Ping!

"You're pretty good at ping pong for a girl."

LOL - that's what I heard at work today. And no, sadly, it was not in reference to me. It was a coworker.

So I haven't really talked about my new job that much here except to say that I'm working a lot, but the good news is, it's at a little start-up type company and we are growing really fast, so we just moved into a new office.

Part of the move included acquiring a ping pong table, meaning there is a ton of competition and game play happening after work and during lunch breaks and what not. And of course, the boys (ahem, men) are super competitive.

I'm definitely into it too though, I'm not going to lie. The sad thing is I'm not that good, and I'm trying really hard not to feel that "last kid picked for the team" type of feeling, but sometimes I still feel inadequate because I'm just not a ping pong pro. I sort of secretly want to stay late one day and practice so I can get better, but of course that takes a partner to play with so then I'd have to tell somebody and we can't have that.

There are only four females in my office right now, and I'm probably the third best. Not that I'm ranking us or anything though of course. Heh.

Anyway, no matter how good or bad I am, it's fun to have something to get me out of my chair and get rid of that sedentary feeling I get after staring at my computer for hours upon end. But it is on. It is so on. I'm off to do some reading about strategy now. ;)

Dinner

So this weekend - blah. I had a shower for one of my good friend's at my house on Saturday and it involved lots of wine, too many snacks and some pizza. Then yesterday, for no apparent reason, I just ate crap all day. Bleh.

This morning I pulled it together and went to the gym and I've had a great day so far. I even made a pretty yummy dinner. I've made this a couple of times - you can really do any kind of pasta you have around the house and any cheese too, but today I used fettuccine and asiago cheese.

Chop up about 8 cups of fresh spinach (this is a lot, but you get your veggies in this way!)
Add 1 can of rinsed white beans, a couple of tablespoons olive oil, some asiago cheese, fresh pressed garlic, and the fettuccine. Mix together, top with a little extra Parmesan and you have yourself a lovely, healthy meal.

So I think I just needed to complain a little last night, and I'm glad I got it out, because I think I'm over it. I feel much better today. I had a good eating day today - avoided ice cream and two potentially negative food situations.

I also made it to the gym tonight, just a short interval workout on the treadmill, but it is truly amazing how getting your heart rate up for even just a little bit improves your mood.

So I'm doing some work with some high school students right now and today we met a few of them to discuss what we're doing. For a half an hour I sat and talked to a high school senior, an incredibly intelligent girl who is definitely going places.

During the half hour we talked, she consumed the following:

2 large slices of cheese pizza
One peach smoothie
Two squares of chocolate.

I assume this was approximately 1000 - 1100 calories by the looks of it all.

And this girl was a twig! Now she also plays tennis and is going through some serious growth and probably has the metabolism of a hummingbird. But wow. It made me realize just what a screwed up relationship I have with food. If I sat and ate what she just ate, I would have flogged myself and felt guilty for the entire rest of the day. I'm trying to let go of that type of behavior, but it isn't always easy.

I hope so much for that girl that she can maintain a normal relationship with food. That she doesn't gain weight, and then lose it and then do it again and again and again. That no asshole calls her fat when she's really not. That she loves and is loved, no matter what her body size.

I truly hope that for her, and for me too, and all of you guys too.

Ta ta - I'm off to watch some skinny people act like doctors. :)

Lonely Wednesday

Lonely right now. Husband is out of town and the days at work are long. I race home to spend some time with my poor little dog (who is also lonely I think) but then when I get here I wonder why I was in such a hurry. Because it's just me. Just me and a frozen dinner. And my little dog.

Gym time is basically non existent because I can't bear the idea of leaving the little guy by himself for one more minute. He even went to daycare today, but they close at 7 so I had to head back to Denver right after work instead of hitting the gym. Blah blah excuses but it really is hard to find the time, and motivation, when work is so crazy and the commute sucks so bad and I have another little life (even if it is just a dog) relying on me.

I am doing okay - I lost 1.4 last week and I think I should go down another pound or so this week too - but I just don't feel excited about it. I don't feel like woo hoo I'm kicking ass and I have my weight loss mojo and I'm totally focused and rah rah rah woo hoo carrots. I don't feel it.

I think I'm just sick of doing this. I'm sick of losing the same 15 lbs. And then gaining it. And then having to lose it again.

I'm sick of thinking about it and worrying about it and having it be such a huge part of my identity.

I want it just to be easy to not have to think about it and for the weight to just come off and finally just stay off once and for all.

But I know that's not going to happen. I know I'll always have to think about it. Always. As in - forever always. So right now, I'm thinking about it, but not too much. I'm almost on autopilot. And yes, for this week, and maybe next week, I'm doing okay and the numbers are moving in the right direction. Hopefully I can keep that happening, but I need to find that groove.

I need to find the mojo kick ass woo hoo carrots groove. I know I'll get it back at some point. But if I can keep faking it, and keep losing a pound a week while I'm at it, I think that's okay with me too.

November is Here

Hello! Hope you all had a fantastic Halloween. Mine was okay - my husband is out of town so I hung with some friends and handed out candy, but it just didn't feel the same without him around.

I didn't go to WW this week, but I may try to scoot over there tomorrow during work. I'm sure it will be a maintain/gain, but I am just doing the best I can right now so I'm okay with that.

This week I've been listening to the book Skinny Bitch on CD during my commute (which is a horrid 45 minutes each way on a good day) and I thought I'd give you all a little review here.

I didn't realize it when I bought it, but this book is predominately about becoming vegetarian/vegan. According to the sassy narrator, the only way to become a so-called "Skinny Bitch" is to completely abolish all animal meat and products from your diet.

It's interesting really, and for a couple of days I was seriously considering going vegan for a little while to see what happened. I know this subject could potentially be very controversial, and I don't want to get into all of that here, but I do like the idea of removing animal products from my diet.

I was vegetarian in high-school and college for a number of years, but added meat back into my diet because I wasn't getting enough protein. To be honest, I was what they call a "7-11 vegetarian." That means I wasn't good about substituting plant foods for animal foods. Instead, I just substituted crap foods for animal foods, and of course I gained weight during that time and I felt like crap too.

I haven't reintroduced red meat at all since that time and I have no plans to. In fact, I'd say I have at least 3-4 vegetarian days per week, as I just don't like eating meat all that much. That's what they call a "flexetarian."

But removing meat from my diet occasionally isn't going to prevent factory farming, and it isn't going to really help cleanse my body of all of the crap antibiotics and other shit that goes into meat and animal products these days.

Becoming a vegan is a huge commitment though. I mean huge. And frankly, selfishly, I just don't know if I can handle that commitment right now. Or ever. I wish I could, but I can readily admit that I can't.

The book did get through to me on a number of levels though, and I have been thinking about cleaning up my diet in terms of reducing animal products, sugar and sugar substitutes. Specifically, I've decided to cut out all sugar substitutes, at least for a little while.

This means no more aspartame. No more Splenda. No more diet soda, no more sugar free energy drinks, no more fake desserts. It's going to be hard because I rely on these things a lot on WW, but I know this will be good for my body. I know I do not need to be putting all that chemical crap in me.

I started on Tuesday, and so far, it hasn't been that bad. I've ordered iced tea at restaurants, no soda, and I haven't really missed it. I may miss it moving forward, but at this point, I feel truly good about my decision to eliminate this shit from my diet.

A couple of days is one thing, but forever is another, so I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I'm enjoying a nice glass of red wine tonight. No aspartame in that right? :)

Anyway, the book was interesting and informative and I may well adopt some of the practices it suggests, but not all of them. It did open my eyes to all of the processed crap and other shit I've been putting into my body, so all in all, I think it was a great thing to be exposed to.

Now I'm off to watch my recorded Biggest Loser and hit the sack early. Bye!

Weigh In Day

Gained 1 lb. Boo!

I'm okay with it it though considering the circumstances of the past few weeks - tapering for my run, running the race, and then going on vacation to celebrate my anniversary and the run.

And, I was wearing jeans at weigh-in today, which I never do, so I'm sure that accounted for some of it.

I think I'm going to try to start going to WW on Wednesday's or Thursday's from now on, so hopefully next week I can post a loss.

Tonight we watched the Rockies get their asses handed to them in the first game of the World Series. Hopefully we'll do better tomorrow. Anyway, just a quick post - I'm off to bed.

Gym tomorrow morning, then work and fully OP day. Sleep tight!

My First Half Marathon: Race Report

I guess I should be honest - this wasn't just my first half marathon, it was my first real race. I did the Race for the Cure 5K with my sister the week before, but that was a whole different ballgame.

The week before the race I was feeling good - a little antsy from lack of workouts but altogether not bad. The day before the race, Saturday, I had a normal breakfast, big pasta lunch, and probably not the greatest dinner - a black bean burger (with french fries, eek!) but I was fully loaded with all the carbs I needed and ready to go.

The weather looked like it was going to be perfect running weather on Saturday morning, but that all changed on Saturday night. The rain started, and it did not stop. It got harder, and the temperature plummeted.

I got downtown early to meet my running group and warm up, and believe me that warm-up was sorely needed. I started out with cheap-o knit gloves, long pants, a long sleeve tech shirt, a long sleeve t-shirt over that, and a windbreaker over that. Oh and of course a hat.

