Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Okay I have been on the phone. Calling and making appointments and figuring this out. I now have appointments with two different advisors in the state of Colorado regarding their Dietetics program. As far as I can tell, this is serious stuff. I mean this isn't just take one class and then all of the sudden you're a dietician. No, there is lots of chemistry and biology and stuff that this English major never even considered taking. And it could take years. Years where I'm not making any money, in fact where I'm paying to be in school AGAIN. But you know what? I'm excited!

Even if I don't end up pursuing a degree in Dietetics, I feel good about taking the time to look into these programs and schedule these meetings and learn more about it. And yes, part of me is nervous about going into these meetings and having advisors wonder why an overweight girl wants to be come a Dietician, but you know what, I'm not gonna let that bother me. I'm just not. I'm interested in this, and yes my body isn't perfect and I still have work to do, but I'm done letting my body hold me back. 

I was excited to learn today that even if I don't decide to pursue this degree, I might be able to take an intro to nutrition class this summer, which could be really cool and fun. Or maybe totally boring? Who knows. But at least it's a possibility. 

And since I've spent the entire afternoon on my computer and on the phone, I haven't gotten anything else accomplished today. I guess that's okay too since I'm thinking about my FUTURE and my CAREER and all that crap. Yay. 

My mom is coming over in about an hour to help me address invites for my sister's engagement party, then we're going over to the location to decide on the food we'll be serving. I guess that means lots of little bites and nibbles of this and that for dinner, but hopefully I can refrain from overdoing it. I know there will be hummus involved, and I love hummus, so hopefully its all good. On that note, I'm off to pick up the house so my mom doesn't yell at me about how dirty it is (don't ya love being scared of what your mom thinks even at the ripe old age of 29?). Hope everyone is having a great day. 

Monday, April 20, 2009

Career Outlook?

Eh. I just feel eh. Can't really think of any other way to describe it. So much crap has been going on in my life, and sadly none of it is really that positive. I keep thinking I should be footloose and fancy free or carefree or some other crap, but if I honestly examine my feelings most of the time, I'm pissed off, sad, angry or just plain annoyed. I'm still sort of feeling that apathy I was talking about in my last post I guess. 

Part of it is my current job situation. I had an interview, two interviews and then they took me out to lunch and schmoozed me and and showed me the office and I was so, so excited because I thought finally, finally! I'm going to get a job and go back to work. I thought I had it in the bag.It wasn't my dream job, but it was a good job and I was happy that my career wasn't going down the shitter anymore and I was going to make some money and feel like a contributing member of our household and it was going to be good. I would wear pants again on a regular basis. Not just workout clothes, which I practically live in now. 

Then the recruiter called and left me a message on my voicemail telling me they had offered it to another candidate. What?!? Why take me out to lunch? Why the schmoozing? What did I do wrong? I am not going to lie, I cried. A lot. I just didn't get it. I was rejected. I hate being rejected. I finally talked to my would-be boss and he told me they were worried I was a little overqualified, that I might be bored, etc. and although he gave valid reasons, it still really hurts. I don't like being told no. I am not good at processing no. I automatically go to the "I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough" place and that is not a good place for me to be. 

I cried and ate a lot of frozen yogurt and then I went to Texas to see my dad/stepmom/stepsisters and I ate so much food when I was there. As is typical, I totally reverted back to my childhood behavior and comforted myself with lots and lots of food. Good Mexican food. I'll bet I ate 1,000 calories worth of tortilla chips alone one day. I did go on a run while I was down there, which was the talk of the family. Everyone was so amazed by one little run. And both of my grandfathers made semi-inappropriate comments on how I'd lost weight (they hadn't seen me since I'd been back from Singapore). Still, I came home from Texas and I had gained about 6 lbs. Most of that was water weight blah blah and I took most of it right back off, but I'm still up a bit and I can see myself on that brink. I don't think I'm ready to just maintain for a few months. Maybe that's what I'll end up doing, but I think I still need to try. 

Now that I'm back in Denver, I'm still pissed off about the job situation and I feel like I'm back at square one. My husband has really encouraged me to think about what I want to do with myself, and I keep coming back to my interest in diet/fitness. Maybe I should pursue a career in this after all? But what kind of career? I don't think fitness trainer. As much as I love the gym, it's just not for me. I'm not mentally or physically ready to pursue that and I think it's possible I have too many issues with my body for me to ever be ready for that. So what else is there?

