Saturday, June 03, 2006

On Blogland

Hey hey hey. Okay so I've been on a blog-reading tear lately and adding a zillion new blogs to my RSS feeds. I love hearing about everyone's successes. Here's a problem though, I think all this reading is having both positive and negative effects. The positive effects are of course that I'm inspired and get excited for people. I don't have tons of BFFs in blogland, but I do have some people who I feel I've really connected with - even if it is just through comment boxes. :)

The negative effects are that I simply am not doing as well as a lot of the people out there, and it makes me sad. I see some of you who have literally lost 15 pounds in the past 6 weeks (made that up, but you get the idea) and what have I done in the past six weeks? Gained two lbs. Lame. It makes me sad that I suck so much that I can't actually lose this weight. The thing is, I know I can lose this weight. I've lost weight before and I've got all the tools I need to do it again.

I was looking back over my geeky spreadsheets from the past few years this morning and I just got so pissed about it. In October of 2004 I was down to 171. That was the lowest weight I'd seen in I don't know how long. The date that was recorded was October 28. Right before Halloween. Then it just starts going up. Goes up for 2 months, back down a little in January when I'm sure I made some New Year's resolutions, and then back up. And down. And up. And down. And on and on and on. What have I done to my body? To my brain even? I have been fucking with myself for so long that I don't know which way is up anymore. Literally.

Anyway, I'm pissed about all this and I'm pissed that I can't be like other bloggers out there who are kicking such ass right now. I want to kick ass dammit. Whine whine whine. Okay I think it's all out and I'm going to quit whining now. The good news is I feel like I'm really back on track now. I guess I'm just scared that I'm saying that and I've said it before and we've all seen what's happened before.

This week has been good though. As of this morning I was down 2 lbs, and I still have until Tuesday for my actual weigh-in. I've spent over 6 hours working out this week. Yesterday the trainer was having me do sprints and I kept having to slow down because my pants were falling down. (I think they've always been a little too big though, so I'm not really counting that yet until I see my measurements.) Last night the boy and I went to dinner, and although we did order dessert, I didn't eat more than 4 bites. It just wasn't that good. It wasn't worth it. I also had some delicious halibut instead of ordering a heavy pasta.

This post is completely random and I'm sure you all think I'm completely bipolar, but I guess I just need to talk myself into thinking that things are okay. Actually believing that things are okay. It's like I said before, "fake it till you make it." Okay actually I never said those exact words, but I wanted to say them, I just couldn't remember them.

This afternoon we're going to look at houses with our realtor, so keep your fingers crossed that we find something. We have literally looked at one million houses and just can't find something we like, so I hope today is the day. I want a backyard! I want to run and play with the dogger in my new backyard! Don't get me wrong, I love my condo, but I think it's just time for us to do the domestic thing and have a real house. Fun. Have an excellent Saturday!

4 comments:

Lynne said...

Hey jeni,
I have felt like this a million times! I'll fight for weeks over the same pound while others are melting off two to three pounds a week! But I think this is just part of the journey, recently I have gotten my butt into gear and it's been great but I know that there's still bumps in the road ahead. I think you just take it one day at a time and keep pushing forward and eventually you'll be amazed at how far you've come! Good luck girl, you can do this!

christie said...

Hey Jeni, thanks for commenting on my blog. I know how you feel... it's easy to get down on yourself when you are comparing yourself to others. I feel that way a lot to. But you just have to turn it into motivation to do better! Plus I've tried to teach myself that instead of focusing on the pounds, focus on the habits. If I spent all week eating healthy and working out, then even if I gained 2 pounds I'm going to call it a successful week. There's no point fretting over why other pepople seem to lose faster or don't have to work as hard. Just do what you know is best for you and focuse on that, and eventually you will get where you want to be.

Where exactly do you live? I'm in Broomfield ... I was going to suggest we be workout buddies until I read that you run, and so I'm assuming your fitness level is far above mine.

Julie said...

Hi Jeni! I live near Christie (I came over from her blog), and I know what you mean about frustration. I've been working out with (and paying for) a personal trainer for eight months, and I've lost just over 10 pounds. Any loss is a good loss, but... I just can't seem to lose as much as everyone else. But I *have* been to the pants-falling-down place, when my trainer made me do sprints on the basketball court. I finally bought new pants, but I told myself I had just stretched out the old ones or something since I'm not convinced my body has changed that much. Anyway... keep on truckin'!

Nicole said...

I think you should be really proud of ANY loss that you see. Losing weight is really tough, and the important thing is that you rae going in the right direction (downward rather than upwards). Keep at it! I'm a new reader to your blog but I plan to keep reading...it will help motivate me!