I stood in line at the port-a-potty for about 15 minutes, realized I wasn't going to make it if I wanted to start on time, and headed for the starting line. The gun went off (okay there was no gun, but we started) and the rain continued to fall. I was feeling good though and excited that I was actually about to do this!

I started out pretty slow, just trying to get my legs and make sure I didn't bonk. The Denver Marathon and Half Marathon are amazing because they take you on a great tour of the city, and I was having fun pointing out various landmarks to my buds in my running group. There's my hair salon, there's my favorite restaurant, etc. I'm a dork, what can I say.

Around mile 3 I started getting a little warm, so I tossed my little gloves and my long sleeve shirt at an aid station and put my windbreaker around my waist. That lasted for about 4 minutes, at which point I realized I was going to be drowned if I didn't put my rain protection back on.

I was starting to get really cold around mile 5 and dreading the run up the 17th st. hill, but I was energized when I saw my husband and my sister on the sidelines cheering for me. It turns out this was the first of many times I would see their smiling faces throughout the race, cheering me on even though it was freezing cold. The race was also my anniversary and my husband had made some super cute signs for me and was so incredibly supportive. It meant everything for me to see them out there shivering in the cold waiting for me.

I also saw my friend I. at about mile 7, cheering me on with a megaphone, which was partly hilarious and partly embarrassing, but really great. She was cheering on all of the runners, which makes having your name on your number really awesome. It's so great having someone cheer you on by name.

Miles 8 - 11 were really tough - we ran around City Park and back downtown and by this time I was frozen solid and my right hip and knee were starting to hurt - I think my muscles just couldn't get warm and they were rebelling. My pace was really starting to suffer too - I think I did mile 9 in like 14 minutes - that's like a turtle's pace. But it was all I could muster given the situation.

By the time we had 2 miles left, I knew I was going to make it and I was just trying to finish and get warm. I tried to speed up over the last mile, but I started sprinting to early and had to slow it down just before the end.

Seeing the finish line was one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had in my life.I had accomplished a huge goal of mine - something I'd been training for for a full four months, and I was done!

My official finishing time was 2:53:28, well under the three hours I wanted to finish under, but still pretty darn slow. No matter though, I finished, and that's all I really wanted. My mom, sister, her boyfriend and my husband were all at the finish line trying and I stopped to hug them all and thank them for all of there support. Once I stopped running, I had to limp around because my muscles were so cold, but I didn't care, I was finished and I had a medal to prove it!

I changed clothes in the car and we headed to breakfast, where we consumed lots of Bloody Mary's with friends and enjoyed the warmth. It was a hard, cold day, but I wouldn't take it back for anything, and frankly, I've never been prouder of myself. I ran 13.1 miles. And not that many people do that.

Anyway, that's the story of my first half-marathon, which may very well be my last as well. I haven't decided if I've been bitten by the so-called running bug or not in terms of additional races, but I know I'll at least keep doing it. I like that I can run that far. Or even just run ten minutes for that matter.

As a side note - I decided to go to WW tomorrow or Thursday instead of today because of a crazy work schedule, so I'll let you know how my weigh-in goes once it happens.

P.S. Thank you so much to everyone who stops by and reads this blog even though my posts are sporadic at best. Your support means so much to me - it's so great to know there are others out there going through the same things I am. You guys are the best!

Snowy Sunday

Wowee. It is snowing here in Denver. Big, beautiful, wet flakes. And I'm sitting on my couch, enjoying a delicious cup of coffee and deciding what I'm up to this beautiful Sunday morning. I know I have to hit Whole Paycheck and stock up on healthy groceries for the week, and my sister and I discussed a possible yoga class. All I know is that I need to get back on the healthy eating track this week - starting today!

Since the half marathon last Sunday, I've pretty much given myself free reign to eat whatever I want, and in all honesty, it hasn't really been that bad. I got on the scale this morning and was up a little less than 2 lbs, but I think with a couple of days of getting rid of some bloat and chugging water, that should go away. Which reminds me, I do have a race report to get out, and I hope to get it out tonight.

We got back from the mountains on Thursday afternoon after an amazing, relaxing time. I got a massage and a fantastic pedicure, which I sorely needed after running 13 miles in the freezing rain. I also experienced some hot/cold therapy, going from cold showers to a hot sauna, and came out feeling so rejuvenated. I'm actually going to try that on my own at home sometime - the cold is really hard to bear, but it just gets your heart pumping and feels so great on your muscles. I really recommend it - after a particularly tough workout, try a cold shower (for just a minute) then immediately hop into a sauna or steam room if you have it, then end with the cold again. You can do the cycle as much as you want, as long as you're feeling good, according to my massage therapist. Fantastic! (*I know I don't have to tell you I'm not a doctor, etc. so please be careful if you try this).

I've spent the past couple of days since getting back from the mountains just enjoying being lazy, including visiting the brand new Nordstrom that opened up in the Cherry Creek Mall and picking up some adorable flats with a buckle on the toe. I can't find them online right now, so you'll just have to trust me that they are super cute.

I also babysat my friend's 3 month old twins for the afternoon yesterday, and I am officially not ready for children. Not yet at least. Maybe when I hit the big 3-0, but even then I'm not sure. It was fun babysitting, but also fun leaving!

Okay, I'm off to get through my day. Hope you all had a fantastic weekend and are enjoying your Sundays! Look for a race report tonight!

Success!

Hi guys. Quick post to let you know that I successfully finished the half marathon, and I did it in under 3 hours, which was my goal. Woo hoo! The weather was miserable, 40 degrees Fahrenheit and raining, but I made it through.

I'm now in Beaver Creek relaxing with my hubby, so I'll post full race report report when i get back. In the meantime, have a great week!

Pre-Race Jitters!

Whew! This has been a crazy week. I had to go to Atlanta for work, so no WW for me. I've been checking my home scale and I think I'm pretty much maintaining this week. Which is fine with me considering I'm tapering for my race this week so I'm not getting in a whole lot activity.

Tomorrow is the big day - 13.1 miles. I'm not going to lie - I'm nervous as hell. The longest I've ever done in my training runs was just about 11 miles. I know 2 more isn't going to kill me. But that 11 miles was hard. And it was weeks ago. And I know I've been doing my training, but I just keep wondering, was it enough? Did I do everything I could have done? I certainly wasn't perfect.

Anyway, today I'm just trying to relax and visualize myself doing well. I just took the dogger on a walk to get some coffee, had some Kashi waffles for breakfast, and now I'm watching Boyz in da Hood. Hey, it's on TV, and it's a good movie!

This afternoon I'm going to go with some friends to pick up my race packet, drive the race course so I can see what I'm in for, eat a big pasta lunch. I was told to have my big meal today be lunch, and then something small but hearty for dinner, so that way I don't end up literally having the runs during the race. :) I know that was a bad joke, but I just had to do it.

Then it's early to bed, hopefully I'll be able to sleep, but I'm sure the nerves are going to make it hard. I'm meeting my training group at 7:15 to warm up, and then the race starts at 8. I'll try to do a race report sometime tomorrow, but we'll see how I feel. It is my one year anniversary after all, so hopefully I'll be basking in the glow of just finishing a great race and enjoying my husband. We're heading to Beaver Creek to celebrate first thing on Monday morning, and I can't wait! It's the off season in the mountains right now, cold but there isn't enough snow to ski yet, so rooms are cheap. Cheap enough that we're staying in the Ritz! Woo hoo!

Hope you all are well and have a great weekend! Wish me luck!

Run run run

TGIF! I am so glad it's Friday. After a long, crazy week at work it just feels so nice to sit and enjoy a glass of wine and contemplate my weekend.

Sorry I didn't check in earlier in the week - I can tell you that I gained .6 at WW. Boo! That brings my loss since I joined to only 6 lbs total. Oh well, I guess it could be worse. I was back on track after weigh-in but had a pretty craptastic day yesterday. Today has been better, although I'm pretty low on points and I haven't had dinner. It will have to be something small.

Anywho, this weekend should be fun. Only one week left until my half marathon, so I'm tapering down and trying to get psyched. Frankly, I'm sort of freaking out and getting really nervous, but I think I've done the training and I should be able to handle it.

This Sunday I'm doing the Race for the Cure with my sister, and I can't believe this, but that will be my first experience with an organized race. It's a huge one too - they expect more than 50,000 people downtown just for the race! So that's a 5K, and then I have a week of fairly easy runs on my training calendar, and the half mary is next Sunday, October 14! Scary. I know it's going to be a lot more hardcore than the Race for the Cure, but at least I'll get some experience with the race format, the crowds, etc.

The boy and I are currently trying to figure out what we're going to do tonight. Tomorrow is a little bit of shopping, cleaning, and then I'll head over and pick up my race packet. Tomorrow night will be some pasta to prep for the run and then we go. It's supposed to be only like 50 degrees (F) and rainy, so I'm not looking forward to that, but I am looking forward to some hot coffee and a yummy brunch afterward. Wish me luck! And have a great weekend!

We have organizations!

Aaah Monday. Don't always love it, but I was actually almost happy to get back to work after a crazy weekend. Okay that's a lie that I'm telling myself in attempt to remain positive, but I guess it isn't so bad really.

