Tuesday, September 29, 2009

DC Bound

Hi hi hi! I'm going to make this quick because I'm leaving for the airport in a few minutes, but I wanted to check in before I go. This week - think I should see a loss but I won't be able to weigh in officially on my scale tomorrow because I'll be in D.C. I did weigh in this morning and was down .4, which I know is not very much and still in line with my SLOW losses, but I think by tomorrow maybe it'll be more? Who knows?

Anyway, I'm not worrying too much about what the scale says because I know I have been on track and doing things right and I feel good. This weekend was a little higher calorie, but I've come to accept that is always going to happen because I just eat out more on the weekends and even when you make good choices, there is just always MORE and you can't control things the way you can when you're at home. So yes, even though I chose the grilled fish tacos at the Mexican restaurant, I still had some tortilla chips and a Corona Light. But that is what makes life enjoyable and I am not changing that!

So my trip: I leave for DC tonight! Hooray! I'm so excited to go see some of my old friends from grad school and see my husband, who I haven't seen in what feels like FOREVER. It's only been ten days but man, I miss that boy. My flight leaves at 5:53 so I have packed some homemade trail mix, a kashi pumpkin spice flax bar, and a single serving bag of Oogies popcorn. That will have to be my dinner. I know there are no vegetables anywhere to be found in that mix, but that's just too bad. I'll have to eat my veggies tomorrow.

I feel good about this trip even though traveling is usually a death knell in my weight loss efforts. I know I will have to eat out every meal and I know that will be difficult, but I'm confident that I'm going to make good decisions. Yes there will probably be drinks with friends multiple nights in a row, but I plan to run around the mall and monuments and hit the hotel gym while the boy is working so I think I will be fine. I've been really interested to see how food bloggers like Kath and Jenna do when they're traveling. They make it seem so easy to make good choices, so I'm going to do my best to follow in their footsteps.

I'll probably be tweeting a little about my trip, but if I don't holla at ya while I'm gone I'll see you next week. Have a good one! 

Thursday, September 24, 2009

More Weights, Less Cardio

I'm here and I'm listening to happy songs today! No really, I am. I am in a good mood. I swear. This melancholy had to end at some point right?

Things are good. I took the day off from working out because rest is important. Rest! This goes back to my all or nothing mentality, but I have a hard time with rest days. I'm always afraid one will turn into two and on and on until one day, suddenly, it's been three years since I've been to the gym and I have gained 200 pounds. Yes realistically I know that's not going to happen, but still.

The one thing I've been hitting really hard this week is weights, actually Body Pump classes to be specific. I normally focus a bit more on cardio, but from everything I've been reading lately, it appears I need to chill on the cardio bunny side of myself and try to hit weights 2-3 times a week hard, and do shorter, harder cardio intervals. If I go to Body Pump tomorrow morning, I will have done weights three times this week, and I can't remember the last time I did that. I work out consistently, but I just dread weights so I do them once, maybe MAYBE twice a week. I think the main problem is I don't feel like I burn a ton of calories when I lift weights, so somehow I think that kind of workout isn't "good enough."

I know now that is old-fashioned mentality and chronic cardio can lead to inflammation (something this arthritis-suffering girl doesn't need any more of) and over-use injuries (also do not need). So I'm chilling on the running (will still go to kickboxing because I LOVE it and why should I stop doing something I love?) and am doing more weights. It should be interesting to see my progress because I know I'll be burning less calories a week than I typically do and that sort of freaks the number-crunching, calorie-counting side of me out, but I think it's worth a shot to see what happens.

Aside from that, all is well in my little world. I'm looking forward to the season premiere of Grey's tonight. My sister is coming over and we are ordering in Thai food and watching it together, so that should be some nice bonding time. I plan to get tofu in peanut sauce with broccoli and of course will only eat a proper portion size thank you very much. Oh and no wine because tomorrow is a friend's birthday and we are going to Octoberfest. Yikes. I will be successful though. You can count on that!


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Only Happy Songs

Okay miraculously, I lost .4 lbs this week. I am not happy with that because I am not going to work my butt off 75% of the time just to let it all go to hell 25% of the time and end up with what amounts to maintaining. It is just a waste of freaking time.

