Body Types

Woo hoo I am sore as a mother today after all of those pushups and squats. Tomorrow is going to be painful. The workout was tough tonight too, as usual. I pushed myself hard tonight because I was sort of pissed about the choice I had made for lunch. Grilled cheese and fries = weight gain, not weight loss. Oh well I guess that's what the flex points are for.

I was looking around at boot camp tonight and the variety of body types there really struck me. Even among those who are really fit, there is such a wide variety. There's the tall skinny guy who can run like the wind and the short, hard-bodied muscle girl who can do 50 pushups no problem. There's me - average height, overweight, but with muscle underneath. There's a girl who probably weighs about 105 pounds. There's a guy who's thin, but is skinny-fat and is working on building muscle. There's apples and oranges and hourglasses and whatever those other names for body types are. Why do we even have those names anyway? Who cares?

But we have one thing in common. We are there, and we're there to work it. Every night. We're there to use our bodies in every possible way. To run and jump and squat and do pushups and push our bodies to the limit. And I think that's what I really like about boot camp. There's no gym bunnies just trying to look hot. Everyone is supremely dedicated and no one is there to judge you (or me). We're there to make the most of our bodies - to use our bodies as the gifts they are. Thinking about what my body can - and will- do just amazes me.

I signed up for the next session of boot camp tonight. I'm stoked.

Bleh

Yowzer I am going to be sore tomorrow. We did 400 squats at boot camp tonight and attempted 400 pushups (some people did it, but I'm not quite that fantastic yet). It seemed impossibly hard, yet I did it. First we did a quick run, then we came back and started alternating pushups/squats. 25 pushups. 25 squats. 10 pushups. 25 squats. 15 pushups. 20 pushups. 25 squats. And on. And on. And on.

It was ridiculous. And I thought I was going to yuke about an hour into class. It's weird, I've worked out really hard before. I've run sprints and done suicides and pushed my heart rate to the max. I've never puked from working out before. There have been times when I thought I was going to, but I never have.

Tonight was different though. My heart rate wasn't that high, because we had rest periods between sets in order to let our muscles relax a little. But that pukey feeling came on strong - probably stronger than I've ever felt before. My theory is that I was using those big muscles - my quads and my pecs, more than I ever have in one sitting and those muscles were dumping something into my system that made me want to barf. Maybe it was lactic acid. Or maybe it was toxins that built up in my body after a day or two of rest. Maybe this is all bullshit and I was nauseous because the apple I ate for a snack was bad or I'm on my period or any number of reasons, but it was gross.

I came home knowing I need protein, but I just couldn't stomach the idea of chicken or cottage cheese or anything like that. I ended up making a smoothie with frozen berries, fat free yogurt and some protein powder. Along with my smoothie I had a piece of wheat bread with peanut butter and honey. Some protein, some fat, and some fast acting carbs to replenish those glycogen stores I lost while working out. Wow, sometimes I can't get over how much I know about exercise and nutrition. You'd think I'd be skinny by now right?

I still don't feel great, but I'm hoping it's nothing a good night's sleep can't fix.

In other news, I loved the Oscars last night. Especially Marky Mark W. Is he a smokin' hot fox or what? He's come a long way since that funky bunch. I was also pleasantly surprised to see that most of the women up there weren't all skin and bones. Just some of them. Could it be that Hollywood is making progress?

Better

It's amazing how the light of day can change your perspective. Waking up this morning I still feel a little twinge of regret for my choices yesterday, but overall I just feel happier and more confident. And it's only been a few hours. There's something about the beginning of the day that just feels fresh - like you have so many options ahead of you. I can do anything I choose with this day.

Today that means I've started with a healthy breakfast and I'm going to make the most of what's left of my weekend. Walk the dogger, hit Whole Foods and maybe go get a new sports bra. Gotta keep the girls supported if this week in boot camp if you know what I mean.

