Okay it is time to admit it, I am struggling. I do not want to come back here in two months, after the holidays are over, and have gained weight. Back on August 25th I "re-dedicated" myself to losing weight, specifically 17 lbs in the 17 weeks before my trip to Mexico, and it's time to take a hard look at what I've been doing since then. That day I weighed in at 176.6. Today I weighed 172.1. That means I've lost 4.5 lbs since I wrote that post 11 weeks ago. And I don't really even know how realistic that loss is because I tend to fluctuate so much based on how much salt/booze I eat and how big my meals are. So realistically, most of that weight is just water weight anyway.

I guess I'm just frustrated with myself because I was feeling great, on track and kicking ass, and over the past couple of weeks I have really let that slide and have not been focusing on my goals. And then last night, I came across Lucas' post about how difficult it can be to push through when you feel and look great (and by the way you look great if you're reading this lady!). Reading that post was sort of like a catalyst for me. As I read through the comments, I thought, this is me! This is the issue I am constantly struggling with.

I am a healthy, fit girl. I work out 4-5 times a week. I eat healthy foods. I feel good. BUT, on the other hand, I'm still overweight. I definitely have extra fat on my body, and it needs to go. And yes I'm fit, but I am by no means where I want to be. I can't run as fast or jump as high as I want to. And I'm pretty sure if Jillian saw me waffling like this, she'd tell me to get over  myself and tackle the issue at hand.

I guess what I'm saying is that although I want to be comfortable in my own skin, I don't want to get TOO comfortable. Because too comfortable leads to lax behavior, like pizza every Sunday night and beers during the Bronco game and then suddenly it will be Thanksgiving and Christmas and I'll have eaten everything in site and gained 15 lbs. I know my body and I know that is a very real possibility, and I will not let that happen this year.

Instead I, once again, am setting out my intentions here. I'm going to do the very best I can not to let the holidays overwhelm me. I'm going to limit my vino consumption, because that is constantly getting me in trouble. I'm going to get in those workouts 5 times a week and I am going to focus on training to get better for snowboarding season, which is rapidly approaching. I'm going to remove the excess sugar I've been consuming. I'm going to count my calories, and I'm going to stick to my limits. I'm not going to ruin five days of healthy behavior with two days of excess. NOT GONNA DO IT.

On that note, I am heading to the gym. Time to stop talking about it and actually do it. :)

Dreary

Monday monday. It is dreary and COLD here. Summer is officially over. Or that's what everyone keeps saying. I just got home from taking the dog on a walk and my fingers are so cold I can hardly type. This weekend was not a success at all. I am not going to lie. As I wrote on Friday, I had a shitty night on Thursday. I was determined to get back on the wagon after that, but it just did not happen.

On Friday I guess food wasn't so bad - I had a relatively healthy sushi dinner. But oh the booze. There were three girls at dinner. We split a bottle of wine between the three of us. Fine. Then we went back to E.'s house and proceeded to drink two more bottles of wine. That's one bottle per person. Oops. I'm not sure I did indeed drink an entire bottle, but still. It was enough where I certainly couldn't drive my car. Which means I missed kickboxing on Saturday morning because we had to go get it. And it was pretty much downhill from there.

We went to brunch. We had pizza for dinner. I'm not even going to go into the details. Last night I may have had ice cream for dinner. Wow. It was ugly.

The boy left to go out of town yesterday and I am bummed that he is gone. It just feels lonely around here. Not to mention the cold dreary weather makes me want to eat mac and cheese or some other equally bad for you comfort food. I guess I'm still in my cranky pants mood. I blame it on my period. I'm also having another "I hate the world" joblessness cycle. I haven't even had an interview in weeks. I know it's to the point where I know I should just go get a job in retail or something but I just don't want to. Sometimes it feels like the walls are just closing in on me.

I'm trying to do things to combat these feelings. I've got my other new blog. I'm taking a class. I'm reading. I'm venting here, even though I'm sure this is not the kind of thing you're looking for if you came here for a weight loss blog. It's all whine whine whine.

