Tracking

Oh man. Yesterday I kind of lost it. I went out for dinner with a girlfriend and she wanted to order chips and salsa. So we did. And of course I just totally overdid it. And once I did that I guess I was kind of like, oh well, my day's ruined, why not just make it worse? We did split a salad for our actual dinner, but I also had two beers, and then of course dug into the ice cream and dove squares when I got home. 

Sigh. 

Two steps forward, one step back. It's a roller coaster this thing. I know it's one I will never ever get off of either. Just the other day I was entering my food intake into SparkPeople, and the boy was watching and he asked how many years of tracking my food intake, weight, workouts, I have. Well, I've been tracking my weight on a weekly basis in an Excel spreadsheet since 2004. But I've been using SparkPeople sporadically since 2006, and it is crazy to me that I can go back and pick a random day, say September 5, 2006, and know I had oatmeal for breakfast, a salad for lunch, a luna bar, and some kind of egg and cheese tortilla concoction for dinner. I ate 1348 calories.  That is insane. Don't get me wrong, in a way it's cool to have all of this information, but in a way I'm wondering - where has all of this gotten me?

At that time in my life, I weighed .6 lbs more than I do now. It was about a month before my wedding and I was at one of my lowest adult weights. In the past 2+ years, I've re-gained, and then re-lost, more than 20 lbs. But I know I can go back and look at the big stretches where this is no information, where I wasn't tracking, and see that that is when I was gaining. 

Tracking works for me. It's a pain in the ass and sometimes I think I'm crazy for dealing with all of this information all the time, but I know it works. When I can see that I've already eaten X amount of calories and I need to keep dinner on the smaller side, that is a good thing. I think in a way, I'll probably always track calories. I like seeing the data right there in front of me, and knowing how it correlates to my weight. 

Anyway, today is a new day, and I'm going to do the best I can. Right now that means heading to the gym to burn off some of those tortilla chips. Not sure what's on tap for tonight, but tomorrow will be an early day so we can make it to Breck before the lines get too long. Wish me luck with my apres-ski eating challenges! 

Holy kickboxing! I love that class. Remind me why I haven't been going every week? Oh because I'm too lazy to get out of bed that early? Well no more. I am making a commitment to going every Wednesday. It is incredible. I am totally uncoordinated and just flail about most of the time but still, I love it. And I think I have a little girl crush on the instructor. 

So where the eff was Jillian on BL last night? It felt like she was barely in the episode, and honestly she is the whole reason I watch that show. I like seeing the workouts, the yelling and the screaming. The challenges and the hour-long weigh-ins don't really do it for me. I think they are stretching out the show to be way too long. Come on NBC, don't you have any other programming? I want more info about what they eat, what their workouts are really like, and I want more Jillian. Isn't Alison Sweeney an adorable pregnant person though? Somehow I don't think I'm going to be that adorable when I'm pregnant. 

Today it is finally warming up, which of course means all the snow is melting and there is dirty slush everywhere. I guess the mountains are getting dumped on, which means snowboarding this weekend though! I'm stoked to go, we've barely been up at all this year because of our traveling, but I finally got a helmet and I think that is going to lead to a lot more confidence on my snowboard. Maybe I'll venture on to some more blacks this year. We'll see. 

Still no news on the job front, not one freaking call. I'm giving it until the end of February and then I'm going to start exploring other options. Coffee shop? Retail? The idea of doing retail makes me want to poke my eyes out with a stick, so hopefully someone calls me soon. I guess in the meantime I'll keep doing the housewife thing. ;) 

I'm trying to stay on the South Beach wagon this week, so lunch will be leftover vegetarian chili (recipe from the book, made it for dinner last night) and dinner is out with the girls so I'll probably just order a salad. Oh yeah and I weighed in today, down 1.2 from last week. Still up about 2 lbs from my lowest, but I'm breaking through in February. It's happening baby! 

Catch Up

Hi. I'm still sucking at blogging. I also had a very personal moment and realized there are some people out there, in real life people, reading this, and I'm not sure if I like that. I know I am out there in this public forum doing this on the giant big Internet, but I don't know, it still feels anonymous. And mostly I like that. I went private for a minute, but I'm back now. We'll see how long it lasts. 

Anyway, things are okay. I haven't found a job. I haven't even gotten any call backs, which is insane to me. I don't know if I am just over-confident or what, but I feel like anybody who sees my resume should immediately want to call me. I mean I'm a bad-ass right? Yet, it's crickets. There could be a lot of reasons for this, of course the shitty economy being one, and the fact that I have this giant blank spot on my resume from living in Singapore, but I still feel like I should be getting calls. I need something to help me feel successful, and I feel like my career has always been one of those things. And I don't have that right now. 

