Only Happy Songs

Okay miraculously, I lost .4 lbs this week. I am not happy with that because I am not going to work my butt off 75% of the time just to let it all go to hell 25% of the time and end up with what amounts to maintaining. It is just a waste of freaking time.

Clearly I have some issues to deal with. I am happy, you know? I'm happy, I have a good life. I love my husband, I love my dog. I love my house and my family and my neighborhood. I know that I'm lacking a sense of purpose in my life right now and that is causing me some stress, especially because I'm not sure how or where to find that purpose. I keep thinking I want a job, but the idea of going back to work full time in my field stresses me out. Not that there is anything available at the moment anyway. Then I think I'll go back to school. I'm taking a class right now that I'm really enjoying. But looking at the requirements for admittance and the idea of spending all that money on a phd stresses me out too. Because what if I still can't find my purpose, even after all of that. Part of me just thinks I need to hold out a little longer because something will eventually just HAPPEN, but part of me thinks I need to make things happen. I don't know.  On that part I am just confused.

I just tend to get really introspective, and I think that just increases when the boy is out of town because I spend a lot of time by myself. I think about who I am and what I want and what I would have thought of who I am today when I was 15. But you know, I was kind of an idiot when I was 15 in a lot of ways, so maybe it's okay if I'm not exactly the person I thought I was going to be.

It's just that I have the same struggles, the same struggles about myself, my weight, my purpose in life, what I want to do, who I want to be. It's as if I've gotten nowhere and here it is, I've doubled my life span, yet inside I'm still this angry teenager kicking and screaming and wondering why I am who I am. Why wasn't I born a skinny supermodel? Why don't I have a genius grant? I'm just an ordinary American girl struggling with the same shit as a ton of other people, putting myself in boxes and giving myself labels that I don't really want, and I definitely don't need.

I know my self-worth does not exist entirely in how much I weigh. Nor does it lie in my job description. It's who I am and the choices I make each day, and I am a good person. I care about other people, and I want the world to be a better place. I am sick of putting this crap on myself every day and I'm done listening to sad songs on my iPod. Only happy songs today. Only happy songs.

Dreary

Monday monday. It is dreary and COLD here. Summer is officially over. Or that's what everyone keeps saying. I just got home from taking the dog on a walk and my fingers are so cold I can hardly type. This weekend was not a success at all. I am not going to lie. As I wrote on Friday, I had a shitty night on Thursday. I was determined to get back on the wagon after that, but it just did not happen.

On Friday I guess food wasn't so bad - I had a relatively healthy sushi dinner. But oh the booze. There were three girls at dinner. We split a bottle of wine between the three of us. Fine. Then we went back to E.'s house and proceeded to drink two more bottles of wine. That's one bottle per person. Oops. I'm not sure I did indeed drink an entire bottle, but still. It was enough where I certainly couldn't drive my car. Which means I missed kickboxing on Saturday morning because we had to go get it. And it was pretty much downhill from there.

We went to brunch. We had pizza for dinner. I'm not even going to go into the details. Last night I may have had ice cream for dinner. Wow. It was ugly.

The boy left to go out of town yesterday and I am bummed that he is gone. It just feels lonely around here. Not to mention the cold dreary weather makes me want to eat mac and cheese or some other equally bad for you comfort food. I guess I'm still in my cranky pants mood. I blame it on my period. I'm also having another "I hate the world" joblessness cycle. I haven't even had an interview in weeks. I know it's to the point where I know I should just go get a job in retail or something but I just don't want to. Sometimes it feels like the walls are just closing in on me.

I'm trying to do things to combat these feelings. I've got my other new blog. I'm taking a class. I'm reading. I'm venting here, even though I'm sure this is not the kind of thing you're looking for if you came here for a weight loss blog. It's all whine whine whine.

It's just an ongoing process. Today I am picking myself up off of the floor and I'm dealing. I'm going to make turkey chili for dinner because it's a nice comfort food but it's healthy, and I can eat the leftovers all week. I'm going to give myself permission to watch a movie this afternoon, and watch lots of new TV tonight. I will get to the gym this afternoon. I may not see a loss this week, but that will be okay. There is always next week.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Oh man. Again with the lack of posting. Sorry. I guess it just is what it is right now. Things are okay - kind of crazy because we are leaving for our trip to Ireland bright and early tomorrow morning and for some reason I just can't shake this feeling of exhaustion that is settling over me. It's been here for a week. I keep trying to chalk it up to PMS, but it just won't go away. And the thought of waking up at 4 in the morning tomorrow sort of makes me want to cry, but I know it's for a good cause. Because we are going on vacation!

