Friday, May 29, 2009

All over the place

I was doing so good with the blogging and now? Crickets. Well I guess it's time for an update. Let's see - I decided not to take the class. Part of me is bummed about it and part of me is relieved. I just don't think I was ready for it and the idea of a career change was sort of freaking me out. I am still accepted and can register for the class in the fall if I want, but now at least I have the summer to weigh my options a bit. 

As far as the job goes, I had my second interview yesterday and I think it went okay, but it is just so hard to know. I was there for about an hour and a half talking with them, and then they gave me this little test to do which took about an hour. By the end of it I was exhausted. Man being on point like that just takes it out of me. I guess they are hoping to make a decision by the end of next week, so now it's pretty much just wait and see. I do know that they have one internal candidate they are considering, so that makes me a little nervous. I feel like internal people always have the upper-hand. BUT, if they were just going to hire that person automatically, they probably would have just done it and wouldn't be considering outside people. So I think there's still a chance. I'm definitely interested in the job and would be excited to have it, but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I am a cool cat. (Someone please remind me of this if I start freaking out like I did last time I got rejected from a job).

Food and exercise - going okay. The first week I was really back on the wagon I only lost .4, and it kind of pissed me off. Stupid scale. Then last weekend I had a couple of really bad days, and I gained .6. So overall I am up .2. Which is basically maintaining. Great. 

I know my body is at a happy weight, a weight that I tend to get stuck at, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to bust out of that. I am still trying to stay on plan and hopefully this week I will actually lose a couple of pounds (gasp!) but we'll see how this weekend goes. The Nuggets are in the playoffs and the party atmosphere is seriously hindering my ability to say no to sports-watching goodies like beer, nachos, etc. Tonight we are going to watch the game at a bar with some friends, so I'm just going to try and watch my alcohol intake and order a salad or something along those lines. We shall see. I can't be held accountable if a chicken strip accidentally makes its way into my mouth.

One thing that has been going really well is our produce delivery. Thanks to Jess for turning me on to this - we get a Bitty Box of organic fruits and veggies delivered every week, and it's been awesome for my produce intake. I've been jumping on the green smoothie bandwagon that seems to be all over the place in blogland right now, adding a couple of handfuls of spinach to a smoothie made with banana, frozen berries, protein powder, almond butter and water and it is awesome. I love feeling like I've eaten a salad first thing in the morning, and honestly you can barely taste the spinach. So good. 

So I know this post is all over the place, but at least I'm updating right? The boy is going to China on Sunday for two frakking weeks, so I'll be all by my lonesome, meaning I'll probably update a lot. I'm hoping to use that time to really stay on track, get lots of workouts in and just enjoy being home with the dogger. Oh and maybe finally get my act together and plant the veggies. I'm just so scared of the veggies. 

Anyway, have an awesome weekend and go Nuggets! :) 

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Figuring it out

I have a dilemma. So I've talked about my job situation here a bit - the fact that I've had trouble finding anything since we've come home from overseas and how that has been really tough on my ego and self-esteem. So I've been pretty much continually looking and sending my resume around for the past five months or so, but in the mean time thinking about doing other things. This of course led me to exploring the whole Registered Dietician thing. 

So here's the deal: I applied to a local school, was accepted into their nutrition program and signed up for a nutrition class that starts next week. I decided I'd take the one class just to see if I liked it - just to get a feel and really see what it's like to be back in the classroom (well the online classroom anyway) and to see if I really like the subject matter. I mean I know I like reading food and nutrition and weight loss and fitness blogs and what not, but I don't know if or how that might actually translate into a career. And I don't know if I want to spend a ton of money and time trying to find out. 

So fine, I was going to take this class, and just see. But now I had this interview this week, and it went pretty well, and I'm actually pretty excited about it, and I have a second interview next Thursday. And even though I'm interested in the nutrition thing, and I probably still have a long way to go before I find out if I get this job or not, I've started worrying. Worrying about my ability to take a class and start a new job. Worrying about the money it's going to cost us for me to even take this ONE class, let alone more. Worrying about whether or not it would be a mistake to completely abandon a career that I've worked hard for and spent a lot of time and effort on. And that frankly, I still enjoy and get excited about for the most part. I mean I'll never be like my dental hygienist friend who absolutely LOVES going to work but I don't think I'd be like that with any job. 