This weekend was chock full of activity, but all good. I had an hour 45 minute run on Saturday, which went really well and I was really happy with, especially considering I had three glasses of wine on Friday night. I then spent most of the rest of the day on Saturday moving my pantry items from my dining room, where they've been stacked on various step stools and chairs and what not for the past 8 weeks during the kitchen remodel, to the new cabinets. It feels so good to actually have a place to put everything!

And as you can see - I'm actually organized. I also moved all of our food, which, admittedly, isn't a lot right now, into our shiny new refrigerator. It is so beautiful and bright and white. I just love it. So of course, I had to show it off with some pics. Yay!

We still don't have an oven or dishwasher or anything and they're still doing lots of work, but at least we're getting closer. I'd take a picture of myself, curled up on the couch watching Heroes, but I went on a run after work in the rain tonight and I am not a pretty picture right now.

On that note, I'm off to snuggle with the boy and enjoy my evening. Hope you all enjoy yours!

Weekend!

Hey guys. Okay so today was good, although it probably could have been better but hey, that's pretty much every day at this point.

This morning I woke up and got ready for the day, which started by welcoming the painters to paint the kitchen. Most of you know this, but for those who don't, I've been without a kitchen for the last seven weeks or so. We are on the home stretch, but I have to say, living without a kitchen is really not conducive to weight loss. Eating out all of the time is just not good.

So suffice it to say, I am very excited, because the kitchen got painted today, and our new frig and microwave are getting delivered tomorrow. After that, it's just the backsplash, finishing the floor, and then we're finally done! Hooray!

So anyway, we finalized the paint, and off I went to work. I had a busy but great day at work, and went to visit an amazing gym over my lunch break. I'm definitely joining this gym. It has two pools! One indoor, one outdoor, and the outdoor one is heated all winter! Yes!

After work I had a glass of wine with some colleagues and then an amazing small plate dinner with my hubby, including a delectable cheese plate. mmmmm...... cheese.....

So now he went to meet some friends, and I'm getting ready to tuck in early since I have to get up for an hour 45 minute run in the morning. All I have to say is, thank god this half marathon is getting close. I love running, but I swear, I cannot get up at 6 a.m. on Saturday mornings anymore!

Tomorrow is my run, waiting for the appliance guy, and then a passion party! OMG I do not want to go to a passion party. I told my friend I would though, so I think I'm just going to have to have a LOT of vodka to get through it all.

For those who don't know, a passion party is when someone comes and shows a bunch of silly girls a bunch of "toys" for various uses. It's not really my thing, but I think I can handle it. in fact, I'm just going to try to make it as much fun as possible. I mean, what is life really if you can't make it as fun as possible.

I think I may be over my flex points for the week, but I'm going to try to make this weekend a good one and just do the absolute best I can. Anyway, hope you all have a great weekend!

Hi

I'm back. I guess I couldn't take that long of a break. I just miss writing. And I miss you guys! If anyone is still coming around here.

Things are good with me actually. I joined Weight Watchers again about three weeks ago and it is going well so far. Going to WW is interesting to say the least.

I've done the online program before, but I've never been to the meetings. To be honest with you, it feels a little bit like pre-school. I mean, the second week, when they were talking about activity points and working out, and I was thinking about the fact that I ran 8 miles the Saturday before, and the whole "park further away from the meeting" thing just sounded so silly.

But it's not silly, because I wouldn't be there, sitting in the meeting, if I was in perfect shape and at my goal weight and as physically fit as I wanted to be.

And I'm not where I want to be yet, so I am back at WW and I'm actually making an effort to participate in meetings and listen to what they have to say.

Things are good so far. I've lost a total of 6.6 lbs in those three weeks. So that's good. The first week was amazing, the last two weeks have been okay. Kind of slow and steady, although I know I could be doing better. But I know I'm doing a lot better than I had been, so that's good.

Training for the half marathon is going well, it's really tapering down now. I've skipped quite a few of my weekday runs lately due to boredom and business, but I'm getting all of my long runs and I feel ready to run the race. I'm nervous, no doubt, but I'm feeling good and I'm excited to get an actual race under my belt.

I'm also excited to get it over with, to be frank. I still haven't joined a gym, but I've been looking, and the idea of getting to some classes, taking yoga and lifting weights and maybe kickboxing and swimming and spinning just makes me happy. I miss working it out at the gym.

So I'm going to do that.

The half marathon is in 3 weeks. By that time, I'm hoping to be down a few more pounds, but most of all I'm hoping to be just feeling fresh and happy and ready to go. That day, I'll celebrate my one year anniversary with my amazing husband, and I'll complete a goal I've been working toward for a long time.

Then, I'll go to the Ritz! In Beaver Creek! Woo hoo! We're going to relax, hike, relax, hike, and just enjoy being together. And I cannot wait!

So I'm back now, and I'm weighing in on Tuesdays and/or Wednesdays depending on my crazy work schedule, so I'll try to update here. I'm also going to try to make a sidebar or something like that so I can keep better track of my weigh ins.

I'm also going to try to come around here more often, probably not every day, but more than I have been!

Taking a Break

Hi guys. Sorry I haven't been around. Work and life in general has just been overwhelming and blogging is taking a backseat. I do plan on coming back full force, but right now I'm going to take a little blogging break. I'll still be reading though, so don't you guys quit on me like I'm doing.

And don't worry - I'm still working on losing - I actually decided to go back to Weight Watchers last week, and I lost four pounds this week!

So I'm not gone, just in hiding for a little bit. Be back soon!

ETA: You can still reach me at myfutureme@gmail.com if you want!

Gyms

So yesterday I did the bodyweight workout right? OMG I am SO sore. It's really kind of sad. I mean, I've been running, but I haven't done any weights in at least six weeks. And I can feel it for sure. It's crap. It makes me realize how much fitness I lose when I stop doing a variety of workouts every week.

Sure, my running is better, but my pushups are pretty much pathetic.

So I think it may be time to join a gym again. I'm going to keep the running up of course, until the half marathon in October, but I'm going to try to throw in some classes and weights and yoga and what not here and there. Now I just have to figure out what gym I'm going to join. That's no fun.

Tonight I did some speedwork and feel pretty good about it, although it was shorter than I wanted it to be. I started way too late and I kind of just wanted to get home and have some dinner. Umm and some tootsie rolls. Okay so there's only so much healthy living I can do. :) I'll get there...

Back

Umm hi.

Sorry I've been gone so long. Life has been absolutely insane and blogging - and the tiny losing streak I was on, has been pretty much put on the back burner.

I started a new job on August 1. And we're redoing our kitchen. And the boy's been out of town. And then I was out of town. Blah blah blah it was crazy.

Anyway, yeah. I've been running though, and I've actually been doing pretty good with that. Last weekend we went to Calistoga for a a wedding, and the boy and I ran along this beautiful road past tons and tons of vineyards. I would put some pictures up but I don't have any because I was running. It started out as the most sucky run ever. It was Saturday morning at 7:30 and I didn't wanna run. I did not wanna! I was on vacation.

But I put my shoes on and walked out the door. I was planning on following this trail suggested by the hotel but when we got out on the road, there was nothing. Nothing but, well, road.

And it was a busy road. Turns out the Silverado Trail is not so much a trail. It's more like a highway.

But we decided to stick to the side and run, because the hotel recommended it. We got going and I was feeling okay, but sort of dreading the length of the run. One hour and fifty minutes is a long time to be running. But I had my watch and I was timing ten minute intervals, so I was going to be okay.

And then my watch battery died. I threw a fit. I was pissed. I yelled at the boy. It wasn't his fault but I yelled at him. I was pissed that I had to run on my vacation. I was pissed that I had to wake up early. I was pissed that I had to run down a busy road. I was pissed that my watch battery died.

I was just pissed.

But the boy talked me off of the ledge, I realized I was acting like an asshole, and I just decided to run.

In the end it was a really good run. I think we did about eight miles, and it was nice running with my husband. Totally annoying that he hasn't run in three months and he was able to do eight miles, but fun nonetheless. And the scenery was gorgeous.

So now I'm back home and happy to just be here, but I have no kitchen so the food situation is pretty dire. In fact, it pretty much sucks.

I've been trying to figure it out, I have a toaster and a microwave, so that's good, but if anyone has suggestions on healthy things to eat sans kitchen, I would love them!

So sorry I haven't been commenting for you guys, but I'm off to read now. Hope all is well

ETA: I actually found some pics I took with my phone. The first one is me holding the phone in front my my face - mid run. The second is the beautiful view. I loved the fog by the way, so nice to run in cool weather like that!

Burgled!

TGIF! Although my Friday's are strangely different now that I've started training for this half marathon. I mean I was never a crazy partier out until 4 a.m. (I like sleeping too much) but now on Friday's I try to be in bed by 10:30 or so. I have to get up at six for crying out loud and go run a billion miles. Okay not a billion, but I'm running for an hour and 55 minute tomorrow. Holy crap.

I'm off work early this afternoon, but honestly, I haven't been doing all that much work for my current job - I've really already started doing things for my new gig. I don't start officially until August 1, but I'm helping out here and there before then. I'm so excited and cannot wait to get started. Nervous about the fact that I'll be working with almost all men, but I think I can handle it. I'm confident in my abilities. And it's nice to know that I am good at my job, and I can get out there and do something different and be recognized for my brains and my ability to help a growing company. Well I hope so at least!