I think I really need this trip. I just need to get out of my house, away from my routine and my computer and my lack of a job. I have another prospect that looks interesting and of course they want me to come in next week and I can't because I'll be out of town, and we haven't been able to schedule anything yet and I've been worrying about getting it taken care of before we leave. I swear I will find anything to worry about. It is ridiculous. All of this anxiety and for what? A job I MIGHT get an interview for? I need to chill.

Food/working out is okay. I gained again this week, just .4, and I'm PMSing as I mentioned before, so basically I'm just maintaining right now. Which is what I've been doing for the past six months. I'm planning on letting a loose a little during our trip, although I must say I'm a little worried that I'm going to have to mainline fish and chips and I don't know what else, because from what I can tell Ireland is not exactly veggie-friendly. We'll see though. Maybe that's just a misconception.

That's about it for now, I'm hoping to recommit to this and hopefully be in a better mood when we're back from our trip. Take care and have a great week everyone.

Career Outlook?

Eh. I just feel eh. Can't really think of any other way to describe it. So much crap has been going on in my life, and sadly none of it is really that positive. I keep thinking I should be footloose and fancy free or carefree or some other crap, but if I honestly examine my feelings most of the time, I'm pissed off, sad, angry or just plain annoyed. I'm still sort of feeling that apathy I was talking about in my last post I guess. 

Part of it is my current job situation. I had an interview, two interviews and then they took me out to lunch and schmoozed me and and showed me the office and I was so, so excited because I thought finally, finally! I'm going to get a job and go back to work. I thought I had it in the bag.It wasn't my dream job, but it was a good job and I was happy that my career wasn't going down the shitter anymore and I was going to make some money and feel like a contributing member of our household and it was going to be good. I would wear pants again on a regular basis. Not just workout clothes, which I practically live in now. 

Then the recruiter called and left me a message on my voicemail telling me they had offered it to another candidate. What?!? Why take me out to lunch? Why the schmoozing? What did I do wrong? I am not going to lie, I cried. A lot. I just didn't get it. I was rejected. I hate being rejected. I finally talked to my would-be boss and he told me they were worried I was a little overqualified, that I might be bored, etc. and although he gave valid reasons, it still really hurts. I don't like being told no. I am not good at processing no. I automatically go to the "I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough" place and that is not a good place for me to be. 

I cried and ate a lot of frozen yogurt and then I went to Texas to see my dad/stepmom/stepsisters and I ate so much food when I was there. As is typical, I totally reverted back to my childhood behavior and comforted myself with lots and lots of food. Good Mexican food. I'll bet I ate 1,000 calories worth of tortilla chips alone one day. I did go on a run while I was down there, which was the talk of the family. Everyone was so amazed by one little run. And both of my grandfathers made semi-inappropriate comments on how I'd lost weight (they hadn't seen me since I'd been back from Singapore). Still, I came home from Texas and I had gained about 6 lbs. Most of that was water weight blah blah and I took most of it right back off, but I'm still up a bit and I can see myself on that brink. I don't think I'm ready to just maintain for a few months. Maybe that's what I'll end up doing, but I think I still need to try. 

Now that I'm back in Denver, I'm still pissed off about the job situation and I feel like I'm back at square one. My husband has really encouraged me to think about what I want to do with myself, and I keep coming back to my interest in diet/fitness. Maybe I should pursue a career in this after all? But what kind of career? I don't think fitness trainer. As much as I love the gym, it's just not for me. I'm not mentally or physically ready to pursue that and I think it's possible I have too many issues with my body for me to ever be ready for that. So what else is there?

Well... I started thinking about it and I thought maybe I could become a registered dietician? It's not easy to do, it takes a lot of schooling and a degree and then passing another test and that all takes time and money. But I'm still young enough, and even though I have a career and two degrees already, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere at the moment so maybe I do have the time do pursue something else, something I'm actually already pretty passionate about? 

