Tuesday, August 29, 2006

High School

So - things are good, pretty much going according to plan. Jennifer asked about my calorie levels, and I've been tracking them on sparkpeople. It turns out I've eaten right around 1450 calories for the past two days, which I think is pretty good. I've eaten on plan except for lunch today, where I ended up going out for a work lunch and had a taco salad without the shell. Pretty much lettuce, beans, salsa, chicken and sour cream. Not perfect, but I'm okay with it. Oh I've also been having some WW ice cream treats after dinner. Because I can!

So this morning I did my high intensity cardio (basically sprints) at the elementary school down the street where I usually do it. Only usually, there aren't any kids. Well I guess school started because today, there were kids. It was about 6:15 or so, and there were kids! Seriously what the eff time do they make kids go to school these days?

The kids weren't the elementary students, but I think high school and middle school age, and they were waiting for the bus. During the time I was running on the basketball court (about 30 minutes total), I think I saw four different buses come by and pick up a different cluster of kids. At various times mini vans or other random cars would pull up, and more kids would jump out and wait for the bus.

Now I live pretty much in the heart of Denver, in a neighborhood with probably not the best schools. I don't plan on kids for a while, so I don't really know about the details, but it appears they have some sort of crazy bus system going on that makes parents have to actually drive their kids to the bus stop, where the kids then get on the bus and go wherever they are bused to. At 6:15 a.m.! When I was in high school, 1st period started at 7:25 a.m. Could it be that it is taking an hour for these buses to get to where they are going? Eek! I'm not going to get into some debate about busing because I'm not informed enough to have an opinion, but what I will tell you is that high school kids can still make me squirm.

And I haven't been in high school for almost ten years!

I mean, running up and down that basketball court, I just felt like they were watching me, judging me. Most likely they couldn't give two shits about the chubby 20-something running around their bus stop, but still, it felt weird. How sad is it that I am still so insecure that some silly kids can make me question my healthy habits? I have GOT to get some confidence going here. COME ON!

At least I got my cardio in for the morning, and I guess I'll just have to deal with the kids whenever I want to do my high intensity moving forward. I think as the season starts to change and it starts to get cold and snowy, I'll have to move it to the gym, but for now, it's just me and the high school kids. :)

Sunday, August 27, 2006

This Week

So I realized after all the drama lama I've been writing about I still want to get down to the nitty gritty of how I expect to lose weight this week. One of my good friends is getting married this weekend so I expect Saturday will be a wash, and of course I was hoping to see 170 by that day, but that means I'd have to lose 4.5 lbs in six days and I don't think that's going to happen. SO... I'm just going to aim for a 2 lb loss this week.

To do that, I'm going to...

Breakfast - oatmeal and spinach
Lunch - turkey sandwich, spinach, yogurt
Snack - apple and protien shake
Workout - Run 2 laps around Sloan's Lake (appx. 5.2 miles)
Dinner - Whole wheat angel hair pasta w/ veggies

Workout - 20 minute intervals at elementary school basketball court
Breakfast - cereal and spinach
Lunch - Lean Cuisine, salad
Snack - Luna Bar and apple
Workout - Weights w/ the trainer
Dinner - eggs w/ sauteed veggies in low carb tortilla wrap

Workout - spinning
Breakfast (at work) - oatmeal
Lunch - work lunch (make a good choice)
Snack - Luna Bar and apple
Dinner - with the girl's (make a good choice)

Workout - 20 minute intervals at elemetary school
Breakfast - cereal and spinach
Lunch - work lunch (make a good choice)
Snack - Luna bar and apple
Workout - weights
Dinner - boca chili w/ lf cheese

Workout - 40 minute run
Breakfast - cereal and spinach
Lunch - turkey sandwich
Snack - luna bar and apple
Dinner - somewhere in Vail, where the wedding is (make a good choice)

Okay that's the plan. I can do this...

