Body Types

Woo hoo I am sore as a mother today after all of those pushups and squats. Tomorrow is going to be painful. The workout was tough tonight too, as usual. I pushed myself hard tonight because I was sort of pissed about the choice I had made for lunch. Grilled cheese and fries = weight gain, not weight loss. Oh well I guess that's what the flex points are for.

I was looking around at boot camp tonight and the variety of body types there really struck me. Even among those who are really fit, there is such a wide variety. There's the tall skinny guy who can run like the wind and the short, hard-bodied muscle girl who can do 50 pushups no problem. There's me - average height, overweight, but with muscle underneath. There's a girl who probably weighs about 105 pounds. There's a guy who's thin, but is skinny-fat and is working on building muscle. There's apples and oranges and hourglasses and whatever those other names for body types are. Why do we even have those names anyway? Who cares?

But we have one thing in common. We are there, and we're there to work it. Every night. We're there to use our bodies in every possible way. To run and jump and squat and do pushups and push our bodies to the limit. And I think that's what I really like about boot camp. There's no gym bunnies just trying to look hot. Everyone is supremely dedicated and no one is there to judge you (or me). We're there to make the most of our bodies - to use our bodies as the gifts they are. Thinking about what my body can - and will- do just amazes me.

I signed up for the next session of boot camp tonight. I'm stoked.

Bleh

Yowzer I am going to be sore tomorrow. We did 400 squats at boot camp tonight and attempted 400 pushups (some people did it, but I'm not quite that fantastic yet). It seemed impossibly hard, yet I did it. First we did a quick run, then we came back and started alternating pushups/squats. 25 pushups. 25 squats. 10 pushups. 25 squats. 15 pushups. 20 pushups. 25 squats. And on. And on. And on.

It was ridiculous. And I thought I was going to yuke about an hour into class. It's weird, I've worked out really hard before. I've run sprints and done suicides and pushed my heart rate to the max. I've never puked from working out before. There have been times when I thought I was going to, but I never have.

Tonight was different though. My heart rate wasn't that high, because we had rest periods between sets in order to let our muscles relax a little. But that pukey feeling came on strong - probably stronger than I've ever felt before. My theory is that I was using those big muscles - my quads and my pecs, more than I ever have in one sitting and those muscles were dumping something into my system that made me want to barf. Maybe it was lactic acid. Or maybe it was toxins that built up in my body after a day or two of rest. Maybe this is all bullshit and I was nauseous because the apple I ate for a snack was bad or I'm on my period or any number of reasons, but it was gross.

I came home knowing I need protein, but I just couldn't stomach the idea of chicken or cottage cheese or anything like that. I ended up making a smoothie with frozen berries, fat free yogurt and some protein powder. Along with my smoothie I had a piece of wheat bread with peanut butter and honey. Some protein, some fat, and some fast acting carbs to replenish those glycogen stores I lost while working out. Wow, sometimes I can't get over how much I know about exercise and nutrition. You'd think I'd be skinny by now right?

I still don't feel great, but I'm hoping it's nothing a good night's sleep can't fix.

In other news, I loved the Oscars last night. Especially Marky Mark W. Is he a smokin' hot fox or what? He's come a long way since that funky bunch. I was also pleasantly surprised to see that most of the women up there weren't all skin and bones. Just some of them. Could it be that Hollywood is making progress?

Better

It's amazing how the light of day can change your perspective. Waking up this morning I still feel a little twinge of regret for my choices yesterday, but overall I just feel happier and more confident. And it's only been a few hours. There's something about the beginning of the day that just feels fresh - like you have so many options ahead of you. I can do anything I choose with this day.

Today that means I've started with a healthy breakfast and I'm going to make the most of what's left of my weekend. Walk the dogger, hit Whole Foods and maybe go get a new sports bra. Gotta keep the girls supported if this week in boot camp if you know what I mean.

Oh and I want to make a good dinner with chicken and sweet potatoes as two of the main ingredients. I'm going to peruse all of my cookbooks and Cooking Light mags today but if anyone has any ideas, let me know.

Counting

So I sort of forgot how quickly points can add up. The past two days have been hard. Luckily I've been working my ass off at the boot camp so I have lots of activity points to use but still. I'm using the flex points up quickly. Eh, it's cool. I like the counting.

