Woot!

Down 2 lbs today! Yippee! I looked over my journal for the past week, and to be honest, I really think its getting the veggies in in the morning that's doing it for me. I'm definitely sticking to WW points (old habits die hard) but I'm doing it differently this time.

For instance, last year one points, I'd hoard and hoard so that I could have 3 glasses of wine. This year, I'm trying to limit alcohol to one day a week. Last year, probably at least 6 or 7 points a day went to junk, candy, fake desserts, or some other crap. This year, I'm limiting sugar and most of my points go to real whole foods.

I like it better this way. I like how I feel and how I know I'm doing this right. Yes, I'm still allowing myself treats and yes that includes a big vat of chips and queso earlier this week, but that's the only treat. Or maybe one of only two treats. But still. You get my point.

Now I only have two weeks-ish until my Feb 14 goal of 185. That means I have to lose 2.5 lbs in two weeks. This should be do-able, but I'm going back to D.C. to visit some friends the weekend before Valentine's Day, and I'm scared that might throw me off track. So I'm going to move up my goal date to Thursday, February 9. If I don't make it, that's okay. If I do, that's great. It's all about keeping it moving while staying realistic. :)

Pizza on a Pedestal

I can't remember if I've ever mentioned this here or not, but pizza is my favorite food. Thick, buttery pan crust with gooey cheese and lots of tomato sauce and veggies. Yes, I actually like veggies on my pizza, but alas, that does not make pizza healthy. And for the record, let me just say that I am NOT one of those people who can just have a salad and one slice. Maybe someday soon, but I'm not ready for that quite yet. I do say BRAVO to those of you that can do that though! :)

So, last night we had company, and the boy wanted to order pizza. So, in typical whiney Jeni fashion, I proceed to throw a mini temper tantrum. It went something like this:

Me: I want pizza, but I can't haaaaave pizza. Hmph.
Boy: Well you could make your frozen South Beach Diet pizza (in loving supportive tone)
Me: No! I want real pizza, yummy gooey pizza like you get to have. It's not fair!
Boy: Well you could see if your sister wants to go to Whole Foods and get a healthy dinner there?
Me: No, I want pizza. Waaaaahhhhhh! This sucks!

And on. And on. And on.

Make no mistake about it people - I can turn into a two year old at will when I want something I can't have. Luckily the boy has figured out how to handle these situations fairly well, and soothed me into a bit of a better mood. My sister and I did go to Whole Food's, came home and ate a salad and luckily, weren't even present for the ordering of the pizza.

When the pizza actually came, it was BBQ chicken with bacon (ick) and I didn't even want any of it. (Although I did ask for one bite of crust, which I didn't get). Now if I had been present for the ordering of the pizza, I may have tried to sway the decision a little, so I'm glad I wasn't there.

So why do I put the pizza on a pedestal? It's not even that good most of the time. (Okay some of the time). I guess it's because pizza is comforting to me, its always been there for me, and sometimes I used to use pizza as a substitute for other things. Like relationships and self-love. But I don't need that anymore. Yes I'm sure I will always love that unhealthy pizza. But it's not really what I need right now. So I can live without it.

Obsession

So I lost a half a pound this week. It isn't great, but at least I'm still seeing downward movement and that is the way we want to go, right? The sucky thing is, I have work lunches three days this week! My office is above a restaurant, so everyone I work with uses it as an excuse to hold working lunches and they SUCK! I'm so sick of that restaurant I could puke. I can only eat a salad and a bowl of tomato soup so many days in a row, you know? There just aren't that many other healthy options. Feh.

So I've joined the Fat Fighters fitness challenge, which you can read about here. You should join! I'm going the Intermediate route, which I think should be fine. It's nice to have a goal to work toward that other people are working on as well. I guess that's the beauty of blogging. I have this great community of people who I can share my journey with and who are willing to share their journey with me. I just love reading about other people's successes. In fact I'm a little obsessed with it. I spend WAY too much time reading blogs right now. And other fitness type materials, which are ubiquitous in today's society. Lucky for me!

It's weird though, the minute I become less obsessed is the minute I fall of track. I know the boy sometimes gets annoyed (he must, right?) because I'm constantly spouting off about nutrition and working out and being picky about where we eat and whining about my blubber. My honestly, I have to live it this way. This journey, this project, has GOT to be top of mind every single day. It has to be my number 1 priority. Because if it's not, then it will fall by the wayside, and I'll start gaining. So right now, I think it's okay to be obsessed.