More Obsession Discussion

So I think I'm back to my cynical but fairly happy self. I don't know what's been going on with me the past couple of weeks, maybe stress, but I've been so down on myself and in bitch mode with everyone else. That needs to stop. This weekend has been better, but I'm certainly not perfect.

So I'm counting a 1.5 loss this week, even though that was actually my Wednesday weigh in, not Thursday. I don't care though, that's what I'm calling it. I can if I want nyah nyah nyah. My workouts haven't been perfect and neither has my eating, but good enough I think in order to keep my somewhat sane. I can't be obsessing about this stuff day in and day out or else I'm just going to fall into some black hole and never come out.

Have you guys ever heard of orthorexia? It's basically being obsessed with eating healthy food. I don't think I have it, especially considering the four handfuls of jelly beans I ate last night, and honestly I think I'm too emotionally connected to comfort foods to ever develop it, but I think it's interesting nonetheless. It isn't anorexia, because it isn't being obsessed with being fat, but really it's just being obsessed with those foods you put in your mouth. And making sure they are healthy foods.

Like I said, I definitely don't have it, but I can relate to people who do have it. And I know a lot of us out there in fatblogland probably can. Do I ever go a day without thinking and planning and fearing food? No way. I mean, whether it's a work lunch or pizza on girl's night, I'm constantly worrying about whether or not I should eat this or that and how it will affect my weight loss or weight gain. Some days I think it's great, because it's that planning that really contributes to my success with weight loss. But some days I just wish I could be normal and not berate myself for eating a piece of cake at a birthday party.

I know this is rehashing old material for me and you guys are probably sick of reading about it, but it's just a constant annoyance for me. I'm always thinking: Why can't I be normal? The weird thing is though, I think I am kind of normal. I think a lot of people, skinny and fat alike, feel this way about food. It's so weird to have this love/hate relationship with something that you absolutely must rely on or else you'll die.

Anyway, I'm okay with it all right now, but I'm just finding it important to be aware of my feelings about food at all times right now. Being aware and writing about it is what's keeping me sane right now. And I'm still logging my food and working out and and working on being healthy. And as long as I do that I think I'll be cool. Right?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Obsessed Again

But maybe not in a good way. In the past, I've always said that when I become truly "obsessed" with weight loss is when I do my very best. I'm focused, I plan, and usually I succeed. But the boy and I had a long conversation last night, and he reminded me that this struggle with my weight is not the only thing that defines me. Somehow I've been letting it go like that, but it shouldn't. I mean, for the past I don't know how many years, I've been trying to lose weight. In the past eight months or so, I've really been focused on it.

And I've been doing a good job - I'm losing and my fitness levels are increasing. But sometimes, it's all I think about. What do I weigh today? How many calories have I eaten today? How many calories have I burned today? And sometimes its all I talk about. And when I'm stressed out or upset about my weight, it translates into other parts of my life. I'm always trying to do something to change my body, and when it doesn't go the way I want, I get upset. So I lash out at those around me when all they are trying to do is help.

So last night, the boy reminded me that my weight isn't the only thing that people notice when they look at me. They notice my creativity, and my sense of humor, and my drive, and my honesty. They notice that my hair is really straight and soft. They notice a lot of things, and one of those things might be my weight, but it might not be either. The problem is, I don't notice those things.

Some days its seems that I've forgotten all of the parts of myself that I love, because I'm so focused on those parts of myself that I want to change. I need to get back to loving my entire self, and knowing that I'm so much more than just someone who wants to lose weight. Yes, that's a huge part of me, and I'm not giving it up, but maybe I shouldn't be so obsessed some days.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Worst Week Ever

Argh! Can I just complain for a minute? This week has completely sucked. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and I'm not happy. I think it all started when I got wasted at my friend's bachelorette party last weekend, which led to eating massive amounts of crap. I got back on the wagon on Monday and my eating has been fine since then, but I just can't seem to recover physically. Or mentally for that matter.

