Thursday, November 12, 2009


Okay I know I said I wasn't going to try to rock a bikini for my 30th birthday Mexico trip in December, but man I really wish I could. I don't know what possessed me, but for some reason I started looking at swimsuits online this morning and I just couldn't stop.

Let me back up. The last swimsuit I purchased was at the illustrious Target, and while it has done quite well for me over the past two years, it was officially retirement time when the summer ended. I spent a lot of time at the pool when we were living in Singapore, and between that and occasional use this summer, it is just shot. It's a classic tankini and I really liked it, cute black and white flower pattern on top and solid black bottoms, and I guess I felt as good in that suit as I could possibly feel in a suit.  Which probably isn't saying a whole lot, but still. But now the elastic is gone, it's all stretched out, and you know, nobody's girls look good in a stretched out top.

I probably should have looked for a new suit at the end of the summer, but I guess I sort of had it in the back of my mind that I was going to lose! all! this! weight! so I should wait until I really needed one to do it. Man it kills me that I still do that all the time, put off buying things or doing things until I lose weight, because honestly, that is such a stupid thing to do. I am not putting anything on hold until I lose weigh anymore!

Sorry, tangent. Anyway, now I'm going to Mexico and while I don't leave until December 17, I want to find something that I feel really happy and comfortable in. I probably won't make a purchase until early December, but I want to have a plan of action so I don't start freaking out about it and then just end up going with my old stretched out suit. Typically I prefer a tankini because it's just easier to go to the bathroom, etc. but I've been looking and some of the one-pieces out there now are pretty cute.

What do you guys think? Have any good brands you recommend? Pissed off that I'm even mentioning swimsuits in November?

ETA: I had some pics of swimsuits up here but they disappeared! ARgh! Sorry about that.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Check In

Oh man. Well I guess I am on my second day of "getting my shit together, take 1,347,984." It is going well so far, as it usually does during the week. I am feeling good about the fact that I was invited to go out for lunch by a friend and I asked if we could do coffee instead. For me, eating out, even though I usually sometimes make good choices, just typically means more calories in my bod. Not to mention the amount of money it costs!

Anyway, I guess I'm here to check in for myself more than anything else. It is my weigh-in day, and I was at 172 even, so there's that. Not really good or bad yet, just is what it is. Last night I had your classic healthy dinner of salmon and broccoli, with a little risotto thrown in for good measure. Today's meals consist of Ezekial toast w/ almond butter and honey for breakfast and scrambled eggs with spinach and laughing cow cheese for lunch. Not sure what's on tap for dinner yet, although I suspect we'll have turkey burgers or whole wheat pasta. Or maybe black bean soup. That sounds pretty delicious. And Bob challenged me (okay fine everyone who follows him on Twitter) to eat 40 grams of fiber today, so I am definitely going to need some beans to hit that goal.

This morning I went to kickboxing and it was brutal, as usual. I swear I am on the road to death every Wednesday morning. You'd think it would be routine by now but it's not. I guess that's why I love it so much. I ran on the treadmill yesterday and realize running just doesn't make me as happy as kickboxing does. I just find it so monotonous, even when I have good music. I do like listening to my podcasts while I'm incline walking, but I need some beatz when I'm running, ya know?

Hope everyone had a good hump day. I'll holla at ya later.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Okay it is time to admit it, I am struggling. I do not want to come back here in two months, after the holidays are over, and have gained weight. Back on August 25th I "re-dedicated" myself to losing weight, specifically 17 lbs in the 17 weeks before my trip to Mexico, and it's time to take a hard look at what I've been doing since then. That day I weighed in at 176.6. Today I weighed 172.1. That means I've lost 4.5 lbs since I wrote that post 11 weeks ago. And I don't really even know how realistic that loss is because I tend to fluctuate so much based on how much salt/booze I eat and how big my meals are. So realistically, most of that weight is just water weight anyway.

I guess I'm just frustrated with myself because I was feeling great, on track and kicking ass, and over the past couple of weeks I have really let that slide and have not been focusing on my goals. And then last night, I came across Lucas' post about how difficult it can be to push through when you feel and look great (and by the way you look great if you're reading this lady!). Reading that post was sort of like a catalyst for me. As I read through the comments, I thought, this is me! This is the issue I am constantly struggling with.

I am a healthy, fit girl. I work out 4-5 times a week. I eat healthy foods. I feel good. BUT, on the other hand, I'm still overweight. I definitely have extra fat on my body, and it needs to go. And yes I'm fit, but I am by no means where I want to be. I can't run as fast or jump as high as I want to. And I'm pretty sure if Jillian saw me waffling like this, she'd tell me to get over  myself and tackle the issue at hand.

I guess what I'm saying is that although I want to be comfortable in my own skin, I don't want to get TOO comfortable. Because too comfortable leads to lax behavior, like pizza every Sunday night and beers during the Bronco game and then suddenly it will be Thanksgiving and Christmas and I'll have eaten everything in site and gained 15 lbs. I know my body and I know that is a very real possibility, and I will not let that happen this year.

Instead I, once again, am setting out my intentions here. I'm going to do the very best I can not to let the holidays overwhelm me. I'm going to limit my vino consumption, because that is constantly getting me in trouble. I'm going to get in those workouts 5 times a week and I am going to focus on training to get better for snowboarding season, which is rapidly approaching. I'm going to remove the excess sugar I've been consuming. I'm going to count my calories, and I'm going to stick to my limits. I'm not going to ruin five days of healthy behavior with two days of excess. NOT GONNA DO IT.

On that note, I am heading to the gym. Time to stop talking about it and actually do it. :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I Love My Body

So I've heard (or read) through the grapevine that today is Love Your Body Day. And I just wanted to come here and say that I LOVE MY BODY.

I love how even though sometimes I worry that my lips are too small, I can break them into a big wide bright smile.

I love how my eyes are sometimes green and sometimes blue and sometimes hazel, depending on what I'm wearing.

I love looking in the mirror when I'm working out in the gym and seeing my strong muscles flex as I lift something heavy.

I love my hourglass figure and the curve of my waist.

I love my perfectly straight hair.

I love that my fingers are double jointed.

I love that I can kick the crap out of my husband playing Wii Boxing because of all that my body has learned going to kickboxing.

I love that I can run and jump and sweat and breathe. Sometimes all it takes is to just breathe.

Even though I'm constantly striving to improve, I can honestly say that I LOVE MY BODY. And I hope you love yours too.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Butternut Squash Salad

Just wanted to show you my delish dinner tonight. It consisted of:

Tons of spinach
Roasted butternut squash
apple slices
candied walnuts
Rotisserie chicken breast.

So good. And I candied the walnuts myself! Probably not the best, but a little sugar isn't going to kill me when I have a nutritious dinner like this. Weigh in tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Failure Happens

Oh hi. I haven't been around here in a couple of weeks, and for that I'm sorry. A few rough things happened, including a major bout of insomnia (more on this later), getting sick and the death of my hard drive, and I've been trying to put things back together again. My weight is the same, no real gains, no real losses. I'm sick of maintaining. But you've heard that sad song before. So I'm not going to sing it.

I'm here to say I don't know if I'm going to make my 160 by December goal. I'm still trying, but I'm cutting myself some slack with the realization that I want to enjoy fall, enjoy Halloween and the onslaught of food that comes with all of the holidays, and I don't want to feel guilty about it. No I'm not throwing the baby out with the bathwater and I am still actively trying to lose weight. In fact I am still going to try to make that goal of 160. I'm just giving myself permission to fail I guess.

Is that the right way to go about it? Some will say no. Some think you can't cut yourself any slack, and if you do you are just setting yourself up to fail. I was probably one of those people way back when. But I'm not like that anymore, I CAN'T be like that anymore. I don't want to be miserable because I'm forcing myself to follow some arbitrary rules that I put in place. I won't. So yes, I hope to make my 160 goal by December 17. That is still 8 weeks away and stranger things have been done. But if I don't, well, that's just going to have to be ok.

Anyway, tonight is Monday Night Football and the Broncos are playing, so my sister and brother-in-law are coming over for tacos. I bought the Garden of Eatin Blue Corn Taco Dinner Kit because it was the only taco seasoning packet I could find without MSG and only taco shells I could find without hydrogenated oils, so I'll be using that and some ground organic turkey to whip up a healthy, fun taco night. Reading ingredients is something I will never stop doing now that I've started, but honestly it is so depressing. I feel like everything I look at has SOMETHING wrong with it. MSG, trans-fat, GMOs, high-fructose corn syrup, the list is endless.

All I know is I feel good about the choices I make when it comes to being conscious about my purchasing decisions. I really do feel like I'm voting with my wallet when it comes to grocery shopping. So yeah, I may not be perfect when it comes to weight loss, but for the most part I am a healthy, conscious consumer and I'm putting good things into my body. Even if it is full-fat cheese.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

DC Bound

Hi hi hi! I'm going to make this quick because I'm leaving for the airport in a few minutes, but I wanted to check in before I go. This week - think I should see a loss but I won't be able to weigh in officially on my scale tomorrow because I'll be in D.C. I did weigh in this morning and was down .4, which I know is not very much and still in line with my SLOW losses, but I think by tomorrow maybe it'll be more? Who knows?

Anyway, I'm not worrying too much about what the scale says because I know I have been on track and doing things right and I feel good. This weekend was a little higher calorie, but I've come to accept that is always going to happen because I just eat out more on the weekends and even when you make good choices, there is just always MORE and you can't control things the way you can when you're at home. So yes, even though I chose the grilled fish tacos at the Mexican restaurant, I still had some tortilla chips and a Corona Light. But that is what makes life enjoyable and I am not changing that!