Anyway, the point is, tuition is due tomorrow and I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about deferring the class until the fall, so that way I can at least see what happens with this job, but what if I don't get it and I end up wishing I would have taken the class? But what if I do get it and I've spent a lot of money to take this class that I'm not going to be able to focus on completely? 

I don't know. Part of me just wants something - anything - to help me feel productive and like I'm learning. But I don't want to waste money just to feel that way. Ugh. If only I knew what was going to happen with this job. I just don't know if I can handle another rejection right now. 

Monday, May 18, 2009

Beets are Scary

Ahh Monday morning. Once again I am happy for the start of the week to be here. The weekend just seems to throw off my routine too much and while weekends are of course always fun, I am a creature of habit. And I happen to like my habits. Especially when they are good ones. 

This was a good weekend, the engagement party went off without a hitch. I MAY have been slightly over-served, (wink, wink) but that's okay. We had a great time. Actually I think what contributed to my inebriation was the fact that I was trying to be so careful about accounting for a few glasses of wine in terms of my calorie allotment and I didn't end up eating enough. Empty stomach + too much alcohol when you haven't been drinking for a while = bad news. 

I survived though and actually didn't lose my shit on Sunday either. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen, but chose a frozen yogurt instead. And I wanted to get movie theater popcorn, but I made some at home in my popper instead. I think those were good choices. And even though the scale is up this morning, I know it's probably just the salt I ate yesterday and hopefully those lbs will go away after a day of clean eating. Official weigh-in is on Wednesday. 

Today I have an interview, so that should be interesting. Of course it's at 1:00, and it's about 30 minutes away, which means I have to leave an hour before because I am a freak and if I get lost it might be a disaster and I might hyperventilate, and I'd just rather sit in my car for 20 minutes and be early than even have to worry for one second that I might be late. So that means I have to leave at 12, which is right around lunchtime, and isn't it sort of pathetic that I'm worried about how my interview is going to make me re-arrange my eating schedule? Wow. That is sad. I guess I'll just have a snack before I go and then have a proper lunch afterward, because while I don't want my stomach growling, I'd rather not be full of food and lethargic during it anyway. 

Yeah so there's that. I'm hoping it goes well but that's all I'll really say about that until afterward because you never know who's watching. This is the Internets after all. 

Oh question: does anyone know what to do with beets? We got some in our CSA delivery this week and I am at a loss. I want to include them with a meal this week but honestly, I have no idea. They look like they were pulled directly out of the ground. Do I peel them? Then cook them? Or just eat them raw? I guess I'll have to do some research on this one. 

Friday, May 15, 2009

Maybe You Should Just Wear a Garbage Bag

So yeah sore from yoga? Kind of an understatement. I am pretty much half dead. But in different places than I thought I would be. My obliques for one thing, are screaming, and so are my glutes. But it's good because it makes me realize that maybe I'm not working out these muscles quite as well as I should be. So there will be another yoga class in my future, but maybe not right away as I need a little time to heal. I'm totally taking an Epsom salt bath or something. Friday night, woo! I am such a rockstar. 

This morning I did get up and jog on the treadmill for about 45 minutes (with walking interspersed) at the gym, then I did the stepmill for about ten minutes when I was done, because seriously that is all I can handle on that death machine. And of course the girl next to me is wearing a fleece jacket, a hat, and she's been on there for like 90 minutes or something and she's doing like level 1, but she's reading a book and acting like she's lounging about instead of working her ass off. What is it with people like that? They make me so mad. I know I shouldn't waste my energy thinking negative thoughts about other people just trying to get their workout in, but I can tell she's so used to doing the same thing over and over, she never changes it up and she's there because that's what she does. It's her thing and her routine and she thinks maybe if she wears a fleece jacket she'll sweat more or something? Well maybe you would sweat more if you actually tried a little harder, ever thought of that? 

Okay rant over. Sorry.

Yeah. ANYWAY. Husband and I are going out to dinner (post-Epsom salt bath I guess) but we haven't decided where yet. He'll probably want pizza or Italian and I'll probably have to veto that due to my new found resolve, so I'm off to scour Yelp to find a new and exciting place where I can eat a salad. Yay. Peace out! 

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Chicken City

Happy Thursday. I am just home from a sorely needed brow wax and chillaxing on the couch because I am pretty knackered from a yoga class I went to this morning. More on that later though. 

