to do. Like I said before, in the past, I've always been able to jump right back on the wagon and go with it. But the past couple of days have been hard for me and I've had a really slow start. Take this morning for instance.

Woke up and had a cup of spinach, a banana and some almond butter. Lunch was a salad with a pear and walnuts and some balsamic vinaigrette. So far so good right? I had an apple and two small pieces of dark chocolate for a snack and I was good to go. But I was tired. Tired from the weekend and traveling and the time change and from waking up earlier than I've had to in a long time. Too tired to go to the gym. Too tired. I should have had some protein earlier in the day and I probably wouldn't have been so tired.

Point is, I came home and had a huge dinner and way too much Halloween candy and now I've gone way over my allotted calories for the day and skipped my workout. I should have just come home and had a healthy, well-portioned dinner and been done with it. But for some reason I just can't seem to want it that badly, and that's what really scares me.

What's it going to take for me to get back to that mindset, the mindset where I know I can do it and where I'm taking the steps I need to take to lose this weight? Gaining another pound, another five or ten pounds? Will it be gaining all of the weight back that I've lost this entire year? What's it going to be? Right now I just don't really know.

Saturday, October 28, 2006


So I made Buckwheat Groats for breakfast this morning. Have you guys ever eaten them? One cup of buckwheat groats, two cups of soy milk, one mashed banana and some cinnamon. Bring to a boil and then let simmer for 15 to 20 minutes. It was...interesting. Not quite as tasty as oatmeal. But judging by the difficulty I had cleaning the pan, that shit is good for my insides if you know what I mean! I don't know if I'll make it again. We'll see.

I'm on kind of a cooking kick now that I've gotten home; eating out so much on our trip sort of got boring and I miss eating home-cooked meals. Not that I'm much of a cook, but I like to have what I like to have, you know? Last night the boy had a steak and mashed potatoes and I had salmon and sweet potatoes. They were delicious, and I love knowing exactly what I'm putting in my mouth.

Tonight we've got a Halloween party to go to and of course I will be the loser with no costume, but I can't put the effort or money into it today. Eh. It will be the first time we've seen all of our friends since the wedding though, so I'm looking forward to that. Hope you all are having a great weekend! I'll leave you with a pic from the wedding!

Friday, October 27, 2006

I'm Back!

And I'm happily married! Thanks to everyone for your well wishes and Alea, you are the sweetest!

The wedding was fantastic. We had so much fun and like everyone says, it flew by. It was everything I could have ever dreamed of and I am so incredibly happy right now. The ceremony was beautiful and the party was rockin and I just had so much fun. I'll post pics when I get some from someone in my family or the photographer, but for now I'll just have to give you a few from the honeymoon in Hawaii.

The honeymoon got off to a rocky start when there was the earthquake in Hawaii. We were at the airport pretty much all day on Sunday the 15th, and then they finally cancelled the flight for good. Luckily the boy is resourceful, and we got another flight early the next morning to Maui. We were exhausted, but so happy to be there.

Our honeymoon was spent laughing and indulging and loving each other. We had so much fun it was ridiculous. I ate a ton, but I also ran on the beach, did sunrise yoga on the beach, swam and snorkeled and rode in a helicopter (and let me tell you, I think fear does burn calories). I'm home now and weighing quite a bit more than I did when I left, but I'm happy with every single thing I did. We got home yesterday and spent the day opening wedding gifts and playing with the dog, and this morning I got up and went straight to the grocery to stock up on fruits and veggies. I'm doing a little bit of detox over the next week or so to see if I can get rid of some of this bloat and water weight, but I know I've definitely gained some fat and I want to get rid of that as well. I've missed you guys so much, and I can't wait to go read about how you've been doing.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Hey everyone. So sorry I've been gone. The wedding is nuts! Super fun though. Eating is crap, I can't seem to get it under control right now but for some reason I can't really make myself care either. I guess I just need a break from it and right now is the time because I've got so many other things to worry about.

So the wedding - things are going well and I am seriously excited. We have about one million events going on. Thursday the bridesmaids and I are doing nails, and then my dad and co get in town so I'll be doing dinner or some such thing with them. Then Friday morning is a ladies luncheon (and no, I didn't name it that, you can thank my aunt for that). The the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, then Saturday is lots of hair and makeup and beautifying and then the wedding.

On Sunday we will leave early for our honeymoon to beautiful Hawaii! I won't be wearing a bikini, but dammit I will be sitting in the sun enjoying myself. And hopefully taking a helicopter ride.

Anyway, I have to go write thank you notes, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm here and thank you for all of your comments. You guys are the best. If I'm not here before the wedding, I'll be back at the end of October to catch up on all your blogs and I'm sure hit the eating right/exercise thing hardcore again for the final push to the end of the year. Can you say 150's??????

Oh yeah, and I'll have pictures too!

Thursday, October 05, 2006


Okay so sorry I had this great news with hitting the virgin fat territory and then I just disappeared. Thank you all for all of the wonderful comments; you don't know how much I appreciate it.

Maybe it's mental, or maybe I'm stressed, but as soon as I hit that number my eating went to shit. I haven't been doing well at all and I'm sorry to say I've definitely gained a few pounds in the past few weeks. With the wedding and work right now, I'm just not able to focus as much as I'd like and I'm struggling a bit.

I had my last fitting of my dress on Tuesday, and I know a few pounds isn't going to make that much of a difference either way. I'm so excited to be getting married and to be wearing that dress. I know I'm going to feel fab no matter what.

Anyway, I have to run to work, but I'll try to write a real post sometime soon. The wedding is nine days away!

Saturday, September 23, 2006


Woo hoo! Virgin fat territory! 170.5 and I am officially the lowest weight I've been since I have no idea when. Probably since I was three or four. :P

It's exciting and super fun and fabulous. Now I just need the 160's! Bring it on though, I can do this. I can! I realize I won't be making my 160 goal by the wedding, which is three weeks from today, but hey, I'm okay with that. I'm happy right now.

I'm also a little nervous, because today is a major shopping outing. We're going to Hawaii for our honeymoon, and I realized last week that pretty much all of my summer clothes are way too big. So I hope I can find some sales with some leftover capris, sun dresses, etc. Also, I need a new swimsuit. And a nightie to wear on my wedding night.

