Sunday, October 30, 2005

Darkness Falling

It's getting dark already. I can't believe it. It's not even 5 yet. I guess that's how it happens with the time change. It's okay though, I'm feeling good about the things I've accomplished today. I cleaned up the house, did some laundry, and had lunch with the boy.

I also went shopping and spent way too much money on new workout clothes, but it motivated me and I did 50 minutes on the treadmill and burned an obscene amount of calories. Which is good because I have not been doing well with the Halloween candy. I guess it should be expected but still it's annoying. My weakness for sugar is impossible to reign in . Eh.

I didn't lose again this week. Holding steady at 189 and it just isn't bothering me as much as it should be. I've heard from two people this week that I'm looking slim, so maybe the working out is changing my body shape, but just not the number on the scale. Or maybe those people are crazy. Either way it's nice to hear.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Biggest Loser

Today went well, although I had to forgo the gym due to soreness from swimming and the need to go buy the dogger a Halloween costume. He's being SuperDog and he is seriously cute. I'll try to post a picture next week if I ever get access to a digital camera and if I can figure out how.

So I'm watching The Biggest Loser right now. I can't decide what I think about it. I'm strangely fascinated by the show. But I also think its just depressing. For a number of reasons. But mostly because of the spectacle it makes. I still love it though.

Suzy, on the show, weighed in at 182 today. That's seven pounds less than I weigh right now. I don't know how tall she is. I doubt she's 5'6". It's weird to see someone on TV who's around the same size as I am though. I think I'm so used to seeing these teeny thin women it just surprises me to see someone who looks similar to me. I think she's pretty. But she's definitely still overweight. Maybe that's how I look? I don't know. I guess I don't really have a point here. Just that it's weird.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Swimming Along

Literally. I went swimming tonight. Probably the first time in about 6 months I've been swimming. And I can tell you right now my arms are going to be feeling it tomorrow. And my legs. In fact my whole body will be feeling it. I think even my brain will be feeling it.

So my swimming experience:

When I arrived it was fairly crowded, so I had to share a lane with a buff man in a tiny little swimsuit. I smirked to myself and then realized he was probably gaping at the whale who just took over his lane, so then of course I felt bad about the smirk. But those little swimsuits. They're just so. Little. And okay I know I'm not a whale and I should really be practicing positive self talk, but the whale metaphor is just so appropriate with the pool and what not. Anywho, so I get in the pool and realize I have no idea what I should do. There's a workout posted on the whiteboard in the pool area, so I decide to give that a shot.

I start swimming. I'm doing okay, not moving too quickly but definitely getting my heart rate up. Things are going quite well. But swimming is hard people, especially when you haven't done it in a long time. After about 40 minutes I had only made it through half of the workout and by the way my arms and legs were flailing about I decided it was probably time to get out. So I didn't make it through the whole workout (and who knows who that workout was for anyway, it could have been the Olympic swim team for all I know), but at least I tried.

And it feels so good to change up the workout a little, use different muscles and really feel my body working. I think I'll try to swim more often.

So now I'm completely exhausted from my swim, and this coupled with the fact that I've drastically lowered my calories in order to actually lose some weight for once and the fact that I haven't been sleeping well means I'll be going to bed at around 9:00 p.m. tonight. I'm such a party animal.

I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of nights because the boy is out of town and apparently the dogger thinks he needs to be extra vigilant about noises that go bump in the night. The little guy only weighs about 8 lbs and he sleeps in bed with me. So imagine some typical noises happening at 2 in the morning, he races off of the bed and practically breaks his little legs because he's moving so fast in order to go bark his head off at the phantom at the door. This of course freaks me out, because I think well what if there actually is someone at the door?

I can't open the door to check if someone is at the door, because if there is someone at the door he might come in and kill me. I have no peephole to see if someone is at the door, so instead I lay in bed awake, fretting for hours as to whether someone is actually at the door or not. Last night I just sucked it up, got a kitchen knife and the phone, and peeked my head out the door. Of course all I saw was an empty hallway.