First, I'm actually feeling pretty proud of myself because I, along with my grill-master husband, made an awesome dinner last night. We made this Rosemary Mustard chicken, along with grilled artichokes and for dessert, grilled pears! Yum. It ended up being so delicious and pretty much a perfectly healthy meal. After that we settled in to watch the Nuggets obliterate the Mav's (woot!) and I drank a cup of peppermint tea while the boy and his brother had beers. Score for me! I went to bed feeling just a tiny bit hungry, which I really enjoy. I like the idea that my body is burning fat while I'm sleeping, even if biologically that's not really true.

This morning I got up and had some greek yogurt with frozen blueberries for breakfast, went straight to Target to get a new yoga mat, and then hit a Vinyasa class at a studio only about 6 blocks from my gym. I really liked the studio and think I'll be going back - I can't believe how much I've missed doing yoga. I think I get so caught up in going to classes at the gym and what not and I tend to think of yoga as something extra that I don't really need. Well that is changing because I feel great today, totally stretched out and zen. I'm definitely tired though, my body is not used to all of those poses anymore, and I can already tell I'm going to be sore in the shoulders and back. Good sore though!

Had leftover grilled chicken with a salad for lunch, and come to find out we're grilling chicken with our BFFs tonight, so I guess that's kind of a lot of chicken for one day, but oh well. I'm just happy we're doing something healthy instead of ordering pizza. It's going to take enough willpower to show up with a bottle of Perrier instead of a bottle of wine, but I'm going to do it anyway! And probably get some shit for it but oh well. The weekend is fast approaching, and with it my first test of my newfound resolve. I feel great though so it's all good. Hope you all are feeling good too. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Rockin' and Rollin' and What Not

Well, it's Day 3 and I'm feeling like blogging about what's going on with me is helping, so I'm just going to keep it up. I don't know how many people are even still out there reading, but I guess this is mostly just for me anyway. If you are out there, hi! 

Today I'm up early, for me anyway, mostly because I woke up about five times last night itching my hands like crazy. My hands are both swollen, itchy, and if this is anything like the last ten years, some of my fingers will probably swell so much they crack, and in other places I'll scratch the skin right off of my hands, usually while I'm asleep. I know it sounds gross but it isn't that bad, I'm not skinless or anything. This is just another product of my psoriasis, which I've had since I was 18. Since I have psoriatic arthritis too I'm on an injection that is supposed to help both, but every once in a while I get flare-ups like this. It usually happens when I've been traveling, when the weather gets hot, or when I'm too hot when I sleep. I have no idea why, maybe dehydration, but I hate it. Itching is the worst. It drives me absolutely insane. 

Anyway, so there's that to deal with, but other than that I am feeling good. I made some amazing choices at dinner, and while I did have two bites of chocolate cake and two chocolate covered strawberries, I am absolutely fine with that. Because people, look at the things I encountered, but did NOT eat yesterday.

tortilla chips
chilled queso
cheesecake bites
warm Italian bread
three types of pasta

I mean really? Really? That is a lot of delicious food that I did not eat. But I woke up this morning feeling springy (springy? yes I just used springy) instead of with a massive food hangover, and that feels great. 

After dinner last night I came home to find that my DVR was not recording the Biggest Loser season finale, and I was pissed, but come to find out the show was on for three freaking hours, so I got to see the last hour. I wish I would have gotten to see more of the transformations, but I'm glad I saw the final three anyway. I'm actually kind of bummed Helen won, I thought it kind of sucked that she stayed and let her daughter go home. But hopefully they worked that out between the two of them and there won't be any resentment or anything like that. And hopefully the money will go toward something positive. Tara looked amazing of course, she is hot. And Mike, he's so cute. But I have to say he looked totally uncomfortable in his hipster pants. I don't think he was quite ready for that. 

Jillian and Helen are supposed to be on the Today Show this morning, so I'm hoping they come on before I leave for kickboxing. I just love Jillian. 

Aight, that's it for me. Have a wonderful day! 

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Day 1 and 2. Hanging In

I had a good day yesterday. I mean, I finally felt like I was in control of my impulses and I was able to make good choices. And I was rewarded with a three pound loss this morning, which I know of course is all the water weight and bloat I was experiencing. I ate vegetables. I ate lean protein and healthy fats. I went to kickboxing and I drank tea after dinner instead of eating ice cream. 