Going to try on revealing clothes such as these is usually a recipe for disaster no matter how happy I am with my body, but today I'm going to do the best I can to keep a positive attitude and just enjoy the fact that I'm fitting in size 12's. I'm really going to do my best to keep it upbeat. Wish me luck.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Stoopid Blogger

I just wrote a whole post and poof, disappeared. I hate you blogger.

Anyway, I was just lamenting about how I'm not feeling well - my lungs are tight and I'm tired and a little dizzy. It all started when I went to work out with the trainer today and he made me do sprints around the basketball court first thing. My lungs got all tight and I just couldn't seem to recover. I spent most of the day coughing at work and just being tired and useless. Eh.

So yeah, I'm considering calling in sick tomorrow. It's so weird, because you know, people get sick, but there's some weird little good girl inside of me that just doesn't want to do it. I'm a total corporate soldier. It's sad. I think I'm going to do it anyway though. I'm just effing tired and I need a day to chill. My teams can handle it without me. I think they'll be fine.

Also, I just wanted to report back on my daily weigh in. I think I'm going to report it here when I post, but my official weigh in will still be Thursday. Or I still might do that ten day average thing. Honestly, I don't think it really matters that much as long as the numbers are moving. Right? Oh well I still like to let you guys know.

Today I was at 172. So 171 is the lowest I can EVER remember being, so I'm still just over one lb away from virgin fat territory. I'm telling you, when I actually see the 160's, I might die. I seriously might die. Just another chunk of numbers to blow through though right?

Oh yeah, I did my wedding hair this weekend - it was fun but I'm sort of glad it's over with and one less thing I have to deal with. I decided to go with it "half up" if you know what I mean. She did a low bun at first, but it was just too severe and I didn't like it. I'm going for the romantic look. Or, the messy look if you don't want to use euphemisms. Four weeks to go and I'm getting so excited! Yippee!

Saturday, September 16, 2006


Five days in a row this week of pretty hardcore workouts have left me sore and in dire need of rest today. So I'm sitting on the couch right now enjoying some coffee and catching up on your blogs rather than going on a run. The run can wait until tomorrow. This was the first week I decided to see the trainer two days, and I'm definitely feeling it. As Martha would say, "it's a good thing." Yeah.

So food this week wasn't horrible, but it probably could have been better. I logged a gain of 1 lb which sort of suck, but I'm also in the middle of my cycle, so we'll see what next week holds. Pasta Queen wrote something about doing a 10 day average rather than just a once a week weigh in, and I'm thinking about doing that as well.

I pretty much weigh myself every day anyway, so I may as well see how that pans out. I like knowing what I'm eating and burning off day to day affects the number on the scale. I'm sort of obsessive like that.

So yeah, today is a rest day. I'm going to the salon to practice my hairstyle for the wedding this afternoon, so I'm sort of excited about that. The rest of the weekend, and this week and next weekend, are going to be pretty chill I think. The boy is leaving for London for work tonight, which I'm kind of bummed about. Then he comes home for one night on Thursday and leaves again for his Bachelor party in Vegas the next day. Yikes! Thirteen guys in Vegas. Wow. They are going to get crazy. I'm just looking at it as a chance to spend some time focusing on myself and enjoying being alone.

Enjoy your Saturday!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Will I Never Learn?

Okay so last Friday, I flew completely off the handle and had chips and salsa, french fries, pasta, and bread. I was bloated and disgusting. And then I decided I was going to do the Master Cleanse. Have you guys heard of this? It's a cleanse that was invented in the 70's or 50's or something. Basically, you drink a mixture of maple syrup, lemon juice, water and a dash of cayenne pepper. You're supposed to drink this mixture for 10 days (seriously, ten days) and it cleans you out and detoxifies you and you're all brand new and a baby on the inside.

I thought it would be good; I thought it would be a good reset so to speak - a way to focus on the good foods and really think about what I'm putting into my body every day. So I spent all day Saturday fasting basically, and drinking this weird mixture. It was hard. And not very tasty. By 7:00 or so, I really wanted to eat. Not just for the food in my body, but for the social aspect of it as well. I was bored out of my mind from having so much free time. It's amazing how much food prep/eating/going out to eat takes out of your day. It's a good thing though; I like that part of my life. The eating part. :)

So anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling gross and empty and I realized that I don't need to fast. I don't need to cleanse. My body may have some issues, but for the most part I am damn healthy. Yes, I eat crap once in a while, like on Friday, but mainly my diet is filled with whole grains and fruits and veggies and legumes and lean meats and those are the things that fuel my intense workouts every day.

And honestly, the whole fasting thing was really throwing a wrench into my healthy lifestyle. I was weak, couldn't work out, and I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed. I know the human body can withstand fasting and people have been doing it for hundreds of years, but I don't want to fast. So I don't have to.

Sunday I ended up eating mostly fruits and veggies (and some wheat thins), and I felt a ton better. I like eating. I like fueling my body. And as this week progresses, I see that the things I do every day are good things, and I don't have to resort to crazy tactics to be a healthy person. I already am.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

This Sweetness

It's raining here. And I feel like I could eat an entire house full of potato chips. Or some other monstrous amount of food. I just want to snack, you know? Just sit on the couch and munch. I think part of it is that I allowed myself some sugar today. Clearly that is leading to the cravings. I had a really bad day at work yesterday, and today one of my best girl's at work brought me a brownie.

Very sweet of her, and I don't really voice my weight loss efforts too much at work, so it isn't like she was intentionally trying to sabotage me. But she sorta did.

So yeah, the brownie was sitting on my desk as of 9:00 a.m. The girl who brought it for me sits right next to me, so I couldn't exactly chuck it while she was right there. So I put it aside and tried to hide it underneath some papers. The morning went smoothly and I sort of forgot the brownie was even there.

But then, after a healthy Subway lunch, the brownie started calling my name. I had an hour and a half meeting, and my the time I got out of it, I just needed the sugar. I was craving it. So I ate about half of it. It's amazing how sensitive I am to the sugar now though, it just tasted so sickly sweet. Don't get me wrong, it was delicious, but it still tasted very sweet.

Since then I've pretty much wanted to eat all afternoon. It's weird how some unexpected sugar can do that to your system. Eh. I guess that should teach me not to eat a brownie after lunch.