So wedding planning and buying a house and working full time and trying to lose weight and take care of a little dogger and trying to be a nice happy fiance just doesn't seem to work all at once right now. This has taught me that I'm not the person I was in college; I can't feed my body alcohol and processed carbs and all around crap if I want to try and function for the week ahead. So no more binge drinking. Or binge eating. It's just stupid and pointless and it makes me feel like shit. I mean I know it was a bachelorette party, but still. Ridic.

I also think the stress of the wedding is sort of getting to me. I cannot tell you how excited I am to marry this man, but with less than two months to go, I'm just scared. I'm scared to get up in front of all of those people in a big white dress. I'm scared I won't get all of the things done I need to get done. I'm scared that I'm changing my name. I want to change my name but it's still weird and scary. I'm scared that I have to be an adult now since I'll be married and have a job and own a house. It's just a lot to deal with sometimes and I think this week it's all just sort of hit at once. I mean we've only been in this house for two weeks now, and there is still so much to do. But a girl can only buy a new hose and look at tuxedos and think about bridesmaids shoes and celebrate so many birthdays in a week. Ya know?

I think I'll use this weekend to recharge. I'm going to bed early tonight, and then I'm going to get up and go see the trainer in the morning. After work I think I'm either going to go get a manicure or just come home and chillax. Yes it's Friday night, but honestly all I want to do is chill out. I want to chill out and sleep late on Saturday and then go to my shower and have a really great time and enjoy all the people around me. I hope it works.

Also, since Saturday will mark exactly 8 weeks until my wedding, I'm thinking about trying to ratchet it up a notch. I'm not exactly sure what that entails, but if anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. I was thinking of doing a cleanse or something, but I think that might put too much stress on my body. And then I was thinking maybe I'll just go hardcore and totally eliminate all white flour and sugar, but I'm not sure if I should try to do that or just increase my workouts or what I should do. I know the one thing I shouldn't do is stress about it. I'm just going to try to be as healthy as I can be and hopefully the weight will come off. Gah.

Monday, August 14, 2006


Okay so the plan sort of worked. First, I was so tired this morning I did NOT want to get up and run, and I almost hit the snooze button again. So that wouldn't be on the plan though, so I dragged my ass out of bed and went on my run. I still haven't figured out what sort of routes I like in my new neighborhood and exactly what I want to do, but I sort of meandered around all of the blocks around my neighborhood and it was fine. I passed by these two girls with their dogs no less than 3 times, and every time I passed them I sped up a little. I think it's good for me to have people to try to catch up with. It makes me go faster.

Breakfast was good - grape nuts and spinach. Okay so far so good.

Lunch, I was all set to have my Lean Cuisine, but then I realized that I had to go out for a farewell lunch for someone who is leaving my office. So of course we went to the sport's bar down the street, where my typical lunch is a taco salad (usually reserved for special occasions and I keep the portion small, but still, the shell isn't exactly healthy) I made a good decision and ordered it without the shell, cheese, and guac, which basically meant it was beans, lettuce, chicken and salsa. Not bad.

Snacks were on track, and dinner was chicken and veggies on the grill. WW giant cone for dessert. I feel good. I mean, I still had a few bites of the boy's cookie, so I'm not perfect, but at least things are getting back to okay. It's amazing how long the effects of alcohol last. I still feel sort of foggy and icky and I just want to be back to normal. No more drinking for a while. Next Saturday is my shower, and I expect I'll have a few glasses of wine there, but nothing like what I did this weekend. Hopefully I've learned my lesson for a few weeks at least.

So here's something. You know, I expect people to stink at the gym. Some people are clearly a little ripe, and they should probably do something about it, but I won't complain because we all go to the gym to work up a sweat. So fine. You stink at the gym. I'll keep my mouth shut.

