Friday, May 04, 2007

I might be miserable. I’m worried about my weight. My heart. My hormones. How many antioxidants I’m eating. Am I getting enough calcium? Fiber? Protein?

I worry and I ponder and I fret and I make plans, plans in my head. Then I forget and I eat a whole bag of tortilla chips. And some margaritas. And some ice cream and some macaroons and some wine and some trail mix.

And then I eat a veggie sandwich. And I like it. And I think... maybe.

I work out and I join boot camp and I kick ass. I do pushups and situps and mountain climbers. I run.

And then I sit on my ass. I slump in front of the computer. I read weight loss blogs. I think about doing something. I plan. I plan in my head. But I sit.

I think about being the kind of person who eats only organic. Vegan. No hormones. No sugar. No dairy. Nothing fried. Only complex carbohydrates. Virtuous.

Then I eat some nachos.

I am conflicted. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I'm confused.


Lynne said...

Oh Jen, you and I are so alike! I totally, totally, totally get this post. It scares me how much of my thoughts and energy are wrapped up in health/weight loss/ fitness. Honestly, some people have hobbies or interests. I have an obsession with Fat.
I don't know, I guess I feel conflicted, crazy, and confused so much of the time too. Like today. I tried to convince myself to workout. Instead I ate half a rack of barbecue ribs and a side of fries. Then I feel so guilty so I try to read fat blogs to be inspired or at least to distract myself until I get refocused. Yet even as I'm sitting here I'm thinking about the closest cold stone to my house. It just sucks.

K said...


Although I'm not sure what trail mix is.

I know what you mean. I have an amazing ability to be virtuous for several days, then say "but not today" when things get stressful or busy.

Is it me, or has being vegetarian gone out of fashion? Seems like everyone is either vegan, or eats meat...

Alea said...

I so get what you're talking about! Especially the "sitting in front of the computer and reading weight loss blogs and making plans in my head" thing... Right now, I'm good but I know it can change as quickly as that. Hang in there.

Jen said...

Who gave you the keys to my brain?! Scary how much we're like! Just catching up with your postings since returning from vacation and wanted to say hello!