The good news is, I weighed in today for a loss - I'm down to 172.5. Woo hoo! And guess what, if I can lose 2 lbs next week, I will be entering virgin fat territory. Meaning I'll be at the lowest adult weight I've seen since I've been weighing myself obsessively, which probably means I'll be at the lowest weight I've been since hmmmm, I dunno, maybe some time in high school? Wow. I hope I make it next week. That will be super exciting. Okay off to read your blogs. Have a great Friday tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Stop Losing? On Purpose?

That's what I have to do. Well, at least after two weeks.

You see I went to try on my wedding dress today. It is definitely too big. Which is good; I'm happy about that. It means I can see progress since I ordered it. And, it's very pretty and I did feel a little bit like a princess. In fact I'm actually feeling very good about the way I'm going to look on my wedding day, so I just hope this feeling lasts. And I hope it lasts when I get all of my pictures back from the wedding day.

But, the woman at the bridal shop told me that I really shouldn't lose anymore weight after the first real fitting in two weeks. At that point, they'll pin everything up and get it ready for cutting, but they won't do any cutting. Then the next week I go in for another fitting to make sure everything is pinned correctly. Then she cuts it, and I go in for my final fitting.

So, if I lose any more weight after she does the second fitting, which is actually in three weeks I guess, then when she cuts it it will still be too big and she'll have to re-cut it. So basically, even though I have almost six weeks until the wedding, I really only have three more to lose all the weight that I want. At best that's like 7 lbs. That sucks. I mean, I'd only have three more weeks after that, and most likely the amount of weight I could lose in those three weeks wouldn't really change the way the dress fits, but I just want it to be perfect. Completely perfect. You know?

I guess what I should really be worrying about is why I'm so obsessed over the numbers of it. It isn't what the number on the scale says, but how I look and feel. And I know that I'm going to look and feel amazing at my wedding no matter what that number on the scale says. I guess I just envisioned myself really hitting it hard and being able to get to 160 or a little over, and now that vision is sort of screwed. Let's face it, it probably wasn't going to happen anyway, but I still had a little glimmer that I could get down there. Eh.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm going to be just fine no matter what my weight is at my wedding. I still want to continue to lose, but I think if I stay where I am or only lose 5 -7 more lbs before the wedding, I'll be okay with it. It's all good. I'm going to just do whatever I can over these next couple of weeks, and then I'm going to enjoy my wedding. Yippee.

P.S. I'm not going to look anything like the chick in the picture. I'll have a soft updo, and obviously I have blonde hair. Also, I will not be rocking the pink choker. I can't really pull that off. :)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


Wow. Labor Day weekend was super fun, but not exactly on plan. On plan, off plan, on plan, off plan. On and on and on. It's okay though because I'm back on I think. And I had pretty much planned to go off plan, if that's not too much of a cluster. I'm cool with it. I weighed in this morning and was up about a pound, but I'm thinking I can get that off by my official weigh in on Tuesday.

So now for a little wedding chat. My dress came in today, and I'm going to try it on tomorrow. And I'm completely terrified. It's weird, because it's almost certainly going to be too big, considering I ordered it in March and I've lost at least 15 lbs since then. But.


For some reason I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll look like complete crap and then my dream of being a pretty pretty princess in a big white dress will be foiled. I was never one of those girls who had my wedding planned out, but ever since I've started this process, I've sort of gotten a little more into the whole fantasy thing. I want to be pretty dammit. I mean don't we all just want to be pretty sometimes? I think it'll be fine, but still, I'm nervous...

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

High School

So - things are good, pretty much going according to plan. Jennifer asked about my calorie levels, and I've been tracking them on sparkpeople. It turns out I've eaten right around 1450 calories for the past two days, which I think is pretty good. I've eaten on plan except for lunch today, where I ended up going out for a work lunch and had a taco salad without the shell. Pretty much lettuce, beans, salsa, chicken and sour cream. Not perfect, but I'm okay with it. Oh I've also been having some WW ice cream treats after dinner. Because I can!

So this morning I did my high intensity cardio (basically sprints) at the elementary school down the street where I usually do it. Only usually, there aren't any kids. Well I guess school started because today, there were kids. It was about 6:15 or so, and there were kids! Seriously what the eff time do they make kids go to school these days?

The kids weren't the elementary students, but I think high school and middle school age, and they were waiting for the bus. During the time I was running on the basketball court (about 30 minutes total), I think I saw four different buses come by and pick up a different cluster of kids. At various times mini vans or other random cars would pull up, and more kids would jump out and wait for the bus.

Now I live pretty much in the heart of Denver, in a neighborhood with probably not the best schools. I don't plan on kids for a while, so I don't really know about the details, but it appears they have some sort of crazy bus system going on that makes parents have to actually drive their kids to the bus stop, where the kids then get on the bus and go wherever they are bused to. At 6:15 a.m.! When I was in high school, 1st period started at 7:25 a.m. Could it be that it is taking an hour for these buses to get to where they are going? Eek! I'm not going to get into some debate about busing because I'm not informed enough to have an opinion, but what I will tell you is that high school kids can still make me squirm.

And I haven't been in high school for almost ten years!

I mean, running up and down that basketball court, I just felt like they were watching me, judging me. Most likely they couldn't give two shits about the chubby 20-something running around their bus stop, but still, it felt weird. How sad is it that I am still so insecure that some silly kids can make me question my healthy habits? I have GOT to get some confidence going here. COME ON!

At least I got my cardio in for the morning, and I guess I'll just have to deal with the kids whenever I want to do my high intensity moving forward. I think as the season starts to change and it starts to get cold and snowy, I'll have to move it to the gym, but for now, it's just me and the high school kids. :)

Sunday, August 27, 2006

This Week

So I realized after all the drama lama I've been writing about I still want to get down to the nitty gritty of how I expect to lose weight this week. One of my good friends is getting married this weekend so I expect Saturday will be a wash, and of course I was hoping to see 170 by that day, but that means I'd have to lose 4.5 lbs in six days and I don't think that's going to happen. SO... I'm just going to aim for a 2 lb loss this week.

To do that, I'm going to...

