Sunday, October 23, 2005


Things aren't going so well with my eating right now. I gained 2 lbs this week, putting me all the way at 189. I keep making plans and setting goals but I'm not even coming close to sticking to them. I'm getting to the point where I think there really is something subconscious going on with me.

I hear this all the time from other weight loss bloggers, that there's some reason or other why they can't lose weight. And those things are all completely valid. I just never thought I had one. My mom, dad, and sister are all overweight. I just thought I grew up with bad eating habits and I never could get rid of them.

I'm just not sure if that's the case anymore though. I keep setting these goals of doing things I know I can do because I've done them before, but then not an hour later I'm stuffing my face with mini candy bars. And I'm thinking "I shouldn't be doing this" but I'm doing it anyway. It's like some higher power just takes over and I can't compete.

Maybe it's something in my subconscious that wants me to stay this way. Maybe I'm afraid people won't like me in my skinny body. Or that I'll be more appealing to other men and I'm scared of what could happen if people think I'm pretty. Or that I'll still be unhappy but I won't have anything to blame it on. I don't really know.

I know I have a good life. I'm completely in love with the boy. Every day he makes me smile. I have the best dogger in the world and he's practically like my child. I'm close to my family; I see my sisters all the time and I know what's going on in their lives. I have close friends that I know care about me.

But sometimes that's just not enough. And I don't know if anything ever will be. Maybe I'm just destined to always want more. I need to get it together in a number of ways right now. And first that means getting my eating in check.

I'm not going to set goals here right now, because I've done that before and it hasn't happened. Instead I'm just going to do the best I can. And go to the grocery store.

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