So my trip: I leave for DC tonight! Hooray! I'm so excited to go see some of my old friends from grad school and see my husband, who I haven't seen in what feels like FOREVER. It's only been ten days but man, I miss that boy. My flight leaves at 5:53 so I have packed some homemade trail mix, a kashi pumpkin spice flax bar, and a single serving bag of Oogies popcorn. That will have to be my dinner. I know there are no vegetables anywhere to be found in that mix, but that's just too bad. I'll have to eat my veggies tomorrow.

I feel good about this trip even though traveling is usually a death knell in my weight loss efforts. I know I will have to eat out every meal and I know that will be difficult, but I'm confident that I'm going to make good decisions. Yes there will probably be drinks with friends multiple nights in a row, but I plan to run around the mall and monuments and hit the hotel gym while the boy is working so I think I will be fine. I've been really interested to see how food bloggers like Kath and Jenna do when they're traveling. They make it seem so easy to make good choices, so I'm going to do my best to follow in their footsteps.

I'll probably be tweeting a little about my trip, but if I don't holla at ya while I'm gone I'll see you next week. Have a good one! 

Thursday, September 24, 2009

More Weights, Less Cardio

I'm here and I'm listening to happy songs today! No really, I am. I am in a good mood. I swear. This melancholy had to end at some point right?

Things are good. I took the day off from working out because rest is important. Rest! This goes back to my all or nothing mentality, but I have a hard time with rest days. I'm always afraid one will turn into two and on and on until one day, suddenly, it's been three years since I've been to the gym and I have gained 200 pounds. Yes realistically I know that's not going to happen, but still.

The one thing I've been hitting really hard this week is weights, actually Body Pump classes to be specific. I normally focus a bit more on cardio, but from everything I've been reading lately, it appears I need to chill on the cardio bunny side of myself and try to hit weights 2-3 times a week hard, and do shorter, harder cardio intervals. If I go to Body Pump tomorrow morning, I will have done weights three times this week, and I can't remember the last time I did that. I work out consistently, but I just dread weights so I do them once, maybe MAYBE twice a week. I think the main problem is I don't feel like I burn a ton of calories when I lift weights, so somehow I think that kind of workout isn't "good enough."

I know now that is old-fashioned mentality and chronic cardio can lead to inflammation (something this arthritis-suffering girl doesn't need any more of) and over-use injuries (also do not need). So I'm chilling on the running (will still go to kickboxing because I LOVE it and why should I stop doing something I love?) and am doing more weights. It should be interesting to see my progress because I know I'll be burning less calories a week than I typically do and that sort of freaks the number-crunching, calorie-counting side of me out, but I think it's worth a shot to see what happens.

Aside from that, all is well in my little world. I'm looking forward to the season premiere of Grey's tonight. My sister is coming over and we are ordering in Thai food and watching it together, so that should be some nice bonding time. I plan to get tofu in peanut sauce with broccoli and of course will only eat a proper portion size thank you very much. Oh and no wine because tomorrow is a friend's birthday and we are going to Octoberfest. Yikes. I will be successful though. You can count on that!


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Only Happy Songs

Okay miraculously, I lost .4 lbs this week. I am not happy with that because I am not going to work my butt off 75% of the time just to let it all go to hell 25% of the time and end up with what amounts to maintaining. It is just a waste of freaking time.

Clearly I have some issues to deal with. I am happy, you know? I'm happy, I have a good life. I love my husband, I love my dog. I love my house and my family and my neighborhood. I know that I'm lacking a sense of purpose in my life right now and that is causing me some stress, especially because I'm not sure how or where to find that purpose. I keep thinking I want a job, but the idea of going back to work full time in my field stresses me out. Not that there is anything available at the moment anyway. Then I think I'll go back to school. I'm taking a class right now that I'm really enjoying. But looking at the requirements for admittance and the idea of spending all that money on a phd stresses me out too. Because what if I still can't find my purpose, even after all of that. Part of me just thinks I need to hold out a little longer because something will eventually just HAPPEN, but part of me thinks I need to make things happen. I don't know.  On that part I am just confused.

I just tend to get really introspective, and I think that just increases when the boy is out of town because I spend a lot of time by myself. I think about who I am and what I want and what I would have thought of who I am today when I was 15. But you know, I was kind of an idiot when I was 15 in a lot of ways, so maybe it's okay if I'm not exactly the person I thought I was going to be.

It's just that I have the same struggles, the same struggles about myself, my weight, my purpose in life, what I want to do, who I want to be. It's as if I've gotten nowhere and here it is, I've doubled my life span, yet inside I'm still this angry teenager kicking and screaming and wondering why I am who I am. Why wasn't I born a skinny supermodel? Why don't I have a genius grant? I'm just an ordinary American girl struggling with the same shit as a ton of other people, putting myself in boxes and giving myself labels that I don't really want, and I definitely don't need.

I know my self-worth does not exist entirely in how much I weigh. Nor does it lie in my job description. It's who I am and the choices I make each day, and I am a good person. I care about other people, and I want the world to be a better place. I am sick of putting this crap on myself every day and I'm done listening to sad songs on my iPod. Only happy songs today. Only happy songs.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dinner for One

Grilled swiss, pear and spinach on Ezekial bread with a spinach, pear and walnut salad on the side.

Monday, September 21, 2009


Monday monday. It is dreary and COLD here. Summer is officially over. Or that's what everyone keeps saying. I just got home from taking the dog on a walk and my fingers are so cold I can hardly type. This weekend was not a success at all. I am not going to lie. As I wrote on Friday, I had a shitty night on Thursday. I was determined to get back on the wagon after that, but it just did not happen.

On Friday I guess food wasn't so bad - I had a relatively healthy sushi dinner. But oh the booze. There were three girls at dinner. We split a bottle of wine between the three of us. Fine. Then we went back to E.'s house and proceeded to drink two more bottles of wine. That's one bottle per person. Oops. I'm not sure I did indeed drink an entire bottle, but still. It was enough where I certainly couldn't drive my car. Which means I missed kickboxing on Saturday morning because we had to go get it. And it was pretty much downhill from there.

We went to brunch. We had pizza for dinner. I'm not even going to go into the details. Last night I may have had ice cream for dinner. Wow. It was ugly.

The boy left to go out of town yesterday and I am bummed that he is gone. It just feels lonely around here. Not to mention the cold dreary weather makes me want to eat mac and cheese or some other equally bad for you comfort food. I guess I'm still in my cranky pants mood. I blame it on my period. I'm also having another "I hate the world" joblessness cycle. I haven't even had an interview in weeks. I know it's to the point where I know I should just go get a job in retail or something but I just don't want to. Sometimes it feels like the walls are just closing in on me.

I'm trying to do things to combat these feelings. I've got my other new blog. I'm taking a class. I'm reading. I'm venting here, even though I'm sure this is not the kind of thing you're looking for if you came here for a weight loss blog. It's all whine whine whine.

It's just an ongoing process. Today I am picking myself up off of the floor and I'm dealing. I'm going to make turkey chili for dinner because it's a nice comfort food but it's healthy, and I can eat the leftovers all week. I'm going to give myself permission to watch a movie this afternoon, and watch lots of new TV tonight. I will get to the gym this afternoon. I may not see a loss this week, but that will be okay. There is always next week.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Little Miss Cranky Pants

Should be happier that it's Friday but I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Or rather "got up" because I barely slept at all last night. I've been having trouble sleeping for quite some time, and I KNOW the things that cause it and yet I continue to do them anyway. When I don't sleep I miss my workout (this morning) and I just want to eat all day and I'm cranky. I'm also pissed at myself because if we're using the wagon metaphor, I got ran over last night.

I should have known this was going to happen. I was having major PMS issues yesterday, just feeling emotional and tired and pissed off about my job situation and life in general. So of course when my sister wanted to go to happy hour, I said yes. Where I promptly drank three margaritas and ate my body weight in tortilla chips. Have some salt much? And sugar? No wonder I couldn't sleep last night. Ugh. At the end of the day, the happy hour did not make me happier. Must remember that in the future.

I did end up going to the gym this morning, but I did sort of a half-assed weight workout instead of the Body Pump class I had planned. I have a massage scheduled for this afternoon which I'm really looking forward to, so hopefully that will get me out of my funk and help relax me a little. I'm also trying to drink a ton of water to flush that salt out of my body.

Tonight - sushi with the girls, and then tomorrow I'm going to kickboxing in the morning and hanging with the boy all day before he leaves for Denmark for 10 days. I still plan on showing a loss this week - I  just know I am going to have to work really hard this weekend to make that happen.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Weigh In, Body Pump, BL

Okay let's get this over with. Weighed today and I'm down .8, sitting at 173 even. Down 3.6 lbs total over the past three weeks. SO SLOW. I was thinking about it this morning because I was a little annoyed with the scale after such a small loss and I realize that I'm pretty much never happy with my loss. If it's .8, I always want it to be 1. Last week it was 1.6, and I wanted it to be 2. Would I be happy if I was losing 3 pounds every week? I don't know. Maybe I would wish it was 4.

The bottom line is, I need to stop beating myself up over it and be happy with the results I am getting. Yes it's only 3.6 lbs, but I am being consistent, and I need to be proud of that. I have losses three weeks in a row, and that is awesome! I think I am getting anxious over this looming 170 mark because I'm afraid that I'll get there and then I'll just gain again like I have in the past, so I want to bust through it as quickly as possible. I have to accept that it might take another three weeks, or even more, for me to get into the 160's. And that's okay, because in the long run, three weeks is not a big deal. Zen thoughts and deep breaths because I am not going to let myself get worked up over this. Ommmmmmmmmm.