Breakfast - oatmeal and spinach
Lunch - turkey sandwich, spinach, yogurt
Snack - apple and protien shake
Workout - Run 2 laps around Sloan's Lake (appx. 5.2 miles)
Dinner - Whole wheat angel hair pasta w/ veggies

Workout - 20 minute intervals at elementary school basketball court
Breakfast - cereal and spinach
Lunch - Lean Cuisine, salad
Snack - Luna Bar and apple
Workout - Weights w/ the trainer
Dinner - eggs w/ sauteed veggies in low carb tortilla wrap

Workout - spinning
Breakfast (at work) - oatmeal
Lunch - work lunch (make a good choice)
Snack - Luna Bar and apple
Dinner - with the girl's (make a good choice)

Workout - 20 minute intervals at elemetary school
Breakfast - cereal and spinach
Lunch - work lunch (make a good choice)
Snack - Luna bar and apple
Workout - weights
Dinner - boca chili w/ lf cheese

Workout - 40 minute run
Breakfast - cereal and spinach
Lunch - turkey sandwich
Snack - luna bar and apple
Dinner - somewhere in Vail, where the wedding is (make a good choice)

Okay that's the plan. I can do this...

More Obsession Discussion

So I think I'm back to my cynical but fairly happy self. I don't know what's been going on with me the past couple of weeks, maybe stress, but I've been so down on myself and in bitch mode with everyone else. That needs to stop. This weekend has been better, but I'm certainly not perfect.

So I'm counting a 1.5 loss this week, even though that was actually my Wednesday weigh in, not Thursday. I don't care though, that's what I'm calling it. I can if I want nyah nyah nyah. My workouts haven't been perfect and neither has my eating, but good enough I think in order to keep my somewhat sane. I can't be obsessing about this stuff day in and day out or else I'm just going to fall into some black hole and never come out.

Have you guys ever heard of orthorexia? It's basically being obsessed with eating healthy food. I don't think I have it, especially considering the four handfuls of jelly beans I ate last night, and honestly I think I'm too emotionally connected to comfort foods to ever develop it, but I think it's interesting nonetheless. It isn't anorexia, because it isn't being obsessed with being fat, but really it's just being obsessed with those foods you put in your mouth. And making sure they are healthy foods.

Like I said, I definitely don't have it, but I can relate to people who do have it. And I know a lot of us out there in fatblogland probably can. Do I ever go a day without thinking and planning and fearing food? No way. I mean, whether it's a work lunch or pizza on girl's night, I'm constantly worrying about whether or not I should eat this or that and how it will affect my weight loss or weight gain. Some days I think it's great, because it's that planning that really contributes to my success with weight loss. But some days I just wish I could be normal and not berate myself for eating a piece of cake at a birthday party.

I know this is rehashing old material for me and you guys are probably sick of reading about it, but it's just a constant annoyance for me. I'm always thinking: Why can't I be normal? The weird thing is though, I think I am kind of normal. I think a lot of people, skinny and fat alike, feel this way about food. It's so weird to have this love/hate relationship with something that you absolutely must rely on or else you'll die.

Anyway, I'm okay with it all right now, but I'm just finding it important to be aware of my feelings about food at all times right now. Being aware and writing about it is what's keeping me sane right now. And I'm still logging my food and working out and and working on being healthy. And as long as I do that I think I'll be cool. Right?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Obsessed Again

But maybe not in a good way. In the past, I've always said that when I become truly "obsessed" with weight loss is when I do my very best. I'm focused, I plan, and usually I succeed. But the boy and I had a long conversation last night, and he reminded me that this struggle with my weight is not the only thing that defines me. Somehow I've been letting it go like that, but it shouldn't. I mean, for the past I don't know how many years, I've been trying to lose weight. In the past eight months or so, I've really been focused on it.

And I've been doing a good job - I'm losing and my fitness levels are increasing. But sometimes, it's all I think about. What do I weigh today? How many calories have I eaten today? How many calories have I burned today? And sometimes its all I talk about. And when I'm stressed out or upset about my weight, it translates into other parts of my life. I'm always trying to do something to change my body, and when it doesn't go the way I want, I get upset. So I lash out at those around me when all they are trying to do is help.

So last night, the boy reminded me that my weight isn't the only thing that people notice when they look at me. They notice my creativity, and my sense of humor, and my drive, and my honesty. They notice that my hair is really straight and soft. They notice a lot of things, and one of those things might be my weight, but it might not be either. The problem is, I don't notice those things.

Some days its seems that I've forgotten all of the parts of myself that I love, because I'm so focused on those parts of myself that I want to change. I need to get back to loving my entire self, and knowing that I'm so much more than just someone who wants to lose weight. Yes, that's a huge part of me, and I'm not giving it up, but maybe I shouldn't be so obsessed some days.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Worst Week Ever

Argh! Can I just complain for a minute? This week has completely sucked. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and I'm not happy. I think it all started when I got wasted at my friend's bachelorette party last weekend, which led to eating massive amounts of crap. I got back on the wagon on Monday and my eating has been fine since then, but I just can't seem to recover physically. Or mentally for that matter.

So wedding planning and buying a house and working full time and trying to lose weight and take care of a little dogger and trying to be a nice happy fiance just doesn't seem to work all at once right now. This has taught me that I'm not the person I was in college; I can't feed my body alcohol and processed carbs and all around crap if I want to try and function for the week ahead. So no more binge drinking. Or binge eating. It's just stupid and pointless and it makes me feel like shit. I mean I know it was a bachelorette party, but still. Ridic.

I also think the stress of the wedding is sort of getting to me. I cannot tell you how excited I am to marry this man, but with less than two months to go, I'm just scared. I'm scared to get up in front of all of those people in a big white dress. I'm scared I won't get all of the things done I need to get done. I'm scared that I'm changing my name. I want to change my name but it's still weird and scary. I'm scared that I have to be an adult now since I'll be married and have a job and own a house. It's just a lot to deal with sometimes and I think this week it's all just sort of hit at once. I mean we've only been in this house for two weeks now, and there is still so much to do. But a girl can only buy a new hose and look at tuxedos and think about bridesmaids shoes and celebrate so many birthdays in a week. Ya know?

I think I'll use this weekend to recharge. I'm going to bed early tonight, and then I'm going to get up and go see the trainer in the morning. After work I think I'm either going to go get a manicure or just come home and chillax. Yes it's Friday night, but honestly all I want to do is chill out. I want to chill out and sleep late on Saturday and then go to my shower and have a really great time and enjoy all the people around me. I hope it works.