It's okay though, I still sort of like being on my own every day and just being able to hit the gym whenever I want. Yesterday, even though it was snowing and single digit temps, I ventured out and hit the treadmill for an amazing workout. Ever since we got back from Singapore, I've had some trouble running because my body is taking FOREVER to adjust to being back at altitude. I've never had this problem before because I've lived here most of my life, so it has been a drag. But yesterday, I felt great. I hopped on the treadmill, started running, and didn't stop for 40 minutes. And I ran the whole time! No walk breaks. It felt amazing. My lungs felt great. My legs felt great. I spent the last 20 walking at an incline, and when I was finished I was so pumped. Runner's high is real. 

My main problem right now is social interaction and the fact that a lot of my social life revolves around drinking. There are so many people I still have to catch up with now that I'm back, and inevitably that involves happy hour or wine and cheese or something like that. It's not binging, but alcohol calories add up fast and they lead to me not reaching my goals. This is a constant struggle and I don't think I've figured out how to handle it yet. Just this week, I've got happy hours today (Tuesday), Wednesday, and Friday. Tonight I'm just going to get an Iced Tea and take the ribbing I'm sure to get. I'm thinking about ducking out of tomorrow's thing. But canceling social plans and hibernating, while it sounds nice, isn't always going to be an option. I have to figure this out somehow. 

On that note, I am going to head out to walk the dog and then go lift some weights. There are so many things I want to talk about, including Biggest Loser, DietTribe, life at the gym, my family's weight loss efforts, and jeans shopping, but it seems like every time I come here all I'm doing is playing catch up. Hopefully this will serve as a reminder for next time.

The Jobless Wonder

I am trying really hard to get back in the blogging groove. Why is this hard for me? I like reading. I like writing. It's not like I don't have the time right now. So it's morning and I'm going to try a morning-time post. 

Remember how I was all "oh pilates, that class was crap, etc. etc. complain complain."? Well yeah, my abs are ridiculously sore today. So I guess even though I hated the class, at least I got some good ab work in. Enough that it made turning over in bed last night quite a process. 

This morning I'm doing my usual no-job routine, which is to say get up, check email, blogs, twitter, etc. and see if there are any new job postings. There aren't. Make some hard-boiled eggs and coffee for breakfast. Give the dogger a little bit of leftover egg. Realize that probably wasn't a good idea in terms of the assault on my nose. Blog (this one is new). Take the dog on a walk, come back, go to the gym. Home, shower, more Internet and lunch and then figure out how to spend the afternoon. Usually it's some combination of cleaning/washing something and then some errand outing. 

Ugh. Looking at it written out it looks so pathetic. I think I need a job. My brain is melting. I miss having interaction with people. I miss getting creative. But the economy is what it is, and I will find a job if I can and in the meantime, I will try to do things I love and enjoy this time. I will read more books. Lots of books. I will figure out what to do with my travel blog. And I will go see Twilight (tonight!) because I still haven't seen it. 

I weighed myself again this morning and I'm still up. The gain does not seem to be going away. I'm resolved to have a low calorie day today. Which means no chocolate. I can do one day with no chocolate for crying out loud. The movie will be hard, but I will survive. 

I guess since I'm sooooo busy I better get moving. Have a good day everyone. 

Lots of things

Okay I think I've talked myself off of the ledge with the baby thing. I know I don't need to have a baby right this minute. If I want to work on myself for a while longer, be selfish and enjoy this time with my husband, that's okay. I've accepted that. Life is what you make it. And while I'm still thinking about starting a family pretty soon, I know whatever decision I ultimately make, this isn't the only thing that defines me. 

As far as the whole diet realm goes, I've been struggling a bit. I got back on the south beach bandwagon right after the new year, but it has definitely been harder sticking to it now that I'm faced with so many more temptations. This weekend I sort of lost my mind and had a crazy ridiculous day that included ordering pizza and Dairy Queen (WTF???). Anyway, this, along with numerous other indiscretions, led to a 1.8 lb gain this week. Boo. I totally deserve it, but it sucks. Once again I find myself wavering just over that 170 lb barrier. 

I don't know why but I just cannot seem to get past that number. It is driving me up the mother effing wall. It's like I get to this comfortable place, where I'm cozy and feeling on the thinner side and then all of the sudden I just hit a wall. And I gain. I realize I even talked about this in my last post, and then what did I go and do this week? I gained. Of course.

I have got to figure out some way to turn this around. I know what to do. But man it is hard. And this week is going to be a major test, because we are heading to Vegas for the weekend. Oh Vegas. Booze and food and no sleep. I'm going to try to combat those issues though and bring some healthy snacks, really watch my alcohol intake and stick to ordering the healthy basics I know will help get me toward my goals. 