Moving on, I went to my first Body Pump class at the gym this morning and holy lord, I think I am going to be massively sore tomorrow. It's sort of weird because I know I didn't burn a ton of calories and that makes me nervous, but it's a strength class and I definitely burned out my muscles. As I mentioned on twitter this morning, I won't be surprised if I can't lift my arms over my head to blow dry my hair tomorrow morning. (Aside, my updates are protected, but only because I'm paranoid, so please feel free to send me a follow request).

So I know everyone is talking about this already, but I wanted to give my thoughts on the Biggest Loser premiere last night. I have been looking forward to the show for quite some time and for me, it did not disappoint. As you probably know, I love Jillian and think she's great. The screaming was a little intense at times, but I accept that we see about 30 seconds of footage and she's spending hours upon hours with these contestants. She has her methods and I think she's been pretty damn successful, so I like it. I also really liked seeing the workouts - that Jacob's Ladder thing she had Shay on looks a little like a medieval torture machine. I think I'd like to try it.

I'm really glad we don't have family members on together this season, I think it's good to allow people to focus on themselves and not have to worry about their mom/dad/brother/wife/husband etc. I am also really thrilled that Daniel came back and am rooting for him to do well. Of course Abby's story made me cry like a baby and I can already tell I like Rebecca, I think because I can really relate to her "pretty face" comment that she says she gets all the time, although who knows if that will change as the season goes on. I just hope we don't have a lot of backstabbing, game play and crappy people like we have had on season's past. I know I will definitely be looking forward to Tuesday nights. I just think the show is so motivational and it makes me want to improve my life.

That's it for now I think. I hope everyone is having a great Wednesday. Hugs and tears.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Hunger Strikes

Today is a really hard day and I just need to vent. I want to eat everything in site and I am having trouble handling it. This weekend has been okay, both Friday and Saturday were high(er) calorie days, but I worked out and it was nothing out of control. Today though, I just woke up and WANT TO EAT.

We went to breakfast at a local joint the boy loves, and I got my usual veggie benedict. I was hungry but since that is a really high calorie dish I tried to exercise portion control so I only ate a little more than half and a few of the potatoes, so that was a success. Aside from a few errands, we've been home pretty much all afternoon watching football (HOLY COW BRONCOS, that was close) and it has been a constant battle to stop myself from going into the kitchen. I had some olives. Then I had some strawberries. Then I had some crackers and hummus. And a pice of cheese. Aaahh!

Maybe it's my period coming, or maybe my body is just fighting this weight loss thing but I am hungry! It's only 5, but I think I just need to make a big, healthy meal for dinner and be done with it. Nom nom nom.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Books, Brownies and Bells

I reserved The End of Overeating at the library and guess what number I am on the waiting list? 141! Holy crap I guess a lot of people had the same idea I did. I could technically go purchase it but I am trying to cut down on my spending and the library has really been helping with that, so I guess I'll just wait. In the meantime I decided to reserve Naturally Thin, which I've heard pretty good things about. That should be ready for pick up at my local branch in a few days so I'll let you know what I think. I follow Bethenny on twitter and really love her SkinnyGirl margarita (let's face it it's mostly just tequila) so I think it should be an interesting read, if anything.

Yesterday I was having a bit of a craving for chocolate and I got an email from Wh0le Foods about these black bean brownies, so I decided what the heck and decided to give them a shot. Brownies with beans in them? Weird. But OMG they were (are) so good. I cut them into teeny tiny pieces and did the math on Spark People and they came out to about 100 calories each. Perfect little dessert, if you can stop at one. I will be giving most of them away I'm sure.
Man I really need to work on the food photography. So speaking of the brownies, I guess it's about time I spilled the beans here. I started a new blog, it's called (non)Working Girl. It's mostly about my life as an unemployed, 20-something (okay almost 30) woman and it gives me a chance to write, which is what i really love to do. I've still got a lot of work to do in terms of design, etc. but I've been posting so I figured I may as well mention it here. I would love it if you would visit, but I understand if you don't because it's not really weight loss-related. I will be sharing this blog with my friends and family in real life, so if you do come by, please don't mention this blog. Thanks for understanding. :) 
In other news, the boy recently purchased a kettlebell and will be attending a class on what to do with said kettlebell tonight, so I'm really interested to see how that goes. I would like to use them as well but I'm kind of waiting to see what he learns before I check it out. Unfortunately we don't have any at my gym and I don't want to pay to go to another class, so I'll probably have to rely on what he learns and videos we find on the Internet if I do want to give them a shot. Also, I think the weight he purchased is going to be quite a bit too heavy for me, so if I do want to try it out, I'm going to have to buy another one that is just my size. ;) 
That's it for now. Hope you all have a great day! 

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Weigh In

Wow I was on such a posting roll and then one silly Labor Day weekend ruined it all. I won't lie, it was a hardcore weekend, and there were some not-so-great moments, but that is life, and for the most part, I did well. You know how I know? Because I weighed in today and was down 1.6! Yay! Oh I would love to see another loss next week because I never get losses three weeks in a row, so I am going to work it as hard as I can. And I want to get the hell out of the 170's. They are my nemesis.

I have to say it feels really good to be on track and doing well. I'm trying not to be too OCD about it all, but it's kind of hard. I get a little reclusive when I'm really focusing on weight loss because I know social events can really throw me off track, so I'm trying not to do that this time around. Why do so many social events revolve around food? And why do I suddenly lose sight of my goals when confronted with chips, salsa and margaritas? I do not know. It's like some kind of wire trips in my brain and I just lose my mind. Maybe I'll read that book The End of Overeating and it will give me some insight. I've heard it's pretty mind-blowing.

Until I figure it out for good, I guess I'll just stick to being mindful of every bite. One day at a time and all. Just keep swimming. Etc. Etc. Etc. :)

Friday, September 04, 2009


Hi. I think this might be a random post because I have a lot of random things on my mind.

1. Sorry if yesterday's post was too snarky. I think I was in a bad mood. I'm better now.

2. Even though I just said I was sorry about complaining about things, I'm going to complain about one more thing: guy at the gym, if you have to GRUNT that loud, your weights are too heavy. Also, don't ever use the phrase "sling some iron" again. Seriously.

3. I got my lip waxed today. Never done that before. I've been doing my eyebrows for some time, but I have really light hair and have never had a problem with the lip before. Lately though, even those light fuzzies have been bothering me. So off it went. It hurt like a mother, but I think I like it. When it comes to my lady parts, I stick to shaving. I've done the waxing thing down there and I guess I'm just too sensitive (aka I'm a wuss).

4. Foodwise, I have been AMAZING this week. I am so proud. The weekend will be the test as per usual, but I am feeling great. The food landmines start at lunch out with my sister, then happy hour with friends tonight, then the boy and I are going to this new fancy "local food" restaurant tomorrow, so we shall see. Oh and it's labor day so I know there will be a BBQ and beer involved somewhere. I will persevere though. I am kind of a badass like that, don't know if you knew it or not.

5. Workouts: eh, not sure if I'll make the 350 minutes this week. I ended up taking a rest day yesterday and did ten minutes on the stepmill and about 40 minutes of weight training today, but that leaves me with 100 minutes to do tomorrow. Don't think that's gonna happen. Oh well, still had lots of great workouts and I'll get close enough. Maybe I'll ride my bike to happy hour. That counts right?

6. So we have a hot tub right? We've had it for the entire time we've owned our house (3 years) and it has never worked. For some reason the boy has taken it upon himself to get it up and running, and the word on the street is he is close to fixing it. So I might have a hot tub soon! Yippeeee! I can't wait to sit in it after snowboarding this year.

7. I love my dog so much.

8. That is all for now. Have a great weekend.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Take Your Advice and Shove It

There was an interesting article in the New York Times yesterday about trainers and other health club employees giving unsolicited advice to people working out at they gym. The article doesn't really come to any conclusions, it mostly just interviews a few people, some who would bristle at unsolicited advice, and some who would welcome it.

It got me thinking though, and honestly I think even if a trainer was just trying to be helpful, if someone came over and told me that I should really let go of the stair climber to burn more calories or I should tuck my hips under when I'm doing lunges, I don't think I'd like it. In fact I think I'd hate it. I do welcome it when I'm taking a class, but I think then I've chosen to do a workout where there is an instructor and I'm sort of obligated to listen to their direction. But if I haven't asked you for it, please don't give it to me.

Even though I go to a crazy crowded gym, I think of my workouts as "me" time. I am very private, I don't really like to chat or make small talk, even when others try. I think it's just the way I maintain my focus. And I also think I have a hard time with criticism, even if it is constructive. Couple that with a situation in which I'm already VERY sensitive (my body, my weight, etc.) and you might just have a recipe for disaster. Or else a very stabby Jeni.

On the surface you might say, well if you really want to improve your fitness level, you should welcome this kind of advice shouldn't you? Maybe so, but you have to look at the reality of the situation. I work out at a big (cheap) chain gym where at least half of the trainers probably got their certification online, have about six months of experience and can't remember what they had for breakfast, let alone how best to work out the quadricep muscle. I know there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, I think I probably know just as much, if not more, about fitness than quite a few of them. Or maybe that's just my superiority complex talking. Who knows?