Clearly I have some issues to deal with. I am happy, you know? I'm happy, I have a good life. I love my husband, I love my dog. I love my house and my family and my neighborhood. I know that I'm lacking a sense of purpose in my life right now and that is causing me some stress, especially because I'm not sure how or where to find that purpose. I keep thinking I want a job, but the idea of going back to work full time in my field stresses me out. Not that there is anything available at the moment anyway. Then I think I'll go back to school. I'm taking a class right now that I'm really enjoying. But looking at the requirements for admittance and the idea of spending all that money on a phd stresses me out too. Because what if I still can't find my purpose, even after all of that. Part of me just thinks I need to hold out a little longer because something will eventually just HAPPEN, but part of me thinks I need to make things happen. I don't know.  On that part I am just confused.

I just tend to get really introspective, and I think that just increases when the boy is out of town because I spend a lot of time by myself. I think about who I am and what I want and what I would have thought of who I am today when I was 15. But you know, I was kind of an idiot when I was 15 in a lot of ways, so maybe it's okay if I'm not exactly the person I thought I was going to be.

It's just that I have the same struggles, the same struggles about myself, my weight, my purpose in life, what I want to do, who I want to be. It's as if I've gotten nowhere and here it is, I've doubled my life span, yet inside I'm still this angry teenager kicking and screaming and wondering why I am who I am. Why wasn't I born a skinny supermodel? Why don't I have a genius grant? I'm just an ordinary American girl struggling with the same shit as a ton of other people, putting myself in boxes and giving myself labels that I don't really want, and I definitely don't need.

I know my self-worth does not exist entirely in how much I weigh. Nor does it lie in my job description. It's who I am and the choices I make each day, and I am a good person. I care about other people, and I want the world to be a better place. I am sick of putting this crap on myself every day and I'm done listening to sad songs on my iPod. Only happy songs today. Only happy songs.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dinner for One

Grilled swiss, pear and spinach on Ezekial bread with a spinach, pear and walnut salad on the side.

Monday, September 21, 2009


Monday monday. It is dreary and COLD here. Summer is officially over. Or that's what everyone keeps saying. I just got home from taking the dog on a walk and my fingers are so cold I can hardly type. This weekend was not a success at all. I am not going to lie. As I wrote on Friday, I had a shitty night on Thursday. I was determined to get back on the wagon after that, but it just did not happen.

On Friday I guess food wasn't so bad - I had a relatively healthy sushi dinner. But oh the booze. There were three girls at dinner. We split a bottle of wine between the three of us. Fine. Then we went back to E.'s house and proceeded to drink two more bottles of wine. That's one bottle per person. Oops. I'm not sure I did indeed drink an entire bottle, but still. It was enough where I certainly couldn't drive my car. Which means I missed kickboxing on Saturday morning because we had to go get it. And it was pretty much downhill from there.

We went to brunch. We had pizza for dinner. I'm not even going to go into the details. Last night I may have had ice cream for dinner. Wow. It was ugly.

The boy left to go out of town yesterday and I am bummed that he is gone. It just feels lonely around here. Not to mention the cold dreary weather makes me want to eat mac and cheese or some other equally bad for you comfort food. I guess I'm still in my cranky pants mood. I blame it on my period. I'm also having another "I hate the world" joblessness cycle. I haven't even had an interview in weeks. I know it's to the point where I know I should just go get a job in retail or something but I just don't want to. Sometimes it feels like the walls are just closing in on me.

I'm trying to do things to combat these feelings. I've got my other new blog. I'm taking a class. I'm reading. I'm venting here, even though I'm sure this is not the kind of thing you're looking for if you came here for a weight loss blog. It's all whine whine whine.

It's just an ongoing process. Today I am picking myself up off of the floor and I'm dealing. I'm going to make turkey chili for dinner because it's a nice comfort food but it's healthy, and I can eat the leftovers all week. I'm going to give myself permission to watch a movie this afternoon, and watch lots of new TV tonight. I will get to the gym this afternoon. I may not see a loss this week, but that will be okay. There is always next week.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Little Miss Cranky Pants

Should be happier that it's Friday but I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Or rather "got up" because I barely slept at all last night. I've been having trouble sleeping for quite some time, and I KNOW the things that cause it and yet I continue to do them anyway. When I don't sleep I miss my workout (this morning) and I just want to eat all day and I'm cranky. I'm also pissed at myself because if we're using the wagon metaphor, I got ran over last night.

I should have known this was going to happen. I was having major PMS issues yesterday, just feeling emotional and tired and pissed off about my job situation and life in general. So of course when my sister wanted to go to happy hour, I said yes. Where I promptly drank three margaritas and ate my body weight in tortilla chips. Have some salt much? And sugar? No wonder I couldn't sleep last night. Ugh. At the end of the day, the happy hour did not make me happier. Must remember that in the future.