Fat Fighters

I've joined the Fat Fighters web ring! So if you stop by, click on the button over to the right and check out some cool blogs. Oh how I love the technology. Thanks to Renee for hooking me up.

Gotta get ready to watch the Bronco's win the AFC championship. Isn't it funny how Americans are obsessed with sitting on their couches watching other people accomplish huge athletic feats? (Myself included of course). Wait until the Olympics get here; I'll be glued to my TV. But you know what, I think this year I'm going to try to watch a few of the events at the gym, while I'm working out. I'll never be a professional athlete, but this is the year for me to find out just exactly what my body can do.

Friday!

So I'm back and I'm feeling better. Unfortunately I had to deal with two more work lunches this week, but I did the best I could do. Today's lunch was tomato soup and a salad. Went to workout this afternoon, even though its Friday, and I just had a nice turkey sub for dinner. Nothing fancy, but its healthy and its much better than a typical Friday night dinner.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm going to catch up on my sleep and work out and watch the Bronco game and just enjoy my time off. It's only two days but dammit I love the weekend.

But here's the problem. I want to go out with my friends. But I don't feel like I can do that when I'm dieting. (I know, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. But still.) For instance, I chose to stay home tonight rather than go get pizza with friends. I know it was the best decision for me, the best way to avoid cheesey pizza and too much wine, but it's hard for me to think of a life like this all of the time. I'm okay with being selfish in order to become the person I want to be, but I'm scared of the things I'm going to have to give up.

I think I know I need to make these changes and they'll all be for the better, but then I think about it, and I don't want to become THAT girl. That girl who's no fun because she never wants to go get pizza and beers and she never wants to do anything fun. I guess I know logically that my friends will like me whether I eat pizza or not. It's just a random conflict that I always have. Every day. And I have to live with it. For now I'm okay with it, but will I be tomorrow? I don't know. But I do know if I take it one day at a time I can do this.

Slip Up

So today was the first day I've struggled since I recommitted. It's been hard. It sucks - Monday I was on top of the world, I lost 2 lbs this past week - then I had a great workout with the trainer last night. Everything was going well. Of course today I sort of got off track.

First I had lunch with my boss, who of course ordered chips and queso. I sort of felt obliged to eat them, but I sort of wanted them too. I didn't have too many, but I did eat some. Then tonight at girl's night there was wine and a brownie for dessert. Now I know none of this is terrible, but it still feels icky. I don't think people who eat brownies lose weight. And that's what I want to do.

So tomorrow it's back full swing - no sugar at all. Unfortunately I have to be at a client site all day tomorrow, and I'll probably have to eat whatever they serve for lunch. My plan is this - breakfast at home, then a small lunch of whatever is healthy, Luna bar for a snack, and straight to the gym after I get back to Denver from the client site. Dinner will be light, probably a couple of eggs or a high protein smoothie. I'm not going to let a tiny slip up ruin this for me. I will reach my goals.

Weigh-In Day

Down 2 to 190 today! That's 5 lbs in two weeks. Now I don't expect to see these results every week, but I'm still very happy with what I saw on the scale today. Don't you wish it was always this easy to stay on track and motivated? It feels so good to see the numbers go down; it just motivates me to keep going. I got a great workout in tonight and had a nice dinner, so all cylinders are running smoothly. Will someone remind me of this day in 3 months when I'm down and out?

Not much else to say because I'm off to read your blogs and watch The Golden Globes. All those beautiful, tiny women. Maybe more on that later, but for now I'm relaxing!

Sunday Blues

I hate Sunday. I hate that I have to go back to work tomorrow. It's not that I hate my job, because I don't, I just hate having to wake up early and be tired and know that I have to make it through five full days of working before I get my weekend again. Sorry, I'm a whiner. Moving on.

Despite my hatred of Sundays, today has been good. I had a nice veggie sandwich for lunch and an early dinner of butternut squash soup and spinach salad along with a nice hunk of wheat bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Yum! Tomorrow's my weigh-in, and I'm feeling much better about this Sunday night meal than last week's, which consisted of a deli turkey sandwich and potato chips of all things.