It's just an ongoing process. Today I am picking myself up off of the floor and I'm dealing. I'm going to make turkey chili for dinner because it's a nice comfort food but it's healthy, and I can eat the leftovers all week. I'm going to give myself permission to watch a movie this afternoon, and watch lots of new TV tonight. I will get to the gym this afternoon. I may not see a loss this week, but that will be okay. There is always next week.

Little Miss Cranky Pants

Should be happier that it's Friday but I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Or rather "got up" because I barely slept at all last night. I've been having trouble sleeping for quite some time, and I KNOW the things that cause it and yet I continue to do them anyway. When I don't sleep I miss my workout (this morning) and I just want to eat all day and I'm cranky. I'm also pissed at myself because if we're using the wagon metaphor, I got ran over last night.

I should have known this was going to happen. I was having major PMS issues yesterday, just feeling emotional and tired and pissed off about my job situation and life in general. So of course when my sister wanted to go to happy hour, I said yes. Where I promptly drank three margaritas and ate my body weight in tortilla chips. Have some salt much? And sugar? No wonder I couldn't sleep last night. Ugh. At the end of the day, the happy hour did not make me happier. Must remember that in the future.

I did end up going to the gym this morning, but I did sort of a half-assed weight workout instead of the Body Pump class I had planned. I have a massage scheduled for this afternoon which I'm really looking forward to, so hopefully that will get me out of my funk and help relax me a little. I'm also trying to drink a ton of water to flush that salt out of my body.

Tonight - sushi with the girls, and then tomorrow I'm going to kickboxing in the morning and hanging with the boy all day before he leaves for Denmark for 10 days. I still plan on showing a loss this week - I  just know I am going to have to work really hard this weekend to make that happen.

Thinking to Do

Hi. Long time no write. Mostly because I've been waffling about what I'm going to do. Not just about my life and my future and my career. I'm waffling day-to-day, about what goes in my mouth and what kind of workouts I'm doing and mostly I've been struggling. Somehow I can't get it moving and even though I know what the right choices are, I can't seem to make them. 

We went to Maryland over the weekend for a wedding and had a fantastic time, but looking back on it and the choices I made I think it's time I acknowledge I have some major issues with food. I mean, I guess I've known this all along, but I really need to figure out why I do the things I do. Why I sabotage any success I might have. Why I use any occasion, small or big, as an excuse to binge. This weekend I ate starburst, cheez-its, chicken strips, french fries, red velvet cake, ice cream and who knows what else, just because I was on "vacation." No other reason. Ridiculous. I came back weighing at least 5 more lbs than I did when I left. It all started the night before we left, with a giant falafel sandwich. And pretty much went straight downhill from there. 

So what is it? What are my motivations? What is behind this? Is it food addiction? Yes. Is it self-medication? Yes. Is it pure boredom? Yes. I know these things. Yet I cannot CAN. NOT. for the life of me figure out how to stop myself in the moment. How to take a step back and say, do NOT put that in your mouth. Do not continue opening Starbursts like a zombie, without even thinking about it, and put them in your mouth. Actually I can figure out how to say it, because even as I'm partaking in these bad behaviors I'm thinking I shouldn't be doing it, yet I still go ahead and do it. My brain thinks "no, no, no" and my mouth goes "yes, yes, yes." 

And I don't know how to stop it. All I can do for right now is get back on the wagon, yet again, and try to keep going. It think I feel like if I keep trying, just keep trying, no matter how many times I fail at this, one of these days I'll succeed. Today I'm feeling bloated, and gross, and like I want to do something drastic. But I know drastic never works for me, so I'm just going to go back to my normal eating habits, my HEALTHY eating habits. I'm eating nourishing, whole foods and I'm giving my body what it wants. 