Oh and I want to make a good dinner with chicken and sweet potatoes as two of the main ingredients. I'm going to peruse all of my cookbooks and Cooking Light mags today but if anyone has any ideas, let me know.

Counting

So I sort of forgot how quickly points can add up. The past two days have been hard. Luckily I've been working my ass off at the boot camp so I have lots of activity points to use but still. I'm using the flex points up quickly. Eh, it's cool. I like the counting.

Today was a good day. I felt productive and happy and not like a fat person. Until tonight when I had some of a frozen pizza, and I got back inside my head about food and weight and blah and now I'm just feeling crappy. I mean it's just a frozen pizza and I just had one serving but it makes me feel icky.

So why does losing weight have to be such an all or nothing affair for me? Why can't I ever focus on the good things I've done - like the fact that I worked out for five days this week and I mostly make good choices and I like vegetables and all that other schnozz? Instead I worry so much about the chocolate and pizza and the laziness and the fact that the only way the scale seems to be going is up. It's maddening.

Today I went on a jog around Sloan's Lake. I didn't stop to walk one time. It felt incredible. The wind blowing in my face and the sun over the mountains. It was cold and windy and sunny and it was outside. I love outside. I miss outside. I want February to be over. I want it to be summer again. But then it will be back to the sleeveless tops and I'll have something else to complain about.

Wow

Boot camp is intense. And awesome! I love it. I was in serious pain all of last week, but it's a good pain. So it's Monday through Thursday - an hour and a half each night after work. The first day we did a bunch of tests - how many situps, pushups, jump ups, etc. can you do in two minutes time. Let's just say I have a long way to go. There are people in the camp who have done five and six and seven of these in a row. They are hardcore. One girl has lost seventy pounds (combination of course of diet and exercise).

The cool thing is - everyone is super encouraging. It's a hard core workout no doubt, but you never feel like you can't do it. You just keep on keepin on and then suddenly, it's over. Last week I was so sore. So freaking sore. Thursday was the last day and we did these pushup/pullup things - my pectoral muscles are still sore and its Monday! I took Friday, Saturday and Sunday off - and felt so lazy. I won't be doing that this weekend. Being that active felt so good, and then just to sit for three days felt like it was undoing all of that good. I know my body needed the rest, but still. I've got to keep it moving at least five days a week. So this week it's four of boot camp, then at least one long run/gym trip/spin class or something along those lines.

So with all this working out, I should be buff, right? Unfortunately the food portion of the equation has not been computing. So today I signed up for WW online - a free trial for a week. I've been tracking my calories on and off with Spark People, but it doesn't seem to be helping keep me accountable and I just don't track if I have an off day. That's not really the way it should work, you know?

I've done WW online in the past and done well with it. I've never been to meetings, but tracking points has been a good thing for me in year's past. And with a weeks free trial, tracking points should help keep me accountable when it comes to food. I'm going to see how this week goes and then decide whether or not I want to keep tracking points and whether or not I need to pay $15/month to do that. I'm pretty sure I can do that on my own, but having the tracker might help. And so far, I think I like the new beta version they have. And maybe for once, I'll actually lose weight this week.

So things have not been good. I'm struggling hardcore. I'm bursting into tears at the thought of trying to choose where to go for lunch. I'm overeating , nay binging, and not working out and wallowing in self-pity and overall not dealing with my food issues very well. There's a lot of negative self talk going on here.

Basically, I haven't known what to post here because all I can think to say is how much I suck. I haven't been commenting on your blogs. I haven't been answering emails.

So I've taken drastic measures.

Tomorrow I start a five week boot camp. I'm excited and terrified at the same time and I hope the intense workouts are going to give me the strength I need to confront my issues with food. I'm full of hope really - although I fear I've already fucked it up.

My intention for this weekend was to try to eat right and rest up for what I know is going to be a very intense week. Instead we had a small gathering at our house last night, drank way too much vodka, and nursed a hangover with a ton of crappy food today. I feel like shit. And tomorrow I have to do a fitness test that will gauge how many sit ups and push ups and who knows what else I can do. Great.