I'm hopeful for another decent loss tomorrow, but not positive it will happen. I did my best this week, but I did have the cooking class with the apple tart and a few other mishaps this week. The good news is, I worked out hard and am making progress in that arena. Now I'm off to enjoy what precious little is left of my weekend.

Saturday

Saturday and the Broncos are in the playoffs! Woohoo! But watching the big game tonight means beer and chips and oreos and all-around crap. But I have a plan. Today was free guest day today at the gym, so I brought my sister and we each did a hardcore workout. She hasn't been to the gym in over three months, but I am so proud of her for doing almost an hour of cardio. I did a treadmill warm-up and then my trainer workout from Thursday (remember the suicides?). I feel great and today it was actually a little easier than on Thursday. Progress!

So after the workout I came home and had my post-workout meal, a tortilla with honey and peanutbutter to get the protein and carbs back to my muscles and now I'm hanging out watching The Biggest Loser engaged couples, which I recorded from last week. After a little relaxing and a shower, my sister and I are off to Whole Foods to buy supplies for a healthy dinner so we can watch the game and still feel good about what we're consuming. I'm thinking salad, maybe fish, and some veggies. I can't wait.

By the way, the good news is; I'm still on track and feeling motivated, and we're two weeks into January.

Middle School

Or sometimes it is referred to as Junior High. For those of you in the UK, Australia, and elsewhere, I have no idea. Maybe primary school? I'm sorry I don't know. I should.

The point is, I went back to middle school tonight. Grade seven, 13 years old and on the school basketball team, where I was of course the chubbiest girl on the team. I tried my best, I really did. But I always had a hard time with practice. I was never very coordinated and I just wasn't in the best of shape. I remember doing suicides and going home and just sitting in my room staring at the ceiling wondering if I would ever be good at anything. My god that is such a hard age. I'm glad its over.

Anyway, tonight, the trainer made me do suicides. First, we did sprints up and down the basketball court. Then to the suicides. For those of you who don't know what they are, let me just tell you they are named appropriately. There are a number of lines on a basketball court, the foul lines, other random blue lines, the middle line, etc... In order to run a suicide, you start at the edge of the court, run to the first line, touch the ground, run back to the starting point, touch the ground, run to the next furthest line, touch the ground, and back and forth and back and forth all the way down the court. It is pure hell. I have zero lung capacity and I was dying tonight. And that was only the first 20 minutes.

All I could think about was how hard it was and how it should be easier and I should be in better shape and damn it! It makes me so mad. But I know I just have to keep working at it and I'll get better and I won't get those feelings of insecurity anymore.

So the workout was hard, but I feel good for having done it. The trainer wants me to eat some protein, fat and carbs within 30 minutes after any resistance training, so I rushed home and made a smoothie with frozen fruit, plain nonfat yogurt, nonfat milk, and a scoop of protein powder. It was good, and I feel good. Now to tackle the weekend.

Cooking for Six

I'm here, down 3 lbs, and I'm doing well this week too. Monday night was cooking class, and that was exceptionally difficult, but I made it through without consuming too many calories. I did take part in the apple tart, but it was small and I don't think it threw me off. It was the first time I'd ingested any direct sugar in a while, and I did get a headache and went straight to bed when we went home. Funny how sugar can do that to you. I had sugar cravings both yesterday and today, but I've managed to avoid them.

Tonight I'm hosting girl's night at my house, which terrifies me because I'm such a horrid cook. I'm making a spinach salad with Craisins (dried cranberries), pecans, and a yummy dressing made with oil, lemon juice, and a little Tobasco. I know it sounds weird, but my mom says it's delicious and I believe her. To the salad I'm adding fancy grilled cheese on cibatta with pesto, mozzarella, and spinach. I know this isn't the healthiest meal, but the cheese and lowfat and I'm using healthy fats elsewhere, so I feel okay about it. I'm not serving dessert, which I think the girl's may be disappointed about, but it's what I need to do for me and they can handle one girl's night without dessert.

Okay, better go get cooking. Wish me luck; I'm telling you I need it, even for salad and grilled cheese.

3 lb loss!

Hey guys! I have zero time right now, but I just wanted to check in and let you all know I lost 3 lbs this week! Yay! Thanks to everyone who comments here; you guys are so supportive and it really helps to know people out there in the world are in the same boat.

