Wowzer. Tonight at boot camp we ran the capitol stairs. Up and down and around and around. Oh yeah of course first we had to run to the capitol (about a mile from the boot camp). The we got to the stairs. He had us do triangle formations and other nonsense but basically, it was running up and down the stairs.
It was hardcore. I thought I was going to puke. But I felt so amazing afterward. Absolutely incredible. It's awesome what a hard workout can do for your self esteem.
My sister and I went to get a salad at Whole paycheck after bootcamp tonight. I put ranch on mine. I felt like I deserved some ranch. There may have also been some cheese. And a crouton.
So guess who else decided to go to Whole F00ds for dinner last night? The boot camp instructor.
That high I had was totally deflated when he looked at my salad and saw all that crap on there.
He didn't say anything. But I just knew he was thinking "No wonder she's fat, she can't lay off th ranch." It sucked. I felt like crap.
I mean, I doubt he even thinks twice about it and the end of the day, but the problem is, I think about it. I think about it all the time. What does he think? What does she think? What do my colleagues think? What do my friends think?
Who cares, right?
I guess I do.
On some level I know I just need to get over it and deal, but there's also that voice inside of me that really yearns for acceptance. I want people to think of me a certain way. And when I don't take action to make that happen, I feel like crap.
It's hard not to get so wrapped up in what other people think of you when you can't love yourself. So that's what I'm working on. At least I'm at boot camp. At least I'm getting a salad. I'm taking steps. And doing the best I can.