I ate like six mini snickers today. Maybe even more. Damn. After all the rah rah posting I've been doing lately. And what do I go and do but fuck it up. I need to start planning a little better because I get hungry in the afternoon and I have nowhere to go except straight for the chocolate. I also skipped my workout yesterday due to trying to find a coffee table and all of the zillion other things we have to do for the move/wedding. I know excuses excuses.
I think my hardcore goals might be freaking me out a little. I'm going to scale back my goals a little, but maybe not much. I don't know. Really what I want to do is hit 160 or even see the 150's by my wedding. Realistically I'm not sure if that's possible. I mean as of last Thursday I was 177.5. I doubt I'll lose this week because I've been a little lax with diet and exercise, but we'll see. As of this Saturday I have 11 weeks until the wedding. That means if I lose 1 lb a week, I'll be down to 166.5. If I lose 1.5 lb a week, I'll be down to 161, so I mean theoretically I should be able to do this with no problem.
Also, I know this is a boring post, but I just need to write out my thoughts about all of this right now so I'm sorry.
Anyway, so the problem with these goals is that the 170's are sort of a stopping point for me. I've mentioned here before that I was at my lowest weight, 171, in 2004 when I was in grad school and really focusing on weight loss. I never got out of the 170's though, the holiday's hit and I pretty much lost it after that. Before 2004 I never really weighed myself religiously, and I'm sure I was in the 160's at some point, (maybe early undergrad?) but I don't really know. And I guess I'm just scared I'm never going to find out. All these thoughts keep running through my head, like why do I sabotage myself when I get firmly into the 170's? Am I afraid of what will happen if the scale keeps going down? What if I have some mental block that means I'll stay in the 170's forever? Or what if my body just thinks this is a good stopping point and no matter what I do I won't be able to get out of here?
I know the physical thing isn't true, but I'm afraid the mental thing may actually be true. The problem is; I don't know why. If I knew why then maybe I'd be able to confront it, but right now I don't really know why. Maybe I'm just afraid of actually achieving my goals. Now I know I have a long way to go and I haven't achieved any goals yet, but it's like the possibility is finally in sight.
I don't see myself going back to that person I used to be. I don't see myself never working out, eating pizza and drinking wine every night. Sure I see myself doing that occasionally, but not all the time like it used to be. I have truly changed. And because of that, there should be no reason why I can't achieve my goal of seeing the 150's by my wedding. But I'm going to start small and see if I can just make it to the 160's for now. Then we'll see about the next set of numbers. It's weird how this seems so easy some days, and so scary and daunting the next. I guess if it was easy we'd all have it figured out by now. I guess that's why they say to take it one day at a time.