I'll try to write a real post tonight, but in the meantime, have a great day!

Feh

So tomorrow's the big weigh in for week number 1. And what did I do tonight? Eat an effing bag of potato chips. Just a small one that you get at the deli. But still. What is my problem? Do I want to ruin my good progress? Do I want to be bloated for my weigh in? I have no idea. All I know is that I kicked ass this week, even all day yesterday, and now I go and try to ruin it with a stupid bag of potato chips. I've stayed within calories all week, and I've eaten a ton of vegetables, and I've burned a ton of calories, but I'm still paranoid that one bag of chips can ruin an entire good week of eating.

I've always been sort of all or nothing, so it scares me when I veer off path a little. I know I'm not going to, but I'm still scared. Hopefully the weigh in will be good tomorrow and I'll be happy, but geez I'm still scared. This whole process is just messing with my mind.

Also, we have cooking class tomorrow, which includes making a molten chocolate cake. I've been doing great on the no sugar thing, but I think I'm going to make a small exception for this. Anyway, I'm kind of crazy right now - I'll report back tomorrow on the weigh in. Until then!

Okay so...

I did eat a few fried things last night. About ten french fries to be exact. I know it isn't exactly death or anything, but it's still a bummer. And I drank four beers. I'm not really counting points right now, but I sort of secretly am in my head because it's just something I've been doing for so long. So four light beers =8 points, and ten french fries and about six chips with guac probably equals about 7 points. (They were small french fries and small chips). There goes 15 points right there. It's amazing how these things add up like that. Oh well, it's a lot better than it could have been, and I came home and drank a lot of water and I'm okay with it all.

As you can see, I'm up fairly early for me on a Saturday, which is not something I'm especially happy about. The dogger sleeps with us, and he has some sort of OCD licking problem right now, and it is driving me crazy. He'll wake up, (today about 7:50 or so) and just start licking the sheets, or his paws, or the comforter, or me, obsessively. (He also does this at random times during the day, licking the blanket on the couch or the carpet. What is the deal? He definitely gets enough water and food, by the way.)

So the constant motion of licking next to me wakes me up and of course this morning I couldn't go back to sleep. Oh well, went to bed around 11:30 so I guess it's a good 8 hours. I just like to get 9 or 10 on the weekends. I'm still in college mode like that.

I'm now sitting on the couch in wrapped up in a blanket debating on how to structure my meals today. Like I said yesterday, I have a friend coming over for brunch. She should be here around 11, and then we have to drive to the restaurant, order etc, so I'm thinking I probably won't be eating until 12. So I guess since it's only 9:00 right now I should go ahead and eat something small. Unfortunately I ate my last pre-made salad last night, so I don't think my salad/protein drink is going to work today. Maybe I'll just have some fruit or something to keep me satisfied until later.

I better go see what my options are. Have a great Saturday!

Friday Night

So this is Friday night. The first Friday night of my new fresh start. The day has gone well so far, but this is the part I dread. We're going out with friends to drink beers and eat at the Cherry Cricket, which, as you can see by their menu, is not a healthy option. So even though I had an organic cheese enchilada with corn and black beans for lunch, and I don't like to eat two frozen meals in one day, I decided to eat an Amy's frozen vegetable burrito before we go. It's probably a lot of sodium, but it will keep me from eating fried macaroni and cheese in an hour or so. Seriously, they have fried macaroni and cheese. And I don't mind telling you it is delicious.

Anyway, I'll probably have a glass of wine or two, but I've had my dinner and I won't be eating anything. It was a very early dinner, so I'll probably be hungry later, but I'll come home and have a bowl of cereal or something. I am determined not to eat a bunch of fried crap and ruin the good progress I've made over the past couple of days. I mean I've eaten salad for breakfast for five days in a row. Who does that? Seriously? Can you guys tell I'm serious tonight? :)

I'm going to the gym tomorrow and if its nice out I may even ride my bike there. I've got a brunch with a friend that's in town and then a dinner with another friend tomorrow, so that'll probably be my day to treat myself. I'm not going to go crazy, not even close, and I'm not going to have any sugar, but I may have a few more calories than I have during the week. I need to make sure this can fit in with my life if I'm going to succeed. Have a good weekend all, I'll be back tomorrow or Sunday!