Oh well, I guess I have to start somewhere. The camp I joined is one of the easiest they offer, and although I have no delusions about just how difficult it will be, I think I'll find I'm actually in better shape than I think. I hope so at least. I know I've lost a lot of fitness since my wedding, but I'm hoping I can bounce back. And the good news is, my sister and a friend are also doing it, so I hope we can motivate each other and all kick some ass together.

So for the next five weeks, for an hour and a half a night, four nights a week, I'll be running, jumping and getting crazy at boot camp. Wish me luck.

P.S. There is a major problem with the hot tub. We came home the day after we filled it and guess what, no water! Oopsie. Guess there's a crack somewhere. So no worrying about the swimsuit issue for now, although thanks to everyone for all of the advice. :)

Hot Tubbin'

When we bought our house last August, one of the things we were so excited about was the fact that they were leaving a hot tub. It's only a two seater, but still, it's a hot tub. I mean seriously. The previous owners never filled it in the summer, so it wasn't filled when we moved in, and we had so much to do with moving in and the wedding and everything else that we just never got around to it.

In the past couple of weeks though, we've been talking about it and yesterday, even though it was like 20 degrees outside, we decided it was time to get that hot tub in working order. Well, not so easy when you have no clue what you are doing and no manual and etc. We accidentally broke off some plastic piece and it got sucked inside somewhere and now it's making a ton of noise, but at least it started heating up. It's not ready quite yet, but I'm getting excited that we're going to have a hot tub at our disposal.

I mean, what better after a hard workout than to slip in the hot tub for a nice soak, right? The only thing about the hot tub though, is that I know we're going to have friends who want to get in. And that means being in a swimsuit. In front of people.

I've finally figured out that I can do a swimsuit in front of my husband, because he loves me and apparently he even likes seeing me naked. Who knew?

But other people are a different story. I know I don't look good in a swimsuit. And I'm sure other people know that too. So why would we want to confirm it for them? Then again, I don't want to live my life in fear of what other people think about how I look. I've always been a big proponent of dressing right for your body type, meaning I don't think girls with big bellies should expose the midriff. Not that I would do that mind you, I of course have a tasteful tankini or one piece. But still, I'm no swimsuit model.

So I guess I'm sort of conflicted about what to think of it. Do you wear a swimsuit in front of your friends, even if you aren't completely comfortable with your body? Is anyone completely comfortable with their body? I don't know.

I'm thinking I'm just going to have to get over it. Or else hide the fact that the hot tub has been filled forever. We shall see.

Knowledge

First, a woo hoo carrots post to help keep me accountable.

I'm calling today a success. For the most part at least. Didn't make it to the gym AGAIN but with work the way it is right now I'm okay with it.

I did keep my calories fairly low today, even with a Red Bull to keep me going, so I feel good about that. And I cooked tonight even with the boy out of town, so I feel really good about that.

So this girl in my office is getting married in July and she started dieting and the process she's going through has really opened my eyes. She is so new to everything and she's really struggling to learn how to eat right and what good choices are. For her whole life, she's eaten a typical American diet. Lots of meat and potatoes and fast food and very few fruits and veggies.

We had a lunch at a certain chain Italian restaurant the other day, and she chose cheese ravioli for lunch. I chose a low fat pasta dish, which wasn't great because of all the carbs, but at least it was low fat. We started discussing the amount of calories in this and that and we told her she probably didn't want to know how many calories were in her ravioli, and she was SO upset. She thought she made a good choice and didn't realize how much the calories and fat can add up in cheesey dishes. She was so bummed out that day.

I found myself starting to give her advice about eating. At first I sort of felt like a hypocrite, because who am I give out nutrition advice when I can't even maintain my weight loss? But then I started thinking about it, and I really do know a LOT LOT about nutrition. I read everything I can get my hands on, and honestly it really has paid off.

