Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Self Esteem

Wowzer. Tonight at boot camp we ran the capitol stairs. Up and down and around and around. Oh yeah of course first we had to run to the capitol (about a mile from the boot camp). The we got to the stairs. He had us do triangle formations and other nonsense but basically, it was running up and down the stairs.

It was hardcore. I thought I was going to puke. But I felt so amazing afterward. Absolutely incredible. It's awesome what a hard workout can do for your self esteem.

My sister and I went to get a salad at Whole paycheck after bootcamp tonight. I put ranch on mine. I felt like I deserved some ranch. There may have also been some cheese. And a crouton.

So guess who else decided to go to Whole F00ds for dinner last night? The boot camp instructor.

Of course.

That high I had was totally deflated when he looked at my salad and saw all that crap on there.
He didn't say anything. But I just knew he was thinking "No wonder she's fat, she can't lay off th ranch." It sucked. I felt like crap.

I mean, I doubt he even thinks twice about it and the end of the day, but the problem is, I think about it. I think about it all the time. What does he think? What does she think? What do my colleagues think? What do my friends think?

Who cares, right?

I guess I do.

On some level I know I just need to get over it and deal, but there's also that voice inside of me that really yearns for acceptance. I want people to think of me a certain way. And when I don't take action to make that happen, I feel like crap.

It's hard not to get so wrapped up in what other people think of you when you can't love yourself. So that's what I'm working on. At least I'm at boot camp. At least I'm getting a salad. I'm taking steps. And doing the best I can.


jodi said...

i think you're doing an amazing job, so a bit of ranch dressing on your salad is allowed... i know its hard not to care about what others think but YOU are making the decisions for yourself, not them... maybe he was thinking, "wow, what a great looking salad she's got there"... :-)

K said...

Ah, but you don't know what he was eating, do you?

Running up and down stairs is hardcore. You earned that dressing. Sometimes you are allowed a treat, so long as it is a treat and not an everyday thing. I have no idea what ranch dressing is, but cheese has protein! It's not like you'd coated your salad in sugar or something.

I hope you feel better by now, anyway...

Kim said...

YOU are doing AMAZING!!!!

Lynne said...

I totally get this post! Sometimes I feel so empowered and proud of myself and then other times I feel awkward in my own skin because I'm afraid that others are constantly aware of my size/shape/body. It's hard for me to admit that I wonder so much about what other people think of me but it's comforting to read that other people experience the same thing.

Also, I didn't get a chance to say it yet so I'll take the time now- you totally rock! I am so impressed at the boot camp thing, I really am proud of you! Keep up the good work, you're an inspiration!

PearShapedGirl said...

Aw, Jeni, I feel bad that you were in that awkward situation with your instructor. I would have felt the exact same way! That's what's so hard about being overweight, everyone can physically see our problems. Other people have issues, tons of issues, but they aren't necessarily physically apparent. I totally understand your need for acceptance, I think we all yearn for it on some level. Just keep up the great work and don't give up now. You've come a long way, but you're still a work in progress.

Take care,

Nicole said...

Don't beat yourself up. You have to treat yourself sometimes, and you worked hard climbing those steps. If you constantly deprive yourself then you are just asking to binge. Endulge, in little amounts!

Whole paycheck, that is pretty funny! And VERY true.

K said...

Are you OK? I hope you haven't disappeared...