Monday, May 11, 2009

Thinking to Do

Hi. Long time no write. Mostly because I've been waffling about what I'm going to do. Not just about my life and my future and my career. I'm waffling day-to-day, about what goes in my mouth and what kind of workouts I'm doing and mostly I've been struggling. Somehow I can't get it moving and even though I know what the right choices are, I can't seem to make them. 

We went to Maryland over the weekend for a wedding and had a fantastic time, but looking back on it and the choices I made I think it's time I acknowledge I have some major issues with food. I mean, I guess I've known this all along, but I really need to figure out why I do the things I do. Why I sabotage any success I might have. Why I use any occasion, small or big, as an excuse to binge. This weekend I ate starburst, cheez-its, chicken strips, french fries, red velvet cake, ice cream and who knows what else, just because I was on "vacation." No other reason. Ridiculous. I came back weighing at least 5 more lbs than I did when I left. It all started the night before we left, with a giant falafel sandwich. And pretty much went straight downhill from there. 

So what is it? What are my motivations? What is behind this? Is it food addiction? Yes. Is it self-medication? Yes. Is it pure boredom? Yes. I know these things. Yet I cannot CAN. NOT. for the life of me figure out how to stop myself in the moment. How to take a step back and say, do NOT put that in your mouth. Do not continue opening Starbursts like a zombie, without even thinking about it, and put them in your mouth. Actually I can figure out how to say it, because even as I'm partaking in these bad behaviors I'm thinking I shouldn't be doing it, yet I still go ahead and do it. My brain thinks "no, no, no" and my mouth goes "yes, yes, yes." 

And I don't know how to stop it. All I can do for right now is get back on the wagon, yet again, and try to keep going. It think I feel like if I keep trying, just keep trying, no matter how many times I fail at this, one of these days I'll succeed. Today I'm feeling bloated, and gross, and like I want to do something drastic. But I know drastic never works for me, so I'm just going to go back to my normal eating habits, my HEALTHY eating habits. I'm eating nourishing, whole foods and I'm giving my body what it wants. 

I just don't want to go through another year where all I think about is the weight I'm not losing and the weight I should be losing. I really want to hit my goal weight. And if I really want it, and know how to do it, it should be attainable. It will be attainable. I'm going to keep trying, day in and day out. In the meantime I thin I've got a lot of thinking to do. 


Jess said...

I can so, so relate to this. And it's really, really sucky. I don't really know what to tell you. One thing that has sort of worked for me is thinking about this problem deliberately when I'm not in the moment. Thinking about the triggers and the situations where I eat when I shouldn't, and planning how to approach them and things that I can tell myself when the moment arrives so that I don't eat more than I should. One thing I often tell myself that works reasonably well is that I'm going to stop eating eventually, so it might as well be now as later.

Still, I really don't know. I hope you can figure this out, though! And I also think that a couple of bad days shouldn't make you feel too terrible about yourself. You have really great habits most of the time and that's more than a lot of people can say.

Shannon (The Daily Balance) said...

Hang in there, you can do it ;)