In other news, I joined the big chain gym by my house, which is completely too crowded, but way less expensive than the gym I belonged to before I left for Singapore. I tried a pilates class this morning and absolutely hated it. I hated the instructor, all the people in there, everything about it. There was no direction on form, no fundamentals. We just flew through the exercises without a second thought. It sucked. If I hadn't had the basics of pilates down I would have had no clue what I was doing. And I probably would have injured myself. That is not good. I was really annoyed when the class was over, so I hopped on the elliptical and did 40 minutes to blow off some steam.  It ended up being an okay workout, but it still annoys me that they have crap classes like that at the gym. I did like kickboxing last week, so maybe I'll try that again next week. 

Tonight I'm making a delicious recipe that I found on Kalyn's Kitchen. It's baked chicken stuffed with sun-dried tomato pesto, basil and goat cheese. OMG this stuff is the bomb-diggity. I am on a big goat cheese kick now that I have access to it. I can hardly get enough. I'll probably pair this with a spinach salad (yes, with some goat cheese). On that note, I better get cooking!

Confusion

Hi. I'm back from Singapore. I've been back for a while but I haven't been blogging. I know I need to get back to it though. I need to have something to keep me accountable. I just feel a little lost right now. I don't know what to think. 

Food and exercise are probably the only things that I can control in my life right now, but honestly I feel like even with those I'm hanging on by a thread. Japan was amazing, but it was really hard on me emotionally to not spend Christmas and my birthday (two days after Christmas) with my family. And then on the 28th, when our plane finally pulled up to the gate in Denver and we were home, I was so happy. So happy to see my friends and my family and my dogger. But I think the initial high has worn off and now I'm starting to worry about my future. I've always been a worrier but now it's getting really bad.

We came home to a whirlwind of activity. New Year's eve parties, belated Christmas and birthday celebrations with both my family and the boy's family, a couple of days in the mountains snowboarding with friends. We ate so much and drank so much and got so little sleep that by the end of last week, we were both pretty much running on empty. The jet lag caught up with us big time and we were cranky and just wanting to settle into a routine. That routine started on Monday with the boy going into the office and me doing... well, doing nothing. 

This is the problem. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm back on track with food and exercise. I was so excited to go to an American grocery store and get all of the food products I've been missing. But other than that, I don't know what I'm doing. I've been thinking about going back to work. I updated my resume and started looking. But as you know, this is pretty much the worst possible time to be doing that. My prospects don't look good. And I don't even know if I want to go back to my current career. I wasn't that happy with it before I got laid off last year. But I also don't want to let all my aspirations go down the toilet. I don't want to become just someone's wife. Or just someone's mom. I'm more than that. Not that being a full-time mom isn't amazing, because I know it is. Please don't think I'm insulting anyone here. I'm just scared for me. Scared that I'll forget something about myself. That I won't know who I am anymore. 

Everyone says I should get pregnant. I'm 29. Tons of my friends are getting pregnant or have just had babies. The boy and I have talked about it and made a tentative plan to start trying later this year. But I'm scared. I want to have a baby. I think. I'm not sure. I mean I do, I want kids. But I don't know. It's scary. I think I could be ready. But I don't know if I'm ever going to have that magic moment where my ovaries start thumping and I just have to have one NOW. Do people have that? 

The other problem is my arthritis. My doc wants to put me on all these drugs. I'm worried about side effects. Especially if I do decide to get pregnant. I will go off of them before I start trying but still. Long term it just scares me to be on hardcore drugs. But I'm scared if I don't take them I will do long-term damage to my joints. I'm so confused. 

And this is the big secret, the one I haven't told anyone yet, because it seems so superficial and disgusting. I really wanted to be thin before I got pregnant. I wanted some time to enjoy it. I have tried so many effing diets. I have lost and gained so much weight over the years. 2008 was the first year I can remember where I actually lost weight and didn't regain any of it over the year. I started in January at 194 lbs. On Dec. 31 I weighed in at 174.4. And as of this past Wednesday I was back down to 170.8, which is after a couple of days being back on track and losing all of the water weight and carb bloat that I probably had. This is basically the same weight I was around the time of my wedding in October of 2006, and pretty much the lowest weight of my adult life. But unlike that time around my wedding, I don't plan on gaining it all back. Well I guess I didn't plan on it then, but I did. 

It's the start of a new year and I feel confident I can lose more weight. My initial goal is 160. But I think I could hit 150. That's 20 more pounds. And I really think I can do it. I want to do it. I want to get out of this rut of losing and gaining the same 20-something pounds and staying stuck between 170 and 190. I swear to you I will shout it from the rooftops once I get into the 160's, because I haven't seen scale numbers like that since I can't even remember. 

But yeah, what happens if I get pregnant? What happens to my awesome momentum and all that? What if I gain all my weight back and then some and then I can't get it off because of the baby? 

But what if I wait too long to start trying, and then I have problems? What if I can't get pregnant and then all this waxing about my weight is fucking useless and I should have tried sooner? Am I being selfish? Yeah, I guess I am. And how can I be a good mom if I'm this fucking selfish? What kind of person am I anyway?

I feel like a self-absorbed asshole. I don't know what to think.