The point is, I am hostile to unsolicited advice. If I ask you for it, by all means bring it on. But if I'm running my ass off on the treadmill, jamming to some punk rock music, and you make me stop to tell me I should turn my feet inward a little more, I might have to cut you. Just sayin.'

The same goes for dieting really. I mean how many times have you had someone say, "oh, you're trying to lose weight? You should join weight watchers, go low carb, get lap band, go vegetarian, count calories, go low fat" and on and on and on. ORLY? Ya think? Thanks for the advice. I'll get right on that.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Weigh In

Weighed today - down 1.2 lbs since I "re-dedicated myself" last Tuesday, putting me at 175.4 this week.

I dunno, I kind of have mixed feelings about it. Part of me feels like oh, it's my first week back on track, I should be down 3 or 4 lbs, some kind of huge loss, etc. But I guess mostly I'm really happy to see the scale moving down, and know that I'm not having to totally restrict entire food groups or anything like that. I didn't do Phase 1 of South Beach or any other "program." I just counted my calories and upped my exercise and watched the crap intake. Geez, for all the reading and research I do, you'd think this was rocket science.

It's so easy on the surface isn't it? Just eat less and move more. That's what "they" say. Well yes. It's the mental part that makes it so difficult. And when you are so on top of it, doing all the right things and using every ounce of strength you have to not order the fries at the baseball game, then it's just sort of hard not to be disappointed with 1.2 lbs. I need instant gratification! I am American after all. ;)

The 350 min. at the gym thing is still happening. So far this week I've done the following:

Mon: 60 min. kickboxing class
Tuesday: 60 min. boot camp class
Wed: 60 min. kickboxing class + 20 min. incline treadmill walk

That's 200 minutes so far, meaning I have the rest of the week to get in another 150. I'll probably do this athletic training/weights class the gym tomorrow and kickboxing on Saturday, and then add 15 minutes or so to each of those workouts to get to my goal. It is still a LOT of exercise but I like having a goal like that to work toward each week instead of sort of haphazardly going here and there. And I'm probably overdoing the kickboxing, but for right now I really like it and it's a hell of a workout, so I don't really see it being a problem. If it gets old or not hard or boring, then I'll change it up.

I bought stuff to make homemade pizza (whole wheat crust, lots of veggies on top) so we'll have that for dinner tonight. I'm a regular Suzy homemaker right now, (still no job on the horizon) but it is what it is and I'm learning to embrace it. I'll be writing more about that soon. Now I'm off to get my hair did, which will hopefully be a nice self-esteem boost. I love that fresh salon feeling. ;)

Monday, August 31, 2009

Monday Musings

Oh Monday. It feels kind of gloomy today but I am determined to just get my butt moving and work on some projects and break out of any funky feelings I might be feeling. This weekend was good, hard but good. I stayed within my calorie limits on Friday after my minor freak out about Thursday, but then Saturday ended up with a little emotional eating (read: grilled cheese at dinner) and went high again. Yesterday was great though, and I'm taking some time to plan some menus for the week today so I am hopeful that when I weigh on Wednesday I'll at least be down a little.

You know what sucks though? How one day can screw up an entire week of careful planning, measuring, counting, working? One freaking day. That's all it takes to ruin a lot of really hard work. I don't think that's going to happen to me this week, but honestly it is no wonder that people have a hard time losing weight. Changing habits is HARD and all takes is a little slip up to kill what might have been a two pound weight loss for the week. Or three or four. I guess that's why it's an ongoing process and so many people (myself included of course) struggle for years and years with their weight.

One thing I did do this weekend was declare my intentions to two people in my life that have never had weight problems and often contribute to my losing focus. These are two of my really good girlfriends, both around size 2-4. These women are great, they would never purposefully try to sabotage me or anything like that, but they've also never had to think about their weight. They both work out and eat consciously, it's just not really an issue for them the way it is for me. The main issue is our tendency to get together and make one glass of wine turn into three or four, which then totally throws me off course. It's not a problem for them, they can totally handle it. But it is for me.

So yesterday at the mall, all crammed in to one dressing room together, I acknowledged that issue by telling them I am trying to lose 15 lbs by my Mexico trip in December. I was a little nervous about it because I've made tons of declarations like this in the past that haven't really panned out, but they were both really supportive and nice about it, which was great. After we finished shopping, we went to grab lunch, where they both had a glass of wine. One got a grilled cheese and ham with a side of fries, and one got a chicken sandwich with a side of fries. I got a salad and stuck to water. At first I was really worried about it, but I think I was just wrapped up in my own shit because neither one of them mentioned my lack of wine or how their food was "worse" than mine or any of that crap. We still sat and chatted and had a great time, and the food just wasn't an issue.

I was thinking about it, and I really want to try to make every meal like that. I'm sick of worrying about what I'm going to order and what other people will think and whether or not they'll secretly be mocking me inside of their heads. These people are my friends, so why would they do it? They wouldn't, and if they did, that means they're assholes anyway. If I'm being honest, nobody really cares what I choose to eat, and if they do take issue with it, they're probably just projecting they're own issues on to me.

I know I'll still encounter food and alcohol pushers, that is just a part of life. But I really need to learn to be confident with my choices and no that in the end, they are going to take me the direction I want to go.

Friday, August 28, 2009

All or Nothing

Okay. I am having a REALLY hard time with my all or nothing personality today and it is making me very nervous going into this weekend, which I want to go very well as my first weekend really back on a weight loss program. It should be fine, the thing is, yesterday wasn't perfect. And up until yesterday, this entire week (okay it was three days, but still) was perfect.

Or I had what I considered to be perfect weight loss days. Kick ass workouts. Lots of sleep. Healthy, nutritious food. Low calories. It's just that when I get on a roll like that, I don't want anything to screw it up. But yesterday I ended up going to the baseball game with my mom and having some sugared nuts for a snack. Probably not the best choice, but still no big deal right? It kind of went downhill from there though.

I cooked a healthy dinner, but I did end up having some of the wine that our dinner guests brought, and I ended up drinking more than I should have. Which led to me saying yes to the ice cream they brought for dessert. I only had a little bit, but still, I consumed more sugar and alcohol calories than I should have, and those are the two things that I have been trying to avoid because they are my downfall. Argh!

I know it's no emergency, and I still only consumed about 1800 calories yesterday, so I don't really think it's going to interfere with my weight loss this week, but I'm just nervous that I'm going to let that little voice, the one in my head telling me I screwed up, so I might as well just screw the whole weekend, win. And I DO NOT want that to happen. So I'm here writing, hoping that getting this all out on "paper" will help.

It's funny, I've been doing this so long, in one way or another, that it's just so easy for me to fall back into my bad habits. This time I'm trying to approach it a little differently and know that even if things aren't perfect and don't go EXACTLY as planned, it's going to be okay. My entire program doesn't have to go in the shitter because I had one off night. And the entire weekend, which could stretch into four days if I let it, doesn't have to be ruined.

I just have to keep telling myself to look at the big picture. Big picture big picture big picture. I can do this.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Okay this whole 350 minutes of exercise thing is a LOT! I mean I have been working out consistently for years now, but I guess over the past couple of months I have let things slide to 3-4 times a week. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at, but after four days in a row I am definitely sore and tired! I think I've hit about 270 minutes so far this week, which means I've got 80 to go. I'll definitely go to kickboxing for an hour on Saturday, so I can either do a little mini workout tomorrow or take the day off and add 20 minutes of strength after kickboxing on Sat. Guess I'll just see how I feel in the morning and go from there, but I'm thinking a rest day might be in order.

This morning I went to a class at the gym called Athletic Training - it's really just one of the trainers kind of training a big group of people all at once, but I really like it. And the instructor comes around and really helps everyone, which is nice. For instance, my pathetic mountain climbers needed a little help, but he was so good about being nice and correcting my hand placement, etc. It makes me want to go back to a personal trainer once or twice a week, but unfortunately that is just not in the financial cards for us right now. Oh well, maybe one of these days.

I'm actually feeling really great about things right now though - motivated and happy, which I think is a feeling I've been missing for the last couple of months. I am just going to do everything in my power to make sure it stays that way! Tonight I am entertaining - well we are just having an ex-colleague of mine and his fiancee over for dinner, so I am planning on making a classic summer meal of turkey burgers, grilled zukes from the garden, and a watermelon feta salad. I'll try to take pics and post the recipe tomorrow or later tonight!

I am off to shower and try to stretch out my sore calves a little more. Hasta!

P.S. Is it annoying to write "zukes?" It's just that I always spell zucchini wrong and zukes just seems more convenient. But I can see how someone might think that was annoying. ;)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Seventeen Weeks

Okay I'm not going to give up here. I just can't. But I AM starting a new project - details will follow soon, but I'm keeping it under wraps while I get it up and running. While I've been working on that though, it's made me realize that I do like writing here about my weight and about my fitness. It's GOOD, really good, for me to have this outlet. Because I want to talk about things!

For instance, I know this is way old news, but I really, really miss Jillian's radio show.

And, I'm really excited for the Biggest Loser to come back.

And, this is not really weight loss/fitness related, but what the hell was Heidi thinking with that performance during Miss Universe. Child please.

So let's see, what else? I weighed 176.6 this morning. Shocker. I have pretty much weighed between 175-180 for the entirety of 2009. Looking back at my records, I was at 171 for a week in January, probably when I was hitting South Beach Phase 1 pretty hard, but that obviously didn't last. Clearly my body is happy at this weight. I believe it's called a set point, right? It's a place where I'm just happy to settle.