Also, since Saturday will mark exactly 8 weeks until my wedding, I'm thinking about trying to ratchet it up a notch. I'm not exactly sure what that entails, but if anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. I was thinking of doing a cleanse or something, but I think that might put too much stress on my body. And then I was thinking maybe I'll just go hardcore and totally eliminate all white flour and sugar, but I'm not sure if I should try to do that or just increase my workouts or what I should do. I know the one thing I shouldn't do is stress about it. I'm just going to try to be as healthy as I can be and hopefully the weight will come off. Gah.

Monday, August 14, 2006


Okay so the plan sort of worked. First, I was so tired this morning I did NOT want to get up and run, and I almost hit the snooze button again. So that wouldn't be on the plan though, so I dragged my ass out of bed and went on my run. I still haven't figured out what sort of routes I like in my new neighborhood and exactly what I want to do, but I sort of meandered around all of the blocks around my neighborhood and it was fine. I passed by these two girls with their dogs no less than 3 times, and every time I passed them I sped up a little. I think it's good for me to have people to try to catch up with. It makes me go faster.

Breakfast was good - grape nuts and spinach. Okay so far so good.

Lunch, I was all set to have my Lean Cuisine, but then I realized that I had to go out for a farewell lunch for someone who is leaving my office. So of course we went to the sport's bar down the street, where my typical lunch is a taco salad (usually reserved for special occasions and I keep the portion small, but still, the shell isn't exactly healthy) I made a good decision and ordered it without the shell, cheese, and guac, which basically meant it was beans, lettuce, chicken and salsa. Not bad.

Snacks were on track, and dinner was chicken and veggies on the grill. WW giant cone for dessert. I feel good. I mean, I still had a few bites of the boy's cookie, so I'm not perfect, but at least things are getting back to okay. It's amazing how long the effects of alcohol last. I still feel sort of foggy and icky and I just want to be back to normal. No more drinking for a while. Next Saturday is my shower, and I expect I'll have a few glasses of wine there, but nothing like what I did this weekend. Hopefully I've learned my lesson for a few weeks at least.

So here's something. You know, I expect people to stink at the gym. Some people are clearly a little ripe, and they should probably do something about it, but I won't complain because we all go to the gym to work up a sweat. So fine. You stink at the gym. I'll keep my mouth shut.

But damnit, when I go to the grocery store, where I buy my food, and you stink, I just can't handle it. Who should stink so badly today? No, not some random guy hanging out in the cheese aisle. It's my effing checker! People, he's touching every single piece of food that I am about to purchase, take home and then put in my mouth. And the man clearly hasn't had a shower in about three weeks. Sick! I cannot handle it. I know that my food is wrapped, and the stink can't really rub off, but seriously. It makes me miss my fancy schmancy Cerry Creek grocery store. Oh well I still like my house, and that's the first time I've gone to this grocery store, and other than that everything went well. Sorry, just had to rant for a minute. NOTE - if you work in a store where people buy their food, take a shower! And deoderant! You can steal some and take it in the back and put it on. I doubt your manager will notice. Seriously.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Quick back on track plan

Okay so I've had kind of a fuckup week and weekend, and I didn't lose last week, and if I want to prevent myself from gaining and actually lose this week, I need a plan to get back on track. So this is a boring post, really just a plan for me to make sure I can fit into those (size 32!) jeans I bought this weekend.

Workout: 40 minute run
Breakfast: Grape Nuts, spinach
Lunch: Lean Cuisine, pudding cup
Snack: Apple, protein shake
Dinner: Grilled chicken, low fat risotto, green beans

Rest of the week:
Breakfasts are cereal and spinach
Lunches are lean cuisines, turkey sandwiches or salads
Snacks are fruit and protein shakes
Dinners are chicken and veggies, salads or sandwiches

I'm going to run in the morning so I can go to the grocery store after work and pick up some of the essentials for the week. I'll be okay for food tomorrow, but I need to go after work if I want to make it through the week in a healthy manner.

So quickly, I've fallen off the wagon for a few days, but I'm picking myself back up. The reason I'm picking myself up is because this weekend I went shopping, and I cannot tell you how fabulous it feels to fit into clothes. By no means am I finished, I know I still have a lot of work to do, but damn does it feel good to go into the Lucky store and fit into women's jeans that actually look cute. Woo hoo! Later taters.

Thursday, August 10, 2006


Effing it up the past two days. Weighed in this morning for a maintain. Ate over 1900 calories today, including ice cream twice. Not really the actions of someone doing a good job on the weight loss front. I dunno I guess I just lost my mojo for a minute.

I did do my two workouts today, but they both pretty much sucked so I don't think I burned very many calories. Feh. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. I'm going to try to wake up and run before work, but I'm just so exhausted I don't really know if it's going to happen. I think I have to make it happen though.

After work I'm going to my mom's house and we're going to stuff envelopes. The invitations should be out by next week, and then I guess it's pretty much rolling from there. Wow. It's getting kind of crazy how close it's coming up. I mean, today we got our first wedding present. We were both sort of floored that it was sitting on the doorstep, because we haven't even sent out the invitations yet. I haven't even had a shower yet. How are people already sending us gifts? I guess they are just super on top of things. Works for me!

So yeah, I pretty much feel fat and bloated and sorry for myself right now. Sorry for bitching, but I kind of just wanted to get it out. I'll be back soon enough in a better mood.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Ooh la la, it's the six month anniversary of the day the boy proposed. Does that count for presents? It certainly doesn't count for dinner; I had a tough workout with the trainer tonight and I came home and made black bean quesadilla's on low carb tortillas. Not exactly gourmet. But that's part of my charm, right? ;)

Trainer tonight was good, he weighed me and took my measurements and I'm down almost exactly 20 lbs from when I started with him at the end of December. On the one hand it's kind of sad that it's taken me that long to lose 20 lbs, but on the other hand I'm excited that I've been sticking with it this long and I'm really starting to see progress. Now if I could just lose another 20 before the wedding. Not possible I know, but I'm going to keep trying. I could tell the trainer was pretty excited about it all. I'm his project.

So I'm trying to get back to doing my two-a-days this week, and usually on my morning high intensity days (before weights in the evening) I was doing treadmill intervals. I'd do 3 minutes at about 5, then push it up to 6.8 for a minute, then back down, etc. Now that we're in our new house I don't have access to a treadmill in the morning, and I'm not going to the gym to do just a quick 20 minutes of cardio when it's so nice out, so this morning I had to improvise. I jogged down to the elementary school a few blocks away and ran sprints on the outdoor basketball court.