I feel good about running, good about my eating and good about things in general, except for the fact that our garage got burglarized this week. Boo!

We live in an old neighborhood and have a detached garage, and I think they jumped the fence into our backyard and went in through the unlocked door. Eh. Guess it teaches us the lesson to always lock all of the doors. They stole both of our bikes (nice road bikes too!) our lawnmower than the boy spent hours perusing Craig's List for, and all of our tools. At least a couple thousand dollars worth of stuff, and our insurance deductible is so high that it's not really even going to help anything.

I've been trying to remain positive about it, but I tell ya, I'm really bummed about the bike. I'm running right now, but I don't belong to a gym currently and that was at least one other exercise option. Now I'm stuck with running, walking, or videos, which I absolutely despise. I'm sure I'll get another bike eventually, but it's really not in the cards right now since we're redoing our kitchen in the middle of all of this.

The worst thing about it is the feeling of just being violated. I hate knowing people were in there, even if it is detached from the house, while I was sleeping.

So that sucks, but I'm trying to move on. I'm off to get a pizza for my friend who just had twins, drop it off for her and her husband, then meet the girls for one drink (can't be drinking too much the night before a long run.) Tomorrow is the run, then granite shopping, a nap and seeing a friend's band play tomorrow night. Should be a fun weekend!

Loss!

Quick post before I head to work to let you know I lost 2.6 lbs this week for my first week of the challenge with team Skinny Minnies. Woo hoo. I am stoked! Let's see, since I last posted I also did a 4 mile time trial on Saturday (found out my goal pace for the half marathon is going to be about 12:30/mile). I'm slow, but hey, at least I'm doing it.

I also got offered a new job this week and quit my current job (last day is next Friday). Seems like there's a lot of people out there with new jobs - it's exciting and freakishly scary at the same time. But more on that when I have more time.

Hope you all are well, and good luck to all of the challenge members!

Commentary

Hello! So I started a challenge with Kim and Jodi and I'm feeling pretty great about it so far. I mean, it's only been two days, but I like how I'm feeling. Apparently I'm not looking that great though, because my mom dropped off a salad for me today at the office - we were supposed to go out to lunch but I got too busy - and she said I looked really tired.

I'm okay with it because it's my mom and she's allowed to tell me I look tired and be concerned about my well being. She actually asked me if I'm running too much, now that's something I never thought I'd hear. But yeah, other people, not so much.

What is it with passive aggressive people who say shit like that right to your face? I mean let's say you get a new haircut, and someone says to you

"Did you get a new haircut? (So at this point, they've clearly noticed the haircut)
You say "yeah, I did."

Then they just don't say anything. Or they say, "oh." Or "that's nice."

Well clearly they think your haircut sucks. So why bring it up in the first place right?

I just don't roll like that. Sure I make snarky comments about people all of the time, but I do it in the privacy of my own home. Or in my office. At least I judge quietly. Dammit.

So why am I on this rant? I have no idea. I was actually in a good mood for a few hours in the office today, which is more than I can say about the rest of the week. Running is going well, and I'm doing a 4 mile time trial on Saturday to help me gauge my expected pace for the half marathon. And I'm actually excited about it!

Now if it would just be the weekend already...

Love

Wow. July 4th on a Wednesday? Not a big fan. Today felt like a Monday all over again. But at least tomorrow's Friday, so it's all good.. We're dog sitting for my parents right now, and the dog is just ridiculously sad and misses my mom so much. She's just precious and cute, but really whiny. And pretty darn spoiled. Unfortunately I'm not getting a lot of sleep right now, because she wakes up twenty million times a night looking for my mom.

So between that, and the beers and the chips yesterday, I woke up today feeling icky poo poo, as Perez would say. I was dreading my group run tonight, but it actually went fairly well. We did our warm ups, and then 3 sets of 15 minutes each, with 6 sets of 15 second strides. The last 15 minute set was a little rough and I had to walk a tiny bit up one of the hills, but I made it. A girl in my group said we did about 5 miles total, including the warm up, so I'm pretty excited about that.

I've now done 5 mile runs twice in the past week! Wow, I have got to say that I really rock. I also did a 16 mile bike ride yesterday, so hopefully that helped offset the crazy amount of food I ate at my friend's BBQ yesterday. Still need to work on that part, but I got back on track today so that's all good.

The boy and I had a big talk last night about how I approach food when it comes to social events. It's like when I get to a party, or a social gathering, or even just dinner with friends, all of the sudden my knowledge of nutrition and my ability to make good choices just flies out the window. I think I use food to compensate for some level of social unease. It's like if I just hover by the chips and dip, I won't have to mingle and wonder if anyone wants to talk to me. I never consciously think that when I'm at a party, but for some reason it always tends to happen.

So I'm going to try to work on that, and I'm going to try to work on the guilt thing that takes control of me if I do end up straying from my plan a bit. Negative self-talk is killing me, and I just can't do it anymore. I need to love myself. And it starts now!

Under Pressure

Hello! Sorry I've been MIA all week. I have no excuse, work is just really busy and yadda yadda yadda. I did start my weekly half marathon training though, and I lost 2 lbs this week! So that's a good start. The training is going really well, and although I'm one of the slowest people in the group, it's okay because I'm doing it, and that's what matters.

This morning we ran five miles. Actually, I think that's the longest I've ever run in my entire life. All this working out, and I've never run that far. Wow. So it was tough, and I was definitely struggling by the end up the last hill, but compared to last Saturday, I was a super star. So that feels good.

I've been reading a lot about nutrition and what not for longer distance running and I've decided that this may not be conducive to my desire to lose weight. I know a lot of runners have a tendency to over compensate for the calories they burn during their runs, and I have a feeling I might be one of those people. Just because I burned almost 1000 calories today doesn't mean I have license to go eat anything I want.

So I'm going to have to work on that. I'm going to have to increase quantity slightly to keep up with training, but it needs to be good stuff. No ice cream! Okay maybe sometimes.

It's weird how my insecurities really come pouring out when I'm running, but then suddenly, whether it's halfway through or when I'm finished, I feel so incredible and confident. I swear on the drive home this morning, I was crazy. Maybe my brain didn't have enough glucose or something, but I was trying to do the math and figure out how fast I was running (I didn't stop my watch right after we finished, but I think about 12 minute miles, maybe 12:30). Anyway, so I was trying to figure out the math, and before I knew it, I had driven probably 6 miles. It's like my mind goes to this far away place after a run, and all of my cares just fly away. And I can focus on silly math instead of worrying about my job or my weight or my house or all of those other things.

I learned I should probably pay more attention when I'm driving home, but I also learned that running is really great therapy for me. Life seems okay after a run. Like all is good and right with the world.

Don't ya just love exercise. I think this commercial explains it nicely.



I'm off to H0me Dep0t, lunch, then a nice nap. Hope you all have a great weekend!

16 Weeks...

So this morning I woke up at 6:30 or so, after tossing and turning most of the night and generally getting a horrible night's sleep. I don't know if I was just anxious about running this morning, or if my body was revolting from all the cheese I had on my pizza for dinner last night, or what it was, but I just did not sleep.

So as you can imagine, by about 9:00, I was feeling pretty tired. Let me back up though. I arrived at the meeting location by about 7:45, because we were told registration was between 7:30 and 9:00 and to get! there! early!

Well I got there early. Way too early it seems, because things weren't quite as busy as they made it seem. I picked up my fun team Denver marathon training outfits (baby blue, not super cute) and changed in the locker room. After waiting around for an hour or so, the coaches finally started talking and we separated into teams.

My team is made up of people who are doing the marathon or half marathon and plan to run 10, 11 or higher minute miles. After doing some fun warm ups and calisthenics, we finally set out to run at about 10:15 or so. And by this point, it was HOT. So hot. Ridiculously hot.

But I was okay. I was going to do this. My coach, C. had decided in advance she wanted our team to turn around at the 3.5 mile marker just because of the heat and our late start, so I didn't really have the option to do the 5 miler. Which it turns out, was just fine by me.

I started out pretty good I thought, but on what I now realize was a slight downhill, thus the easiness of the pace. I met a girl who lives in my neighborhood who was about my pace (she ended up finishing a little before I did, but we're close). We ran together until the turnaround, and that's when things started getting rough.

Just before the turnaround was a HUGE hill, and with the sun beating down, I started struggling. A lot of people did though. I think I let my heart rate get a little too high at this point, and I started dying for some water. There was Gatorade at the turnaround, but it just tasted too sweet and sugary for me.

The way home down the hill was okay, but by the end when we started going uphill again, I had to stop and walk quite a bit. Of course I forgot my heart rate monitor/watch, so I have no idea how long it ended up taking me. I would guess at least 45 minutes, if not more.

I met my mom and little sis for lunch, came home and showered and crashed into a nap for 2+ hours. I just took the dogger on a walk and I'm contemplating dinner since the boy is headed to a Bachelor Party (yikes). I'm kind of tempted to just do a Lean Cuisine or something since it's easy, but that seems kind of lame for a Saturday night. I should probably at least have something that requires an oven or a stovetop, right?