Well I think I don't want to settle here any more. I'd really like to just push through and lose this last 15 lbs. You know it's funny, for so long, I think forever really, I've had this goal weight of 140. I think I got it from WW weight range charts or something way back when. But honestly, I don't think that's realistic for me right now. But 160 definitely is. It's so close. I mean it is so close. But so far away.

I've mentioned before that I have this weird barrier with getting below 170. Every time I'm successful losing weight, that is the point at which something clicks, and I just kind of quit trying. I get comfortable. And I bump up a couple five pounds, and then suddenly I'm back at this set point.

I think it's really time for me to get past that though. I'm going to Mexico in 17 weeks, on Dec. 17, and I really want to be at 160 for that trip. That works out to roughly 1 lb a week if I start today. That should be so do-able right? I'm not trying to rock a bikini. I'm not trying to be a supermodel. I'm just trying to set a goal and stick to it the best way I know how.

So right now, as of today, I am seriously off to the races. I'm going to be cutting way back on my wine and sugar intake. These "discretionary" calories are killing me, especially on weekends! And I think they are contributing to my continual psoriasis/arthritis flare-ups. I'm also going to take Self's advice and shoot for 350 min. of exercise a week. That is a LOT of exercise but I think I can handle it. 60 minutes x 5 days a week is 300. So I just need to up it to six days or try to do an extra ten minutes of cardio each day and I'll be there.

So here I go, I am back, and back with a vengeance! 160's here I come!

Monday, August 10, 2009


Okay. I think it's time I face it. I am not into this blog right now. I want to be, I think about it all the time, but I'm just not. I don't know what the problem is. I want to write, I want to have something to write, but I don't. Weight loss is hard. I'm basically maintaining, which is not what I want to be doing, but apparently something in me just isn't clicking to make this work right now.

I can't even write this post because I feel like I need to write a goodbye post or something. And I'm not ready to stop blogging, but I dunno, I guess my heart hasn't been in it for a while. I've been toying around with the idea of starting another blog, or just writing personally, or even just making this one private, but I'm just not sure what I want to do right now.

Anyway, I'm not shutting down right this minute, but I think maybe it's time for a change. I just don't know what that change should be right now.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Oh man. Again with the lack of posting. Sorry. I guess it just is what it is right now. Things are okay - kind of crazy because we are leaving for our trip to Ireland bright and early tomorrow morning and for some reason I just can't shake this feeling of exhaustion that is settling over me. It's been here for a week. I keep trying to chalk it up to PMS, but it just won't go away. And the thought of waking up at 4 in the morning tomorrow sort of makes me want to cry, but I know it's for a good cause. Because we are going on vacation!

I think I really need this trip. I just need to get out of my house, away from my routine and my computer and my lack of a job. I have another prospect that looks interesting and of course they want me to come in next week and I can't because I'll be out of town, and we haven't been able to schedule anything yet and I've been worrying about getting it taken care of before we leave. I swear I will find anything to worry about. It is ridiculous. All of this anxiety and for what? A job I MIGHT get an interview for? I need to chill.

Food/working out is okay. I gained again this week, just .4, and I'm PMSing as I mentioned before, so basically I'm just maintaining right now. Which is what I've been doing for the past six months. I'm planning on letting a loose a little during our trip, although I must say I'm a little worried that I'm going to have to mainline fish and chips and I don't know what else, because from what I can tell Ireland is not exactly veggie-friendly. We'll see though. Maybe that's just a misconception.

That's about it for now, I'm hoping to recommit to this and hopefully be in a better mood when we're back from our trip. Take care and have a great week everyone.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


First off - let me say sorry I haven't been around since my downer post from last week. I was feeling pretty crappy about it, but you guys are right, I am not a failure. So thank you for all of your sweet comments. I needed them.

Things are better this week, although I did spend pretty much the entire day yesterday answering questions for a potential job opp and if I don't hear from them either I'm sure I will probably be sad. But, I guess if it's meant to be it will be. Maybe I'll just be a lady of leisure for the rest of my life. That's actually not sounding too bad now that the sun has finally come out in Denver and the weather is nice.

I went to yoga tonight and that felt great. Yoga is so weird, I never want to go and even when I get there I'm kind of dreading it the whole time, but when I'm done I'm so happy I went. If only I could force myself to go more often. I think I'm just kind of in my happy place when it comes to working out and I don't like changing up my schedule, even though I know I should because the body gets used to the same moves all the time. I'm just loving kickboxing and the classes change fairly often so I think I'm going to stick to that for a while.

Food has been okay, mostly good, although this weekend was tough as you know weekends can be. Tonight I was going to make a chicken orzo salad but when I took the chicken out of the frig it just smelled a little funny, so I decided to chuck it. Better safe than sorry and I do not want salmonella. Instead I did a quick little search for a zucchini recipe and ended up finding this, which was actually pretty good. We accidentally put a little too much garlic in the dressing, so now the boy and I are doing some Internet searches on how to get rid of garlic breath. I gotta say the mint tea just isn't working.

Alright I am boring even myself so I will end this post and go cringe at America's Got Talent. Wow.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Rejection Sucks

I didn't get the job. Second place, again. I guess it came down to me and one other person. Ugh. I know there are a million reasons why it probably wouldn't have been that great of a job anyway, (or as my husband says, it probably would have been "soul crushing") but it still hurts.

And I still feel like a failure. Again.

I found out Monday night, when I got a call from the recruiter. He of course was not helpful at all and had virtually no information about why they chose the other candidate. So I need to call the actual hiring manager and find out if I did something wrong or if it was just my skill set, etc. But I just haven't been able to face it yet. I guess I'll call him this morning.

To top it all off, I weighed in today and I maintained. I'm just kind of feeling crappy all around right now I guess. I'm going to lunch with my mom at the brand new Wh0le F00ds down by her house though, so I guess that will be a treat. And my friend had a healthy baby boy yesterday, so I might get to go visit them in the hospital later this afternoon. That should definitely cheer me up. In the meantime, I'll just pet the dog, go to the gym and try to ward off this funk.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


Oh Saturday. I love you. And I LOVE that my husband is home, all snuggled up with the dog in our bed upstairs. Man I missed that boy. His flight got in around 7 last night, so I picked him up from the airport and we went straight to Chipotle. It was even my choice - I thought for sure he'd be craving it after being in China for so long, but he was kind of blah. I think he was just so tired. I ended up with my usual, a veggie bowl, no rice. Yum. After that, we came home and caught up, looked at his pictures, and went to bed early. And now, almost 12 hours later, he's still sleeping. That's what a 24-hour flight and 14-hour time change will do to you.

I'm up enjoying a coffee/green smoothie/water breakfast and catching up on blogs. I'm thinking about heading to an 11 a.m. kickboxing class too, but I think it kind of depends on whether or not the boy decides to get out of bed because he needs new running shoes and I told him I'd go with him. One thing I know is that if the weather holds and doesn't rain like it has been doing EVERY.SINGLE.DAY we are going on a bike ride. Why? Because I got a new bike this week!

Yay! We've been waiting and waiting for it to come in and it finally did. It's just a cruiser, not for hardcore riding, but mostly for me to be able to ride to the grocery store, the gym, those kinds of places. Oh yeah and to get fro yo. I love me some fro yo.

Truth be told, we are thinking about selling the boy's car and becoming a one-car family while I am out of work. I think I can handle it, especially for the summer, and I know it would be really good for our finances. So, without further ado, here's a new pic! I really want to do the disclaimer thing about how I had already gone for a ride and I wasn't prepared blah blah blah so I don't look my best, but eh, oh well. Actually I guess I just did it.

ANYWAY, I don't know if you can tell, but it has teh awesome colorful seat and fun black and white floral patterns on the rest of it. Oh and the green wheels! I heart it so much.

Time to go crusin'!!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Weigh In

Weigh in today = down .6. What?!? I am P.O.'d! I have had a fabulous week. I have been working out like a mother. I have been downing green smoothies, haven't touched a french fry or a scoop of ice cream or even a beer! What is going on? I should have lost at least 7 or 8 lbs this week! 


Isn't that the part about losing weight that just sucks? You can work so hard for a full week and only see teeney tiny amounts of progress. But I know, I know, there are a million reasons for it. I'm about to get my period. I'm bloated from soy sauce and miso soup. I'm sore from my workout yesterday so my muscles might be holding water. But still. Still! When you work hard it's nice to see results in terms of the scale going down. And believe me, I could scoot my butt over to the Mexican place down the street for lunch and gain that .6 lbs back in about ten minutes flat. 

Stupid body evolved to hold on to fat in case of a famine. 

Monday, June 08, 2009

Boxing and Babies

I am becoming sort of a kickboxing snob. I'm certainly not the best in the class and I'm still sucking wind most of the time, but I guess I'm sort of a regular now, so it annoys me when shit goes wrong. Or what I perceive to be wrong. Like when the instructor decides to go off on a tangent instead of sticking to the basic routine. A crappy tangent. A tangent that sucks. Stick to the choreography woman! I mean, they've designed it that way for a reason. 

I guess I should try to be flexible and just enjoy my workout, but today I burned almost 100 less calories than I do in a normal class and that just bugs. Anyway, sorry I just had to vent about that. I am really trying not to get annoyed by stupid things like this, but if I say it "out loud" here, then at least it's out there and I can set it free instead of sitting here on my couch fuming about it. 

