Ha, the 9:30 bedtime is SO not happening this week. Who am I kidding? I just can't do it. It's 9:20 right now and I'm just not ready. I think part of it is that I don't get home from the gym until around 7:30 on most nights, and two hours just isn't enough time for me to wind down and eat dinner and read blogs and write a post and take the dogger on a walk and do all of the things I want to do. Damn work. If I didn't have to go then I wouldn't have to worry about all of this.
I had a long conversation tonight with my sister about food and weight loss and working out and how hard and long and trying and sucky it all is. The boy and I are thinking about having the wedding in November. Or maybe even September. If we have it toward the end of September, that gives us seven months to lose weight. (My sister will be my maid of honor, she's also about 50 lbs overweight).
Seven months seems like nothing. I read bloggers out there, and I know they've lost a ton of weight during seven months, or even six months or less than that, but I think back over my past seven months and the seven months before that and before that, and I haven't really lost a bit. I've been trying; I've even been ocassionally obsessed. But for some reaosn nothing has ever clicked for me. This is the year I want it to click. I want to look back at my wedding photos and smile, not cringe. I want to wear a cute dress to the wedding shower. I am vain dammit. I want to look HOT in a bikini on my honeymoon.
Sometimes I just feel so dejected about it all, like it's never going to happen. Then I get pissed, and I think I shouldn't have ever gotten this way in the first place. Then I think I carry my weight well. I'm in a US size 14. Some days I think thats okay. Some days I think I'm a giant cow and I should be ashamed of myself. Some days I think my body is strong and powerful. Some days I think it's soft and flabby (not to mention pale).
So what am I going to do about all of this? I'm going to keep pushing and really try to lose this weight before my wedding. I'm going to keep working out and try to complete a triathlon. I'm going to keep thinking about it and writing about it and reading about it and I'm going to accept this is going to be part of my life forever. This battle has become part of who I am. It by no means defines me. And sometimes its awesome. And sometimes it sucks. But it is a part of me.