I just don't want to go through another year where all I think about is the weight I'm not losing and the weight I should be losing. I really want to hit my goal weight. And if I really want it, and know how to do it, it should be attainable. It will be attainable. I'm going to keep trying, day in and day out. In the meantime I thin I've got a lot of thinking to do. 

Career Outlook?

Eh. I just feel eh. Can't really think of any other way to describe it. So much crap has been going on in my life, and sadly none of it is really that positive. I keep thinking I should be footloose and fancy free or carefree or some other crap, but if I honestly examine my feelings most of the time, I'm pissed off, sad, angry or just plain annoyed. I'm still sort of feeling that apathy I was talking about in my last post I guess. 

Part of it is my current job situation. I had an interview, two interviews and then they took me out to lunch and schmoozed me and and showed me the office and I was so, so excited because I thought finally, finally! I'm going to get a job and go back to work. I thought I had it in the bag.It wasn't my dream job, but it was a good job and I was happy that my career wasn't going down the shitter anymore and I was going to make some money and feel like a contributing member of our household and it was going to be good. I would wear pants again on a regular basis. Not just workout clothes, which I practically live in now. 

Then the recruiter called and left me a message on my voicemail telling me they had offered it to another candidate. What?!? Why take me out to lunch? Why the schmoozing? What did I do wrong? I am not going to lie, I cried. A lot. I just didn't get it. I was rejected. I hate being rejected. I finally talked to my would-be boss and he told me they were worried I was a little overqualified, that I might be bored, etc. and although he gave valid reasons, it still really hurts. I don't like being told no. I am not good at processing no. I automatically go to the "I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough" place and that is not a good place for me to be. 

I cried and ate a lot of frozen yogurt and then I went to Texas to see my dad/stepmom/stepsisters and I ate so much food when I was there. As is typical, I totally reverted back to my childhood behavior and comforted myself with lots and lots of food. Good Mexican food. I'll bet I ate 1,000 calories worth of tortilla chips alone one day. I did go on a run while I was down there, which was the talk of the family. Everyone was so amazed by one little run. And both of my grandfathers made semi-inappropriate comments on how I'd lost weight (they hadn't seen me since I'd been back from Singapore). Still, I came home from Texas and I had gained about 6 lbs. Most of that was water weight blah blah and I took most of it right back off, but I'm still up a bit and I can see myself on that brink. I don't think I'm ready to just maintain for a few months. Maybe that's what I'll end up doing, but I think I still need to try. 

Now that I'm back in Denver, I'm still pissed off about the job situation and I feel like I'm back at square one. My husband has really encouraged me to think about what I want to do with myself, and I keep coming back to my interest in diet/fitness. Maybe I should pursue a career in this after all? But what kind of career? I don't think fitness trainer. As much as I love the gym, it's just not for me. I'm not mentally or physically ready to pursue that and I think it's possible I have too many issues with my body for me to ever be ready for that. So what else is there?

Well... I started thinking about it and I thought maybe I could become a registered dietician? It's not easy to do, it takes a lot of schooling and a degree and then passing another test and that all takes time and money. But I'm still young enough, and even though I have a career and two degrees already, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere at the moment so maybe I do have the time do pursue something else, something I'm actually already pretty passionate about? 

There are two Universities in the Denver area that offer R.D. programs, so I sent them both emails about my credentials and about whether or not they have openings, and I actually heard back from one and may be meeting with the director of the University of Northern Colorado's program this week! This is all very early days, so I'm not getting too excited about anything yet, but at least I can pick her brain about what the market is like for dieticians right now and find out whether or not this might be something I'd actually want to do. 

There are so many things to consider. I'd have to commute to Greeley for this program, which is NOT close (1 hour 10 minutes away) but maybe I could cluster my classes in such a way that I'd only have to do it a couple of times a week? I'd also have to take a LOT of science classes, which might be hard for this former English major, but you know, I think I'm pretty smart and I can handle it. I'd also have to find the money, and resign myself to not having a job for at least two years, if not more, and that is kind of a scary thing. And what if I never get to my goal weight and then I'm this overweight dietician? Isn't that kind of hypocritical? AND we've been thinking about the pregnancy thing, and what if being in school and having a baby is too much for me? And what if I go back to school, and I decide to do this, and then I'm not happy with this either? What if I'm never happy? I don't know.