In other news I had my yearly gyno appointment today, well that was fun. Ugh. I actually appreciate the fact that my doc tries to distract me by just chatting the whole time she is performing the exam, but it just seems weird to be talking about vacations and stuff while her hands are all up in my lady business. I like her a lot though, and it makes me feel good to know I have someone I can trust to go to when I do decide to start trying for a baby. We talked about it some, and just feel like I have so much to think about. I know that it is definitely going to have to be a planned endeavor because I have to be off of the medicine I'm on for my arthritis for at least 3 months before I start trying, and then of course I have to get my IUD removed as well. So even if I wanted to start today, it'd be September before we could actually do anything about it. And I'm definitely not ready to start today. But I have to say, I can feel my clock tickin' a bit. 

It's just so scary to think about getting pregnant. And having a baby. I want it, but it terrifies me. Will I ever not be terrified? I don't know. There's still plenty of time, so I'm not going to worry about it right now if I can help it, but it is definitely crossing my mind more and more often.

Alright I am going to get in bed. Tomorrow morning I'm definitely having a green smoothie - I swapped it for oatmeal this morning and couldn't believe how much I missed it. Nighty night everyone.  

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

You Won't Believe Your Eyes!

OMG. Has anyone seen the cartoon commercial for SlimSh0ts, those little things you drink that look like creamer that supposedly make you lose weight? Well in the commercial, the cartoon lady goes from looking all bloated and round to looking all hourglassy and slim, just by drinking SlimSh0ts! Of course! Why didn't I think of this?!?

I love how at the bottom of the screen it says:

Cartoon dramatization. Results not typical. REAL PEOPLE need diet and exercise to lose fat. 

Hahahahahahaha! So you mean, if we aren't a cartoon, we're actually going to have to eat right and exercise to lose weight? Wow. What a concept. 

I lost 2.4 lbs this week. Just by using SlimSh0ts. No, actually because I'm eating really well I think. Sadly, I attribute a lot of that to the boy being out of town. He's always totally supportive, but I use him as an excuse to eat out, eat crap, etc. So when he's gone it's just all about me - my decisions, my choices. 

I have to say I'm a bit lonely right now, so tonight I'm going to have a few glasses of wine with the girls and catch up on some trashy TV. 3 nights down, 10 to go. Ugh. 

Monday, June 01, 2009

Drinking Vegetables and Blood

Wow I am moving REALLY slowly this morning. Husband left town yesterday early early in the A.M. and of course when he is gone I sleep like absolute crap. I don't know what it is. I just lay in bed, thinking about how I should be sleeping, but scanning my eyes around the room like a crazy person at every little noise, every little creak. And my house was built in 1890, so trust me there are a lot of creaks. The dogger is also super vigilant - his ears are constantly perked up listening for something or someone. He's just trying to be the man of the house I guess. 

This weekend ended up being really nice except for Friday night. Friday night sucked, mostly because we ended up staying in to watch the game, which meant ordering a pizza, and I totally went overboard. To the point where I was so full I couldn't sleep, woke up feeling like a shit sandwich, with massive guilt to boot. And the Nuggets lost. Overall it just sucked.

I was determined to have a better day on Saturday, so I woke up, made myself a nice big green smoothie and then we set out toward the garden center to purchase vegetables for the garden! We spent the better part of Saturday weeding, tilling and planting, and it was hard work, but I am thrilled because the garden is planted.

Aren't they the cutest?

I know it doesn't look like much, but this is our first year so we decided we would start small, see how it goes and then go from there. In the back we have one tomato plant and one raspberry bush. After that it's rows of cucumbers, zucchini, butternut squash, jalapeno and cabbage. On the bottom level, which you can't really see, are the herbs: lavender, sage, rosemary, basil and chives. Yum! I only bought things I thought we would really eat, so we'll see what comes of it. We spent $88 on all the veggies, soil amendment and a few tools that we didn't have, so we'll see if we're able to make that back. Of course it's going to take 2-3 months for any of this stuff to be ready for harvest, except some of the herbs I guess, but I think it's going to be great. In the meantime, we're still getting our CSA delivery, which I am just loving. I am a vegetable whore right now.

Saturday night we had a low key dinner w/ my sis and his bro, then I did laundry watched the boy pack. He is going to be in China for two weeks, and it took him two hours to pack, but he fit it all in his little carry-on suitcase. There is no way in hell I would be able to do that. Sunday we were up super early getting him off to the airport, but I went back to bed at about 6:30 and slept until 10, which was awesome. I love sleep.  

Yesterday I pretty much spent the entire day home alone save one trip to the gym and grocery. I am a slug, but I don't care. I spent an obscene amount of time in front of the TV watching True Blood on demand. OMG have you guys seen that show? Why did I not know about it? I guess Season 2 starts in a couple of weeks, so I'll be trying to get totally caught up on Season 1 before that. I love it! I love the vampires and the Southern accents (which are really terrible for the most part) and I love the S.E.X. It is out of control dirty and I swear I spend half of each episode totally mortified, but it is awesome. So yeah, there's that.

I'm really only four episodes in, so I've got a long way to go, but they are an hour long each and I've got to watch The Bachelorette tonight too so I'm really going to have to monitor my TV watching while the boy is out of town. My brain is going to rot! Like it isn't rotting anyway.I just want to know what will happen! Who is killing these women? Will Sookie do it with Bill? Will that evil chick vampire bite her first? Is it my imagination or can Sookie's boss whose name I forgot turn into a dog? So many questions.

 Okay I am off to lunch with Jess! Have a good Monday!

Friday, May 29, 2009

All over the place

I was doing so good with the blogging and now? Crickets. Well I guess it's time for an update. Let's see - I decided not to take the class. Part of me is bummed about it and part of me is relieved. I just don't think I was ready for it and the idea of a career change was sort of freaking me out. I am still accepted and can register for the class in the fall if I want, but now at least I have the summer to weigh my options a bit. 

As far as the job goes, I had my second interview yesterday and I think it went okay, but it is just so hard to know. I was there for about an hour and a half talking with them, and then they gave me this little test to do which took about an hour. By the end of it I was exhausted. Man being on point like that just takes it out of me. I guess they are hoping to make a decision by the end of next week, so now it's pretty much just wait and see. I do know that they have one internal candidate they are considering, so that makes me a little nervous. I feel like internal people always have the upper-hand. BUT, if they were just going to hire that person automatically, they probably would have just done it and wouldn't be considering outside people. So I think there's still a chance. I'm definitely interested in the job and would be excited to have it, but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I am a cool cat. (Someone please remind me of this if I start freaking out like I did last time I got rejected from a job).

Food and exercise - going okay. The first week I was really back on the wagon I only lost .4, and it kind of pissed me off. Stupid scale. Then last weekend I had a couple of really bad days, and I gained .6. So overall I am up .2. Which is basically maintaining. Great. 

I know my body is at a happy weight, a weight that I tend to get stuck at, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to bust out of that. I am still trying to stay on plan and hopefully this week I will actually lose a couple of pounds (gasp!) but we'll see how this weekend goes. The Nuggets are in the playoffs and the party atmosphere is seriously hindering my ability to say no to sports-watching goodies like beer, nachos, etc. Tonight we are going to watch the game at a bar with some friends, so I'm just going to try and watch my alcohol intake and order a salad or something along those lines. We shall see. I can't be held accountable if a chicken strip accidentally makes its way into my mouth.

One thing that has been going really well is our produce delivery. Thanks to Jess for turning me on to this - we get a Bitty Box of organic fruits and veggies delivered every week, and it's been awesome for my produce intake. I've been jumping on the green smoothie bandwagon that seems to be all over the place in blogland right now, adding a couple of handfuls of spinach to a smoothie made with banana, frozen berries, protein powder, almond butter and water and it is awesome. I love feeling like I've eaten a salad first thing in the morning, and honestly you can barely taste the spinach. So good. 

So I know this post is all over the place, but at least I'm updating right? The boy is going to China on Sunday for two frakking weeks, so I'll be all by my lonesome, meaning I'll probably update a lot. I'm hoping to use that time to really stay on track, get lots of workouts in and just enjoy being home with the dogger. Oh and maybe finally get my act together and plant the veggies. I'm just so scared of the veggies. 

Anyway, have an awesome weekend and go Nuggets! :) 

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Figuring it out

I have a dilemma. So I've talked about my job situation here a bit - the fact that I've had trouble finding anything since we've come home from overseas and how that has been really tough on my ego and self-esteem. So I've been pretty much continually looking and sending my resume around for the past five months or so, but in the mean time thinking about doing other things. This of course led me to exploring the whole Registered Dietician thing. 

So here's the deal: I applied to a local school, was accepted into their nutrition program and signed up for a nutrition class that starts next week. I decided I'd take the one class just to see if I liked it - just to get a feel and really see what it's like to be back in the classroom (well the online classroom anyway) and to see if I really like the subject matter. I mean I know I like reading food and nutrition and weight loss and fitness blogs and what not, but I don't know if or how that might actually translate into a career. And I don't know if I want to spend a ton of money and time trying to find out. 

So fine, I was going to take this class, and just see. But now I had this interview this week, and it went pretty well, and I'm actually pretty excited about it, and I have a second interview next Thursday. And even though I'm interested in the nutrition thing, and I probably still have a long way to go before I find out if I get this job or not, I've started worrying. Worrying about my ability to take a class and start a new job. Worrying about the money it's going to cost us for me to even take this ONE class, let alone more. Worrying about whether or not it would be a mistake to completely abandon a career that I've worked hard for and spent a lot of time and effort on. And that frankly, I still enjoy and get excited about for the most part. I mean I'll never be like my dental hygienist friend who absolutely LOVES going to work but I don't think I'd be like that with any job. 