So tonight I'm crossing my fingers that there will be no barking at the door. Hopefully I will get some sleep and be refreshed for my Tuesday. I've planned the following meals:

High fiber cereal with fat free milk (4)

Turkey sandwich on wheat (5)
banana (2)
Pudding Cup (1)

Snack (if needed)
Granola bar (2)

South Beach Diet Frozen Pizza (6)
Ranch Dressing (2)

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Damn Blogger

Ugh! I just finished writing this whole post about goals and planning and how I'm setting goals and trying to plan but nothing is working. And it was deep. I'm telling you it was seriously deep and I just don't know if I can rewrite the whole thing.

Basically it comes down to the fact that I keep talking about all of the things I'm going to do but I'm not doing them. Instead I'm gaining weight. I'm eating mini candy bars. I'm drinking too much wine. And this is all killing me.

I'm not sure if it's something going on with my subconscious, or if it's that I just lack motivation and willpower.

Actually that's a lie. I know it's something more than just the fact that I like chocolate. For some reason I'm terrified to keep going with this whole weight loss thing. I think I'm just scared that once I'm skinny, I won't be happy, and then what am I going to blame everything on? I won't be able to blame it on the fat anymore, and that terrifies me. I need to get things together. I need to quit setting goals and then not sticking to them.

I need to eat right. I need to consider what I want for myself over the long term. Things are hard right now. And I'm not sure how to fix that.


Things aren't going so well with my eating right now. I gained 2 lbs this week, putting me all the way at 189. I keep making plans and setting goals but I'm not even coming close to sticking to them. I'm getting to the point where I think there really is something subconscious going on with me.

I hear this all the time from other weight loss bloggers, that there's some reason or other why they can't lose weight. And those things are all completely valid. I just never thought I had one. My mom, dad, and sister are all overweight. I just thought I grew up with bad eating habits and I never could get rid of them.

I'm just not sure if that's the case anymore though. I keep setting these goals of doing things I know I can do because I've done them before, but then not an hour later I'm stuffing my face with mini candy bars. And I'm thinking "I shouldn't be doing this" but I'm doing it anyway. It's like some higher power just takes over and I can't compete.

Maybe it's something in my subconscious that wants me to stay this way. Maybe I'm afraid people won't like me in my skinny body. Or that I'll be more appealing to other men and I'm scared of what could happen if people think I'm pretty. Or that I'll still be unhappy but I won't have anything to blame it on. I don't really know.

I know I have a good life. I'm completely in love with the boy. Every day he makes me smile. I have the best dogger in the world and he's practically like my child. I'm close to my family; I see my sisters all the time and I know what's going on in their lives. I have close friends that I know care about me.

But sometimes that's just not enough. And I don't know if anything ever will be. Maybe I'm just destined to always want more. I need to get it together in a number of ways right now. And first that means getting my eating in check.

I'm not going to set goals here right now, because I've done that before and it hasn't happened. Instead I'm just going to do the best I can. And go to the grocery store.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

They Came!

Okay I have to make this quick because I have to go to work, but I just wanted to let you all know that everyone showed and a good time was had by all. I don't know why I get so nervous about these things, because they usually work out fine, but I guess that's just who I am.

Off to work today where I'm going to make a major effort to avoid sugar all day. Then I'm heading to the gym, where I think I'll take a class or some sort. I need to check and see what they're offering today, but a class always puts me straight. Have a great day everyone!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Freak Out

Mini freak out going on here. I'm having six girls over for dinner and none of them are here yet. And I cooked! I hate cooking. Why aren't they here? OMG if no one shows I'm going to be really sad. I'll probably sit here and eat all of this food. No I won't . I'll update later and let you know if anyone showed.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Sometimes it's about vanity

So I made a plan. And you might be wondering if I stuck to it. I didn't.

Unfortunately I just plain failed to meet my goals last week. I only went to the gym three times. I didn't get my veggies in most days. And I ate too much sugar.

But I am doing better. I'm under flex points for the week and I made it through the weekend alive. I rode my bike 25 miles on Saturday. I took a yoga class tonight. So I feel like I'm on my way back to hitting those goals. The veggie thing is hard. So is the sugar thing. But that's why they are goals. If they were easy I wouldn't even be talking about them.

So I'm going to keep trying to push these things.

On another note, I'm still not engaged. Believe me Internet, you'll be at least the 20th to know if I am. Work is really busy and filled with lots of tiny women who eat tons of food and don't worry about their weight at all. It's depressing. I guess I get some satisfaction out of the fact that I'm more athletic than most of the women there, but then I get sad again when it's Friday jeans day and they all show up in the cutest little outfits. I'm so petty, I know. But sometimes it's about health. And sometimes it's about vanity. So I'm still pushing. I will lose this weight at some point.