It feels good to know that I'm educated on the subject. I know about carbs and fat and protein and sodium and how many calories I should eat per day and what kind of workouts I should do and I know how I feel when I eat certain foods and how I feel when I don't. I know about keeping my plate colorful and having a veggie at every meal and I know that a glass of red wine is actually good for me.

I know all these things and more, and while I don't practice what I know every single day, it feels good to know that I'm throwing myself into this prepared. I have a lot of tools at my disposal, including all of your blogs, and I use those tools. I'm not confused about what I need to do. I just need to do it.

So I'm committed to a couple of things right now.

1. Helping my friend at work learn as much as she can about living a healthy lifestyle.
2. Being a walking example of that healthy lifestyle.

There is no reason why I shouldn't practice what I preach. I should put all this knowledge to good use and quit screwing myself over. Otherwise, what's the point of all that knowledge?

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

So yeah. Last we spoke I was off to watch the Globes. I watched and enjoyed and the next morning I woke up and was down a pound for the week. Great right? Well since then, not so great.

Well some things are great, but the food/exercise situation is definitely not great. AGAIN. Why do I keep doing this? I'm up three pounds this week. Suck.

Blah blah blah excuses blah blah blah. I haven't been reading your blogs because I'm ashamed to read about how well people are doing. Why don't I have the January mojo?

Without going too much into what I do for a living, I had to work the Sundance Film Festival this weekend. It was fabulous and glamorous and one of the best experiences of my career so far. Bonus, I got to see a TON of celebrities walking around the little town of Park City. This is new for me because what we did at Sundance was a new venture for my firm, and it was seriously a dream come true. As I've said before, I am a total celebrity news whore. I loved it. Every minute of it.

Seeing celebrities in person, I noticed a couple of things.

1. They are tiny. I mean teeny tiny in an unnatural sort of way. Not all of them of course, but many. Teri Hatch3r, I'm talking to you. So skinny. And not in a good way. I mean I know this is the ideal, the absolute epitome of beauty in our culture, but when your skin is hanging off of your face because there's no fat underneath, there's a problem. Seriously.

2. They are plastic. Again, not all of them, but you can see it when you get up close. Eye lifts and chin implants and boob jobs, oh my. Sick. Again: seriously.

So yeah, I know, big revelations right? I should write US Weekly and let them know. I'm sure they'd be thrilled.

As much as I don't want to be that skinny though, dammit I need to be skinnier. So I'm going to try again tomorrow.

Globes

Hi! How's everybody? Sorry I haven't been around all week, I actually posted on Saturday but blogger ate my post and I got pissed and gave up. But here I am. The weekend was good, freezing cold here and pretty much impossible to even take the dogger around the block, but good nonetheless. I went swimming yesterday, which is something I haven't done in quite some time. I liked it. It was good.

Tonight I'm getting nestled in to watch all the waifs scream with joy after winning a golden gl0be. I gotta tell you, I was a film major in college and I'm a celebrity news whore for sure, so I really geek out during awards season. I'm just in awe of all of those collar bones and sunken in eyeballs.

Tomorrow is weigh in and I'm not too sure how I'm doing to be honest. I think I may see a small loss, but I could see a gain too. I've definitely been eating lot of sodium lately and I know that could be cause for water retention, so we'll see. I'll let you know tomorrow!

Tuesday

Down 3 lbs today for the first weigh in of 2007. I'm still pissed at myself for how much I let myself gain over December, but at least I'm going back in the right direction. To be honest, I'm an every day weigher, but I'm only going to track here on Tuesdays. I feel good about it. I am also feeling better and better about the gym.

Tonight I did 30 minutes of intervals on the treadmill and then decided to go to the 30 minute Bosu Abs and Balance class. Wow. Was I in for a rude awakening. I have worked out with bosu ball multiple times in the past, but 30 minutes straight made me realize just how little balance I have. I am going to be sore tomorrow for sure.