Anyway, the point is, tuition is due tomorrow and I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about deferring the class until the fall, so that way I can at least see what happens with this job, but what if I don't get it and I end up wishing I would have taken the class? But what if I do get it and I've spent a lot of money to take this class that I'm not going to be able to focus on completely? 

I don't know. Part of me just wants something - anything - to help me feel productive and like I'm learning. But I don't want to waste money just to feel that way. Ugh. If only I knew what was going to happen with this job. I just don't know if I can handle another rejection right now. 

Monday, May 18, 2009

Beets are Scary

Ahh Monday morning. Once again I am happy for the start of the week to be here. The weekend just seems to throw off my routine too much and while weekends are of course always fun, I am a creature of habit. And I happen to like my habits. Especially when they are good ones. 

This was a good weekend, the engagement party went off without a hitch. I MAY have been slightly over-served, (wink, wink) but that's okay. We had a great time. Actually I think what contributed to my inebriation was the fact that I was trying to be so careful about accounting for a few glasses of wine in terms of my calorie allotment and I didn't end up eating enough. Empty stomach + too much alcohol when you haven't been drinking for a while = bad news. 

I survived though and actually didn't lose my shit on Sunday either. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen, but chose a frozen yogurt instead. And I wanted to get movie theater popcorn, but I made some at home in my popper instead. I think those were good choices. And even though the scale is up this morning, I know it's probably just the salt I ate yesterday and hopefully those lbs will go away after a day of clean eating. Official weigh-in is on Wednesday. 

Today I have an interview, so that should be interesting. Of course it's at 1:00, and it's about 30 minutes away, which means I have to leave an hour before because I am a freak and if I get lost it might be a disaster and I might hyperventilate, and I'd just rather sit in my car for 20 minutes and be early than even have to worry for one second that I might be late. So that means I have to leave at 12, which is right around lunchtime, and isn't it sort of pathetic that I'm worried about how my interview is going to make me re-arrange my eating schedule? Wow. That is sad. I guess I'll just have a snack before I go and then have a proper lunch afterward, because while I don't want my stomach growling, I'd rather not be full of food and lethargic during it anyway. 

Yeah so there's that. I'm hoping it goes well but that's all I'll really say about that until afterward because you never know who's watching. This is the Internets after all. 

Oh question: does anyone know what to do with beets? We got some in our CSA delivery this week and I am at a loss. I want to include them with a meal this week but honestly, I have no idea. They look like they were pulled directly out of the ground. Do I peel them? Then cook them? Or just eat them raw? I guess I'll have to do some research on this one. 

Friday, May 15, 2009

Maybe You Should Just Wear a Garbage Bag

So yeah sore from yoga? Kind of an understatement. I am pretty much half dead. But in different places than I thought I would be. My obliques for one thing, are screaming, and so are my glutes. But it's good because it makes me realize that maybe I'm not working out these muscles quite as well as I should be. So there will be another yoga class in my future, but maybe not right away as I need a little time to heal. I'm totally taking an Epsom salt bath or something. Friday night, woo! I am such a rockstar. 

This morning I did get up and jog on the treadmill for about 45 minutes (with walking interspersed) at the gym, then I did the stepmill for about ten minutes when I was done, because seriously that is all I can handle on that death machine. And of course the girl next to me is wearing a fleece jacket, a hat, and she's been on there for like 90 minutes or something and she's doing like level 1, but she's reading a book and acting like she's lounging about instead of working her ass off. What is it with people like that? They make me so mad. I know I shouldn't waste my energy thinking negative thoughts about other people just trying to get their workout in, but I can tell she's so used to doing the same thing over and over, she never changes it up and she's there because that's what she does. It's her thing and her routine and she thinks maybe if she wears a fleece jacket she'll sweat more or something? Well maybe you would sweat more if you actually tried a little harder, ever thought of that? 

Okay rant over. Sorry.

Yeah. ANYWAY. Husband and I are going out to dinner (post-Epsom salt bath I guess) but we haven't decided where yet. He'll probably want pizza or Italian and I'll probably have to veto that due to my new found resolve, so I'm off to scour Yelp to find a new and exciting place where I can eat a salad. Yay. Peace out! 

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Chicken City

Happy Thursday. I am just home from a sorely needed brow wax and chillaxing on the couch because I am pretty knackered from a yoga class I went to this morning. More on that later though. 

First, I'm actually feeling pretty proud of myself because I, along with my grill-master husband, made an awesome dinner last night. We made this Rosemary Mustard chicken, along with grilled artichokes and for dessert, grilled pears! Yum. It ended up being so delicious and pretty much a perfectly healthy meal. After that we settled in to watch the Nuggets obliterate the Mav's (woot!) and I drank a cup of peppermint tea while the boy and his brother had beers. Score for me! I went to bed feeling just a tiny bit hungry, which I really enjoy. I like the idea that my body is burning fat while I'm sleeping, even if biologically that's not really true.

This morning I got up and had some greek yogurt with frozen blueberries for breakfast, went straight to Target to get a new yoga mat, and then hit a Vinyasa class at a studio only about 6 blocks from my gym. I really liked the studio and think I'll be going back - I can't believe how much I've missed doing yoga. I think I get so caught up in going to classes at the gym and what not and I tend to think of yoga as something extra that I don't really need. Well that is changing because I feel great today, totally stretched out and zen. I'm definitely tired though, my body is not used to all of those poses anymore, and I can already tell I'm going to be sore in the shoulders and back. Good sore though!

Had leftover grilled chicken with a salad for lunch, and come to find out we're grilling chicken with our BFFs tonight, so I guess that's kind of a lot of chicken for one day, but oh well. I'm just happy we're doing something healthy instead of ordering pizza. It's going to take enough willpower to show up with a bottle of Perrier instead of a bottle of wine, but I'm going to do it anyway! And probably get some shit for it but oh well. The weekend is fast approaching, and with it my first test of my newfound resolve. I feel great though so it's all good. Hope you all are feeling good too. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Rockin' and Rollin' and What Not

Well, it's Day 3 and I'm feeling like blogging about what's going on with me is helping, so I'm just going to keep it up. I don't know how many people are even still out there reading, but I guess this is mostly just for me anyway. If you are out there, hi! 

Today I'm up early, for me anyway, mostly because I woke up about five times last night itching my hands like crazy. My hands are both swollen, itchy, and if this is anything like the last ten years, some of my fingers will probably swell so much they crack, and in other places I'll scratch the skin right off of my hands, usually while I'm asleep. I know it sounds gross but it isn't that bad, I'm not skinless or anything. This is just another product of my psoriasis, which I've had since I was 18. Since I have psoriatic arthritis too I'm on an injection that is supposed to help both, but every once in a while I get flare-ups like this. It usually happens when I've been traveling, when the weather gets hot, or when I'm too hot when I sleep. I have no idea why, maybe dehydration, but I hate it. Itching is the worst. It drives me absolutely insane. 

Anyway, so there's that to deal with, but other than that I am feeling good. I made some amazing choices at dinner, and while I did have two bites of chocolate cake and two chocolate covered strawberries, I am absolutely fine with that. Because people, look at the things I encountered, but did NOT eat yesterday.

tortilla chips
chilled queso
cheesecake bites
warm Italian bread
three types of pasta

I mean really? Really? That is a lot of delicious food that I did not eat. But I woke up this morning feeling springy (springy? yes I just used springy) instead of with a massive food hangover, and that feels great. 

After dinner last night I came home to find that my DVR was not recording the Biggest Loser season finale, and I was pissed, but come to find out the show was on for three freaking hours, so I got to see the last hour. I wish I would have gotten to see more of the transformations, but I'm glad I saw the final three anyway. I'm actually kind of bummed Helen won, I thought it kind of sucked that she stayed and let her daughter go home. But hopefully they worked that out between the two of them and there won't be any resentment or anything like that. And hopefully the money will go toward something positive. Tara looked amazing of course, she is hot. And Mike, he's so cute. But I have to say he looked totally uncomfortable in his hipster pants. I don't think he was quite ready for that. 

Jillian and Helen are supposed to be on the Today Show this morning, so I'm hoping they come on before I leave for kickboxing. I just love Jillian. 

Aight, that's it for me. Have a wonderful day! 

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Day 1 and 2. Hanging In

I had a good day yesterday. I mean, I finally felt like I was in control of my impulses and I was able to make good choices. And I was rewarded with a three pound loss this morning, which I know of course is all the water weight and bloat I was experiencing. I ate vegetables. I ate lean protein and healthy fats. I went to kickboxing and I drank tea after dinner instead of eating ice cream. 

And today, even though it's my sister's birthday and I ate out for lunch and will eat out again for dinner, I'm still in control. I had a salad at lunch and skipped the chips. I have a plan for dinner even though we're eating Italian, which I know will be difficult for me. I do love the pasta. But I know that's not what I need right now. We're eating at a "family-style" place, meaning HUGE HUGE portions of food and we all have to figure out something to agree on, but I'm just going to make sure I fill up on as much salad as I can, and then watch my portion of anything else we choose. I will be mindful of my fullness level and I'll stop when I'm full, not when I'm stuffed. 

I think these early days are both so easy and so hard. On the one hand I feel great because I've recommitted to getting some weight off. I have goals in mind and I know what I need to do to achieve them. But the sugar cravings are there. My stomach is clearly stretched out because I'm hungry, neigh starving, even though I know I'm eating plenty. I have to constantly remind myself not to open up the pantry and grab some chips or some crackers or what have you. 