I did end up going to the gym this morning, but I did sort of a half-assed weight workout instead of the Body Pump class I had planned. I have a massage scheduled for this afternoon which I'm really looking forward to, so hopefully that will get me out of my funk and help relax me a little. I'm also trying to drink a ton of water to flush that salt out of my body.

Tonight - sushi with the girls, and then tomorrow I'm going to kickboxing in the morning and hanging with the boy all day before he leaves for Denmark for 10 days. I still plan on showing a loss this week - I  just know I am going to have to work really hard this weekend to make that happen.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Weigh In, Body Pump, BL

Okay let's get this over with. Weighed today and I'm down .8, sitting at 173 even. Down 3.6 lbs total over the past three weeks. SO SLOW. I was thinking about it this morning because I was a little annoyed with the scale after such a small loss and I realize that I'm pretty much never happy with my loss. If it's .8, I always want it to be 1. Last week it was 1.6, and I wanted it to be 2. Would I be happy if I was losing 3 pounds every week? I don't know. Maybe I would wish it was 4.

The bottom line is, I need to stop beating myself up over it and be happy with the results I am getting. Yes it's only 3.6 lbs, but I am being consistent, and I need to be proud of that. I have losses three weeks in a row, and that is awesome! I think I am getting anxious over this looming 170 mark because I'm afraid that I'll get there and then I'll just gain again like I have in the past, so I want to bust through it as quickly as possible. I have to accept that it might take another three weeks, or even more, for me to get into the 160's. And that's okay, because in the long run, three weeks is not a big deal. Zen thoughts and deep breaths because I am not going to let myself get worked up over this. Ommmmmmmmmm.

Moving on, I went to my first Body Pump class at the gym this morning and holy lord, I think I am going to be massively sore tomorrow. It's sort of weird because I know I didn't burn a ton of calories and that makes me nervous, but it's a strength class and I definitely burned out my muscles. As I mentioned on twitter this morning, I won't be surprised if I can't lift my arms over my head to blow dry my hair tomorrow morning. (Aside, my updates are protected, but only because I'm paranoid, so please feel free to send me a follow request).

So I know everyone is talking about this already, but I wanted to give my thoughts on the Biggest Loser premiere last night. I have been looking forward to the show for quite some time and for me, it did not disappoint. As you probably know, I love Jillian and think she's great. The screaming was a little intense at times, but I accept that we see about 30 seconds of footage and she's spending hours upon hours with these contestants. She has her methods and I think she's been pretty damn successful, so I like it. I also really liked seeing the workouts - that Jacob's Ladder thing she had Shay on looks a little like a medieval torture machine. I think I'd like to try it.

I'm really glad we don't have family members on together this season, I think it's good to allow people to focus on themselves and not have to worry about their mom/dad/brother/wife/husband etc. I am also really thrilled that Daniel came back and am rooting for him to do well. Of course Abby's story made me cry like a baby and I can already tell I like Rebecca, I think because I can really relate to her "pretty face" comment that she says she gets all the time, although who knows if that will change as the season goes on. I just hope we don't have a lot of backstabbing, game play and crappy people like we have had on season's past. I know I will definitely be looking forward to Tuesday nights. I just think the show is so motivational and it makes me want to improve my life.

That's it for now I think. I hope everyone is having a great Wednesday. Hugs and tears.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Hunger Strikes

Today is a really hard day and I just need to vent. I want to eat everything in site and I am having trouble handling it. This weekend has been okay, both Friday and Saturday were high(er) calorie days, but I worked out and it was nothing out of control. Today though, I just woke up and WANT TO EAT.

We went to breakfast at a local joint the boy loves, and I got my usual veggie benedict. I was hungry but since that is a really high calorie dish I tried to exercise portion control so I only ate a little more than half and a few of the potatoes, so that was a success. Aside from a few errands, we've been home pretty much all afternoon watching football (HOLY COW BRONCOS, that was close) and it has been a constant battle to stop myself from going into the kitchen. I had some olives. Then I had some strawberries. Then I had some crackers and hummus. And a pice of cheese. Aaahh!

Maybe it's my period coming, or maybe my body is just fighting this weight loss thing but I am hungry! It's only 5, but I think I just need to make a big, healthy meal for dinner and be done with it. Nom nom nom.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Books, Brownies and Bells

I reserved The End of Overeating at the library and guess what number I am on the waiting list? 141! Holy crap I guess a lot of people had the same idea I did. I could technically go purchase it but I am trying to cut down on my spending and the library has really been helping with that, so I guess I'll just wait. In the meantime I decided to reserve Naturally Thin, which I've heard pretty good things about. That should be ready for pick up at my local branch in a few days so I'll let you know what I think. I follow Bethenny on twitter and really love her SkinnyGirl margarita (let's face it it's mostly just tequila) so I think it should be an interesting read, if anything.

