Hrmph. I don't think I'm going to lose tomorrow. It's only Week 2 of this challenge and I seem to have screwed it up already. I may even gain. Lame. My big problem is that I strayed from the no alcohol except on special occasions thing and it really did screw me up.
We closed on the house on Thursday, so I had two glasses of wine. That was okay though right? Well then Saturday night we went out to celebrate, and I ended up drinking quite a few beers. And then yesterday was a holiday, and we went to a friend's BBQ, and I ended up drinking way too many beers. And having some cookies, and chips and dip, and blah blah blah. It wasn't good. And this morning I was all set to have a really low cal day and work out after work, but of course we have no food in the house since we are getting ready to go to Texas and we haven't gone to the grocery store, and I had to work late so the gym was out and Annie's Cafe was in.
I know it's all a bunch of lame excuses but I like doing the woo hoo carrots thing rather than bitching about falling off the wagon. So I'll weigh in tomorrow and probably maintain or gain, and that's going to make achieving my goals for this challenge extremely difficult. I'm going to do everything I can to climb back on the wagon, but we're going to Texas tomorrow, and going to Texas and eating well just don't mix for me right now.
Here's the backstory. I was born in this town, Midland, in west Texas, where my mom and dad both grew up. So all of my grandparents and cousins and etc. still live there, along with my dad and my stepmom and stepsisters. My mom and dad got divorced when I was six, then my mom remarried and moved us to Denver. I was born in Midland, but I consider Denver my home. I grew up here, I went to school here, I'm planning my future here, and I love it here. But going to Midland has always been a part of my life. When my sister and I were still little, we'd go for the entire summer to stay with my dad. My mom said we used to come back about 10 lbs heavier every year, and she'd have to work for months for us to get back down to a normal (but still chubby) weight.
Because my dad didn't know what else to do with us. He was a single guy just trying to manage two little girls who he barely ever got to see. So he made fed us Taco Villa and chili dogs and fritos with ranch dressing (seriously, could it get any worse than fritos with ranch dressing?). And my sister and I binged because the food made everything okay for a minute. It made us forget how unhappy my dad was and how hard it was for us to cope with the bitterness he had toward my mother.
Eating has just become a way of life for my sister and I when we go to Texas. There isn't much else to do when we go visit our dad, so we go out to eat. It's just how we relate to each other. We go out to lunch, then popcorn and candy at the movies, then out to dinner, then out to ice cream, and by the end of the day we just all roll into bed like fatty fatty two by fours. It's disgusting and I hate the bad habits we've learned while we're down there. But every time it's like something just kicks in and we forget who we really are. The food has some sort of weird power over us.
My dad is a big guy, and we've just recently learned he has Type II diabetes. I've tried to set a good example the past couple of times I've seen him, but bad habits are hard to break. My stepmom struggles with it more than anyone, because she's a nurse, but unfortunately you can't always tell a grown man what to do. And to top it off, she thinks if she cooks big meals for us we'll love her more, which is absolutely not the case. But I can see how my dad may have trained her to believe this.
It really just goes to show you how much your environment can shape the person you are. I know there is something to be said for nature vs. nurture, and in this case I really do think it's all nurture. I mean I will have all of the best intentions in the world, but as soon as I get in that car for the long drive, it will all go out the window. I have the same relationship with food that my dad has, and sometimes I can't seem to break free of the grasp it has on me.
We're going down there because my dad and my grandparents are throwing us an engagement party. It will be fun, because it will be me and the boy and my sister and his brother (who are dating by the way, have I mentioned that?) hanging out in the car road trippin. I'm really looking forward to seeing my family, and spending time with everyone and showing them what an amazing man I snagged (they've all met him before, but still). What I'm not looking forward to is the food situation.
I have a plan to combat the food situation, and I know exactly how it's going to go. Tomorrow morning I will go on a run before work. Then I'll have my normal healthy breakfast and lunch, come straight home, grab the crew and bags, and hit the road. Dinner will be something on the road. I'm hoping for a Subway stop so I can attempt to have a really healthy day tomorrow. But then it really starts. We'll spend the night in some podunk town in Texas or New Mexico (no offense to you guys but you don't have many healthy options). So I'm going to try to bring a Zone Bar or something of that nature instead of resorting to an egg and cheese biscuit. We'll probably have lunch on the road too, most likely another fast food joint. I'll just have to make the best decision I possibly can. And it goes on and on and on.
Basically, I'll be completely bombarded with food this entire weekend. But you know what, I do not want to gain again! I don't need it! I can have fun and enjoy being around my family without reverting to the thirteen year old binger that I used to be. I don't need food to make me comfortable or happy or okay with myself. My life is great right now, and I'm going down there to celebrate the person I am. That person makes healthy choices and goes on long runs on the weekends and is going to set a good example for her struggling father.
Okay I know this post was really long and probably boring, but I just needed to psych myself up for what I'm about to encounter this weekend. I'll be back Monday to let you know how it all went. I can do this!