But damnit, when I go to the grocery store, where I buy my food, and you stink, I just can't handle it. Who should stink so badly today? No, not some random guy hanging out in the cheese aisle. It's my effing checker! People, he's touching every single piece of food that I am about to purchase, take home and then put in my mouth. And the man clearly hasn't had a shower in about three weeks. Sick! I cannot handle it. I know that my food is wrapped, and the stink can't really rub off, but seriously. It makes me miss my fancy schmancy Cerry Creek grocery store. Oh well I still like my house, and that's the first time I've gone to this grocery store, and other than that everything went well. Sorry, just had to rant for a minute. NOTE - if you work in a store where people buy their food, take a shower! And deoderant! You can steal some and take it in the back and put it on. I doubt your manager will notice. Seriously.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Quick back on track plan

Okay so I've had kind of a fuckup week and weekend, and I didn't lose last week, and if I want to prevent myself from gaining and actually lose this week, I need a plan to get back on track. So this is a boring post, really just a plan for me to make sure I can fit into those (size 32!) jeans I bought this weekend.

Workout: 40 minute run
Breakfast: Grape Nuts, spinach
Lunch: Lean Cuisine, pudding cup
Snack: Apple, protein shake
Dinner: Grilled chicken, low fat risotto, green beans

Rest of the week:
Breakfasts are cereal and spinach
Lunches are lean cuisines, turkey sandwiches or salads
Snacks are fruit and protein shakes
Dinners are chicken and veggies, salads or sandwiches

I'm going to run in the morning so I can go to the grocery store after work and pick up some of the essentials for the week. I'll be okay for food tomorrow, but I need to go after work if I want to make it through the week in a healthy manner.

So quickly, I've fallen off the wagon for a few days, but I'm picking myself back up. The reason I'm picking myself up is because this weekend I went shopping, and I cannot tell you how fabulous it feels to fit into clothes. By no means am I finished, I know I still have a lot of work to do, but damn does it feel good to go into the Lucky store and fit into women's jeans that actually look cute. Woo hoo! Later taters.

Thursday, August 10, 2006


Effing it up the past two days. Weighed in this morning for a maintain. Ate over 1900 calories today, including ice cream twice. Not really the actions of someone doing a good job on the weight loss front. I dunno I guess I just lost my mojo for a minute.

I did do my two workouts today, but they both pretty much sucked so I don't think I burned very many calories. Feh. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. I'm going to try to wake up and run before work, but I'm just so exhausted I don't really know if it's going to happen. I think I have to make it happen though.

After work I'm going to my mom's house and we're going to stuff envelopes. The invitations should be out by next week, and then I guess it's pretty much rolling from there. Wow. It's getting kind of crazy how close it's coming up. I mean, today we got our first wedding present. We were both sort of floored that it was sitting on the doorstep, because we haven't even sent out the invitations yet. I haven't even had a shower yet. How are people already sending us gifts? I guess they are just super on top of things. Works for me!

So yeah, I pretty much feel fat and bloated and sorry for myself right now. Sorry for bitching, but I kind of just wanted to get it out. I'll be back soon enough in a better mood.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Ooh la la, it's the six month anniversary of the day the boy proposed. Does that count for presents? It certainly doesn't count for dinner; I had a tough workout with the trainer tonight and I came home and made black bean quesadilla's on low carb tortillas. Not exactly gourmet. But that's part of my charm, right? ;)

Trainer tonight was good, he weighed me and took my measurements and I'm down almost exactly 20 lbs from when I started with him at the end of December. On the one hand it's kind of sad that it's taken me that long to lose 20 lbs, but on the other hand I'm excited that I've been sticking with it this long and I'm really starting to see progress. Now if I could just lose another 20 before the wedding. Not possible I know, but I'm going to keep trying. I could tell the trainer was pretty excited about it all. I'm his project.

So I'm trying to get back to doing my two-a-days this week, and usually on my morning high intensity days (before weights in the evening) I was doing treadmill intervals. I'd do 3 minutes at about 5, then push it up to 6.8 for a minute, then back down, etc. Now that we're in our new house I don't have access to a treadmill in the morning, and I'm not going to the gym to do just a quick 20 minutes of cardio when it's so nice out, so this morning I had to improvise. I jogged down to the elementary school a few blocks away and ran sprints on the outdoor basketball court.

