But maybe not in a good way. In the past, I've always said that when I become truly "obsessed" with weight loss is when I do my very best. I'm focused, I plan, and usually I succeed. But the boy and I had a long conversation last night, and he reminded me that this struggle with my weight is not the only thing that defines me. Somehow I've been letting it go like that, but it shouldn't. I mean, for the past I don't know how many years, I've been trying to lose weight. In the past eight months or so, I've really been focused on it.
And I've been doing a good job - I'm losing and my fitness levels are increasing. But sometimes, it's all I think about. What do I weigh today? How many calories have I eaten today? How many calories have I burned today? And sometimes its all I talk about. And when I'm stressed out or upset about my weight, it translates into other parts of my life. I'm always trying to do something to change my body, and when it doesn't go the way I want, I get upset. So I lash out at those around me when all they are trying to do is help.
So last night, the boy reminded me that my weight isn't the only thing that people notice when they look at me. They notice my creativity, and my sense of humor, and my drive, and my honesty. They notice that my hair is really straight and soft. They notice a lot of things, and one of those things might be my weight, but it might not be either. The problem is, I don't notice those things.
Some days its seems that I've forgotten all of the parts of myself that I love, because I'm so focused on those parts of myself that I want to change. I need to get back to loving my entire self, and knowing that I'm so much more than just someone who wants to lose weight. Yes, that's a huge part of me, and I'm not giving it up, but maybe I shouldn't be so obsessed some days.