I do know it's something I'm at least interested in exploring, and even if that's all it ever is, at least I'll have looked into it and I'll know that I'm not letting life just pass me by, I'm actively thinking about what I want to do and who I want to be. I'm still trying to think about other jobs/things I could do in this field, because clearly it's a hobby of mine, and I haven't come up with much. All I know is each as each new week comes and goes, I get more and more upset about my situation, my lack of a job, a direction, a purpose, and I think something has to change. 

Pokes Head Up

I may finally be on the mend. I'm still coughing a bit and for some reason I can't shake this sense of utter exhaustion, but besides that I'm feeling a zillion times better. I don't know what this plague is all about but is an absolute ass-kicker. And what is it about the plague that just makes me want to eat? There is this new Mexican place down the street from my house that is so freaking amazingly delicious and I wish I hadn't tried it. But of course I did and now all I want to do is drown myself in bean burritos. Ugh.

I attempted to hit the gym for the first time in a full week on Saturday morning before I had to go to a friend's baby shower, but I lasted a paltry 20 minutes before I had to get off and go lay on my couch. After lounging about pretty much all day Sunday and Monday, I finally managed to make it back to the gym this morning for a boot camp class, and although it was super tough and I can tell my body still isn't 100%, I was SO happy to be back. I really have made fitness a part of my life, and while it amazes me, taking more than a week off from working out really makes me crazy. I miss the movement, I miss the sweat, I miss the way my body feels when my heart rate is up and I'm sucking wind. I actually like inflicting pain on myself. :)

But, with the lack of working out over the past couple of weeks and the crappy food intake, my goals have sort of fallen by the wayside. I feel puffy and bloated and yucky. And it's not just because of the plague. I'm ready to get myself back on track on all accounts. AND, I need to take advantage of my current jobless situation while I still can, because (fingers crossed) I had an interview last week and I think it went really well. So while I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I am cautiously optimistic about potentially having a day gig to go to soon! 

So what does that mean for this week? Back to the gym, back to kickboxing and the treadmill and hopefully, even back to broccoli. I need to get my mojo back stat.  The boy had to go out of town for work so it's just me and the dogger, and I think this is the perfect time to get moving.

Mother Lovin GOALS

Good bad up down on off. Consistency has left the building. Actually I don't know if I EVER had it. The past two months have just been hard. I really feel like every day is a battle. When it comes to my food choices, I'm just not strong. I can plan and plan but it seems I have one little slip-up and my whole day gets turned on it's side. Too much alcohol one night turns into pizza and cookies the next day. A bite of my husband's french fries and suddenly I want to go out for ice cream. Who is this person? Not me. 

The good news is I have been working out like a fiend. And I do have my good days. So at least I'm maintaining. And I think I may even be down a pound or so this week, but I'm still up at least four lbs from my lowest weight, and I don't know if I'll ever break that elusive 170 barrier. Actually eff that, I do know. I'm putting it out in the universe. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? I will see the 160's in March or April. As fatblogland as my witness, I will do this. 

In that spirit, I think I need a few more goals. SMART goals. Specific, measurable, achievable, r.... what's the r stand for again? And t? I don't know t either. Anyway, the first three will do. 

So, a few small goals, and a few bigger goals. 

1. Workout 4-6 times per week. This should be a breeze given my current level of activity. I am including snowboarding and snowshoeing in this as well as trips to the gym, outdoor runs, bike rides, whatever else I come up with. This does not include walking the dog. 

2. Stay within my calorie range at least 6 days a week. I can go over one day IF it is a day that I have worked out and IF I have stayed in my range the other six days. It isn't an all-out blowout, but I will allow myself some extra calories. 