I'm definitely glad I went though - I burned a massive amount of calories and that always feels nice. Now if I could just make this a daily thing. For some reason I'm having a hard time getting back in the "going every day" mode. I'll get there eventually.

Weigh In Eve

Hi dudes! I'm in a strangely good mood right now, probably because I'm finally enjoying my couch after a really shite day at work. Work = blows right now. Meh.

Okay anyway, back to the whole weight loss thing. Things are okay, although I haven't jumped back on the wagon with the flying colors that I wanted to. This weekend was hard. Specifically, it was hard to not fall back into the whole mowing on food thing that I was doing for pretty much all of December.

I did spend an hour at the gym yesterday killing it on the dreadmill and then I got a massage (Christmas gift) which was completely awesome. So that felt like a good fitness day. Of course then I decided to have popcorn for dinner. And a low fat ice cream sandwich. No vegetables in sight. So, you know, you win some you lose some.

Oh and you'll be happy to know that I looked around that gym, found no one was staring at me like I suspected, and then picked my wedgie right there on the treadmill because it had to be done. So I'm starting to get my confidence back at the gym if you know what I mean. Sorry if that was TMI.

Anyway, I'm weighing in tomorrow and I'm sure I'll be down a bit due to loss of bloat, etc, but I doubt it will be a very good loss because I haven't been perfect. I have been a million times better than I was though, so at least that's something. I still haven't really decided what I'm going to do about posting my weight here on the sidebar. I dunno. We'll see. What I will do every Tuesday is let you know if I had a gain or a loss or a maintain or what. So come along, it's going to be fun! :)

Gym Time

Made it through day 2. I guess it wasn't that bad. I didn't love it though; I'll say that. I'm definitely experiencing sugar withdrawal. Which means headaches and just overall feeling crappy. I almost didn't go to the gym this afternoon, but I forced myself and I'm glad I went.

Wow, it was crowded. I went yesterday morning and it wasn't that crowded, so I guess I thought maybe the wave of new joiners didn't happen for some reason. Turns out lots of people were off for a federal holiday for Ford's funeral, so maybe that's why.

Tonight though, I was more self-conscious at the gym than I have been in the year since I joined. I know at least by sight most of the trainers, gym employees and regulars. And I assume most of the regulars know me by sight as well. But for some reason I was so aware of who was looking at me. Looking at the fat girl doing bicep curls. Wondering how long she'll last. Smirking at how out of shape she is.

I lost over 20 lbs in 2006 and gained a ton of fitness, yet now I'm paranoid about what people think when they see me at the gym? I'm pretty sure most of those people don't giving a flying fark what I'm doing - they're focused on their own routines. But for some reason, I think they're all judging me?

I'll get back into my routine and pretty soon I won't even notice the other people at the gym. For right now, going back when I've been off track for a few weeks, it just feels weird. I wonder if I'll ever get rid of this self-doubt that I have? I hope so.

Starting Again

Today was the day, as I'm sure it was for many of you out there. I'm not going to lie. It was hard.

I know how to do this. I know exactly what to do. But unfortunately that doesn't make it any easier. Especially when I've been inhaling sugar for four weeks.

This morning I dragged my ass out of bed, did a 5K on the treadmill and some stretching. At least I can still run. Well, what I call running at least. My time was 37:54. I hope to get that down to 31 minutes before summer. We'll see.

Breakfast was an apple and a protein bar. Lunch was a turkey sandwich on wheat and a spinach salad. Snack was yogurt and an orange. And dinner was chicken, roasted peppers and a half of a sweet potato. Lots of colors, lots of nutrients and lots of prep time. Everything I ate tasted good. It tasted virtuous. Yet I still had the sugar cravings. I still wanted a t00tsie roll after lunch. Or twenty. I resisted though and hopefully today will be the hardest day. Getting going is always the hardest right?

