Day 1 and 2. Hanging In

I had a good day yesterday. I mean, I finally felt like I was in control of my impulses and I was able to make good choices. And I was rewarded with a three pound loss this morning, which I know of course is all the water weight and bloat I was experiencing. I ate vegetables. I ate lean protein and healthy fats. I went to kickboxing and I drank tea after dinner instead of eating ice cream. 

And today, even though it's my sister's birthday and I ate out for lunch and will eat out again for dinner, I'm still in control. I had a salad at lunch and skipped the chips. I have a plan for dinner even though we're eating Italian, which I know will be difficult for me. I do love the pasta. But I know that's not what I need right now. We're eating at a "family-style" place, meaning HUGE HUGE portions of food and we all have to figure out something to agree on, but I'm just going to make sure I fill up on as much salad as I can, and then watch my portion of anything else we choose. I will be mindful of my fullness level and I'll stop when I'm full, not when I'm stuffed. 

I think these early days are both so easy and so hard. On the one hand I feel great because I've recommitted to getting some weight off. I have goals in mind and I know what I need to do to achieve them. But the sugar cravings are there. My stomach is clearly stretched out because I'm hungry, neigh starving, even though I know I'm eating plenty. I have to constantly remind myself not to open up the pantry and grab some chips or some crackers or what have you. 

So yeah, I'm doing well right now, but I know the road is going to be hard. My first big test will be this weekend. On Saturday I'm hosting my sister's engagement party, and there will be lots of stress, but lots of merriment and lots of friends eating and drinking copious amounts. So there's that. And that will be hard. BUT I'm just going to do the best I can and try to think about WHY I'm making the choices I'm making and know that in the end, although sometimes it sucks to eat broccoli and drink water instead of wine, this is worth it for me right now. 

In other news, I also found a yoga studio in my neighborhood and called them this morning about classes. I was doing yoga quite a bit in Singapore and haven't done it at all since I've been back, and I'm really missing it. My hips are bothering me, probably from all the kickboxing I've been doing, and I know getting back into yoga will help that. I was also listening to Jillian Michael's radio show the other day and she was talking about the benefits of investing in massage, and I decided I'm going to take that to heart and schedule an appointment. Yes it's expensive and it feels like an indulgence with the crappy economy, but it's an investment in my health and I think I deserve it. 

I guess that's it for today. Gotta go get ready for dinner. Thanks for listening to my whining all the time. :) 

Progress

Okay I have been on the phone. Calling and making appointments and figuring this out. I now have appointments with two different advisors in the state of Colorado regarding their Dietetics program. As far as I can tell, this is serious stuff. I mean this isn't just take one class and then all of the sudden you're a dietician. No, there is lots of chemistry and biology and stuff that this English major never even considered taking. And it could take years. Years where I'm not making any money, in fact where I'm paying to be in school AGAIN. But you know what? I'm excited!

Even if I don't end up pursuing a degree in Dietetics, I feel good about taking the time to look into these programs and schedule these meetings and learn more about it. And yes, part of me is nervous about going into these meetings and having advisors wonder why an overweight girl wants to be come a Dietician, but you know what, I'm not gonna let that bother me. I'm just not. I'm interested in this, and yes my body isn't perfect and I still have work to do, but I'm done letting my body hold me back. 

I was excited to learn today that even if I don't decide to pursue this degree, I might be able to take an intro to nutrition class this summer, which could be really cool and fun. Or maybe totally boring? Who knows. But at least it's a possibility. 

And since I've spent the entire afternoon on my computer and on the phone, I haven't gotten anything else accomplished today. I guess that's okay too since I'm thinking about my FUTURE and my CAREER and all that crap. Yay. 

My mom is coming over in about an hour to help me address invites for my sister's engagement party, then we're going over to the location to decide on the food we'll be serving. I guess that means lots of little bites and nibbles of this and that for dinner, but hopefully I can refrain from overdoing it. I know there will be hummus involved, and I love hummus, so hopefully its all good. On that note, I'm off to pick up the house so my mom doesn't yell at me about how dirty it is (don't ya love being scared of what your mom thinks even at the ripe old age of 29?). Hope everyone is having a great day. 

Catch Up

Hi. I'm still sucking at blogging. I also had a very personal moment and realized there are some people out there, in real life people, reading this, and I'm not sure if I like that. I know I am out there in this public forum doing this on the giant big Internet, but I don't know, it still feels anonymous. And mostly I like that. I went private for a minute, but I'm back now. We'll see how long it lasts. 

