Saturday, November 19, 2005


Sore beyond belief. On Thursday I could barely even sit down on the toilet. I had to gingerly place myself there. I know its a good thing to be sore, but the extent to which my soreness has gone on makes me realize that my muscles were and are seriously weak. Over the past couple of months, okay maybe even more like the past 8 months, I haven't been lifting consistently at all. I MIGHT have done a circuit at the gym. Or MAYBE I would do a Firm tape.

And now I'm paying for that. It's Saturday and I'm still sore, but the worst of it has definitely gone away. I just hope I'm ready for my next session with the trainer on Tuesday. I think I will be. I'll be there and I'll be pumped.

So due to soreness I haven't really done much cardio except one 40 minute session on the elliptical, which I thought might help get my blood flowing, etc. It didn't really help that much. I'm going to attempt some sort of other cardio today, maybe swimming or a bike ride. It's freezing cold outside today though so I'll have to venture over to the gym.

So I've been thinking a lot about how it's often said that overweight women, or maybe just women in general, aren't selfish enough and don't take enough time for themselves. We're always so worried about someone or something else that we don't stop to think about the damage we're doing to our bodies. I don't think I ususally have that problem. I'm fairly in tune with my needs (sleeping, working out, eating, etc..) and I usually don't put those needs on the back burner for other people. But I often put those needs on the back burner in favor of the other side of me, the side that wants to pretend she's a skinny party girl that can just eat and drink whatever she wants and stay up late and not have to worry about it or face the consequences of those actions.

I know I'm not that person. But sometimes I just wish so badly that I was. And I make bad decisions based on those stupid thoughts inside of my head. Pretty much every weekend. And I know this will continue into the holidays. I'm nervous about the holidays. For a variety of reasons. Because my family will be crazy. Because I will get stressed about money. Because if history repeats itself, which it may, I will gain weight. More weight. I don't want that to happen. On the surface I don't want that to happen. Underneath though, I'm not sure.

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