Friday, January 09, 2009


Hi. I'm back from Singapore. I've been back for a while but I haven't been blogging. I know I need to get back to it though. I need to have something to keep me accountable. I just feel a little lost right now. I don't know what to think. 

Food and exercise are probably the only things that I can control in my life right now, but honestly I feel like even with those I'm hanging on by a thread. Japan was amazing, but it was really hard on me emotionally to not spend Christmas and my birthday (two days after Christmas) with my family. And then on the 28th, when our plane finally pulled up to the gate in Denver and we were home, I was so happy. So happy to see my friends and my family and my dogger. But I think the initial high has worn off and now I'm starting to worry about my future. I've always been a worrier but now it's getting really bad.

We came home to a whirlwind of activity. New Year's eve parties, belated Christmas and birthday celebrations with both my family and the boy's family, a couple of days in the mountains snowboarding with friends. We ate so much and drank so much and got so little sleep that by the end of last week, we were both pretty much running on empty. The jet lag caught up with us big time and we were cranky and just wanting to settle into a routine. That routine started on Monday with the boy going into the office and me doing... well, doing nothing. 

This is the problem. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm back on track with food and exercise. I was so excited to go to an American grocery store and get all of the food products I've been missing. But other than that, I don't know what I'm doing. I've been thinking about going back to work. I updated my resume and started looking. But as you know, this is pretty much the worst possible time to be doing that. My prospects don't look good. And I don't even know if I want to go back to my current career. I wasn't that happy with it before I got laid off last year. But I also don't want to let all my aspirations go down the toilet. I don't want to become just someone's wife. Or just someone's mom. I'm more than that. Not that being a full-time mom isn't amazing, because I know it is. Please don't think I'm insulting anyone here. I'm just scared for me. Scared that I'll forget something about myself. That I won't know who I am anymore. 

Everyone says I should get pregnant. I'm 29. Tons of my friends are getting pregnant or have just had babies. The boy and I have talked about it and made a tentative plan to start trying later this year. But I'm scared. I want to have a baby. I think. I'm not sure. I mean I do, I want kids. But I don't know. It's scary. I think I could be ready. But I don't know if I'm ever going to have that magic moment where my ovaries start thumping and I just have to have one NOW. Do people have that? 

The other problem is my arthritis. My doc wants to put me on all these drugs. I'm worried about side effects. Especially if I do decide to get pregnant. I will go off of them before I start trying but still. Long term it just scares me to be on hardcore drugs. But I'm scared if I don't take them I will do long-term damage to my joints. I'm so confused. 

And this is the big secret, the one I haven't told anyone yet, because it seems so superficial and disgusting. I really wanted to be thin before I got pregnant. I wanted some time to enjoy it. I have tried so many effing diets. I have lost and gained so much weight over the years. 2008 was the first year I can remember where I actually lost weight and didn't regain any of it over the year. I started in January at 194 lbs. On Dec. 31 I weighed in at 174.4. And as of this past Wednesday I was back down to 170.8, which is after a couple of days being back on track and losing all of the water weight and carb bloat that I probably had. This is basically the same weight I was around the time of my wedding in October of 2006, and pretty much the lowest weight of my adult life. But unlike that time around my wedding, I don't plan on gaining it all back. Well I guess I didn't plan on it then, but I did. 

It's the start of a new year and I feel confident I can lose more weight. My initial goal is 160. But I think I could hit 150. That's 20 more pounds. And I really think I can do it. I want to do it. I want to get out of this rut of losing and gaining the same 20-something pounds and staying stuck between 170 and 190. I swear to you I will shout it from the rooftops once I get into the 160's, because I haven't seen scale numbers like that since I can't even remember. 

But yeah, what happens if I get pregnant? What happens to my awesome momentum and all that? What if I gain all my weight back and then some and then I can't get it off because of the baby? 

But what if I wait too long to start trying, and then I have problems? What if I can't get pregnant and then all this waxing about my weight is fucking useless and I should have tried sooner? Am I being selfish? Yeah, I guess I am. And how can I be a good mom if I'm this fucking selfish? What kind of person am I anyway?

I feel like a self-absorbed asshole. I don't know what to think.


K said...

Oh, Jeni. I'm sending you a big hug.

I'm also 29, the age my mother was when she had me, and I have to say that this year I have spent more time thinking about babies than any other. I have good reasons for not starting right now, but when I think about it seriously... I feel pretty much the same way as you. It is not a crime not to be ready, or not to know if you are. Or not to want kids at all, come to that. And it strikes me as unfair of your friends to pressurize you. OK, yes, women do not have forever to make this decision. That doesn't mean you can't wait six months or a year at this stage.

You will never be "just" someone's wife or mother, I can tell you that. You would be the same person.

Hope you feel better soon. January is an awful month; roll on spring!

Kim said...

Hey Jeni!!!

First - I am SO SORRY about being such a bad blogger friend. :( I've missed talking to you for sure!!

Second - Since I am a mom, I'm going to offer you some advice. And this is meant with all of the love in the world. Do not have a baby because other people tell you that you should. 29 is not old. Heck, I wasn't even married at 29!! :) Children are a blessing, there is NO DOUBT about that, but they change everything FOREVER. There is no way to prepare yourself for being a mom. And even though I knew it was something I always wanted for myself, there was no way to know how hard it would be until you are there. And it's a good hard, like the peace corps or something :), and so worth it, but it is not something to jump into until you are sure in your heart that you are ready. (and yes I realize that tons and tons of people enter into parenthood earlier than they had "planned", and do just wonderfully at it, my point is that if you are making the conscious decision to get pregnant, I think you need to do it because you are SURE that is what YOU want for YOU. Not because of your age, or because you have been married x number of years.)

Also, I was heavier than I should have been when I got pregnant with my first child. If you think it is hard now to find time and energy to lose weight, it just (well for me) gets harder after having children. Because like I said - you are living for them then, and taking care of yourself seems to be the easiest thing to let slide.

I hope this isn't coming across as offensive, because that is the LAST thing that I want. I just can understand SO well where you are right now. You are not a self absorbed asshole. :) You are spot on for thinking about these things.

I'm anxious to catch back up with you and all that is going on. I know that you can get the last of this weight off. We'll do it together!!!!! :)