There are two Universities in the Denver area that offer R.D. programs, so I sent them both emails about my credentials and about whether or not they have openings, and I actually heard back from one and may be meeting with the director of the University of Northern Colorado's program this week! This is all very early days, so I'm not getting too excited about anything yet, but at least I can pick her brain about what the market is like for dieticians right now and find out whether or not this might be something I'd actually want to do. 

There are so many things to consider. I'd have to commute to Greeley for this program, which is NOT close (1 hour 10 minutes away) but maybe I could cluster my classes in such a way that I'd only have to do it a couple of times a week? I'd also have to take a LOT of science classes, which might be hard for this former English major, but you know, I think I'm pretty smart and I can handle it. I'd also have to find the money, and resign myself to not having a job for at least two years, if not more, and that is kind of a scary thing. And what if I never get to my goal weight and then I'm this overweight dietician? Isn't that kind of hypocritical? AND we've been thinking about the pregnancy thing, and what if being in school and having a baby is too much for me? And what if I go back to school, and I decide to do this, and then I'm not happy with this either? What if I'm never happy? I don't know.

I do know it's something I'm at least interested in exploring, and even if that's all it ever is, at least I'll have looked into it and I'll know that I'm not letting life just pass me by, I'm actively thinking about what I want to do and who I want to be. I'm still trying to think about other jobs/things I could do in this field, because clearly it's a hobby of mine, and I haven't come up with much. All I know is each as each new week comes and goes, I get more and more upset about my situation, my lack of a job, a direction, a purpose, and I think something has to change. 

Apathy

Well I guess I'm not THAT ready to get back on track. I think I'm stuck in this up down cycle because I'm at a place where I'm sort of happy with my weight. I don't know if happy is the right word. But I'm content. I'm in an OKAY place I mean. I don't know how to say it right because I'm not content, I still have more weight to lose and I want to lose it, but I think I'm in this middle place where I'm not feeling SO bad about things. 

I'm not depressed every single day. I'm healthy, for the most part. I wear a size 14, sometimes a 12, which means I can shop at regular stores, for the most part. I can keep up at the gym, for the most part. Here in the U.S., even though I live in the fittest state in the nation, I can usually walk into a restaurant or a shop and know that I'm not the biggest person in the room. (This was so not the case in Singapore). And I have some level of body confidence. Sure I'm not prancing around in a bikini yet, not that I'd ever prance, but you know, I'm not there yet. I'm still pinching at my arms when I'm in a tank top. 

For some reason though, I'm at a place where I WANT to care, but when it comes down to it, when it comes down to making the right choices and not drinking that beer or eating those nachos, I just don't. I just don't care. 

So now what? Maybe I'll care more once the sun starts shining and wearing a swimsuit becomes an actual possibility. Maybe I'll care when I go to buy those designer jeans and I have to go to the men's section because the women's are all too small. Maybe I'll care after I have lunch with my friend who just had twins and already has her razor sharp hip bones jutting over the top of her jeans. 

I don't know. I know I still have some weight to lose so that I can be fit and healthy and be in the best possible shape for my body. But I also know that some of those pounds are purely vanity pounds. Ten pounds, those are maybe health pounds. Twenty pounds, those are probably vanity pounds. 

When I look back, I've basically been maintaining my weight since we returned from Asia. I've been bouncing up and down here and there, but for the most part it's been 3-4 months of pure maintenance. Which is good, it leads me to believe I can maintain. But that sad part is, I've really just been maintaining under the guise of "trying" to lose. And I know I'm not being honest unless I admit that I haven't really been trying at all. 

It is a fact that I still have some weight to lose. How much is debatable. But how do I get to that place where I care again? I don't want it to have to come to one of those moments where I break a chair in an Italian restaurant in front of my entire extended family (yes, I've done that and no, I don't think I'll ever recover). I want it to matter because it should matter and wearing a 14 is great because it's not a 20 anymore, but it's not good enough. Problem is, right now it sort of is. 

I don't know what to do. Maybe the answer is to focus on trying to maintain and not actually losing for a few months? And then maybe by June or July I'll be ready to try again? Or should I just shut the eff up and do it and lose this weight for good and quit worrying about it? (Like it's so easy ha ha). Or should I just get over the vanity pounds? I don't know. I'm so apathetic it's becoming pathetic. Is that possible? Blah blah blah I'm probably going to be talking about this forever. Ugh.