Yesterday I was having a bit of a craving for chocolate and I got an email from Wh0le Foods about these black bean brownies, so I decided what the heck and decided to give them a shot. Brownies with beans in them? Weird. But OMG they were (are) so good. I cut them into teeny tiny pieces and did the math on Spark People and they came out to about 100 calories each. Perfect little dessert, if you can stop at one. I will be giving most of them away I'm sure.
Man I really need to work on the food photography. So speaking of the brownies, I guess it's about time I spilled the beans here. I started a new blog, it's called (non)Working Girl. It's mostly about my life as an unemployed, 20-something (okay almost 30) woman and it gives me a chance to write, which is what i really love to do. I've still got a lot of work to do in terms of design, etc. but I've been posting so I figured I may as well mention it here. I would love it if you would visit, but I understand if you don't because it's not really weight loss-related. I will be sharing this blog with my friends and family in real life, so if you do come by, please don't mention this blog. Thanks for understanding. :) 
In other news, the boy recently purchased a kettlebell and will be attending a class on what to do with said kettlebell tonight, so I'm really interested to see how that goes. I would like to use them as well but I'm kind of waiting to see what he learns before I check it out. Unfortunately we don't have any at my gym and I don't want to pay to go to another class, so I'll probably have to rely on what he learns and videos we find on the Internet if I do want to give them a shot. Also, I think the weight he purchased is going to be quite a bit too heavy for me, so if I do want to try it out, I'm going to have to buy another one that is just my size. ;) 
That's it for now. Hope you all have a great day! 

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Weigh In

Wow I was on such a posting roll and then one silly Labor Day weekend ruined it all. I won't lie, it was a hardcore weekend, and there were some not-so-great moments, but that is life, and for the most part, I did well. You know how I know? Because I weighed in today and was down 1.6! Yay! Oh I would love to see another loss next week because I never get losses three weeks in a row, so I am going to work it as hard as I can. And I want to get the hell out of the 170's. They are my nemesis.

I have to say it feels really good to be on track and doing well. I'm trying not to be too OCD about it all, but it's kind of hard. I get a little reclusive when I'm really focusing on weight loss because I know social events can really throw me off track, so I'm trying not to do that this time around. Why do so many social events revolve around food? And why do I suddenly lose sight of my goals when confronted with chips, salsa and margaritas? I do not know. It's like some kind of wire trips in my brain and I just lose my mind. Maybe I'll read that book The End of Overeating and it will give me some insight. I've heard it's pretty mind-blowing.

Until I figure it out for good, I guess I'll just stick to being mindful of every bite. One day at a time and all. Just keep swimming. Etc. Etc. Etc. :)

Friday, September 04, 2009


Hi. I think this might be a random post because I have a lot of random things on my mind.

1. Sorry if yesterday's post was too snarky. I think I was in a bad mood. I'm better now.

2. Even though I just said I was sorry about complaining about things, I'm going to complain about one more thing: guy at the gym, if you have to GRUNT that loud, your weights are too heavy. Also, don't ever use the phrase "sling some iron" again. Seriously.

3. I got my lip waxed today. Never done that before. I've been doing my eyebrows for some time, but I have really light hair and have never had a problem with the lip before. Lately though, even those light fuzzies have been bothering me. So off it went. It hurt like a mother, but I think I like it. When it comes to my lady parts, I stick to shaving. I've done the waxing thing down there and I guess I'm just too sensitive (aka I'm a wuss).

4. Foodwise, I have been AMAZING this week. I am so proud. The weekend will be the test as per usual, but I am feeling great. The food landmines start at lunch out with my sister, then happy hour with friends tonight, then the boy and I are going to this new fancy "local food" restaurant tomorrow, so we shall see. Oh and it's labor day so I know there will be a BBQ and beer involved somewhere. I will persevere though. I am kind of a badass like that, don't know if you knew it or not.

5. Workouts: eh, not sure if I'll make the 350 minutes this week. I ended up taking a rest day yesterday and did ten minutes on the stepmill and about 40 minutes of weight training today, but that leaves me with 100 minutes to do tomorrow. Don't think that's gonna happen. Oh well, still had lots of great workouts and I'll get close enough. Maybe I'll ride my bike to happy hour. That counts right?

