Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Okay. So I said I meant it. But yesterday I completely screwed up. It's the lure of free food I guess. Right now money is really tight because I still don't have a job. But eating out is one of my favorite pastimes (no doubt much of the reason why I'm so hefty). Suffice it to say yesterday I ate out, for free, for both lunch and dinner. And no I did not make good decisions.

But I'm back today. I wonder how many times I've said that? Will I always say it, for the rest of my life? Or will one day actually be the day that I say I'm back and then I stay back? Maybe. But then again, I don't really think of these little slip-ups as "falling off the wagon," per se. Instead I think of them as little obstacles that I need to overcome. And hopefully those obstacles will make me that much better. And make me work that much harder.

Today for instance, I rode my bike 15 miles. I burned 1374 calories. And it felt great. After a workout like that I should be starving. I'm not today, most likely because I overate yesterday. But I'm not going to eat just because I have the points. Today I've been eating until I feel satisfied. And that's all I really need to eat every day. But when there's a plate of free pizza sitting there, somehow I can't just eat until satisfied. I have to eat until stuffed.

Maybe this all has to do with my Type-A, stingy personality. Or maybe it has to do with my childhood. I'm reading Tales From the Scale right now. And I feel some sort of connection with these women. I read it at night, then I go to sleep full of optimism and ideas about my future me. But somehow I can't get those thoughts to stay with me. When I'm out to dinner and I encounter a plate of nachos I can't remember those inspiring women. Instead I think about why shouldn't I be able to eat the same thing as my skinny friend, and everyone else at the table. I have a serious problem making good decisions in social situations.

You'd think it would be in those situations that I would feel most self-conscious about my food choices. I've heard countless stories about overweight women choosing celery at a BBQ but binging on oreos at home. And that's the struggle they face. And I know it's a hard one.

But I think my struggle is different. I go to a BBQ and eat chips the entire time. I try to minimize the amount of food people actually see me eat, don't get me wrong, but I still eat way too much. And people do see me eat it. And I know it's why I haven't lost more weight. I'm not lacking in exercise. I love the way exercise makes me feel. But I can't stop eating. And people notice. Most of the people in my life would never say anything. My grandpa would. But most of the other people wouldn't.

I don't know if this post will even make any sense when I read it over again. I don't know if I'm coming to any conclusions about how to change my behavior. I guess I'm just trying to identify what the behavior is right now. Maybe I'm not ready to change it. I don't know if I ever will be.

I know the person I want to be. I want to be fit and healthy. I want to ride my bike. I want to look good in my bike shorts. I want to make good decisions naturally when I go out to eat. But I don't want to be the nitpicky fat girl. I don't want people to think my choices are strange or that I'm fighting a losing battle. And I absolutely DO NOT want to just stay home so that I don't have to deal with these types of situations. I do that a lot already. But I'm not going to do it all the time. It's just who I am.

For now I guess I'm just going to think about the healthy foods I bought at the grocery store today and try to figure out something good for dinner. And I'm going to get up in the morning and work out. And I'm going out to lunch with my sister. So I'm going to do my best to make a good choice there. Because Friday is my weigh-in day, and I fear I'm going in the wrong direction. I'm going to focus on Renee's challenge when I'm out in social situations. And hopefully I'm going to make this work.

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