Anyway, things are okay. I haven't found a job. I haven't even gotten any call backs, which is insane to me. I don't know if I am just over-confident or what, but I feel like anybody who sees my resume should immediately want to call me. I mean I'm a bad-ass right? Yet, it's crickets. There could be a lot of reasons for this, of course the shitty economy being one, and the fact that I have this giant blank spot on my resume from living in Singapore, but I still feel like I should be getting calls. I need something to help me feel successful, and I feel like my career has always been one of those things. And I don't have that right now. 

It's okay though, I still sort of like being on my own every day and just being able to hit the gym whenever I want. Yesterday, even though it was snowing and single digit temps, I ventured out and hit the treadmill for an amazing workout. Ever since we got back from Singapore, I've had some trouble running because my body is taking FOREVER to adjust to being back at altitude. I've never had this problem before because I've lived here most of my life, so it has been a drag. But yesterday, I felt great. I hopped on the treadmill, started running, and didn't stop for 40 minutes. And I ran the whole time! No walk breaks. It felt amazing. My lungs felt great. My legs felt great. I spent the last 20 walking at an incline, and when I was finished I was so pumped. Runner's high is real. 

My main problem right now is social interaction and the fact that a lot of my social life revolves around drinking. There are so many people I still have to catch up with now that I'm back, and inevitably that involves happy hour or wine and cheese or something like that. It's not binging, but alcohol calories add up fast and they lead to me not reaching my goals. This is a constant struggle and I don't think I've figured out how to handle it yet. Just this week, I've got happy hours today (Tuesday), Wednesday, and Friday. Tonight I'm just going to get an Iced Tea and take the ribbing I'm sure to get. I'm thinking about ducking out of tomorrow's thing. But canceling social plans and hibernating, while it sounds nice, isn't always going to be an option. I have to figure this out somehow. 

On that note, I am going to head out to walk the dog and then go lift some weights. There are so many things I want to talk about, including Biggest Loser, DietTribe, life at the gym, my family's weight loss efforts, and jeans shopping, but it seems like every time I come here all I'm doing is playing catch up. Hopefully this will serve as a reminder for next time.

Confusion

Hi. I'm back from Singapore. I've been back for a while but I haven't been blogging. I know I need to get back to it though. I need to have something to keep me accountable. I just feel a little lost right now. I don't know what to think. 

Food and exercise are probably the only things that I can control in my life right now, but honestly I feel like even with those I'm hanging on by a thread. Japan was amazing, but it was really hard on me emotionally to not spend Christmas and my birthday (two days after Christmas) with my family. And then on the 28th, when our plane finally pulled up to the gate in Denver and we were home, I was so happy. So happy to see my friends and my family and my dogger. But I think the initial high has worn off and now I'm starting to worry about my future. I've always been a worrier but now it's getting really bad.

We came home to a whirlwind of activity. New Year's eve parties, belated Christmas and birthday celebrations with both my family and the boy's family, a couple of days in the mountains snowboarding with friends. We ate so much and drank so much and got so little sleep that by the end of last week, we were both pretty much running on empty. The jet lag caught up with us big time and we were cranky and just wanting to settle into a routine. That routine started on Monday with the boy going into the office and me doing... well, doing nothing. 

This is the problem. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm back on track with food and exercise. I was so excited to go to an American grocery store and get all of the food products I've been missing. But other than that, I don't know what I'm doing. I've been thinking about going back to work. I updated my resume and started looking. But as you know, this is pretty much the worst possible time to be doing that. My prospects don't look good. And I don't even know if I want to go back to my current career. I wasn't that happy with it before I got laid off last year. But I also don't want to let all my aspirations go down the toilet. I don't want to become just someone's wife. Or just someone's mom. I'm more than that. Not that being a full-time mom isn't amazing, because I know it is. Please don't think I'm insulting anyone here. I'm just scared for me. Scared that I'll forget something about myself. That I won't know who I am anymore. 

Everyone says I should get pregnant. I'm 29. Tons of my friends are getting pregnant or have just had babies. The boy and I have talked about it and made a tentative plan to start trying later this year. But I'm scared. I want to have a baby. I think. I'm not sure. I mean I do, I want kids. But I don't know. It's scary. I think I could be ready. But I don't know if I'm ever going to have that magic moment where my ovaries start thumping and I just have to have one NOW. Do people have that? 