6. So we have a hot tub right? We've had it for the entire time we've owned our house (3 years) and it has never worked. For some reason the boy has taken it upon himself to get it up and running, and the word on the street is he is close to fixing it. So I might have a hot tub soon! Yippeeee! I can't wait to sit in it after snowboarding this year.

7. I love my dog so much.

8. That is all for now. Have a great weekend.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Take Your Advice and Shove It

There was an interesting article in the New York Times yesterday about trainers and other health club employees giving unsolicited advice to people working out at they gym. The article doesn't really come to any conclusions, it mostly just interviews a few people, some who would bristle at unsolicited advice, and some who would welcome it.

It got me thinking though, and honestly I think even if a trainer was just trying to be helpful, if someone came over and told me that I should really let go of the stair climber to burn more calories or I should tuck my hips under when I'm doing lunges, I don't think I'd like it. In fact I think I'd hate it. I do welcome it when I'm taking a class, but I think then I've chosen to do a workout where there is an instructor and I'm sort of obligated to listen to their direction. But if I haven't asked you for it, please don't give it to me.

Even though I go to a crazy crowded gym, I think of my workouts as "me" time. I am very private, I don't really like to chat or make small talk, even when others try. I think it's just the way I maintain my focus. And I also think I have a hard time with criticism, even if it is constructive. Couple that with a situation in which I'm already VERY sensitive (my body, my weight, etc.) and you might just have a recipe for disaster. Or else a very stabby Jeni.

On the surface you might say, well if you really want to improve your fitness level, you should welcome this kind of advice shouldn't you? Maybe so, but you have to look at the reality of the situation. I work out at a big (cheap) chain gym where at least half of the trainers probably got their certification online, have about six months of experience and can't remember what they had for breakfast, let alone how best to work out the quadricep muscle. I know there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, I think I probably know just as much, if not more, about fitness than quite a few of them. Or maybe that's just my superiority complex talking. Who knows?

The point is, I am hostile to unsolicited advice. If I ask you for it, by all means bring it on. But if I'm running my ass off on the treadmill, jamming to some punk rock music, and you make me stop to tell me I should turn my feet inward a little more, I might have to cut you. Just sayin.'

The same goes for dieting really. I mean how many times have you had someone say, "oh, you're trying to lose weight? You should join weight watchers, go low carb, get lap band, go vegetarian, count calories, go low fat" and on and on and on. ORLY? Ya think? Thanks for the advice. I'll get right on that.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Weigh In

Weighed today - down 1.2 lbs since I "re-dedicated myself" last Tuesday, putting me at 175.4 this week.

I dunno, I kind of have mixed feelings about it. Part of me feels like oh, it's my first week back on track, I should be down 3 or 4 lbs, some kind of huge loss, etc. But I guess mostly I'm really happy to see the scale moving down, and know that I'm not having to totally restrict entire food groups or anything like that. I didn't do Phase 1 of South Beach or any other "program." I just counted my calories and upped my exercise and watched the crap intake. Geez, for all the reading and research I do, you'd think this was rocket science.

It's so easy on the surface isn't it? Just eat less and move more. That's what "they" say. Well yes. It's the mental part that makes it so difficult. And when you are so on top of it, doing all the right things and using every ounce of strength you have to not order the fries at the baseball game, then it's just sort of hard not to be disappointed with 1.2 lbs. I need instant gratification! I am American after all. ;)

The 350 min. at the gym thing is still happening. So far this week I've done the following:

Mon: 60 min. kickboxing class
Tuesday: 60 min. boot camp class
Wed: 60 min. kickboxing class + 20 min. incline treadmill walk

That's 200 minutes so far, meaning I have the rest of the week to get in another 150. I'll probably do this athletic training/weights class the gym tomorrow and kickboxing on Saturday, and then add 15 minutes or so to each of those workouts to get to my goal. It is still a LOT of exercise but I like having a goal like that to work toward each week instead of sort of haphazardly going here and there. And I'm probably overdoing the kickboxing, but for right now I really like it and it's a hell of a workout, so I don't really see it being a problem. If it gets old or not hard or boring, then I'll change it up.

I bought stuff to make homemade pizza (whole wheat crust, lots of veggies on top) so we'll have that for dinner tonight. I'm a regular Suzy homemaker right now, (still no job on the horizon) but it is what it is and I'm learning to embrace it. I'll be writing more about that soon. Now I'm off to get my hair did, which will hopefully be a nice self-esteem boost. I love that fresh salon feeling. ;)