3. Lose a minimum of 5 lbs by May 1. I know I can do this. I will do this. This will be 5 lbs below my official weigh-in as of tomorrow, February 25. 

4. Improve my form in kickboxing. I am loving this workout right now and I want to improve. I don't know how to measure that, but I think aiming to always jack instead of march might be a good start. Also to try to actually kick out instead of just toward the ground. 

5. Cook. Starting with going to the grocery store right now. 

Okay I think that's it. I feel good having some goals down. 

I AM FINE

Okay I am fine. I have gained some pounds and am having trouble getting on track but really, I am fine. I have been to the gym every day this week. I had a salad for lunch because I was craving greens. So really, I am fine. I have to keep telling myself this because I can see where I'm going, I can see how I'm falling and I need it not to happen. I need not to gain weight and in fact I need to lose 15-20 more lbs forever. And ever. I am going to be fine. I need to make sure I'm fine. 

We decided to go to the mountains for the weekend and stay at the boy's parent's house. i think it's good. It'll be just the two of us and the dogger. I think we need the time together, and I think it'll be good for me to remove myself from some of the social situations that have been causing me to overdo it on the food and alcohol front. Tonight we'll probably just stay in, cook something easy. Tomorrow we're going to get up and go snowshoeing, which is always a butt-kicker. I don't know about tomorrow night, I guess we're just going to find someplace up in the mountains to go eat, although we may end up staying in again as it's sure to be packed with tourists given it's President's Day weekend. 

Anyway, I'm hoping I can pull it together and have a good weekend. I know just a couple of good days in a row will really help me get to a better place mentally. And that's what I need right now.

Hopefully It Lives Up to Its Name

I took a pregnancy test today. 

It's so weird how I've been doing all this waffling back and forth about how soon I want to get pregnant and whether or not I'm ready and this and that and then, things started happening and I thought, well maybe I'll just be pregnant and I won't have planned for it and that's how it'll be. 

Let me back up. So since we've been back from Singapore, I've been trying to go back on my food plan (aka not eat everything in sight) but I've been having a really hard time sticking to it. Meaning I think I've gained a couple of pounds. Actually I know it. Then my boobs started getting sore. Really sore. Painfully sore. Then I started getting emotional about some things. And last night, some little thing just clicked in the back of my head and I thought, shit, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm fat and hormonal and pregnant. 

So what did I do? Pretty much the stupidest thing in the world. I got on the Internets. And I started reading. And self-diagnosing. Now I have an IUD or IU whatever they are calling it these days. It's the Mirena and it's supposed to be 99% effective at preventing pregnancy. Wouldn't you know it though, there are lots of ladies on the good old world wide web that have gotten pregnant even with this sucker in place. Lots. And they have stories. Lots and lots of stories. So I started reading the stories and thinking hmmm, maybe I'm one of these stories.

I stayed up way too late, tossed and turned and had visions of babies dancing in my head. I was scared and sort of freaked out but part of me, and I don't think it was that little of a part, was kind of excited. So I got up this morning, went straight to Safeway and purchased the error proof test. 

I didn't even make coffee because I thought, well, if I am pregnant I'm going to have to give up caffeine. Nevermind the massive amounts of alcohol I consumed all weekend. What can I say, I thought I had pregnant brain. Already using it as an excuse. 

Moving on. 

I came home and put some eggs on to boil. I peed. I looked. I wasn't pregnant. 

And it's fine, I'm glad I'm not pregnant because I wasn't planning on that yet and I would have been freaking out about my alcohol consumption and my arthritis medication and a host of other things, so it's good, but part of me, part of me was really sad too. 

So now what? Does that mean that I'm more ready than I thought? Am I really just hormonal and on some kind of period that really isn't a period and that's why I'm bloated and my boobs hurt? I don't know. I am going to think about it and process it all and try to understand what I'm feeling. I think it's important to try to take a step back and observe my reactions and figure out what they mean. I'm certainly not rushing to make an appointment to get the goalie removed. But I'm not so scared anymore. My husband and I will make this decision together and whatever and whenever we decide, it'll be fine.