Veggie Central Around Here

Hi all! Okay I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually really enjoying having the salad for breakfast. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm not enjoying it when I'm eating it. I'm pretty much forcing it down in the mornings, but it is getting easier. But I love the way it makes me feel during the day. I'm full all morning, and I feel great about the fact that I've already gotten at least three servings of veggies and it isn't even lunchtime yet! Salad for breakfast isn't so bad. It's nutritious!

Today I'm practically on veggie overload. I had a veggie sandwich with hummus for lunch, and then tomato soup for dinner. Yay! Of course you can see that I haven't had enough protein today. I'm going to work on that, but first I want to get the veggie thing down right.

Working out is going well, all in all I'm in kick-ass mode right now and feeling great. Of course I'm watching The Biggest Loser right now and I just want to cry. I see myself in these people, especially the young girls. It is so effing hard to be fat. It just sucks. I'm full of hope and optimism right now, but I know these feelings won't last forever. In a week, or a couple of weeks or a month or maybe even this weekend, I'll be feeling down my body, about not fitting into my jeans, and I'll think about just giving in. I'll think about how far I have to go, and how useless it all is, and how I'm just destined to be overweight and I should just accept my body for what it is.

But that stuff just isn't true. I do have a long way to go it's true, but I've already come a long way. And while body acceptance is important, I have serious goals for fitness, and I plan on meeting those goals. There might be days when I am full of fear and doubt and self-loathing, but I can remind myself of my goals, of the way I feel when I eat clean and exercise.

Okay I know I'm babbling and swooning but I just want to get that stuff out there.

On a side note, since I re-started on Monday, I think I'm going to change my weigh-in days to Mondays as well. Hopefully that will help keep me accountable over the weekends. Off to read your posts!

2005 Review/2006 Plan

So today starts my re-invigorated fitness plan. My goal was to end 2005 under 190. This morning I weighed in for my official 2006 start weight: 195. Ouch. I should have expected it really. I am a statistic. I gained the typical 3-5 lbs over the holidays. It sucks and it hurts me to write that, especially considering the workouts I maintained. I've accepted it, I'm updating my stats on the right, and I'm ready to move on.

I had a great time at the New Year's Eve party I attended, and I spent yesterday with the boy eating a yummy breakfast and then popcorn at the movies. We even attempted cookies with his new hand mixer. They didn't turn out so well the first time, but I think its because we didn't chill the dough. He's going to try again today, but I won't be taking part in the taste test.

Looking back, 2005 was not a great year for me. My lowest weight of '05 was 183, and I ended the year with a 12 pound gain. I started this blog in July and I have gained since then, so clearly it's not holding me accountable as it should be. I'm working on changing that now though.

With all that said, and even though the scale is showing a gain, I do feel my fitness levels have improved. I took up cycling in 2005 and rode in an organized ride for 35 miles. I went to the moutains and rode 50 miles up there. I'm working on improving my running and I can now do a 5k in approximately 40 minutes. I know that isn't fast, but at least I'm doing it. I started with the trainer a few weeks ago and I can already tell my core strength and balance are improving. I am stronger and and have more endurance than I had in 2004.

In 2006, I want to continue to improve my fitness and still shoot toward my goal of completing a sprint distance triathlon, but more than that I want to focus on my weight, on this extra body fat I am carrying around. That will be my number 1 priority.

My goal weight still is, and always has been, 140 pounds. To lose that amount of weight is daunting and scary though, so for right now I'm going to stick to small goals. 185 by Valentine's Day. And 175 by April 1. Once I've lost those 20 lbs or so, we'll go from there. In order to kick start my weight loss, I am following the trainer's plan for me, which I outlined in my previous post. This includes a protein shake and salad for breakfast, working out with weights at least 3 times a week and adding cardio at least twice a week, and eliminating all sugar and sugar substitutes.

Now I know that over the next three months there will be times when I slip up and have some sugar. There may be a birthday. There may be a fancy dinner. There may be some chocolate in the kitchen at work. And I won't kill myself if I slip. But I am going to log my food every day in my planner, and I'll post here to keep myself accountable. I'll weigh in here every Friday. I'm excited about my plans and I'm feeling good about the year to come. No resolutions, just more lifestyle changes. Wish me luck!