Food and exercise are probably the only things that I can control in my life right now, but honestly I feel like even with those I'm hanging on by a thread. Japan was amazing, but it was really hard on me emotionally to not spend Christmas and my birthday (two days after Christmas) with my family. And then on the 28th, when our plane finally pulled up to the gate in Denver and we were home, I was so happy. So happy to see my friends and my family and my dogger. But I think the initial high has worn off and now I'm starting to worry about my future. I've always been a worrier but now it's getting really bad.
We came home to a whirlwind of activity. New Year's eve parties, belated Christmas and birthday celebrations with both my family and the boy's family, a couple of days in the mountains snowboarding with friends. We ate so much and drank so much and got so little sleep that by the end of last week, we were both pretty much running on empty. The jet lag caught up with us big time and we were cranky and just wanting to settle into a routine. That routine started on Monday with the boy going into the office and me doing... well, doing nothing.
This is the problem. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm back on track with food and exercise. I was so excited to go to an American grocery store and get all of the food products I've been missing. But other than that, I don't know what I'm doing. I've been thinking about going back to work. I updated my resume and started looking. But as you know, this is pretty much the worst possible time to be doing that. My prospects don't look good. And I don't even know if I want to go back to my current career. I wasn't that happy with it before I got laid off last year. But I also don't want to let all my aspirations go down the toilet. I don't want to become just someone's wife. Or just someone's mom. I'm more than that. Not that being a full-time mom isn't amazing, because I know it is. Please don't think I'm insulting anyone here. I'm just scared for me. Scared that I'll forget something about myself. That I won't know who I am anymore.
Everyone says I should get pregnant. I'm 29. Tons of my friends are getting pregnant or have just had babies. The boy and I have talked about it and made a tentative plan to start trying later this year. But I'm scared. I want to have a baby. I think. I'm not sure. I mean I do, I want kids. But I don't know. It's scary. I think I could be ready. But I don't know if I'm ever going to have that magic moment where my ovaries start thumping and I just have to have one NOW. Do people have that?
The other problem is my arthritis. My doc wants to put me on all these drugs. I'm worried about side effects. Especially if I do decide to get pregnant. I will go off of them before I start trying but still. Long term it just scares me to be on hardcore drugs. But I'm scared if I don't take them I will do long-term damage to my joints. I'm so confused.
And this is the big secret, the one I haven't told anyone yet, because it seems so superficial and disgusting. I really wanted to be thin before I got pregnant. I wanted some time to enjoy it. I have tried so many effing diets. I have lost and gained so much weight over the years. 2008 was the first year I can remember where I actually lost weight and didn't regain any of it over the year. I started in January at 194 lbs. On Dec. 31 I weighed in at 174.4. And as of this past Wednesday I was back down to 170.8, which is after a couple of days being back on track and losing all of the water weight and carb bloat that I probably had. This is basically the same weight I was around the time of my wedding in October of 2006, and pretty much the lowest weight of my adult life. But unlike that time around my wedding, I don't plan on gaining it all back. Well I guess I didn't plan on it then, but I did.
It's the start of a new year and I feel confident I can lose more weight. My initial goal is 160. But I think I could hit 150. That's 20 more pounds. And I really think I can do it. I want to do it. I want to get out of this rut of losing and gaining the same 20-something pounds and staying stuck between 170 and 190. I swear to you I will shout it from the rooftops once I get into the 160's, because I haven't seen scale numbers like that since I can't even remember.
But yeah, what happens if I get pregnant? What happens to my awesome momentum and all that? What if I gain all my weight back and then some and then I can't get it off because of the baby?
But what if I wait too long to start trying, and then I have problems? What if I can't get pregnant and then all this waxing about my weight is fucking useless and I should have tried sooner? Am I being selfish? Yeah, I guess I am. And how can I be a good mom if I'm this fucking selfish? What kind of person am I anyway?
I feel like a self-absorbed asshole. I don't know what to think.