Well... I started thinking about it and I thought maybe I could become a registered dietician? It's not easy to do, it takes a lot of schooling and a degree and then passing another test and that all takes time and money. But I'm still young enough, and even though I have a career and two degrees already, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere at the moment so maybe I do have the time do pursue something else, something I'm actually already pretty passionate about? 

There are two Universities in the Denver area that offer R.D. programs, so I sent them both emails about my credentials and about whether or not they have openings, and I actually heard back from one and may be meeting with the director of the University of Northern Colorado's program this week! This is all very early days, so I'm not getting too excited about anything yet, but at least I can pick her brain about what the market is like for dieticians right now and find out whether or not this might be something I'd actually want to do. 

There are so many things to consider. I'd have to commute to Greeley for this program, which is NOT close (1 hour 10 minutes away) but maybe I could cluster my classes in such a way that I'd only have to do it a couple of times a week? I'd also have to take a LOT of science classes, which might be hard for this former English major, but you know, I think I'm pretty smart and I can handle it. I'd also have to find the money, and resign myself to not having a job for at least two years, if not more, and that is kind of a scary thing. And what if I never get to my goal weight and then I'm this overweight dietician? Isn't that kind of hypocritical? AND we've been thinking about the pregnancy thing, and what if being in school and having a baby is too much for me? And what if I go back to school, and I decide to do this, and then I'm not happy with this either? What if I'm never happy? I don't know.

I do know it's something I'm at least interested in exploring, and even if that's all it ever is, at least I'll have looked into it and I'll know that I'm not letting life just pass me by, I'm actively thinking about what I want to do and who I want to be. I'm still trying to think about other jobs/things I could do in this field, because clearly it's a hobby of mine, and I haven't come up with much. All I know is each as each new week comes and goes, I get more and more upset about my situation, my lack of a job, a direction, a purpose, and I think something has to change. 

Friday, April 03, 2009


Well I guess I'm not THAT ready to get back on track. I think I'm stuck in this up down cycle because I'm at a place where I'm sort of happy with my weight. I don't know if happy is the right word. But I'm content. I'm in an OKAY place I mean. I don't know how to say it right because I'm not content, I still have more weight to lose and I want to lose it, but I think I'm in this middle place where I'm not feeling SO bad about things. 

I'm not depressed every single day. I'm healthy, for the most part. I wear a size 14, sometimes a 12, which means I can shop at regular stores, for the most part. I can keep up at the gym, for the most part. Here in the U.S., even though I live in the fittest state in the nation, I can usually walk into a restaurant or a shop and know that I'm not the biggest person in the room. (This was so not the case in Singapore). And I have some level of body confidence. Sure I'm not prancing around in a bikini yet, not that I'd ever prance, but you know, I'm not there yet. I'm still pinching at my arms when I'm in a tank top. 

For some reason though, I'm at a place where I WANT to care, but when it comes down to it, when it comes down to making the right choices and not drinking that beer or eating those nachos, I just don't. I just don't care. 

So now what? Maybe I'll care more once the sun starts shining and wearing a swimsuit becomes an actual possibility. Maybe I'll care when I go to buy those designer jeans and I have to go to the men's section because the women's are all too small. Maybe I'll care after I have lunch with my friend who just had twins and already has her razor sharp hip bones jutting over the top of her jeans. 

I don't know. I know I still have some weight to lose so that I can be fit and healthy and be in the best possible shape for my body. But I also know that some of those pounds are purely vanity pounds. Ten pounds, those are maybe health pounds. Twenty pounds, those are probably vanity pounds. 

When I look back, I've basically been maintaining my weight since we returned from Asia. I've been bouncing up and down here and there, but for the most part it's been 3-4 months of pure maintenance. Which is good, it leads me to believe I can maintain. But that sad part is, I've really just been maintaining under the guise of "trying" to lose. And I know I'm not being honest unless I admit that I haven't really been trying at all. 

It is a fact that I still have some weight to lose. How much is debatable. But how do I get to that place where I care again? I don't want it to have to come to one of those moments where I break a chair in an Italian restaurant in front of my entire extended family (yes, I've done that and no, I don't think I'll ever recover). I want it to matter because it should matter and wearing a 14 is great because it's not a 20 anymore, but it's not good enough. Problem is, right now it sort of is. 

I don't know what to do. Maybe the answer is to focus on trying to maintain and not actually losing for a few months? And then maybe by June or July I'll be ready to try again? Or should I just shut the eff up and do it and lose this weight for good and quit worrying about it? (Like it's so easy ha ha). Or should I just get over the vanity pounds? I don't know. I'm so apathetic it's becoming pathetic. Is that possible? Blah blah blah I'm probably going to be talking about this forever. Ugh.