What? What what what? I ran sprints on the basketball court and no one even told me to? Who am I? Some sort of dedicated athlete? I may not look the part yet, but I certainly feel it. On the way home I sort of felt like I was in a N1ke commercial and I just couldn't get over the things I'm now doing. It's insane when it goes like this. Especially considering I went to see Death Cab last night, (they put on an amazing show by the way) and I wasn't in bed even close to my normal hour. And I had three beers. Not on the plan I know, but it's okay. I'm some sort of fitness demon right now. I still sort of wish I could be magically skinny when I'm in the zone like this, but I guess it just takes time. Lots and lots of time.

On a different note, I heard from an old high school friend via MySpace the other day. It was pretty weird and I'm still getting used to the idea of talking with her. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing from old friends. It's just that I guess she just reminds me of a person I used to be, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be disappointed with the person I've become today if I could have seen the future. I mean, I'm happy, in love, getting married and have a great life. But I used to be so independent, and creative, and action oriented. Now I'm a little more complacent about things. I have a desk job in the corporate world. I shop at Hom3 Depot and eat tuna sandwiches for lunch. I guess I think I'm just kind of boring now. And fat.

I've always been overweight, and now I probably weigh less than I did the last time I saw her (sometime in college). And the kicker is, she probably weighs about 300 lbs. It's not how she sees me though, it's how I see myself. And while I never liked anything about myself in high school, I look back and I liked my sense of purpose, my drive, and my desire. I still have those qualities and like them about myself, but they've been channeled in different directions. At the end of the day I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but it's always strange to be reminded of the past. I suppose a little reflection can't hurt, can it?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

We Have Patio Furniture!

And about a million other things. Sorry I've been so gone so long, we've been without Internet during this move and pretty effing busy to boot. I'm exhausted, but happy. We're finally completely out of the old apartment and in our new house. A real house. We've made it to grown up land I guess. We've been busy trying to figure out how things work around here, but so far everything is going well with the new place. The washer and dryer and dishwasher all seem to work fine. We don't have AC, but other than a few hot afternoons it hasn't really been too bad. I guess they build these old houses to keep cool. Ours was built in 1890! Wow.

Anyway, things are okay on the weight loss front. Last I posted I was worried I wasn't going to lose, and I didn't lose that week, I maintained. Last week I weighed in with a 1.5 loss, so I'm down to 176 now. I'm not sure what week I'm on of the 12 week challenge, but I'm going to figure that out soon and try to see what my progress has been. Obviously I won't have lost 25 lbs like I wanted to, but that's okay. I'm on the downward trend and that is what matters.

Eating has been tough; we had to eat out a lot during the move because we hadn't been grocery shopping and we had packed all of our dishes away, etc. I've been making pretty good choices though, so I feel pretty okay about stuff. We did get a new grill and some patio furniture, so tonight the boy and I attempted our first grilling adventure with chicken and veggie skewers. They were pretty good except I of course didn't even think about seasoning them (why am I so shoddy at cooking?). Needless to say they were bland. And the potatoes didn't get cooked. But eh, what can you do? At least I remembered to soak the skewers so they didn't set on fire!

Last night we went to the sushi restaurant around the corner (awesome, we can walk there!) and I had the vegetarian sushi plate. It was delicious, and I think fairly healthy. I need to figure out just exactly how many calories are in a veggie roll, but I doubt it can be all that many. It's just the rice, right? I also ventured out and had some tuna and some salmon, and both were pretty good. I'm usually very picky about my meat, but I'm working on the sushi thing.

Working out has been okay, but I've dropped my workouts drastically from where they were the week before last. I plan to get back to the 8 workouts a week this week, because this week I only did 4. I do feel okay about it though because of all of the moving and walking up and down the stairs I've been doing. I put on my pedometer today at 1, after a long walk with the dogger and unloading at least three boxes. Even though I missed counting those activities, I've almost got 11,000 steps for the day. So no workout, but I'm definitely moving my body.

I've so missed reading all of your blogs, but I'm finally starting to catch up. I miss you guys!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Random Thoughts on Goals

I ate like six mini snickers today. Maybe even more. Damn. After all the rah rah posting I've been doing lately. And what do I go and do but fuck it up. I need to start planning a little better because I get hungry in the afternoon and I have nowhere to go except straight for the chocolate. I also skipped my workout yesterday due to trying to find a coffee table and all of the zillion other things we have to do for the move/wedding. I know excuses excuses.

I think my hardcore goals might be freaking me out a little. I'm going to scale back my goals a little, but maybe not much. I don't know. Really what I want to do is hit 160 or even see the 150's by my wedding. Realistically I'm not sure if that's possible. I mean as of last Thursday I was 177.5. I doubt I'll lose this week because I've been a little lax with diet and exercise, but we'll see. As of this Saturday I have 11 weeks until the wedding. That means if I lose 1 lb a week, I'll be down to 166.5. If I lose 1.5 lb a week, I'll be down to 161, so I mean theoretically I should be able to do this with no problem.

Also, I know this is a boring post, but I just need to write out my thoughts about all of this right now so I'm sorry.

Anyway, so the problem with these goals is that the 170's are sort of a stopping point for me. I've mentioned here before that I was at my lowest weight, 171, in 2004 when I was in grad school and really focusing on weight loss. I never got out of the 170's though, the holiday's hit and I pretty much lost it after that. Before 2004 I never really weighed myself religiously, and I'm sure I was in the 160's at some point, (maybe early undergrad?) but I don't really know. And I guess I'm just scared I'm never going to find out. All these thoughts keep running through my head, like why do I sabotage myself when I get firmly into the 170's? Am I afraid of what will happen if the scale keeps going down? What if I have some mental block that means I'll stay in the 170's forever? Or what if my body just thinks this is a good stopping point and no matter what I do I won't be able to get out of here?

I know the physical thing isn't true, but I'm afraid the mental thing may actually be true. The problem is; I don't know why. If I knew why then maybe I'd be able to confront it, but right now I don't really know why. Maybe I'm just afraid of actually achieving my goals. Now I know I have a long way to go and I haven't achieved any goals yet, but it's like the possibility is finally in sight.