I'm not going to talk about what the scale said this morning because I refuse to believe that I've done this to myself. I'll update my weight on the sidebar once I'm a little more comfortable with my progress. And I'll probably do some woo hoo carrots posting for a while just to help keep myself accountable.

I was feeling guilty about doing this new year's resolution thing or whatever it is, but you know what, I can do this. And even if a million other people are saying the same thing, that doesn't make it any different for me. It's going to be hard and it's going to take work but I feel good about this year. This year is going to be my year!

Oh yeah did I mention how proud I am of everyone that kicked arse throughout the holidays? You guys rock. And for you guys who had a rough time like I did - let's get back to it. We can do this. It takes some love and some dedication and we're going to need support, but that's why we have fatblogland. Good luck guys!

Happy New Year's Eve!

Happy New Year's Eve! I hope you all have very fun plans tonight. We're going to a party at a friend's house, should be a nice last hurrah for the year.

I've been thinking about goals and what not this morning. I've spent about an a hour and a half so far just writing and planning and thinking about what I really need and want from 2007. I've decided to keep all of that stuff private for right now, not because I don't want to you guys to see it all, but because I just need to keep it close to my heart. I need it to be just for me in order to really make it work.

One thing I will say here though, and it's something I've written about before, is that I really need to not center my life so much around what I weigh, what I've eaten on any given day, and whether or not I've been to the gym. Those are all important things of course and will be important in my life moving forward, but right now I think I'm letting it control my moods a little too much.

Don't get me wrong, I am still blogging and I still plan to kick 2007 in the ass as far as fitness is concerned, but I have to find a way to calm down all of this internal dialogue that is constantly in my head. I don't know how I'm going to do that yet, but it's something I'm really going to work on for 2007.

Anyway, I hope you all had a fantastic 2006 and are looking forward to an even more fantastic 2007. I know I did, and I am! See you in the new year!

Changes

Hi all. So I took Jodi's suggestion and made a few changes to my blog. It's different, but I like it. I also updated links - so if I put you on and you'd like to be removed or I missed someone, please let me know.

Looks like it's blizzard number 2 here in Denver, so we're getting all tucked in for the weekend. Okay it's probably not going to be a blizzard, but we're expecting at least a foot by morning and it's going to keep going after that. Wow.

I'll leave you all with a few pics from the festivities from the first blizzard last week. Please excuse my hat hair and lack of makeup. It was a blizzard - I was in my pajamas all day!

27

So Christmas. It was good. It was fantastic. I love my family so much. And my husband. So so much.

Unfortunately, I have not been on the wagon and I hate to say it, but it's just another year of me falling on my face during the holiday season. I do not handle it well. I love Christmas, but the stress this time of year brings, coupled with darkness, and this year the blizzard and the incident (see last post), just does me in. I have a million excuses, but the bottom line is I've fucked it up in the weight loss department. Again. Meh.

The first official married Christmas with the boy was amazing. It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtful and caring he can be. He really just wants me to be happy, which I love. And I know its hard for him to see me wallowing in self-pity and despair like I have been the past couple of weeks. So tomorrow is my birthday, and the boy is off buying himself a new video game console, so I'm thinking this is probably a good time for me to do some thinking about what exactly I'm looking for in my 27th year.

I think part of the reason I'm in a funk right now is because I am all out of big events to look forward to. 2006 was an incredible year for me, and I'll probably do a recap post in a couple of days, but to sum it up, I got engaged, I got bought my first home, I got married and I made a ton of progress on myself both mentally and physically. The fact that all those things have already happened though, means I'm sort of left without anything to anticipate. Of course I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I don't have that one defining event that I"m working toward the way I sort of did with my wedding. I mean don't get me wrong, my whole life is not about being a wife, but the wedding was just something I could set my sights on. And then I had Christmas, and my birthday. But now those things will be over too and the thought of having to get back to work and just live my boring life kind of makes me sad. It's really silly too, because I have an awesome life. I have a great husband that loves me and a cool little dogger and a fairly decent job that I enjoy for the most part.