Overall I'm not super happy with how the first day of training went, but honestly, I'm just glad I got it done. I think next week will be better; I won't be nervous about meeting people so hopefully I'll sleep better, and we start at 7, not 10, so it should be quite a bit cooler.

The one thing I did realize today is that I have NOT been pushing myself on hills. In fact, I don't think I've even really attempted any hills. So if we continue to do hilly routes, that will be a big change for me. But I think it's a change I'm willing to embrace. I'm excited to have a team to train with, and I've already met a few women who I think will be great running partners. Now to get through the next 16 weeks!

Chillin

Had a great week this week until today, and then I think the stress of work and about a million other things caught up with me and I caved at lunch and ordered a grilled cheese. And then the boy and I had pizza for dinner. But I counted up the calories and I'm actually stil only at about 1900, so not as bad as it could have been. Especially considering I start the half marathon training tomorrow. I think I'm burning calories right now just freaking out about it.

Weird how one great week can do so much for your self-esteem. I look exactly like I did last Friday, but I just feel better. A couple of good runs, some spinach and grilled chicken and suddenly I'm all confident and fabulous. Yeah, I overdid the cheese a little bit today, but eh. It's cool.

So tonight the plan is go to bed early, then I'm heading down south for my first training run in the morning. There's a 5 mile option, with a 3.5 mile turnaround for those who want to take it. I think I'm going to plan to do the 5 miles and use the turnaround if I really need it. I figure I should start out optimistic though, right?

Watching School of Rock right now - love that movie. One great rock show can change the world...

Monday

Hello! Guess what?

I'm writing from my brand new Macbook! I'm so excited about it I could just throw up. And also, it has a camera, so there may be a video post from yours truly sometime soon if I can get up the nerve. Not yet though.

So I'm feeling much better after my little procedure on Friday. I was sort of crampy all day Saturday and basically felt icky, so I didn't go on my planned run. And then I didn't on Sunday either. No real reason, I just didn't. But eh, such is life, and I got back out there tonight and ran for 50 minutes. Well, I walked some of it too but I basically ran the whole thing and feel pretty damn good about it.

I'm starting to freak out though, because this Saturday begins my half-marathon training. I've been getting the emails about which pace group I'd like to join, and I really want to say I'll be running sub-11's, but I don't think that's really realistic. But then I'm thinking, hell yeah it's realistic, that's why we train. So I don't know yet, but I'll see.

Food is off and on, but I'm hanging in. Tonight I tried some Barilla Plus pasta, it's made with extra protein and Omega Fatty Acids and to tell you the truth, it wasn't that bad. Coupled with some organic spaghetti sauce, a zucchini and some leftover turkey, all in all it was a healthy, satisfying meal. Now to avoid the ice cream...

Hope everyone is feeling well!

IUD Day

Wow. I r hurting.

Warning: This post may be too much information - it deals with a lot of "feminine" issues.
..................

Okay so I've warned you all, and so hi! if you're still here.

The reason I'm in lots of pain this fine, beautiful Friday afternoon is that I had an IUD inserted today. Let me start from the beginning though.

Up until about six months ago, the first I had ever heard about IUDs was that they were dangerous and caused infections. But at about that time, a good friend of mine had talked with her gyno and decided she was going to go off of birth control and get on the IUD.

I was intrigued, so I looked into it.

And I became even more intrigued. Did you know that the IUD is the most commonly used form of birth control in the world? And in places like China, people use it almost exclusively.

Back in the 70's it apparently got a very bad rap here in the States, and even though the technology has improved quite a bit, people still either just don't know about, or are afraid to use it. Or else maybe I've just been living under a rock? I dunno.

I've been on birth control since I was 16 years old (I know, way too young). I'm 27 now and the thought of pumping all of those hormones into my body for more than 11 years now sort of freaks me out. Not to mention the annoyance of having to take a pill every day and the annoyance of paying 30 bucks a month for said pill.

So I asked my doctor about the IUD at my last annual exam and we decided together that I was a good candidate for Mirena. It lasts for 5 years, and while it does have hormones, its a very minimal amount that goes directly into your uterus, rather than flowing all over your body like the hormones in the pill.

Not having ever had a baby however, means my uterus is a little tiny baby uterus. And to get that IUD up there was a process today. It didn't take very long, but damn did it hurt. I had to sit and drink an apple juice box like a little kid until I was recovered enough to walk to the car.

And now, I'm sitting on my couch, feeling really lazy and guilty for not being outside on this beautiful day, enduring waves of intense cramping. The nurse told me the cramps should be mostly gone by tomorrow night, so I'm hopeful I'll feel better soon.

Anyway, so that's my IUD experience. I'll let you know how it goes, but I'm looking forward to no more birth control, and no more hormones and no more cramping. According to the literature I could have spotting for up to six months, but I'm excited because many women lose their periods entirely. Now wouldn't that be nice?

The boy is going to get us dinner, so I'm trying to think of a healthy choice that's easy for him too. Then, I'm going to get a good night's sleep, run if I'm feeling okay in the morning, and hit the Highland Street Fair, which is an awesome fair in our neighborhood that runs all day tomorrow.

Thanks for sticking in to hear all the deets on my lady parts, and have a great weekend! I'll leave you with a pic of us in Austin!

Little Engine?

Things have been going so well over the past couple of days - and after eating out for dinner tonight, I realize that I just feel so much better when I eat at home. We ate at an upscale Vietnamese restaurant tonight and just shared a couple of small plates, nothing excessive and I left feeling satisfied, but not overly full.

But I just don't feel AS good as I did last night. Last night I had the magical combination of protein, carbs and fat and I think I felt great physically, but I also felt great mentally. I felt almost smug with my healthy dinner.

Tonight I didn't have that smug feeling. I mean, I did okay and its probably fine, but I dunno. I feel a little bloated or something. I had some sangria, and now I'm obsessing about the calorie count. I think I just need to get over it - I should be able to have a glass of sangria once in a while right. But it's weird, when you're in the groove, any little deviance from the norm seems scary. I guess I still feel like I could go off track at any moment, and I'm scared that I might do that.

Tomorrow's a new day though, and I'm going to do everything I can to make it a great one. Workout will be a run around Sloan's Lake before work. Lunch is with a client, but I'll choose a salad. I can keep this up. I can and I will. Choo choo choo choo...

Talent

It is mother effing hot in Denver right now. I guess I can't complain because at least its a dry heat. Or that's what people say right? Whatever. It's still freaking hot. I went to the elementary school and did my squats and sprints and what not after work and I was honestly just going through the motions tonight, but at least I got it done. Then I came home and half-assed dinner, some bland chicken and bell peppers, but the risotto was delicious.

Why does it always have to be the risotto that's delicious?

Story of my life.

So I'm watching America's Got Talent. Complete waste of time but what else am I going to do on a Monday night? Something productive, you say? Yeah right.

Anyway, some of these people have talent. Some have amazing talents. Some have crappy talents and should get new talents. But at least they're trying to have talent. I really liked the Father/Son combo who basically did handstands on each others hands. Straight arms too! That takes some amazing upper body strength. The guys who danced to the song with their pecs were pretty hilarious too.

But it made me start thinking - do I have any talents?

I mean, yeah, I have things I'm good at. I think I'm fairly smart, I was always good at school. I'm pretty good at my job. I know a damn lot about health and nutrition (nevermind if it shows or not). I am a fast reader. I like cake. But those aren't talents; they're just things about me.

I can't play guitar. I certainly can't sing. I'm not the dog whisperer and I suck at handstands.

I guess not everyone can be a superstar though, and honestly, I'm okay without having some fantastic talent. In fact, I think I'd hate to be able to do something that made everybody look at me. That would mean I'd have to brush my hair every single day.

So do you have any talents? Do you wish you did?

Thinking...

Aaah! So much has been going on and I'm so sorry I haven't posted sooner.

First, a HUGE thank you to Kim for nominating me as a thinking blogger. I am so honored and can't say thank you enough! Wow. My turn to nominate now!

The Rules:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

1. Someday is Now.
2. Half of Me
3. From Lynne to Lean
4. Once and For All
5. A Plan I Can Live With


Love you all!

So yeah, Austin was great, the eating went poorly though and I think I finally realized that I have a LOT to work on when it comes to my eating habits around my family. I've mentioned before that I tend to revert to my 12 year-old self whenever I eat with either of my parents, and this weekend in Austin was no exception. There was a lot of queso and ice cream and what not. There were also a lot of good things though.

The boy and I went on a run. Almost all of our activities were out door activities. Tubing, riding on the wave runners, and swimming. So yeah, it was really fun in that respect. As I get older, I find myself really wanting to take more vacations that involve some kind of outdoor activity. I want to climb a 14er. I want to go kayaking. I want to be sporty and outdoorsy because I feel good when I do things like that. And man, tubing is a serious upper body workout.

So I got home Wednesday, but it took me until Friday to get really committed to restarting the whole good eating thing. And then I promptly blew it yesterday at a BBQ. It was my fault for not planning ahead. In my defense, I thought we were only going to be there for a couple of hours and then we were going to go get something to eat. Well it turned out they had lots of good food that the boy just loved, so we ended up eating there. And as far as healthy options, well there was some cantaloupe. Which, don't get me wrong, I love, but cantaloupe does not make a meal.