Today was a good day. I felt productive and happy and not like a fat person. Until tonight when I had some of a frozen pizza, and I got back inside my head about food and weight and blah and now I'm just feeling crappy. I mean it's just a frozen pizza and I just had one serving but it makes me feel icky.

So why does losing weight have to be such an all or nothing affair for me? Why can't I ever focus on the good things I've done - like the fact that I worked out for five days this week and I mostly make good choices and I like vegetables and all that other schnozz? Instead I worry so much about the chocolate and pizza and the laziness and the fact that the only way the scale seems to be going is up. It's maddening.

Today I went on a jog around Sloan's Lake. I didn't stop to walk one time. It felt incredible. The wind blowing in my face and the sun over the mountains. It was cold and windy and sunny and it was outside. I love outside. I miss outside. I want February to be over. I want it to be summer again. But then it will be back to the sleeveless tops and I'll have something else to complain about.

Wow

Boot camp is intense. And awesome! I love it. I was in serious pain all of last week, but it's a good pain. So it's Monday through Thursday - an hour and a half each night after work. The first day we did a bunch of tests - how many situps, pushups, jump ups, etc. can you do in two minutes time. Let's just say I have a long way to go. There are people in the camp who have done five and six and seven of these in a row. They are hardcore. One girl has lost seventy pounds (combination of course of diet and exercise).

The cool thing is - everyone is super encouraging. It's a hard core workout no doubt, but you never feel like you can't do it. You just keep on keepin on and then suddenly, it's over. Last week I was so sore. So freaking sore. Thursday was the last day and we did these pushup/pullup things - my pectoral muscles are still sore and its Monday! I took Friday, Saturday and Sunday off - and felt so lazy. I won't be doing that this weekend. Being that active felt so good, and then just to sit for three days felt like it was undoing all of that good. I know my body needed the rest, but still. I've got to keep it moving at least five days a week. So this week it's four of boot camp, then at least one long run/gym trip/spin class or something along those lines.

So with all this working out, I should be buff, right? Unfortunately the food portion of the equation has not been computing. So today I signed up for WW online - a free trial for a week. I've been tracking my calories on and off with Spark People, but it doesn't seem to be helping keep me accountable and I just don't track if I have an off day. That's not really the way it should work, you know?

I've done WW online in the past and done well with it. I've never been to meetings, but tracking points has been a good thing for me in year's past. And with a weeks free trial, tracking points should help keep me accountable when it comes to food. I'm going to see how this week goes and then decide whether or not I want to keep tracking points and whether or not I need to pay $15/month to do that. I'm pretty sure I can do that on my own, but having the tracker might help. And so far, I think I like the new beta version they have. And maybe for once, I'll actually lose weight this week.

So things have not been good. I'm struggling hardcore. I'm bursting into tears at the thought of trying to choose where to go for lunch. I'm overeating , nay binging, and not working out and wallowing in self-pity and overall not dealing with my food issues very well. There's a lot of negative self talk going on here.

Basically, I haven't known what to post here because all I can think to say is how much I suck. I haven't been commenting on your blogs. I haven't been answering emails.

So I've taken drastic measures.

Tomorrow I start a five week boot camp. I'm excited and terrified at the same time and I hope the intense workouts are going to give me the strength I need to confront my issues with food. I'm full of hope really - although I fear I've already fucked it up.

My intention for this weekend was to try to eat right and rest up for what I know is going to be a very intense week. Instead we had a small gathering at our house last night, drank way too much vodka, and nursed a hangover with a ton of crappy food today. I feel like shit. And tomorrow I have to do a fitness test that will gauge how many sit ups and push ups and who knows what else I can do. Great.

Oh well, I guess I have to start somewhere. The camp I joined is one of the easiest they offer, and although I have no delusions about just how difficult it will be, I think I'll find I'm actually in better shape than I think. I hope so at least. I know I've lost a lot of fitness since my wedding, but I'm hoping I can bounce back. And the good news is, my sister and a friend are also doing it, so I hope we can motivate each other and all kick some ass together.

So for the next five weeks, for an hour and a half a night, four nights a week, I'll be running, jumping and getting crazy at boot camp. Wish me luck.

P.S. There is a major problem with the hot tub. We came home the day after we filled it and guess what, no water! Oopsie. Guess there's a crack somewhere. So no worrying about the swimsuit issue for now, although thanks to everyone for all of the advice. :)