I'm so behind on all of my favorite blogs, so I now plan to use the evening to catch up. I miss you guys!

Monday, October 10, 2005

On Waiting and Not Waiting

I'm finally home after being in Albany all weekend. A good friend got married. The weather was awful, but the wedding was beautiful. The bride looked gorgeous. And it made me think about my wedding. A lot. I'm not yet engaged. But the boy and I have talked about it a lot. And I think it will be happening sooner rather than later. I love him very much and can't imagine spending a day without him.

So I'm thinking that within a year or maybe two at the most, I'll be participating in the whole white dress ritual. It's a milestone in anyone's life, and when I look back on it, I don't want to wish I had lost more weight. I don't want to see those pictures and cringe because I'm fat. These past few months, I haven't really been doing much as far as losing weight goes. I've been working out a lot, yes. But I've also been eating pretty much whatever I want.

I think in the back of my mind I've been waiting to get engaged. I guess I'm thinking once I'm engaged, I'll put my weight loss into high gear. Because I'll have something to shoot for. But you know what? I seriously doubt that will make that much difference. I need to start now. I can't wait until I get engaged. Because I really don't know when that's going to happen. And in the meantime I could gain another 20 lbs. And I just don't want to do that. I want this weight off. Not later. Now.

I have goals. I want to be at 175 by Christmas. I think I can do this.

Over the next 11 weeks, weeks that include Halloween and Thanksgiving, I will be accomplishing the following things:

Work out 4-6 times a week. These workouts will be tough. No wimpy workouts. Wimpy workouts don't produce results.

Eat at least 3 servings of veggies a day. I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it is. My body needs these nutrients.

Eat significantly less sugar. I will not deprive myself, but I will not give in to my dessert habit every day. I do not need a popsicle after dinner every night. I can have a low calorie dessert three nights a week. That is all.

I think if I do these three things and focus on sticking to my points, I should be able to make my goal of 175 by Christmas, and hopefully surpass it. Wish me luck!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I'm back!

I've been slacking on posting. So sorry. Mostly because I've been so busy with work, life, etc.., but partly because I'm sucking it up at this whole weight loss thing. Or if I'm being really honest, this whole weight gain thing. I'm back up to 187.5. Not horrible, but it sucks considering I've been stagnant for about the past 3 months. I've done a lot of exercising, but a lot of eating too. I basically have nothing to show for this blog. It shouldn't really even be considered a weight loss blog at all. It's more of a "Jeni blathering" blog.

That's okay though. I'm not killing myself over this. I'm still progressing and working toward achieving my fitness goals. This weekend we went to the boy's parents house in Dillon (up in the mountains for you non-Coloradans.) I wish I could post pictures, but alas, no digital camera. It was absolutely beautiful though. Leaves were changing, the sun was out, the air was crisp. It was a perfect fall weekend.

We rode 45 miles yesterday. It was awesome. We did a loop around Lake Dillon, then went and did the ride to Breckenridge. We stopped there and had a yummy tuna sandwich for lunch, then came home the same way we started. It was hard. There were hills. Lots of hills. We were in the mountains. And I won't lie. I almost started crying on one big hill.

But I made it without having to be carried home. And I'm so proud of that. I would have never imagined myself riding my bike from Dillon to Breckenridge. But now it's something I can't wait to to do again. In fact I'm looking to do Vail Pass. One thing is for sure though, the altitude really got to me. After the first mile I was seriously winded. Granted that was up a fairly steep incline, but still. It was the first mile.

Even having lived in Denver for years, I was still winded. I guess there's a reason why elite athletes train at high altitudes. 5,280 feet is one thing. But 10,000 is another altogether.

In other news, I'm taking the plunge and joining a fancy gym this week. I can barely afford it, but I'm thinking if I put my money there maybe it won't go to high calorie dinners, etc... I did a trial run of the gym last week, and I'm in love. It's got a pool. And a sauna. And cardio chisel classes. And a pilates studio. It's beautiful. And I'm going to get my money's worth damn it. I've decided to do the triathlon next summer. So treadmill and pool, here I come.

Now if I could only hire a personal chef. Then all would be right with the world. :)