Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Lonely Wednesday

Lonely right now. Husband is out of town and the days at work are long. I race home to spend some time with my poor little dog (who is also lonely I think) but then when I get here I wonder why I was in such a hurry. Because it's just me. Just me and a frozen dinner. And my little dog.

Gym time is basically non existent because I can't bear the idea of leaving the little guy by himself for one more minute. He even went to daycare today, but they close at 7 so I had to head back to Denver right after work instead of hitting the gym. Blah blah excuses but it really is hard to find the time, and motivation, when work is so crazy and the commute sucks so bad and I have another little life (even if it is just a dog) relying on me.

I am doing okay - I lost 1.4 last week and I think I should go down another pound or so this week too - but I just don't feel excited about it. I don't feel like woo hoo I'm kicking ass and I have my weight loss mojo and I'm totally focused and rah rah rah woo hoo carrots. I don't feel it.

I think I'm just sick of doing this. I'm sick of losing the same 15 lbs. And then gaining it. And then having to lose it again.

I'm sick of thinking about it and worrying about it and having it be such a huge part of my identity.

I want it just to be easy to not have to think about it and for the weight to just come off and finally just stay off once and for all.

But I know that's not going to happen. I know I'll always have to think about it. Always. As in - forever always. So right now, I'm thinking about it, but not too much. I'm almost on autopilot. And yes, for this week, and maybe next week, I'm doing okay and the numbers are moving in the right direction. Hopefully I can keep that happening, but I need to find that groove.

I need to find the mojo kick ass woo hoo carrots groove. I know I'll get it back at some point. But if I can keep faking it, and keep losing a pound a week while I'm at it, I think that's okay with me too.


Lynne said...

You're my girl, jeni! And you really are an inspiration!
Remember, a pound is a pound, and be proud of yourself in that. It's so hard this time of year. Hell, it's so hard in general!
I too am sick of gaining and losing the same 15 lbs. I think that's why I pretty much went MIA over the last few months. But the important thing is that in the end when you get sick of thinking about it, worrying about it, and working at it, you still put yourself to it because you know you're worth it!
So keep at it girl! You're my inspiration!

jodi said...

1.4 pounds is nothing to look down upon - that's right in the middle of a healthy range for losing weight... i know it's frustrating to lose/gain the same weight and yea, it gets really old after a while... for me, instead of worrying about it all the time - i just accepted that this is how it's going to be... if i decide to not exercise or to overeat for a few days - seeing a gain on the scale shouldn't upset me (because that's what will happen)...

this process will never be easy - regardless of how many pounds you want to lose... keeping a positive outlook and knowing that any little thing can help - makes a huge difference... :o)

Fatinah said...

I think my mojo must be with yours.....

Kim said...

AMEN SISTER! But we both know that no matter how hard it is to face a lifetime of "dealing" with it - we will be better off for it. You can do it. You'll find your mojo again. :)