And of course everything else was pork based, so I ended up having a LOT of chips. And cantaloupe. For dinner. Great.

Back on track today though and my sister and I actually made a fan-fricking-tastic dinner tonight. Turkey burgers with a cucumber dill relish and a huge spinach salad with apples, onions, blue cheese and avocado. Yum and super healthy.

Oh yeah I also went on a run yesterday and it sucked. I sucked. I don't know if I was still detoxing from the Austin trip or what, but I did not have a good run. The half marathon training group starts in two weeks and I am sort of terrified, but also really excited. I can't believe I'm doing this! I think I actually need to make a weight loss goal during the training, because the only way I've been going is up since my wedding. Literally, I've gained more than 20 lbs since my wedding. Ouch. No wonder running is so hard. I feel good right now though. Like maybe I remember how to do this. I think I do.

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

So I'm leaving for Austin tomorrow to go see my dad - probably won't be around for a while. Unfortunately, my stomach seems to already think I'm on vacation. I can't even say what I had for dinner tonight.

Plan for tomorrow is to get up and go on a run, have some cereal and then hit lunch with a friend at work. Work is out of control right now and the stress level is high, so it's tempting to go out and self-medicate over lunch right now. I'm going to attempt to have something with lots of veggies I think.

Anyway, have a great weekend and wish me luck with my dad. I'll be back late Tuesday night, so I'll probably check in on Wednesday. Bye!

Dad

So I signed up for the half marathon. After a lot of talking with the boy about my motives and my wants and needs and my freaking innumerable neuroses, I signed up.

I swear to god I am freaking out, but I'm also completely at peace with my decision.

We'll see how it goes when training is starting in June and I'm really freaking out.

So after a fantastic Memorial Day Weekend with too much alcohol, we're getting ready to leave for Austin on Friday to see my dad. My parents divorced when I was six, and I haven't lived in the same state as my father since I was eight. Of course, he was great and made every effort to see my sister and I as much as possible. He did the best he could, which was actually really great, even though he had no idea what he was doing. He made us Frit0s and Ranch dressing for lunch. No wonder I gained some weight, eh?

So now my dad is battling Type II diabetes. He's probably pushing 300 lbs. And while I know my stepmom, who is a nurse, is doing everything she can to help him, I worry about him. So when I go to Austin on Friday, I'm going to do my best to set a good example.

But how do you set a good example for someone who IS your example? My dad taught me everything I know about loving food. Taking pleasure in a meal. Enjoying the process of going out to eat.

I know it's going to be hard, because inevitably I struggle when I'm on vacation, but I'm going to do everything I can to make this a healthy one. I'm going to run on Saturday morning. I'm going to eat cereal for breakfast and choose a salad at lunch. I'm going to eschew dessert most days, even when I really want it.

I'm going to do everything I can, because seeing my dad, at his weight, with his issues, makes me nervous. It makes me nervous not only for him, but for my sister and me as well. So I'm going to do my best, and I'm going to tell him I'm training for the half marathon. I can do this, right? I can set a good example.

Tact

Thank you all so much for your encouragement about the marathon. I still haven't officially decided what I'm going to do, but I'm leaning toward the half. The main thing I'm worried about is the early Saturday morning runs. I just don't want to commit to something that I know I won't be able to handle. I don't know though; I'm still considering it.

So this morning I did the same 3 mile run I did on Monday, only today it seemed much harder. I think it was partly because I was still half asleep and hadn't eaten, and partly because I didn't have the boy with me pushing me along. I did keep basically the same pace I kept on Monday, but this time I had to take two minutes to walk about 20 minutes in. And my legs just felt like cement. I got it done though, and that's what counts.

I'm glad I got up and did it, because I had a really crappy night last night. I have this friend, well a friend of a friend. She's one of the thin, fit marathon runners and she's really intelligent and blah blah blah, but sometimes she just has zero tact. Last night she was discussing, with another one of my girlfriends, how her legs look like tree trunks, but at least she doesn't have any back fat. Right in front of me.

WTF? Am I invisible? I know you can see me. And you know I have WAY more back fat than you. So what is your problem? Are you completely insensitive? Do you not realize that your conversation about your tree trunk legs and your nonexistent back fat is making me completely uncomfortable, especially when they are actually the size of little twigs if you really think about it.

Now believe me, I am cognizant of those folks who truly have body issues. Who look in the mirror and see something completely different than what is truly there. I know a number of those people and I truly feel for those people. Shit, I'm one of those people.

However.

This girl is NOT one of those people. She is just fishing for compliments. She just wants us to say, "Oh M, you aren't fat. Your legs are beautifully sculpted. You are gorgeous. Etc. Etc. Etc.

And honestly, it just hurts my feelings. It hurts because she knows I struggle. And she knows I have a hard time. Yet she makes comments like this in front of me anyway. I think she's just insecure. I know she's just insecure. But I'm insecure too dammit. And I don't need that from her right now. I don't know, maybe I'm just being a bitch. Maybe I should sit her down and talk to her about it. But she's kind of superficial. And I just don't know that she'd understand. Truly understand.

Yeah. So it's frustrating. And I think for right now, I'm just going to try to remove myself from situations where I might be around her. I think avoidance is just easier.

Tomorrow starts the long weekend, and I cannot wait. I am going to do an interval workout tomorrow morning, head to work and hopefully we'll be out by 3. Lunch is out with some coworkers, but I plan to choose a salad or a veggie burger or something along those lines. I'm doing okay. Each day is a struggle, but I'm doing okay.

Running...

I ran 3 miles today in 36 minutes. Without stopping. Ever since my boot camp I've been running on and off, a couple of times a week, but I've really been half assing it if I'm being honest with myself. Tonight was great though. My husband went with me and it was great to just have someone next to me, going at my pace. He hasn't run probably since our honeymoon, and all he ate was a banana today, but he kept right with me until then end. Men. How annoying.

Anyway, it was nice to have someone with me. So last night I was doing a little thinking, and while there is a lot about myself I don't understand (like why I'm so excited that a Long John Silvers just opened up down the street from my house) one thing I do understand is that I do well with specific time frames, with goals. That's why I liked boot camp so much, it was a set period of time, I knew when it was going to be over, and it kicked my ass.

I'm thinking I need something like that, but I'm not exactly sure what. One idea I'm entertaining is the Denver Marathon. This year is the second year of the marathon and it just so happens to fall on the date which will mark one year of marriage for the boy and I: October 14, 2007. Wouldn't running a marathon be a cool way to celebrate? Or a half marathon?

So yeah, right now I'm proud of myself for running three miles without dying. What makes me think I could run a marathon?

Honestly, I have no idea. I have some girlfriends who are hardcore runners and they're training for a marathon right now, and they are suffering. SUFFERING. And they each weigh like 120 lbs. And they've been running for years.

But I dunno, regular people do it all the time. Tons and tons of people have trained for marathons and survived. Even liked it. And my optimistic side says, I'm going to lose a ton of weight training for it. I have six months, and they even have a marathon training team with a pace group that goes at my level.

The training starts on June 23. There are shorter runs and training sessions on Thursdays at 6:00 p.m. and long runs on Saturday morning. At 7:00 a.m.

7:00. That's the hard part. 7:00 on a Saturday morning. I don't even get up for work until 7:00 on weekdays. And I'm going to be running at that time on weekends? For training runs all the way up to 20 miles? (Or 10 or 12 if I decide to do the half marathon).

I don't know. That sounds like a big commitment. But I'm 27 and it's only six months of my life and what an awesome accomplishment it would be. It's scary, even terrifying to think about.

I haven't decided if I'm going to do it or not. Part of me thinks I should just continue doing what I'm doing, or maybe try Turbulence Training, or do another boot camp or join another gym or sign up for a cycling race or do something else. But part of me thinks this would be the coolest thing I could do. What do you guys think?

Work

Argh! I know I don't really mention my job much here, but I'm in public relations, and right now I'm not exactly very happy with my current position. Long story, but I'm sort of digging around for positions in the area and tonight I had a phone interview with an outdoor gear company based in Boulder. It sounds super fun, relaxed and like they'd be really open to people wanting to take off during lunch and get in a workout, that sort of thing.

I don't think it went very well on the phone tonight, partly because I've done mostly tech stuff in my career and I don't have any outdoor gear experience, and partly because I was super nervous. Why? All I could think about was, what if they call me in for a second interview?

Then they'll see me. They'll see that I'm fat. And why would an outdoor gear company hire a fat girl. I mean, technically, they can't not hire me because of it, but I know it would be a questions. It would be an issue. Wouldn't it? Or am I just being paranoid. The boy thinks I'm being paranoid. What do you guys think? Is weight an issue when you're at work?

Monday

It's Monday and I never thought I'd say this, but I was actually kind of glad for this weekend to be over. It was just jam packed and I felt like I didn't get much time for myself. Between taking my little sister to a concert, my other sister's birthday and Mother's Day yesterdsay, I spent zero time at home and thus zero time preparing myself healthy meals. And I'll confess, I didn't always make the best choices when eating out.