I don't see myself going back to that person I used to be. I don't see myself never working out, eating pizza and drinking wine every night. Sure I see myself doing that occasionally, but not all the time like it used to be. I have truly changed. And because of that, there should be no reason why I can't achieve my goal of seeing the 150's by my wedding. But I'm going to start small and see if I can just make it to the 160's for now. Then we'll see about the next set of numbers. It's weird how this seems so easy some days, and so scary and daunting the next. I guess if it was easy we'd all have it figured out by now. I guess that's why they say to take it one day at a time.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Sibling Rivalry

I think I've figured it out. For now at least. Eating and exercising is going well and I'm losing. I think my sister is having a hard time with it. I've mentioned her before here, and you probably know that she also struggles with her weight, but we've always sort of struggled together. I mean at least for the past three years, but probably more like our entire lives, we've sort of lost and gained weight on the same basic cycles. Sometimes she'll be more dedicated and focused while I'm just sort of so-so, and sometimes it's vice versa. At one point about a year ago she was kicking my ass and I felt like shit. It's not really that we're competitive, but there is some sort of mutual cheering/jealousy thing that goes on. It's never overt and we both want each other to be happy and healthy, but it does bum me out when she's looking happy and thin and fabulous and I'm feeling crappy and fat and sad. And I know it's the same for her.

Here's a pic of us from this past Christmas (I'm on the left). You would know it from the pic because my face is so bloated and round, but she weighs about 15 lbs more than me in this pic. My weight is distributed fairly evenly across my body, including my face, while hers resides mainly in the lower half of her body. She's so freaking pretty. Currently I weigh about 18 lbs less than I do in this pic (yay!).

The one thing that's really separated us over the past year though is our differing feelings on exercise. I've been very dedicated to exercising, especially since I started with the trainer in January, while she's just never been able to get excited about it. She hits the gym occasionally, but never seems to really get into it. Even when my eating has been crappy and I've been on the verge of gaining or plateauing, I've been lifting weights and riding my bike and attempting to run. It's something I've finally learned to enjoy, and now I can't imagine my life without it.

Anyway, my sister and I are really close, best friends really, and I know she's having a hard time right now with the weight situation. She's back to where she started in January and I'm on a roll with my new approach to my diet. She made quite a few nice comments on how I was looking tonight which makes me happy, but it also makes me sad because I know she's beating herself up inside thinking that she should be looking the same way I do. I can just tell she's having the mental struggle that I've had so many times. She just seems bummed.

Tonight at dinner I didn't drink, ordered the salmon and had frozen yogurt at the ice cream shop instead of ice cream. I watched her waver back and forth, but ultimately she chose a salad and frozen yogurt as well. I was proud of her, but I know she didn't do it because she wanted to. She did it because she felt like she had to make good choices because I was making good choices, and she was afraid people would judge her if she decided on something else. That sucks.

It sucks because I love her and I want her to make good choices because it makes her feel good to make those choices, not because she feels obligated to. It sucks because I know she didn't even like her salad and she probably feels screwed out of a nice dinner. It sucks because the truth is, no one at that table would ever judge her for the choices she makes. We love her and want to see her happy and healthy, but damn it if she wants a cheeseburger I want her to have a cheeseburger.

Ultimately I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. I want us to find that groove where we're both losing and confident and happy. I want to cheer her on and motivate her and have her do the same for me. But she's just not ready for that right now and if I push it to hard she'll just get annoyed and frustrated. Sometimes I'll suggest going to the gym together or making a healthy dinner and she's all for it, and sometimes it's like she just gets annoyed that I'm even bringing it up. I don't know how to handle it because I suck at the fine art of compassion. Even when I intimately know the struggle she's facing, I just want her to do what I'm doing. I'm trying, but maybe I'm just rotten on the inside. I don't know. It's a fine line, but I guess I just have to walk it. I love my sister and I want her to be happy with herself no matter what she weighs. I think she probably needs to confront some emotional stuff, but I'm the last person to help with that because I need to confront that shit as well. Sucks.

Anyway, I guess I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and try to set a good example for her and my dad and my mom. Things are going well for now, so let me do my woo hoo carrots part of the post.

I'm down 1.5 lbs this week for a total of 5.5 lbs in 4 weeks of the challenge. I'm stoked about the loss and am going to continue to abstain from alcohol for as long as possible, even though I died a tiny bit inside when I couldn't have a glass of wine at dinner. Okay not really, it was actually fine, but still that's the hardest part for me. I just love a good night out to dinner with some wine, ya know? I've worked out seven times this week so far with a run planned for tomorrow with the boy to make it eight. I did have pizza for lunch today and some chocolate earlier in the week, but I've kept my portions small and think I'm well within my calorie range for the amount of exercise I'm doing. I'm a little tired from it all, but here it is 10:20 on Friday night and I'm getting ready to go to bed in a little while. I'm such an old lady.

I hope things are good with you all. Keep it up and stay focused!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Beyond Hot

People, I live in Denver. We have some of the best weather in the States. I mean, sure we have our share of snow in the winter, but we also have more sunny days than San Diego. We have all four seasons, and they are beautiful. When I lived in D.C. I realized just how awesome the weather in Denver is. That's why we're a city full of thin, outdoorsy types. But this weekend!

What am I supposed to do with 102 on Saturday and 103 on Sunday? I can't go on a long bike ride. I'll die. I can't go on a long run. I'll die. I can barely even walk the dogger. I took him out this morning, like I always do on Saturday morning, for a long walk. And he turned around about halfway down the block. Poor little guy just couldn't take it.

We're going to the new house today for the sellers to "show us the ropes," so it'll be interesting to see what the house feels like in this heat. I'm excited because she's going to show me the vegetable garden and what she's done with all of the flowers. I really hope I can keep everything alive. I've never really experienced what it's like to have a yard and a garden, but I just can't wait. We move on August 1, and I'm literally counting down the days. Our first time in a real house!

As far as the heat goes, I guess I'm going to have to head into the air conditioned gym. I'm on a roll with eating and working out right now and I don't want to mess that up because I tried to overdo it on a hot day. Hope everyone has a great weekend planned. Stay focused!

Thursday, July 13, 2006


Quick post to say I lost three pounds this week to make it to 179! I haven't seen the 170's since February of 2005, when I hit my low weight of 176. Alas, I only stayed there for a few weeks. Not this time though, I'm keeping on keeping on and I hope to hit the 160's in the next 6 weeks.

I still have a pretty hardcore goal of 25 lbs for this 12 week challenge, and so far, three weeks in, I've lost 4 lbs. Obviously I'm not hitting my target of 2 lbs a week, but like I said before, I like to aim high so that even if I don't make my goal, I'll still be losing.