What? What what what? I ran sprints on the basketball court and no one even told me to? Who am I? Some sort of dedicated athlete? I may not look the part yet, but I certainly feel it. On the way home I sort of felt like I was in a N1ke commercial and I just couldn't get over the things I'm now doing. It's insane when it goes like this. Especially considering I went to see Death Cab last night, (they put on an amazing show by the way) and I wasn't in bed even close to my normal hour. And I had three beers. Not on the plan I know, but it's okay. I'm some sort of fitness demon right now. I still sort of wish I could be magically skinny when I'm in the zone like this, but I guess it just takes time. Lots and lots of time.

On a different note, I heard from an old high school friend via MySpace the other day. It was pretty weird and I'm still getting used to the idea of talking with her. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing from old friends. It's just that I guess she just reminds me of a person I used to be, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be disappointed with the person I've become today if I could have seen the future. I mean, I'm happy, in love, getting married and have a great life. But I used to be so independent, and creative, and action oriented. Now I'm a little more complacent about things. I have a desk job in the corporate world. I shop at Hom3 Depot and eat tuna sandwiches for lunch. I guess I think I'm just kind of boring now. And fat.

I've always been overweight, and now I probably weigh less than I did the last time I saw her (sometime in college). And the kicker is, she probably weighs about 300 lbs. It's not how she sees me though, it's how I see myself. And while I never liked anything about myself in high school, I look back and I liked my sense of purpose, my drive, and my desire. I still have those qualities and like them about myself, but they've been channeled in different directions. At the end of the day I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but it's always strange to be reminded of the past. I suppose a little reflection can't hurt, can it?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

We Have Patio Furniture!

And about a million other things. Sorry I've been so gone so long, we've been without Internet during this move and pretty effing busy to boot. I'm exhausted, but happy. We're finally completely out of the old apartment and in our new house. A real house. We've made it to grown up land I guess. We've been busy trying to figure out how things work around here, but so far everything is going well with the new place. The washer and dryer and dishwasher all seem to work fine. We don't have AC, but other than a few hot afternoons it hasn't really been too bad. I guess they build these old houses to keep cool. Ours was built in 1890! Wow.

Anyway, things are okay on the weight loss front. Last I posted I was worried I wasn't going to lose, and I didn't lose that week, I maintained. Last week I weighed in with a 1.5 loss, so I'm down to 176 now. I'm not sure what week I'm on of the 12 week challenge, but I'm going to figure that out soon and try to see what my progress has been. Obviously I won't have lost 25 lbs like I wanted to, but that's okay. I'm on the downward trend and that is what matters.

Eating has been tough; we had to eat out a lot during the move because we hadn't been grocery shopping and we had packed all of our dishes away, etc. I've been making pretty good choices though, so I feel pretty okay about stuff. We did get a new grill and some patio furniture, so tonight the boy and I attempted our first grilling adventure with chicken and veggie skewers. They were pretty good except I of course didn't even think about seasoning them (why am I so shoddy at cooking?). Needless to say they were bland. And the potatoes didn't get cooked. But eh, what can you do? At least I remembered to soak the skewers so they didn't set on fire!

Last night we went to the sushi restaurant around the corner (awesome, we can walk there!) and I had the vegetarian sushi plate. It was delicious, and I think fairly healthy. I need to figure out just exactly how many calories are in a veggie roll, but I doubt it can be all that many. It's just the rice, right? I also ventured out and had some tuna and some salmon, and both were pretty good. I'm usually very picky about my meat, but I'm working on the sushi thing.

Working out has been okay, but I've dropped my workouts drastically from where they were the week before last. I plan to get back to the 8 workouts a week this week, because this week I only did 4. I do feel okay about it though because of all of the moving and walking up and down the stairs I've been doing. I put on my pedometer today at 1, after a long walk with the dogger and unloading at least three boxes. Even though I missed counting those activities, I've almost got 11,000 steps for the day. So no workout, but I'm definitely moving my body.

I've so missed reading all of your blogs, but I'm finally starting to catch up. I miss you guys!