Part of it is my current job situation. I had an interview, two interviews and then they took me out to lunch and schmoozed me and and showed me the office and I was so, so excited because I thought finally, finally! I'm going to get a job and go back to work. I thought I had it in the bag.It wasn't my dream job, but it was a good job and I was happy that my career wasn't going down the shitter anymore and I was going to make some money and feel like a contributing member of our household and it was going to be good. I would wear pants again on a regular basis. Not just workout clothes, which I practically live in now.
Then the recruiter called and left me a message on my voicemail telling me they had offered it to another candidate. What?!? Why take me out to lunch? Why the schmoozing? What did I do wrong? I am not going to lie, I cried. A lot. I just didn't get it. I was rejected. I hate being rejected. I finally talked to my would-be boss and he told me they were worried I was a little overqualified, that I might be bored, etc. and although he gave valid reasons, it still really hurts. I don't like being told no. I am not good at processing no. I automatically go to the "I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough" place and that is not a good place for me to be.
I cried and ate a lot of frozen yogurt and then I went to Texas to see my dad/stepmom/stepsisters and I ate so much food when I was there. As is typical, I totally reverted back to my childhood behavior and comforted myself with lots and lots of food. Good Mexican food. I'll bet I ate 1,000 calories worth of tortilla chips alone one day. I did go on a run while I was down there, which was the talk of the family. Everyone was so amazed by one little run. And both of my grandfathers made semi-inappropriate comments on how I'd lost weight (they hadn't seen me since I'd been back from Singapore). Still, I came home from Texas and I had gained about 6 lbs. Most of that was water weight blah blah and I took most of it right back off, but I'm still up a bit and I can see myself on that brink. I don't think I'm ready to just maintain for a few months. Maybe that's what I'll end up doing, but I think I still need to try.
Now that I'm back in Denver, I'm still pissed off about the job situation and I feel like I'm back at square one. My husband has really encouraged me to think about what I want to do with myself, and I keep coming back to my interest in diet/fitness. Maybe I should pursue a career in this after all? But what kind of career? I don't think fitness trainer. As much as I love the gym, it's just not for me. I'm not mentally or physically ready to pursue that and I think it's possible I have too many issues with my body for me to ever be ready for that. So what else is there?
Well... I started thinking about it and I thought maybe I could become a registered dietician? It's not easy to do, it takes a lot of schooling and a degree and then passing another test and that all takes time and money. But I'm still young enough, and even though I have a career and two degrees already, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere at the moment so maybe I do have the time do pursue something else, something I'm actually already pretty passionate about?
There are two Universities in the Denver area that offer R.D. programs, so I sent them both emails about my credentials and about whether or not they have openings, and I actually heard back from one and may be meeting with the director of the University of Northern Colorado's program this week! This is all very early days, so I'm not getting too excited about anything yet, but at least I can pick her brain about what the market is like for dieticians right now and find out whether or not this might be something I'd actually want to do.
There are so many things to consider. I'd have to commute to Greeley for this program, which is NOT close (1 hour 10 minutes away) but maybe I could cluster my classes in such a way that I'd only have to do it a couple of times a week? I'd also have to take a LOT of science classes, which might be hard for this former English major, but you know, I think I'm pretty smart and I can handle it. I'd also have to find the money, and resign myself to not having a job for at least two years, if not more, and that is kind of a scary thing. And what if I never get to my goal weight and then I'm this overweight dietician? Isn't that kind of hypocritical? AND we've been thinking about the pregnancy thing, and what if being in school and having a baby is too much for me? And what if I go back to school, and I decide to do this, and then I'm not happy with this either? What if I'm never happy? I don't know.
I do know it's something I'm at least interested in exploring, and even if that's all it ever is, at least I'll have looked into it and I'll know that I'm not letting life just pass me by, I'm actively thinking about what I want to do and who I want to be. I'm still trying to think about other jobs/things I could do in this field, because clearly it's a hobby of mine, and I haven't come up with much. All I know is each as each new week comes and goes, I get more and more upset about my situation, my lack of a job, a direction, a purpose, and I think something has to change.