In the meantime, I need to get my shit together and stop letting things slide on the weekends. I need to cut way back on my alcohol intake. I'm not in college anymore and this is getting ridiculous. Being healthy is important to me and I need to make it a priority. Right now today. 

Monday Blah

STILL can't figure it out. This weekend was worse than ever. I think it's my surroundings. And maybe even my friends. It's my lack of structure. It's the overwhelming amount of choices. It's the stupid Super Bowl and the peanut butter cookies and the wine, oh the wine, and the tortilla chips and and and...

Okay, that's bullshit. It's all these things, but mostly it's just me. I make the decisions about what goes in my mouth and what doesn't. I am the one. And if I don't make good choices, I don't lose. It's as simple as that. 

I look at what I wrote last Friday, and I'm completely clear about my problems and what I need to do in order to get this weight off. The problem is turning those thoughts, these words on a page, into action. Action. Each freaking meal. Each day. One meal at a time. All of those things I know, I just need to do. 

I'm going back to South Beach pretty strict this week. I just need to see some success, and I know that works for me. I won't be doing Phase One again, but I will only have whole grain carbs one meal per day and fruit one meal per day. I'm also going to try to avoid alcohol for at least this week, if not more. Surely I should be able to do that. I think if I can get the scale moving in the right direction again, maybe I'll find that happy motivated good place I so desperately need right now. 

February is here. The year is moving on. And I won't let it be just another up and down year. That is not going to happen. Not again. 

Tracking

Oh man. Yesterday I kind of lost it. I went out for dinner with a girlfriend and she wanted to order chips and salsa. So we did. And of course I just totally overdid it. And once I did that I guess I was kind of like, oh well, my day's ruined, why not just make it worse? We did split a salad for our actual dinner, but I also had two beers, and then of course dug into the ice cream and dove squares when I got home. 

Sigh. 

Two steps forward, one step back. It's a roller coaster this thing. I know it's one I will never ever get off of either. Just the other day I was entering my food intake into SparkPeople, and the boy was watching and he asked how many years of tracking my food intake, weight, workouts, I have. Well, I've been tracking my weight on a weekly basis in an Excel spreadsheet since 2004. But I've been using SparkPeople sporadically since 2006, and it is crazy to me that I can go back and pick a random day, say September 5, 2006, and know I had oatmeal for breakfast, a salad for lunch, a luna bar, and some kind of egg and cheese tortilla concoction for dinner. I ate 1348 calories.  That is insane. Don't get me wrong, in a way it's cool to have all of this information, but in a way I'm wondering - where has all of this gotten me?

At that time in my life, I weighed .6 lbs more than I do now. It was about a month before my wedding and I was at one of my lowest adult weights. In the past 2+ years, I've re-gained, and then re-lost, more than 20 lbs. But I know I can go back and look at the big stretches where this is no information, where I wasn't tracking, and see that that is when I was gaining. 

Tracking works for me. It's a pain in the ass and sometimes I think I'm crazy for dealing with all of this information all the time, but I know it works. When I can see that I've already eaten X amount of calories and I need to keep dinner on the smaller side, that is a good thing. I think in a way, I'll probably always track calories. I like seeing the data right there in front of me, and knowing how it correlates to my weight. 

Anyway, today is a new day, and I'm going to do the best I can. Right now that means heading to the gym to burn off some of those tortilla chips. Not sure what's on tap for tonight, but tomorrow will be an early day so we can make it to Breck before the lines get too long. Wish me luck with my apres-ski eating challenges! 

New day

Okay so I'm over it. Over beating myself up. Moving on. It's a new day, new month, new everything. Done-zo. 