Moving on though, I had a great day today and I'm feeling rejuvenated. For lunch, I tried Kashi's new Chicken Pasta Pomodoro. I wanted to like this so much. I really did. And it was okay. It just wasn't excellent. The nutritional stats are great, and it has less sodium than a lot of the frozen meals I typically eat, but it just didn't have the taste. I'm always sensitive to meat; I don't eat it all that often, and I rarely buy frozen meals that contain meat. Typically I stick to the pasta and bean dishes. But I thought I'd give this one a shot. And I guess I just reiterated why I don't typically buy frozen meals with meat - the chicken was a little chewy and really just not that appetizing. I guess I'll stick to my Lean Cuisines and add a salad with some nuts or cheese to get the extra veggies and protein. Oh well.

I went back down to the elementary school after work today and ran sprints and did some pushups, squats, etc while the boy shot hoops and the dogger ran around. We had a great time; it was so nice to spend that time together after work NOT sitting on the couch. Came home and had an easy turkey sandwich and some applesauce and now I'm just chilling getting ready to watch some bad reality TV (does anyone besides me still watch The Bachelor?)

P.S. Thanks for all of your great comments on the driver's license post. I am so jealous of everyone who doesn't have to post their weight! Lucky! I got my license in the mail today and I'm actually okay with the picture. Imagine that!

Driver's License Renewal

I went to get a new driver's license today with my new last name. I know, I know, I've been married six months. It's just taking me a while to give up my last name. I know a lot of people have very strong feelings on taking your husband's last name when you get married, but I know it's the right decision for me. Anyway, it just took me a long time. The last name is really neither here nor there.

What was there was my weight. After waiting for two hours, I wanted nothing more than to just get the task over with and get the hell out of there, go home and make some dinner. As soon as I handed over my documentation and told the woman why I was there, the questions started flying, as if she was some kind of robot.

Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Hazel
Height: 5'6
Weight: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

The newly 16 year-old boy next to me turned to look.

And out of my mouth, popped 165.

Yes, I said 165. And I'm admitting here that I lied. I really lied. I do not weigh 165. I weigh around 188 right now. But in that split second, all I could think was, yeah, I weigh what I weigh today, but I won't weigh that forever. Hell, it was only last October that I was weighing 170, and that's only 5 lbs more than what my brand new driver's license will say.

So the new license will come in the mail in the next two weeks. Maybe I can lose 23 lbs by then? I know, I know, I can't. But I plan to have this license for a long time, and hopefully the next time I have to renew, I'll be able to lower the weight even more. Maybe I'm delusional, but I prefer to think of it as optimistic.

So do you think I'm a bad person? What does your license say? (Or other legal documentation, if you have it?)

Back, Sort of

Ack! Okay so I've had my breakdown and I've decided that all the planning in the world isn't going to make this better. Okay it might make it better, but it's not going to fix it, and it's not going to make me happy. So I'm just taking it one day at a time and I'm going to do whatever I can do. I'm strangely missing boot camp right now. I think I liked having that hardcore workout. It made me feel useful or something.

I've been trying to cook more often with my husband, and even if it isn't completely 100% healthy and fabulous, at least I'm cooking and getting away from eating out. I figure if I can hone my cooking skills at least a little, eventually I'll be able to make some more sophisticated recipes that are a tad bit healthier. Tonight for instance, we had angel hair pasta with marinara. So white flour pasta, not so great. But, in the long run, probably a lot better than the bean burrito at the shady Mexican joint down the block that I was craving.

I saw myself in a picture this weekend. It was awful. I mean, slightly devestating. But at this point, it's kind of sad that I've basically resigned myself to knowing that I look like a big lard ass in pictures. I mean, there was once a point in time that I would have stolen my friend's digital camera and endeavored to delete anything even remotely unflattering. But now, I kind of just don't give crap. I know I'm going to look fat, and I do, and I'm not even trying to do anything about it. Kind of sounds like a microcosm of my entire life right now, doesn't it?

Eh. Also, my lips are itching like crazy now, and I'm hoping they're just chapped, but I'm terrified the impetigo I had a couple of months ago is coming back. I will not be a happy camper if that happens again.

I might be miserable. I’m worried about my weight. My heart. My hormones. How many antioxidants I’m eating. Am I getting enough calcium? Fiber? Protein?

I worry and I ponder and I fret and I make plans, plans in my head. Then I forget and I eat a whole bag of tortilla chips. And some margaritas. And some ice cream and some macaroons and some wine and some trail mix.

And then I eat a veggie sandwich. And I like it. And I think... maybe.

I work out and I join boot camp and I kick ass. I do pushups and situps and mountain climbers. I run.

And then I sit on my ass. I slump in front of the computer. I read weight loss blogs. I think about doing something. I plan. I plan in my head. But I sit.

I think about being the kind of person who eats only organic. Vegan. No hormones. No sugar. No dairy. Nothing fried. Only complex carbohydrates. Virtuous.

Then I eat some nachos.

I am conflicted. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I'm confused.

Stomach Bug?

So, I decided this weekend that I was going to try core, or at least follow the basic rules of core because I tend to eat a lot of crap when I start counting points. Two points for a banana? Eh, I could spend that on a fake ice cream bar. So I thought it might be nice to actually focus on whole foods and all that shizz for once. I don't really need a plan, I know what to do, but having a few guidelines always helps.

So yesterday started well, I had some cereal and spinach (gotta get those veggies in early) for breakfast and then a Chipotle bowl with work people for lunch - black beans, corn and tomato salsa and a little guac and hot sauce on a bed of lettuce. It was pretty good, and I felt like it was a healthy choice considering those delicious tortillas I usually get at Chipotle. Had an apple for a snack and headed to boot camp for a pretty tough workout, but not anything I haven't done before.

Well, about halfway through my workout I started feeling pretty icky, just sort of nauseous and gross. I've had really tough cardio workouts make me feel this way but yesterday was mostly lifting and I knew I wasn't pushing myself that hard.

I made it through the workout but on the way home really started feeling bad. The boy had gone to the grocery store for me (thank god for that because I just couldn't face it) but when he got home he had some sort of pre-made turkey breast meal that smelled pretty intense. It took one whiff of that and I was in the bathroom booting.

I was basically sick all night and I'm home from work today. I have no idea if its food poisoning or a bug or what but it totally sucks. I think I'm feeling better today and I just had a banana and I seem to be keeping it down, so I hope I'm through the worst of it.

Between this and my skin infection last month, I'm really making use of my sick days, something I never ever do! I'm going to try to take it slow and just eat things that make my stomach feel good for now, but hopefully I'll be back on track with my core plan this week. I have some chicken that I want to sautee and I'm trying a new brown rice recipe as well.

The good news is, hopefully I purged my body of any lingering toxins and general crap that was in there and now I can start fresh, feeding myself with lots of fruits and veggies and good lean proteins and what not. I'll have to miss bootcamp tonight, but I think I'm okay with a rest day today for now.

Last but not least, I know I said I'd be weighing in here on a weekly basis, but I'm not going to today because I know with the loss of fluids I've had my scale weight won't be a true indicator. Next week though.

The Numbers Are In

186 as of this morning. Ouch. That hurts. Hopefully next week will be better.

Oh well, at least it's out there. And as of yesterday, I'm on track. I made it to the grocery store during lunch and I'm all prepped for the week.

So today I got a little paranoid that someone heard me say something that maybe wasn't the best thing that's ever come out of my mouth. It wasn't that bad, it really wasn't that a big deal at all. In fact, who cares if he heard me say it. But it wasn't exactly sunshine and lollipops.

The weird thing is, I do care. I always care about what people think of me, even if it doesn't matter one iota what that person thinks. My husband told me a story about how when he was little he and a friend went to buy a lighter to light firecrackers. He was worried the checkout lady might think he smoked.

His friend said "Who cares what that lady thinks?"

He said it's always stuck with him, because he cared. Even though it was probably just some teenage girl at the checkout who really didn't give a crap, he cared what she thought.

That's what my problem is. I care what every person around me thinks. Whether or not they mean anything to me, I am always worried about it.

Does she think I'm fat?
Does she think I'm stupid?
Does he think I'm good at my job?
Does he think I whine too much?

Yes I probably whine too much. But that's beside the point.

Really, who gives a crap what all of those people think? Why should I let it bother me? I decided today I'm going to set it free. Because all that worry, worry over nothing really, builds up inside of me and it's just making me toxic. And I can't do it anymore. So I'm going to set all those feelings free.

Tonight at bootcamp all we did was run. Run run run. Eh. I hate running. I know I need to do it and that skinny people run and it's good for me and etc. And actually, I do run on my own and usually I like it. But I like to do more bootcamp type activities, like circuits and drills and kickboxing. Oh well, I got in done, and tomorrow night we have the instructor I like more, so I'm actually looking forward to that.

Tomorrow's another day, and I plan to be on track with food. I have dinner at a friend's house so I'll have to watch the wine consumption, but other than that I should be fine. Onward and upward I guess.

Monday

Breakdown time again! Kids, what is wrong with me? I keep having mental meltdowns about my lack of progress, my lack of dedication, my lack of commitment. My body image. I hate myself, I love myself. It's all a big cluster and it's driving me crazy. And poor thing, I know it's driving my husband crazy. He is an amazing man and I know he just wants to see me happy, and seeing me the way I am is so hard for him. I know I just need to pull my life together and just deal with it, but for some reason it's not really working.