And today, even though it's my sister's birthday and I ate out for lunch and will eat out again for dinner, I'm still in control. I had a salad at lunch and skipped the chips. I have a plan for dinner even though we're eating Italian, which I know will be difficult for me. I do love the pasta. But I know that's not what I need right now. We're eating at a "family-style" place, meaning HUGE HUGE portions of food and we all have to figure out something to agree on, but I'm just going to make sure I fill up on as much salad as I can, and then watch my portion of anything else we choose. I will be mindful of my fullness level and I'll stop when I'm full, not when I'm stuffed. 

I think these early days are both so easy and so hard. On the one hand I feel great because I've recommitted to getting some weight off. I have goals in mind and I know what I need to do to achieve them. But the sugar cravings are there. My stomach is clearly stretched out because I'm hungry, neigh starving, even though I know I'm eating plenty. I have to constantly remind myself not to open up the pantry and grab some chips or some crackers or what have you. 

So yeah, I'm doing well right now, but I know the road is going to be hard. My first big test will be this weekend. On Saturday I'm hosting my sister's engagement party, and there will be lots of stress, but lots of merriment and lots of friends eating and drinking copious amounts. So there's that. And that will be hard. BUT I'm just going to do the best I can and try to think about WHY I'm making the choices I'm making and know that in the end, although sometimes it sucks to eat broccoli and drink water instead of wine, this is worth it for me right now. 

In other news, I also found a yoga studio in my neighborhood and called them this morning about classes. I was doing yoga quite a bit in Singapore and haven't done it at all since I've been back, and I'm really missing it. My hips are bothering me, probably from all the kickboxing I've been doing, and I know getting back into yoga will help that. I was also listening to Jillian Michael's radio show the other day and she was talking about the benefits of investing in massage, and I decided I'm going to take that to heart and schedule an appointment. Yes it's expensive and it feels like an indulgence with the crappy economy, but it's an investment in my health and I think I deserve it. 

I guess that's it for today. Gotta go get ready for dinner. Thanks for listening to my whining all the time. :) 

Monday, May 11, 2009

Thinking to Do

Hi. Long time no write. Mostly because I've been waffling about what I'm going to do. Not just about my life and my future and my career. I'm waffling day-to-day, about what goes in my mouth and what kind of workouts I'm doing and mostly I've been struggling. Somehow I can't get it moving and even though I know what the right choices are, I can't seem to make them. 

We went to Maryland over the weekend for a wedding and had a fantastic time, but looking back on it and the choices I made I think it's time I acknowledge I have some major issues with food. I mean, I guess I've known this all along, but I really need to figure out why I do the things I do. Why I sabotage any success I might have. Why I use any occasion, small or big, as an excuse to binge. This weekend I ate starburst, cheez-its, chicken strips, french fries, red velvet cake, ice cream and who knows what else, just because I was on "vacation." No other reason. Ridiculous. I came back weighing at least 5 more lbs than I did when I left. It all started the night before we left, with a giant falafel sandwich. And pretty much went straight downhill from there. 

So what is it? What are my motivations? What is behind this? Is it food addiction? Yes. Is it self-medication? Yes. Is it pure boredom? Yes. I know these things. Yet I cannot CAN. NOT. for the life of me figure out how to stop myself in the moment. How to take a step back and say, do NOT put that in your mouth. Do not continue opening Starbursts like a zombie, without even thinking about it, and put them in your mouth. Actually I can figure out how to say it, because even as I'm partaking in these bad behaviors I'm thinking I shouldn't be doing it, yet I still go ahead and do it. My brain thinks "no, no, no" and my mouth goes "yes, yes, yes." 

And I don't know how to stop it. All I can do for right now is get back on the wagon, yet again, and try to keep going. It think I feel like if I keep trying, just keep trying, no matter how many times I fail at this, one of these days I'll succeed. Today I'm feeling bloated, and gross, and like I want to do something drastic. But I know drastic never works for me, so I'm just going to go back to my normal eating habits, my HEALTHY eating habits. I'm eating nourishing, whole foods and I'm giving my body what it wants. 

I just don't want to go through another year where all I think about is the weight I'm not losing and the weight I should be losing. I really want to hit my goal weight. And if I really want it, and know how to do it, it should be attainable. It will be attainable. I'm going to keep trying, day in and day out. In the meantime I thin I've got a lot of thinking to do.