Yesterday I lazed on the couch all day and watched a ton of episodes of Lipstick Jungle online. We hardly get any current TV shows over here, they're all last seasons reruns, but I choose to watch this show online? I will never understand myself. Somehow I'm hooked on it though. I don't know. 

This morning I got up and had breakfast with a friend, just eggs and a piece of wheat toast. I then went straight to the gym and did a weight circuit followed by 30 minutes on the elliptical. I'm still not feeling great physically, probably because I slept like crap again last night, so I may take a nap this afternoon and see if that helps. I can't believe I'm so old that I have two day hangovers. That is just sad. 

Our Thanksgiving hosts did send us home with some turkey, stuffing, and about half of a pie, but thank goodness today none of it even sounds good. I may have some of the turkey in a salad for dinner but we'll see. No pie though. I need to go the store and get food for the week but I'm just not motivated at all. Waaaahhh waaahhhh wahhhh. Wow I'm a serious Debbie downer today. Maybe I'm not over it after all. These things take time I guess. 

I can't believe it, but we are actually leaving Singapore in 19 days. The time has gone by so fast. We are leaving on the 19th and spending Christmas in Japan, then we head back to the States on the 28th. Have I mentioned that here? I can't remember. While I'm super excited to get back to my family and friends, I just can't believe I'm leaving here already. I have to make the most of my time here. And I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to get all my crap back into the two suitcases I brought over here. Not gonna stress about it now though. Now it's naptime. 

Gross

I'm hungover and feeling guilty. I ate too much yesterday. It feels shitty. It's amazing how one day of overeating and drinking can change your whole outlook. I was feeling so great. But now the guilt it setting in. So instead of dwelling on it, I'm just going to get it off my chest here and try to go back to being successful. 

The good news is, we had a great time yesterday celebrating our American Thanksgiving in Singapore. I started off the day well with a great hour-long treadmill workout and burned about 600 calories. Then we went to some friends apartment and had almost all of the traditional dishes. Turkey, stuffing, an asparagus casserole (which was new to me but quite delicious). I brought a salad so I would be sure to have at least one healthy dish. I did great to start, took only a little bit of each item, didn't overeat, but I allowed myself a treat piece of pie. 

So far so good right? Well that's when the drinking started. Wine with dinner. Then vodka. And more vodka. We ended up going out to karaoke. It was hilarious and really fun. But we were out until almost 1:30, and having eaten at around 5, I was starving again. Couple that with a McDisgusto around the corner from my apartment and you have a recipe for disaster. 

Let me preface this my saying I never eat McD's. I am morally against it. I think the food is gross. But sometimes my head just doesn't work properly. It's like I was on auto-pilot last night. Last night I succumbed to my french fry craving and also had a Big Mac with no meat. Talk about carbs. I probably spiked the hell out of my blood sugar and then promptly went to bed. Yuck. 

So yeah, it feels shitty. I tracked all my calories in Spark People and it is not pretty. About 2500 for the day and who knows if I remembered everything. I am really glad I got that workout in. I'm glad we had a nice celebration with friends and had a good night out. I'm trying not to feel guilty. I don't want to let this throw me off track. So even though I'm feeling yucky and craving sugar today, I stuck to a turkey sandwich with lots of veggies for lunch. I am trying to chug water even though I don't want to. I'm going to make a healthy dinner. 

I'm also trying to think about why I did this. I was on such a roll. I am on such a roll. I don't think I was sad and missing my family and trying to soothe myself with food. I think I was just drunk and falling back into old, bad habits. I gave myself permission to indulge a little yesterday, but I took advantage of that permission. I took advantage of myself. So next time I give myself permission to indulge, I'm just going to have to be that much more aware. This clearly is one battle that I'm never going to stop fighting. 

I wasn't worried about Thanksgiving, I had planned to kick Thanksgiving's ass. And honestly I think I did kick it's ass for the most part. It was just the night out drinking that got me. I'm going to learn from this though. I'm going to remember this feeling and I'm going to move on.