Something just seems missing though, and I think that something is me finally coming to peace with my mental issues around food and exercise and my body. So in my 27th year, that's what I really want to do. And I don't want to hinge that on losing weight. Because I know that even if I do lose every single ounce I want to lose and hit my goal weight and look fabulous and am running marathons every damn day, I'm not going to be happy unless I make peace with my body image issues.

Unfortunately days like last week don't help. And days like today, where I went to Nordy's to try on some hot little jeans that I could barely get up over my big ass don't help either. So I think it's finding a happy medium. I think it's being mindful of the food I put in my mouth. It's realizing that I do want to lose some weight and I will have to make a few sacrifices (alcohol and dessert just to name a few). It's also realizing that if I slip up, or have bad days once in a while, that's going to be okay. Just as long as I don't let it get out of control the way I have this past couple of weeks. And as long as I don't let my relationship with food effect every single other aspect of my life. I need NOT to be thinking about what my next meal will be every minute, and whether it will be a healthy or an unhealthy choice, and how what I eat will effect the rest of my day.

I know it takes a lot of practice and a lot of dedication and hard work, but I want this year to be the year it really becomes a habit. The year eating right just comes naturally and I don't have to worry about it so much. I have about 30 lbs to go before I hit my goal weight. Honestly, that isn't that much. I want this year to be the year I get there. I want to spend my 28th birthday eve thinking about what ELSE I'm going to do instead of what I should have done. Like I said, I've achieved a lot this year, but I'm not there yet.

I guess my blog title still applies. I'm still becoming my future me. In fact, I probably always will be.

Right now I need to think about what it's going to take to get me through the rest of December. Tomorrow is my birthday. I plan to go to the gym in the morning to start the morning off right. I have a lunch out with the girls, and then happy hour with a friend who's in town, then dinner reservations with the boy and my sister and her boyfriend, but the restaurant is a surprise. I will make good choices at both restaurants, but I will be indulging a bit I'm sure and having some alcohol to boot.

After my birthday and the New Year's celebrations have come and gone, I'll start a new program, along with millions of other folks. This will be the same program I've been on, but it will just be a kick start for me to get into the new year. It will include lots of vegetables and working out and other things too. I'll write about it more once it commences. In the meantime, I'm going to try to enjoy my b-day tomorrow and get out of this stupid funk. Hope you all had an excellent holiday.

Jeni

My Blizzard Day

So as I mentioned, things have not been going well. And then today, I pretty much had the worst possible day in the world. Let me give you the background:

Work has been sucky. I've been working long hours and it has really been cutting into my sleep, workout, and grocery shopping time. That, coupled with all of the holiday nonsense, leads to a cranky, weight gaining Jeni. I've been bloated and feeling like shit but I can't seem to get it in check. Every day I think about it, and every day I try, but then something or another happens and I end up stuffing my face with shit. And then I end up feeling like shit.

Every day I make excuses and then every day I beat myself up and it's becoming a vicious cycle. I'm unhappy and I feel guilty and I'm not in a good place as far as my body is concerned. Mentally, I'm just fucked up when it comes to every decision I make. And I just don't want to worry about it anymore. But I have to, because I'm not at my goal weight, and if I'm not mindful, I will gain all of this weight back and then some.

So yeah, all that, and I'm feeling shitty. That's the basic background info. So last night I was at work late, and we had a big presentation in Boulder this morning, and my boss was unhappy and it wasn't really my fault but I was the only one there and she just needed someone to take it out on so I got the brunt of it. All I wanted to do was go home and crash.

Instead I had to go to a mediocre french restaurant with some friends for a birthday celebration. I wanted to eat well, and I tried, but I succumbed to some wine as soon as I got there because of my shitty day. And I just wanted some wine. I had bread, soup, and risotto (the vegetarian plate). Tons of carbs. But it was cheap and I didn't want to spend 25 bucks on some fish that wasn't really going to be good anyway.