Today I tried to really focus and get back to it. Of course it was difficult because I didn't go to the grocery store this weekend so I didn't really have a plan. My own fault of course, but it just didn't happen. I did have some yogurt left so I had that for breakfast, then I had a work lunch so I got the soup and a side salad. Popcorn at work for a snack and then tonight after bootcamp, a PB&J on wheat and a mango. Not great, but much better than the weekend I had.

I should get off my ass right now and go to the grocery store so I have a plan for tomorrow, but I'm exhausted from boot camp and for some reason my ears are hurting (lots of pressure) so I think I'm just going to go to bed really early and then go to the store on my lunch break tomorrow. I have cereal for breakfast so I should be good to go if I can just make it out of the office for an hour or so to get myself in order.

Thank god I've been doing these boot camps, because who knows what my body would look like right now if I hadn't been doing them. I'm still squeezing into my size 14 jeans that I bought 12 pounds ago, and I know the only reason I'm able to do that is the muscle I've developed working out.

It's time to get the excess layers of fat off though, and I know the only way to do that is to really get my food back in order. So as of today, I'm going back to basics. I'm not going to be ridiculously hard on myself, I'm just going to do what I know works. Lots of fruits and veggies, no fried foods, no chips, limit the sugar. If I can just do that, and do it for a day, and then two days, and then a week, I know I'll be okay.

Summer is coming and I do not want to be whining about the wearing of the tank tops.

I'll be posting my weigh-ins here again starting first thing tomorrow. I may even do the daily weigh-in here, since I do it at home anyway. I know some people don't like that, but it helps keep me accountable. Anyway, starting tomorrow, it'll be up top. Oh dear god.

Word

Hey guys. Bootcamp ruled tonight. We kickboxed. I am so fierce. Then the husband and I went to a new restaurant and I had the salmon. It was fantastic. I feel great.

So I've seen this on a couple of people's blogs and I never really do this so I thought it would be fun. And hey, you can find out a little bit more about me.

1. How do you like your eggs? Usually over easy, and on toast with some ketchup.
2. How do you take your coffee/tea? Coffee every morning, with a little bit of half and half and a packet of splenda.
3. Favorite breakfast food: It varies - oatmeal, wheat toast with peanut butter, or plain fat free yogurt with a little cereal mixed in.
4. Peanut butter - smooth or crunchy? Smooth.
5. What kind of dressing on your salad? Eh, depends on what kind. I love ranch. I love balsamic vinaigrette on spinach.
6. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Pepsi.
7. You’re feeling lazy. What do you make? A bowl of cereal.
8. You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? Ooh, green pepper, onion, and jalapeno, with extra sauce Delicious.
9. You feel like cooking. What do you make? I feel like cooking?
10. Do any foods bring back good memories? Not really. My dad taught me to mix Frito's and ranch dressing when I was a kid. I loved it. No wonder I'm fat.
11. Do any foods bring back bad memories? Does gin count as a food?
12. Do any foods remind you of someone? My husband LOVES chocolate chip cookies. I love him. The connection is there.
13. Is there a food you refuse to eat? Red meat. Haven't eaten it for years.
15. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now love? Vegetables in general.
16. Is there a food that you loved as a child but now hate? Not that I can think of. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
17. Favorite fruit & vegetable: Fruit - right now, plums. They are so good right now! Vegetables, can't be zucchini. I love it.
18. Favorite junk food: Oh wow, this is hard. Ice cream I guess. I love ice cream.
19. Favorite between meal snack: Popcorn. I love my air popper.
20. Do you have any weird food habits? I used to have a cup of spinach every morning with my breakfast, just to get some vegetables in. I'm slacking on that lately. I should do better.
21. You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? I'm always on a diet. Oatmeal, popcorn, salads, turkey pitas, fruits and veggies.
22. You’re off your diet. Now what would you like? Oh, just crap in general. Lots of wine and pizza and ice cream. And I'm not going to lie, T-Bell.
23. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai? Fairly spicy I guess. I LOVE peanut tofu from this little restaurant down the street from our house. It's not spicy, but damn its good Thai food.
24. Can I get you a drink? Red wine.
25. Red wine or white? See above.
26. Favorite dessert? Ice cream.
27. The perfect nightcap? See above. :)

Bleh

I'm just going to say it: I want to smack Sanjaya.

Okay now that I got that out (and honestly, I hate that I even care about Amer1can 1dol, but it's on right now, so yeah) I guess I can write about my day.

I sort of sucked it up at boot camp tonight. Just feeling kind of blah I guess. I got a lot of sleep last night, but I felt super tired all day at work today, was running late because of my silly boss, and then when I got there and found out we were running I was just over it. I shuffled along and when we got back and started doing shoulder exercises, I sort of half assed that too.

At least I went I guess.

Do you ever have those workouts where you just aren't feeling it? Maybe it's because all the workouts are catching up to me, or maybe it was just not what I wanted to do, but I definitely had a crappy workout. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but right now I feel like momentum is just not going my way. I'm tempted to just skip it tomorrow and call it a day. I like the instructor tomorrow night better though, and I know I'll feel even shittier if I don't go tomorrow, so I'm going to tough it out.

In other news, somehow today I found myself on the American Dietetic Association's web site today looking at local dietitians. I seriously doubt I need to spend any more money learning about how to lose weight, but the dietitian angle interests me. I started thinking about it, and I think I practically know enough to become a dietitian myself. I mean, right now it's more of a "do as I say, not as I do" thing, but maybe going back to school to do something like that would be just the kick in the pants that I need. Or maybe it would be one more failed attempt.

Who knows?

I do know that while I'm using my masters degree right now, I'm not really IN LOVE! with what I'm doing. What I do love is blogging, and reading your blogs and reading about nutrition and exercise. So maybe there's something to that. Do you love what you do?

Testing Results

So tonight we did our final night of testing at boot camp, and I decided I want to record it all here so I can look back at the end and see how I did. Last night we did the situps, hop ups and pushups, two minutes of each with only thirty seconds of rest in between. Let me tell you after the hop ups I was dying, so my pushups sucked. It looked like this:

Sit Ups (full body, not crunching): 64 in two minutes
Hop ups (two legs at a time, not step ups: 57 in two minutes
Pushups (regular pushups, once you fall to your knees you're done): 7 in two minutes (yeah I need to improve on that)

Tonight we did tests on running. We ran up to Cheeseman Park and were timed at how fast we could run around. The loop around the park is 1.6 miles, and I did it in 17:38. That's a little over an 11 minute mile by my calculations. Which I'm pretty happy with actually. And hopefully by the end of the five weeks I'll do even better.

Food is going well, I'm eating more fiber than I had been and that's taking some getting some used to. Tomorrow I have a work lunch out and then its girls dinner night after boot camp, so I hope I can make good choices. I'm going to try to have a salad wherever we go for lunch, and then I think my friend I. is making fish tacos, so that should be of the fairly healthy variety anyway. Now that I'm back at boot camp I'm earning a ton of activity points, but I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking I can eat whatever I want just because I'm working out so much.

So yeah it's all good. It's amazing what workouts can do for your mood! Later taters.

Whine (wine)

This weekend absolutely flew by and I am really sad its Monday. But I guess Monday's basically over so it's all good. My impetigo has improved vastly, now I just have a few dry spots on my face and neck and I'm feeling much better about everything. It is amazing how much I rely on my face, my smile. No matter how gross and ugly my body is feeling, at least I can make my face look pretty with nice hair and makeup. Not so much with the impetigo. Eh.

Moving on - I started another 5 week session of boot camp tonight. I was SO looking forward to going after work. I just needed to blow off some steam and I don't think my workouts have been as good when I'm not in that controlled environment. It was a beautiful day yesterday and I did go on a run down to the lake, but I've just been missing the group environment and the pushing I get from the instructors there. I dread it, but I love it. It's great.

So last night, we had company over to watch the Discovery Channel's Planet Earth series (amazing by the way) and I drank too much wine and got cranky. And basically picked a fight with my husband.

I find myself doing that a lot lately when I drink wine, and I think I need to check myself. We talked about it tonight and I think I'm mentally addicted to the idea of drinking a glass of wine to relax. Not so much when I'm working out a lot, but on the weekends, especially with my girlfriends, I feel I need some wine to relax. What usually happens is one of two things. I don't eat enough food and the wine goes straight to my head and I get cranky. OR, the wine goes straight to my head and I end up eating too much food. Either way I end up unhappy and feeling like I've sabotaged my weight loss efforts.

So even though I think I want to drink wine to enjoy myself, the end result is not always positive. Of course that's not to say I can't enjoy the occasional glass once in a while, it's just that right now it's not working that way.

So I'm not going to completely cut it out, but I think I need to find other ways to relax. My husband suggested meditating, but I guess I'm not sure where to begin. And how does that help me when it's a beautiful day on a Sunday afternoon and we're having dinner with friends and everyone is having a cocktail? That's where the mental struggle comes in.

I'd love to just go into hiding and try to lose weight all by myself, eating perfectly, drinking only water and exercising like a champ. It's not so realistic though. I know I just need to find my own perfect balance, but somehow I don't know if that's ever going to happen.