Dreary

Monday monday. It is dreary and COLD here. Summer is officially over. Or that's what everyone keeps saying. I just got home from taking the dog on a walk and my fingers are so cold I can hardly type. This weekend was not a success at all. I am not going to lie. As I wrote on Friday, I had a shitty night on Thursday. I was determined to get back on the wagon after that, but it just did not happen.

On Friday I guess food wasn't so bad - I had a relatively healthy sushi dinner. But oh the booze. There were three girls at dinner. We split a bottle of wine between the three of us. Fine. Then we went back to E.'s house and proceeded to drink two more bottles of wine. That's one bottle per person. Oops. I'm not sure I did indeed drink an entire bottle, but still. It was enough where I certainly couldn't drive my car. Which means I missed kickboxing on Saturday morning because we had to go get it. And it was pretty much downhill from there.

We went to brunch. We had pizza for dinner. I'm not even going to go into the details. Last night I may have had ice cream for dinner. Wow. It was ugly.

The boy left to go out of town yesterday and I am bummed that he is gone. It just feels lonely around here. Not to mention the cold dreary weather makes me want to eat mac and cheese or some other equally bad for you comfort food. I guess I'm still in my cranky pants mood. I blame it on my period. I'm also having another "I hate the world" joblessness cycle. I haven't even had an interview in weeks. I know it's to the point where I know I should just go get a job in retail or something but I just don't want to. Sometimes it feels like the walls are just closing in on me.

I'm trying to do things to combat these feelings. I've got my other new blog. I'm taking a class. I'm reading. I'm venting here, even though I'm sure this is not the kind of thing you're looking for if you came here for a weight loss blog. It's all whine whine whine.

It's just an ongoing process. Today I am picking myself up off of the floor and I'm dealing. I'm going to make turkey chili for dinner because it's a nice comfort food but it's healthy, and I can eat the leftovers all week. I'm going to give myself permission to watch a movie this afternoon, and watch lots of new TV tonight. I will get to the gym this afternoon. I may not see a loss this week, but that will be okay. There is always next week.

Monday Musings

Oh Monday. It feels kind of gloomy today but I am determined to just get my butt moving and work on some projects and break out of any funky feelings I might be feeling. This weekend was good, hard but good. I stayed within my calorie limits on Friday after my minor freak out about Thursday, but then Saturday ended up with a little emotional eating (read: grilled cheese at dinner) and went high again. Yesterday was great though, and I'm taking some time to plan some menus for the week today so I am hopeful that when I weigh on Wednesday I'll at least be down a little.

You know what sucks though? How one day can screw up an entire week of careful planning, measuring, counting, working? One freaking day. That's all it takes to ruin a lot of really hard work. I don't think that's going to happen to me this week, but honestly it is no wonder that people have a hard time losing weight. Changing habits is HARD and all takes is a little slip up to kill what might have been a two pound weight loss for the week. Or three or four. I guess that's why it's an ongoing process and so many people (myself included of course) struggle for years and years with their weight.

One thing I did do this weekend was declare my intentions to two people in my life that have never had weight problems and often contribute to my losing focus. These are two of my really good girlfriends, both around size 2-4. These women are great, they would never purposefully try to sabotage me or anything like that, but they've also never had to think about their weight. They both work out and eat consciously, it's just not really an issue for them the way it is for me. The main issue is our tendency to get together and make one glass of wine turn into three or four, which then totally throws me off course. It's not a problem for them, they can totally handle it. But it is for me.

So yesterday at the mall, all crammed in to one dressing room together, I acknowledged that issue by telling them I am trying to lose 15 lbs by my Mexico trip in December. I was a little nervous about it because I've made tons of declarations like this in the past that haven't really panned out, but they were both really supportive and nice about it, which was great. After we finished shopping, we went to grab lunch, where they both had a glass of wine. One got a grilled cheese and ham with a side of fries, and one got a chicken sandwich with a side of fries. I got a salad and stuck to water. At first I was really worried about it, but I think I was just wrapped up in my own shit because neither one of them mentioned my lack of wine or how their food was "worse" than mine or any of that crap. We still sat and chatted and had a great time, and the food just wasn't an issue.

I was thinking about it, and I really want to try to make every meal like that. I'm sick of worrying about what I'm going to order and what other people will think and whether or not they'll secretly be mocking me inside of their heads. These people are my friends, so why would they do it? They wouldn't, and if they did, that means they're assholes anyway. If I'm being honest, nobody really cares what I choose to eat, and if they do take issue with it, they're probably just projecting they're own issues on to me.

I know I'll still encounter food and alcohol pushers, that is just a part of life. But I really need to learn to be confident with my choices and no that in the end, they are going to take me the direction I want to go.