Got home and went to bed feeling bloated and yucky, knowing I had to wake up in 6 hours to brave the coming onslaught of snow to drive to Boulder for a client presentation. The drive to Boulder wasn't that bad, the snow wasn't really coming down to much yet and we made it there rather quickly (for the record, it's regularly about an hour or so from my office in rush hour traffic).

Had the client presentation, it went well, I thought I sounded smart. I was tired, but I had one big presentation down and one to go. By this time it was around 11 or so and the snow had really started coming down. My colleagues and I were standing in the lobby chatting with the client, who's fairly new and we've just met, but getting ready to go scrape the car. I'm going to use fake names, but here's how the conversation went. Keep in mind there were about seven people standing here - five people on my team and two clients.

Joe: "I'm going to go scrape the car"
Jeni: "Sounds good, we'll be here" (in joking manner)
New client man: "Hey, that sounded kind of sexist" (trying to joke, team laughing nervously)
"Maybe we should let the man stay inside and make the pregnant lady go scrape the car." (Turns to Jeni) "You're pregnant, right?"
Jeni: (Stammering) Ugh, no, I guess my scarf just looks big under my coat
Team immediately disperses and says goodbye, goes to the car. Jeni bites her lip trying not to start crying.
Sarah quietly says to Jeni: "You don't look pregnant."
Jeni dies a little inside.

Car ride home from Boulder in what's been deemed the holiday blizzard of 2006 takes 3 hours. Five people squashed in a little car trying not to complain and just make it down freaking US 36 alive. Of course everyone nervously avoids what just happened. Jeni is depressed.

Meanwhile, we haven't eaten anything all day. Everyone talking about how hungry then are but Jeni is afraid to talk about food because she's so fucking fat she obviously looks pregnant.

Once we got back to the office, I got in my car and drove directly home (took an hour), at which point I proceeded to down some tortilla chips and salsa, a half a pint of Ben & J3rry's and some beer. And snap at loving husband even though he's just trying to make me feel better.

And that's why I had the worst day ever.

I love severe weather. I love blizzards. It's usually fun, right? But while other people's offices are closing tomorrow, I have to work from home and deal with a bunch of client crap and talk to people who have just witnessed one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Anyway, I want to write about what I'm going to do. I want to write about my plans for 2007 and my goals and what I'm going to do and how I'm going to fix my fat pregnant belly. But right now I just want to cry. For fuck's sake I can't even pick which tense I want to write in, let alone write down some coherent goals.

Why do people have to be such assholes? I mean, I get that I'm sort of chubby still, and I don't try to act like I'm skinny. I don't wear inappropriate clothing and I don't draw attention to the area. I know my belly is a problem area, but I don't think it's disproportionate with the rest of my fat. Whatever. I'm not going to even think about it anymore. I'm just going to go to bed. I hate people.*

*Of course not you guys, but everyone else.

Alive...

So things aren't great right now. I'm holding steady around 174ish but my workouts are nill, I'm completely unmotivated and stressed and having a hard time dealing with the holiday season. I'll try to post more this weekend, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive. Barely.

Dinosaurs

Saturday afternoon and I'm wasting it by sitting here watching Jurassic Park 3. Probably one of the worst movies of all time. I could be watching a variety of Oscar-worthy films but instead I'm watching this. And I'm completely enthralled. I just can't stop. In fact I can barely write this post because my eyes are glued to the TV.

It makes me wonder, if I was trapped on an island being chased by dinosaurs that were probably smarter than I was, would I be able to survive? I'd have to do a lot of running, and climbing up trees and finding caves to hide in. I'd have to swim across rivers and there would be no hot shower waiting for me when I was through.

I'm probably not in good enough shape yet to survive being chased by dinosaurs. Well the raptors at least. I bet I could outrun a brontosaurus though. At least that's something.