Today is the first attempt at the two-a-day workouts - I did a high intensity interval run for about 25 minutes this morning and I'm going to the gym after work to hit the weights. Have a great day everyone and keep pushing! We can do this!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


So...I'm back from my trip. All things considered, I think I did a pretty damn good job. I mean I definitely indulged, but I never really overdid it and I'm hopeful I'll still see a maintain or even a loss this week. As soon as I got back I got right back on track and tried to catch up on my sleep. I still don't feel 100% as far as that's concerned, but otherwise I feel good.

Tonight I met with the trainer and we talked about my game plan for the next fourteen weeks (because that's how long I have until my wedding, OMG!). I'm going to incorporate some two a day workouts, even if that means 15-20 minutes of high intensity cardio in the morning and then steady state cardio or weights in the evening. This should help keep my metabolism burning all day. On top of that, I've got to up my veggies again. I mean I'm still doing the salad in the morning thing, but he wants me to eat a good chunk of veggies at every single meal. It's going to be tough and at times not all that appetizing. But I know it will help keep me full and prevent me from eating too many calories.

So I'm keeping on keeping on with the AFW challenge, even though I did end up gaining 1 lb last week. My next weigh in is on Thursday though, so we shall see how that goes. In the meantime I'm just going to try to do what I know I need to do and focus on myself. The rest should come naturally.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Family Ties

Hrmph. I don't think I'm going to lose tomorrow. It's only Week 2 of this challenge and I seem to have screwed it up already. I may even gain. Lame. My big problem is that I strayed from the no alcohol except on special occasions thing and it really did screw me up.

We closed on the house on Thursday, so I had two glasses of wine. That was okay though right? Well then Saturday night we went out to celebrate, and I ended up drinking quite a few beers. And then yesterday was a holiday, and we went to a friend's BBQ, and I ended up drinking way too many beers. And having some cookies, and chips and dip, and blah blah blah. It wasn't good. And this morning I was all set to have a really low cal day and work out after work, but of course we have no food in the house since we are getting ready to go to Texas and we haven't gone to the grocery store, and I had to work late so the gym was out and Annie's Cafe was in.

I know it's all a bunch of lame excuses but I like doing the woo hoo carrots thing rather than bitching about falling off the wagon. So I'll weigh in tomorrow and probably maintain or gain, and that's going to make achieving my goals for this challenge extremely difficult. I'm going to do everything I can to climb back on the wagon, but we're going to Texas tomorrow, and going to Texas and eating well just don't mix for me right now.

Here's the backstory. I was born in this town, Midland, in west Texas, where my mom and dad both grew up. So all of my grandparents and cousins and etc. still live there, along with my dad and my stepmom and stepsisters. My mom and dad got divorced when I was six, then my mom remarried and moved us to Denver. I was born in Midland, but I consider Denver my home. I grew up here, I went to school here, I'm planning my future here, and I love it here. But going to Midland has always been a part of my life. When my sister and I were still little, we'd go for the entire summer to stay with my dad. My mom said we used to come back about 10 lbs heavier every year, and she'd have to work for months for us to get back down to a normal (but still chubby) weight.


Because my dad didn't know what else to do with us. He was a single guy just trying to manage two little girls who he barely ever got to see. So he made fed us Taco Villa and chili dogs and fritos with ranch dressing (seriously, could it get any worse than fritos with ranch dressing?). And my sister and I binged because the food made everything okay for a minute. It made us forget how unhappy my dad was and how hard it was for us to cope with the bitterness he had toward my mother.

Eating has just become a way of life for my sister and I when we go to Texas. There isn't much else to do when we go visit our dad, so we go out to eat. It's just how we relate to each other. We go out to lunch, then popcorn and candy at the movies, then out to dinner, then out to ice cream, and by the end of the day we just all roll into bed like fatty fatty two by fours. It's disgusting and I hate the bad habits we've learned while we're down there. But every time it's like something just kicks in and we forget who we really are. The food has some sort of weird power over us.

My dad is a big guy, and we've just recently learned he has Type II diabetes. I've tried to set a good example the past couple of times I've seen him, but bad habits are hard to break. My stepmom struggles with it more than anyone, because she's a nurse, but unfortunately you can't always tell a grown man what to do. And to top it off, she thinks if she cooks big meals for us we'll love her more, which is absolutely not the case. But I can see how my dad may have trained her to believe this.

It really just goes to show you how much your environment can shape the person you are. I know there is something to be said for nature vs. nurture, and in this case I really do think it's all nurture. I mean I will have all of the best intentions in the world, but as soon as I get in that car for the long drive, it will all go out the window. I have the same relationship with food that my dad has, and sometimes I can't seem to break free of the grasp it has on me.

We're going down there because my dad and my grandparents are throwing us an engagement party. It will be fun, because it will be me and the boy and my sister and his brother (who are dating by the way, have I mentioned that?) hanging out in the car road trippin. I'm really looking forward to seeing my family, and spending time with everyone and showing them what an amazing man I snagged (they've all met him before, but still). What I'm not looking forward to is the food situation.

I have a plan to combat the food situation, and I know exactly how it's going to go. Tomorrow morning I will go on a run before work. Then I'll have my normal healthy breakfast and lunch, come straight home, grab the crew and bags, and hit the road. Dinner will be something on the road. I'm hoping for a Subway stop so I can attempt to have a really healthy day tomorrow. But then it really starts. We'll spend the night in some podunk town in Texas or New Mexico (no offense to you guys but you don't have many healthy options). So I'm going to try to bring a Zone Bar or something of that nature instead of resorting to an egg and cheese biscuit. We'll probably have lunch on the road too, most likely another fast food joint. I'll just have to make the best decision I possibly can. And it goes on and on and on.

Basically, I'll be completely bombarded with food this entire weekend. But you know what, I do not want to gain again! I don't need it! I can have fun and enjoy being around my family without reverting to the thirteen year old binger that I used to be. I don't need food to make me comfortable or happy or okay with myself. My life is great right now, and I'm going down there to celebrate the person I am. That person makes healthy choices and goes on long runs on the weekends and is going to set a good example for her struggling father.

Okay I know this post was really long and probably boring, but I just needed to psych myself up for what I'm about to encounter this weekend. I'll be back Monday to let you know how it all went. I can do this!