So yeah, I'm doing well right now, but I know the road is going to be hard. My first big test will be this weekend. On Saturday I'm hosting my sister's engagement party, and there will be lots of stress, but lots of merriment and lots of friends eating and drinking copious amounts. So there's that. And that will be hard. BUT I'm just going to do the best I can and try to think about WHY I'm making the choices I'm making and know that in the end, although sometimes it sucks to eat broccoli and drink water instead of wine, this is worth it for me right now. 

In other news, I also found a yoga studio in my neighborhood and called them this morning about classes. I was doing yoga quite a bit in Singapore and haven't done it at all since I've been back, and I'm really missing it. My hips are bothering me, probably from all the kickboxing I've been doing, and I know getting back into yoga will help that. I was also listening to Jillian Michael's radio show the other day and she was talking about the benefits of investing in massage, and I decided I'm going to take that to heart and schedule an appointment. Yes it's expensive and it feels like an indulgence with the crappy economy, but it's an investment in my health and I think I deserve it. 

I guess that's it for today. Gotta go get ready for dinner. Thanks for listening to my whining all the time. :) 

Monday, May 11, 2009

Thinking to Do

Hi. Long time no write. Mostly because I've been waffling about what I'm going to do. Not just about my life and my future and my career. I'm waffling day-to-day, about what goes in my mouth and what kind of workouts I'm doing and mostly I've been struggling. Somehow I can't get it moving and even though I know what the right choices are, I can't seem to make them. 

We went to Maryland over the weekend for a wedding and had a fantastic time, but looking back on it and the choices I made I think it's time I acknowledge I have some major issues with food. I mean, I guess I've known this all along, but I really need to figure out why I do the things I do. Why I sabotage any success I might have. Why I use any occasion, small or big, as an excuse to binge. This weekend I ate starburst, cheez-its, chicken strips, french fries, red velvet cake, ice cream and who knows what else, just because I was on "vacation." No other reason. Ridiculous. I came back weighing at least 5 more lbs than I did when I left. It all started the night before we left, with a giant falafel sandwich. And pretty much went straight downhill from there. 

So what is it? What are my motivations? What is behind this? Is it food addiction? Yes. Is it self-medication? Yes. Is it pure boredom? Yes. I know these things. Yet I cannot CAN. NOT. for the life of me figure out how to stop myself in the moment. How to take a step back and say, do NOT put that in your mouth. Do not continue opening Starbursts like a zombie, without even thinking about it, and put them in your mouth. Actually I can figure out how to say it, because even as I'm partaking in these bad behaviors I'm thinking I shouldn't be doing it, yet I still go ahead and do it. My brain thinks "no, no, no" and my mouth goes "yes, yes, yes." 

And I don't know how to stop it. All I can do for right now is get back on the wagon, yet again, and try to keep going. It think I feel like if I keep trying, just keep trying, no matter how many times I fail at this, one of these days I'll succeed. Today I'm feeling bloated, and gross, and like I want to do something drastic. But I know drastic never works for me, so I'm just going to go back to my normal eating habits, my HEALTHY eating habits. I'm eating nourishing, whole foods and I'm giving my body what it wants. 

I just don't want to go through another year where all I think about is the weight I'm not losing and the weight I should be losing. I really want to hit my goal weight. And if I really want it, and know how to do it, it should be attainable. It will be attainable. I'm going to keep trying, day in and day out. In the meantime I thin I've got a lot of thinking to do. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Okay I have been on the phone. Calling and making appointments and figuring this out. I now have appointments with two different advisors in the state of Colorado regarding their Dietetics program. As far as I can tell, this is serious stuff. I mean this isn't just take one class and then all of the sudden you're a dietician. No, there is lots of chemistry and biology and stuff that this English major never even considered taking. And it could take years. Years where I'm not making any money, in fact where I'm paying to be in school AGAIN. But you know what? I'm excited!

Even if I don't end up pursuing a degree in Dietetics, I feel good about taking the time to look into these programs and schedule these meetings and learn more about it. And yes, part of me is nervous about going into these meetings and having advisors wonder why an overweight girl wants to be come a Dietician, but you know what, I'm not gonna let that bother me. I'm just not. I'm interested in this, and yes my body isn't perfect and I still have work to do, but I'm done letting my body hold me back. 

I was excited to learn today that even if I don't decide to pursue this degree, I might be able to take an intro to nutrition class this summer, which could be really cool and fun. Or maybe totally boring? Who knows. But at least it's a possibility. 

And since I've spent the entire afternoon on my computer and on the phone, I haven't gotten anything else accomplished today. I guess that's okay too since I'm thinking about my FUTURE and my CAREER and all that crap. Yay. 

My mom is coming over in about an hour to help me address invites for my sister's engagement party, then we're going over to the location to decide on the food we'll be serving. I guess that means lots of little bites and nibbles of this and that for dinner, but hopefully I can refrain from overdoing it. I know there will be hummus involved, and I love hummus, so hopefully its all good. On that note, I'm off to pick up the house so my mom doesn't yell at me about how dirty it is (don't ya love being scared of what your mom thinks even at the ripe old age of 29?). Hope everyone is having a great day. 

Monday, April 20, 2009

Career Outlook?

Eh. I just feel eh. Can't really think of any other way to describe it. So much crap has been going on in my life, and sadly none of it is really that positive. I keep thinking I should be footloose and fancy free or carefree or some other crap, but if I honestly examine my feelings most of the time, I'm pissed off, sad, angry or just plain annoyed. I'm still sort of feeling that apathy I was talking about in my last post I guess. 

Part of it is my current job situation. I had an interview, two interviews and then they took me out to lunch and schmoozed me and and showed me the office and I was so, so excited because I thought finally, finally! I'm going to get a job and go back to work. I thought I had it in the bag.It wasn't my dream job, but it was a good job and I was happy that my career wasn't going down the shitter anymore and I was going to make some money and feel like a contributing member of our household and it was going to be good. I would wear pants again on a regular basis. Not just workout clothes, which I practically live in now. 

Then the recruiter called and left me a message on my voicemail telling me they had offered it to another candidate. What?!? Why take me out to lunch? Why the schmoozing? What did I do wrong? I am not going to lie, I cried. A lot. I just didn't get it. I was rejected. I hate being rejected. I finally talked to my would-be boss and he told me they were worried I was a little overqualified, that I might be bored, etc. and although he gave valid reasons, it still really hurts. I don't like being told no. I am not good at processing no. I automatically go to the "I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough" place and that is not a good place for me to be. 

I cried and ate a lot of frozen yogurt and then I went to Texas to see my dad/stepmom/stepsisters and I ate so much food when I was there. As is typical, I totally reverted back to my childhood behavior and comforted myself with lots and lots of food. Good Mexican food. I'll bet I ate 1,000 calories worth of tortilla chips alone one day. I did go on a run while I was down there, which was the talk of the family. Everyone was so amazed by one little run. And both of my grandfathers made semi-inappropriate comments on how I'd lost weight (they hadn't seen me since I'd been back from Singapore). Still, I came home from Texas and I had gained about 6 lbs. Most of that was water weight blah blah and I took most of it right back off, but I'm still up a bit and I can see myself on that brink. I don't think I'm ready to just maintain for a few months. Maybe that's what I'll end up doing, but I think I still need to try. 

Now that I'm back in Denver, I'm still pissed off about the job situation and I feel like I'm back at square one. My husband has really encouraged me to think about what I want to do with myself, and I keep coming back to my interest in diet/fitness. Maybe I should pursue a career in this after all? But what kind of career? I don't think fitness trainer. As much as I love the gym, it's just not for me. I'm not mentally or physically ready to pursue that and I think it's possible I have too many issues with my body for me to ever be ready for that. So what else is there?

Well... I started thinking about it and I thought maybe I could become a registered dietician? It's not easy to do, it takes a lot of schooling and a degree and then passing another test and that all takes time and money. But I'm still young enough, and even though I have a career and two degrees already, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere at the moment so maybe I do have the time do pursue something else, something I'm actually already pretty passionate about? 

There are two Universities in the Denver area that offer R.D. programs, so I sent them both emails about my credentials and about whether or not they have openings, and I actually heard back from one and may be meeting with the director of the University of Northern Colorado's program this week! This is all very early days, so I'm not getting too excited about anything yet, but at least I can pick her brain about what the market is like for dieticians right now and find out whether or not this might be something I'd actually want to do. 

There are so many things to consider. I'd have to commute to Greeley for this program, which is NOT close (1 hour 10 minutes away) but maybe I could cluster my classes in such a way that I'd only have to do it a couple of times a week? I'd also have to take a LOT of science classes, which might be hard for this former English major, but you know, I think I'm pretty smart and I can handle it. I'd also have to find the money, and resign myself to not having a job for at least two years, if not more, and that is kind of a scary thing. And what if I never get to my goal weight and then I'm this overweight dietician? Isn't that kind of hypocritical? AND we've been thinking about the pregnancy thing, and what if being in school and having a baby is too much for me? And what if I go back to school, and I decide to do this, and then I'm not happy with this either? What if I'm never happy? I don't know.

I do know it's something I'm at least interested in exploring, and even if that's all it ever is, at least I'll have looked into it and I'll know that I'm not letting life just pass me by, I'm actively thinking about what I want to do and who I want to be. I'm still trying to think about other jobs/things I could do in this field, because clearly it's a hobby of mine, and I haven't come up with much. All I know is each as each new week comes and goes, I get more and more upset about my situation, my lack of a job, a direction, a purpose, and I think something has to change.