The other problem is my arthritis. My doc wants to put me on all these drugs. I'm worried about side effects. Especially if I do decide to get pregnant. I will go off of them before I start trying but still. Long term it just scares me to be on hardcore drugs. But I'm scared if I don't take them I will do long-term damage to my joints. I'm so confused. 

And this is the big secret, the one I haven't told anyone yet, because it seems so superficial and disgusting. I really wanted to be thin before I got pregnant. I wanted some time to enjoy it. I have tried so many effing diets. I have lost and gained so much weight over the years. 2008 was the first year I can remember where I actually lost weight and didn't regain any of it over the year. I started in January at 194 lbs. On Dec. 31 I weighed in at 174.4. And as of this past Wednesday I was back down to 170.8, which is after a couple of days being back on track and losing all of the water weight and carb bloat that I probably had. This is basically the same weight I was around the time of my wedding in October of 2006, and pretty much the lowest weight of my adult life. But unlike that time around my wedding, I don't plan on gaining it all back. Well I guess I didn't plan on it then, but I did. 

It's the start of a new year and I feel confident I can lose more weight. My initial goal is 160. But I think I could hit 150. That's 20 more pounds. And I really think I can do it. I want to do it. I want to get out of this rut of losing and gaining the same 20-something pounds and staying stuck between 170 and 190. I swear to you I will shout it from the rooftops once I get into the 160's, because I haven't seen scale numbers like that since I can't even remember. 

But yeah, what happens if I get pregnant? What happens to my awesome momentum and all that? What if I gain all my weight back and then some and then I can't get it off because of the baby? 

But what if I wait too long to start trying, and then I have problems? What if I can't get pregnant and then all this waxing about my weight is fucking useless and I should have tried sooner? Am I being selfish? Yeah, I guess I am. And how can I be a good mom if I'm this fucking selfish? What kind of person am I anyway?

I feel like a self-absorbed asshole. I don't know what to think.

Turkey Day Freakout

Okay dudes. I'm getting the sense that people in the U.S. are starting to freak out about Thanksgiving. And honestly, that is one stress I'm kind of glad I don't have right now. Every year I look forward to the holidays with a mixture of anticipation and dread, but I just don't seem to have that this year. 

I am sad I'm missing out on a traditional Thanksgiving in the U.S. I'm sad I don't get to spend time with my grandparents, who I know don't have tons of holidays left. I'm sad I won't get to roll my eyes in secret at my crazy aunt. I'm sad I won't get to eat my grandma's homemade rolls. I'm sad I won't get to hear the inappropriate comments that some older relatives are bound to make. I'm sad I won't get to get crazy playing board games and drinking too much wine. 

So yeah, I'm definitely bummed that I'm missing out on all the good family time, and I'm sure it'll be even worse when Christmas rolls around. But I'm focusing on the positive things about being overseas this year, and one of the positive things is definitely a lack of stress and specifically a lack of stress about food. 

The holidays are usually just a minefield for me. Every year, Every. Single. Year. I gain weight. I come up with strategies on what to do when faced with hard decisions or food pushers or this and that but it never fails. I gain weight.

This year though, I'm not even worried about it. I just don't have those pressures. I don't have an office filled with holiday goodies. I don't have parties and leftovers and family members that lead me to binge drink. I don't have those routines, those rituals that I have gone through every year that have led me to gain. They just aren't there. 

Instead, I have different things. Different rituals to take part in. People in Singapore will barely notice it's Thanksgiving tomorrow, but the boy and I will go out to dinner and give thanks together. It won't be anything crazy though. It'll just be another nice dinner and I'll make a good choice because that's where my head is right now. 

And then on Saturday afternoon, we've been invited to an American expat's house for a makeshift Thanksgiving celebration, but I'm not really worried about that either. I'm bringing a big salad and I'm sure I'll eat some turkey, but I'm going to keep it under control. I'm going to remember all of those little tips and tricks I go armed with every year and I'm actually going to use some of them this time. This year, Thanksgiving will not kick my ass. I will kick it's ass! 

By the way, I weighed in today and I maintained. I'm pretty bummed about it because I feel like I've been on such a roll this week. I worked out six days and I ate great except for a little splurge on Saturday night, but it wasn't out of control. Last week was a big loss of 3.2 lbs, so maybe my body just wasn't ready to let go of any more weight this week. It sucks, but all I can do is keep trying. Meh.